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TK’s brain is still foggy with sleep and it takes embarrassingly long until he realises that it is his phone that is ringing.
With some slight fumbling he pulls out his phone from the pocket of his pants as he heads down the stairs.
”Grace, hi,” he greets as he accepts the call, rubbing his eyes with his free hand.
”Did you just wake up?” Grace laughs, brightly and warmly.
“Yeah,” TK murmurs, his voice still hoarse from sleep. He tries to fight off a persistent yawn, but it is futile.
“Is Carlos with you?”
“He is here—somewhere,” he replies, unhelpfully.
To be fair, he knows Carlos is home. He hear the shower run when he woke up, but it took a while for him to get out of the bed and he isn’t sure if Carlos already slipped to downstairs. Neither of their shifts are staring any time soon.
“Is this about the wedding?” He half-grunts.
He cannot come up with many reasons why Grace would be calling him before eight on a Wednesday morning and she doesn’t sound like something terrible would have happened, which leaves him with only one guess and that is their wedding.
Their friends were nothing but happy and overjoyed when they told them that they got engaged. If anything, they were mostly surprised that it took them so long to get their act together, Judd’s words, not his. Among all the celebrations and support, Grace started to ask more and more questions about which kind of wedding they wanted to have and somehow, she ended up being akin to a wedding planner.
TK doesn’t mind. It’s nice to know their friends and family share their happiness, and he loves Grace. Carlos has known her for longer and TK knows they have grown even closer during the last few years. Besides, in his humble opinion, Grace is the best person anyone could ask for help to organize a wedding.
She listens to them, and it is weird how accurately she can guess which kind of flowers and color choices they would love. Sometimes, it makes TK feel oddly seen and known. Grace doesn’t put up with nonsense and she gets things done with admirable efficiency.
TK briefly wonders if the secret of her efficiency is the early morning phone calls that she keeps bombarding them with. The kitchen is empty, but the coffee pot is full and hot.
“You could sound a little more happier when talking about your own wedding, Strand,” she deadpans, “it is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.”
“I haven’t had coffee yet,” he retorts matter-of-factly, manoeuvring to pour coffee into a large mug while holding his phone between his shoulder and ear. “Also, I think the happiest day of my life was when Carlos told me he loves me.”
“He tells you that every day.”
“Exactly,” TK murmurs fondly. He takes his phone back into his hand and takes a first tentative sip of his coffee. It instantly makes him feel slightly better.
Before he has the chance to say anything else to Grace, Carlos appears from the upstairs. His curls are still damp from the shower and he is wearing old sweatpants and plain white t-shirt. He raises his eyebrows questioningly when he spots the phone against his ear.
TK quickly mouths Grace and wedding, but then he realises that there is no point of doing that. It’s a call they should be both on. He wants to blame his sleep deprived brain for not realising it sooner.
“I’m gonna put you on speaker,” he tells her, placing the phone on the kitchen counter. TK takes a bigger gulp of coffee as Carlos walks up to him. He presses a soft kiss on his temple before leaning closer to the phone.
“Hey Grace.”
“Hey, your groom sounds very unenthusiastic about the whole thing,” she teases.
TK merely grunts again, as acknowledgement, but Carlos straightens up and glances at his still almost full coffee mug. “He’s fine. He just hasn’t had his coffee yet. What you wanted to talk about?”
TK feels a sudden pang of gratefulness towards his fiancé. After all the years of being together, it is almost too easy to take granted how well and thoroughly they know each other and not to appreciate the fact that they don’t have to explain every little thing to each other.
And he’s excited for the wedding. Of course, he is. They have talked about the wedding a lot and planning it has been sort of nice, but he cannot wait to actually marry the love of his life. After everything that went down with Alex, it was easy to think that a wedding or the happiness of this strength wouldn’t be something that waited for him in the future, but he was so wrong.
“Vows,” Grace declares, “are you going to write your own?”
They have been almost always on the same page when it comes to wedding decisions and it has been relatively easy and stress-free process. It has been fun to taste countless cakes, examine even more flower arrangements and visit potential venues. But he should have guessed there would be a moment when their opinions clashed.
“Yes,” Carlos says, casually, without missing a beat.
“No,” TK says, almost as decisively, simultaneously.
There is a moment of silence and they just end up staring at each other, perplexedly.
It’s a small thing, but TK wouldn’t have bet that vows would be something they would disagree on. His brain is still foggy with sleep, but he cannot say he would have put too much thought into vows. He just automatically assumed that they wouldn’t write their own.
Still, there is something unreadable in Carlos’ gaze and it bothers him more than he can put into words. TK reaches to take his hand into his. He slowly intertwines their fingers.
“Okay,” Grace chuckles, “let me know when you make up your mind.”
She disconnects the call before either one of them has a change to protest.
“You should drink your coffee first,” Carlos says, gently, but he doesn’t quite look at him when he speaks.
“I can multitask,” he argues, taking another sip of his coffee. His morning coffee might be a sacred thing for him, but he still knows to prioritize and currently, the coffee is on the second place. “We are not seriously writing our own vows, are we?”
TK almost wants to laugh as he says it, but something stops him. Mostly because Carlos seems surprisingly serious about it, and the last thing he wants to do is to upset him.
“I kind of thought we would,” Carlos replies, with lazy half-shrug. “I don’t think the cliches really fit us anyway.”
He has a point with it. Countless things have been said and written about love, but it still feels like their love is something of their own. Unique and nuanced, and it would feel little awkward and wrong to use words of other people to describe it.
“You’re right, but it will be terrible if we write our own because you will sprout love poetry of the century and I’ll sound like I’ve mashed potato for a brain and then everyone will pity you because I cannot love you the way you deserve.”
It is a bit of an exaggeration, TK knows it, but it is the biggest reason why he isn’t too keen on writing his own vows. Carlos has the almost uncanny ability to always find the right words to say, and TK loves it, but it sometimes feels like his own words fall short in comparison, even though he always means them from the bottom of his heart.
“I’d love anything you write,” Carlos reassures him, squeezing his hand, “and you’re so wrong. But if it bothers you, we don’t have to write them.”
If there is anything that infuriates TK, it is Carlos’ tendency to be too considerate of his feelings and giving up of something that would clearly bring him joy, just to make sure that TK is happy and comfortable. He knows it is only out of love, and sometimes TK is grateful he does it, but right now, it bothers him more than the idea of writing his own vows does.
“You want to do it, right?” He asks, placing his coffee mug on the kitchen island. He steps closer to him, right into his personal space. He cups his face gently but firmly with both hands and just studies him with his gaze as he waits for his reply.
“Yeah,” Carlos admits, quietly, but there is a tiny smile dancing on his lips. “I’ve always thought it’s—romantic.”
It’s hard to argue with it, because TK gets where he is coming from with it. Honestly, he doesn’t really even want to argue about it. It definitely means more to Carlos than he would have guessed and he will gladly give him own and handwritten vows if it makes him happy.
“Maybe we could do a compromise,” TK says, slowly, “we write our own vows, but we won’t read them in front of everyone.”
Carlos’ smile grows a little, beaming just slightly brighter than previously. “They’d be just for us.”
“Yeah,” he confirms, and his heart is dwelling with happiness just at the sight of his smile.
“I’d like that.”
TK kisses his forehead gently, before picking up his coffee mug again. “Me too.”
*****
TK collapses into their bed, face-first, as soon as he sees it.
“Ugh.”
“I know,” Carlos replies with quiet chuckle, but based on the way the mattress gives in as he sits on the edge of it, he is being smarter and actually undressing himself before getting into bed.
“I’m going to sleep for a week,” he declares, mostly against his pillow, and it comes out as muffled.
His exhaustion is bone deep. He cannot recall the last time he would have been this tired. His whole body is still buzzing, but his muscles feel weary and not being on his feet feels incredibly good.
“Sounds tempting,” Carlos remarks, but his voice is cut off by a yawn.
TK turns his head so that he can actually see him. He also fears that if he keeps his eyes closed for a moment longer, he will actually fall asleep. He follows with his gaze as Carlos slowly gets up and undresses his black tuxedo and loosens his tie before taking it off.
“Maybe not the whole week,” TK gives in, unabashedly checking his arms out as Carlos loses the white button up. Carlos looked incredible in the tuxedo, but in his opinion, he might look even better shirtless and in dress pants that fit him perfectly in all the right places. “It’s our honeymoon after all.”
“True,” Carlos laughs, as he kicks the pants off, too. He just leaves them on the floor, instead of folding them, and it is strong enough indication for TK that Carlos’ exhaustion runs just as deep as his.
“There are probably some other things we could do,” Carlos says, under his breath, as he collapses right next to him on the bed in his boxer briefs.
TK knows he should move too. He will hate himself for sleeping in his tuxedo but even the idea of moving feels too tiring.
The wedding was lovely and everything he could have asked for. It was small, but filled with love and laughter, and everyone of their loved ones were there, and it was all sorts of perfect. There hasn’t been a moment of today where he wouldn’t have felt bigger-than-life happiness, but what he didn’t expect was the drowsiness and fatigue that followed.
It shouldn’t be that big of a surprise, he guesses. The last of the guests leaved Carlos’ family’s ranch at three am, and Andrea and Gabriel assured that they would clean everything up in the morning and he and Carlos should just leave and enjoy the company of each other and start their honeymoon by some different way than cleaning up after their own wedding.
TK doesn’t have the energy to count how long their wedding party ended up being, but he spent most of it glued next to Carlos, eating, laughing and dancing. He wouldn’t change anything about it, but he hates the fatigue that has taken over his body and mind.
It feels like he cannot properly appreciate his own happiness when all he can think about is sleep. He feels a bit more alert when he realises what he has forgotten. He grunts as he pulls himself up and out of the bed.
“Where are you going?” Carlos asks, his voice filled with curiosity and amusement.
“Vows,” he grunts, as half-explanation and as half to remind himself what he is looking from his sock drawer. It doesn’t take him that long to find the folded piece of paper he hid there a few weeks ago. He undoes his patterned tie and just lets it slip to the floor from his hand.
“They can wait until tomorrow,” Carlos offers, but TK just shakes his head as he makes his way back to bed.
“Mmh, no. We’re married and you wanted vows, and vows you will get,” he tells him, as he shrugs his jacket off and just throws it to the floor.
He doesn’t bother to take rest of his clothes off yet. TK feels a bit more alert thinking about the vows, a mixture of excitement, love and something resembling to anxiousness spreads in his chest. He looks down at the paper in his hand, stroking it with his thumb before handing it to Carlos with almost timid smile.
TK’s sleep deprived brain cannot comprehend where Carlos pulled out his own vows, but he has a different paper on his other hand, and he places it on TK’s palm.
“Do you want to read them aloud?” Carlos asks, sitting up, but his gaze stays on him. His eyes are bright and full of love and adoration, and TK faintly thinks he could spend easily forever just looking at him.
“It ended up being more of a love letter, so you can just read them,” TK explains, softly, with a wave of his hand.
He also fears that if he reads them aloud, he will just end up slurring from exhaustion and that is not the way he wants Carlos to hear his vows.
Carlos unfolds his piece of paper, but his eyes flash up quickly back to him. “Aren’t you going to read yours?” He asks, curiously, as TK clutches the folded paper against his chest.
“I will,” he replies, without missing a beat, “I just want to watch you read yours.”
When he wrote the vows, the only thing on his mind was Carlos. He didn’t really think about his reaction to his words and ramblings, but now, he wants to do nothing else except study him with his gaze. It became clear for him that Carlos really wanted their vows to be truly theirs and he hopes what he wrote lives up to whatever expectations he might have about them.
Besides, he loves his smile. No matter what is the reason behind it, it makes his heart flutter, but his heart melts when he knows he is the reason for his smile, and he really hopes his love declaration makes him smile.
“Okay,” he whispers, a small smile tugging already in the corner of his mouth.
Writing the vows was challenging, but only because he wanted them to be perfect, worthy of him, and he had spent time on them. He has read them through so many times that he probably knows them by heart by now.
Carlos’ eyes move slowly along the lines of the text and he seems to be fully immersed in it, so TK just observes him, quietly.
Carlos,
I know your heart has been mine for a while now. I know you gave it to me years ago, maybe already on top of the hood of your car while watching the solar storm. I know vows are supposed to be about the promises we make each other. I’d promise you that I’m going to cherish and take care of your heart like it’d be the most precious and valuable thing I’ve ever had (and it is), but it feels futile because it’s something I’ve done for years and I don’t know if it is possible to promise something that is already happening. So, therefore, most of these promises are things that I’ll keep continuing to do.
I almost wrote that I should start with the obvious ones, but I don’t think those exist. I don’t want them to exist. So, first one, I’m not going take you, your love or any of this as granted. You mean too much to me for that to ever happen and every day I get to spend with you makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world. Secondly, I will always be there for you. No matter what happens, you’ll have me in your corner. Thirdly, I’ll always make sure you know just how loved you are. Fourthly, I try to give you as much love and happiness you’ve given me.
And you’ve given me so much of it. Years ago, I said you showed me it was okay to open up my heart again. But that’s not the only thing you’ve done for me. You also proved that it was okay to fill my heart with people and love again. And that’s exactly what I’ve done.
When I came to Texas, I told you that everything was grey and I just wanted to feel something, anything really. I probably would have never believed back then how much my life would change and that you’d become my husband. Yet here we are and I see colors again, and they are more vibrant than ever and truly alive. You’ve made me appreciate the colors more than before.
People keep comparing love to fire and burning. I think they are wrong. Sure, there are sparks and electricity. But fire is not a gentle thing. Fire burns and destroys. Love should be the opposite of it. At least I think ours is.
If I had to compare this to a force of nature (because it is one) I’d say it is a gentle breeze. I can always feel it, even when I cannot see it. Just because it’s invisible and intangible, doesn’t mean it’d not be real. It’s gentle, warm and feels amazing, just like a breeze. It makes me feel better and surrounds me completely, just like a breeze. It’s indefatigable, it won’t run out and there’s endless supply of it, just like our love.
I will love you until the stars go out (that’s a promise, too).
Carlos’ expression is almost unreadable because his eyes are cast down on the paper he holds in his hands and he is biting his lower lip. TK doesn’t even realise Carlos is crying until one of the tears escapes the corner of his eye and drops on the paper, causing a small stain to form in the bottom corner of it.
“Is it that bad or are those happy tears--?” TK asks, jokingly, but also because the silence is sort of deafening and he hasn’t been able to shake off that fear that he might have made a disappointment of something Carlos looked forward to.
Not because his love would be disappointing, but because writing has never been his forte. But writing the vows had been sort of easy, too, because he just wrote down what he felt, and it was freeing to do.
“You’re an idiot,” Carlos tells him, with wet chuckle and he looks up from the paper, and TK’s breath almost hitches in his throat.
Only and entirely because of the look Carlos is giving him. His eyes are glimmering with tears, but the sheer amount of love he sees reflected in them makes him little dizzy. His lips are definitely curled into a soft and dazzling smile.
“You married me,” TK retorts, and it is practically the only thought his mind can come up with under his love-laced gaze.
“I did,” he breathes out, almost sounding as if he was in awe of that little fact, “and definitely happy tears.”
Carlos attempts to wipe rest of the tear stains away from his cheeks, but he is missing a lot of them. TK cannot resist the urge to reach out and trace the tear stains with his own thumb. “I meant every word.”
“I know,” he replies, effortlessly and with conviction. As if it was something that he fully and easily believes. He laughs little breathlessly and helplessly. “It’s—I just realised how much you love me.”
“And you’re only realising it now? Hours after our wedding?” TK enquires, amusedly and with mock-shock, but he ends up laughing, anyway.
“No,” he shakes his head slightly, “but this is like a tidal wave of love. I feel like drowning.”
TK is speechless at that. He is little pleased that he liked them, and that he could make him feel that way with just his words and that he could provide him with such a strong and all-consuming love and happiness.
He doesn’t dwell on the thought too long because Carlos’ lips are crashing against his. It’s a short kiss, mostly because they both keep smiling and it is making it challenging, but that doesn’t stop them from trying and it is definitely full of affection.
“These are great vows,” he whispers, when they pull apart, “I don’t think anyone would’ve thought you have mashed potato for a brain.”
TK just grins against the crook of his neck. He smells a mixture of sweat and the sandalwood soap he uses, and that smell easily holds the meaning of home.
“It was easier this way,” he says, slowly, “when I knew the words would be just for you.”
Carlos presses a kiss on the crown of his head and gently nudges him with his elbow. “Your turn.”
His heart beats little faster against his ribcage as carefully unfolds the paper. The paper feels thick but smooth against his fingertips and he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, exhaling deeply, before taking in Carlos’ delicate handwriting.
Ty,
You were right, writing vows is difficult. It is hard to put into words all the things I want to promise to you because honestly, I kind of want to promise the world for you, but that might not be possible, because I want to keep my promises, so I’ll promise you something smaller but equally important.
I promise that you don’t have to deal with anything alone anymore. We’ve been a team for years by now and I don’t think we have morphed into one, but we complement each other. Make each other more. None of us are perfect, but I’d not change a thing about you. I know you, your strengths and flaws, and I love you. Unconditionally. Simple as that.
I promise to always be there for you. Whether it is to share your laughter or your grief. I promise to always listen to you and take you into consideration with everything I do. I promise to love you with my whole heart.
Regarding our earlier discussion about the vows, you love me exactly as I deserve and really, it’s one of my greatest privileges to be loved by you and to get to love you back. On the risk of sounding like absolute cliché, I was drawn to you the moment I saw you. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was just up to chance and luck, maybe my heart recognised yours. Still, I think I’ve been slowly falling for you since that night. There’s no denying that I’m in love, but I still haven’t stopped falling.
You keep saying that I, somehow, always know what to say, but that isn’t true. Right now, I cannot think of a word that would accurately describe what I feel. Plain happiness doesn’t cover the magnitude of it. It is so much more than that, but there isn’t a word that goes that far beyond happiness. Yet, that is how you make me feel. Even a fraction of that happiness would last me a lifetime. It feels unbelievable that I get to have all of that and I’m counting my blessings every day. When I slip that wedding ring on your finger, I’ll make it my mission in life to make you feel, at least, the same amount of happiness, if not more.
I once heard that the secret to a happy marriage is to make the other person’s happiness more important than own. Personally, I think that’s a terrible advice. Not because my happiness would be more important, but because I believe that when you love someone, your happiness becomes entangled. Your happiness is mine and vice versa. And I promise to cherish both of them.
Lastly, I promise to always choose you. Every day and forever.
Maybe his eyes feel wet too, and few tears manage to fall, but he cannot help but smile widely and genuinely at the small piece of paper. He glances at Carlos, and before he can think of anything else, he kisses him hard. Hard enough to make him lose his balance and push him against the mattress.
TK ends up lying on top of him and it is a slow kiss, but it ends up being a series of slow and gentle kisses. His lips are warm against his and he cups his face with one hand, caressing the side of his face gently and letting his other hands’ fingertips run up and down his side, tracing his ribs lightly.
Carlos laughs into ghe kiss, but he is slowly undoing the buttons of his dress-shirt. TK knows Carlos loves running his hands along his body, skin on skin, roaming and gentle, but he isn’t sure if he is trying to get rid of his shirt because of that or because he just doesn’t want him falling asleep in it.
“Is it a proof that I know you if I knew you’d react this way,” Carlos chuckles against his cheek when TK pulls just slightly away.
“Maybe,” he murmurs, kissing the corner of his mouth once more before rolling away from on top of him, to his own side of the bed. He picks up the paper again, from the small space between them. “This might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read.”
“It’s only how I feel.”
TK just shakes his head slightly and fondly, as he stares at their white ceiling. “I get what you meant by drowning,” he muses, eventually.
It is surprisingly accurate. His love surrounds him, but unlike drowning, it is just pure warmth and softness. But it does feel like there is abundance of love and that it covers him fully.
“Mmmh.”
“We should do this more often,” he blurts out.
“Get married?” Carlos deadpans.
“Write to each other,” he clarifies, nudging him with his elbow, as grin spreads on his face.
“I guess we could make it a tradition. Write one letter per year, on our wedding anniversary.”
He knows he was initially against the idea of writing their own vows, but as he wrote them, he could understand what Carlos meant by the romance of writing them. All of the things he wrote in his vows were accurate and genuine, and he knows they are always making a point of saying I love you aloud, but still, most of the things in his vows, are things he probably wouldn’t have said otherwise. Some things are easier to say in writing, no matter what.
“Deal,” he says, easily, but he waves the vows in his hands, “and I’m keeping these.”
“You can pry these out of my cold dead hands,” Carlos murmurs, softly, but he places his vows carefully on his nightstand. TK follows his lead, but as they lie there, next to each other, quietly, he cannot help but think that despite getting married mere hours ago, it is exactly like any other night for past four years.
“Is it wrong that this doesn’t feel—really that different?” TK suddenly asks, breaking their silence. He turns on his side to properly look at him.
Obviously, he is happy, overjoyed truly, and the happiness is integrated deeply into his being, but there is such familiarity about the feeling of it and being at their own home, own bed, together. It is not disappointing, far from it, but he didn’t know to expect it.
“Should it feel different?” Carlos asks, kindly, but his eyes are immediately back on him.
“I don’t know. Maybe not.”
There is no reason for everything to feel different just because they got married and have golden rings on their fingers. The rings have not magically enhanced their love, because they were ridiculously in love already, and it’s almost comforting to know that maybe marriage won’t change anything about their feelings.
That everything will continue the same, but now they are just more committed to each other and to their life together.
“It’s a big thing,” Carlos points out, “but not much actually changes.”
Paul has been calling them an old married couple for a few years already. Not because they would bicker a lot, but just because the way they are. Aware of each other’s presence, always, and that their love is visible in everything they do, in every touch and every look.
“I get to call you my husband,” TK says.
His voice grows softer at the end of it. It makes certain giddiness rise up in his chest and the awe of being able to say it hasn’t faded yet. He isn’t sure if it ever will.
“That has a nice ring to it,” he agrees, the most brilliant grin on his face. It definitely reaches his eyes, and it makes his nose scrunch a little. “So does Strand-Reyes.”
TK plants a kiss on his shoulder. “Hardly our fault that we had compatible last names,” he quips.
“True.”
Carlos rolls to onto his side. They are just as close as before, but somehow it feels more intimate to lie face-to-face. TK sort of loves it. He adores seeing his smile and glimmering in his eyes, and obviously, he has seen both of them countless times today, but it still makes his stomach flip.
“There’s lot of practical stuff,” Carlos mutters, blinking slowly.
He groans. “Don’t remind me.”
Most of it has to do with paperwork and legal stuff. Finalising the change of their last names, chancing each other to beneficiaries of life insurances, updating their wills and tax forms. Most of it is boring, a big part has to do with death, and it is little more than morbid to think about death right now.
“So many forms to fill.”
TK pokes him in the side and he tries to bite down his grin, but he fails miserably. “It’s our wedding night, if you don’t stop talking about paperwork, I’ll divorce you.”
“That’d be another form to fill,” Carlos points out, casually, his eyes closed and an easy smile on his face, as if the state of their marriage would really depend on whether TK can bother to file for a divorce.
TK mock-groans, but it ends up dissolving into light and bubbly laughter.
“But you’re right,” he replies opening his eyes. “It’s our wedding night.”
“I—"
“It—"
They both abruptly fall silent when they realise that they started to talk simultaneously.
“You go first,” Carlos tells him, gently.
He drags his hand along his face, trying to gather his thoughts and somehow form a coherent sentence that won’t sound too bad or wrong.
“I love you so much and you looked so damn good in that tux, but I’m so tired--,” he rambles quickly, but this time Carlos cuts him off by placing his index finger on his lips.
“I was about to say the same thing,” he reassures, just as softly as before, and TK kisses the top pf his finger.
“Yeah,” he breathes out, but he ends up making a sound that it is a mixture of huff and laughter. “I can’t believe we’re mutually turning each other down on our wedding night.”
Carlos rolls his eyes, fondly. “To be fair, it’s almost morning already. We sort of – skipped the night.”
“Mhm, true,” he hums, as a response, “but also not.”
Carlos shoots him a quizzical look.
“We spent the whole night together,” he clarifies, thinking back on the laughter, hugs from their family and friends, stargazing under bright sky while eating and slow dancing.
“We did,” he muses, fondly and enamoured, “it was pretty good night.”
Maybe it didn’t go the way wedding nights traditionally go, but he wouldn’t change a single thing about it.
“The best.”