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Katsuki couldn't remember when he first started to avoid food or when he began emptying his stomach of its contents after he ate. Maybe it was when his mom pointed out that all the food he was eating went straight to his hips, making an hourglass body fit for a model. Or maybe it was around the age of 11 when he noticed his chest growing, hoping the decrease of his caloric intake would, at the very least, slow the growth.
By the time he was a teenager and beginning his freshman year, it was almost routine for Katsuki to pick himself apart in the mirror, always taking mental note of what needed to be fixed. He dragged his fingers across his stomach and pinched at the parts of his stomach that seemed to hold more fat, wanting his caved-in stomach to be smaller. He slid his hands further down his waist until it met hips, still too wide and holding too much fat to be considered masculine in his mind. His eyes shifted up to his chest, berating himself for not having a naturally flat chest like his male peers.
Watering eyes blurred Katsuki's vision the longer he stared at himself in the mirror. I gained today. Why would anyone like me if I can't even fucking lose weight? I'm unlovable. Has Ei noticed I've gotten bigger? Does he still love me? Did he even love me in the first place or is it just a ruse? Katsuki's mind was filled with destructive thoughts, repeating even when he silently begged his mind to stop. Without realizing it, tears streamed down Katsuki's face as he began to bawl. Not having enough energy to even get to his bed from the sudden outburst, he tried to muffle his sobs into his shoulder as he slid to the floor and passed out from exhaustion soon after.
Katsuki woke up to the sound of banging on his door, hearing multiple faint voices in the background. He chose to ignore the incessant noise knowingly caused by his friends and boyfriend. He already had enough voices in his head to deal with- he did not need 4 more.
Only slightly annoyed at the sound of his door opening, he continued to lay on the floor staring at the ceiling. Questions sent his way were rejected with an eye roll and gave some shitty excuse along the lines of "I have a headache" to get his classmates out of his room. Successfully getting all but one out, hearing fleeting "bye!"s and "get better!"s, Katsuki noticed Eijirou was eyeing him with a serious face.
"Like what you see, loverboy?", Katsuki teased, gazing at Eijirou from the corner of his eye.
"Honestly? Not really. I'm worried about you Kats." Eijirou had noticed his boyfriend's odd behavior for a while, anxiety and worry growing for him more and more as the days passed.
Katsuki scoffed, "There's nothing to worry about Ei."
"You think I don't notice?" Silent alarms went off in Katsuki's head.
"There's nothing to worry about. I told you I'm fine."
"Like hell you're fine. You think I don't notice the excessive exercise a-and the fact that you avoid food like it's the fucking plague?"
Fuck. Katsuki feigned confidence, "So what? I have everything under control." He positioned his body to be facing away from Eijirou.
"Do you really? Is the obsessive calorie counting and throwing up and constantly not eating what you really call 'under control'?"
"You don't know a goddamn thing Ei. You don't understand." The defensiveness in Katsuki's voice worried Eijirou.
"Kats..." Eijirou whispered, his voice much quieter than previously, "Kats, you're so small now." Despite the sadness in Eijirou's voice, Katuski couldn't help but feel euphoric at the words. Too caught up in his own happiness, he failed to hear the footsteps of Eijirou approaching him.
"What is this about Katsuki?" Eijirou spoke as he placed a gentle hand on the blonde's shoulder. "And don't give me some bullshit excuse that you're not hungry or you eat when you're alone. We both know that's a fucking lie."
"I told you. It's fucking nothing", Katsuki mumbled.
"Kats, look at me. Kats- Katsuki, you gotta look at me. Please."
Katsuki curled in on himself, slightly shifting Eijirou's hand in the process, now becoming hyper-aware of the fact he had had nothing but a binder on the whole time. He silently winced as the dull ache from wearing his binder for 18 hours without a break set into his ribs.
With Eijirou's head now resting on the back of his hand, he could clearly hear Katsuki's whispered "why?"
Responding just as quietly, Eijirou questioned, "Why what Kats?"
"Nothin'. Sorry."
"Tell me 'Suki. If I didn't want to hear what you had to say, I would have left already."
"You could have someone better than me 's all."
"I- Kats, why would you ever think that? You're one of the best things to ever happen to me."
"Stop lying. You don't have to lie just because you don't want to hurt my feelings. I can take it." Katsuki's voice came out more shaky than he had intended, throat feeling like it was tightening.
Eijirou immediately shot up and sat in front of Katsuki, giving him a perfect view of his boyfriend's face that had insecurity and sadness written all over it. "Look at me baby", Eijirou hummed as he tilted Katsuki's face towards his own. The tear-filled eyes looking at his own broke Eijirou's heart. "Tell me what this is about please?"
A heavy silence filled the room as Katsuki's eyes shifted to the floor, only broken when Katsuki took a breath and spoke. "I- fuck, how do I say this?"
"Hey, it's okay. There's no rush, take all the time you need. I'll wait as long as it takes." The soft look in Eijirou's eyes comforted Katsuki as he built up the courage to speak again.
Still laying down but now uncurled and looking at the ceiling, Katsuki fiddled with his fingers as words spilled out of his mouth. "I feel like I'm not enough. I have one of the best quirks in the class and my grades are 3rd overall but it's not anywhere near where my expectations are. My body is in great shape, or at least that's what everyone says, but the things I had to do to get it... all of the work I put into maintaining was- is painful." Insecurity plagued Katsuki's voice the more he opened up. "I can hardly get down a meal, and that's on a good day. My binder doesn't make my chest anywhere near as flat as yours, or anyone else's for that matter, and every time I look at you I'm overcome with so much dysphoria my stomach drops and I feel like I'm suffocating. I put so much effort into everything I do and it's never enough."
"Is that really what you think?", Eijirou questioned as his voice cracked. Katsuki's eyes filled with shame as he gave a soft nod. "Katsuki Bakugou, I need you to look at me when I tell you this." And so he did. "I have never once thought you to be anything less than my entire world. I wouldn't give a single shit if your grades dropped to the bottom of the class or you put on weight. What I do care about is the fact that you are hurting someone I love and I can't do anything about it."
Disbelief was the only emotion Eijirou could read as he scanned over Katsuki's face. Eijirou slowly coaxed Katsuki into his lap, thighs around his waist and blonde hair tickling the crook of his neck. As soon as he was settled, Katsuki let out a sob so heartbreaking Eijirou had to physically restrain himself from gripping the other even tighter. Eijioru let Katsuki cry for what could have been minutes or hours, not once shushing him, only letting out whispered assurances.
As Katsuki's breath slowed and the last few tears escaped bloodshot eyes, Eijirou spoke so softly that only Katsuki could hear the words muttered. "I can't imagine the pain you are going through and have gone through by yourself but I'm here now. I'll be there every step of the way when you need me. This isn't going to be easy to get through and it's not something that can be fixed overnight, but as long as you're willing to help yourself and get better, I'll be right there."
Katsuki lifted his head up and kissed Eijirou's forehead, then his lips, almost as if it was a silent thank you. He pulled back and stared into the redhead's eyes. "I love you too."