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Getting up has gotten harder, a lot of things have gotten harder lately. Dream has lost motivation to do anything, even the simplistic tasks take the most effort.
Sighing Dream just wrapped the blanket closer, it was probably midday judging from the lack of bright light coming from the window. The curtains blocking most of it anyways. Dream thinking that if he just closed his eyes hard enough he won’t have to do anything. He’ll be able to just sleep for as long as he wants.
The buzz on his phone woke him up, staring at a wall dreading everything. Soon enough his temptation to check his notification won out. Hand searching for his phone, dropping it half way through.
Sighing again, he seemed to be doing that a lot.
Rubbing his eyes and cheeks, mushing it all together. Dream sat up, back hunched in tiredness from lack of sleep or too much he didn't bother to care.
A hand ran through his hair, still subconscious of someone seeing his uncombed and messy bed hair. But who was to see it? Sapnap was visiting Karl for a few weeks, George in another continent.
Picking up his phone, he inspected the screen to make sure he didn’t crack it. He finally opened it and saw the buzz was from twitter.
God. Dream hated twitter and everyone who uses it. Then again Dream uses it. The endless cycle of toxicity to everyone was unbearable at times.
Twitter seemed to have wanted him to go check out this post. Apparently mentioning his name had gained some traction and likes, plenty of retweets as well.
Thinking it over if he wanted to risk his mental stability, (if he even had some left) just to check what was being said. A life revolving around social media couldn’t say no, and so he clicked on it.
The phone lagged a bit, opening the app and going to the specific tweet. Dream wished he just went back to sleep when he glazed over the thread.
More reasons why he was shit, and supposedly cheating. Random quips about why he ruined minecraft and he should just leave youtube and every platform to summarize it all up. The comments no better, people asking to just dox him, agreeing and some more shit to back the thread up.
The sting on his eyes was getting hard to hold back. Dream just couldn’t understand why this one fucking thread was getting to him so much. He’s read countless others, some worse than this one. Seen the likes they get and the comments no better. So why. Why was he cracking now. He knew that whatever shouldn't matter this much, they were faceless nobody’s. But now he fucking holding back tears for them.
Looking back at the comments, he saw new comments being posted. It managed to break the not so invincible wall he built when he first started.
And unlike the other times when he was able to go talk to Sapnap and distract himself or just to cuddle. Sapnap wasn’t here, Sapnap was with Karl. That thought brought out more tears from Dream, for all the friends he had he sure was alone.
In between his thoughts he had thrown his phone back onto his pillow. His hands and nails digging into his forearms.
Some scratching and drawing blood from the cuts. Dream was taking short and rapid breaths. Uneven puffs of air coming from him, falling to the floor he rested back against the frame of his bed.
Dream’s throat constricting had him gasping for air, and there he sat for minutes or hours. Gasping while his lips were being soaked with tears. Soon he managed to tire himself out, tears long dried up and empty his breathing became normal not long after. Dream just wanted to go back to bed.
He didn’t get up, he just sat there. Exhausted. Dream brought his knees up and tied his arms around them, rested his head on them.
The more Dream thought the more he started to think he could just fall asleep forever. The thought that he would have to wake up again and again had him dreading his life yet to come.
The idea of suicide become more transparent. Sleep was the only thing he could think about. And this gave him a way to sleep. It gave him an escape, one he desperately craved for.
Stumbling to his feet, Dream blanched himself with the nightstand. A look at his computer and what was laid in it just reminded him why he was doing this.
He walked over to his bathroom, thankfully in his room. Hopefully Dream would be able to find something or anything to get the job done. No matter how floridian he was, unlike his father he didn’t have a gun in his house.
That ruled out one way out. Rope, well he wouldn’t be able to tie it for shit. And so Dream went looking for his razors he had bought a few months back.
Opening the bathroom door, he hit the light switch just as fast. He’s done the routine for some time now he didn’t even think about it. Dream didn’t remember where he left the case of razors, so he sighed and began his way searching for them.
He checked the cupboard behind the mirror first. He kept his toothbrush and floss inside there. As well as a bunch of medication. The orange bottles gave him a more desired death. Grabbing one of the bottles he checked the labels.
Reading over a name that he’s forgotten how to pronounce, it was way past it’s expiration date. Chances of the others also being expired were high, thinking back he didn't know why he never threw them out. Hell, he didn’t even know why he had them but the one he was holding had his name on it.
Dream grabbed the rest of the orange bottles placing them on the counter. Making sure they didn’t fall before kneeling down. Kneeling down he checked the cabinet under the sink. Moving away the bottle of soap and cleaning supplies.
He grabbed a handful of rags and there he saw a box. A smile of triumph crawled onto his face. Throwing the rags on the other side he reached for the box. Clearing off the dust, he closed the cabinet door after him.
Sitting on the tile floor of the bathroom, Dream opened the box. It wasn’t new, having used a few razors already to shave and such. Dream saw there were four of them left. He hesitated, he knew there wasn’t going back after this.
After all the therapy sessions and promises he made were going all down the drain and into nothing.
Dream took two razors out from the box. The razors were left in the palms of his hands, eyes closed when he rested his head against the wall. The more he over thought it the more he started to like the idea.
“Shit.”
One of the razor slipped from his grip and had nicked him. Instantly he sucked on the cut to stop the bleeding. The metallic taste of blood hit his tongue hard. Dream realized he enjoyed the sting that came from the cut. In that moment he wanted more.
Breathing through his mouth Dream stood up. Swallowing he took all of the bottles in his hands, five in total. Moving towards the bathtub, he laid out all of the supplies on the rim of the tub.
Dream took a while, a little longer than what he would like to admit, to try and pry the child proof lids off the bottles. Pouring the almost empty pills into the biggest bottle. It barely managed to fill up the entire bottle with a mix match of pills.
In all the while Dream was taking his time, he was in no rush. The only person who would be able to interrupt would be Sapnap, and Sapnap wasn’t due back till next week.
Dream stopped when he thought of Sapnap. What would he think, they’ve known each other since they were kids. Was he willing to hurt him this much, was he this selfish to do this to him. And the others?
He hasn’t even met George in person, or anyone else for that matter. Dream will die without doing much with his life, not even the bare minimum of seeing his friends in person. He sat there thinking one side rationalizing that he should take care of himself first.
Dream should be able to live for himself and not others, but if he himself didn’t want to live did it count? Dream was doing this for himself, and wasn’t this self love.
Taking the empty pill bottles he reached over to the faucet of the tub. Turning the lever to cold water he carefully poured water into the bottles. Dream knew he wouldn’t be able to swallow the pills dry, and he didn't want to get up to the kitchen for a water bottle.
Placing the water filled bottles on the rim again, Dream decided to plug the drain, let the water fill up the tub. The cold water would feel nice, and help him relax some more.
Dream waited for the water to fill up before even thinking about the pills. The water first felt uncomfortable with his socks. Never being in a bathtub fully clothed was new to him, not long later the feeling receded. He went to go turn off the faucet to stop the tub from overflowing far too much.
The feeling of being clothed and with a tub full of water was different. He came to realize that this was pretty fun, smiling when he sank lower into the water.
Everything became clouded and numb when he was underwater. Every noise was muffled, his eyesight was blurry. Dream liked it, when he had to come out for breath Dream felt like he was waking up in the morning all over again.
Annoyed that all the things he liked had to come to an end so soon. Sighing he rubbed his nose from the water that went in. Sneezing he blinked a couple times to shake it all off.
Dream settled down from the rush of everything and reached for the full bottle pill. Careful not to touch the other water filled ones to not knock them over. Dream sat there, his hoodie soaked pulling him back under the water.
Whatever wasn’t under the water felt heavy, Dream looked and picked at the random pills in the bottle. Picking on out from the others it was a mix of blues in a capsule. Dream couldn’t recognize from which bottle it came from.
Placing the pill on the tip of his tongue, he wondered if he could even be able to swallow the pill. Grabbing one of the other bottles with water he sipped from it to help the pill go down a little easier. Once the pill was completely down from his mouth and throat, Dream realized how easy it was.
Gaining confidence Dream poured a chunk of pills into his mouth, downing the rest of the water in the bottle with it as well. There were some leftover pills that didn't go down all the way. Realigning the rest of the pills and drinking down more water.
Dream has now finished about half the pill bottle that was previously filled to the brim. When Dream didn’t feel any different he poured some more pills and repeated the process.
On the last batch of pills he started to feel a bit sick. The urge to vomit became a bit apparent. Dream deciding to just drink the rest of the water, he laid back down on the tub. Resting his head, the top of his hair was touching the tiled wall.
Feeling a bit drowsy, the world was swaying and blurring for him. Closing his eyes Dream wished he had turned off the lights before getting in the tub. Everything started to feel like Dream was under water again, the noise was muffled.
Dream still conscious enough, a hand reached out to grab one of the razors he left on the rim. Dream saw or heard one of the bottles falling over he couldn’t tell which one it was. Clasping around the sharpness the distinctive sting came to a feeling.
A small smile was on Dream from the release. Using both hands he maneuvered the blade to his left wrist. Putting on pressure, more feeling of the sting came about. Dream did this multiple times, enough to have trails of blood leaking down his arm.
Dream didn’t think he could ever feel this tired in his life before, somewhere deep inside him knew that he wasn’t going to sleep. That was unfortunately too deep to be heard.
Soon the world around him was becoming quieter and less important by the second. The darkness became the only thing Dream was able to see, and he never complained about it; he wasn’t going to start now. It would have been too late if he did.
PART TWO
Sapnap was half hanging from Karl’s couch. He’s been in a mood all day, unknown to him or Karl as to why he was being in a little pissy mood. He felt a bit bad for Karl, he’s the one that has to put up with it.
But Sapnap just couldn’t stop worrying, and that was worrying him. The worry soon turned into restlessness. Dream kept popping up in his thoughts too which was weird.
Karl was on the other side of the couch, painted fingernails scrolling through his phone. Looking down at his own fingernails, Sapnap also having painted nails, Karl being a bit persistent on letting him paint them.
This morning Sapnap had gotten a call from the airlines that they had to change the flights a week early. Some unknown reason they wouldn’t budge as to explaining why.
Sliding off the couch, Sapnap decided to sit up on the floor and looked up to Karl.
“Yes, Sappitus Napitus?” Karl put down his phone and laid on the couch face first. Sapnap chuckling at the position and muffled words.
“I have to pack but I don’t want to.” Sapnap tried his best to give puppy eyes and match the level of Karl’s puppy eyes.
“Mhmm, and what else.” Karl’s words were still muffled from the cushion so Sapnap's puppy eyes weren’t seen. But Karl was smiling and he could practically hear the puppy's eyes.
“Pack for me?”
“No, sucks to be you.”
Before Sapnap could even answer Karl was talking again. “Nope don’t even say it.”
Sapnap gave him an offending look, feinting a hurt look.
“You didn’t know what I was going to say.” Karl raised his face from the couch to give him a look of ‘you and i both know that’s not true’
Pursing his lips, Sapnap waved him off and started to get up. Stretching, he popped his neck and back.
“Fine then.” Sapnap didn’t hear a response, he just kept walking to the guest bedroom he was staying at. Sighing at the work he had to do
Sapnap was half asleep when he got up at 5:00 in the morning just to catch his plane. Karl hadn’t even changed out of his Pajamas when he drove the other to the airport. At least Karl had the nicety to get out the car to hug and give Sapnap a goodbye. The both of them were going to miss each other. Sapnap had actually had a great time meeting Karl and some other people as well.
Sapnap was in his white hoodie with a baseball cap, he went to go and sit and wait for his plane. Getting there a bit earlier than what was needed. Trying not to fall asleep again, he went to go and scroll through his social media.
Cursing at himself Sapnap had finally remembered that he never texted Dream about coming back a whole week early. He thought about texting him now but decided against it. He didn't know what time it would be over there but Sapnap guessed night time.
He just reasoned he’ll just get an uber for a ride back home, it’s not like he had to ask Dream if he could come back home.
Sapnap shrugged and went to go scroll through twitter, remembering one of the rants Dream had once about twitter.
There Sapnap saw one of the posts get a bit of attention, frowning he saw that it was a bunch of Dream slander. All the negative responses to Dream, it was all about his friend it managed to dampen his mood quite a bit. Shutting off his phone he looked over to when he could board the plane.
At the moment coincidentally they finally announced his plane.
It was about halfway through the plane ride, Sapnap was more anxious than ever. His leg couldn’t fucking stop bouncing. Annoyed at it all he looked through the window, sky, sky and some more sky.
Thankfully he was the only person on the row, so he had more than enough space for himself. Reaching for his backpack he pulled out his headphones and plugged them into his phone, he downloaded some music not long ago so he was pretty much set.
Landing, Sapnap felt like he had to get home like right now. The worry was now far too lasting for it to be normal. He swears he never felt like these people could walk any slower. And don’t get him started on how long his luggage took to appear.
There just wasn’t enough time.
Sapnap placed a call for an uber, which gave him an estimated time. Which wasn’t that long, Sapnap was thankful.
When Dream didn't answer Sapnaps call, he felt like he could finally place all of his worry into that. Sapnap's phone had given him a notification from twitter and abasemently clicked on it, it was the same tweet he saw earlier only now it had a lot more likes and retweets.
Pocketing his phone he just went to go to his uber that claimed it was here. Sitting in the car, Sapnap had already given the man directions to his and Dream’s house.
When Dream never responded to his calls or texts, hell he never even saw them. Sapnap could feel the rush of anxiety coursing through him. Biting his lip Sapnap had to physically stop his knee from bouncing so much.
It was about a 15 minute drive from the airport back to his house and he felt hours pass. The everyday traffic also took play by slowing him down.
Playing and fidgeting with his hands he tried to find something to distract himself, Twitter was already a no go. As well as any other type of social media.
When the diver finally slowed down in front of his house, Sapnap could literally jump out of the car. Thanking the driver he grabbed his bags from the trunk, he didn’t care about being careful at the moment.
Rushing to the front door he pulled out the house keys he had ready in the car. Pushing open the door with his shoulder, he threw his bags to the side. Sapnap stayed quiet listening for any sound in the house. All the lights were off, the sun coming from the windows illuminating some parts of the living room and kitchen.
“Dream?” Sapnap asked into the dark house. When he heard no response or any kind of movement he took fast steps to the stairs. There he called again.
And so there was no answer he took the stairs two at a time, wasting no time to be quiet. His footsteps were stomps towards Dream’s room.
Sapnap still had the courtesy to give a short knock before barging into the room. Maybe in another life Dream would be sitting in his desk with headphones on, questioning Sapnap on what he was doing. Instead he was met with a room shrouded in the dark.
Sapnap did a quick survey of the empty room, artificial light came from under the bathroom door. And Sapnap begged that Dream was just in the bathroom doing normal business.
Heading over to the bathroom door, he checked the knob and felt that it was unlocked. A shot of fear coursed through him. All care going down the faucet he banged the door open.
There he saw a fallen orange bottle with others lingering on the rim of the bathtub. A bathtub full of water and Dream in it. The only color that took all of Sapnap’s attention, red and orange, Dream’s clothes were a darker shade making things blend together. But maybe it was the tears forming in his eyes instead.
Sapnap didn’t realize he was gasping until he felt like his lungs were drowning. His feet slipped on his way to Dream’s side, grasping the edge of the bathtub he grabbed a fist full of Dream’s hoodie, wet to the core.
A mantra or denial ran through his lips, ‘no’s and Dream’ the only words he felt like he could think or speak of. A part of his knee started to get soaked and when Sapnap looked down in confusion. His knee had laid in a pool of blood, not fully dried yet.
Following the drip from where the pool had gained, the blood coming from the outstretched arm and wrist that was limp over the side of the bathtub.
Sapnap falling backwards, hands keeping him from keeping him from hitting his head. Gaining some semblance of balance he fumbled to pull out his phone from his pocket. His hands shook on the number pad on who to dial.
He remembered that 911 was the most common and best to call, on the other hand he wanted to call George, hell even Karl. He didn’t know what the Fuck to do. He didn’t fucking know.
His rational side took over, and looking through the blurriness of his eyes he called 911. Putting the phone to his ear he heard it ring for a short while. A beep than a voice came from the speaker.
“This is 911, what is your emergency?”
Wiping his tears, Sapnap tried to clear his throat. “I need help, please. M- My friend he- blood and pill bottles, I- I can’t”
The person on the other seemed to take over when they heard Sapnap stumbling over his words in shock.
“Sir, I’m sending an ambulance, I need you to take a deep breath.”
His whole body felt like it couldn’t stop shaking, eyes were streaming down with no stop. No matter how much he tried to take in air gasping for any type of air it never felt enough. The voice on the other side of the phone became unimportant and he hung up on it.
The sirens of the ambulance were becoming more apparent and Sapnap started to rush downstairs. He stood there waiting still ansty while he saw the two medic pull out a stretcher while another one came to meet him at the door.
Sapnap led him upstairs and stopped at the front of the bathroom, he still had a full view on what was happening. The medic was doing a full check on Dream, when he got to check the pulse he stopped.
Sapnap was tempted to yell at the paramedic, why had he stopped! Dream needed help he was supposed to help. Why wasn’t he helping?
When the medic just looked over to Sapnap, eyes filled with pity. Sapnap could feel something crack completely. Sapnap’s eyes wide with disbelief and shock, the tears that stopped came out once again this time a bit slower.
He wrapped his arms around him, he remembered when Dream used to hug him when he felt down about something. All Sapnap could think about was the warm arms that used to give him comfort. Falling on the floor, Sapnap just clung tighter to himself.