Work Text:
6 months had passed. And the days had all been the same.
Wake up. Feed Miracle. Try to eat. Go to bed. Repeat.
Plain. Simple. Normal. Routine. He should like it. He should.
He tries to.
Wouldn't seem from the state of his bedroom. The empt the beer bottles lying around weren't that old. He did clean up once in a while.
And he showered. That was good. He was doing what he was supposed to do: live his life, free from the rules of someone else's game.
...
Then why did it feel like he still didn't have any sayings in the matter...
"Free will"
What was so free about all that?
Sure, Chuck was no longer in control, the whole weight of the universe was no longer on his shoulders, and the world was mostly safe, thanks to Jack (aside from occasional rogue monsters).
Everything was fine.
...
Then why was he holding his head, sobbing, sitting on the cold floor just like that night, thoughts running wild?
Why did he feel so dead inside...
The weight of infinite unspoken words had replaced the one of the billions of lives on Earth.
And it hurt.
So much.
"Cas-" the name first came out no more than a choked sob. He hadn't dared... didn't have the courage...
"C- Cas I do... I don't know if you can even hear. I-" his head shot up, throat tense, holding back the cries eager to escape. Eyes so swollen he couldn't make out the ceiling he was staring at.
"I don't even know if you're still alive. And if..." a violent sob made him curl on himself again. Why was it so fucking hard.
Hands tugging his hair and shoulders pressing down on his ears, he rocked himself a few times.
He knew he needed to breathe, but his body was making it so difficult...
"I can't do this."
He finally admitted.
To whom? He had no idea.
"I can't do this." he repeated, slower this time, slightly rocking back and forth still.
"It's too much... Ther- there are so many thing- I can't keep this up. I can't keep pretending like everything is fine. Cuz it fucking isn't... IT'S-"
His back hit the wall again. Eyes sealed. Staring into nothingness. His voice strainin to come out.
"And I've tried, Cas. I swear. I really tried. Living the life y- I wanted to. Forgetting and moving on." a dry chuckle left his aching throat "Getting a job, even. Being normal...
But I can't.
Not like this.
Not knowing..."
His voice broke again, but that wasn't so bad. He didn't know what he was going to say anyway. Or if he had the strength, the courage, to say it.
Coward.
"I'm so sorry, man... It hurts too much. I'm tired. You... everyone is gone-"
N̶̢̞̪̜̳̠̘͖̯̮̱̼̄̎͊̏̈̓͌̂̈́̉̈́̐̔ǫ̵͈̻̉͊͂̄͘ ̵̢̱̊͋̀͒̓͑̆̆͐̿͛̄̔b̷̧̡̲͕͍̫̜̝͉̋̓̌̊͆̋͒͐̔͛̓̇͘͝o̴͍͓̪̦̦̅̇̅͊͋̈́́͊͠ḑ̴̛̦̜̬̭̤̟̲̝̮̹̺͂̐͌̋͒͗͝͝ȳ̸̥͕̳̼̩̲͍̥̞̳̃̐̋̌̕̚̚ ̴̞͓͗͛̔̎͂ẅ̸̲̝̘̠̟̼̣̠̘̱̯́̎̉͗͆̒͆̏̃̍̚̕͝͝ͅő̸͔̠̹̲͖̬̗͓̫̬̩͎̓̍̊͐ũ̷̢̬̼̜̻̌̄̈́ļ̴̛̖͕̦͔͕̘̫̠͍̹̥͓͖̥͍̠͒̽̈́̊͊̽̆ḑ̵̬̺͈̳̱̫̝͚̠͉̫̱̰̇͒̋̒͆́͛̔̍ͅ ̵͕̻̠͍͚͚̜͖̮̭̫̞̱̱̊̊͆̽͐ͅm̸̞̯̼̟̘͈̬̗̤͍͎̀̔͑̄̒̕͜͝͠i̸̘͙̦̣̭̖̱̹̗͛̏͊̅̆͜͝s̷̬͕̮͖͍͗̍͂̾s̵̡̪̘̹̜̹̘̐̋̓͐̏̒̕͜ ̴̹̳̗͒͋̅̏̆̆̽̋͘̕͘͠m̵̢̨̛̳̫̘̥̬̣̦̄̅͗̇͑͆̆́̑̇̚̚͝ͅe̶̡̡̧̱̭͔̲̟͈̘͑̔̂̐̊̇͐͝ͅͅ ̴̩͐̃̔́͛͒̿͗̓̚a̶̻̖̠̬̦̓͋n̵̨̳̣̠̠̳̺̭̮̤͔͛̊ͅy̷͈͓̰̼̺̭̠̖͙͓̣̳̽̆̚w̵̧͕̰͍̝̟̺͓̠͔̥̞͓̟̣̉̿͌̔ͅą̷̧̛̫̿͋̒̓̐̚͝ȳ̵͊̐
"Sam is doing okay. He'll be fine. I-"
Į̴̛̲͓̜̥̠̟̳̰̠̓̎̊̃̚͝͠ͅ ̵̧̙͕̝̭̝̐͜͠ͅh̷̨̼͙̜̰͇̩̿̉̋̈́͒̋͐̔̚å̶̧̡̞͖͚̤̩͖̲̰̤̺̑̀̄͋̑͆͑͘͜ͅv̵͈͍͕̼̲̠̭͖̫͔̼̳̝̟́͌͋͌͊̉̂̽̅̏͒ͅe̶̠̳̜͓̺͋͘ ̶̹͎̦̈̈́̂͒̽̊̕n̷̢̢̛̛͖̝̙̳̬͍̥͉̞̎̏̐́͗̌̎͐͌̚̕̕ͅo̵̡̖̪͎͈̠̙̓̃͒̃̄̐͘̚b̵̭̯̘̣̪̺̰̍̎̆̉̊̊̐̑̈́̍͆̄͋ͅǫ̶̛̛̛͔̪̭͈͓͇̣͚͍̳̺̰̠̑̀̍̍̇̓͆̏̈́̚͜͝ḏ̷̬̭̪̟̣̙͇͕̺̜̝̠̠̓̇̇̉͋̈̃̈́̋̚̚͜y̷̘̰͖͎̼̞͆̀͑ ̵̬̮̾̽̔̋̽̐̓̐̕͝͠ę̸̓l̵̢̡̧̫̗̬̬͒̃͗̐͝ͅͅs̸͎͔̞̮̯̟̰͈̲͉̫̮͉̹͙͐̄͂̃͆̾̓̃̈͘͘͝e̷̬̘̍̅͌͋͂̆̋̄̈́́ ̵̧̟͈̙̦̤̥̮͎̼̳̬̬̠̲͎͐̐̍̂̌͛͜l̸͈̮͉̳̃͊̅̎̆͋̚e̸̡̨̞̖̟̤̺̼͚̺͕͙͐͌̕͜ͅf̵̗͎̥͚̦̪̖̪̣̳̖̯͒̓ẗ̵̢̧̘̣̩͚͔͖̺̩͇͖̲͖͔́̍͒̚͜
"... I've played pretend long enough."
"I'm sorry..."
"I'm done."
Suddenly, a feeling of peace washed over his body. And he was calm.
Shock or resignation, he didn't care.
He felt... numb.
Nothing.
Finally.
______________________
He picked up the phone.
...
"Hey, it's Winchester.
I believe you owe me one, Jenny."