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For days now Shouto has been trying to figure out how to process the news of his father’s death. The first day after he heard the news he had pretty much just stayed in bed all day. He was sad, he was mad, he was relieved and it was all too much and he had been so drained, that he couldn’t make himself do much of anything. On that day he was grateful to have Izuku and Tenya. They had given him the space he needed, but they were also there for him when he needed them. They held him as he cried, they made sure that he was eating and staying hydrated, and basically just did everything they could for him.
The second day the anger came. He woke up and was filled with rage. Everything felt so warm and hot and overwhelming that he thought that he accidentally activated his quirk. But he hadn’t, he just had so much anger inside him that it was unbearable. He was mad at what his father had done to him, mad at why he created him, mad at the abuse, mad at the fact that he had such a fucked up childhood. He was mad that his father had been so awful to him that it gave him disorders that would permanently affect almost everything he did, and every decision he made for the rest of his life. Then he was mad that his father was gone. He was mad that he never really got to tell his dad off like he wanted to. He was also just mad that his dad was gone. Yes, his dad was awful, Shouto would even say that he hated the man. But he was his dad. It was so confusing. Most people he knew had good dads, that were caring and loved their child. And his dad had died before he even thought about trying to be a good person and father.
On that day, Shouto was very snappy. He tried to hold back his anger and not to take it out on his partners. But that evening he snapped when Izuku accidentally broke one of his favorite mugs. Izuku immediately started apologizing and told Shouto that he would buy him a new one. Shouto knew now he SHOULD have forgiven Izuku and not have gotten mad. But after a whole day of pushing down his anger and having those feelings bubble up, he just started yelling at him. After that anger melted away he saw the look on Izuku’s face. He could tell he was about to cry. Then he looked over to Tenya, who had walked into the kitchen looking at them with what appeared to be a mix of shock and confusion, he seemed conflicted on how to handle the situation.
Shouto knew at that moment that he had been in the wrong for sure. Shouto started to apologize profusely, before breaking down into tears. He explained how he had been feeling all day, and how sorry he was for taking it out on Izuku. Izuku ended up hugging him, saying that he accepted his apology and that he understood that emotions were just hard to manage sometimes. Tenya eventually joined in on the hug and Shouto thanked the universe for letting him end up with these two wonderful people.
The third day he got out of bed, and nothing felt right. He felt so distant from everything around him. He had somehow made it out to the couch where he spent the day going in and out of disassociative episodes. In between the episodes, he would reflect a bit and try to process things. But the more he tried to process things, he would think about the past. Which would send him back into another dissociative episode or even flashbacks. Again his partners were super understanding. They let him talk about things as he processed them, and they also did what they had done on the first day and made sure he was taking care of himself.
Which lead them to today. Shouto had woken up feeling more like his normal self than he had yesterday, but something still felt off. He felt a bit panicked and just really uncomfortable with everything. He felt like he had to do something. He thought maybe he needed to change something but he didn’t know what.
He felt like if he didn’t make some change he would stay like this forever. Having bad days, after bad days, and never moving on from all the weird, conflicting emotions, that fought within him. He NEEDED to do something.
He had spent the morning with his partners. They had just been doing their everyday things. Tenya sat on the left of the couch as he read a book with his arm flung over Shouto’s shoulder. Shouto was trying to mindlessly scroll through social media, trying to do anything to take his mind off things and occasionally petting Chibi who had parked herself on the armrest near him. Izuku laid across them, doing something on his laptop that was rested on his chest.
Normally this kind of thing would make Shouto happy. He loved the domesticity of it all. He also really loved being close to his partners. But right now it just wasn’t right. Izuku and Tenya’s touches made him feel a bit suffocated, and the couch felt scratchy. Even the wetness of Chibi’s nose against his hand was too much. He just needed to get up and get away.
Then after that, they all sat down and ate lunch together and he felt that pit in his stomach come back. It was bad, Terrible even. He needed to do something to make it stop. He pushed his food away and gave an apologizing look to Tenya, who had spent his time making it, before he made his way back to their bedroom.
And that is how his partners found him, frantically digging through his clothes as tears rolled down his cheeks. He felt like he needed to get rid of all of them and buy himself an entirely new wardrobe. The person who had worn the clothes before wasn’t him anymore. He was still shackled to his father then, just by the fact that his father was still alive. Now it was different, now he was free, and he needed to change things to feel like that person.
But he liked his clothes. They were comfy and smelled like their apartment. They also were also the perfect texture. The only texture that didn’t make him feel like he needed to claw out of his skin.
But he needed change.
He needed it.
He angrily made a noise and threw the clothes that were in his hands onto the ground and accidentally knocked down something off the shelf of the closet, causing a small crashing sound. Which must have been what made his partners both rush into the room to check on him.
“Shou, hey what’s wrong”, Izuku asked, when he entered the doorway, as Tenya followed behind him.
“I-I-It’s not right”, He struggled to get out, “Somethings not right. I n-need to change something. I-I c-can’t be stuck like this forever! I can’t!”, he said as leaned against Tenya’s chest, who had moved so he was right next to Shouto. Tenya quickly wrapped his arms around him and rubbed his back, soothingly.
“Shou”, Izuku started but didn’t know exactly what to say. Shouto had moments like this every now and then. When he felt like he needed to change everything in his life suddenly, but they didn’t happen that often, and Izuku never knew exactly what to say to help, “Okay, before we suddenly change everything why don’t we think about it for a little bit, yeah? Let’s just talk about things and let’s see what we can do to make you feel better now?”
Shouto agreed, nodding into Tenya’s chest. He talked to them about everything and tried to figure out what he could do to make things better. But nothing made him feel better. He needed to change something. To FEEL different. He just couldn’t figure out what.
Until now..
He looked at his reflection in the mirror, tears still rolled down his cheeks, but he tried to quiet any sobs that came out. He gently touched the ends of the red side of his hair. He had spent so long growing his hair out. It had been a freeing experience, something he finally felt like he could do. Something that helped him accept his identity as a nonbinary person. It made him happy, and it made him feel more like himself. So maybe that’s how what he was about to do would make him feel.
He grabbed the clippers that they had from that one time when Tenya had tried to shape up his undercut by himself…. that hadn’t ended well. He turned on the device and brought it up to the left side of his head. He had seen people with side shaves before, and they always looked cool, but Shouto was a little afraid he would look like an idiot. But this wasn’t even about looks.
The red side of his hair always reminded him of his father. Yes, he accepted that his fire side wasn’t his dad’s it was his. But the features still made Shouto feel uncomfortable at times. Getting rid of this would be getting rid of one of those features.
He ran his hand through the red side of his hair one more time. He was scared he was going to regret this. He loved his long hair, but at least he would still keep his right side long. He would still have that to hold on to.
He brought the clippers up his head and did it. He shaved a few strands out. The clippers made a sound as it struggled to push through the long locks. Maybe he should have cut it first, but he didn’t really think the process through. But thankfully his hair had always been on the thin side, and eventually, it made its way through.
Eventually he had shaved the whole left side of his head. He looked back in the mirror. It looked good. He at least thought it looked good. This is what he needed. But he still couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down his face. which did make a bit of sense to him. The past few days have been a lot on him emotionally.
He ran his hand over the red fuzz that covered the left side of his head. What would Izuku and Tenya think? Would they think he looked bad? Or judge him for being too impulsive. No, they had never been like that. Even if they didn’t like the way it looked it didn’t matter to them. It was what he wanted so they would be supportive. But he was still scared to show them.
He left the bathroom, as a few tears still made their way out of his eyes.
“Tenya? Izuku?”, he called out.
“We are in the living room”, he heard Tenya say.
He made his way in there and saw Izuku sitting on the floor as he looked at his phone. He was stimming by rocking back and forth and flapping one hand. And Tenya was looking for something on their bookshelf. Neither of them turned around to face him as he entered.
“I-I did something”, his voice cracked a bit as he said it.
Izuku and Tenya both turned to look at him quickly, both of them had concerned looks on their faces, which Shouto understood. He did sort of have a track record of self destructive behaviors.
They both looked a bit relieved but still about shocked when they turned around and saw him.
“Oh”, Tenya said, he started to say something else but stopped.
That didn’t seem like a good sign.
“Shou, do you like it.. I mean.. you’re crying..” Izuku said as he started to stand up.
Shouto nodded, “yeah.. yeah I like it”, he said as he shed a few more tears.
“Then so do I”, Tenya said with a small smile.
Izuku walked over to Shouto and wiped away a few of his tears and kissed him before wrapping his arms around him. “I know the past few days have been hard, and I know this has all been a lot to process, so I’m glad you found something that made you feel at least a little better”.
“So you don’t hate it”, Shouto said as melted into Izuku’s embrace.
“Shouto”, Tenya spoke up before he made his way over to them, “anything that helps you feel more comfortable and helps you deal with your emotions in a healthy way, is going to be something we support”. He then joined them in their hug.
And for the first time in a few days, Shouto didn’t feel so stuck, like he might be able to start figuring all of these dumb emotions out. And figure out how to keep going from here.