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Three years.
Three goddamn years.
Sometimes, James couldn’t really believe it. Then he’d remember the pathetic excuse for what he thought was love, how it had taken over his mind and his soul, until his entire life was shackled in silver chains.
Loyalty binds me.
He couldn’t believe he had been so stupid.
James stared at the sea, the waves crashing against the cliffs of Polperro. The freezing sea air whipped at his hair and his face, but he barely felt the cold. He had too much to think about to feel anything else. James didn’t think he could handle it.
Magnus and his father had finally found Lucie and Malcolm, in a cottage in Polperro. They hadn’t been the only people they’d found there.
They had also found Jesse Blackthorn. Not his corpse, not even his ghost. Just Jesse, now living and breathing again, because of his little sister. His excitable little sister, who still obsessed over the notebook James had given her when she was eight, who barely lied and never stopped talking.
His little sister who had committed necromancy. Who could command ghosts, who had commanded one into living.
Magnus Bane and Da were talking inside the cottage, about what to do next. About how much trouble Lucie might get into if they contacted the Cornwall Institute, or the London Enclave.
It was almost impressive how fast James’s life had been thrown into chaos. Just weeks ago, he had been with Cordelia, playing chess and living domestically in their townhouse on Curzon Street.
James forced himself not to think about her. He had enough to worry about with Lucie anyway. But it never worked, not truly. Her name rang through the back of his mind, over and over.
Daisy, Daisy, Daisy.
He knew he would never love anyone like he loved her.
And James knew that he had ruined that love. Now, with the knowledge of all he had done, he wasn’t exactly sure what to do. How to fix what he had broken, if it could be fixed.
“It’s cold out here,” said a cheerful voice. James looked up to see Lucie, in heavy skirts and a hat, her blue eyes bright. She sat down next to him. “But the view is fantastic.”
“It is,” he agreed.
“So, why are you out here?”
James leaned forward, bracing his palms on the grass beneath him. “I just needed some fresh air. What about you?”
“Looking for you,” Lucie said. “How do you like Jesse?”
“I like him,” he replied truthfully. “He’s a good man. He really likes you, Luce.”
His little sister sighed, love written across her face, clear as the moon on a cloudless night. “I know. I really like him too.”
“I’m just worried for what he means for you,” James said. He tried to be gentle, but he wasn’t sure if he had been successful. He tended to hurt people without knowing it, he knew that now. “Luce, you resurrected him. You committed necromancy. That’s illegal.”
“I know that,” Lucie said. “I know it’s illegal, but that doesn’t mean I did anything wrong. I didn’t kill anyone to resurrect him, I just used my-my powers, I suppose. There’s nothing wrong with that. And you heard why he died just like I did, James! He should have lived. I was only righting a wrong.”
He turned to her, seeing the conviction on her face. “I don’t think you did anything wrong either. Jesse deserves to be alive. But the Inquisitor won’t see it that way. Neither will the London Enclave.”
Lucie stiffened. He knew that she had considered what he was about to say, but hadn’t let herself think too deeply about it. James was familiar with the feeling.
“They could strip your Marks, Lucie,” James whispered, knowing he couldn’t bear to say that any louder. “They could cast you out of Nephilim society. I would never get to see you again, neither would Ma and Da, or anyone you love-”
“I know that!” Lucie shouted, standing up. He stood up too, so they were on mostly equal ground. “I know the possible consequences. But he was dead , James! He couldn’t feel the sunlight or the cold, the wind or the snow. Jesse couldn’t feel my hand in his. And he was never supposed to die, and I was the only person who could make it right!”
She stood before him, and even in the cold, Lucie blazed with righteousness. “I resurrected him because I love him, James, and you know how Herondales love! Wouldn’t you do the same thing, if it was Grace-”
“ No !” It was almost shocking, the way the word tore through him, the ferocity in which he said it. Lucie stepped back, not in fear, but in surprise.
James shook his head, clenching his hands into fists. “I would never do the same thing for Grace.” His whole body shook as he said it, vibrating with anger and betrayal.
“James,” Lucie said slowly. “What aren’t you telling me?”
He ran a hand through his hair, turning away from her and taking a deep breath. He couldn’t dump this onto his sister, who had many of her own problems to worry about, worse problems than his. “It’s nothing.”
“I know what it looks like, to keep a secret. What happened?”
He knew Lucie better than almost anyone. James knew what she sounded like when she decided she was going to do something, and he knew she wouldn’t stop until she did it.
So he knew she was going to get the truth out of him, sooner or later. It would be easier to tell her now, even if he didn’t want to. And maybe he owed her the story. Maybe he hurt her too, when he was only half of himself, all of his emotions devoted to a false love.
“Do you remember the bracelet I used to wear?” James asked her. “It was silver. I wore it everyday. I never took it off.”
“Yes,” she said, sounding confused. “Vaguely. What about it?”
“Grace Blackthorn gave it to me when I was fourteen,” he said, turning back to Lucie. “Well, she actually asked me to steal it for her, but that’s a different story. She told me to keep it, to remember her by.”
Lucie nodded. “Okay.”
“It wasn’t-it wasn’t a normal bracelet,” James whispered. He could barely bring himself to say the words. When he originally found out, he had been desperate to tell Cordelia and Matthew, to beg for their forgiveness. But now, now that the knowledge of what had been done to him had sunken in, speaking the words seemed near impossible. It would make what happened real, the fog he had been in, the people he had hurt. He wouldn’t be able to deny it or ignore it, once Lucie knew.
But she was going to find out. So he had to say it. He couldn’t run from it any longer.
“It was enchanted,” James said. His voice shook, but it was as clear as a bell. Lucie froze. “Cursed, to make me fall in love with Grace. Fall so in love with her that I would do whatever she said, that I wasn’t . . . wasn’t all of myself. It was like there was a fog on my emotions, that I couldn’t think or feel clearly with it on.”
“No,” Lucie whispered, sounding horrified. “She did that to you?”
James nodded, her tone making him strangely emotional. She thought it was terrible too. It wasn’t just him. “Yes. Because of her mother, but yes.”
“And you had the bracelet on since you were fourteen?” With every word she spoke, she sounded more horrified, and more angry. “For three years?”
“Yes.” The word was painful, and a little freeing.
For a moment, James and Lucie were silent, and the only noise came from the wind whistling through the air, and the waves crashing against the rocks.
“I’m going to kill them,” Lucie announced, her face scrunched up with rage. “I’m going to beat Tatiana to death with her own stupid hat! And Grace is next, Jamie. She is definitely next!”
“I don’t think Jesse would like that very much,” James joked, but it came out a little flat.
“He doesn’t have to know.”
He laughed, surprised and a little hysterical.
In a few steps, his little sister crossed the divide between them and pulled him down into a hug. James hugged her back.
He didn’t know exactly how to feel. Better, because somebody knew, and he wasn’t the only one who had to bear the burden? Worse, because James had upset his little sister, and talking about it didn’t make it untrue?
All he knew was that James felt all of those things. Better, worse, confused, betrayed, loved. Stronger then he had felt them for three years, which was overwhelming but right. The way it should have always been.
He felt a little lighter too.
Lucie pulled away from him. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice, James. I should have.”
He shook his head. “Don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault. Besides, that was a part of the bracelet’s enchantment. No one would notice it, including me.”
“What?” she asked incredulously. “That’s positively villainous. Maybe I should put it in a novel.”
James smiled at her. He could tell she was trying to cheer him up, but he didn’t say anything. “Please do. That would be a fun novel to read.”
“It would be very interesting,” Lucie said. She paused, her face growing serious. “Jamie? If I cannot blame myself for this . . . terrible crime, neither can you.”
“Excuse me?”
“I know that you probably blame yourself for what happened,” she continued. “But you cannot. I will not allow it.”
“You don’t understand, Lucie,” James said. “I hurt people while I was under the spell, hurt Matthew and Daisy and maybe even you-”
“That’s strange, because I do not remember being hurt,” Lucie countered fiercely, a spark in her eye. “You said it yourself, Jamie. You were under a spell. It was not you doing the hypothetical hurting. And even if you did hurt people, which you probably didn’t, they’ll forgive you in a heartbeat once you tell them what happened. That’s what happened with Da.”
Huh. He hadn’t thought about that. It was kind of funny, the father who had thought himself cursed, but wasn’t. The son who had thought himself free, but wasn’t. Kind of funny, and kind of sad.
“Maybe.” He hurried to speak again. “But you can’t tell anyone, Luce. Not right now.”
“Okay.” She sounded hesitant, and looked even more so, but James knew she wouldn’t tell a soul unless he let her.
“Thank you.”
“Anything for Cruel Prince James.” She grinned up at him. “Angel knows what he’ll do to me if I refuse his orders.”
James tilted his head back and laughed, genuine and true. “I’ll throw you in the dungeon, Secret Princess Lucie.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“I would.”
“You’re just jealous that I can best you in every domain, again and again.”
At that point, they were both giggling like the children they were, remembering better times. When they weren’t tangled up in so many secrets it was easy to lose count, when their demon grandfather wasn’t trying to possess him. When things were simpler.
He missed those times. Still, James wouldn’t trade anything for this moment. Standing on a cliff, laughing with his little sister, even though times were dark. Small moments like these made life just a little more worth living.
“James? Lucie?”
They both turned, to see their father standing by the door of the cottage. He was smiling fondly at the both of them.
“Come inside,” he said. “It’s cold, and we need your input to plan.”
“Coming, Da!” Lucie called.
He looked at her, offering her his arm. She took it with a smile.
James knew that talking to Lucie hadn’t solved all his problems. It hadn’t made what Grace and Tatiana had done to him any less real. It hadn’t erased the last three years of his life, or brought Daisy and Matthew back from Paris, or made it so Lucie wasn’t in trouble.
But it had cleared up some of the secrets between them. And it had made him feel a little less miserable. A little less alone. He hoped she felt that way too.
With his sister by his side and his father in front of him, James let himself believe that things would be okay.