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“Hey man, thanks for a great practice,” Sawamura says, approaching the other team’s captain. The rest of their teammates are scattered around the gym, putting things away or taking care of various other after-practice tasks. “We really appreciate you reaching out to us.”
Nekoma’s captain, Kuroo Testurou, turns to him with a wide grin and winks. “I’m glad I did,” he answers cheerfully. “You guys have a few monsters on your team so it really was good practice for all of us.”
“Your team is really solid,” Sawamura agrees with a nod. “Playing strong teams only makes us stronger.”
“You know it,” Kuroo answers. “‘Sides, us queer teams have to stick together,” he adds with a laugh. “It would be great to see one of us win the charity championship this year.”
Before Sawamura can get out a word to respond in kind, Hinata is springing up between them and, literally, jumping into the conversation.
“Oh yeah!” the redhead says, his trademark smile beaming. “I forgot you guys were a queer team. Hey, is that why you guys are called ‘Neko’ma?”
Taketora, the mean-looking spiker with a mohawk from Nekoma’s team, butts in, his snarl out in full force. “You got a problem with guys who like taking it up the ass? Huh, shorty?”
“What, no! I mean, I…” Hinata is cowering under the force of the glare, retreating behind Sawamura and peeking out from behind his back. “I… I also…”
The snarl intensifies and Hinata yelps.
Suddenly, Tanaka makes an appearance getting up in Taketora’s face.
“You got a problem with our shorty?” he snaps, all but snapping his teeth in the other’s face. “You a homophobe? Go on, admit it. I dare ya.”
Then they’re being pulled apart.
“Why do you always insist on being so vulgar?” Nekoma’s libero, Yaku Morisuke, asks Taketora, shaking his head as he drags him away by the neck of his T-shirt. “Also, you’re an idiot. As usual.”
“Tanaka, this is really embarrassing,” Sugawara also steps in, dragging Tanaka a few steps away with hands on his shoulders. “We’re two queer teams. You’d think we could manage an afternoon without pointlessly accusing each other of being homophobes.”
Sugawara’s words seem to cow them. They both wilt with a sheepish look.
“Right, I forgot,” Tanaka mutters.
Sawamura claps him on the back with a chuckle and leads him away toward the locker room, Taketora and Yaku in tow.
“No harm, no foul?” Sugawara says, smiling up at Kuroo, dimples coming out as he tilts his head.
“I don’t know about ‘no foul’,” Kuroo answers with a wink. “Give it a second and those two will be having nasty hate-sex-” Then Kuroo cuts himself off with a genuine confused expression before he raises a brow. “Is it still called hate-sex if the two parties are just pretending to be hateful?” he asks Sugawara as if it were a matter of strict importance.
“Oh god.” Sugawara’s nose crinkles in disgust. “I don’t care what you call it as long as you don’t talk to me about it,” he says. “Tanaka’s great but he and his dating life are welcome to stay well away from my fantasy reel!”
Kuroo laughs before his expression morphs into something a little sheepish.
“Speaking of dating lives,” he starts, his hand going to the back of his neck before he runs it through his hair. “What’s the deal with everyone on your team? You know, who’s with who?” he asks. “Asking for a friend,” he tacks on with a wink.
Sugawara eyes him for a moment, amused. “Anyone, in particular, this ‘friend’ wants to know about?” he asks cheekily, thinking about the lingering looks he’d seen aimed at the tallest of his own teammates.
“Nah,” Kuroo says in a way that’s completely unconvincing. “Call it idle curiosity.”
“Uh-huh, sure.” Sugawara rolls his eyes. “Okay, then let me give you the rundown,” he starts. “You see, I have this theory.” And really… Sugawara loves any chance to share this particular theory. “When it comes to our love lives, everyone on our team can be described using one or a combination of four terms: oblivious, in denial, cowardly, or idiotic.”
Kuroo raises an eyebrow.
“You included?”
Sugawara’s lips curl into a self-derogatory smirk. “Oh yeah,” he confirms. “Because only an absolute idiot would still be hung up on a,” and then he raises his voice and shouts toward Sawamura, “cowardly, oblivious idiot .”
Sawamura looks back at the shout but turns away again with a frown when Sugawara waves him off.
“Does he know?” Kuroo asks, almost gentle.
Sugawara raises an eyebrow. “You heard the part where I said ‘oblivious’, right?”
Kuroo laughs. “And you don’t make the first move because…?”
“You can add coward to my column,” Suga answers with a shrug. “But it’s not me you wanted to know about,” he continues with a smirk. “Moving on, our tour takes us to the quiet-but-not-to-be-underestimated trio,” he says, gesturing toward Ennochita, Kinoshita and Narita, who are busy gathering stray towels and water bottles. “You can label those three as cowardly idiots.”
“Is that so?” Kuroo asks, curious despite himself about Sugawara’s theory.
Sugawara nods. “Ennochita, that’s our number six, see, he’s bi and he’s been dating this absolutely lovely girl for the past few months. He’s afraid to tell the other two, though. They’ve all been friends forever and he’s got this weird idea that they’ll think he’s been faking his sexuality now that he’s in love with a girl.”
Kuroo hums out an acknowledgement and nods.
“The other two?” Sugawara continues. “They’ve been dating each other for almost a year. They’re worried Ennochita will feel excluded when they tell him.”
“A year?” Kuroo repeats wide-eyed.
Sugawara nods again. “The really idiotic part is that, obviously, none of this is actually a secret. Ennochita has known about them from the start and they’ve met his girlfriend. The three of them are walking on eggshells around each for no reason and, despite the rest of us making very overt comments about it, they’re too stubborn and afraid for their own good.”
“Sounds like Yaku and Lev,” Kuroo drawls.
“Your libero and the silver-haired middle blocker?” Sugawara confirms. When Kuroo nods, Sugawara smiles but he shakes his head. “Nah, the way I read it, they’re more like those two,” he says, pointing toward Nishinoya and Azumane. “Oblivious idiots. And, in Asahi’s case, way in denial. Noya is just over the top and always extra about everything so it’s not all that surprising that he’s not noticing his feelings for Asahi are any different than usual. Asahi though… he’s so gone for Noya it’s almost sad. But he also has very little self-confidence and can’t even imagine his feelings are returned.”
“I’ll buy that the ‘so extra he doesn’t notice’ thing sounds like Lev,” Kuroo says. “But Yaku and Azumane are two entirely different stories.”
“You think so?” Sugawara asks, sounding almost smug. “Sure, Yaku seems a lot more upfront than Asahi. The way I see it, though… Same coin, two sides. Self-doubt comes in a lot of different flavours.”
Kuroo cocks his head as he thinks about that.
“You're good at reading people, aren’t you?” he says after a moment.
“Maybe,” Sugawara answers with a wink. “You don’t need to be good at reading people to figure out those two, though,” he adds, nodding toward Hinata and Kageyama.
Kuroo smirks. “Let me guess. Oblivious?” he asks. “Oh, and idiotic. Cause that seems to be a theme.”
“Those two are certified volleyball idiots. That’s all they see,” Sugawara nods. “They’re also basically married but they’ll be the last to know it.”
“Sure,” Kuroo says. “I know how that goes.”
“And speaking of idiotic being a theme,” Sugawara goes on, “our star idiot is our attack dog.”
“You mean, ‘tora’s future attack husband,” Kuroo grins.
Sugawara narrows his eyes. “If you’re serious…” he trails off and then aims a look at Kuroo. “Look, Tanaka is actually a sweetheart and he deserves a good guy. He is an idiot, though, who self-sabotages by always looking for a fight.”
Kuroo raises his hands in the air.
“I could say the same about Taketora,” he says.
Sugawara aims a wry look at him for a moment before nodding.
“So,” Kuroo continues, expression easing back into a smirk, “by my count, there are only two people not yet accounted for in that little theory of yours.”
“That goddamn theory.” It comes from behind them in a voice that is definitely not Sugawara’s.
They turn toward the sound to find a pair walking past them. Sugawara smirks.
“That said, you can absolutely put this one down for ‘in denial’,” Tsukishima says. He doesn’t look at them but points down at his freckled friend.
Yamaguchi frowns up at him.
“I’m not in denial about anything,” he says.
Tsukishima raises an eyebrow.
“What do you call it, then, when a guy is one-hundred percent infatuated with someone but keeps insisting that-”
“He’s just my mentor ,” Yamaguchi cuts in. He stops in his tracks and Tsukishima looks back at him, an eyebrow raised. “For the millionth time.”
“Uh-huh,” Tsukishima says, a smirk coming out. “In a world where ‘mentor’ means ‘the man I fantasize about every night.’”
“Really?” Yamaguchi says with a frown as he starts walking toward the locker room again. “You had to go there? Fine. Put you down for all four, then. Also, you’re wrong.”
They watch as Tsukishima aims an absolutely scandalized look at Yamaguchi before following after his friend.
“Did you seriously just call me an idiot?”
“If the shoe fits.”
“How? Just… how?”
“I don’t see you objecting to the other three, huh? What’s that say?”
“All four are obviously wrong,” Tsukishima asserts with an eye roll. “‘Idiot’ is the one I find inherently offensive, though. So if you’re going to call me an idiot, back it up.”
“Fine,” Yamaguchi says. “Only an idiot would look at a wholesome relationship-”
“Right. Wholesome,” Tsukishima interrupts.
“ Wholesome relationship ,” Yamaguchi repeats with emphasis, “and imply that there was anything untoward happening.”
Tsukishima scoffs and pauses again. “I’m not implying it’s happening,” he says, shaking his head. “I’m implying you want it to happen.”
“That’s completely… I would never…” Then Yamaguchi outrights stomps off. “Idiot!” he shouts behind him.
“Still offended,” Tsukishima mutters as he follows.
Then the two are out of sight.
“Way to go, Freckles,” Kuroo mutters under his breath.
Sugawara chuckles. “Well, there you have it,” he says and starts to head for the locker room himself.
“Wait,” Kuroo halts him in a hurry.
Sugawara raises a brow in amusement.
“All four?” Kuroo asks weakly.
Sugawara chuckles.
“An idiot to think love is stupid,” he starts, counting it off on his fingers. “In denial that thinking that is setting him back. Too cowardly to give the alternative a shot.” Then Sugawara’s eyes go serious as he watches Kuroo in careful consideration. “Oblivious to the idea that he’d actually like to give it a try.”
Kuroo watches him back with equal gravity.
“But is he…”
Sugawara’s eyebrows quirk upwards. Then he laughs. “Single?” he asks as he walks away. “He’ll eat you alive,” he warns before making his exit.
Kuroo takes a deep breath, eyes glued to where Sugawara disappeared.
“You’re really doing this?” Kenma asks, appearing next to him and looking up at him with a tired but resigned expression.
“You know I have to,” he says.
Kenma watches him quietly for a minute. Then he shakes his head and heads for the locker room too.
“Don’t screw it up this time.”