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The mission wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be easy. Not easy in the sense of the mission itself being easy—having all the Avengers called in certainly didn’t mean that—but in the sense that it was supposed to give Steve something to focus on, so he could stop thinking so hard for a while. So he could shut off the emotional part of his brain and just focus on getting the job done. The job being taking down yet another HYDRA facility that the team had found.
And it was easy for a while.
Steve could focus on the task and even though his hatred of HYDRA ran deeper than anyone on the team probably even realised and he’d happily tear them limb from limb, he could separate that when he needed to and just focus. He’s still focused.
He slams another goon against the wall, knocking him out cold, before spinning to throw his shield at another that tried to creep up on him. Idiot. Natasha is on comms giving him info about the numbers in her area, while Tony’s flying about outside, making some quip that he doesn’t bother listening to.
He takes another two down on his way out the room, heading for the next, methodically picking them off one by one, efficiently and perhaps more brutally than he would usually. But this is HYDRA. They don’t deserve anything else. He can’t wait until the day they can finally say they are over. Done. Finished for good. And one day he will say that. He’d made that promise to himself, for Bucky, that one day HYDRA would be nothing but dust. That they would pay for everything they’d done to his best friend in the whole world. The best friend who’d come back into his life so briefly and then vanished into thin air like the ghost everyone said he’d become.
Steve slams his fist into the face of the next HYDRA member he finds, trying not to think about things like that and just focus on the mission. But god does he miss him. It’s almost worse than believing Bucky to be dead. That at least Steve couldn’t do anything about. It shredded his heart, left him empty and hollow, but it was tangible. It was something he knew.
But knowing Bucky is alive and out there somewhere and yet he can’t seem to find him…that is torment. It’s knives in his guts, twisting. It’s the not knowing that makes every day full of longing and hope and disappointment and despair. To know he could see Bucky again, except for all Tony’s gadgets and all Nat’s contacts and Sam helping him chase down every lead, they still can’t find him. And it’s been over two years.
Steve swallows and tightens the strap of his shield. Focus. He needs to keep his mind on the mission. He’s good at that.
He tears through the next few rooms. They seem to be getting emptier as he goes, but he keeps going. Won’t stop until they’ve got everyone.
“Uh, Cap?” Clint’s voice comes over his comms. “You need to get down here.”
Steve frowns, putting his hand to his ear. “Where?”
“Basement level.”
“I’m almost done with my sweep,” Steve tells him.
“Yeah, uh, need you now, Cap.”
Clint sounds serious. And he’s only ever serious when he’s actually serious about something, so Steve knows it’s important.
“Nat, can you cover six when you’re done on four?” he sighs, already heading for the stairs.
“You got it, boss,” Nat replies.
He rolls his eyes. She knows he hates when she calls him that. “On my way to basement level,” he confirms for Clint.
“I’m straight through the double doors at the end when you get here. Bruce is on his way.”
Steve frowns as he makes his way down. “Bruce is supposed to stay on the quinjet?”
“Yeah, needed him too,” Clint replies shortly.
Steve wants to ask what the hell this is about, but Clint would have told him already if he was going to, so he just continues down the flights of stairs until he finally makes it to basement level.
“On six, Cap,” Natasha confirms on comms as he exits the stairwell.
“Copy, thanks.” He takes a quick glance down the empty corridor and heads for the double doors at the end, already starting to speak as he sees Clint there and strides over. “Clint, what is this a—”
He cuts off as he sees Clint standing next to what appears to be a crib. It’s entirely out of place in the medical lab they appear to be in. Except it’s made of metal and is the least cosy looking crib Steve can imagine.
“Uh, yeah. We gotta problem,” Clint states, looking into the crib.
Steve approaches until he can finally see inside and then he doesn’t quite believe what he’s seeing.
There’s a baby in the crib. A tiny little thing, eyes closed, apparently sleeping, which seems crazy considering all that’s going on in the building around them, but then he and Clint seem to be the only people on this level, so maybe it’s possible.
“That’s a baby,” he states, staring at it.
“Yep.”
“Why is there a baby here?” Steve asks stupidly, staring at it. His brain can’t compute the sight. A baby doesn’t belong in a HYDRA facility. It doesn’t make any sense.
“That’s what I’m waiting for Bruce to find out,” Clint states, gesturing at paperwork. “Some of it’s in English, some Russian, but it’s over my head. And you’re the boss-man, so I figured better to call you.”
Steve blanches at that. “I don’t know anything about babies.”
“You think I do?” Clint retorts with a scoff.
“Why didn’t you ask for Nat?”
Clint gives him an unimpressed look. “Oh sure, I was hoping to get my ass kicked today,” he states flatly, as Steve frowns at him. “That’s a little sexist, don’t you think?”
Steve instantly feels bad. Sometimes he forgets. He doesn’t mean to, but he can’t help the time he grew up in. “You’re right. Sorry,” he apologises, looking back at the baby. It seems fine, just lying there. Hopefully Bruce will know what to do.
Helpfully, in that moment the door opens and in walks Bruce. “What do you need me for? I’m supposed to just be backup and stay on the jet,” he says as he walks over.
“Well we needed backup,” Clint replies, as Bruce reaches them.
“What is…” He looks stunned as he sees the baby.
“Yeah. Like I said. Backup,” Clint shrugs. “There’s a bunch of files there, with a whole load of medical jargon for you to look at.”
Bruce frowns at him. “You do know I’m not a paediatrician, right?”
“It says Doctor Banner on your parking space, that’s good enough for me,” Clint retorts.
Bruce takes another look at the sleeping baby and sighs, before heading for the paperwork. “I’ll see what I can find out.”
Steve stares at the baby again, unable to make heads or tails of this. He decides to focus on other things while Bruce reads. They’re still in the middle of a mission, after all.
“Nat, you good?” he asks on comms.
“Almost done on six.”
“Tony?”
“Clean up on aisle five.”
Steve frowns at Tony’s voice. “Tony…” he sighs.
“You’re no fun, Cap,” he replies. “Perimeter’s clear, Thor’s cleaning up, backup is on its way to take in the leftovers.”
“Good. Sam?”
“Second is clear. Looks like we’re done,” Sam replies.
“Okay. We, uh, we might need help down here, so head down when you can.”
“You got a situation?” Sam asks.
“Uh, we’ve, um, kind of got a baby?”
“Did I hear that right?” Tony asks.
Steve can’t really explain it, seeing as he can’t understand it. “Just get down here when everything’s secure.”
He stands waiting with Clint while Bruce reads, getting impatient. And that’s when the baby wakes up, their little eyes opening and staring up at him.
“Uh, it’s awake,” he states, as Clint peers over.
“So do something.”
Steve throws a look at Clint. “Like what? You do something.”
“Well, it seems fine, not cryi—”
The baby suddenly opens its mouth and wails. Loudly.
Steve glares at Clint. “That is your fault.”
“Just pick her up and rock her or something, I’m trying to concentrate,” Bruce states, still looking at the files.
Steve looks over at him. “Her?”
“Yeah, she’s a girl.”
A girl who apparently has a very good set of lungs.
“Well…” Steve looks at Clint, waiting.
Clint raises his hands. “Do I look like someone you should be giving a baby to?”
Steve would argue back, except really, he’s kind of got a point. “Fine,” he sighs, not wanting to admit how bad he is with babies. People used to make him pose with them and they’d always cry. He’s pretty sure all babies hate him. But he’s the best option right now.
He reaches into the crib tentatively, getting his hands round the baby and carefully lifting her out and then holds her sort of near his chest, trying to find a comfortable way to grasp her, quickly remembering something about supporting her head. Bucky always used to say that when he held his baby sisters.
He looks at the little moss green blanketed lump and tries swaying her gently. God, he hopes she doesn’t throw up on him. That happened once and he never quite got over it, it was so unpleasant. Thankfully, she seems to like the swaying and she quickly stops crying and stares up at him, looking very curious.
“Um, hi,” Steve tries. “That’s a good girl. No more crying, okay?” he tries to reason with her.
She blinks at him. Her eyes are a lovely blue colour, a shade he doesn’t usually see on people, except when he thinks about it, Bucky’s are pretty similar. He tries to smile at her, figuring if he seems calm then maybe she will be too.
“Uh, Steve?” Bruce’s voice distracts him, and he turns to look over at him.
Bruce looks hugely worried, big frown lines creasing between his eyes. “Um, I…okay…don’t drop the baby,” he warns gently, holding his hand up.
Steve frowns. He’s not exactly comfortable holding her, but he’s a supersoldier with perfect reflexes, he doesn’t just go around dropping babies.
Bruce seems to take a moment. “Okay, I don’t really know how to say this, but uh, she’s, um, that baby there…she’s your friend’s. She’s Bucky’s. James Barnes.”
Steve stares at him. He hears the words, but they don’t make sense. He lets out an amused breath. “What do you mean she’s Bucky’s?” he scoffs.
“I mean biologically speaking, Bucky is her father,” Bruce explains gently. “It looks like HYDRA took his DNA and genetically engineered an embryo.” He looks at the file in his hand. “They implanted it in a woman, the mother, and she gave birth three weeks ago.”
Steve feels like he can hear buzzing in his head. “Bruce, be serious, this isn’t the time to be joking.”
Bruce stares back at him, completely serious. “Steve,” he replies gently, “I’m not joking. That baby has Bucky’s DNA. In fact, she’s around seventy-five percent his, which is something that’s basically impossible in scientific terms, but that’s what it says.”
“Are you serious?” Nat’s voice asks.
Steve turns to see her and Sam there. He didn’t even hear them come in, but they’re both staring at the baby in horror. And Nat never looks horrified.
“Deadly serious,” Bruce says, as Steve turns to look at him again. “It-it says that they killed the mother after she gave birth,” he says softly. “There’s no detail on her at all.”
“Probably a HYDRA member or someone who really needed money, thinking they’d be okay, right?” Clint offers.
“Maybe,” Bruce shrugs and sighs.
“But why?” Sam pipes up. “Why would they—”
“To make a new supersoldier,” Bruce fills in. “They were trying to see if the serum carries over from the father to the child.”
“Did it?” Nat asks.
“I didn’t get that far,” Bruce replies. “I…give me a minute?” He goes back to looking through the files.
Steve stands there, trying to let Bruce’s words make sense.
“Steve?” Sam starts, but Steve shakes his head.
“I-I need a minute,” he manages to get out. He moves away a little, turning his back on his teammates, before looking down at the baby girl in his arms.
She’s still watching him. Her eyes aren’t just familiar. He can see it now. They aren’t similar in colour to Bucky’s. They are an exact match. She has little tufts of dark brown hair, the same colour Bucky has. God, even her nose sort of looks like his, albeit a tinier version.
He hears Tony enter the room and then Nat shushing him and then hushed voices, but he can’t tear his eyes away from the baby. Bucky’s baby. Bucky’s child. He’s holding a part of Bucky in his arms and he can’t get his head around it and he knows what Bruce is saying is awful and he can’t believe this place is where they found her, but she’s Bucky’s. It’s awful and unthinkable, but at the same time the baby in his arms is something precious. A part of Bucky.
Bucky hasn’t come back for him, but if he knew he had a daughter? He’d have to come back then. He’d just have to.
“I’m going to find your dad for you,” he whispers. “I swear it. I promise you, I’ll find him.”
He takes a breath and forces himself to turn back to the group, focusing on Bruce instead of their shocked faces, even though seeing Tony shocked is a rare occurrence. “What’s her name?”
Bruce startles a little at the question. “She, um, doesn’t appear to have one according to this. Just a subject number.”
Steve frowns. She should have a name. But that’s okay. When Bucky comes back, he can choose her name for her. That’s how it should be after all.
“Wait,” he suddenly realises something, in shock. “A number? Did they do this before? Are there others?”
Bruce purses his lips. “Looks like they tried a few times. She’s the only one who was viable.”
“Viable?” Steve spits out unthinkingly.
Bruce raises a hand, trying to settle him. “I just mean…the other embryos weren’t successful. They didn’t even get to implantation. She’s the only one where it worked.” He’s looking through the file as he speaks and then lets out a relieved sigh. “And she’s normal.”
Steve frowns a little in confusion.
“No serum,” Bruce clarifies. “All bloodwork came back normal in their tests. Looks like they were keeping her around to see if there was some sort of delayed development, but nothing’s happened so far. She’s just a regular baby girl.” He closes the file. “I think we should get her checked out by Tony’s medical team when we get back. Make sure she’s okay.”
“The other team are finishing up everything. I think we should head home now,” Tony says, staring at the baby, remarkably serious for once.
The others nod, Bruce and Clint gathering up all the files, as Sam approaches Steve.
“Steve, you doing okay?” he asks carefully.
Steve isn’t really sure if he’ll ever be okay again. It’s a lot to process.
“You want me to take her?” Sam offers when Steve doesn’t reply.
Steve feels his arms tighten just a little round the baby. “No,” he shakes his head firmly. “I’ve got her. Just…watch my six?”
Sam nods. “I got you.”
Nat takes the lead without being asked, Tony falling in a couple of feet to Steve’s right, before Clint and Bruce appear over to his left, a little bit behind, basically circling him and the baby.
Steve keeps the baby protected. He uses his arm to cover her when they get outside, just in case.
Thor seems strangely thrilled when they meet him outside, loudly declaring that he loves babies, his booming voice making the baby cry again, when he offers to take her from Steve.
Steve just glares at him and tries to hush her and refuses to hand her over or put her down once they’re on the jet, flying home. He just keeps her close to his chest, staring at those eyes.
He’s got her and he’s going to keep her safe. He’s not going to let anything happen to her. He won’t let anyone hurt her ever again.
****
“Steve, you have to let go of her now.”
Steve glares at Natasha. He’s sitting on a hospital style bed at the Avengers compound, baby in his arms as she has been since he first picked her up, and the two-person medical team are waiting in the corner and Steve…well, he just has no intention of letting her go.
“They can’t check her out if you’re holding her,” Nat tries to explain.
Steve just narrows his eyes at the medical staff. He doesn’t know them. Sure, they’re Tony’s people and Tony trusts them, but that doesn’t mean Steve should.
“Oh he’s gone full mama bear, hasn’t he,” Tony comments from across the room.
It’s just those two and the medical staff. Bruce is going over the files and Clint, Thor and Sam are somewhere…Steve didn’t really pay attention when they arrived.
“Come on, Steve, they have to check her over. What if she’s hungry?” Nat tries.
Steve frowns at that. The baby is tiny. It’s probably likely that she’s hungry. But she’s not crying. Remarkably, she fell asleep on the way home and is still asleep now. Her little hands sometimes stretch out in her sleep and Steve’s been watching, fascinated. She doesn’t seem quite so scary as she did at first. She’s actually pretty cute. Steve huffs internally at that silly thought a second later. Well of course she is. She’s Bucky’s. That’s a given.
“I don’t want them to hurt her,” he finally speaks up.
“They aren’t going to hurt her. They just want to make sure she’s healthy,” Nat replies, voice calm.
Steve looks over at her suspiciously. “No blood tests?” He hated blood tests when he was a kid and he had to have tons. He doesn’t want a little baby being poked with needles.
Nat looks like she doesn’t actually know that, but Tony looks over at his team.
“No blood tests,” he barks out at them. “You are to check the baby out, make sure she’s fine, but nothing with needles.” He turns back to Steve. “Okay, mama bear?”
Steve doesn’t even care about his teasing. He bites his lip, but manages to nod, because making sure the baby is healthy is important. “Okay.”
“Okay, just put her on the bed there,” Tony tells him as the medical team hovers.
It’s a real struggle for him to put her down. He really doesn’t want to. But eventually he manages to gently set her down on the bed in the middle where she can’t roll off, and watches her eyes flutter open.
Nat comes over and gently takes his arm to pull him out the way.
He allows it even as he stares at the baby, as the medical team advances.
“You doing okay?” Nat asks.
Steve has no idea, as he watches them listen to the baby’s heart. “I…I don’t know what I am, Nat,” he admits. “That baby…she’s Bucky’s…I can’t…” It’s all so much.
“It’s a lot to take in,” Nat agrees.
“We have to find him, Nat. More than ever, we have to find him and bring him home,” Steve states determinedly.
“We will,” she replies, placating him. “But right now we need to focus on the baby and figure out what we’re going to do.”
“What do you mean?” Steve asks, finally managing to tear his eyes away to look curiously at Nat.
“I mean she’s a baby. We need to figure out who’s going to look after her, where she’s going to live, what—”
“I am,” Steve interrupts, frowning at her.
Nat looks sympathetic. “Steve, I understand that you want to do this for Bucky, but do you know the first thing about babies?”
She’s got him there. “No,” he admits. “But I’ll learn. People have babies all the time, it can’t be that hard.” He’s sure that’s not true, but now is not the time to worry about that. It doesn’t matter how hard it is. She’s Bucky’s.
Nat looks doubtful at that. “But you go away on missions all the time. Babies need stability, they need—”
“Then I’ll quit.” The words are out of Steve’s mouth before he even thinks them through.
“Uh, did I just hear that right?” Tony butts in from where he’s been doing something with his computer.
Steve falters a little. “I…I don’t know. I just know that I need to take care of her.” When he takes a moment, he realises he wouldn’t be against quitting. He’s thought of quitting before. But he’s never had a reason to do it. Quit for what? To sit around in an apartment by himself? But this…taking care of Bucky’s daughter would give him a reason that would be worth it.
“Well, we can do that here for you,” Tony states. “I can have the best babysitters in the world here in one phone call. We can build a nursery in a day. Whatever she needs.”
Steve shakes his head. “No. I don’t…I don’t want strangers looking after her. If this were the other way round…Bucky would never do that. He would look after her for me.” If there’s anything Steve knows right now, he knows that to be true. He and Bucky are family. This is just what they’d do, no question.
Nat seems to share a look with Tony, but Steve’s too busy watching the baby again to care about what the look means. She looks unhappy now. Steve hopes the medical team will be done soon.
“Okay, how about this. We’ll just take a couple of weeks to think things through. You’re entitled to take some time off. She’ll come to your quarters with you and we can all help out. And we’ll just…go from there?” Nat suggests.
Steve knows she’s babying him, not letting him throw himself in at the deep end. “Fine,” he agrees, but only because it seems like the best solution for now.
Tony lifts his hands up. “No way do I do diapers.”
Nat rolls her eyes. “You can buy the diapers.”
Tony looks appeased. “That I can do!” He starts fiddling with the computer again.
“Um, what name should I put on the form?” a tentative voice asks, one of the medical staff looking over at Steve.
Steve doesn’t know how to answer that. “Bucky should decide,” he tells Nat forlornly, not sure what to do.
Nat gives him an understanding look. “I know he should, but we have to face that he’s not here to do that right now. And she needs a name.” She must see Steve’s hesitation still. “He can always change it later, if he wants?” she offers.
Steve supposes she’s right. They can’t just call her ‘the baby’. He huffs. “If she were a boy I would have just called her James, after her dad,” he says with a sad smile. God, he misses Bucky so much. He can’t stand that he’s not here for this.
“You could still call her James.”
Steve looks over at her, confused.
“It’s more a unisex name these days. Well, to an extent,” she admits. “It’s not common, but you could,” she shrugs.
It doesn’t sound right to Steve, but then at the same time it also sounds perfect.
“You could always give her a more common middle name?” Nat adds as a suggestion.
“Sarah,” Steve says without thinking. Bucky wouldn’t mind that. He loved Steve’s ma and she loved him back.
The medical staff member, who has apparently been listening the whole time, nods and starts writing. “So Sarah Rogers?” he confirms.
It’s very strange to hear someone say his mother’s name like that after all this time. Steve wishes so badly that she was here. She’d know exactly what to do. Steve tries to push those thoughts down as he shakes his head. “No. James for first name. Sarah for middle. Surname Barnes.”
The guy nods and jots it down on a form.
James Sarah Barnes. It sounds pretty nice to Steve.
****
Steve shouldn’t be surprised by what Tony can do in almost no time at all, but he still is. By the time James has been checked over and been given some formula, and he and Nat head out with her to his quarters, they find a crib in the process of being setup by Clint and Thor, and Sam opening a number of bags full of what appear to be baby things.
“How did he…?” Steve trails off, amazed.
Nat doesn’t seem surprised. “He’s Tony,” she shrugs, heading to help Clint and Thor who appear to be arguing over what goes where.
“Tony messaged us,” Sam fills him in. “Figured we’d help out seeing as you’re going to be looking after her.”
Steve is touched. He really has no idea what he’s doing, but this…this helps a lot.
“Do you maybe want me to take her for a bit so you can change?” Sam offers.
Steve looks down at himself. He’s still in his uniform. It’s pretty dirty now he thinks about it. Some of the stains might even be blood. And here he is cradling James against his chest.
He nods, even though he doesn’t want to let go of her again. “Yeah, I guess. I could grab a real quick shower?”
Sam nods, heading closer. “Don’t worry, my sister has kids. I’ll take good care of her.”
“James,” Steve tells him.
Sam looks confused, as he carefully takes the baby from Steve.
“That’s her name,” Steve explains. “Nat said it’s unisex.”
Sam looks thoughtful and nods. “Alright then. Hey there, James. You want to come sit on the couch?” he coos.
Steve can’t help smiling at Sam’s tone of voice. He’s clearly much better at this than Steve is. “I’ll be five minutes,” he promises, before hurrying to his bedroom and en-suite shower room.
He tries to shower quickly. He wants to get back out there, but the day’s events seem to catch up with him and he’s crying before he realises it. He lets it happen. Allows himself this moment to fall apart and then pulls himself back together as quickly as the tears came. Bucky’s daughter needs him.
He dries off quickly, pulling on a soft white t-shirt and cosy dark blue pants that Nat helped him buy that he likes to lounge around in. Much better clothes for holding a baby in—clean and soft and somehow comforting.
He’s back out in ten minutes, which is a little longer than he would have liked, but everything is just as he left it.
Sam glances over at him. “Good timing. Looks like it’s time for your first diaper lesson.”
Steve feels a little bit of panic run through him. He forgot about that. He forgot everything really. But the fact is babies need food and changing and they cry and throw up and don’t go to sleep and Steve offered to take that all on with no thought and there’s no way he’s not going to mess this up.
“You’ll be fine,” Nat comments from where she’s ordering the guys around as they finish the crib, apparently seeing his panic.
Steve doubts that. Still, he follows Sam, thankful at least one of them has experience with babies and knows what they’re doing.
Thankfully, his friends have never backed down from a challenge and the next few hours are sort of a whirlwind.
Steve thinks he learns more than he’s learnt in years. Nat looks up tons of information on the computer for him, reading out interesting things for him to remember, as well as ordering many baby books for him. Sam’s pretty good at diapers even as they both dry heave at the smell. Thor insists again that babies love him and he shows Steve a way to bounce James. And she does seem to like it, at least until she throws up on Thor’s shoulder. So Sam helps Steve get her changed into some of the new clothes that Tony’s made magically arrive, while Clint helpfully clears out some of his bookcase and uses the space to stack the new baby things into groups so Steve can easily find things.
Steve appreciates it so much. It’s still stressful and tiring and there’s so much to remember, and James is so delicate that he worries about his stupid big hands crushing her, but somehow they make it through to night-time.
His friends all offer to stay to help and Steve is so touched, but they’ve already done so much and Steve knows he needs to be able to do this alone, so eventually they all head back to their own living quarters, with promises that they’re just one call away, seeming to understand that Steve needs to do this.
And then it’s just Steve and James.
He settles down with her on the couch, resting her on her front against his chest. She’s dressed in a new white onesie, Steve wrapping a blanket over her while she falls peacefully to sleep.
Steve watches her little back rise and fall and makes sure the little white hat she has on is covering her ears properly so she doesn’t get cold. Her tiny hand scrunches up a bit of his t-shirt as she clings on, making Steve smile. He watches her for hours, unable to sleep himself.
He just stays there, picturing Bucky out there somewhere, and he prays for him to come home. But he promises the air that he’ll look after her until he does.