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Xingqiu doesn’t know how to feel.
Though betrayed and anxious would likely not stray too far from a plausible description. He doesn’t want to assume, doesn’t want to make up assumptions but he truthfully can’t stop his own mind from doing so.
He’d forgotten most of the past days’ events and it had all been Chongyun’s fault. Chongyun. A part of Xingqiu wants to know every single detail, every single conversation he’d had with the exorcist - the other part of him is scared, worried, can’t help but think of all the possibilities regarding what he’d said during his sickened state. The emptiness nags at him, makes him feel like teetering on the edge of completely losing any sort of grasp on his emotions. Quite frankly he still wishes for this entire thing to be a huge misunderstanding, but he’d asked and still...
“Young master!”
“Biyu?”
The woman bows deeply before Xingqiu even has the chance stop her, sending him one of her bright smiles which never fails to make him feel at ease. “I’m here to inform you that your family will return this afternoon.”
Xingqiu nods, not sure what else to reply really, waiting for her to turn around again and leave. It’s not like he dislikes her presence, rather the opposite, but his head is starting to hurt again and getting some rest sure does seem quite appealing right now...
“I know it’s perhaps not in my position to say this but... I’m glad you decided to take the medicine, and to see that you are doing better because of it now.”
The last thing Xingqiu registers is the door shutting with a soft thud, his heart rate picking up as his brain tries to catch up on the information he’d just received.
And as the pieces slot together he feels sick all over again, this time for an entirely different reason. But even then, a part of him wants to believe and hope, hope that he might’ve misunderstood, hope that he was wrong.
Xingqiu calls out as his heart pounds in his ears, nearly drowning out everything else. The door to his bedroom opens again, the other shooting him a confused but nonetheless polite smile.
“I cannot quite recall when exactly it was I decided to take said medicine so... would you mind..?”
“Oh no not at all! I believe it was the first day young exorcist Chongyun decided to visit when I handed him the medicine. He said you’d agreed to take it.” She says all of it with a smile and it takes all of Xingqiu to reciprocate the gesture though he feels like throwing up at the words.
She bows again before leaving, Xingqiu not having the willpower to stop her.
He said you’d agreed to take it.
Agreed? He’s more than sure he’d done no such thing and he grips his sheets at the thought. Why? Why would Chongyun betray him like that? And the exorcist wasn’t even present to tell Xingqiu himself, had left Xingqiu’s side days ago and he can’t help but wonder... Why exactly had he left him?
He’s almost sure he must’ve said something to upset the exorcist and desperately tries to reel his thoughts in, aiming to prevent them from going to awful places.
Because archons know Xingqiu has far too many secrets from the exorcist at the moment.
•
“Master Xingqiu? I am rather surprised to see you calling for little old me! And quite so soon too...” Hu Tao shoots him one of her signature smiles as she flops down on one of the nearby chairs, her eyes roaming Xingqiu’s bedroom as if such was the first time she’d seen it. Which was obviously not the case.
He clears his throat, trying to sort his thoughts with his still pounding head, aiming to recall why exactly he’d called for the Funeral Parlour’s director.
“You claimed you saw Chongyun during the past days?”
“Oh yes I did! He seemed quite upset if I do say so myself! I tried greeting him but he just rushed past me...” She pouts slightly at the memory but Xingqiu merely hums in reply.
“When was that?”
Her eyebrows furrow at the question. “Hmm... surely a while ago! I did see him again yesterday though!”
“Y-yesterday?!”
She cocks her head at the reply. “Yes, I believe he was sitting at Wanmin conversing with Xiangling. If I think about it... he did look pretty upset again! I wonder what that exorcist is up to?”
Xingqiu feels his blood running cold at the remark. Chongyun at Wanmin talking to Xiangling? No, no, no he should stop assuming, surely-
“Do you know what they were conversing about?”
Clearly not the reply she’d expected if the slight widening of her eyes was anything to go by, but still, Hu Tao narrows her eyes in thought before replying. “I am... not sure actually. Once I approached they stopped talking, admittedly rather suspicious...”
At this point Xingqiu was sure his heart was beating so loud and rapidly even Hu Tao could make out the sound from where she’s currently seated. Surely this couldn’t be... So Chongyun was avoiding him deliberately? And talking about it with Xiangling of all people?
Unsure of whether it was due to his still slightly sickened state - not like he cared - Xingqiu feels any sense of rationality seeping from him, only leaving anxiety and the bitter scent of betrayal behind. His voice is flat when he answers, devoid of any emotion and he knows it’s more than unusual for him, knows because he surely isn’t just imagining Hu Tao slightly flinch at his next words.
“Thank you for letting me know, I believe I have... somewhere to be now.”
Luckily she takes the hint, bids him farewell rather abruptly and heads outside. The door isn’t even shut before Xingqiu gets out of bed, ignoring the pounding mess that is his head and fumbles for his clothing. He had to know, couldn’t just idly sit here and wait. Not with him having done so for days, not with him knowing what the exorcist had done and what such might’ve led to, not with him knowing the other was deliberately avoiding him at this point and was likely talking about it with the one person he had feared he would the most.
And so he all but hurries outside, ignoring most of their servant’s calls and questions.
•
Perhaps he should’ve expected it, his predictions being correct were rather unlikely, and still, the sight of Wanmin Restaurant devoid of a certain exorcist only causes his anxieties to rage and whirl around.
A part of him, likely the last bit of rationality that was left, whispers at him to talk to Xiangling first, to confirm if his predictions were even correct, but he rids his mind of the thought with the quick shake of his head, already turning on his heel to find the exorcist.
This behaviour isn’t like him, he knows, oh archons he knows, and still... He can’t stop himself, the pounding in his head only increasing in volume and the ugly feeling of anxiety and hurt merely continuing to pull at him. Xingqiu faintly wonders whether he’s ever felt this horrendous before in his entire life and reaches the conclusion that no, even during his days of sickness he possibly couldn’t have felt this bad.
His heels click against the floor as his gaze is turned straight ahead, barely focusing on anything, merely focused on the path ahead. But even that focus seems to lessen, otherwise he might’ve noticed the person coming from his left before crashing into them.
The impact isn’t a big one but with Xingqiu’s mind a mess and his body still weakened he stumbles backwards, nearly falling to the floor below if it weren’t for a pair of hands steadying him and preventing him from falling. He whips his head around and his breath catches inside his throat.
“Ch-Chongyun?”
“Xingqiu? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to rest?”
Xingqiu immediately pulls back at the words, dusting off his clothing as he fixes the exorcist with a frown. Thoughts whisper and simultaneously yell at him, urging him to talk, to act, to even yell himself. He shakes his head, aiming to achieve at least some sense of clarity which only causes the exorcist to shoot him a worried look and archons does he wish he could wipe that look off his face.
“Perhaps we should head back before-“
“No! No, no how- how dare you?”
Chongyun recoils at Xingqiu’s words, clearly not having expected them. His mouth hangs open and Xingqiu would likely deem the sight hilarious if it weren’t for their current situation. Instead he feels something well up inside of him, something ugly which he knows shouldn’t feel the way it does, shouldn’t feel good, but it does, it feels good, and he hates himself for it.
“What are you talking about?”
“So you wish to talk about this here?”
“I- N-No,” Chongyun shakes his head, shoots Xingqiu a grimace and lightly grabs the other’s arm to pull him along. Xingqiu doesn’t like the touch, it hurts and nonetheless he still craves more, evidently just letting himself be pulled along.
They reach a small clearing along the road, a few trees framing the spot they’re currently standing on. As soon as they come to a halt Xingqiu pulls away as if burned, his eyes coming to land on the exorcist’s still confused frown.
“Where were you?” The question leaves him before he can stop himself, and a part of him already curses himself for it. This wasn’t like him, to just blurt out remarks without thinking beforehand. Xingqiu tended to think, observe, plan before saying anything.
Apparently Chongyun seemed to be the only exception.
The exorcist inhales deeply at the question, eyes flitting to Xingqiu’s right, which really doesn’t do anything to quell his worries and anxieties. “Xingqiu I- I just...”
Xingqiu gives him space, keeps quiet, silently edging him on to continue, to finally answer, but he doesn’t. Chongyun’s voice trails off into nothing and it’s then that he comes to realise that he wouldn’t get an answer, not now, not like this. He can’t keep himself from scoffing, shaking his pounding head as he takes a step back.
“I see,” he says, so quietly he’s barely able to make out his own words. If Chongyun’s gaze landing on his own was anything to go by he’d understood nonetheless. Frankly he doesn’t want to deal with this, never wanted to. Xingqiu is confused, he doesn’t know what to think or to feel and the hope of seeking answers through confronting Chongyun had been nothing but incredibly foolish.
If anything he was even more confused, even more hurt. He left you. He left you after lying to you. He left because you said too much.
He doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t want an even clearer confirmation that this was his fault all along. His fault for running his mouth and talking too much. And he couldn’t even remember! No, no he couldn’t stay here. He had to leave and sort his head. A part of Xingqiu figures Chongyun never wanted him here in the first place.
He really couldn’t blame him now could he?
Then Xingqiu is rushing off, shutting out everything else around him as his feet carry him further and further away from the blue haired exorcist.
•
The liquid in front of him steams near peacefully, the vapour in front of him wafting through the air slowly. Xingqiu stifles a sigh as he drags his spoon through the green beverage, eyes trained on the ripples the action creates.
“You’re quieter than usual.”
All Xingqiu can do is hum in reply, his entire body feeling so incredibly heavy. Maybe it was due to him barely having slept last night? Who could blame him really with everything going on at the moment. Yunjin sighs quietly from where she’s seated in front of him, taking one of Xingqiu’s hands in her own.
“You should talk about it. I figure that’s partly why you chose to visit anyway?” she asks, her voice as smooth as silk and oh so soothing for the guhua disciple’s mind.
All Xingqiu can do is nod dumbly in reply and despite basically agreeing to talk no words seem to leave him. Still, Yunjin just keeps quiet, one of her hands still holding his own. It takes longer than he would’ve liked, longer than what he figures was common for him but he eventually manages to respond.
“I have a question for you. If one of your... loved ones were to lie to you and betray your trust, how would you react?”
Best to start somewhere after all? Despite knowing that the current miserableness between him and the exorcist was due to Xingqiu’s loose mouth he still felt hurt, hurt and confused. He’s aware that the question was too unclear and unspecific but he also knows Yunjin would likely manage to answer it anyway. The singer in front of him frowns and averts her eyes for a few seconds, seemingly contemplating said question.
“The wording of your question is incredibly vague. I trust you must have reason for doing so, so I’ll try my best to answer nonetheless,” she sends him a small smile. “There have been a few occasions in the past, me being on the receiving end most times. It hurts obviously, being faced with the act of betrayal from one of the few people closest to you. But Xingqiu let me tell you, though betraying one’s trust is never an acceptable thing, all of those loved ones never acted with their own interest in mind.”
“You mean...?”
“Communication is key, always has been even if it hurts. I don’t let anyone close to me without reason, without placing a certain amount of trust in them. And even if they end up betraying said trust they’ve never truthfully had bad intentions. I’m not saying such makes it alright, I’m merely saying that-“
“-that I should inquire further before drawing conclusions?”
Yunjin nods. “Indeed, once you figure you’ve learned the whole story behind one’s actions and still find yourself not knowing how to act, I’ll be here. I assume you haven’t done that yet, have you?”
Truthfully, no. Xingqiu’s head had been reeling with all kinds of ugly thoughts when seeking Chongyun’s presence and he’d left before even giving the exorcist the chance to reply coherently. Then again... he hadn’t seemed too willing to talk about it either.
It’s because he’s uncomfortable around you now, you said too much.
Xingqiu shakes his head at the thought, inhaling deeply before sending the singer in front of him a smile.
“Thank you, I shall try.”
He’s truthfully close to terrified of confronting the exorcist, just the thought of it sending him into a frenzy. But he figures it’s necessary, communication is key after all and the least he can do is listen to his friend. (Xingqiu tries to ignore the tiny bit of hope flickering inside of him, most of him knowing he shouldn’t even dare himself to hope, especially considering how Chongyun had acted the past days... and still.)
(A part of him knows he’ll end up getting hurt.)
•
It’s near impossible to seek out Chongyun without confronting Xiangling directly. Though Xingqiu knows where and when the exorcist trains and practises, it seems like the other had changed his daily routine.
So he can avoid you.
He also knows the likely wisest thing to do would be to simply confront the cook but he can’t bring himself to, too scared to get the confirmation from someone other than Chongyun, too scared to receive the other’s pitying look, telling him that she’s oh so sorry things didn’t work out as his feelings had managed to ruin his most important relationship. Xingqiu also knows his family had likely caught onto his strange behaviour, consisting of sleepless nights where he sneaks into the comfort of their library instead of even attempting to sleep. He hasn’t looked in a mirror the past days either, already knowing he likely looks as much of a mess as he feels.
All he can do is sigh as he kicks a pebble across the grass, stifling a groan as he seats himself down next to a tree. Once again Chongyun hadn’t come to his training this morning, just like the past three days. Xingqiu is tired, he hasn’t gotten a night of decent sleep in what feels like ages. He slumps back against the tree and can already feel his eyelids drooping, his mind telling him that falling asleep right here was likely not the wisest thing to do, but his body admittedly not having the strength to get up and walk all the way back to the harbour. How late was it anyway? Xingqiu really doesn’t care at this point, nor does he have the strength to, and so he surrenders to sleep, figuring that a bit of rest wouldn’t hurt.
Surely he’d wake up in a few minutes anyway.
When he wakes it’s dark outside and it’s to the touch of two warm hands gently shaking him awake.
“Xingqiu? Xingqiu can you hear me? Archons, for how long have you been staying here? What are you even doing here, why aren’t you home?”
All he can reply with is an unintelligent humming noise, his hands coming up to rub his eyes in order to clear his vision. He nearly chokes on air when he makes out Chongyun sitting in front of him, his hands coming up once again to rub his eyes, surely he was just hallucinating at this point?! And still, the exorcist doesn’t vanish, the recognition that he’s actually right here in front of him causing Xingqiu’s anxieties to spiral awfully.
“O-oh you weren’t meant to- You didn’t train here this morning..?”
Chongyun sends him a confused look before recognition and hurt wash over his face. “No that’s true, I didn’t. I-I train in the afternoon now.”
“Oh.”
The exorcist hums in reply and it takes Xingqiu a second to even remember everything that happened the past days. He staggers to his feet immediately, his eyes fixing Chongyun’s own. “We have to talk,” he says, and the exorcist’s eyes widen near fearfully at the statement.
“R-right now?”
“Yes. I-I can’t do this any longer, Chongyun I’ve barely been sleeping the past days,” he says with a small laugh, like it’s a joke, like it hasn’t been an issue.
“I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry for not reciprocating your feelings and avoiding you because I’m secretly appalled by them.
“Wh-What are you sorry for?”
Just asking the question fills him with anxiety and dread but he pushes it all down, aiming to keep a clear head in order to actually get something out of this conversation.
“Xingqiu I’m-“ he takes a step forward before seemingly reconsidering and stepping back, “I’m sorry for leaving that day. I know I... I know I shouldn’t’ve avoided you either, I know it wasn’t the right thing to do and archons I never meant to hurt you with it, I just figured it would be for the best.”
I’ve been avoiding you so I don’t have to break your heart and tell you the truth.
Xingqiu sucks in a breath, nodding in understanding though he truthfully doesn’t understanding anything. “Did- did you leave because of... because you lied to me? I know about the medicine...” he averts his gaze, not wanting to see the other’s expression at his words.
Please tell me it’s not because I ran my mouth. Please tell me you never meant to hurt me.
“O-Oh I’m- Xingqiu I swear I’m so sorry I wasn’t thinking, I just- You were hurting and all I’ve ever wanted for you is the best, I’m aware it wasn’t the right thing to do in your eyes but... If there’s anything I can do to take away your pain I’d do it in a heartbeat and that won’t change.”
Now Xingqiu is genuinely left completely speechless, his eyes flitting up to the other’s face.
And Chongyun looks so sad and so honest it makes Xingqiu’s heart ache inside his rib cage. Naturally a part of him is still upset, still fears that Chongyun’s decision had led to so much worse. He wants to ask, wants to reply with something, anything, but no words leave him and he hates himself for it.
The exorcist shuts his eyes and sighs and it’s then that Xingqiu realises Chongyun wasn’t done talking yet.
“And you can’t imagine how sorry I am for leaving you. I just- Archons, Xingqiu after that medicine you were so affectionate, and it hurt you know? I’m aware we don’t feel the same and I won’t ever pressure you to change, I’m already trying to accept your feelings and I... I think I’m doing fairly well so far. You mean so much to me and I don’t wish to lose you, I can get over this if that’s alright with you. I don’t want us to end our friendship because of something as s-silly as this... I can’t change the way I feel but... I can try to accept the way you feel and,” he sucks in a deep breath and if Xingqiu’s mind wasn’t completely wiped, the only thing ringing inside his head being the other’s words, he might’ve taken note of the exorcist’s teary eyes, “a-and I can learn to live with them if that’s what you want.”
I’m aware we don’t feel the same.
Then it’s quiet and though Xingqiu swears he hears his heart shatter at the confirmation, he smiles and it’s actually genuine.
Because if there’s anything worse it would be losing the person most important to him.
Naturally it hurts, it hurts oh so bad but Xingqiu figures a part of him had always known, had always been aware that there was simply no way for someone as bright and lovely as Chongyun to possibly be in love with him. Xingqiu also figures he should be grateful for the other, grateful for Chongyun trying his best to keep Xingqiu from leaving, trying his best to try and accept his feelings instead of pushing him away like he’d feared he would.
He can’t help but stumble forward at the thought, wrapping his arms around the other’s middle. “I’m sorry too, I wish I could change the way I feel... It’s a-alright I can learn to live with this too, anything to keep you here. Chongyun I don’t ever wish to lose you, you’re too important to me.”
Xingqiu admittedly doesn’t register what it is that he’s even saying, too many emotions at once washing over him and causing him to contemplate whether this was even real.
He can make out the exorcist exhaling at the words, reciprocating the gesture and embracing Xingqiu while burying his head in the crook of his neck. Xingqiu tries not to let all the tears he’s been holding back flow at the touch. Crying would likely be pathetic right now, he knows that. He should be glad about this outcome and Chongyun’s kindness if anything.
And still... it must be the bitter sweetness of the touch, of the possibilities, a reminder of what they could’ve had that suddenly brings a thought to the foreground of his head. An ugly and perhaps forbidden thought, something he should keep locked up inside of him instead of clinging onto it, desperately trying to make it real.
But Xingqiu is a mess, he hasn’t slept in days and is still heartbroken, and so he finds himself holding onto the entire fantasy and silently wishing it were real anyway.
“Chongyun, I know I’m in no place to demand anything from you but...”
He also knows it’s unfair. Xingqiu already knows Chongyun’s answer after all.
He faintly wonders if it will merely cause him to hurt even more.
The exorcist moves his head, looking down at Xingqiu, his lips slightly parted. The guhua disciple closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, already regretting his next words.
“Chongyun, may I kiss you?”