Work Text:
Levi swallowed the lump in his throat as he sat up on his bed. The air around him was cold, outside of his window he only saw eternal fog painted over the landscape of the city.
He understood as he felt his clothes sticking to his body, sweat dripping down his forehead and forming at the back of his neck on his undercut.
Another nightmare.
Though he couldn’t remember. It was a second ago when felt the race of his heartbeat, desperately trying to think back on what put him into his state.
But he saw nothing.
Sometimes he thanked himself, in the back of his mind, that he was somehow able to suppress those flashes of images, which were not fiction, but memories from his past years.
He’d abandoned the 104th, now living his life on Marley.
He wasn’t alone, he had a friend and two children by his side, and even though three years had passed, he couldn’t see it as his home. As much as Elida had never been his home. That forsaken treacherous Island full of Devils.
He understood now.
Once he’d been one of them, maybe it was only fair to condemn him, now that he knew the truth. Maybe that’s what he deserved.
He flinched, feeling a phantom pain in his right leg as if it was still there.
That’s probably what Erwin felt when he lost his arm.
His dreams, though some were pretty vague, barely a few flashes that he could remember after waking up, he’d never forget those ocean eyes and golden hair in the sun of the man he once loved – still does.
After seven years, it started to hurt a little less – whenever he thought of him. His long-time companion, his partner, his lover.
He knew it was silly to still long for a man who was long gone, somewhere in the pits of Hell as he always said it's where he’d belong, but Levi knew better.
Levi knew he was somewhat still with him. Whenever it was the tie, he had taken after his death or his belongings; it didn’t matter.
He felt him close, carried on by the memories inside his mind.
What mattered was the sight of his features. His eyes, his nose, his mouth, the shape of his jaw, the moles on his body, the weight of his hand in his.
He missed it and he knew it would never be the same.
Yet he didn’t regret what he did.
Levi saw the smile on his face as he saw the sadness in his eyes. Something about that man always put him off.
He was such a good liar.
Good at pretending that he was fine when he’d been anything but... when he knew he’d wanted for someone to hold him and tell him “Everything is going to be fine, Erwin.”
His lips started quivering as there was a sharp pain in his heart, but he kept it together and bit his lip.
He wasn’t always like that, he really wasn’t. But today, when he looked at the mist on the streets as people ran around in suits and dresses, busy with their life; dedicating their life to their work, he knew that Erwin would have loved it.
Erwin liked order and respected people who followed it, as well as the people who questioned it. It proved them of a sharp mind, the ability to understand other’s intentions and motives.
Levi let his mind wander, wishing he could sleep some more and be nuzzled back into that warm, protective body; scanning every scar and imperfection which made it complete.
But sometimes it wasn’t enough to just dream, not when he knew those moments were very much real, a constant reminder of the past. He wanted it back, a simple life..
Even when the decision wasn’t regretful, he can’t help thinking how Erwin would have liked to know the truth, to know that he didn’t send his comrades to death for nothing, that his own sacrifice wasn’t a waste.
He remembered very well, the day of his passing, when he talked to him in the delirious state, deep in memory about his dream, almost child-like; filled with hope and despair.
Though the battle had to be fought, he returned later that day to the walls which surrounded Shiganshina, picking up the lifeless body on that roof.
If you asked Levi now of the exact location, the exact house, he would lead you to it.
The warmth that usually surrounded him had disappeared, the glow in his eyes had been extinguished, the colour of his skin had faded away and he was considered nothing else but another body, to be buried or burned.
The latter wasn’t an option, as he carried him on his shoulder and bringing him home to where he belonged, in his bed, where they’d spent the most intimate times together.
A place that usually stood for comfort, was now a place of loneliness.
Levi grabbed the cane that leaned against his nightstand and looked at it, sliding his fingers over the smooth wooden surface, feeling the cut of initial E.
He smiled to himself as he placed the end of it on the floor and pushed his body up, making his way over to the chair where he folded his fresh clothes, headed to the bathroom to wash, and got dressed.
Always had the others been sleeping when Levi awoke and wandered instinctively into the kitchen – looking at the clock as it just hit the six o’clock mark.
Even after those years, the habit of waking up early had never changed, what indeed changed was the position he slept in.
No longer curled on a hard chair or stool, always wary of his environment – he could only sleep in peace with Erwin, but now he’d managed on his own. Levi wasn’t alone, though something in his heart arched for a thing that could never be replaced.
Things had gotten a little better, not entirely good; even further from perfect, but he tried. At this own pace.
The wounds on his body, he wore with pride, with a constant reminder of the fights he’d picked and all of them he survived. More than eighty percent of people where he came from didn’t share the same fate – or luck for that matter.
His mere existence stood for a legacy, for a story that needed to be told, something that Erwin would have listened to and written down in his father’s book.
Something about that thought made Levi smile as he blindly eyed the butter and eggs in the pan with his good eye before him.
Things had gotten a little better.
He leaned on his leg, being used to finding the balance to stand comfortably as he put the eggs on the plates, grabbing mindlessly for a pot to heat the beans in, the rest of the heat in the pan not going to waste as he put the toast inside until it turned into a golden-brown colour.
Just as the rest of the food had been placed on the table and when he was about to wash the dishes, a voice rang into the back of his mind.
“Levi?”
His breath caught, he looked up at the doorframe, but the voice didn’t match the owner it belonged to.
“It doesn’t hurt to ask for help, old man,” said Gabi who now settled down on the kitchen chair, eying the plate with eggs, toast, and beans.
“Tch, I’m not that old that I can’t cook on my own.”
“I know,” she acknowledged. “But I know the boys always sleep until late.”
“Maybe your little boyfriend needs some discipline.”
“He does, doesn’t he?” she giggled, “he’s getting a little too comfortable, he should fulfill his duties. It shouldn’t just be you who works around the house.”
“I know, but I don’t mind doing it. I was hungry anyway.”
“You know that’s not what I mean by that,” the brown-haired girl raised a brow in question.
“Yes, I’m aware..” he sighed, leaning back at the counter.
“But thank you anyway.”
Levi, Thank You.
It had only been an illusion.
But the sight in front of him still filled his heart with warmth.
A feeling that he hadn’t felt in a long time.