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Touya wasn't surprised when Keigo came out as a trans man at 16. At the training camp they had become best friends at, Keigo had always worn more masculine clothes, cut his hair super short, and hung out with the guys as much as possible. Soon after the camp, the two had started dating. So when Keigo came out to him one Friday afternoon, Touya said that he was so happy that Keigo had been able to accept and live as who he really is. The two of them continued to date.
Even though he really was happy that Keigo had come out, when Touya got home, he felt like something was off. Touya already knew about trans people, but he had never known one personally. Looking back at the journey Touya had gone through amplified a feeling he recognized, but couldn't name. After texting Keigo goodnight, he took to his computer and started to look things up.
Soon enough, he saw something new. Something beyond male and female, or maybe in the middle, or maybe both. He was interested. He kept searching and reading, and as the hours passed by, the new terms all started to blur together. Non-binary, genderfluid, demigirl and demiboy, neopronouns, and more. He was getting incredibly tired, and couldn't really comprehend what he was reading anymore. And yet, he pressed on, until he fell asleep cold in his chair.
Woken by noises around the house, Touya got up and went through the motions of the day, trying to ignore that weird feeling that permeated his absurd tiredness. It wasn't until the afternoon when his younger sister gently nudged him to get his attention.
“Hey Touya, you don’t really look the best, how late were you up last night?” Fuyumi could tell that Touya had stayed up to some extent, because of the soft shuffling sounds occasionally coming from his room late in the night, and the huge dark circles under his eyes. In addition, his long hair looked like it had been haphazardly brushed, instead of his hair flowing neatly down.
“I’m fine.” Touya mumbled out, not really comprehending the question.
“You sure? If you can't talk to me about it, at least talk to someone.”
“Yeah, yeah. Something's wrong, but I'm gonna figure it out.”
“Wow Touya Todoroki himself admitting he’s not okay, definitely a step for you.”
Among the jumble of words, there was something that stood out to Touya. The "he's", the "himself". It wasn't necessarily wrong, but it didn't feel right anymore either. Did it ever feel right in the first place? Was there anything that could feel right?
Fuyumi came closer and said, "Hey, are you still there?" taking Touya back out of his daze.
"Uh... I'm gonna go do some homework. Yeah." Touya stumbled past Fuyumi, who gave him one last look of concern before turning away. He ambled up the stairs, and into his room, collapsing onto the bed.
When people are faced with a tough, personal problem with no obvious solution, reactions typically depend on the person. Some may persist trying to find an answer in a dead end, refusing to look anywhere else. Some may find the question to be not worth the hassle, and leave it alone entirely. Some people, including Touya, might tend to shut down and lay still. Maybe an hour passed, or maybe it was two, but Touya remained, mind racing with disorienting thoughts.
Suddenly, the silence of Touya's room was broken by the sharp sound of a text appearing on his phone. A notification displayed an incoming message from Keigo: Hey, should I come over? Fuyumi was saying that you weren't doing well, but also kinda closed off.
Initially, Fuyumi was pissed that she would tell anybody about his state. On second thought, having Keigo over would be good. Touya always enjoyed being around him, and maybe Keigo would even know what to do about all of these thoughts and worries. In addition, it was nice that Fuyumi cared enough for someone feeling down that she would reach out for more help if she wasn't able to.
So, Touya sent a response: Yeah, you should come over. Uh, I mean, if you can. Something's wrong with me and I don't know what it is.
Keigo responded quickly with a: I'm on my way, I'll fly over in a sec!
Even though he was so worried, that made Touya smile back at his phone screen. Keigo was the only person who might be able to decipher that feeling.
Even though it took less than fifteen minutes, it felt like an eternity until he heard the sound of the doorbell. Before he could get up, Touya recognized the sound of Fuyumi opening the door. He heard the muffled, short conversation between Keigo and Fuyumi, followed by the distinct footsteps of Keigo coming up the stairs.
Touya heard a knock at his bedroom door, and met it with a “Come in”. Keigo opened the door to see Touya on the bed looking distressed. Touya now realized how concerning the text he received actually was.
Keigo took in Touya’s room. The walls were covered with bright band posters, and the floor was covered with clothes. The room was only half-lit, as only one of the blinds were open. Touya laid sprawled out on his unmade bed under a comforter when his head turned to look over at Keigo.
“Hey Touya,” Keigo’s voice was soft and calming as he shut the door behind him. He walked towards Touya, who sat up as Keigo came closer, keeping the comforter draped over his shoulders.
“Sorry about the text, I didn’t mean to worry you. I just need to talk, or figure things out, or whatever.” Touya was fidgeting his hands by rubbing them together.
“It’s totally fine. God, Touya, you look like such a mess, did you sleep at all last night?”
“Not much,” he chuckled.
Keigo moved towards the bed and joined Touya by sitting in the comforter with him.
“Honey, that’s not something to laugh over, what’s up? Talk to me.” Keigo patted Touya’s shoulder trying to give them some comfort.
“Well I’m really happy you came out as trans and all…” Keigo’s eyebrow perked up as Touya trailed off.
Touya took a deep breath, looked straight forward, and picked up his pace. "Last night, I didn't get sleep because I was trying to look up trans stuff so I can figure out who I am. It didn't work, 'cause I got no sleep, and I didn't learn shit."
For a few seconds, the only noise Touya made was an exhale, with his head held low.
“I just feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.”
“Do you think you’re trans like me? I know that’s a lot to think about,” Keigo suggested.
“I definitely don’t feel like a girl though, but I still feel bad being seen as a man. I just don’t know who I am or why I feel this way. I look back, and I can't recall ever knowing who I am.” A tear fell down Touya's cheek; he didn’t even really know why he was starting to cry.
Keigo asked, “Hey, Can I hug you?” Touya nodded as Keigo embraced him, he was now heavily shaking.
“Honey, It’s gonna be okay, take some deep breaths, and then you can continue if you feel like it.” Touya nuzzled into Keigo as he wrapped his wings around him.
Touya felt safe in Keigo’s embrace, but was still shaking as Keigo placed a small kiss on his head. He was scared to bring out his feelings, but Keigo’s tight hug made a lot of that worry fade away. In that moment, all that mattered was Keigo.
“Hey Touya, it doesn’t really matter either way, but when you were younger, did you have any gender stuff? I mean like-”
“Actually, I did. When I was like, thirteen, I was home alone one day.” His words started slow, as he recalled the event.
“For a while, I had wanted to try on a couple of my sister's dresses. I always liked the textures and the patterns. I went into her room, picked out the dresses and then ran back into my room.” Touya looked up at Keigo to make sure he was listening. He gave a nod of reassurance, which helped Touya continue.
"So, when I got back to my room, I tried on a dress. It was all yellow and had a few extra bits."
"How did it feel?" Keigo asked.
"Tight!" Touya answered, and then laughed.
“I looked in the mirror, and I looked exactly like a 13 year old boy who had stolen his sister’s dresses. I didn’t really like how I looked, but that didn't make me hate the idea of wearing dresses or anything. I don't know.” Touya took a shaky breath
“I just kept staring at myself in the mirror. I liked the dress, but I hated how broad my shoulders were. They were really accentuated by the top bit of the dress that's kinda vest?”
“You mean the bodice?” Keigo questioned.
“Is that what it's called?” Touya responded as he cocked his head to the side.
"Haha, yeah."
“Well, I didn’t really regret stealing my sister’s dresses. It was kinda fun, and I wasn't super nervous or anything. But that feeling, looking in the mirror and it not looking right, it didn't leave me. I never told anybody about it, at least not until today. I put back Fuyumi’s dresses, and she never knew. I didn't like the feeling of not looking right, I kinda kept the whole experience locked up inside myself, tried to forget it and all.”
Once Touya finished telling his story, the room was silent, except for the small shuffling of the two occupants cuddling in even closer to each other.
Then, breaking the silence, Touya asked, “Keigo, are you happy that you're trans?”
“I’m not gonna tell you that shit is in any way easy, but I’m still happy I am. I would probably feel like total shit right now if I never came out or anything. Why do you ask?”
“I'm scared to take the next step. Saying something, doing something, whatever it is, I'm scared of it. I don't want to say something I have to take back, or go through a whole bunch of stuff and then regret it. I don't know if I can do what's next” Touya looked forward as he spoke, afraid he might cry if he looked in Keigo's eyes.
“That’s a pretty normal feeling, You’re not alone in this Touya, I hope you know that. I’m here for you, and knowing your siblings, I'm sure they're here for you too.”
“Thanks Keigo. I really hope this will work out in the end.”
Keigo laughed. “Of course it will, dumbass. No matter what happens, I'll be here every step of the way.”
They sat there together for a bit until Touya pulled away, sighing a bit, and then continued.
"I'm not a guy. Being a girl sounds nice I guess, but it's not what I want."
"What do you want?"
Keigo stopped. What did he want?
Wait. "He". That's one of the things that bothered Touya so much. Whenever the word, or anything like it was assigned to Touya, it sent a small bit of frustration that piled up over a day, a week, a whole life. Touya didn't want it anymore, Touya wanted it to be washed away.
Keigo didn't interrupt, because he could tell that Keigo was thinking the question over. Then, Touya's voice finally returned.
"I don't want to be called he. Like, ever again. I don't want to have to be tied to anything that says who I have to be."
"What do you want to be called?"
"I remember, in my searches last night, people going by, like, they and them and whatnot. That sounds nice, like, really nice. I know I don't like what I have now, and I don't think I wanna be called she. They is like, the sweet spot, if that makes any sense."
"For sure! I'll start using those pronouns right away. Whatever you want to be called, I'll be sure to say!" Keigo gave Touya a massive side hug, followed by a small kiss on the cheek, making them blush. After a few seconds, Keigo loosened his grip, but remained attached to Touya as he asked a new question.
"So, most of the people who use these pronouns are non-binary. Do you think you're non-binary too?"
"I only remember a bit from last night, because of how tired I got, but I don't know if it's really for me. Doesn't it kinda seem like just a third gender with its own rules and stuff?"
"No, definitely not. A lotta people who are non-binary want to look more androgynous, but not everyone, for sure. I mean, that's the fun part about this gender stuff: no matter what gender you call yourself, you can still talk and dress and act in any way you want!"
"Huh, really?"
"Yeah! What you call yourself doesn't have to have any bearing on what you're like. But that also doesn't mean that gender is useless. Being called a man makes me happy, because it's what I call myself, it's who I am."
"Wow, that's actually, like, a really cool way of looking at it. I still don't know what I'm gonna call myself, but I'm gonna take all of that into consideration and stuff. Non-binary sounds a lot nicer knowing more about it now, but we'll see."
"Take the time you need! Seriously, there's no rush or anything, and remember, you can change things whenever you want to, even just to see if it works."
Keigo sighed, this time out of relief. “I feel a lot better now, this stuff still scares me shitless, and it's a lot, but thank you. You're the best boyfriend anyone could ever have.” This time, Keigo's hug was so forceful that Touya fell backwards and the two of them ended up laying down on the bed. The two of them laughed a laugh that was much needed.
Touya spoke up again. "I, uh, am running on very little sleep. I think I'm really close to just falling asleep right now."
Keigo looked at the clock, which read 11:51. It had only felt like a short amount of time since Keigo had entered Touya's room that day, and yet, more than several hours had passed.
"Well, it is late. Honestly, I'm really tired too. This bed is comfy, and lying next to you is even nicer." Touya responded with a slight, tired giggle, before falling asleep for good.
Keigo was as still as he possibly could be. He enjoyed having Touya so close to him, and he was glad that they were finally getting some needed sleep. They deserved it, after the whole ordeal of the past day or so.
Soon after, Keigo also fell asleep. The two teenagers were finally able to rest.