Chapter Text
Wilbur sat in his bed with his guitar in his lap. He strummed it as he tried to fill his room with noise. He could hear Tommy yelling at his internet friends from across the hall. Phil and Techno were silent. As per usual. But even with the youngest of the family being a loud mouth his thoughts still shot through. Thoughts that he pushed down more times then he could count.
You're wrong . No he wasn’t. Okay maybe a bit lengthy, but that was it. You’re a stranger to yourself . Wilbur strummed more harshly on his instrument. He needs loudness. A distraction. Look at yourself. You're not right. One of Wilbur’s guitar strings snapped. He looked down at it. “...fuck.” He cursed to himself as his head hit the wall behind him. He looked to the side to see what time it was. Probably should head to bed. Now that was a thought he could get behind.
So Wilbur got up and put his guitar next to his and Techno’s desk. Since he was already in pyjamas he didn’t need to leave his room and change. Which was great as he was tired and wanted to do nothing but lay in the soft blankets he had on his bed. Wilbur walked over to the bed and got under the covers. As his head hit the pillow he fell asleep. Not knowing how tired he actually was until he was comfortable.
.
Wilbur felt that the bed was dipped beside him. He could also feel hands slightly moving him closer to the wall. “Mhm…” He squirmed as he got comfortable in his new spot closer to the wall.
”Oh shush.” He could hear Techno whisper as he got under the covers. Wilbur’s eyes opened a bit. Seeing Techno get comfortable. Wilbur reached out and drugged Techno closer. The older boy just scoffed. “Clingy.”
”Mhm yes. Now Techno cuddle.”
Techno sighed as he moved his hand underneath him and pulled him closer. “Night.”
“Night.”.
Wilbur couldn’t concentrate. He stared at the board. Listened as the clock ticked by. Sharpened his pencils over and over again. But whatever he did he couldn’t concentrate. He was too warm. He rubbed his feet together in annoyance. His teacher Ms can’t remember her name, talked and talked. Nothing stuck. Unlike this uniform! They were too restricting. Too uncomfortable. Too masculine. Wilbur blinked and flinched back in his seat.
What the fuck? Wilbur looked down at his uniform. The pants bothered him. But technically they were ‘masculine’ as they were just pants. And everyone in the school wore a tie with their uniform. I look normal . He thought to himself. Not even trying to listen to his teacher talk about space and crap. I look like everyone else. Tie, shoes, socks-thigh highs would be pretty. Wilbur narrowed his eyes. Looking down at his feet he looked at his plain white socks.
Only the girls wore thigh highs. Wilbur shook his head and went back to looking at his teacher. The discomfort he felt never went away. It was like an itchy bug bite. He knew it was there. It bothered him. But he couldn’t do anything about it. He felt like he was going to overheat. His eyes wandered to a girl in his class. She sat straight up and looked completely fine. His eyes landed on her skirt. The plain fabric giving room to breath in the hot room. Wilbur wished he had something like that. So this discomfort could go away.
.
Wilbur almost shouted when the discomfort made itself known at gym class. When he was in the boys locker and looked at his change of clothes. He looked at them then at the other boys. They didn’t feel it. He knew that. He felt out of place. Like being in the locker room was bad in some way. He kept to himself and stayed in the corner of the room. His classmates yelled and laughed at each other. You shouldn’t be here . Wilbur groaned at the voice.
It was him. His thoughts. And they always seemed to betray him. Pricks. The thoughts were pricks. Wilbur gripped the end of his shirt. He really should un button it and get changed. But then he would be exposed. Exposed? That shouldn’t be a problem, he’s just with other guys. Your body shouldn’t look like there’s. Your body is wrong. He covered his mouth. Wilbur grit his teeth as his heart started to speed up. He wanted nothing other than to yell out ‘I fucking know that!’ But he couldn’t.
Because that would mean he admits to himself that something is wrong. And he needs to live up to the name of being the king of denial. His breath hitched at the title. King. Is that what he wanted to be? It didn’t feel right. “Wilbur! Mr Harness is going to yell at you if you're late!” One of his classmates yells out to him. Wilbur turns to meet his eyes. Seeing that mostly everyone has left the changing room. Wilbur un covered his mouth. He took a shaky breath in.
“I’m going to throw up.” At least that’s what it felt like. The other boy’s eyes widened as he grabbed a trash can and rushed forward. Wilbur didn’t throw up. But he got a pass for that period. He counted it as a win. He didn’t need to change.
.
Wilbur laid his back against a tree. He was somewhere out the back of the school. His lunch bag rested next to him untouched and his eyes were closed. He hated Thursdays. Almost everyone from his friend group was doing something. Even Techno was off doing something. So Wilbur was left alone to think. Like every Thursday before his thoughts were loud. Bother some.
Your body is wrong. You're a stranger to yourself. You're broken. A broken boy. “Mind if I sit?” Wilbur opened his eyes seeing a familiar orange haired boy.
”Go ahead.” Fundy nodded and sat down beside him. He opened his lunch box and took out a ham sandwich.
Fundy took a big bite and faced him. “So what has you all mopey?” Wilbur looked at Fundy. Seeing his happy face and worried eyes. You're a broken boy. Like shattered glass. Useless and that can’t be fixed.
“Ever feel weird when people look at you?” Wilbur asked as he looked out towards the school.
Fundy hummed for a few seconds and swallowed what he had in his mouth. “Nope. Wouldn’t that depend on what kind of weird though? More info please.” Fundy chuckled out as he also turned to face the school.
Wilbur just shrugged. “Like, weird. I don’t know! Like, you know they see you how you are but you wished they saw you a different way? Or you wished you looked a different way….”
Fundy put his half eaten sandwich away. His whole demeanour changed. Wilbur couldn’t help but feel a cold shiver run down his spine. “How do you wanna look?” It was a simple question. But the answer got caught in Wilbur’s throat. How would he want to look? Not like I do now.
Wilbur looked down at his hands. Then at his body. It didn’t seem like it belonged to him. It wasn’t his body. But it’s all he knew. “I don’t know. That’s a weird question.”
“And that’s a weird answer.” Fundy shot right back.
Wilbur breathed in then out slowly. “Have you ever felt like your body didn’t fit you?” Silence. Wilbur’s head pounded and his heart raced. It was the first time he’s said that question out loud. One that he wished Fundy would say yes to. Because then it would mean he’s not alone. The silence made him rethink that. Fundy was going to say no. Then he’ll feel like a complete dumbass.
“Ya I have.”Fundy said in a hushed voice. Almost a whisper. “Do, do you sometimes hate how you sound?” Wilbur nodded. It was like a reflex. He knew the answer to well. Having answered it a hundred times in his head. Never out loud though. He was the king of denial after all. “What about your hair?” Fundy was quiet.
But since it was only the two of them Wilbur could hear him as clear as day. “Ya! Like I love my hair but, it could be better. You know? Like what if I grew it out? Like Techno! He has cool hair.” Wilbur gushed happily. Finally someone who understands! “And the uniforms! They suck ass! It makes me feel like shit wearing them. All sad like. And don’t get me started on the locker rooms! They make me feel so bad. You know? Like you can’t change there. You feel like that sometimes right Fundy?” Wilbur turned to his friend.
Fundy had a small smile. It looked forced. “I did. Before high school.” Fundy admitted.
That just made Wilbur smile bigger. “Finally someone who understands!” He chuckled.
Fundy understood. He could talk to Fundy. Stupid voices! He wasn’t broken! Fundy knew his pain. Fundy put his hand on his shoulder stilling him. Wilbur looked back to the boy. “You know there’s a name for that.” His eyes started to go wide. There was a name? For what he was feeling?
“Really!? What is it?” If there was a name that means a lot of people go through it. That means there’s probably a way to make it stop.
“It’s called gender dysphoria.” Fundy’s smile grew a bit sadder. “I used to get it a lot before I transitioned. Before I came out as trans.” Wilbur watched his friend in confusion. That couldn’t be it. Gender dysphoria was what transgender people go through. He wasn’t trans- “Wilbur have you ever felt like you were born the wrong gender? That maybe you would prefer to be called something else?” Fundy’s words were sweet. Lined with so much gentleness that it actually pained him.
“ Wa-what are you implying?”
You know what he’s implying.
“Wilbur I think you know. And it’s okay. Answer with the truth please.”
The truth hurts.
“I-I don’t want to.”
But you know you have to.
“I won’t judge you. I know it’s hard to think about it.”
It really is.
“I, M-maybe. What if I have?”
You're a broken boy. But maybe not a broken g-
“Then you're not alone. And it’s okay.”
How can it be okay? I was born a male! I should feel comfortable as a male!
“I don’t want to feel like this…”
“Neither did I.” Fundy moved closer to Wilbur and gave him a side hug. Him? Her? The second bell went off. They were officially late to class. When did the first one even go off?
“How do I make it go away? The dysphoria.” He whispered.
Fundy chuckled and gave Wilbur a genuine smile. “Well how do you think I tamed mine? Smooshed my tits down.”
Wilbur rose a brow and pointed to his chest. “Don’t got boobs Fundy.”
The other tilted his head to the side, looking him up and down. “Well, what about pronouns? You wanna change them?”
Wilbur leaned his head down on his friends. “I don’t know. He/him makes me feel weird. So maybe?”
Fundy nodded. “Okay! So wanna try she/her? To see if you like it? We could also try they/them.”
Wilbur thought for a second. The title of king of denial long gone now. “C-can we try she/her?” Fundy hummed in understanding.
He shuffled out from Wilbur’s side and stood up. Right in front of him. Her? Them? “Okay! Wilbur is my friend and she loves writing songs! She also created this whole drama in the school and made me join her group of school rebels. We called our group L’manburg and she’s the leader!” Fundy pointed to Wilbur. Like he was giving a speech. Wilbur’s eyes widened. His hands shook and his eyes started to water.
“I-I like that. That’s it. I want she/her.” Wilbur made grabby hands at Fundy. Like he could just hand over the pronoun.
“Alright. She/her it is.” He walked back over to her and sat down in front. Taking Wilbur in his arms as they hugged. Tears fell down Wilbur’s face. “Feels good right. Using the right pronouns.” Wilbur nodded as she gripped onto Fundy tighter.
”Thank you.” She whispered.
“No problem.” Fundy whispered back.
Broken boy. But a beautiful girl.
Wilbur sat next to Fundy at the park bench. Eret sat in front of them. Confused as to why they were there. On a Friday, after school. “I love hanging out with you two. But why?” Eret chuckled out. Wilbur shifted in her spot on the bench. Fundy was holding her hand under it. Eret will understand! Tell them! But what if they don’t…
Wilbur met her friend's eyes and took in a breath. It was shaky and slow. “I have something to say.” Eret straightened up at the tone she used. Serious but frightened. He stayed silent. Giving her time. “I go by she/her now!” Wilbur blurted and gripped tighter onto Fundy’s hand. Silence. Fundy rubbed small circles onto her hand with his thumb.
Would Eret be mad? Say she was faking it? Like everyone on those drama shows? Eret grind. “That’s awesome!” Eret stood up and rounded the table. She bent down and hugged Wilbur. “Thanks for telling me.”.
“Thank you for being accepting.”
Eret’s fine with it! He, she, they are fine with it!
“Are you out to anyone else?” Eret asks, squeezing her tightly in there arms.
“Only you and Fundy.” She replies.
Eret hums, nodding along. “So do you have a new name you want me to call you by?”
What….
“What…”
.
Wilbur leaned against Eret as he scrolled through name lists on the internet. Fundy sat on a beanbag off in the corner. They were all at Fundy’s place. “How about Violet?”
Wilbur turned her head to Fundy. Was it a good name? Did it fit right? “I don’t know about that one.” Fundy just nodded and continued scrolling on his phone.
“Hey what about Hazel?” Eret pointed to the name on their computer.
Wilbur scrunched up her nose at that. “It sounds like a gremlin child’s name.”
Eret chuckled at that. “How?”
Wilbur just shrugged. “Seems like a name a baby gremlin would pick.”
Fundy giggled from his spot in the corner. “That makes no sense!”
Wilbur smiled and pointed over to him. “Well your way of picking a name is shit! They're all so common.”
Fundy put up his hands in surrender. “Hey don’t blame me! It’s been awhile since I had to do something like this!” Eret turned there computer to face Wilbur.
She looked over at the screen. “What about Willow?” Willow sounds nice.
“Sounds like a tree.” The room filled with laughter and giggles.
“Okay, okay fair.” Eret smiled as he scrolled past the name. They spent another hour looking up names before giving up for the night. They all cuddled together on Fundy’s bed.
Wilbur still had an hour before she had to go home. “It’s weird.” Eret turned to her on the bed. Fundy just kept staring at the ceiling. “I found out I was trans like yesterday. And just now I was looking at names.”
Eret chuckled as he moved hair out of her face. “Seems unreal huh. Having a name for what you were going through.” Wilbur just nodded. A smile on her face.
”It’s kinda scary.” Eret hummed in understanding. But no sound came from the right of them.
Wilbur turned her head to the side. Seeing Fundy breathing in and out heavily. He was clutching his chest. “Fundy, you okay?” Wilbur sat up on the bed. Eret turned to see what was up.
Fundy just waved them off. “Ya, fine.”
“Don’t fucking beleave you.” Eret replied pointing at their shorter friend.
Fundy closed his eyes. Trying to breathe. Wait, why was he having trouble breathing? “It’s just my binder.” He admitted. Wilbur then remembered what he said the other day. About squishing his tits down to lessen gender dysphoria.
“Why don’t you take it off?”mIt was a stupid question really. She knew why. She felt it. After talking to the other teen the day before she felt so nice. Then the discomfort came back ten fold when she went home. When her family used the wrong pronouns.
She knew why he didn’t want to take it off. Not wanting to feel the dysphoria. “I…” Fundy bit his lip. Eret got off the bed and went over to his closet. He quickly pulled out a big and oversized sweater. Wilbur couldn’t miss the trans flag that hung on the inside of his closet. She remembered when she first saw it. When Fundy had just moved here from his last town.
Eret walked back over and handed the boy the sweater. “I know you're over eight hours.” Fundy didn’t try to fight the man as he sat up and took the clothing. Wilbur got off the bed and left the room with Eret. Giving their friend some privacy. After a minute he opened the door back up. Now in the big sweater. They went back to the bed and sat down. Fundy fiddled with the hem of his sleeves. Wilbur couldn’t help but look at the orange head teen. It’s not fair. Fundy and you should have been born right . The thought stung. Like a hundred bees. It wasn’t fair was it.
It never is.
Techno wasn’t one to talk because he’s always been more reserved. But Wilbur was off. More to himself. He first noticed it after they got home one day. It was near the end of the week. Wilbur seemed happy and in a daze. Techno would have thought his younger brother was high if it wasn’t for the fact he didn’t smell like the stoner kids at their school. Wilbur was all smiles and talked about the school day. When it came to lunch he was more vague. Nothing startling yet. It’s when Phil started to talk that Wilber died down.
“Sounds like you had a good day. Hope you're not getting into trouble again with that L’manburg group you're in Will.” Wilbur just smiled as he kicked off his shoes at the door. Techno, being a decent human being and all, untied his shoes and set them up nicely at the wall.
“Oh me? Couldn’t be Dadza! Just strategizing with my soldiers.” Wilbur announces, a soft smile on his face.
Tommy scoffed as he pointed to him. “Oh ya! Then why wasn’t I invited!?” Wilbur went to say something else but Phil cut in.
“Boys! No need to start so early into the evening.” Phil chuckled out with his back to them. Techno was looking at his younger brother. So he noticed the flinch. The widening of his eyes. How he looked almost defeated by the simple sentence. How his breath hitched. But just like how fast it came Wilbur covered it up. Techno would have thought nothing of it. Maybe it was because of the little scolding. But it happened again and again throughout the night. Tommy and Phil didn’t seem to notice. But Wilbur was having a bad night.
That was okay! Techno had plenty of bad nights. He wouldn’t look too far into it. But that was only the start of Wilbur’s change. The next day he asked to hang out with Fundy and Eret. Tommy pouted and yelled that he wanted to go. But Wilbur was clear that he wanted to be alone with them. Saying it was “Older guy things.” And “Tommy you're too much of a gremlin. It’ll just be me, Fundy and Eret anyways.” Techno again thought it was normal. Wilbur wanted to spend time with his friends. Nothing out of the ordinary.
It’s when he came back home that Techno started to think a bit. Wilbur had a goofy grin on his face. Again like he was high or something. But after Tommy greated him the grin left. Replaced with a fake smile. That night Techno walked into their room. Ready to ask if something happened. Why he had to fake a smile. You know, like a good not-twin should do and ask. But when he opened the door Wilbur was already asleep. Cuddling his blue sheep plush. The plush that he only got out to calm him.
A week passed and it got worse. Wilbur spent more time with Fundy and Eret. When he had to come home he went right to their shared room. That blue sheep became like a cursed object to Techno. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like what it meant. But he couldn’t do anything but be there for when Wilbur said what was bothering him. He was never good at emotions. But he was a good rock for late night crying sessions. Wilbur, the boy who could brighten up the room was now quiet and reserved. More than Techno himself was.
Somethings wrong.