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Bucky stopped just outside the gates of the Cypress Hill Cemetery. It had been a very long time since the last time he’d entered those gates. He just stared at the sign for a moment, trying to work up the courage to actually go inside. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly and then went in. It took him a little while to find the spot he was looking for. He walked over and looked down at the simple headstones.
Winifred Marie Barnes born April 15th 1895 died January 10th 1963
George Augustus Barnes born September 18th 1892 died July 12th 1970
While he had intended to visit his parents’ graves, it was the one to the right of his mother’s that was the main reason he’d come.
Margaret Virginia Barnes born March 25th 1922 died August 15th 1923.
“Hey, sis.” Bucky said softly as he sat down next to the small headstone. There was a little angel carved on it. That had been his idea. “It’s been quite a while.” He sighed heavily. “At least you got mom and dad up there taking care of you, huh? I bet they were happy to see you again.” He reached over to lightly trace his fingers over her name. “I’d like to think that one of these days I’ll get to see you again but I’ve done a lot of really bad stuff so I’m not sure we’re going to end up in the same place.” He cleared his throat and blinked back some tears. “You keep out of trouble, okay? I promise it won’t be anywhere near as long before I see you again.”
Bucky got to his feet and just looked at the headstone. He’d have to remember to bring some flowers before he left town. He then moved over to the other two graves.
“Mom….dad…..” Bucky cleared his throat. “I’m sorry you never got to know the truth. That you died thinking you outlived me.” He closed his eyes and a single tear rolled down his cheek. “I wish I could have told you I was alive.” Bucky wiped at his cheeks. “I hope that you and Maggie are having a great time up there in Heaven. I love you.” He took a deep, shaky breath and let it out slowly, trying to keep his emotions under control. It had been a while since he was allowed to feel anything and it was still tough sometimes. Once he was pretty sure he was at least sort of in control, he left the cemetery and headed back to his hotel. He needed to call Dr Raynor.
“You wanted to talk about the last time I held a baby.” Bucky said after Dr Raynor answered the phone.
“Yes, I did.” Dr Raynor replied. She decided to ignore the lack of greeting since he was actually opening up to her.
“It was 1923.” Bucky settled into one of the chairs in his hotel room.
“Okay.” Dr Raynor said. She knew better than to push too much when it came to him.
“I’m about to tell you something that not even Steve knew, doc. We grew up together but he and I didn’t meet until I was 9.” Bucky shifted a little.
“I didn’t know that.” Dr Raynor replied.
“Not many people do.” Bucky cleared his throat. “I haven’t talked about this in nearly a hundred years. You’re the first person that I’ve told since then.”
“It must be something very important.” Dr Raynor took out her notepad. She definitely wanted to make notes since this was real progress.
“I had a little sister.” Bucky said after a long pause. “She was born two weeks after my fifth birthday.”
“Do you remember how that made you feel?” Dr Raynor asked.
“I was excited. And determined to be the best big brother ever.” Bucky chuckled softly. “When they brought her home from the hospital they set me up on the sofa with all these pillows around me and let me hold her in the way that five year olds typically hold babies.”
“That sounds very cute.” Dr Raynor said.
“She was….everything to me. At that moment my whole world revolved around her. I would do anything for her.” Bucky cleared his throat. “I used to get in trouble sometimes because my mom would go to check on her and find me curled up on the floor by her crib.”
“You wanted to keep her safe.” Dr Raynor commented.
“It was my job as her big brother. To protect her.” Bucky sighed.
“What happened to her?” Dr Raynor asked. Bucky was quiet for a really long time and Dr Raynor was almost sure he’d hung up when he finally spoke.
“She died.” He said softly.
“I’m so sorry.” Dr Raynor said.
“She got sick. My parents never told me what it was, I just know that I wasn’t allowed to be around her anymore. Every time I got anywhere near her room, they would shoo me away. And then one day I got told that she was in Heaven now.” Bucky cleared his throat.
“You don’t know what it was?” Dr Raynor made a note to see if she could find out.
“I was six when she died. I think that my parents didn’t think I would understand what happened.” Bucky sighed.
“You didn’t ask when you were older?” Dr Raynor questioned.
“No. My mom wouldn’t have answered me.” Bucky said. “About a month after the funeral, all of her stuff was taken out of the house. There were no traces of Maggie anywhere. My parents never so much as mentioned her name and I wasn’t allowed to go visit her grave. It was like she never existed.”
“Maggie?” Dr Raynor asked.
“Margaret Virginia.” Bucky answered. “We called her Maggie.”
“With a name like Margaret it must have made your association with Agent Carter a bit difficult.” Dr Raynor pointed out.
“It helped that she went by Peggy.” Bucky shrugged even though Dr Raynor couldn’t see him. “And by that time it’d been twenty years since I even thought about Maggie so it didn’t really matter that much.”
“If you haven’t talked about your sister in a hundred years, why now?” Dr Raynor kept her tone even, making sure not to sound accusatory. Bucky was once again quiet for a long time.
“They’re buried here in Brooklyn. I went to visit my parents and she was buried next to them. Made me realize how much I missed her.” Bucky answered.
“It’s good to allow yourself to grieve. Even after all this time.” Dr Raynor said. “It sounds like you weren’t really given the opportunity to deal with it when it happened.”
“My parents had their own way of grieving.” Bucky replied. “Moving on and focusing on the one kid they did have seemed to help them.”
“There’s a difference between moving on and ignoring grief.” Dr Raynor commented.
“Yes, well, they’re dead so it doesn’t really matter, does it?” Bucky snapped. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Sorry.”
“It’s alright. You’re dealing with a lot of overwhelming emotions right now. And, honestly, the anger is a good sign. It shows you’re processing your grief.” Dr Raynor said. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Eventually.” Bucky sighed. “I’m still getting used to actually being able to feel anything.”
“That’s definitely going to take some time.” Dr Raynor said. “We can talk about this more later if you’d like.”
“We’ll see.” Bucky said. He wasn’t sure he’d honestly be able to.
“I have an appointment coming in so I have to go. You’re making a lot of really good progress, James. Don’t forget that.” Dr Raynor commented.
“Thanks, doc.” Bucky said with a nod. He hung up the phone and just stared at it for a minute. Maybe having a therapist wasn’t such a bad thing after all.