Work Text:
It’s an extremely uncommon event for anyone at the BAU to get an actual day off, so JJ and Emily decided to make the most of a night unplagued by serial killers and trauma.
The reservations were made several weeks in advance, which made it all the more difficult for Emily to even consider cancelling. JJ was always encouraging her to communicate more about when her anxiety was bothering her, but this date night had been in their calendar for so long, Emily couldn’t bring herself to ruin such a perfectly planned night.
Emily spent the morning and afternoon taking care of various chores. This was a day off after all, and her fridge was severely lacking. It was unpleasant when her headphones broke mid-shop, but she had been tortured for God’s sake, she could survive this.
The drive home seemed to have more sirens than normal. The sound wasn’t out of place in Emily’s life but they just seemed louder than usual. Like the ambulances and firetrucks were distraught that she wasn’t out there helping to save the day alongside them.
It was a bit of a project to get all the groceries upstairs. She was just setting down the last bag when one of the others tipped over, hurtling a glass jar of raspberry jam to the floor, exploding with a sharp crack. The sound pulsed through Emily’s eardrums and mixed with the momentary adrenaline, created a faint unpleasant buzzing inside her brain. Emily pushed the feelings down and dropped to her knees to salvage what she could, cleaning the rest with paper towels. She carefully removed the shards of glass glittering her kitchen floor.
By the time Emily finished stocking the last bag of dried pasta, her phone vibrated on the table. The aggressive rattle penetrated her skin and the buzz in her brain worsened. It was JJ.
“Hey, Em, how are you enjoying your day off so far?” JJ’s sweet, even voice put Emily at ease despite the phone speakers’ attempts at warping her girlfriend’s pure voice into acidic needles on her brain.
Emily swallowed, pushing down whatever her mind was doing and responded. “Honestly I’m a bit tired, it’s been a long morning, but I’m so excited for dinner!”
JJ paused over the phone, bringing Emily a brief moment of welcome silence. “Em, if you’re not feeling up to it, we can do this some other time. I don’t want you to push yourself too hard.”
“No, no. I want to do this. We’ve been planning it for so long and I am dying to see your face outside of the office for once.” Emily assured JJ and herself that everything was fine.
“Alright.. I’ll still plan on picking you up at 7, but if anything changes, please tell me, okay?”
“Okay Jayje. See you then.”
Emily hung up and placed her phone on the table before grabbing a potholder from the drawer and slipping it underneath the device. She’s had difficult days before, and made it out just fine. This was meant to be a day to relax, and she will not let her stupid anxiety ruin that. All she needed to do was hit a hard reset on today.
With her new goal in mind, Emily decided a hot shower was the perfect reset button. She turned on the tap and the sound of water slamming into the porcelain tub sent tremors through her eardrums; Emily gritted her teeth. If she couldn’t take a shower, she shouldn’t be out in the field catching criminals every day. Even so, Emily felt herself shake a bit as she stepped into the tub.
The scalding water burned her skin and she nearly fell back to the floor. She has lived in this apartment for well over a year, the water temperature rarely fluctuates, but her irritated skin told a different story. She adjusted the temperature and stepped in once again. This attempt yielded better results but the heat must have left her skin more sensitive. Every drop of water felt like small metal pellets dappling her skin with invisible welts.
Despite the discomfort, Emily washed the sweat off her body and ran some conditioner through her hair. Barely five minutes passed before she couldn’t take it anymore and stumbled out of the tub, reaching for the softest towel she could find to dry her aching skin.
She passed the rest of the afternoon with her usual day-off activity: catching up on shows she missed. It took her some time to get the volume to where the pain was not as present but she could understand the actors. As the fifth episode rolled around, she sunk into the couch, her fatigued muscles finally starting to relax.
She could still hear a faint buzz, different than the one before. Perhaps whatever was happening inside her head was abating. No… this buzz was outside her head, from the kitchen. She bolted up and raced towards the sound, grabbing her buzzing phone from the potholder. It was 7:15 and JJ was calling for the 5th time. She answered, hands shaking from the realization.
“Hey, I’m so sorry! I lost track of time, I just need to change and I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
She was met with silence on the other end. Suddenly her head was spinning, was JJ okay, did someone kidnap her? or was there a case that she missed and JJ was already on the plane? But then she spoke.
“I’m coming up. We can cancel the reservation.” Her tone was neutral. Emily read it as disappointment.
“No, no! Stay right there, I’ll be down before you know it!” Emily hung up and dashed into her room, thankful that she picked her dress ahead of time. She threw off her oversized shirt and shed her pajama pants in one motion, accidentally scraping her forearm on something sharp in her room. She forced herself not to register it. it’s just pain.
She grabbed a deep purple dress with no sleeves and a deep v neckline and tossed it over her head. She shimmied into it recklessly and reached for some makeup and her heels. She could put them on in the car.
Emily sped over to the front door, swung it open and violently collided with JJ, nearly knocking her to the ground.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry Jayje. I told you not to come up.”
JJ took a moment to right herself and looked at her girlfriend for a moment.
“Emily… let’s go back inside. I cancelled the reservations.”
“JJ, no! Why did you do that? I said I’m fine!” She’s speaking louder than she intends to.
“Emily, show me your keys. Your phone?” JJ instructed patiently, noting her makeup in one hand and her shoes in the other.
Emily didn’t say anything. The buzzing in her ears was so loud. She could hear the pipes banging in the hall, the doors slamming open and closed, the piercing ding of the elevator, the heavy drone of the TV that she never thought to turn off. She looked down at her arm, it was bleeding.
She felt JJ push her tenderly back inside and she heard the door quietly close. She allowed JJ to guide her to a chair in the dining room.
The blonde woman glided through Emily’s apartment, quieted the TV, and retrieved a first aid kit from the cabinet. The two women didn’t speak as JJ calmly patched up the cut. It hurt, but it was only pain. So when Emily felt the tears burn down her cheeks, she didn’t understand it.
“Jay, why am I crying?” Emily’s voice was shaking and weak.
“It’s okay, Em. Panic attacks can sneak up on you.” JJ reassured. Her voice was measured and stable.
Panic attack? She wasn’t having a panic attack. She wasn’t hyperventilating, she was fine. JJ was just making this a big deal.
“I’m okay, I’m fine.” Emily pulled her newly bandaged arm away and rose to her feet. “We can go out now.”
“We’re not going anywhere Emmy. Let me take care of you. Let yourself be not okay.” JJ maintained her measured tone and stood herself. She looked gorgeous in a charcoal suit with a white shirt loosely buttoned underneath.
“You look so beautiful, though. That can’t go to waste.” She moves for the door.
JJ catches her, redirecting her to the couch. “It’s not a waste if I’m with you. Sit.” Emily finally obeys, too weak to protest JJ’s firm direction. “Stay there. Forget the restaurant, I’m going to take care of you. You need this, even if you don’t realize.”
Emily couldn’t protest anymore. She slumped over on the couch, as much as her dress would allow and let the tears flow freely. Her body shook as the tight coil in her chest finally released. She felt time pass around her as the tears and tremors escaped her body. All she wanted was JJ’s comforting touch on her back, guiding her through the vulnerability; she didn’t know where JJ went, but Emily could faintly sense movement around the apartment.
Emily was strong. That’s what her mother always told her. She was strong because she never complained about moving around so much, never keeping friends for more than a few years. She was strong for taking on the undercover mission with Doyle when no one else would. She was strong for surviving his return. The branding, the impaling. Of course she’s strong, it’s just pain; she’ll survive. This was different. The attack was from the inside. She couldn’t trust her strength to get her through this, it was crumbling around her. She felt so alone, she couldn’t fight anymore; all she could do was shake and weep.
Soft hands grabbed her arms gently and brought her to her feet. Emily opened her eyes to see JJ had turned down all the lights in the apartment, put on calming jazz music at just a low enough volume to fill any oppressive silence, and was now guiding Emily to her bedroom. She felt her girlfriend unzip her dress and replace the hard fabric with clean pajamas. All Emily could do was make small appreciative whimpering sounds.
The two women made their way back to the couch. Emily delicately folded her body into JJ’s, curling herself into a soft ball in her girlfriend’s lap. JJ cooed quietly and rubbed her back up and down.
“I ordered chinese for us. Should be here soon. Do you think you can eat?”
Emily made a small sound of affirmation.
“Good. I love you.” JJ pressed a kiss to the woman’s forehead. The two women sat in near-silence for a few minutes, the soft jazz moving gently through the air.
“JJ?” Emily asked, her voice still shaky.
“Yes, Em?” JJ responded encouragingly.
“How did you know what to do?”
“I know you better than you know yourself sometimes, Em. You seem to think that being tortured has made you immune to everything. Sometimes physical pain is far easier to deal with than any alternative.”
“Is my brain broken?” Emily’s voice was cracking again, the tears returning.
“No, baby. You’re just a bit more sensitive than you realize. You have to be careful about pushing yourself too hard. But if you do, just know I’ll be right here to bring you back.”
“Thank you, JJ, for everything.”
“Thank you for letting me help you, Em. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
The two women embrace tightly and wait for the food to arrive.