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"Juyeon, do you know what love is?" His mom clasped his hands together warmly, softly smiling at an eight year old boy. The park is sunny and bright in the afternoon, the sand stuck between the soles of his shoes, and a front tooth missing.
And Juyeon, who knew of what love his mother meant, replied with all his heart."Love is when mommy sings daddy to sleep on thursdays!"
"And love," His mother whispered, pressing her forehead against his, holding him close to share all her thoughts filled with adoring words."is all the things mommy does for you. Because mommy loves you, okay?"
But love was strange to Juyeon; because he could tell there was a difference between his parent's care and the adoration they had for him. So sometimes he would stop and watch, trying to figure out the little gestures they shared with curiosity.
"But mommy kisses me too!" a nine year old Juyeon whined, trying to prove his point to his halmeoni, brushing his hair as she rocked the chair with a song humming."Isn't all love the same?"
"Yeon," His halmeoni replied with a sigh, finding how his grandson could be such a troublemaker."Your mommy and daddy love you, and they love each other too differently. Now hush, child."
Yet, Juyeon sulks. He still doesn't understand.
Maybe he'd come to understand what love his halmeoni meant in middle school days, when a girl with pretty blue eyes and hair golden like the sun sits next to him shyly in the cafeteria.
"I like you," She bites her lip, face blushing and holding out a matcha kitkat with both hands."Will you go out with me?"
And naive Juyeon thinks, maybe if he kisses her on the third date, then he'd finally see what his parent's love meant. Maybe he'd be like them one day.
So he leaned in, their hands intertwined on a gray pavement under dying skies, the wind gusts by with her red checkered skirt fluttering and a hand tucking a strand behind her hair, tiptoeing to match up to Juyeon.
It's something sparkling, exciting. A surge of energy for the first time, like trying a new sweet of some sort that Juyeon's foreign to.
But when Juyeon pulled away, he couldn't come to understand, because he's sure when his mommy kissed his daddy, their hearts were melting and the look in their eyes were warmer, like coffee and books and christmas lights.
When Yoo Sora of sixth grade pulled away, all Juyeon saw was nothing more than crackling fireworks. Too bright, too loud, too big. More than the comforting silence he expected to. Too scary, too new.
"Sora and I broke up," Juyeon sulked in his halmeoni's hold, a hand brushing up against the side of his ear."I don't think it was love."
"Child," his halmeoni smiled in amusement, brushing his locks in a slow manner."Love is anything we make it out to be."
So high school student Lee Juyeon ran after anything that seemed like love to him, because he thought love was the beating in his heart, the joy in his veins. Anything that made him imagine and daydream about, like different candies in his mouth at the same time.
He ran after sweet Sakura Miyawaki of the tennis club with locks as dark as his and skin pale as snow, lips red as blood and eyes sparkling like stars. And it was like Sora all over again, new and shy. Juyeon's heart leaps maybe.
Soon came after tough and rowdy Jeon Soyeon in ninth grade, tan and exploding like firecrackers with shared bowling afternoons in the heated summer of 2013 like laughter.
To Juyeon, it was finding someone to be joyful with, having so many similarities with, that Juyeon told her anything in his mind, and she did too. But soon he realized something was wrong when he couldn't bring himself to kiss Soyeon.
And then arrived his first boyfriend, Heo Hyunjoon in his final year, a cheeky grin and a unique flavor for anything. Like strawberries and cigarettes dancing in his tongue as they share a smoked kiss on the hood of Hyunjoon's Subaru under a starless night.
For the longest time, he thought he loved Hyunjoon. Hyunjoon was something new, a flavor Juyeon could never get tired of. Hyunjoon was a jawbreaker; he had so many flavors to him, yet tough to break.
Juyeon was smitten and fooled, young and naive still in heart and mind. He'd thought of a tomorrow, because maybe thinking of a future together with someone meant love to Juyeon.
But once again, Juyeon failed to see what his parent's love meant.
Because it all came to a halting crash when Juyeon's left with his heart split in two in the telephone booth on a rainy Saturday, nothing with a wrenching farewell message from Hyunjoon and that everything he planned was futile and useless.
Juyeon came to learn love was stupid.
"Love is stupid," Juyeon sniffled into his halmeoni's arms, eyes red and a pout on his lips. He's trembling in her lap, hands balled up in fists."I don't believe in love."
His halmeoni sighed, kissing his forehead. Naive and new Juyeon to everything, and maybe she could've held him back one more time."Oh child, you'll come to find love one day."
Juyeon didn't believe anything. Love was stupid. If his mommy truly loved daddy, then why did she leave them? If mommy truly loved daddy, then why did she go out the door without looking back?
Therefore love was not worth understanding.
Nineteen year old Juyeon went on the longest without dating anyone, believing that candies were for mere pleasure. He'd kiss men and women after a bland conversation in a bar, hoping for the same old surge of excitement in his veins. He'd whisper sweet nothings into their ear, just like his mother used to.
So he picked up dancing, something to keep his mind off the lack of responsibility and to reassure his halmeoni he's doing well. Twenty, twenty one, twenty two. His arms feel like sandbags, getting used to every flow and pop of movement. Juyeon thinks that he could shrug this off as love.
Time ticked and itched under Juyeon's skin, parties and bars and endless beds he'd end up in. He'd dance in someone's arms, and in another with no care.
Juyeon doesn't need love, after all.
"Hi, you must be Juyeon!" A boy with a blinding smile and red curls greets him at the door on moving day. There's a sea of boxes labelled, stretched into the hallway, and an old ebony couch sitting in the corner. "Ji Changmin, Liberal arts major."
Right?
Ji Changmin was a stranger; he was bright, full of energy. Juyeon's met a hundred of people like him, yet they were nothing alike. Too loud. Too rowdy. Too bright. Nothing Juyeon would find interesting in. Like a firecracker.
"Juyeon!" Juyeon turned around, seeing a huffing Changmin catch up to him in a split second."What cha up to?"
Juyeon looked back at his phone, replying to Chanhee about how'd he would be a bit late due to traffic. The buses were ten minutes away, after all."Dance practice."
"Cool, I'm headed in the same way too." Changmin's bouncing on his feet, like an overeager puppy. Juyeon's eyes roam to the top of the latter's head, a stray strand of hair moving ironically to his enthusiasm.``We could go together?"
No. I barely know you than the fact you eat takeout way too much. Juyeon wanted to say, so why didn't he say that? He had no problem telling people to fuck off when they made his skin itch.
"Sure." Juyeon may not have the heart to break that special glint in Changmin's eyes. But maybe it's not that bad, when Changmin lights up like the fourth of july.
And that one sure became the million sures he'd say to Changmin on the way to dance practice; two weeks later, on the way home. A day after, out of class.
Anywhere Juyeon went, Changmin was stuck right next to him like a dog. A puppy likely.
Maybe it's not that bad, Juyeon thought out of the blue, Changmin trying to balance a fry on his eyelashes right next to him in the booth. It's a Thursday evening at the Mcdonalds across the street.
"Fuck!" Changmin cursed, pushing back the chair and almost stumbling over. The fry drops to the floor sadly."I think I got salt in my eye."
"Because you're dumb," Juyeon snorted out of amusement, pulling Changmin closer."Open your eye, I'll blow it out."
The things I do for you, Juyeon sighed, blowing softly into Changmin's twitching eye, encasing his head into his hands. He makes sure to hold Changmin carefully, his fingers not pressing too hard. He halts when the latter seems to blink normally."Better?"
"Thanks, Yeonie!" Changmin grinned bright, dimples visible and head relaxing into Juyeon's careful hands. It's blinding for sure, but something in Juyeon's heart says that it's different. It's something special indeed, because Juyeon tilts to smile too.
"Fool." Yet it's not out of spite. Juyeon convinces himself it's not out of endearment either.
Endearment. He knew what the word meant. It's what Yeon meant to his halmeoni, and what Chanhee would giggle into Hyunjae's ear, idiot . Endearment meant care. Juyeon cared about Changmin? Yeah right , he snorted.
But that thought would never die, always resurfacing back again whenever Changmin's right next to him or across the room. Outside the door in the hallway, knocking or in the dance academy, tapping him gently when they pass by.
"Hi," Changmin had always looked at Juyeon with eagerness in the halls.
Juyeon nodded back, and five days later he found himself beaming back too with the same eagerness."Hi."
On the night of that day, Juyeon meets Hyunjoon again in a bar, Chanhee giving them both space to catch up.
And Juyeon's disgusted at how much Hyunjoon has grown, how they have drifted apart as people for so long. It makes him feel nauseous, so he downs another bottle of some brandy the bartender recommended him.
Most of all, Juyeon's disgusted at the look in Hyunjoon's eyes, holding someone's hand and laughing at his boyfriend's jokes. Because Juyeon knows that look. Everything comes flooding back to Juyeon.
Hyunjoon finally had the look his parents shared. The love Juyeon never understood nor learned.
"Can I get a shit ton of these?" Juyeon turned to the bartender, lifting up a shot glass with a bitter frown."Yeah, a shit ton. I think I need more to get through the night."
Juyeon stumbled into the doorway as an emotional drunkard, a tired and awoken Changmin meeting him at the door with the lights off. If sober Juyeon was in his system, then he would crawl up into a ball and die for the events that soon came after.
"I don't understand," Juyeon angrily sobbed, well not too unstably. More likely just upset and unsure of everything that Changmin saw right through."We're all the same anyways. There's nothing unique about anyone else."
"What makes you say that?" Changmin tilted his head, A Juyeon clutching onto him on the couch, snot probably getting on Changmin's patterned pajamas.
Juyeon pressed his head against Changmin's thigh, the fabric conditioner and cloth filled his head."What I do to not deserve love all this time?"
Maybe some people weren't just born to have love for so long. Juyeon wanted to drift off, float away. And he understands. He wasn't born to learn love. That's maybe why his mom left. Maybe why nothing lasted in his fingertips. So he should live with this sad and self destructive persona of his.
"Well, I think you're something special, Juyeonie."
Juyeon slowly looked up sniffling, something filling in his chest. It's mellow and reassuring."You do?"
So Changmin feebly smiled, and familiar hands of a familiar sensation run through his hair, fingers caressing his head. It's not out of pity, nor lies. Nor false sense of security. Just something that Changmin wanted to do.
"Of course. A person as wonderful as you deserves love indeed."
And it's enough to bring the tears welling back to Juyeon's eyes like an emotional trainwreck. Oh Changmin, what did the world do to deserve you?
And it runs in his mind. His thoughts are silent as Changmin falls asleep to their slow and steady breaths. Juyeon remembers everything as if it was yesterday, maybe.
One day, I told myself, that I would soon learn how to look at the world like you. You, with hazelnut eyes that crinkle in such giddiness. I'm nothing like you, I told myself.
Because what made you think I was so special? What did I do to even deserve to be something special? For the longest time, I didn't know.
You think so much of me, I wonder how I look in your eyes. Because in my eyes, you were something the world shouldn't have. Special and deserving of so much love.
If I was half the things you saw in me, then maybe I'd learn how to love.
"Juyeon, have I ever told you your cooking is amazing?"
Juyeon grinned, ear to ear as he proudly placed a hand on his own hip smugly."No, you quite haven't—"
Changmin deadpanned straight to the point."Then why do you keep cooking?"
Juyeon makes sure to hit him with the spatula after that. Ungrateful brat, he chastised, cleaning up the bowls by himself sulking. Juyeon knows his cooking is probably a biohazard, but he still would've appreciated some positive feedback.
"Aww, I'm sorry you big baby," Changmin cooed, nudging his hip against Juyeon's gently."I swear I was kidding. They taste worse."
The latter scowled back."I hope you starve."
Changmin doesn't even take his threats that seriously anymore, giggling."Cut down on the salt next time, okay?"
But Juyeon can never be mad at Changmin for too long, and that was his weakness. Because Changmin's too lovable of some sort, you can't hold a grudge for so long against the latter.
"I'm not taking your advice seriously," Juyeon sneered back, putting the bowls onto the drying rack."I saw you eating toast with mustard. You don't have any rights either."
"Hey!" Changmin protested. It's cute. It's so cute . Juyeon breaks out in a grin when Changmin hits him lightly on the way out of the kitchen.
And they fall onto the couch, just like any Thursday, on top of each other as they switch the channels and count how many commercials it takes until Full House plays back. On some days, Changmin's head rests on Juyeon's lap, and other days, interchangeably.
"Shit!" Juyeon cursed one day, seeing Changmin yelp in pain after he had accidentally tripped over Changmin's dumb crocs and spilled hot chocolate onto the latter's hand.
Panic rushing through his veins, he sets the mugs aside and runs to the kitchen, coming back out with a bunch of ice cubes wrapped in cloth. Pressing it against Changmin's hand, blowing onto it.
Worry laced in his voice, he apologized."I'm so sorry… does it hurt a lot?"
Changmin's eyebrows are furrowed together, yet he offers a feeble smile."Not that much. It's fine, Yeonie. It wasn't on purpose anyways."
"Still—"
"Yeonie, it's fine, I swear." Changmin chuckled, his free hand patting Juyeon's head."Stop worrying so much."
Worry. Worry meant care.
Oh god. I do care about him, do I? Juyeon slammed his forehead against the shower wall, hot water running down his nape. stop thinking about it. Changmin's just a friend you truly care about. Yeah. That's it.
"Friends don't imagine kissing their friend, Juyeon." Chanhee had a habit to not hold back, looking him dead in the eye.
It's all because Juyeon had accidentally panic texted Chanhee about how Changmin had the habit of sneaking into his bed to get the so called 'homie hugs' and Juyeon might've leaned in too much and almost ended up ruining their two year friendship in one mistake of his.
Juyeon ignored him. Because that would've meant something more than the 'like' word. Something more than looking for excitement, something new and bold and daring.
"Juyeon!" Changmin complained, crossing his arms in a hissy fit."You're too slow! What if we miss the parade?"
"I'm coming, your highness," Juyeon snickered, wrapping his arm around Changmin's waist snugly. Maybe at first it felt like a leap, but after so many times it just became a habit. So he pulled the latter closer.
Changmin turned to glare at him."If we miss the parade, I'm cutting out circular breath strips and replacing your contact lenses."
"Cruel." cute.
And maybe, this day Juyeon realizes everything.
"Yeonie!" Changmin grinned ear to ear, holding up an uglydoll beanie in cyan, matching the purple one pulled over Changmin's head."Look how cute these are!"
Changmin-ah, that ain't it. Juyeon laughed in disbelief, because he knew his roommate had such an eccentric taste in things that didn't make sense. Like halloween masks and the sweet beloved pigeon figurine sitting in Changmin's bookshelf.
But with a sigh, Juyeon didn't have the heart to say it. So he beckoned Changmin over closer with a mellow look, the crowd squeezing together as the Disney Princess float parade could be seen on the horizon.
"Yeonie, you'd look good in anything, don't cha think?" Changmin grinned wolfishly, pulling the beanie softly over Juyeon's head. Juyeon, staring at Changmin's shoes (correction; his shoes because Changmin stole them again) while rolling his eyes.
Juyeon lifts his head, shaking his head."Cut the flattery, Minnie."
But Minnie 's too close, a few inches apart from his own face. And Juyeon could see his own reflection in Changmin's giddy eyes, the latter's arms still wrapped around Juyeon's neck.
Minnie is warm, bright and comforting. He was everything new and exciting, while being something Juyeon could confide in, and for the first time; he feels home after a long trip away. It's gentle and tender.
"What do you think love is?" Juyeon brought himself to ask out of the blue. The crowds cheering louder, the sounds of trumpets blaring and horns of arrival. Mascots, screams of joy.
Changmin smiled warmly, letting out an exhale due to the weather. It's everything Juyeon wants. Not too bright, not too new. Like coffee and bookshelves and rainy days. Christmas lights and yellow sunshine.
"Love is finding home, Juyeonie." Changmin leaned in to rest his head on Juyeon's shoulder, strawberry locks tickling the side of his jaw."Now shut up and watch the parade."
So this is love. Juyeon thinks, his heartbeat against Changmin's.
And Juyeon closed his eyes, Changmin pressed against his body snuggly, a smile tugging on his lips. It's like he's young again, his mother and father dancing in the kitchen with cartoons playing on the old television.
When Juyeon watched movies, he never understood how people could be smitten, so lost in each other. He thought they were silly; how the world would be in slow motion when it was just the two of them.
But Changmin's in his arms for once in a whole different world, and Juyeon has too many intense emotions swirling inside him like a whirlpool. Perhaps the movies were right; it was magic.
Maybe the only thing Juyeon regretted in his life was not letting his mother go, neither loving countless people wholeheartedly to none, nor letting himself dwell in his darkest moments.
Rather it was forgetting to kiss Changmin the moment he smiled at him, telling Juyeon he was the loveliest person in the world.
Because Changmin was the only name Juyeon knew of love.