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It’s all your fault.
Semi’s fingers tightened around the guitar he was clutching.
It’s your fault that he’s gone.
Resounding shouts, splatters of deep red blood. A scream, his own.
I never even got to say goodbye.
The strings snapped, echoing in his ears.
And now you’re all alone…
__________
“Hey, Shirabu! Do you wanna come play volleyball with us?”
Shirabu lifted his head to glare at his classmates. Couldn’t they see he was trying to take a nap? Some people were just so rude.
“No,” he said, voice icy. “Go away.”
“Aww, come on,” another one nagged. “You’re the only person who can play setter.”
Shirabu stood up and slung his guitar behind his back. His classmates brightened, hope decorating their features. Did he relish the way their faces fell as he walked over to the door? Yes. Did that make him a bit of a sadist? Maybe. Did he care? Nope.
Shirabu walked down the hallway, a destination clear in mind. There was a towering tree in front of the school. It was a popular spot during the warmer months, but now that it was winter there was rarely anybody there. Shirabu took advantage of this.
As he stepped outside, a cold wind blew directly in his face, making him shiver. It was that time in the middle of winter, when the trees were bare and frost clung to the rooftops every morning. There was a possibility of snow, leaving the whole school hopeful for a day off.
When Shirabu arrived at the tree, he immediately realized there was already someone else there. It was a boy, a third year he thought, that he vaguely recognized.
The boy was leaning against the base of the tree, head drooping onto his shoulder, fast asleep. He had messy ash blonde hair with dark tips that was swept to one side by the wind. Shirabu’s eyes were drawn to what the boy was holding. A dark blue guitar with one of the strings broken was clutched in a death grip.
Shirabu sighed. He had come out here to rest in solitude, but someone else had taken his spot. How irritating. And he didn’t even have it in him to wake up the boy, who looked so at peace. He was about to turn around and find a different spot, but then almond eyes framed by dark lashes were blinking open, staring sleepily up at him.
“Uh, hi,” said Shirabu, kicking himself internally. He should have just walked away while he still had the chance. Now he looked like some sort of creeper who watched people sleep.
“Hi,” said the boy, brows furrowed slightly as he looked at him. But then he seemed to notice something over Shirabu’s shoulder, and his expression brightened measurably. “You play guitar?” he asked, excitement coloring his tone.
“Oh, yeah,” said Shirabu. “Do you?”
“No, I don’t,” said the boy. “But I’d like to.”
“Hm,” said Shirabu. He was itching to leave. Honestly, he should’ve just stayed in the classroom. Having to listen to his annoying classmates would’ve been better than this painfully awkward interaction.
The boy patted the ground beside him. “You can sit here, if you want,” he offered.
Shirabu reluctantly complied, settling his back against the tree and placing his guitar on the ground beside him.
“Can you play me something?” the boy asked him.
“Sure, I suppose,” muttered Shirabu. How had he gotten himself into this situation?
Shirabu unzipped the guitar case, aware of the boy’s gaze focused directly on him. He pulled out his guitar then strummed it lightly, testing the sound. After adjusting a few things, he began to play. It was a slow song, the mournful melody echoing across the courtyard. Shirabu was focused completely on getting the chords and rhythms correct, though he could still sense the boy’s eyes on him. The song ended with a final resounding note, hovering in the air for a few seconds.
After a moment, Shirabu looked up. The boy’s eyes were wide, and to Shirabu they looked quite sad. There was something melancholy in his expression, like the sound of the guitar had brought back unwelcome memories. But there was also a glimmer of something akin to hope.
Shirabu felt a weird fluttering sensation in his gut. The raw emotions on the boy's face were plain to see, and he felt almost as if he were intruding. But he also found himself drawn to those almond brown eyes, the slight excitement reminding himself of the first time he picked up a guitar. The excitement was a feeling that had faded away over the years.
“Can you teach me?” the boy breathed.
Shirabu frowned. “Teach you what?”
“How to play guitar.”
Shirabu felt his brow furrowing. He should say no. That was the obvious answer. He knew nothing about teaching guitar, he would probably be a horrible teacher. But for some reason, against his will, he found himself saying, “Yes.”
The boy smiled, a smile that lit up his entire face.
At the time, Shirabu hadn’t realized it. But, looking back, he could confidently say this was the moment he fell in love with Semi Eita.
__________
“Oooh, who’s this?” asked Taichi, a slight smirk on his face.
After agreeing to teach the boy how to play, Shirabu had learned that his name was Semi. Shirabu had fixed Semi's broken guitar string then taught him how to play a few basic chords. But all too soon, it had been time to go back to class. Shirabu told him about his band, and how he could come practice with them this afternoon so Shirabu could teach him more. Semi had agreed, and now here they were.
Taichi was going to be sent to an early grave.
“His name is Semi Eita,” gritted out Shirabu. “And I’m teaching him how to play guitar.”
“Wow, Shirabu, I didn’t know you taught people! I thought you said you hated teaching,” commented Goshiki from where he was sitting at the drums.
Shirabu sent him a death glare, which immediately shut him up.
Taichi was still smirking, that bastard. Shirabu really was going to murder him one of these days. “Well,” he said, far too innocently, “You better get to your teaching. Goshiki and I can practice that new song we picked out.”
“Yeah, ok,” said Shirabu. He turned back to Semi. “So, this is our band. We call ourselves Shiratorizawa. That idiot over there, Taichi, is our bassist.” Taichi raised a hand and waved lazily. “Goshiki is our drummer,” Shirabu continued. Goshiki sent a bright smile across the room. “And I’m the guitarist,” finished Shirabu.
“Cool,” said Semi.
“Well, um,” muttered Shirabu. “I guess we should start playing.” He was really out of his element with this whole teaching thing.
“No, no, no,” snapped Shirabu twenty minutes later. “That’s not where your fingers go. They’re too low.”
“Maybe if you started actually helping me instead of just getting mad at me, I would be actually learning,” said Semi, frustration clear in his voice.
“It wasn’t my idea to teach you!” Shirabu shot back. “You were the one who asked me. If you don’t like the way I’m teaching, then get someone else to do it.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he realized that wasn’t what he really wanted. He wanted to teach Semi how to play guitar. He could already see the passion that Semi had, and though he didn’t know where that passion came from, it was contagious. For a few moments, Shirabu had felt a spark of old excitement while playing, a reminder of how much he loved something that had been a constant in his life for so long.
Semi stood up, fuming. “Maybe I will get someone else to teach me,” he shouted. By now, Taichi and Goshiki had fallen silent, watching the pair across the room.
“I’m sorry,” muttered Shirabu. “I was being too harsh. I’ll try to be nicer.”
Slight surprise dotted Semi’s face. But that wasn’t anything compared to the shock on Taichi and Goshiki’s face. “Did- did Shirabu just… apologize?” asked Goshiki, wonderment filling his eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard him do that before!”
Taichi’s smirk was back, full force. “Must take a pretty special person to get Kenjirou to apologize,” he said slyly.
“Shut up,” Shirabu hissed at them. “Well, anyways, do you want to continue? Or are you going to find a better teacher?” he asked Semi.
Semi was staring at him, something appraising in his gaze. “No,” he said after a moment. “I don’t want a different teacher.”
Shirabu hated that he felt relieved.
__________
The next few months passed in a blur. The days got steadily warmer, and they never did get that snow day. Shirabu continued to teach Semi how to play guitar. Shirabu almost never gave out compliments, but he had to admit that Semi was a natural at the guitar. He still wasn’t amazing, that only came with years of practice. But he was easily at the level where he could play backing guitar in a concert for them. Which led to one of Shirabu’s current dilemmas.
He wanted Semi to join their band.
Shirabu had been thinking about asking him for a few weeks now. He ran it by Taichi and Goshiki, and they had both enthusiastically agreed. Goshiki loved Semi, probably because of the way Semi always babied him. And Taichi had also taken an instant liking to Semi. Adding Semi would only make their band stronger. And yet, whenever Shirabu was around him, he could never quite find the words.
Maybe he was scared that Semi would turn him down. Which led to Shirabu’s other dilemma.
Shirabu thinks that he might be falling in love with Semi Eita.
He started noticing it about a month ago. While watching Semi play the guitar, he found himself staring at his lips, wondering what it would be like to kiss them. Thoughts of Semi often plagued his mind throughout the entire day. And night as well. Shirabu had spent many hours laying awake, thoughts of ash blond hair and lips quirking up into a slight smile dancing through his head. He watched those long fingers strumming guitar strings, moving so gracefully. Sometimes, Semi stared off into space, a deep sadness in his eyes. Shirabu wanted to know what he was thinking about. He wanted to understand the puzzle that was Semi Eita. Shirabu didn’t blush easily. But around Semi, he often felt his cheeks heating up. Which always caused Taichi to aim that knowing smirk at him. Actually, without Taichi, Shirabu might not have ever fully realized that he was in love with Semi. As the thoughts and observations piled up, the more Shirabu tried to avoid them. No, he was not in love with Semi Eita. He was simply teaching him how to play guitar. Shirabu would’ve been content to go on like this until his crush faded away. But one night, while walking home from band practice, Taichi said simply, “You’re in love with Semi, aren’t you?” Shirabu had initially wanted to deny it. But then he realized that arguing was pointless. It was the truth, anyways. And Taichi was his best friend, he would easily be able to spot Shirabu’s blatant lie. Shirabu was in love with Semi Eita. And he had no idea how to ask him to join his band.
__________
One warm April day, Shirabu was sitting next to Semi under the tree where they first met. It was a rare moment where no one else was there, and Shirabu was going to take advantage of it.
Shirabu was going to finally ask Semi to join his band.
Semi was eating chocolate pocky, occasionally giving one to Shirabu. Shirabu felt his heart flutter every time Semi nudged him to hand one over. Sunlight filtered through the branches above them, casting dappled shadows across Semi’s face. On some days, Semi seemed down, never quite smiling and quieter than normally. This was not one of those days. Semi seemed content, smiling easily. So really, there was no better time to ask Semi to join the band.
Shirabu steeled his resolve and took a deep breath. “Hey, Semi,” he started casually, ignoring the way his heart was pounding.
Semi glanced over, mouth full of pocky. “Mhmm?” he asked.
“So,” said Shirabu, “I’ve been teaching you guitar for a while now. And, you’ve gotten pretty good. So… I was wondering if you want to join the band.” He picked nervously at his fingernails, avoiding Semi’s gaze. After a bit had gone by, Shirabu glanced back up, perturbed by how long it was taking Semi to answer. He looked at Semi’s face, and was met with a deeply conflicted expression.
“I…” Semi started. “I do want to join your band. I really do. It’s just…”
Of course Semi was going to turn him down. Shirabu should have expected this. He shouldn’t have asked in the first place.
“I was in a band once before,” Semi confessed. “And… I don’t know how I feel about joining a new one.”
Wow. Shirabu hadn’t been expecting that. He wondered if this band was one of the reasons behind that melancholy look that Semi got in his eyes sometimes. Shirabu did sense that Semi had gone through something sad. And he had always wondered about it. But he didn’t want to pry.
“Did…” Shirabu hesitated slightly. “Did your band break up or something?”
“Yeah,” said Semi, staring at the ground. “Yeah we did. After…” he trailed off, and Shirabu’s heart twisted at the sorrowful look on his face.
“Well, you don’t have to join,” said Shirabu, despite the disappointment settling in his gut. “You can still come and practice with us even if you don’t join.”
Semi was silent, a considering look on his face. After about a minute, he finally looked back up at Shirabu. “I… I think I will join. I really want to. And… I think it would help.”
Shirabu let a rare smile onto his face. “I can’t wait to tell Taichi and Goshiki. They’ll be thrilled.” He didn’t ask Semi what joining the band would help with.
“Yeah,” said Semi, a soft smile on his face.
But there was still that melancholy lingering in his eyes.
__________
Goshiki was ecstatic about Semi joining Shiratorizawa. As soon as Shirabu announced it during practice later that day, he ran up to Semi and gave him an enormous hug. Taichi was also happy, expressing to Semi how glad he was that he could join. And then he smirked at Shirabu. Murdering Taichi was still very much on the board.
Later while walking home, Shirabu heard a soft humming sound from behind him. It was a haunting melody, striking Shirabu and stopping him in his tracks. He turned around to see Semi, a slight smile on his face as he stared up at the sky. The humming was coming from him.
“Hey, Semi,” said Shirabu. “What are you humming?”
Semi startled, looking over at him. “Oh, nothing. Just a random tune that plays in my head sometimes.”
“It’s… really pretty,” said Shirabu, fighting back a blush. “Can you hum it louder?”
“Sure,” said Semi. He opened his mouth and then began to sing the melody. His voice started out soft but it grew in volume, until the last note. It was even more haunting, and Shirabu found himself entranced by Semi’s voice. As Semi finished, Shirabu just knew that his face was red as a tomato.
“You can sing?” asked Shirabu.
“Well, sort of, I guess,” said Semi. “I was the vocalist in my old band. But… I haven’t sung in almost a year.”
“Do you…” Shirabu hesitated. “Do you think that you could sing for our band?” They had played with the idea of getting a vocalist every now and then, though it had never been a too pressing issue. But Semi had a beautiful voice and a singer would be much more beneficial to them than a backing guitarist.
“I mean,” said Semi. “I guess I could. Though I could still play the guitar, right?”
“Yeah, of course,” said Shirabu. “We wouldn’t want all of that practice to go to waste. But, you could also be our vocalist.”
Semi smiled. But then, a grief stricken expression crossed his face and he turned away, staring at the ground.
“Semi,” asked Shirabu carefully, “Are… are you okay?”
Semi looked up at him, and Shirabu felt something inside of him clench when he saw the tears gathering in Semi’s eyes. But Semi quickly swiped a fist across his face and looked away. “I’m fine,” he said roughly. “Let’s just go home.”
“Are you sure?” asked Shirabu, still concerned.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” said Semi firmly. He started back down the street.
Shirabu watched Semi walk off into the night, and wondered.
__________
The next few weeks, Shirabu devoted himself to writing Semi a song. The tune that Semi sang had been stuck in his head, and Shirabu was determined to make a song out of it to surprise Semi. He stayed up late, paper scattered around him as he worked diligently. Soon, he finished it. He just had to get Semi to write the lyrics, as Shirabu himself had never been any good at lyrics.
Their band had a gig coming up in about a month, and Shirabu wanted to perform this song. He presented the idea to Semi and the rest of the band. Taichi and Goshiki had been blown away by Semi’s singing, demanding to know why he hadn’t mentioned that he could sing earlier. Semi said that he would write the lyrics to the song. Shirabu was pleased with how well everything was coming along. Semi fit in perfectly with their band, and the gig would be a perfect chance to show off what they had been working on.
Everything was going great. Though thoughts of Semi lingered in the back of his mind on constant replay, taunting him. Sometimes he almost blurted it out to Semi. I'm in love with you. Words that were easy to say in theory. But never in reality.
As the weeks passed, Semi still hadn’t written the lyrics to the song. Shirabu had tried to be nice about it at first, but as the gig date came closer and closer, he gave Semi more and more reminders. Which kind of exploded in his face one night.
“Hey,” said Shirabu, looking over at Semi who was in the middle of tuning his guitar. “How are those lyrics coming along?”
“I’m trying!” Semi snapped. “Can you please stop nagging me about it all the time? I am perfectly aware that the gig is in five days and I need to get it done. You passive aggressively reminding me every five minutes is not helping!”
The rest of the room had fallen silent. Taichi and Goshiki were staring at them with slightly agape mouths.
“What are you even mad at me for?” Shirabu retaliated. “I worked so hard on writing the song for you, the least you could do is actually try to write some lyrics.”
“I already told you, I am trying!” Semi shouted.
“Ok, ok,” said Taichi, getting up from where he was sitting. “I think you two are both just a little stressed out. Maybe we should call it a night and figure this out tomorrow.”
“Fine, whatever,” said Shirabu, still glaring at Semi. The anger was still there, but it was slowly fading and guilt was beginning to settle in.
Semi left first, Goshiki following slightly after, which left Shirabu and Taichi alone in the studio. Taichi was giving him that look that made Shirabu know he was about to get lectured.
“I think you should confess to Semi,” said Taichi, catching Shirabu completely by surprise.
“What?! No,” said Shirabu. “Didn’t you just see what happened? He obviously doesn’t like me.”
“No, I think he does,” said Taichi. “You don’t see all the staring he does at you. I'm saying this as your friend, Kenjirou, but you can be really fucking dense sometimes.”
Shirabu glared at him, offended. "I still don't think that he likes me, though," Shirabu muttered.
“He does,” said Taichi. “Trust me.”
__________
It was the night of the gig, and Semi felt nerves clawing at him. Really, he shouldn’t be so nervous. He had been in a band before. He had done concerts before. Maybe it was the song. The one that Semi still didn’t have the lyrics for yet. They were going on in five minutes, and Semi didn’t know what he was going to sing. What was he going to do, just stand there silently while the rest of the band played behind him? That was so embarrassing.
Semi nervously tapped a rhythm against his thigh as he listened to the final song of the band before them.
“Hey,” said Shirabu, catching Semi by surprise. “You got this.” He wasn’t looking Semi in the eyes, and the tips of his ears were red. Semi was sure that his own face was flushed.
The two of them had made up after their fight a few days ago, but there was still unspoken tension between them. Semi still felt lingering guilt for blowing up at Shirabu.
“Yeah, you too,” Semi managed.
And then they were getting onto the stage. Semi’s heart was pounding erratically in his chest, and the rest of the band setting up around him was merely a blur. Then the curtains were falling, and the lights were dimmed and a hush had fallen across the crowd.
As Semi stared out over the audience, a memory surged into his mind. Those bright eyes, shining at him when a show was about to start. That smile, so mischievous yet sweet at the same time. And that stupid hair, spiked up with ungodly amounts of gel.
The lights came on directly over Semi. The band started to play the opening notes of their song, and Semi realized how much he had missed this. And how much he wanted it back. And so Semi opened his mouth and let it all out.
Just like the shade of snow
That hasn’t completely melted
I keep living with these feelings inside me
Hey, with what words
Should I close the door on this love?
Your everything has lost its tomorrow
And now is wandering around eternally
Along with me
Who was unable to say goodbye or move on
Just like a spell that still won’t break
Or some kind of curse
I’m still holding on to some heavy baggage
Hey, what kind of tomorrow
Am I supposed to look for in this town?
The cold tears that fall
Freeze under the sky
They pretend to be kind
And around the time, they fall down my face
Two people who were always together are torn apart
That’s all there is to this story
Even if your everything loses its shape one day
You’ll always be here within me
As I try to move forward again
Even though I couldn’t say goodbye
You’ll always be here with me
As Semi sings, his bandmates look at him in shock. Some of the people in the audience are in tears, so deeply moved by his song. But this isn’t what Semi notices. The memories are pouring back, overwhelming him.
“I love you, Eita,” said Tendou Satori. “I’ll always be here for you.”
Always…
Semi saw Tendou in everything. The sugary foods in the supermarket, the street cats that strutted around like they owned the place. The manga on the shelves at the bookstore. The ocean. Every shade of red. Every laugh, every smile. And in the guitar that he had loved to play. The guitar that was one of the few things Semi had left of him. Tendou had always been there. While living, he was always by Semi's side. And while dead, he haunted Semi’s mind constantly, reminding him of what was no longer there. He laid awake at night, waiting for tears that just wouldn’t come. Tears that he just couldn’t cry, even at Tendou’s funeral.
Soft kisses and whispered promises. Shouting and arguing. Deafening silence as he knocked at the door. And then the blood, all that blood, all over the floor. That bright red hair, blending in with the blood. The blood that Semi saw every time he closed his eyes.
Why?
The question that itched at him, every day. Why had he chosen to end it all? Their argument hadn’t even been that serious. Semi thought that it was just something that would blow over.
But it wasn’t. Little did Semi know that what he said that night would be the last words he ever said to Tendou. To his best friend. To his first love.
Why do you always think you know what's best for me?!
He couldn’t say goodbye. He couldn’t let go. He couldn’t believe that Tendou wouldn’t be there when he woke up in the morning. That they would never ride their bikes to school again. That he would never get to see that slightly manic grin ever again. That they wouldn’t ever stay up far too late talking about deep things they barely understood ever again.
Why did you leave me? Why aren’t you here with me?
The song ended. Semi was vaguely aware of the applause, the cheering. He could feel tears sliding down his cheeks. Shirabu walked over and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, guiding him off of the stage.
“That was so beautiful,” he distantly heard Shirabu say.
And then warm lips were pressing against his own. Semi found himself leaning in, desperate for more more more. Everything faded to just background noise and he ran his fingers through silky copper hair. “Shirabu,” he murmured. “Don’t leave.”
“I won’t.”
After a moment, Semi pulled back. His cheeks were still wet with tears. "Shirabu," he said, "I'm in love with you." I'm in love with you. Those were words Semi thought he would never say again.
"I'm in love with you too."
And those were words that he thought he would never hear in return ever again.
Semi constantly asked himself what kind of tomorrow there was without Tendou. He couldn’t say goodbye, couldn’t let him slip away. Slip away more than he already had. But then there was Shirabu, crashing into his life through guitar lessons, friendly banter, and warm touches.
Shirabu, who gave him a chance at a happier tomorrow.