Chapter Text
From the slant of her eyes to the slight variations in the shade of her skin, Kaneki's knows his mom only almost looks like everyone else and that--in retrospect--this is the reason she has such a hard time finding work because he knows she's smart and has a degree and can do harder work than cutting up flowers.
It's not fair that she has to work for so little, just to provide for them and her sister's family.
When he tells her this, she smiles a tired quirk of her lips and says, "It's better not to hurt others, sweetie, but to be the person getting hurt."
He doesn't really get it, and he tells her so with a pout. She ruffles his hair, takes his hand and they go bake cookies.
They make his favourite--the chocolate chip ones with bits of ground lead and arsenic--and sit at the table eating together. His legs swing back and forth under the table, even though he's not supposed to be doing that anymore. He thinks he should have added more arsenic because the taste isn't tingly enough or spicy enough, but he figures he can do that next time when they make brownies.
She lets him have the rest of the cookies as she cleans the counters and packs up all their spices and tastier ingredients in bottles that go into this smooth wooden case.
He watches the next part avidly because it's cool no matter how many times he's seen it so far: his mom slots the case into the rectangular-shaped hole in the wall in one of their cabinets and then makes swishy hand gestures that cause bunch of panels to slide into place, resulting in a smooth wall.
-----
By the end of his first day of school, Kaneki thinks he maybe understands what his mom meant by her words:
He grips his mom's hand tightly in his own and doesn't want to let go. The uniforms feels weird and smells starchy, and it makes his nose twitch.
"I don't want to go! Can't we go home and bake?"
"Ken, it'll be fun. You'll make lots of new friends, and they probably have an entire library of new books for you to read," she says, bending down to eye-level as she does so. Lifting the pinky of her other hand, she links it with one of his and promises to teach him something cool if he gives first grade a try.
Kaneki goes reluctantly, sending his mom pleading looks as he goes past the gates. She shakes her head with a laugh and waves him on.
The classroom is loud and colourful, and it hurts his ears because his house and neighbourhood is usually very peaceful.
Homeroom is boring, but the lessons are interesting. They learn new vocabulary that he already knows and some that he doesn't. There's a long period where they're forced to make art, and his picture of his mom and their home would've been perfect if some kid hadn't stolen the crayon he'd been using.
He's too shy to ask for it back, and he hasn't spoken to any of his classmates yet.
Lunch tastes bland, and in his disappointment, he wonders if he can bring his own lunch instead. None of the foods have the soft crunch of his favourite metals, the tang of acetone, or the burning sweetness of acid.
Afterwards, his classmates jostle out of the door to play while he trails out after them.
Kaneki approaches a group of boys who look like they're arguing over who's going to be 'it' for a game of tag, and asks, "Uh, can I play too?"
They look at each other, and one of them shakes his hand while saying, "Tag! You're it!"
Everyone runs off, and he stands there a moment before chasing after the nearest person.
Whenever it looks like he's gaining of them, they seem to speed up, turn a corner and disappear--leaving him panting.
Kaneki isn't very good at running, and everyone else is faster than him, so he hides behind a corner of the school building and waits. He stealthily takes a peek and sees one of them laughing and heading his way--slowing down as he nears the corner, probably to check for him. With his arm outstretched and ready, he sprints around the corner and startles the other who grinds to a halt and tries to make a haphazard turn that tangles his legs together.
Kaneki's palm slaps the others shoulder as he says, "You're it!"
The force of it further imbalances the boy, and he falls down in a splay of limbs and scraped knees.
Blood wells up from the open wounds, and Kaneki panics and starts to cry. He doesn't know why, but the other's blood is coming out even though it's not supposed to. He's cut open his palm before and seen the way his blood just keeps going, so he doesn't understand why.
There's a crowd forming, and the teachers notice and make there way over.
Kaneki grabs the hem of his homeroom teacher's dress and asks, "I didn't mean to do it! What's wrong with him?"
He points to the boy on the ground holding his knee and crying into his other hand.
As another teacher approaches the injured kid with a first aid kit, his teacher crouches down and pries his hand from her skirts.
"Kaneki, you've got to be more careful. He fell, and the rocks hurt him really badly. Please apologize later, okay?"
"…okay. But why's he bleeding everywhere?"
"Ah, well, when the body's hurt very bad, it will bleed and hurt and then you'll know to get help, right?"
He nods even though he doesn't understand and doesn't try to correct her that that's not how body's are supposed to work.
Kaneki thinks there may be something wrong with him. Or maybe it's the other boy.
-----
"Sweetie, you're a little special in that regard, and there's nothing wrong with you. Other people are very fragile and breakable, which is why you and I have to be careful not to hurt them, okay?" She replies, handing him a acid-laced cup of juice, after he explained his first school day.
"Right."
"This means you can't share your snacks with your new friends, alright?"
"But, mom!" He whines. "I told you the school lunches taste awful! Your snacks are the best!"
Huffing a laugh, she pokes his forehead. "Thank you."
Kaneki crosses his arms awkwardly, cup in hand, and stares petulantly at the ground. "Will it hurt them? Is this an us thing too?"
"Yup."
-----
In keeping with her promise, Kaneki's mom chops off her hand a little above the wrist, and he watches in awe as it tromps around the kitchen table.
"Do I get to learn how to do that too?" He asks giddily, standing on his chair and supporting his body with his arms as he leans forward to get a better look.
"I'll show you when you're a bit older."
"But you said you'd teach me something awesome for going to school!"
She disappears and reappears with a locked wooden case, handing him a small key in the process. Her hand scrambles back to her, and she plucks it up and blows on the open wound.
Her hand looks and moves just fine.
"What's this?"
"Open it."
Inside there are a set of small, strange-looking knives and scissors.
"Mom, what are these for?" They're so tiny compared to the kitchen knives, and there is no way he can cook anything with them.
"These are your grandfather's old surgical equipment."
-----
He learns things don't die when he opens them up--the bird lays on his room's desk in a dazed and painless stupor, its belly cut open with jagged, unsure lines and splayed with a set of pins as the pink/red/yellow of organs continue to function--and his mom tells him to always fix them up after he's done.
"It's only polite, sweetie."
(Kaneki closes the wound and promises himself to look up how to properly stitch injuries. The bird chirps happily and picks seeds out of his cupped hand; it ends up nesting in a tree near their house, and he occasionally goes to feed it.)
His mom smiles and pats him on the head every time he shows her his projects and tells her about all the things he'd learned.
So cool.
-----
"Mom, mom!" He shouts, rushing to her sedentary form in their living room. One of his hands is clenched tightly, and he opens it up to show her the bits of his fingers he'd cut off in his inattention. "I don't know how to put them back. You did the thing with your hand, and I tried that, but it didn't work."
"Oh, Ken, what happened?"
Kaneki shuffles a bit, reluctant to say, but eventually concedes in a mumble of words.
"Iwantedtomakesomethingtosurpriseyouforbirthday…"
"Here, let me show you..."
They go to wash his fingers, which are grimy with flour. Then she shows him how to put them back and chop off other parts of his body.
"How about some ice-cream later?"
"With mercury?"
"Mhm."
"Okay!"
-----
School is out for the day.
There's a man standing beside his car, what looks to be a map in hand, and looking confused as his fingers trace an indistinct path.
Kaneki hesitates between playing with the other kids and helping the person, but remembers his mom's words and approaches the man.
"Excuse me, mister. Do you need help?"
The man startles, looks down at him and scratches the back of his head sheepishly. "Sure, kid. If ya think yer capable: I'm looking for this building. Ah, wait, lemme grab the address."
He opens the side door of his still-running car and digs around before turning back to Kaneki with a scrap of paper. The door is left open, and Kaneki can feel the heat from the car seeping out.
The writing is messy, but he thinks the man is looking for the building a couple streets down and left of the school and tells him so. He's seen it before, since it's near the park he sometimes goes to.
"Really? Lemme see…" he replies, "yeah, I can see what ya mean. I'll try that."
Folding up the map, the other male seems to come to come to a decision because he tells Kaneki to wait a moment, then hands him a small candy wrapped in colourful tinsel that he grabs out of his car.
"For yer troubles. I like to eat 'em on the road. Keeps me awake, yeah?"
His expression looks hopeful, so Kaneki takes the offering.
Throwing the wrapper in the side pouch of his backpack--his mom told him not to litter--he pops the hard candy in his mouth. It tastes sort of like the drain cleaner in his miso soup--a sweet-sour flavour that he likes.
The man stands there looking expectant. Though his face twitches into confusion a moment later.
Thinking he's waiting for a verdict, Kaneki mouths around the candy, "It's good! Thanks mister. And good luck!"
Kaneki heads towards the playground before the man can say or do anything else.
He sets his pack down beside the swing set, opens it and takes out the tupperware container for the brownies his mom and he made the other night. They're still a bit warm from being heated this morning, but he decides not to eat them right away because he's not hungry anymore.
Instead, he snatches a free swing a little ways away and ends up competing with this girl that challenged him to see who could swing the highest. At the highest point of his swing, he sees the man's grey car drive off.
They tie (after arguing about it).
Leaning against the supporting bars and sipping from his water bottle, he pries open the brownie-container again.
There's a brownie missing.
Before he can even wonder what happened to it, a teacher is in front of him and scooping the container out of his hands.
Sirens sound in the distance, and a crowd has formed nearby. From what he can see between their legs, a boy is lying curled up on the ground, coughing and spluttering, face turning a sickly shade. A lump of brown lies innocently beside one of his spasming hands.
He's hauled up and presented to the arriving paramedics; the other boy is carted of in a stretcher, and he doesn't see what happens after that because people in uniforms are checking him over and asking where he got the brownies.
Kaneki remembers he's not supposed to share and is stricken with panic by the thought of how much trouble he is going to be in.
They tell him to breathe, and he hears mentions of shock and panic attacks.
He doesn't want to tell them; he's sure bad things will happen if he does.
Rather than answer their questions, Kaneki babbles about his meeting with the man with the map and how friendly he was.
They look interested and ask him question about the man's appearance that he willingly answers.
He never gets to the part about the tasty candy before the adults give each other looks and nods, and they stop listening to him to go talk to the arriving police officers.
Kaneki repeats the same thing to the police, this time purposely forgoing mentioned the hard candy.
It's probably not important if no one wants to know about it anyway.
-----
The boy whose name he does his best not to remember dies in the hospital, and a school-wide assembly is held in his honour.
Kaneki slips away when everyone is busy to sit on the front steps of the school.
He quietly mourns the consequences of his carelessness.
No one comes to get him.
-----
His mom recounts all the stories of her childhood that night, and he feels a little better knowing he's not the only one who's made mistakes.
-----
His homeroom teacher announces that the bad man that killed their classmate has been caught and that he has done a lot of bad things before this incident.
-----
He finally finds the school library.
-----
The other kids avoid him after the Incident.
His homeroom teacher asks if he's okay, and he says he's fine and goes back to his books.
Kaneki doesn't want to cause any more trouble: he no longer brings any of the confections his mom and he bake.
-----
His apparent newfound reticence and bookish tendencies outcasts him from the rest of the class, until he's just the silent kid with no friends.
He tends to shy away from activities that can lead to injury and no longer plays with the others anymore.
-----
Hideyoshi Nagachika transfers to their class in a whirlwind of blond hair, wide-eyes and large grins.
The class loves him.
-----
Kaneki looks up at the sound of a thud in front of him. Nagachika sits backwards in the chair, aims propped up on the backrest, and stares. Their eyes connect, and his mouth quirks up in a wide smile.
"Whatcha reading?"
He startles at being talked to after months of silence and stutters, "Uh, um, Sen Takatsuki's first book."
"Never heard of him. Is he any good?"
"Her." He corrects. "The plots, uh, really good."
Nagachika glances out the window, the sounds of laughter filtering through the open window.
"You're always reading by yourself!" Nagachika whines. "It's break! The sun's out, and you're in here. Don't you ever want to go out and play?"
"S-sorry?"
"Ah, uh, no! I didn't mean it like that. Honest!"
"…okay?"
"What I mean is: I'm new and…" He pauses to scratch his face, cheeks flushing in embarrassment. "Do you want to become friends with me?"
Kaneki knows this could end badly.
"Er…"
"Eh, don't worry about it," Nagachika says sunnily, making to stand up after noticing his conflicted expression.
"No! Wait!" he blurts, "Nagachika, I want to!"
Kaneki is tackled into an awkward hug, arm outstretched to prevent Nagachika from crushing the book between them.
"Call me Hide."
-----
He starts bringing normal people baked goods for Hide.
-----
Kaneki is ten, and his mom is late picking him up from school. Their home is close enough that he decides to walk back by himself before the day gets too dark.
The door is unlocked, which happens often enough, but when calls out his return, silence greets him.
He walks further in to see his mom slumped over the table, a near empty glass of water and a pile of freshly cut roses sitting beside her.
"Mom…?" He shakes her shoulder, but her body is unresponsive. "Mom! Wake up! Please...!"
-----
People come and say she died from overwork.
While he thinks these people are wrong, he stays silent because he doesn't know why else she did.
-----
He stays out late with Hide, and they stare at a star-filled sky that doesn't stare back.
Hide laces their fingers together, and he squeezes his hand reassuringly but doesn't say anything more than what they've already spoken of.
There is a moment where Kaneki looks at Hide and wants to tell him about what he is, but he hesitates and they turn away to stargaze.
-----
His aunt sells his mom's house, so he packs his things and hides his surgical equipment and secret box of condiments underneath the neatly-folded pile of clothes in his suitcase.
Yuuichi, his cousin, tattles on him when he catches Kaneki standing on a stool, trying to pry one of the knives out of the knife block.
"Never ever touch those, Ken! Do you understand? They're dangerous. You could seriously injure yourself!"
His aunt doesn't let him explain how his mom taught him how to use them safely--that he's been using them for years--and sends him up to his room. He's grounded for a week.
-----
He convinces his aunt to let him move out and into a small apartment closer to his high school.
Her expression is relieved when she signs the papers.
Kaneki thinks he feels a little sad but knows he feels resentful.
-----
He unpacks the two wooden boxes--the last things of his family and his heritage--and takes to baking with a sort of manic fervour, revisiting all the childhood flavours he hasn't had in years.
The apartment is small and needs work, but he's never been freer.
-----
At eighteen he walks beside Hide and listens to him chatter on about joining Kamii University's Festival Planning Committee, Takatsuki's most recent book in hand.
They're going to Anteiku, an out of ways café with some of the best coffee.
"…and there's this pretty waitress at Anteiku. Is she the girl you're crushing on?"
Kaneki's ears warm, and he blushes into the pages of his book. "Ack, stop asking. You'll see when we get there!"
"Come on. Kaneki, some hints? Anything?"
The soft chime of a door bell sounds as they shuffle into the café and grab a table near the storefront, the transparent glass showing the slow traffic outside. The rich aroma of coffee wafts from the counter. They order drinks--the seasonal cappuccino that Hide's been meaning to try this month and a latte with a shot of expresso for him.
"So…?" The blond implores
"She not here yet. And no, it isn't the waitress you were ogling earlier!"
"Great! That means I can ask her out."
A TV set by the counter blares out the discovery of the remains of man's body near the Takada building.
"…fluid, which is thought to be the characteristic signature of 'ghoul' attacks were found at the site, and investigations are being made into what is possibly an 'eater' type.
"Here with us today is a researcher, Dr. Ogura, who specializes in the classification and characterization of these new killers..."
"Huh, how scary." Arm propped up and leaning his head into his hand, Hide turns to regard him, eyes looking him up and down. "You'd better be careful, Kaneki. With your scrawny frame, you'd be eaten instantly."
Since Hide is joking, he kicks him under the table and goes back to The Black Goat's Egg. He's almost at the climax.
And he's probably harder to kill than most people.
"Man, your reading choices are always so incomprehensible!"
"Hide, you don't read enough."
"I do!"
"Comics don't count."
"I don't just read comics. Give a guy some credit here."
"I'll lend you one of Takatsuki's short stories. They really…"
The door chimes, and Kaneki trails off.
"Hey, Kaneki, why'd you trail off so suddenly?" Hide asks.
Kaneki discretely points to the door where a young lady in a light blouse and asymmetric skirt walks in, the hair running down her back softly curled at the tips. "Look… her."
Hide grips his shoulders, pulling him forward. His head comes up reflexively.
"Kaneki, sorry to say this, but she is way out of your league."
"I know… but sometimes, our eyes meet, and she smiles. I mean, maybe…?"
"I bet she thinks you're a stalker or something. That dopey expression you're giving her isn't helping your cause."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not looking at her with a dopey expression!"
"I'm just saying!" Hide checks his wristwatch. "Anyway, I gotta get to work."
"See you later?"
"Of course, but first…" Hide stands and approaches the cute waitress he was eying before.
"Excuse me, could I get a cappuccino to go?" He turns back to ask, "Kaneki, anything?"
"No, it's fine. I'm still not done."
"Then one cappuccino to go, please."
She scribbles the order onto a pad of paper. "Right away, sir."
Before she goes, Hide asks, "What might your name be?"
Kaneki slaps his face in exasperation and is ignored.
"Touka Kirishima… sir."
Hide grasps her hands in his, making her drop the paper and pen. "Miss Kirishima, would you go on a date with me?"
Kaneki scrambles to pick up the dropped items, unbending in time to hear her reply:
"No way!" She slips out of his hold and retreats behind the counter.
"Hide, you idiot! Aren't you being a hypocrite here?!"
"But, Kaneki, I had to try!"
Kaneki leaves Hide to mope alone. Approaching the counter, he sees Kirishima is finishing up Hide's order.
"Sorry about my friend, " he says by way of greeting. "He can be pretty forward…"
She hands Hide's drink over the counter, and he pays for it. "It's fine. I get that a lot." She gestures towards Hide who is making his way over.
"Eheh, he's not so bad once you get to know him."
"I'll take your word for it." Her hand comes up. "Touka Kirishima."
He takes it with his free hand. They shake. "Ken Kaneki. Nice to meet you."
"Hm, maybe."
Kaneki passes the cappuccino to Hide, waving him off when he reaches for his wallet. "Aren't you going to be late for work?"
"Shoot. Gotta go. See you!"
Kaneki waves at Hide's retreating back and nods to Kirishima, who takes the writing utensils he left on the counter and goes back to filling orders.
Passing his crush's table, their eyes meet and her mouth curls into a small, amused smile.
"That friend of yours seems like quite the handful."
"He's, well, not so bad," he replies, surprised she'd even bother talking to him.
"I saw you reading The Black Goat's Egg. How are you enjoying it so far?"
"Oh! I've gotten to the climax. The precise choice of language and command of sentence structure really evoke the mood of the scene. You can really feel the pressure of the character's downward spiral into madness, don't you think?"
"Definitely. I believe I'm a little further than you, so I won't say anything more. But the way Takatsuki resolves the main character's internal conflict is truly masterful."
He pauses, backtracking a little. "Sorry," he says sheepishly, "I haven't introduced myself. Ken Kaneki. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Rize Kamishiro. And likewise. Would you care to join me?"
"Uh, um, for sure. Let me bring my stuff over."
-----
"I guess people do get lucky sometimes."
"Hide, what are you trying to say?"
"Nothing, nothing. Tell me more."
"Her name is Rize Kamishiro, and we're going out tomorrow."
"Good luck."
-----
The night is crisp and cool, and streetlights have flickered on, illuminating sections of the street in their off-white glow and casting long shadows across the floor.
"Are you sure you aren't hungry? You didn't eat much today." He asks.
"I'm fine. Really." She brushes a long curl of hair out of her face. "I had fun today. Thank you, Kaneki."
"No, it should be me thanking you. Today was really fun. We should do this again some time."
"We should. How does next week sound?"
"Definitely, so I'll see you again next week?"
Kamishiro tugs at the sleeve of his jacket as he turns to leave.
"I live a little past the Takada building, and I, um, was wondering if…with the recent incident there..." She covers her mouth with a shaky hand.
"I'd be happy to walk you home."
-----
Kaneki feels the chill through the thick material of his jacket. The night air gets colder the later it gets, and he wonders out loud if Kamishiro is cold in her thin blouse-skirt combination.
"No, the weather is quite clement tonight."
He tries to offer his jacket, but she declines with a melodious giggle.
They enter a side street almost to her house, and she hugs him.
"You know, Kaneki, I noticed you watching me…"
He flushes in embarrassment. His arms are stiff at his sides.
"…I was watching you too."
She bites through his jacket, into his shoulder, and he is too startled to remember that wounds are supposed to bleed. Kaneki stumbles back, accidentally tangles and trips on his feet and lands on his elbows, his jacket absorbing an impact that should be painful for normal people but isn't for him.
His heart rate picks up, years of fear of discovery coalescing with the terror of find out Kamishiro is a ghoul into this one moment.
He takes a quick peak at his shoulder and is relieved to note that the bite isn't visible.
There are light smears of blood on Kamishiro's face--far less than what he knows should be there, but she doesn't seem to notice this difference--and her eyes are a deep black. The thin curl of her lips is a mockery of her previous smile.
"Aah, a little spicy. You taste different; it's… delicious.
"Nothing to say? How about we make this a little more interesting, hm?" She crouches in front on him and gently caresses his cheek, fingers trailing along his jaw and down his throat, eliciting a shiver from him.
He swallows.
"I'll give you a head start." Her red pupils seem to shrink. "Run."
Kaneki stumbles on his first step, but picks up into a sprint. He doesn't want to test his physiology against hers, and the less she sees and knows of what he is, the better.
"This is the best." The words echo in his ears, in time with the erratic beat of his heart.
He trips--is pulled down--and red tendrils that are sharpened to a point poise to maim him.
"Don't worry. This will only hurt a lot." She says, all grace and beauty. "Now where to start…perhaps, your intestines? They must be lovely."
One of the appendages shifts positions, rearing back to open him up, and it won't hurt at all, but he has to protect the secret that he hasn't even told Hide.
His hands shift along the ground, one of them grabs something--a quick glance telling him it's a broken pen--that he stabs into the projection.
It breaks on impact, but he uses the distraction to scramble up and run.
He hears a soft laugh behind him.
Kaneki doesn't get far before he can feel the thick tendril pierce his side from the back and go out the other in a move that throws him into the fencing of a construction zone. The impact vibrations reverberate through this body.
"Oh my, don't die just yet. Human's are so fragile…"
Her heels clack against the ground loudly as she approaches and stop when she is a few feet away.
The steel girdles crash down with a thunderous roar before she can say anything more, her blood splattering an outline around her body.
So even ghouls bleed.
Kaneki glances up, to see if anything is going to fall on him too and gets a glimpse of a clown face before it disappears.
He uses the fence to stand and knows he needs to leave immediately.
He wants to leave her under there--is ready to hightail it out of there and let someone else deal with the mess--but he hesitates, remembering his mom's words.
"It's better not to hurt others, but to be the person getting hurt."
It probably applies to ghouls too. Maybe.
And okay, maybe he has some lingering affection for the woman. Even if she's a mass-murdering, flesh-eating ghoul.
Damn.
Kaneki knows he's lost as drags the remains of Rize Kamishiro's body from the wreckage--gagging a bit at the gore--and hurries home with a bleeding body on his back and the steadily rising sound of people hurrying to check out the scene he'd just left.