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Exusiai jolts awake with a shout, their body spasming wildly in bed. Their legs collide with more warmth—ah—at least they're not alone, they think, and then they remember. It's Lappland. It's Lappland and they're married and of course they're not alone. (Texas, too, but Texas is out on a delivery and won't be back until Monday. Still, they can easily reassure themself of this: Texas loves them too.)
"Mm?" Lappland mumbles sleepily. "Angel?"
"Mmm, I'm okay," Exusiai murmurs back, settling back into Lappland's embrace. They gently tuck their head against her neck, breathing in her warm familiar smell. Their heart pounds, their breathing quick and shallow.
They think of their dream, formless and empty. Aching. Choking. The feel of fingers in their hair, wrapping burning around their halo, pushing their head down. Alone, alone, alone, abandoned and hurting and left empty. Even now, fully awake and knowing they're safe, it feels like they can't fill their lungs enough.
Just a dream. Just a dream. It's okay. I'm home, I'm with Aja.
Lappland stretches out, and presses a little kiss to the top of Exusiai's head before sitting up and removing her eye mask. "You want anything, angel? Water? Hot drink?"
"Mmmm…" What Exusiai really wants is to not be alone, but it's the kind of thing that's too fragile to say. If Lappland needs to get up, then Exusiai will too. "I'll come with you."
The LCD clock on the microwave reads 4:53 in bright blue. Exusiai feels like yawning, just looking at it. Lappland doesn't bother turning on the light; the room is illuminated enough by the glow of Exusiai's wings.
"We got herbal tea. We got coffee. Eh, you probably don't want coffee. We got… I know we have sake, I can warm up some sake. Hot chocolate mix. It's the shitty kind, though. Guess you could just have hot water, if you want, huh?" Lappland turns away from the cabinet to smile at Exusiai. In this low light, wearing only her bathrobe and slippers, she really looks the part of a loving housewife. Getting up at odd hours to tend to her beloved. Exusiai thinks they might be falling in love with her all over again, with each little thing she does to show she cares for them. It certainly wouldn't be the first time.
"Hot chocolate's good. If you add milk it's not that shitty," Exusiai points out.
"It's powdered," Lappland says. "I'll make you real hot chocolate from scratch, okay? Not right now, it'll take way too long. You know?"
"Mmm, I know. Powdered is okay for right now."
"Coming right up," Lappland says, and sets to work.
Once Exusiai has had a few sips of hot chocolate, they start to feel a bit more settled, even if they're not relaxed. The feeling of fingers in their long hair remains from their nightmare—a phantom pain from a cut that no longer exists. Their hair is growing out, almost to their shoulders. Not nearly what it was back in high school, and before that. But still. Still. They feel like throwing up, powdery milk chocolate burning the back of their throat.
"Aja," they say into their cup.
"Yeah?"
"Can you…" They fumble with trying to put it into words, this question that should be so simple. "Will you cut my hair?"
Lappland sips her cup of water and sets it back down before answering. "You sure, angel? You know how my hands are."
"I don't care," Exusiai says. "I just… need this off me." They give a short laugh to avoid worrying Lappland, but it comes out forced.
"Haha. Okay," Lappland says. "Alright. Let me get things ready."
Lappland leads Exusiai out onto their small balcony, which Exusiai knows is her favorite feature of their new house. The sun is rising, just about to peek up over the horizon, and the whole sky is a velvety twilight blue. Exusiai is rarely up this early anymore; they'd forgotten how pretty it is. They spend a few quiet moments staring at the cottony gray clouds, while Lappland sits them down in a chair drawn from the kitchen and tosses a towel over the back of their neck.
"How short do you want this?" she asks, ruffling Exusiai's hair just under their halo.
"Right here!" They show her by grabbing a section of it at the side. It's a good eight centimeters, ending at around the hairline on the back of their neck. Not the shortest they've ever had it, but enough to take off a significant amount of the bulk that's bothering them.
Lappland nods. "I'm gonna do a little less than that, so if I fuck up you can still go to a hairdresser. Have them figure it out."
"Oh, yeah, that's fine." Exusiai folds their hands in their lap and adjusts their body, ready for Lappland to start.
Lappland carefully takes a small section of Exusiai's hair in her hand. There's the soft snip of the scissors, and little wisps of red slide across the front of Exusiai's shirt. Another section, and another, and another. For all her warnings, Lappland's still being gentle and slow, methodically cutting and checking over her handiwork.
And it's comforting—it truly is. Exusiai can finally stop thinking about the dream, focused only on the sound of the scissors and Lappland's quiet breathing, and the way the sky has gotten much lighter. The only hands in their hair are their wife's, and her touch is filled with nothing but love.
"I think I'm about done. Want me to get a mirror?"
Exusiai reaches up and feels for the ends of their hair. Short. Light, weightless. "Yeah!" they say. "It feels nice, though. Thank you, I literally feel so much better now."
Lappland ambles inside, leaving the sliding door open behind her. Exusiai looks up at the sky while they wait; it's turned almost a pale green, and the sun is burning brightly along the horizon. Exusiai recognizes one of the neighbors out for a morning run, and another coming outside to walk their dog. And Lappland returns with a pocket-sized hand mirror, holding it out for Exusiai.
As soon as Exusiai sees their reflection, they can't help but smile. It's not perfect, but it's more than good enough. And it's Lappland's work—that, on its own, is more than worth it.
"Thank you," they say again, grinning up at Lappland from where they sit.
"My pleasure, angel," she replies, smiling just the same.
If one of their neighbors were to look up from their own lives at this very moment, they'd see the white wolf kissing her Sankta wife on the lips, and then the two of them laughing together before taking the kitchen chair back inside. Just two people in love, unwaveringly devoted to both each other and their absent wife, and not caring about anything else in the instant.