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It’s natural to have the desire to save someone you care about. Though, it’s annoying when someone feels the need to save, or worse, ‘fix’ you because they want to rescue everyone, like some sort of god. Despite these statements, Yoichi couldn’t put a finger on why he was about to tell Natsumi about his past. Either way, it was too late to back out now. Inhale. Exhale.
“I’ve never met my father, and my mother hated my guts,” he gritted the words out through clenched teeth. It still hurt for some reason, despite it being so long ago. “Hit me and everything, y’know. ‘Cause I looked like him so much, and she just… hated that.”
“Yoichi...” came Natsumi’s concerned voice. A warm hand placed itself on top of Yoichi’s fist—wait, he doesn’t remember forming fists. With a shaky breath, he managed to relax and hold Natsumi’s hand.
Yoichi let out a wry laugh before continuing. “And despite that—despite everything, I still saw her as my mother. And she saw me as some kind of… thing. Whatever she saw, it sure as hell wasn’t her son.” He felt Natsumi squeeze his hand gently, giving him the push he needed to finish. “One day she finally decided she had enough of me, I guess. You know how it goes from here,” he ended the retelling with a wave of his free hand, trying to appear apathetic to it all.
He should’ve known that Natsumi knew better, because if he had to look at the expression on Natsumi’s face any longer, he’d probably start tearing up. Therefore, he looked towards the inky expanse above them, stars by the millions twinkling within it. Hey, there was that constellation Natsumi was telling him about earlier—
“Yoichi...” Natsumi’s soft voice pulled him out of his head, and now he had no choice but to give his boyfriend his attention. “Thank you for sharing that with me, I know it must’ve been difficult for you—”
“Ah, can it Mr. Perfect.” He shot him a crooked grin. “It was long overdue anyway, or whatever.” Lacing their fingers together, he tried to think of a topic to switch to before they started going down that path. “How’s your fundraising thing going?”
He caught a glimpse of Natsumi’s brows furrowing, but they quickly smooth out as he appeared to think about the day’s activities. “Oh, it’s… going.”
The response drew a snort from Yoichi. “Just going?”
“Oh, well...” Natsumi’s eyes darted back and forth as he stammered. “I-It’s coming along, yeah.”
“Cut the bullshit, Natsumi.” Despite the harsh words, Yoichi’s tone was anything but. “I know something’s bothering you. What is it?”
A beat of silence. “My brother.” He doesn’t meet Yoichi’s inquiring gaze.
“What about Coach?” He felt like he was opening Pandora’s box, but if Natsumi could listen to him, then he could at least do the same.
“After he joined, things have been coming along smoothly. For the most part.” Natsumi was rambling, and it looked like he wasn’t going to stop. “But my scenes were never good enough for him. We had to keep retaking them, which made filming drag on longer. I felt like I was burdening everyone with my...” He gritted his teeth. “... incompetence . I pale in comparison to him and his wealth of knowledge, his breadth of experience, his level of charisma...”
Natsumi was gripping Yoichi’s hand tightly now. “He’s perfect… He’s so perfect. I thought that, at least, by coming here, I could escape his shadow.” Exhale. It was shaky. “He just has to take camp away from me too.”
Yoichi’s brows knit. A brothers’ conflict, huh. He wasn’t really expecting it with how positively Natsumi spoke about his older brother. He didn't know what to do, nor what to say in this case given his zero experience with the matter. Gah—thinking about this for too long was stupid!
“In that case, fuck your brother!” The exclamation made Natsumi jolt. Yoichi continued nonetheless. “Just be your own person, no one can take that away from you.”
“I wish other people would see it that way too, Yoichi.” God, he hated that dead, withdrawn look in Natsumi’s face. “But they don’t.”
Shit—did he fuck up? No, no Natsumi was just going into his head and spiraling. Right. That’s what was up. But what does he do? Think faster…!!!
A sharp gasp broke his train of thought. “Oh no, Yoichi, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to burden you with my problems, especially after you just told me about your past—”
Natsumi didn’t get to finish his apology as Yoichi pulled him into his arms, embracing him as tight as he could. “You know it’s okay to be selfish sometimes, right?”
Suddenly his uniform began to feel a little damp. Through the sobs, he can hear his name being whimpered.
If only he was god, maybe he could fix this.
.
.
.
Life was so cruel at times. There was nothing you could do but roll with the punches, but what if you were tired of getting punched? Yoichi just wanted to lie down and sleep for a very, very long time. He might be okay with not waking up—
He heard the wet grass squelch under footsteps approaching him. There could only be one person who would come after him, after everything that happened.
"Hey." It was Natsumi's voice, as expected. A towel was wrapped around his shoulders, and he held it close to his body. Another towel was draped over his soaking hair, and light tussles began to dry it.
Yoichi remained mostly silent and unmoving, bar one grunt he made acknowledging his boyfriend's presence. He didn't even realize how soaked he was until a breeze whistled by. Actually, he couldn't feel much of anything at the moment. Even Natsumi's warmth, which was usually at the forefront, felt so far away.
They sat in silence for a while, Natsumi focusing on drying Yoichi's hair as much as he could. Once he deemed it dry enough, he set the towel aside and took his place besides Yoichi.
"Life without her is… It's impossible to even think about," he muttered, finally breaking the silence.
Familiar arms wrapped themselves around him in a tender hold. "She's always watching over you." Natsumi leaned his head against Yoichi as he drew him closer. "You're not alone, Yoichi. Not anymore."
Damn it, he really loved Natsumi. It's all he was able to think about as he finally broke down in tears. Life without Yuki would be hard, but with Natsumi and the pups, things might be alright after all.
Despite their flaws, lack of experience and knowledge, they kept trying their best for each other. Neither of them were god, nor could they ever become one. All they could be was themselves.
And that was enough.