Work Text:
“Chongyun, may I kiss you?”
When the exorcist had heard the words leave Xingqiu’s mouth he’d quite frankly thought he’d been imagining things.
Because archons know Xingqiu wouldn’t ask Chongyun out of everyone to kiss him. Then again, after processing he’d actually heard correctly, the entire question didn’t even seem untypical of Xingqiu to ask, Chongyun knew Xingqiu likely just felt bad for him. Confessing one’s unrequited feelings and receiving a confirmation surely wasn’t the nicest thing to experience. So... Xingqiu likely did simply feel bad for him?
Chongyun had actually been close to asking his friend if he’d been sure, close to letting him know that he truly didn’t have to go such lengths just to make the exorcist feel better. But then again...
Then again Chongyun could be incredibly selfish.
He wouldn’t say he’s a selfish person of nature, but... Xingqiu had offered, hadn’t he? And despite the fact that he doesn’t refuse his friend a single thing, no matter how absurd the request might be, he also knew it was likely the last chance for him to ever come this close to Xingqiu in the way he wished for so dearly.
So Xingqiu’s unfairly soft lips had met his own and though the touch had felt like everything he’d ever imagined, it still left him feeling empty and yearning for more. There wouldn’t be more though, Chongyun wasn’t foolish enough to believe there would be. Xingqiu had sent him a small smile after pulling back and the exorcist genuinely can’t remember if he’d just imagined the sadness in it.
Since then... Since then things had actually been considerably normal, or say, closer to normal than the exorcist had imagined. Xingqiu and him spent as much time together as usual, talking about the usual topics, acting more or less the same way.
Well, more or less. Chongyun knew he’d been behaving slightly off ever since that day, but he figured none of it was evident when spending time with his friend, more when training or fulfilling commissions. Though he tried not to, his thoughts, usually set on his exorcist work and nothing else, kept drifting to his conversation with Xingqiu and... everything after. (He should really aim to get that godforsaken kiss out of his head.) So really, he figures his behaviour could more or less be considered ‘normal’... but Xingqiu?
Xingqiu had been reading a lot the past days.
A lot as in Chongyun catches him with three or four different books each day, and he knows for a fact that Xingqiu had actually finished reading them all, knows because of the small remarks the other makes about each ending every day. Now, Xingqiu had always read much in the past and Chongyun never managed to catch him with the same book on two different days but... this, this was a lot. He wouldn’t mind really, if it weren’t for the fact that Xingqiu still looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks. Chongyun had tried bringing it up once but Xingqiu had just nodded aimlessly, too infatuated with the fourteenth book that week. Really, judging by his friend’s... slightly concerning behaviour the past days, he shouldn’t even be too surprised about his current situation.
Current situation being Xingqiu slumped against a tree, eyes closed and quiet snores leaving him. The book he must currently be reading rests in his lap, one of his hands still holding onto it. Xingqiu had told the exorcist to meet him here and though Chongyun figures he was slightly late, he hadn’t anticipated to find his friend asleep under a tree. The exorcist was truthfully just worried at this point, and while the sight of a napping Xingqiu was rather adorable he still felt mostly pained at the sight.
He crouches down next to his friend, observing his face before waving a hand in front of his face. No reaction. Chongyun isn’t sure what it was he’d been expecting but... it wasn’t this. Usually Xingqiu wakes even at the slightest movement or noise so Chongyun figures he must be really exhausted if he was somehow still asleep. He stifles a sigh as he lets himself fall backwards and shifts into a sitting position, watching his friend’s navy hair sway slightly in the breeze. Should he wake him? It’s not something the exorcist wants to do, knowing for a fact that Xingqiu needs as much rest as possible. Then again... his position did look rather uncomfortable, but carrying him all the way to the harbour just seemed ridiculous.
He couldn’t just leave him like this though, archons know Xingqiu’s neck would hate him for it and he figures the guhua disciple wouldn’t be too happy about it either.
But Chongyun really doesn’t wish to wake him...
He lets out an involuntarily groan, already cursing himself for his next course of action, and carefully seats himself next to Xingqiu. Holding his breath, he slowly takes the book from Xingqiu’s grasp, making sure to remember the page before closing it. He waits for a few seconds, checking for any sort of movement from his friend, but nothing. Chongyun lets out a relieved sigh, internally praying to the seven before placing his hands on either side of his friend, and he swears he will overheat because this must be one of the most ridiculous things he’s ever come up with but he does it anyway and miraculously he manages.
Naturally Xingqiu begins to stir a bit in the process and Chongyun fears that he’ll wake up and his head does flop into his lap rather awkwardly but he managed and that’s all that matters. For whatever reason (likely getting no proper sleep in days) Xingqiu doesn’t wake once though and keeps snoring on peacefully while resting in the exorcist’s lap. After breathing out a long sigh of relief and reassuring himself once again that Xingqiu was indeed asleep, the thought of how he’d react to Xingqiu’s (more or less assured) questioning echoes inside his head. Would he believe him? Likely, Chongyun honestly doubts he’d end up taking it the wrong way.
Still, he worries. Especially because his eyes seem to drift towards his friend’s resting face more than likely considered appropriate. He just can’t stop himself from staring. As weird as it may sound, Chongyun rarely gets the chance to really admire his friend’s features without it appearing strange. A shame because Xingqiu really was unfairly pretty. Even with the dark circles underneath his eyes his skin still seems too unblemished to be real, his long lashes resting on his slightly rosey cheeks so delicately, and Chongyun’s gaze ends up drifting towards his friend’s lips before he can stop himself. They look so soft, and knowing exactly what kissing them feels like really didn’t make this any better.
Chongyun gets the urge to groan again, perhaps pulling Xingqiu in his lap hadn’t been the best decision to make after all. He decides to simply focus on their surroundings instead, convinced that it might be able to distract him.
It actually works at first, at least the first couple of minutes. It works until the cutest of sighs leaves the person still resting in his lap, and really, sighing shouldn’t even come close to sounding this endearing. But it does, and makes Chongyun’s gaze snap back towards Xingqiu’s face as a result. Xingqiu had actually turned his head a bit, the left side of his face slightly nuzzled into Chongyun’s chest. The sight makes his heart stutter involuntarily and not for the first time does the exorcist curse himself for having fallen in love with his best friend. His best friend who unsurprisingly didn’t return his feelings.
Xingqiu begins mumbling into his chest and Chongyun cranes his neck to understand. Had he woken up already?
To his relief it seems like he hadn’t, Xingqiu’s resting face still partly hidden from view. Due to the change in position a few strands of his dark hair had begun falling into his face though, and Chongyun reaches out before he has the time to think about it. Carefully he brushes the dark locks to the side and tucks them behind Xingqiu’s ear, feeling himself smile slightly at the peaceful expression still resting on his friend’s face. It’s only now that he realises how tired Xingqiu had appeared the past days and Chongyun ponders over whether to mention it to his best friend anytime soon. He wants to, but he’s admittedly worried about how he’ll react. It might end up seeming like the exorcist was too pushy or even obsessed, and though he knows the thought itself is a stupid one he can’t stop himself from worrying nonetheless. He just really wants Xingqiu to rest and for things to go back to the way they were, even though the changes aren’t really significant ones they’re changes nonetheless.
He’s so caught up in his own thoughts that his hand begins wandering absentmindedly and without much thought.
It’s only when he grazes the soft skin of his friend’s lips and said friend’s lashes begin to flutter that Chongyun realises what exactly he’d been doing. He pulls back as if burnt but it’s already too late, Xingqiu’s eyes fixate him lazily before widening in surprise. His lips form a delicate o-shape and only after he takes in their surroundings does he raise his voice. “I have to assume I... fell asleep?”
Chongyun snorts at the question, his mind going into overdrive as he begins fretting over whether Xingqiu had caught him or not. He doesn’t know what to say or how to explain his behaviour, not with him unsure about what it is he was even trying to do. Still, Chongyun worries his friend might end up asking him about it, and it’s when Xingqiu parts his lips that anxiety grips him and causes him to interrupt his friend before he even gets the chance to say anything.
“Why aren’t you resting properly? Is it because of the books you’ve been reading?”
Xingqiu shuts his mouth abruptly at the question, his gaze flitting to the tree next to them instead of the exorcist’s face. He doesn’t provide Chongyun with a reply right away and he’s considering to ask again when the guhua disciple finally replies.
“Ah, I fear it is. I’ve just been... immersing myself in a different genre recently. There are quite a lot of books for it! Not a revelation really, if we consider the genre itself...”
Chongyun can’t help but raise an eyebrow at the response, a different kind of genre? Was there even one Xingqiu hadn’t read books of? His gaze wanders to the book he’d put away earlier, his eyes squinting to read the brown letters imprinted on the cover. “You’ve been... reading romance novels?”
The exorcist swears his eyes must be the size of saucers now, the realisation that Xingqiu had been reading romance novels wasn’t exactly a shocking one, but to think that he’d been reading countless of novels related to the genre recently... Laughter spills out of him before he can stop himself and it doesn’t take long for Xingqiu to swat at him, his cheeks the colour of Jueyun chilli. “D-Do not laugh! Chongyun you-!”
The exorcist’s laughter doesn’t seize though, if anything it only grows in volume. Apparently Xingqiu was far from pleased with Chongyun’s reaction though, the guhua disciple switching into a sitting position to scowl directly at the exorcist. His navy hair sticks up in all sort of places and Chongyun has to realise that Xingqiu looks utterly adorable like this. “I apologise, it’s just... surprising that’s all,” Chongyun says, one of his hands reaching out to fix the other’s hair. Xingqiu goes completely still at the touch, something that causes the exorcist to pull back immediately, an apology already on his lips.
“It’s quite alright, though I do have to wonder why it would appear surprising.” Xingqiu raises an eyebrow expectantly and suddenly Chongyun understands.
“You don’t have to read these just to understand me better, I promise I’m alright with how... things turned out to be.”
“I’m not-“ Xingqiu huffs in frustration and averts his gaze and it’s then that Chongyun comes to realise two things: 1. Xingqiu seems frustrated but especially upset, and 2. the exorcist himself seems to have been the sole reason for Xingqiu’s recent lack of rest. The thought makes him feel sick and especially guilty, the last thing he ever wants being to cause his best friend any trouble. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to experience any lack of sleep because of me and my behaviour.”
“W-What?!” Xingqiu whips his head towards him so fast Chongyun worries he’ll experience whiplash, his eyes wide and brows slightly furrowed. “T-That’s not why I’ve been losing sleep! In fact it has nothing to do with you at all!”
Chongyun shoots Xingqiu a confused look at the remark, causing the guhua disciple to sigh deeply before raising his voice. “It’s ah.. It’s due to- due to the temperature.”
“Due to the... temperature?” The exorcist fails to keep the growing disbelief out of his voice, most of him still confused with Xingqiu’s sudden explanation. His friend just nods at him though, crossing his arms in front of his chest before averting his gaze.
“It’s been way too heated the past couple days. I’ve had trouble sleeping which is why I’ve resorted to reading instead. And I just thought…”
So the main cause for Xingqiu’s lack of sleep had been the weather? Admittedly there had been a raise in temperature lately, something that resulted in Chongyun avoiding the outside as much as possible and if he did decide to leave his home he made sure never to step outside without the parasol Xingqiu had gifted him. Whenever it had appeared close to being too much to bear Chongyun had simply made use of his cryo vision, and-
Wait.
“Xingqiu.” His friends gaze snaps towards him at the mention of his name and Chongyun takes a deep breath, part of him unsure whether the idea that had just crossed his mind was truly a good one. The slightly worried look in his friend’s eyes ultimately gives him the last push and the exorcist decides that the worst that could happen would be Xingqiu declining his offer.
“If you’ve been experiencing trouble sleeping due to the increase in temperature, maybe I could… help you? It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve used my vision as a way to cool myself down so… it should work, right?”
Despite perhaps never having been this unsure of something in his entire life Chongyun keeps his eyes trained on the person close to him, wanting to let the other know that he was being serious about this. Meanwhile his friend’s expression slips into something more calculating, his teeth slightly gnawing on his bottom lip as he narrows his eyes and scrunches his eyebrows together. Chongyun knows Xingqiu is thinking about his proposal and all he can do is keep his gaze turned straight ahead and convince himself to not suddenly back out of this. He genuinely wants Xingqiu to finally get some proper rest and to not look the way he does right now sitting in front of him. He doesn’t just look tired, he looks drained and exhausted, and if there’s anything the exorcist could do to change that look on Xingqiu’s face he’d do so in a heartbeat.
“And you’re… okay with this? Surely you know what such a proposal would entail?”
Oh, he’s worried about him. Chongyun understands why, but he’s come to (more or less) accept his unrequited feelings and he’s sure he’d bear being this close to Xingqiu and ignoring his feelings if it’s for the other’s well-being. He shrugs in a hopefully nonchalant manner, hopeful that he’ll get Xingqiu to actually accept. Now the guhua disciple fixes him with a look Chongyun fails to figure out, before closing his eyes and nodding. “Alright then,” he says and the exorcist’s heart swells at the remark.
“Do you wish to head to Wanmin before staying the night? Although I figure you’d likely have to get some essentials first if you plan on staying… I could order and in the meantime you could collect them?”
Once again Chongyun admires how calm and collected Xingqiu can appear, and not for the first time does he thank the gods for the other’s presence. He ends up nodding at his friend’s question before heaving himself into a standing position and offering a hand to the other. Xingqiu sends him a small smile before accepting and pulling himself upright, likely purposely with more force than necessary which results in Chongyun stumbling a bit in surprise.
He’s about to whirl around and tell Xingqiu off when the sound of the other’s laugh fills the air, something he realises he hasn’t heard in a while and doesn’t fail in abruptly shutting him up and putting an involuntary smile on his face instead.
(Perhaps it’ll take longer than anticipated to get over his feelings.)
•
Xingqiu is in the mid of carefully placing the differently sized boxes on the expensive looking carpet of his bedroom when Chongyun enters the room. Xingqiu stops to shoot the exorcist a quick glance in reply before continuing the motion without another word.
Once he shuts the door behind himself he finds Xingqiu still on the floor, now along with five different containers spread out in front of him. At the sight the exorcist can’t help but wonder why there are currently so many of them, but before he gets the chance to ask Xingqiu shrugs and narrows his eyes at the packages in front of him. “Xiangling gave them to me. I didn’t even get the chance to say much, apparently these two are for you though.”
He points towards the two biggest containers on his left side and all Chongyun can do is nod before picking one of them up and eyeing it suspiciously. Xingqiu simply snorts from where he’s sat, earning him a small glare from the exorcist himself.
“Just try it, I made sure to ask her whether these are truly safe to eat.”
Perhaps he really should just trust his friend and dig in, the food did smell delicious after all. Xingqiu shuffles a bit closer to the exorcist as both begin to eat, a content humming noise leaving him as he finishes the dumplings in one of his boxes. When Chongyun finishes his noodles Xingqiu is close enough for their knees to touch and the exorcist tries (and fails) not to pay too much attention to how close they currently are.
“Chongyun, are you feeling unwell?”
He actually startles slightly at the remark, internally praying that Xingqiu hadn’t noticed, and shakes his head in reply. He was feeling fine after all. More or less.
The guhua disciple hums in acknowledgment and Chongyun can hear the rustling of fabric as Xingqiu gets back up. He knows he should likely say something, perhaps get up as well and help clean up the empty containers but he can’t bring himself to move. His gaze is still trained on his knees while he hears Xingqiu bustling about, likely cleaning up the empty boxes and doing archon’s know what. “If you’re uncomfortable you shouldn’t feel pressured to stay. I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he says, his voice so genuine and soft Chongyun feels the strong urge to slam his head against something.
He raises his gaze, something he already regrets upon seeing the concerned look etched in his friend’s features and sends Xingqiu a smile he hopes looks convincing enough. Despite everything the last thing he wants is to leave, leaving would mean for Xingqiu to get another restless night and Chongyun truthfully doesn’t think his friend would be able to handle any more of those. “I’m just… tired, that’s all.”
It’s not even a lie really, he does feel tired in a certain sense.
Xingqiu crouches back down in front of him, his face close enough for Chongyun to make out the feather light freckles dusted underneath his golden eyes. He doesn’t even get the chance to fully process their current situation before Xingqiu’s hand trails along the side of his face, his thumb lightly brushing across the exorcist’s cheekbone. “Perhaps we should rest then.”
It’s not fair, Chongyun can’t help but think, it’s not fair at all really. His breath is still stuck inside his throat and his mind still a hazy mess, even after the guhua disciple gets back up and leaves, something along the lines of having to change spilling from his lips. It’s not fair that someone - that Xingqiu - has such a huge impact on him, stealing his breath and reducing him to a puddle of incoherent thoughts with just a few touches. It’s not fair, and even when Xingqiu returns and shoots the exorcist a funny look Chongyun can’t bring himself to reply, not trusting any coherent sentences to leave his lips any time soon. He does however manage to get up and drag himself and the bag he brought along inside the adjoined room, still cursing himself for being so affected by something he definitely shouldn’t be this affected by.
When he enters Xingqiu’s room again the guhua disciple is already seated on his bed, the same book from earlier today resting in his lap. As soon as Chongyun closes the door behind him with a quiet thud Xingqiu’s gaze snaps up towards him, a small smile gracing his features.
Chongyun can’t help but notice that it looks a little off though, but he doesn’t trust himself enough to comment on it.
The sheets rustle softly as he joins Xingqiu on the bed, the guhua disciple closing his book in order to lie down properly. He wiggles his eyebrows at the exorcist and all Chongyun can do is groan at the sight, a part of him already regretting this entire thing. He manages to shuffle around until he’s more or less comfortable, but only when he hears the quiet noise of a candle being blown out does he manage to finally exhale.
The bed is big, very big. Something he hadn’t failed to notice even during Xingqiu’s days of sickness, though even those appeared rather hazy to him these days. It’s big, something Chongyun isn’t sure whether to take as a blessing or not. He knows he has to get close to Xingqiu in order for his vision to actually affect the other, but with their current position he figures he doesn’t come close to even remotely touching the other. He tries to remind himself that Xingqiu had agreed to this though, if anything he’d even been the one to ask for Chongyun’s reassurance multiple times.
All Chongyun wanted was for Xingqiu to get a decent night’s rest, and he still does. He’d sworn he’d do anything to make his friend feel better, something he thinks he’d never back out of.
And so he finds himself inching closer to the guhua disciple before he gets the chance to overthink their current situation again, luckily finding him with his back turned towards him, something that enables the exorcist to wrap his arms around the other’s waist and to pull him closer to his chest, close enough for the exorcist’s vision to affect him the way he wants it to.
The quiet gasp that escapes Xingqiu’s lips nearly makes him pull back again, but Xingqiu cradling one of Chongyun’s arms to his chest and intertwining his fingers with the exorcist’s own stops him before he can make a move.
“Hmmn you’re- you’re so cold.” It’s a bare whisper but somehow he still manages to understand every word.
He doesn’t question the other’s behaviour, ends up entirely focused on his words instead. “If you want I can-“
“No! No, it’s- it’s quite alright,” Xingqiu says, and he isn’t sure whether he’s imagining things but he could’ve sworn the guhua disciple shuffled even closer at his words.
Chongyun nods in reply, realising too belatedly that Xingqiu wouldn’t even be able to see. It doesn’t seem to matter though he figures, the quiet snores leaving the boy close to him already speaking volumes. He can’t help but be surprised at how fast Xingqiu had managed to fall asleep, although maybe it was just his mind playing tricks on him.
In any case it’s not really important, and so Chongyun pulls the boy he can’t seem to fall out of love with closer to his chest. He knows he’d achieved what he’d been aiming for, and that alone is enough reason for him to replace and succumb to peaceful slumber.
Now he knows that Xingqiu doesn’t return his feelings the way he’d secretly been hoping for, and though the realisation itself should’ve likely left him feeling empty when being so close to the other, all it did was make him feel content and grateful. Grateful that Xingqiu was even willing to be this close to him, grateful that he placed this much trust in Chongyun despite his past mistakes, grateful that he’ll even let himself be held by him like this.
•
He doesn’t know how exactly, but it becomes a habit.
Although perhaps ‘habit’ wouldn’t even be the right word for it.
When the exorcist had woken the morning after he’d stayed the first night to somehow fix Xingqiu’s sleep the other’s head bad been pressed against his chest, one of his hands entangled with Chongyun’s shirt. The exorcist himself isn’t quite sure how he’d managed to get out of bed in order to carry out his training without waking the other that morning, but surprisingly he had.
When Xingqiu had greeted him later that day with a packed meal from Wanmin in hand Chongyun hadn’t been able to keep the smile off his face, as well as following his friend wherever he went. When nighttime came they’d ended up in the same bed as the previous day and Chongyun honestly should’ve questioned it, should’ve questioned the way it had all appeared so natural, how the way Xingqiu had looked at him and acted felt so right, acted as if Chongyun might perhaps even be more than a friend.
Which naturally, he wasn’t. He knows that, and yet…
Even in the dark Chongyun can tell that they’re close, close enough for him to feel Xingqiu’s breath ghosting across his face. He closes his eyes, willing his racing heart to calm down.
“Chongyun?” Xingqiu asks, and archon’s know that Xingqiu whispering his name like that does all sorts of funny things to his heart.
Chongyun doesn’t reply, can’t, and only when a relieved sigh leaves the other followed by his fingers ghosting along Chongyun’s features does he realise that Xingqiu likely assumes he’s asleep.
There’s another sigh and Chongyun prays that Xingqiu doesn’t take notice of him still being awake. Why exactly he isn’t quite sure himself.
“I just wanted to thank you, I know it’s a coward’s move to thank one while they’re unable to listen but… I doubt I’d be able to express my gratitude the way I’d truly want to anyway. You’ve made this easier… somehow, and if the books I’ve read are true, then…” Chongyun assumes his friend is finished at first, but then he suddenly starts talking again, his voice so quiet yet soft that a part of him begins questioning whether he’s truly awake after all. Not only due to the quietness of it but because of Xingqiu’s following words.
“If they aren’t I won’t know what to do my dear Chongyun. I’ve been trying to figure this out but it truly has been harder than initially anticipated… I just- I just wish for you to remain by my side, even if it’s not the way I-“
Chongyun keeps quiet, hoping, silently wishing for Xingqiu to finish his sentence.
He never does.
It had all felt so right, and yet Xingqiu’s words had left the exorcist feeling confused that night. He’d waited the following nights, but not once had his friend raised his voice again after the lights had all been turned off. Perhaps the confused feeling should’ve stayed and kept nagging at him, or he should’ve noticed a change in the other’s behaviour, perhaps even mentioned it himself, but none of that had occurred. Every moment spent with the other still felt so right, so natural, and it made Chongyun question whether he’d simply imagined the entire thing.
After nearly two weeks had passed his friend’s words had turned into something distant and far away, something he concludes his own imagination had likely just spun together that night.
His hand trails along the other’s skin, drawing small circles and letters into the curve of Xingqiu’s back. He figures his friend is still asleep, it was still pretty early in the morning after all. The bedroom they’re in is dipped in soft hues of red and orange, the rising sun peeking in through the other’s silky curtains. A content humming noise leaves the other at the touch and Chongyun’s hand stills at the sound of it.
As expected it doesn’t take long for Xingqiu to raise his head from where it had been resting on the exorcist’s chest, a sleepy frown gracing his features. Chongyun can’t help but think how adorable he looks, still half asleep and slightly confused. “Why’d you stop?” he asks, his voice still rough from sleep.
It takes all of Chongyun not to burst into laughter at the sight. He raises his hand to the other’s face on impulse, tucking a few loose strands of navy hair away. Xingqiu’s eyes go wide at the touch but Chongyun doesn’t comment on it, nor does he dwell on the other’s reaction.
“So I’d get to see your face,” he says, realising that his own voice is still hoarse from sleep.
“That’s why you stopped?”
Upon nodding in reply a groan escapes Xingqiu’s lips and he hides his face back in Chongyun’s chest, the exorcist unable to hold back his laughter at the sight this time. He figures since he’d achieved what he’d been aiming for he might as well continue indulging the other, and so he continues drawing patterns onto the other’s back, unable to stop himself from thinking that he could probably live in this moment forever.
After almost three weeks he’d nearly forgotten that it had ever happened, perhaps would’ve if it weren’t for Xingqiu waking up earlier than him for the first time.
At first the exorcist thinks he’s imagining things. When he blinks his eyes open and sees Xingqiu with his back turned towards him he ends up quickly finding himself fully awake though. Not because of the realisation that his friend was already awake but because of the suppressed and quiet sounds currently spilling from his lips.
Because it sounded like Xingqiu was crying.
Just the thought of it makes Chongyun shoot up in bed, one of his hands already reaching out towards the other.
Xingqiu startles slightly at the touch and backs away, the sight causing the exorcist’s heart to clench inside his rib cage. “‘Qiu are you alright?”
“Ah…”
Chongyun watches as his friend drags one of his silky sleeves across his eyes before turning towards him, a crooked smile now plastered on his face. An insincere smile, a fake one, an unhappy one. It’s truthfully the last thing Chongyun will ever wish to see, the sadness behind it now startling even the last of his brain cells awake. It leaves him dumbstruck and confused, his mind awfully empty, the only thought ringing through it being that Xingqiu had been crying. He’d been trying to hide his crying. From me. Has this happened before? How did I not notice?
Panic makes him shuffle closer to his friend, his eyes flitting from the other’s face across his chest and arms, trying to figure out if Xingqiu had injured himself in some kind of way, but nothing. “What happened?” he asks, his voice a panicked whisper and Xingqiu blinks a few times before averting his gaze.
“Ah, do not fret it’s u-uhm…”
It’s awfully quiet then, the silence successfully nagging at every part of Chongyun. He wants to say something, anything, but can’t think of a single word to say.
Suddenly his gaze snaps back towards the exorcist, his brows knitted tightly together while his teeth gnaw on his lower lip. “I was reading! It was truthfully embarrassing to admit which is why- But I’ve been reading and,” Xingqiu shifts slightly before taking the exorcist’s hands in his own and squeezing lightly, his eyes sparkling up at Chongyun, “I’ve come to read the most heartbreaking sequence in my entire life! It struck me to my core, my poor heart entirely unprepared for such writing! But oh it was truthfully a phenomenal piece of work, I just-“
“Xingqiu, are you lying?”
He’s not sure where exactly the question came from, but something seemed off, seemed wrong, and the feeling wouldn’t leave no matter how long Xingqiu kept rambling.
Xingqiu pulls back as if burnt, his eyes widening momentarily before narrowing slightly. He chuckles as he averts his gaze, the sound anything but cheerful. “Ah… you’re so silly ‘Yun.”
That’s not an answer.
“Hmm oh you see, my father asked for my attendance so I’ll unfortunately have to leave soon as it’s rather urgent. I can’t believe I forgot! Oh these romance novels must be getting to my head,” he laughs again, the sound hollow and sharp, causing goosebumps to spread over the exorcist’s skin. This all felt so wrong, everything about this entire situation did, but all Chongyun can do is watch as Xingqiu gets out of bed and opens the door to the adjoined room.
“I shall go dress now, I’m sure we’ll see eachother again soon. I apologise for the haste, I- No, nevermind.” And with that he suddenly shuts the door behind him, leaving the exorcist alone and confused.
What just happened?
•
While trying to gather his thoughts as much as he could, he’d waited. Xingqiu never returned though, even when the morning sun ended up standing at its highest point.
Nobody had entered his friend’s room once, something the exorcist isn’t sure whether to be grateful for or not. During his hours of fruitless waiting he’d resulted in picking up the book closest to Xingqiu’s bed, the one he’d allegedly been reading.
When Chongyun had skimmed through the pages where the bookmark had been buried, the realisation that Xingqiu had indeed been lying earlier came with little to no surprise, only accompanied by dread and the growing feeling of misery and guilt.
Why did he lie to me?
As Chongyun’s eyes blink open to take in the tinted sky he finds that his waiting had been entirely useless if anything, and it’s only when he gets up and has to lean against the nearest wall that the realisation of him having consumed little to no food nor liquid comes rushing to him. He shakes his head, reminding himself that there should only be one thought occupying his mind and that entailed finding Xingqiu as soon as possible.
When he opens the door a few servants to stop to look at him with a mixture of curiosity and distrust on their faces, but the exorcist pays them no mind as he ascends the nearest staircase and stops to listen. Nothing. He clenched his fists and rushes downstairs, the confirmation that Xingqiu had indeed lied to him starting to make the exorcist feel like an utter fool. He should’ve known, had known in some kind of way, and still he hadn’t said another word.
The awareness makes him worry though, more than he’d already been. What else had Xingqiu lied about?
Chongyun admittedly has no idea how he even manages to get outside without stumbling or falling, but when his footsteps quicken in a frantic search for his friend does the lack of exercise and any sort of food or liquid catch up to him. Black spots begin to occupy his vision and the last thing he sees before everything fades to black is the sight of something red moving towards him.
“Hey hey exorcist! The pavement is no place to take a nap!” He cranes his head with a groan, only to find…
“H-Hu Tao..?”
“The one and only indeed! For real though, what is it that you’re doing? You were all frantic and woozy, staggering around as if possessed! Quite ironic given the-“
“A-Alright, listen I don’t have the time for this.” He really doesn’t and Hu Tao’s ramblings wouldn’t succeed in improving his situation in any kind of way. He gets up hastily from where he’s perched on the ground, likely not the wisest decision if his blurry vision and growing headache are anything to go by.
“Woah, woah okay okay! Hmmm you do look pretty bad though, perhaps we should get you a proper meal first?”
He hates to admit it but perhaps the funeral parlour director was right, it was more than obvious that he’d be unable to talk to Xingqiu properly in his current state. “Alright, here drink this first though.”
Normally he’d question the kind of liquid anyone would offer him, especially if that someone ended up being Hu Tao, but he really can’t bring himself to care right now. Chongyun gulps down the water (thank the seven) eagerly, earning himself a chuckle from the girl next to him.
He hands her the empty bottle and tries offering her a (hopefully) thankful looking smile, earning him an exaggerated wink in response. “Then let’s be off!”
She doesn’t say anything on their walk and neither does the exorcist, but when the funeral parlour director makes an unexpected turn Chongyun stops and frowns at her. “That’s not the way to Wanmin.”
“Hmmmm? Ohhh, yeah it is! You see, it’s a special way!” Her eyes sparkle as she whispers it loud enough for Chongyun to hear, and the exorcist can’t help but deepen his frown at the remark. “We both know that taking the stairs and path behind Dongsheng and his goods will merely serve in making our way longer… This isn’t a special way, you’re just doing this to scare Xiangling aren’t you?” He sighs as he utters his question, the answer to it admittedly already more than obvious. He was talking about Hu Tao after all.
She giggles at him before replying. “She’s just so easy to scare! A little “boo” and she gets all jumpy. Oh exorcist you will see, this will be absolutely hilarious!”
Chongyun doesn’t have the willpower to reply and deep down he knows objecting with whatever Hu Tao has planned will end up fruitless anyway. He silently shakes his head in reply and continues trailing behind her. Admittedly his thoughts are already completely elsewhere, precisely on the situation he had with Xingqiu this morning. He knows his friend had been lying to him, about the book and about his father returning from his trip. The later’s office had been empty and the book nowhere close to a tragic moment. The thought hurts, a sign that Xingqiu was hiding something from Chongyun, something he apparently couldn’t trust the other with.
“If they aren’t I won’t know what to do my dear Chongyun. I’ve been trying to figure this out but it truly has been harder than initially anticipated… I just- I just wish for you to remain by my side, even if it’s not the way I-“
Where Xingqiu’s words from back then somehow connected to this? Should he have paid more attention, perhaps mentioned the entire situation somehow? Deep down Chongyun knows he should’ve, but he’d admittedly been a coward. A coward entirely swayed by the pure bliss of having Xingqiu so close to him and spending this much time with him, of being able to experience something he knows will never-
His thoughts reel to a halt when he all but stumbles into Hu Tao’s back, a complain already on his lips when she suddenly cuts him off. “Is that master Xingqiu?”
The seemingly innocent question makes his entire body go rigid, his eyes drifting to the two people standing close to the fir crates behind Wanmin restaurant almost automatically. What is he doing here?
Chongyun can’t bring himself to move and seemingly neither can Hu Tao, both of them practically glued to the ground a few metres away. It’s surprising that neither of them have noticed them so far, and Chongyun knows he should notify them of their presence. He knows and still can’t bring himself to move a muscle, especially when Xingqiu raises his voice again and causes Chongyun’s entire world to reel to a stop.
“Xiangling, how do you fall out of love?”
Fall… out of love? Was Xingqiu in love with someone? Was that why he reacted the way he did? Did he feel guilty about it?
It’s now more than ever that he should make his presence known, this conversation clearly something he was never intended to witness. Still he can’t move, his mind screaming for answers, for more information, a proper explanation for everything, a reason for why Xingqiu would ask such a question.
“I truthfully can’t handle this anymore, I thought- I thought that if I read and listen to what novels in this expertise had to say it would eventually lead me to my goal but- None of it did! While it did make things easier at first, the reminder of the truth just… I just simply wish to not feel like this anymore, I wish to be around Chongyun without feeling this stabbing pain in my chest, without constantly wishing for something I know I cannot have, so archons, if even these books can’t seem to help me, I just wish to know from you…
”How do I fall out of love with Chongyun?”
With…
Fall out of love with him?