Chapter Text
It was one thing to take a non-stop van ride, with all of Gavin’s earthly possessions bulging out of the back, from Detroit to Brooklyn on a Sunday, and it was another thing to have his boyfriend bow out the night before. But it was another thing entirely, the metaphorical straw that broke the camel’s back, to have to crawl out of bed with four hours sleep, and make it to the first day at his new job on time.
It wouldn’t have been so bad, at least that’s what he told himself, if Nines, his boyfriend and caregiver, had been there with him. No one but him knew that he was a little. Literally no one, which was really not quite legal, not that Gavin cared. He was just one cop. And Littles were Not allowed to be cops. So there really was no way that Gavin would give up his lifelong dream for something as stupid as his designation. Even if all he wanted was to crawl into his jacket and hide.
Gavin filed into the bleak meeting room for the morning briefing and the customary “welcome” of a new officer that was doubtlessly being hurtled his way whether he liked it or not. After spending the last decade of his career cooped up in Detroit, he had had no idea just how awful starting over would feel until he stepped into the room. The feeling was all wrong; it looked like the Rookies, all flustered and nervous like it was their first day, hung out at the back left of the room, alongside the water bubbler. Meanwhile the un-uniformed detectives gravitated towards the front. And even with the chatter of Detectives going on about their weekend and swapping stories, it just didn’t feel like home.
Gavin tugged his jacket tighter to himself and scanned for a place to sit. The front would put him directly in the line of fire of everyone’s inquiries, but it would also show that he was a dedicated worker. The back would be safer, but he’d stick out like a sore thumb and the new Captain probably wouldn’t even see him. Plus it would be unbearably awkward if they all had to turn around and look at him.
He spent too long deciding, and ended up sandwiched in the middle of a short guy who was way too talkative, with the little patch on his sleeve that designated him as a caregiver, and a taller, stone faced woman. Her eyes flicked to him as he sat down, but shorty didn’t break their conversation.
Gavin was maybe ready to scream, or at least stomp his feet and totally not throw a tantrum at all the noise that only compounded the horrific lack of coffee (totally not his fault, considering he hadn’t had enough time to figure out wherever they kept the coffee maker in this damn place), when the captain stepped into the room.
He was tall, and broad, and had a frown on his face. Fucking perfect. He looked like the picture of a hardass. Gavin almost snorted when he saw the same little caregiver patch on his sleeve. This guy looked nothing like the typical “hugs and cuddles” thing that most caregivers had going on. Gavin crossed his arms and sat up straighter in his seat as the man cleared his throat.
“We are gathered here today to welcome a new transfer into the force. Gavin Reed, will you please stand up? Or at least, raise your hand and show some enthusiasm.” He had a hint of exhaustion to his voice. Gavin opted for raising his hand awkwardly. He tried not to squirm as all eyes shifted to him. Today was just Not the day for being perceived; he had left his binder out to dry after nine sweltering hours of travel last night, so he only had his favorite sports bra, plus his zipped up coat, to keep anyone from noticing anything about his chest. He let out a breath of relief when the eyes left him a moment later.
“Now, does anyone have an open desk-”
“I do!” Shorty jerked his hand up and waved it around. He had a near manic expression as he looked at Gavin. A second hand shot up, less enthusiastic than the first, just a mo2ment later.
“There’s one right by me, Captain.” The guy, some clean shaven twink, said before winking at Gavin. Gavin suppressed a shudder. He knew those types all too well back at his old precinct; neutral designations, cis bullies, lashing out because he didn’t quite fit in how they expected. They expected every man to brown nose and cowtow down to them, or even return the snide remarks they made, about gay or trans people, or even Littles.
Shorty made a grimace and rescinded his hand. “Alright Jakey, that seems fair. You can get em this time.” Gavin made a mental note about their relationship. Mostly, how fucking weird it was.
Gavin had to stand out from them, while still blending in. He couldn’t afford to be the stubborn nail that got hammered straight back down. Even if sometimes, that was all he wanted. He leaned back in his seat and put on his best “don’t fuck with me, I don’t give a shit” expression before fastening his eyes back on the captain.
The Captain blinked. “Alright, then. Reed can pick whichever desk he desires. Well, as long as it is unoccupied.” He amended. He seemed slightly confused when a few people chuckled at the addition. “Meeting dismissed.”
That couldn’t have been longer, Gavin thought, standing up from his seat and smoothing out his jacket. He could still feel a few stray eyes on him, but he tried to brush them off. If he played it right, he could be the cool and aloof new hire, who was totally above the rest of them.
“Hey buddy, right this way to the Jake Zone.” Jake slapped his back as he walked by, and Gavin jolted. Totally uncool.
“Uhh… ok.” Gavin grunted, crossing his arms back over his chest.
“Hey, you kind of look like Rosa when you do that. Y’know, with the jacket and everything.” Jake laughed. He didn’t seem too intent on getting back to their now shared desk. Gavin wondered if he would have had a better time with Shorty.
“Rosa?” He didn’t like being compared to a girl, even though he was almost certain Jake hadn’t meant it in That Way.
“She’s the big scary girl in the jacket. Kind of like you. Except you’re a dude, of course, and I’m guessing…” Jake drummed his fingers and did something with his eyebrows that Gavin wasn’t sure what emotion it was trying to inspire. “Are secretly a Total sweetheart.”
“If you don’t take me to my desk now I'm going with that other guy.” It was an empty threat, of course; even the most patronizing Neutral was much easier to deal with in close quarters than any Caregiver. There was something about Caregivers giving him close attention that always made Gavin just a bit Little, even if he hated to admit it. He would rather be annoyed by the idiot standing before him.
“But you’re not, aaaaaaaand, the Jake train is now leaving the station. So hop aboard.” He slapped his own ass for emphasis.
It turned out it wouldn’t have mattered if Gavin had actually made good on his threat; the short guy, Charles, was only a few seats away from them. And he did not let the distance between them interfere with his ability to talk to them.
“You know, why don’t we get some ‘za (that's what the kids are calling it these days) for lunch? I know The best pizza place in town, and we could all get different slices and try out cool flavors! Like goat cheese and anchovies.”
Gavin shuddered, and Jake shot him the same look. Maybe sitting next to Jake wouldn't be so bad, Gavin thought.
“Well… then we can order in some ‘za, or maybe some ‘zones (that's the new slang for calzones, by the way) and have a little tasting party in the stashe. (That’s slang for-”
“I know what it means.” Gavin cut in. His fingers twitched with a newfound nervous energy, and he was glad that there wasn’t anything important in front of him that he could accidentally tear up.
“But how? Imean,” Charles leaned back and put his hands on his hips, which made him look even smaller in comparison to Gavin. “I did just coin it.”
“Are you stealing ideas from Charles, Gavin?” Jake said deadpanned, save for the tiny quirk of a grin on his face. Obviously, he was being sarcastic. But somehow, Charles didn’t get the memo.
“Stealing from me?? After we’ve just met, Gavin-”
“Just call me Reed.”
“Reed, that’s cold.” Charles drew back up to his full height, and almost pouted down at Gavin. Gavin winced at seeing that expression on a grown man (who wasn’t a Little)’s face. “I’m ashamed of you. I want you to apologize.” Besides him, Jake looked like he was having the time of his life.
‘Shit’, Gavin thought. He could already feel red leaching into his cheeks. And something squirming around in his gut. Charles was a Caregiver, and he was using his Caregiving voice on him. All Gavin wanted was to hang his head and shuffle his feet as he mumbled out an apology. It wasn’t that he was ready to go into Littlespace at the drop of a hat (Well, maybe he was), but there was something about the way the man stared at him with those big, disappointed eyes, Caregiver eyes, that made Gavin waver. It was really unfair for him to break out the Caregiver tone on him, even if Gavin knew that if he was Neutral like he claimed to be, it wouldn’t have an effect.
“Your silence is Damning.” Jake said sternly.
“I’m not apologizing to an idiot.” Gavin snarled, swiveling his chair so his computer directly blocked Charles’s face. It was going to be a long first day, he thought.
From the corner of his eye, Gavin watched Charles shift and squirm on his seat, like he was preparing himself to march over to Gavin and make him apologize. Gavin considered punching him in the face if that came to pass.
But he was met with blessed silence. Gavin put it to good use. As he prepared his new work station, he sent a text to Nines. Something quick and simple, just because he was starved for any normal human interaction. “Hey Daddy!!” Followed by a red smiling face and a few heart emojis.
“Baby.” Was the response, only a few minutes later. Gavin’s heart skipped a beat. He sounded off. Where were the ten thousand kisses from Daddy? And the promises to treat him like the little prince that Nines was always assuring him that he was?
Gavin sent back “Miss you already.” And then a cat blowing a kiss.
A surprised face, followed by more kisses, was Nines’ response. Good, Gavin thought.
“It’s hell here without you, Baby. I think even Fowler misses you. The station doesn’t feel right at all.”
Boy, did Gavin know the feeling. “It’s ok Daddy! We can see each other soon, right? I’m wide open this weekend.”
Nines took a bit longer to respond. “We’ll see, honeybee. Gotta go; Sergeant duties call” followed by a barfing face. Gavin giggled.
“What’s so funny, Gavin?” It seemed that Charles had already forgotten Gavin’s directions to buzz off, because he had craned his head around Gavin’s monitor to look at him.
Gavin jerked back, his back hitting the chair hard and almost tipping over. He only caught himself when his knees slammed into the underside of his deck. “The FUCK-” He yelped.
“Hey! Is there a problem over here?”
Somehow in his precarious position, Gavin froze. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Charles duck back to his desk.
The guy who was coming towards them looked like a human triangle. Well, a triangle that was addicted to the gym. The caregiver patch glinted on his arm. Oh shit, Gavin thought. Not another one.
“Sarge!” Charles squeaked.
“Boyle. And... “ Sarge’s eyes swept over Gavin. “Reed. Hey, bye the way. I’m Terry.” He stuck out his hand, and Gavin awkwardly pumped it twice.
“Gavin Reed.” Gavin replied, lowering himself into a proper seated position.
“Were these two bothering you?” Terry asked. Charles leaned back in his seat while Jake kept his eyes fastened on his screen.
Gavin swallowed and shook his head. It wouldn’t be smart to make enemies on his first day.
“Are you sure? I mean, you did scream pretty loudly. And,” Terry took on a friendly tone, the kind that the guys in the old office used when they were trying to be all buddy-buddy with each other. “I know how both Jake and Charles can be.”
In a cruel twist of fate, the thing that saved him from any further uncomfortable interactions was his new captain stepping out of his office and beckoning for him to come inside. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.
“I’ve gotta go.” Gavin said. He took approximately .02 seconds to save his latest files and make his way over to the office, which was apparently the equivalent of slaughtering the Captain’s entire family and burning down his family home in front of his eyes. Well, at least judging by the stone cold look on Holt’s face.
“You are not in trouble.”
Gavin sat up straighter in his chair. Why would the Captain think he thought that?
“So you can wipe that look of terror off of your face. This is only a simple meeting.”
“About what?” Gavin asked. He had opted to fold his hands and place them in his lap, which he was pretty sure looked at least a little respectful. As his eyes minutely scanned the Captain’s desk, they alighted on a rainbow flag in his cup of knicknacks. There was a very small chance that the rainbow flag was just for show, since he did know that a few of the more awkward cishets liked to show they were allies and “totally cool” with the flag, but the Captain hadn’t given off that vibe, even from the short time that Gavin had interacted with him.
When Gavin looked up, Holt’s eyes were right on him. “About your files. I noticed a discrepancy in them that I wanted to follow up on.”
The blood in Gavin’s veins froze solid. It took a second for him to remember that he needed to breathe, and another for him to remember how. His eyes had locked on the little flag, shifting mockingly on the desk in the breeze from the open window.
He couldn’t have figured it out, right? Gavin’s old records were locked tight; there was no way he knew about Gavin’s real designation. Unless he had done some serious digging. All Gavin wanted was to slide into the ground.
When Gavin dared to look back up again, Holt had slid into his seat so he was nearly eye level with Gavin. “I know things like this can be tough, especially in a precinct full of new people. I suppose you would wish to remain stealth? And I do apologize if anything I have done or said has gotten in the way of you remaining like that.”
Gavin blinked. He was pretty sure his mouth flopped open and closed like a fish, too. He hoped he didn’t look too stupid. Was the Captain covering for him being a Little? He really didn’t seem like the type who would do that. Unless…
“I know life for transgender people like yourself can be hard. As a cisgender gay man myself, I have had my fair share of abuse, but I know that it would pale in comparison to what you’ve been through. Well, racism excluded.”
“Uhh… yeah?” Gavin said.
“So. You go by Gavin now, correct? And use he/him pronouns? Your current file has that name, as well as an ‘M’, but your older records have a… different name on them, as well as a different gender marker.”
“Yeah, yeah that’s all fine.” Gavin was certainly not going to discuss which neopronouns he liked with the Captain. This was already existentially awkward enough. Not that Holt had done anything wrong, per se; Gavin was pretty sure the man had done everything right that he feasibly could have, considering he was cis himself. It was just always painfully awkward when Gavin had to be Perceived by a cis person. Inevitably, their perception of him changed.
“Alright. And I’ll see about having your old records changed, Gavin. I see no need for you having to have a repeat of this conversation later.” And then he gave Gavin something that he was pretty sure was supposed to be a smile. At least, his lips lifted up at the corners.
“Oh. That’s- that’s great, sir. I never thought something like that was possible.” His eyes crept down to study his hands again, like he could unlock the secrets of the universe there. Or at least how to make this sort of heartfelt meeting less awkward.
“Well, I believe I can make enough of a case so that it will happen.” Holt crossed his own hands on his desk, a sure sign that he was done talking. He made no verbal gesture for Gavin to leave.
“Uhh, thanks, Captain.” Gavin said. Unbidden, his foot tapped against the hard floor as he sort of stared off into space.
“No need to thank me. It is what any reasonable person would do.”
“I guess. Uhh, I’m free to go, right? That case you gave me needs to be worked on.”
“Yes, of course. And… make sure your new desk partner, Peralta, stays on task, too. I would hate for him to be distracted just because one new exhibit has been added to his enclosure.” Again, the not-quite-smile was back.
Gavin returned it. “Will do, Captain.”
“And, one more thing. Around your transfer, there were certain… rumors about fraternization. None of them substantiated, of course, and I will not be pressing the matter. I just want your word that you will only be focused on work here. Is that clear, Reed?”
Gavin gulped and nodded. He had thought he was safe from being reminded of that. “Will do, sir.” He said.
It was too long before Gavin finally stepped through the threshold and into his new apartment. He had moved in kind of a rush, seeing as the transfer was so sudden. Most of his things were still in storage, and probably would be for some time, considering the size of his apartment. He had thought his place in Detroit was a shithole, and now Gavin missed it more than anything. At least his cat was still here to greet him.
Raggedy Reed sauntered up to him with a soft yet somehow accusatory Meow right on her lips.
“Hey baby girl.” Gavin tried to purr back at her. Unfortunately, that mechanism wasn’t quite present in humans. He settled for tugging her onto his lap after he curled up on the bed.
He was still in his icky, yucky work clothes (which were apparently inappropriate without a tie), and he wanted to tug on the sleeves until they unraveled. Instead, he settled for stroking Raggedy’s soft tabby fur, and did what he was supposed to in these types of situations. Call Daddy.
Daddy picked up on only the second ring. “Hello, baby boy.” His voice was still so sweet and soothing, like the iced lemonade his Mom gave him whenever Gavin got back from the park at the height of summer.
“Hiii Daddy. M playing with Raggedy.” He wasn’t sure when he had started to slip, whether it was when he finally made it to his apartment, or when he was getting his coat on to leave, or even sometime during the hours of Charles and Jake chattering into his ears and messing with his emotions, but right now, Gavin had fallen. All he wanted was for Daddy to scoop him up into his arms and never let him go.
“That’s nice, baby!” Daddy chuckled. “Is she keeping you safe and out of trouble like I asked her to?”
Gavin giggled. He still remembered Daddy, crouched down from his full, intimidating height and looking Raggedy nearly in the eye as he wagged his finger at her and told her to keep “Daddy’s little prince” from harm. “Uh huh, Daddy. Bet she’d bite any of my stinky coworkers.” Maybe just Jake or Charles, Gavin amended. He didn’t know much about the rest of them, besides that Amy was a little too eager when she introduced herself to him, and Rosa was pretty quiet. And Holt was really nice, even if he was really really awkward.
“I bet she will.” He laughed.
“Wish you were here.” Gavin sniffed. “Then you could bite them for me.”
Daddy let out a small hum. “I know baby, I know. But it’s just like we talked about. Daddy has to do his work here, and you have to do your work there, and we can’t be seen together, at least for awhile, or we might both lose our jobs. Daddy knows it’s hard, but he also knows you’re my strong little boy, and you’re going to do great.” Gavin might have thought that Daddy might have been tearing up by the end of it, if Gavin didn’t know any better.
“But Daddy-”
“No buts, kitten. I think it would be best if you waited to call me until tomorrow, ok? Or the day after? So that we can have some time to cool down.”
Gavin sniffed. “Daddy is leaving me??”
“No, no kitten, I would never do that. But… we don’t want this to all be for nothing, and I think it would be best if we had a little break, just so we could adjust.”
“But-”
“I love you, Gavin. Don’t forget that.” Daddy clicked off the phone before Gavin could respond.
It all took a moment to hit. The day he had, the move, the shitty apartment, the way Daddy had ABANDONED him, no matter what Daddy tried to say otherwise. It was all too much. Gavin closed his eyes, and he started to cry.