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She didn't know what it was that woke her up, maybe a bad dream or something she couldn't remember, didn't really matter either way. The point is Dessie was now awake, it was currently 5:28 am- 2 hours before she had to wake up for the morning-, and there was a sleeping man clinging to her in his sleep. Dessie figured she wasn't going to be sleeping anytime soon and slowly sat herself up in bed. Trying not to wake her adorable husband, he could be so grumpy when he woke up most days which Dessie found extremely adorable, what's not to love about seeing Ron in one of her old shirts and awful bed head while sleepily trying to brush his teeth? Despite how zombie-ish he looked in the morning he slept so peacefully, Dessie thought as she idly placed her hand on Ron's head running her hands through his soft and slightly damp hair.
Everything felt so different right now, it was so quiet, so comforting, it was silly but just sitting in the quiet dark playing with her sleeping husband’s hair could rival her motorcycle. Of course nothing could ever compare the rush she’d get racing down the road at top speeds with the wind dancing through her hair, but that same feeling of liberation she would feel then came to her now just in a more relaxing form. Right now her problems didn’t matter, it didn’t matter if she was barely holding it together most days, or felt she was just leeching off of Ron, or that stupid voice in her head telling her everyone hated her. None of that mattered right now. It was just her, the calm blackness, and a sleeping Ron to keep her company. The morning’s light was just starting to creep through their blinds, hitting the shelves of framed pictures of various moments of their lives. For whatever reason Dessie couldn't describe her attention was brought to a photo of her and Ron when they had just met in 1st grade. Dessie had just moved that year, and was sat next to Ron in school. She still remembers how red his cheeks got when she would ask him for ‘that red lookin marker’. Gosh he was (and still is) so adorable.
Looking closer at the photo she noticed how different the two looked compared to now. It was a picture her mom took of the two after they had spent the day together, Dessie had short hair(short hair!?) and had a football jersey and shorts on her arm was slung around Ron’s shoulder as he stood with his hands folded together, wearing extremely cute little overalls. Dessie was honestly kind of shocked, she had completely forgotten she used to identify as a boy! That was completely unfathomable! She could hardly even remember her deadname (and frankly she wasn’t particularly interested in remembering it either). The same could be applied to Ron as well, he changed so much! She could still see Ron trying to ‘act more like a boy’ as he tried to push her on the playground swings. Dessie smiled to herself as she recalled the memory.
Dessie sat on a immobile swing as a small Ron pushed his hands into her back. She was starting to feel bad for him, he was trying so hard with little to no progress.
“Ronnie are you sure you can push me?” She felt his small hands lift off her back.
“Of course I can Dessie! I'm super strong! Just like you!” He was a determined little kid and Dessie knew as much, if he wanted to push Dessie on the swing then by god he was going to, Dessie liked that about him.
“Well then keep trying Ronnie! You’ve got this!”
“Right!”
The small hands hit her back and she jolted forward a little bit, but there was still no discernible swing-age to be noted that day.
Dessie quietly giggled to herself at the memory, her eyes strolled over to the next photo of the two together. This one displayed a maybe 7-ish year old Dessie and Ron, most likely after one of Dessie’s soccer games based on the blue jersey with a big ‘09’ on the front and those weird black streaks on her face. She could already see herself starting to transition in just two photos by the way her hair length had changed from barley going past her nose to now touching her shoulders. She remembers how Ron had convinced her to grow it out, and how happy she was when she was finally able to put it in a ponytail for the first time.
Ron sat on her bed as Dessie searched for something on top of her dresser. With an ‘ah-ha!’ and a twirl she turned around, hairbrush in hand. She climbed on top of her twin bed and sat herself behind a confused Ron.
“Can I brush your hair?”
She could tell how flustered Ron had gotten even without seeing his face. He immediately moved his hands to his lap and started fidgeting just a little bit more. She couldn’t say why at the time but something about Ron’s long hair made her feel jealous, she also just really wanted to touch it, it looked so soft and delicate just like Ron.
“I- um” He nodded his head rather quickly and crossed his legs so they weren’t hanging off the edge of Dessie’s bed so much.
Dessie had never brushed anyone’s hair before, let alone hair as long as Ron’s, but she placed the brush on Ron’s hair anyway trying to imitate what she had seen her mom do with one of her sisters. Pulling the brush down she placed a hand on Ron’s head to steady it. Her assumption was right, his hair was incredibly soft, it was an expensive fuzzy blanket at the store that Dessie’s mom would never let her get soft. And she wasn’t going to let him get away with it.
“How’d you get your hair so soft? It's like I’m touching a puppy!” Maybe Dessie knew Ron too well or maybe he was just bad at hiding his emotions but she could tell Ron was blushing like a madman.
“I’m not too sure. I think it’s um, always been like this.”
“Well I’m super jealous! I wish I had your hair Ronnie.” She ruffled his hair a tiny bit, messing up all of her hard work.
“I think my hair would look nice on you, or at least my hair length.”
“Huh” Dessie had never thought about growing out her hair, imagining it something just felt right but she couldn’t put her finger on it.
“I think you’re right.”
“We should ask your mom if she’d let you grow your hair like mine.”
“Heck yeah! MOOOOM?”
Dessie laughed at how so obviously trans she was when she was a kid. She couldn't fathom the fact that it took her till sophomore year to realize what was extremely obvious. Something about that memory led her down to the time she and Ron were drawing on her side walk, god she missed being a kid oh how little things mattered back then.
“What do you think, Dessie?” At the mention of her name she turned around to Ron, only to spot a giant drawing of what looked like a superhero? Or maybe a super villain by the way their grin went from ear to ear very creepy like? Either way for something drawn by an 8 year old, and viewed by an 8 year old it looked next to godly.
“Ron that’s amazing! You’re an awesome artist!” Surprise surprise Ron turned tomato red, blushing was pretty much a habit for him at this point in their friendship.
“You think so?” Ron said, already starting to clean up the sidewalk chalk from where it layed on the ground.
“Of course! You think I could draw that? Look at what I’ve been doing for the past half hour!” Dessie gestured to her crudely drawn picture of what looked like maybe a house? Or Hello Kitty? A Hello Kitty shaped house?
“Hey you should draw us together!” Dessie and her big brain suggested.
“You’re right!” Ron got right to work pulling out all the colors he just put back in the container.
Suddenly Dessie wanted to play with sidewalk chalk with Ron again. Weird. The next photo down was of Dessie and Ron smiling in front of a small cake decorated with pink and purple icing flowers, it must have been from Ron’s 10th birthday party/sleepover. That was probably the best day of Dessie's life.
Today would be the day. Today was gonna be the day that Dessie told Ron her biggest secret of all time- Dessie had a crush on Ron. She planned everything out perfectly, after Ron had opened his presents she would had him a letter that stated the following:
“Dear Ron, I like you. But not in a frienbd way. I like-like you. I hope you like-like me too.<3 -Dessie”
She made sure to look her absolute best for Ron’s party, her hair was in a high bun- Ron once said he thought high buns were pretty on her- and she was wearing Ron’s favorite shirt of hers, a red shirt with a cute embroidered dog in the corner.
She opened the door without warning like she always would and quickly noticed that she was the first guest there. She heard thumping coming from her right and then suddenly Ron appeared from the steps, his face lit up as soon as he saw who was at the door.
“Dessie!”
“Happy birthday Ronnie!” Suddenly there was a small boy in her arms wrapping his arms around her in a tight yet somehow gentle hug, she hugged him back as tightly as she could.
Night eventually came and most of the other kids that had stayed were sleeping in Ron’s living room, leaving Dessie and Ron alone in his room. Truth be told in the midst of the cake and presents and games Dessie had completely forgotten about her love note. In a small fit of panic she reached into her back pocket and pulled it out, trying to hide it in her small hands.
“Ronnie?” Maybe just saying it out right would be better.
“Yeah Des?”
Well it’s now or never.
“Ihaveacrushonyou!” She knew she was blushing as bad as Ron normally does but she still managed to say it, albeit slurred together, but still she said it. She could only look down at her lap, too scared of what Ron was thinking. The anticipation was eating away at her as the pair sat in silence on the floor.
Then all of a sudden the sound of fabric rustling filled the air. Then even more all of a sudden she felt something on her forehead, something soft and slightly wet. Realization came as her eyes widened and she hid her blushing face between her knees.
“I um, I also have a crush on you Dessie!”
Looking up from her makeshift hiding spot she muttered “Really?”
“Uh huh!” Ron shook his head, he looked even redder than Dessie. Dessie could only giggle like an idiot as she reciprocated Ron’s forehead kiss.
She still remembers how happy she felt when Ron kissed her forehead. How fast her heart raced and the tingly feeling in her chest when Ron confessed his mutual feelings towards his now wife. Overwhelmed in nostalgia Dessie couldn’t help the smile creeping its way onto her face as she scanned over to the next photograph. Her smile grew even larger at the sight of them as sophomores, that was the year they both came out to each other wasn't it?
After hours and hours of boring school work and teachers that yelled too much it was finally, finally, her lunch period. Finally she got to see her Ronnie for the first time in what felt like forever. Oh how her heart ached with terrible agony as she sat in her various 1st-4th period classes, yearning for the one who could truly make her heart feel whole again. Okay. Maybe Ron’s whole ‘theater kid’ thing was wearing off on her, she probably shouldn't have seen every single performance of their schools ‘romeo and juliet’ just because Ron played a side character for a collective 10 minutes. Whatever it made Ron happy.
As Dessie sat down she could tell something was off with Ron. For starters he wasn’t eating, even if he wasn’t eating a full meal he always at least had something to snack on with him. Secondly, he looked kinda mopey, he was leaning his cheek on his right hand while picking at some crumb on their lunch table. Maybe mopey wasn’t right, he looked more like he was thinking hard about something. Well there’s no point in wondering what was up with her boyfriend.
“Hey Ronnie what’s up? You look like you’ve got something on your mind.” Dessie nudged her elbow against his arm as she sat down, Ron slightly leaned closer to Dessie, a gesture she did not let go unnoticed.
“Um there is something but…”
“But what?”
“I’d rather talk about it in private is all. I’m sorry” Ron slipped that ‘I’m sorry’ in rather quickly, something was definitely bothering him.
“It’s no big deal Ronnie, you don’t have to apologize.” Dessie lightly bumped him with her shoulder. “I can wait until after school, okay?”
“Alright…”
“You didn’t bring anything to eat today did you?” Ron quickly shook his head, avoiding eye contact all together. Dessie split her sandwich and handed one half to Ron. “Cmon, eat up cutie.”
Seeing Ron act all weird through their mutual classes together threw Dessie off so badly. She was drowning in anticipation for whatever her boyfriend was going to admit to her. He wouldn’t talk about it at all, even when she asked if the thing was ‘good or bad’ all he said was “i'm not sure” and then that really cute head tilt thing he does. But finally finally it was 2:30, school was over. Dessie met Ron halfway to her car and then they walked the rest of the way together, like always. The drive to Dessie’s house was something new entirely, instead of the usual ‘Dessie complains about her day while Ron adds in little comments here and there’ it was ‘Dessie tries to make casual conversation but Ron only says ‘mhm’ while nodding his head’. She can only imagine what was running through Ron’s head.
As if she couldn’t say finally enough today, she finally reached her house. As they made their way into her room she got more nervous, all this waiting and anticipation was starting to get to her. Ron sat on her bed as she closed the door, and soon after Dessie took a seat next to him lightly placing her hand over top of his.
“You finally wanna tell me what's been bothering you all day?” Dessie said as gently as possibly, idly gliding her thumb across Ron’s hand. Ron took her hand into both of his and took a deep breath.
“I’m not sure how you’ll react, and I’m extremely scared to tell you the truth but I’ve waited all day and I don’t want to keep you waiting as well.”
All this talk was starting to scare Dessie. “Y-you’re okay right? You’re not like dying or something?”
“No no! Nothing like that! Well I feel like I’m dying right now but that’s probably just nerves!” What a sweet talker. “I just wanted to tell you that… that… that I don’t want to be a... girl anymore… um I think I’d be much happier identifying as male, maybe non-binary? I’m not sure…”
Well she couldn't say she was surprised but she could say she was absolutely ecstatic.
“Ronnie, that’s great! I’m so happy for you!” Immediately pulling her boyfriend into a hug, squeezing the life out of him most likely. “I’ll do everything I can to support you as my boyfriend okay?”
She felt Ron hug back lightly, and also heard a quiet sniffle. She pushed Ron off of her to look him in the eyes, brushing away a loose strand of hair. She’ll never forget the look of pure joy Ron gave her as he cried tears of joy in her arms. It was so innocent, so perfect, so...Ron.
“I’m guessing those are happy tears?” Ron could only shake his head as he leaned back into their hug, resting his head on Dessie’s shoulder.
Ron whispered a “Thank you” into her shoulder that she felt more than she heard, and what else was she gonna do but hug back tighter? After what felt like hours of tightly hugging each other, “thank you”s, and even more “I love yous” that neither of them would give up for anything, Dessie finally got the confidence of her own to tell Ron her own gender related secret.
Oh god oh no Dessie was crying. She was crying and she was so happy and she was also crying but man she was so happy. She tried to stop so her husband didn’t have to wake up worried, but god it was so hard to stop all this crying. She wished she could hold Ron again like she did on that day, she wanted his arms around her neck, she wanted him to be basically sitting in her lap, and to run her hand through his hair, and to feel the small kisses he gently pressed to her neck, god she wanted to stay like that for eternities on end. God damnit why did he have to be sleeping right now? Can’t he tell she’s yearning?
How the hell has she managed? How was she able to uncontrollably love this man since they were 6 years old? How come no matter what phase or mental slump she was going through he always felt so perfect for her? Like a puzzle piece that just fits no matter the shape. How has she not woken up in a mess of tears every morning?
She stopped crying as soon as she heard the comforter move ever so gently. Ron was waking up. She didn’t move as he slowly sat himself up, rubbing his eye simultaneously. His hair was a bird’s nest and he had giant bags under his eyes and yet Dessie still couldn’t help but look at him with all the love in the world.
His speech was slurred as he talked, he almost sounded drunk, god he was so cute. “Dessie? What are you- A-are you okay dear? Why are you crying?” He instantly started wiping away salty tears before Dessie gently grabbed his wrist and pulled him into a hug.
“Dessie? Is everything alright? What’s going on?”
“Shut up, everything is perfect. I love you so so much Ronnie.”