Chapter Text
Seated in front of his computer, Xie Lian waits. He wipes his sweaty hands on his sweat pants, wondering if he should have dressed better to be on tv. At that thought, his heart beats even faster that it already was. Oh gods, he's going to be on tv soon. But it's okay. It's just a video call, they won't see his pants, only his sweater, a classic white hoodie in which he's trying to hide himself.
In the other room, Xie Lian hears something falling on the ground, someone swearing, and someone aggressively whispering. It's a miracle he can hear them with how wild his heart is going. Maybe it's going to explode and them he wouldn't have to take the call. After a few seconds, Feng Xin and Mu Qing are silent again.
It's all their fault, Xie Lian decides. The one time they were agreeing on something was coincidently also the one time they turned Xie Lian's life into a mess. Well, not true. They always do stupid things that make his life difficult, but he's generally as guilty as they are. And it generally doesn't make him risk losing San Lang. Xie Lian can't even bear the thought.
But somehow, his two friends managed to convince him to contact Catfish and luckily (or unluckily?), his email was chosen and he was given a day and a time at which he'll be called by the two hosts and investigators, Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan. In a few days, he'll know. He'll have met San Lang in real life. And maybe his heart will be broken. Maybe San Lang never lied and will be hurt by Xie Lian's doubts. Maybe San Lang isn't.. No. He refuses to even consider that San Lang could be faking it. That he could be lying to him.
Panicked, Xie Lian wants to cancel the whole thing. He's perfectly happy like that, thank you very much. His friends are wrong, San Lang isn't playing with him, and they'll meet up eventually. When they're both ready. With a sigh, Xie Lian buries his head in his hands. Why lying to himself? He's happy with San Lang, but not perfectly happy. He needs.. More.
As if knowing Xie Lian is thinking about him, San Lang chooses that moment to send him a text. Xie Lian's phone's screen light up, and he smiles at his wallpaper: a drawing of a fox hugging a ferret. It was made by San Lang specifically for Xie Lian, so he never published it online. Xie Lian can't help but look at the text.
San Lang <3
Believe it or not but E'Ming just stole my paintbrush??? He jumped on me from the ground, stole it from my hand and ran away with it??? Gege, I want a new cat :(
Xie Lian can't help but chuckle. He wishes he could be there with them, seeing that kind of scene happen with his own eyes. If only San Lang would let him.. His smile dies, and he decides against answering right away. He's too anxious and he fears San Lang would guess and ask what's wrong. But he can't tell him. He can't warn him, that's the whole point. His poor San Lang is going to be thrown on tv without expecting it and Xie Lian knows he's going to hate it. But it's too late, now.
He imagines Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan doing their intro like they always do, Shi Qingxuan talking with excitement and He Xuan pretending to be bored. Shi Qingxuan would mention the show was born from his own experience at being catfished, and he would look fondly at He Xuan, waiting for a reaction that never comes. But Shi Qingxuan never mind that, he talks and moves enough for the both of them.
Then, they would pretend they just receive an email and read Xie Lian's letter.
Hi Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan,
My name is Xie Lian. My friends Feng Xin and Mu Qing convinced me to contact you about my boyfriend, San Lang. He's talented, caring, amazing, and really everything I ever wished for. Except he's 6h away from me and I never saw him in real life.
We met 3 years ago and we immediately clicked. I was going through a hard time in my life. I lost both my parents at the same time, and got in a fight with my friends. I felt completely alone and was in a severe depression. But one day, I was scrolling through Weibo and I saw one of San Lang's painting.
Remember when I said he's talented? Well, it's like his painting talked to my soul and expressed everything I was feeling. I checked his account and it was beautifully dark, haunted. I liked every one of his posts and finally cried for the first time since everything. Then, I felt relieved, as if maybe things could get better one day.
I was worried, though, because how must he feel for his art to look like this? So I decided to message him.
* * *
Three years ago
Xie Lian sits up on his bed, his body aching from the lying position it was on for too long. Too many locks of hair fall on his face, so he puts down his phone to redo his half bun. His hair itches from not having been washed for too long, but at least Xie Lian can't smell if his every day clothes turned pajamas stink. He feels dehydrated from crying too much too fast and probably also because he can't even remember the last time he drank anything. Oh well, if it waited this long, it can wait a little longer.
He takes back his phone and presses the follow button on Crimson Rain's account. The profile picture is a red fox, almost too cute for the rest of the account. Xie Lian likes it. Then, he presses the message button. The Xie Lian he was a few weeks ago would have been anxious about messaging a stranger, especially a very talented one, but the good side of depression is that it prevents him from feeling anything else than emptiness.
Xie Lian
Hi! I hope this isn't awkward, feel free to ignore this message but I just wanted to tell you that I really like your art. Not in a "oh, that looks nice" way but in a "wow, these paintings changed my vision of life" kind of way. Also I wanted to ask.. Are you okay? I know it's none of my business but one's art is some kind of mirror of the soul, right? So i just wanted to make sure.. I know sometimes life is awful but it can and will be better, I'm sure of it. Have a good day!
And before he can stop himself, Xie Lian sends the message. He immediately regrets it and considers deleting his whole account just to prevent Crimson Rain to see his message. But after a few minutes, it's too late because the message has already been seen.
Panicking, Xie Lian throws the phone away from him. What he can't see can't hurt him, right? He gets up from his bed and makes his way to the kitchen. His legs are shaking and there're black dots on his vision. He just has the time to take some water and a cereals bar before he collapses on the floor painfully.
Xie Lian waits a few seconds for the worst of the pain to pass, then he struggles to open the bottle. He's too weak. When the cap finally gives in, he drinks the whole bottle in one go, still thirsty. But he knows his legs can't carry him yet. He wants to call his friends, but he can't, because his phone stayed in his room.
After a new fight with the cereals bar this time, Xie Lian lies on the cold kitchen floor, waiting to feel just a bit better. When that happens, he gets up tentatively, leaning on the walls for support, slowly, until he's back in his bedroom. He looks around to locate his phone, which is still on the ground. He takes it with a slightly shaking hand and.. he has a new message. From Crimson Rain!
Crimson Rain
Thank you for your compliment, I'm glad you like my art. I'm fine, don't worry. Us artists tend to be a little overdramatic sometimes, that's all. I just hope looking at my gloomy paintings didn't make you sad :(
Reading this message and seeing the notification announcing he's been followed back make Xie Lian almost smile, if only for half a second. He's pretty sure Crimson Rain is belittling what he feels, but maybe he just doesn't want to open up to a stranger. Still, there's an opening for a conversation, and Xie Lian didn't have one of those in days.
Xie Lian
There's nothing overdramatic in expressing your emotions! And it can help others who'll identify I guess. Make them feel like maybe they're not alone. That's a great power you have, hm, how can I call you?
Crimson Rain
San Lang is fine. And of course you're not alone, you can talk to me if you ever need to.
Xie Lian
Oh, i wouldn't dare to bother you, San Lang!
Crimson Rain
Ah but you would never bother me :o
Xie Lian
Oh. Okay, then San Lang can also talk to me if he ever needs to. Or just wants to. That works too.
Crimson Rain
I'll definitely take your word for it, gege :)
And he did. Both of them did.
* * *
After that, talking to him became a part of my daily routine, so quickly and easily that it could have scared me if it wasn't what pushed me to get up every morning. At first, it was only light conversations, the getting to know each other kind. He didn't talk much about his home and family so I figured things weren't good. I asked but he said everything was fine and changed the subject so I didn't dare to ask after that. I figured he would tell me if and when he'd want me to know.
He was flirting with me sometimes, but I thought it was all innocent and jokes so I tried to ignore how it made me feel. Until one day, maybe 2 or 3 months after we started talking.
* * *
When Xie Lian wakes up, he immediately knows it's one of those days. He doesn't even have the strength to check his phone for the time or to see if he has any messages. Things with Feng Xin and Mu Qing were getting better, but still too awkward for Xie Lian to feel comfortable enough to call them over. And San Lang.. Xie Lian doesn't want him to think he's just a depressed guy, always sad.
He's doing better, he knows he is. He knows bad days are still going to happen and that they don't cancel the progress he made. But that doesn't stop him from being mad at himself. He tries to go back to sleep. Maybe then, it'll magically be a better day.
He can't.
Xie Lian has no idea of how much time passed when his phone buzzes. He ignores it. It buzzes again after a few minutes. He sighs, but rolls onto his side to grab it. He has three new messages from San Lang. One from a few hours ago, one from a few minutes ago, and one that just arrived.
San Lang
Good morning, gege :)
I miss you :(
Are you okay?
Xie Lian sighs again. He doesn't have the strength to type, but he doesn't want San Lang to worry. He feels warm knowing someone cares and noticed he was 'gone', but he also knows it's unfair to San Lang to leave him like that.
Xie Lian
I'm fine. I'm sorry I can't talk today.
San Lang
Oh, okay. Have a good day, then. I'm here if you need anything.
Xie Lian doesn't answer, guilt slowly taking over him. He's doing again, right? Pushing people he cares about away until he's all alone. He wants to reach out for San Lang and tell him he lied. He wants San Lang to come here and hug him, whispering that everything will be alright.
He starts crying without noticing it and he must fall asleep at some point because suddenly, he's waking up again, feeling as if he didn't sleep at all. He finds his phone to look at the time but sees a new message instead. Or rather, a message letting him know San Lang sent a photo.
He opens it with shaky fingers, and is met with the sight of a drawing. He recognizes San Lang's style right away, but it's different, less dark, more hopeful. Xie Lian stares for a long time at the white flower. Around it, it's night time, or maybe it's a storm as it's raining, but that's okay because a red old umbrella is protecting it.
After what feels like an eternity, Xie Lian saves the photo and goes back to their conversation. There's no text with it, no explanation, but Xie Lian doesn't need one. San Lang knew he's not feeling well and respected Xie Lian's wish to not talk about it. It didn't mean he wasn't going to try and cheer him up.
Xie Lian
Thank you, it's amazing as always.
San Lang
Do you feel better?
Xie Lian bites his lower lip, wondering if he's really going to do what he wants to do. San Lang said "anything", but he doesn't want to overstep or make him uncomfortable. Then again, he'll only know if it's okay by asking.
Xie Lian
Actually.. May I call you?
Feel free to say no it's perfectly fine.
He double texts after a second, so San Lang doesn't feel like he has to. But his phone starts buzzing right away and San Lang is calling him. Anxiety rises from his stomach but he ignores it and picks up.
"Hello?" He says tentatively, his voice hoarse from not talking for too long and not drinking anything. He coughs lightly, trying to make it better.
"Gege? Are you okay?" San Lang's voice is deeper than what Xie Lian expected, but he loves it. It's the kind of voice he could listen to for hours. He can feel his cheeks flush and buries his face in his pillow for a moment.
"Yes.." He starts, then adds: "No.." Because he's not here to lie again. "I.." And then he bursts into tears, unable to stop for a few minutes. He can hear San Lang talking but doesn't register the words. It just feels good to know someone's there.
"Gege, can you try and tell me what's wrong?" San Lang says, sounding calm but his voice is slightly shaking, as Xie Lian finally calms down.
"I.. I don't know I just.. Woke up feeling so empty and I'm.. I'm so tired of being like that.. I don't want to talk about it, I just want it to go away." Xie Lian tries to explain, drying his cheeks with his sleeve.
"Okay, it's.. Okay. Is there anything that could help you right now?" San Lang asks, visibly overrun by the situation but still wishing to help. That's enough.
"Tell me about your day?" Xie Lian offers. He just wants San Lang to talk. He wants to think about anything that isn't his own day and feelings and thinking about San Lang instead is his best option.
"Okay, well, it was sadly empty without gege, of course, but you're forgiven, don't worry."
Xie Lian chuckles, surprised, but also not that much. San Lang always knows what to say to make him feel better. Special. "Don't tease."
"I'm not, that's why I draw that flower, it made me think of gege when I saw it." San Lang explains shamelessly.
Xie Lian decides two can play that game. "Oh? Then what does the umbrella represent?"
"Me, of course. I want to protect you. Gege, did you drink anything today? Your voice sounds weird."
Xie Lian blushes at San Lang's declaration, and even more at his change of subject. "How do you know it's not my normal voice?"
San Lang laughs. "I don't, so why don't you drink something and let me find out? I promise I'll still like gege if his voice really sounds weird."
"You're the worst."
Still, Xie Lian finally gets up and makes his way to the kitchen.
* * *
That's when I knew I was catching feelings for him. He always had my back, found the right words, and made me feel special. He played a big part in my recovery from my parents' death. Still, my friends thought it was strange that I had never seen his face. I liked him for his personality, for everything he was, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious about his look. It felt weird to just ask for a photo so I tried to ask for a video call. It's the first time he ever refused something to me.
I know how it sounds, but it wasn't like the usual excuses. He didn't say his connection was bad or that he didn't have a working camera. No, he told me what I suspected from the very beginning: things weren't good at home so he couldn't. I know what you think: if he can do normal call, what's stopping him to do video calls? That's when I guessed he was physically abused by at least one person at home and that he didn't want me to see the scars and bruised he probably had.
That broke my heart. I wanted to go get him out of there as soon as possible, screw the 6h trip. But as usual, he told me everything was fine and that I didn't need to worry. He wouldn't give me his address so I let it go.
A few days after that, though, I finally saw his face for the first time.
* * *
In a tentative to go back in being more sociable, Xie Lian started to talk more to his neighbors, and that's how he agreed to babysit Banyue, a cute kid who immediately looked up to him for some reason. She's nice, polite, helps a lot, and loves cooking as much as Xie Lian.
They're in the garden when she decides they should make flower crowns. Xie Lian listens to her explanations with attention, careful to do exactly what she says. The final result isn't bad, and she claps happily with her hands to congratulate him.
"Stay still, I'm going to take a photo of you with it. Don't break it!" She orders, taking his phone from the ground where he left it. He smiles for her, and it comes more naturally than he expected. She nods, satisfied. "You look great, you should post it on Weibo." She advices, giving him his phone back. Then, she runs to the swing.
His phone in hand, Xie Lian considers her suggestion. She said it looked great, right? He wants to know what San Lang would think. And sure, he'd probably get a reaction if he posts it. For sure a like, maybe a short comment. But if he sends it directly to San Lang, he may get a more personal comment, maybe.. And before he has time to overthink it, Xie Lian presses send, only for San Lang to see.
His.. friend always answers in a matter of seconds, a couple of minutes at most. If he won't be able to, he lets Xie Lian knows beforehand so he wouldn't worry. But today, Xie Lian had received no warning of the sort and during five long minutes of agony, Xie Lian has the time to rethink every life choice he ever made that led him to this moment. Until his phone finally buzzes.
San Lang <3
Wow. Gege you're so stunning I have no words. I feel like I've been blessed by a true god.
It's like the weight of the whole world has been taken off Xie Lian's shoulders and he's flying. Oh, and also blushing so much that a tomato would look pale next to him.
Xie Lian
Stop flattering me or I'll believe you haha
What are you up to?
San Lang <3
Believe me.
I'm just painting, as usual.
Blushing a bit more if it's even possible, Xie Lian is about to ask what he's painting when he receives a photo. Expecting to see said painting, Xie Lian's breath gets stuck in his throat when he sees a man that is both the most handsome and cutest being he's ever seen. His hair is mostly braided, but the braid looks like it was made two days ago with how many locks of hair escaped, hiding parts of San Lang's face. He's both winking and sticking his tongue out, the hand not holding his phone raised in a peace sign. Stains of paint can be seen in several places on his face and clothes, his paintbrush placed in balance on his ear. The whole photo is so San Lang that Xie Lian can't help but think damn, I love him.
* * *
It took us almost a year before we finally confessed. Back then, my friends already had their doubts about San Lang and tried to find infos about him online. Of course, I didn't know that before they came to me with evidence.
* * *
It's almost noon and Xie Lian is cooking when he hears a loud bang on his front door. With a start, he looks up, hearing people arguing and a key being inserted into his keyhole.
"Why are you making so much noise when we have a key? Do you want to give him a heart attack?" Mu Qing asks while coming inside, taking off his shoes as Feng Xin closes the door behind them.
"Oh, yeah, because just opening his door unannounced is sooo much better!" Feng Xin retorts, struggling to take off his shoes without stopping his glare in Mu Qing's direction.
As Mu Qing opens his mouth to yell back, Xie Lian decides to intervene with a loud: "Hi, guys!" And a big smile. "Good thing I always cook way too much, haha."
The look Feng Xin and Mu Qing exchange could be taken as a "that's exactly what we tried to avoid when coming unannounced" but Xie Lian doesn't take it to heart.
"We already ate." Mu Qing says as they join him in the kitchen.
"Oh." Xie Lian answers, feeling a bit sad.
Feng Xin sighs. "But I guess we can eat just a bit more. A small quantity though. Really small."
Mu Qing glares at him. "We can?!"
"Great! It'll be ready soon! It just needs to simmer for some time." Xie Lian doesn't actually know how long. He found that old recipes book in his mother's stuff and wanted to try it but she didn't write that info, probably because it wasn't that important. Cooking needs to come from the heart, not from instructions.
"Okay, now sit. On the couch." Feng Xin says darkly and Mu Qing rolls his eyes. Xie Lian doesn't know if he has to worry or if they're just being weird, but his stomach knots anyway.
He sits, and his two friends stay standing in front of him like two angry cops. They look at each other, having a whole silent conversation, then Feng Xin sighs.
"We need to talk. About your San Lang."
At that, Xie Lian doesn't know if he has to feel anxious or angry at his friends. But before he can say anything, Feng Xin starts talking again.
"Remember when you mentioned his school? Well, we went on its website and found a page about an exposition. And guess what we saw?"
Xie Lian just looks at Feng Xin, not knowing what to say, and Feng Xin just waits. A few seconds pass before he sighs again. "Mu Qing, the evidence. Show him."
Mu Qing rolls his eyes but still takes out his phone. When he turns it in Xie Lian's direction, a shocked breath escapes from his lips. He immediately recognizes the photo as it's one of his, the one he sent to San Lang with the flowers crown. Except this photo is very different from his, completely modified by San Lang's mesmerizing style. In San Lang's hands, he turned into some kind of divinity, with golden eyes almost red. The flowers have been replaced by roses, the thorns on the branches sharp. One of his hands is touching his red lips sensually and Xie Lian feels himself blushing just by looking at himself.
"That's so beautiful.." He whispers, unable to look away until Mu Qing turns off the phone.
"That's all you have to say?!" Mu Qing asks, angry. "Did you know about it?"
Xie Lian shakes his head, frowning. He doesn't mind San Lang using his photo for art but he just doesn't get why he wouldn't tell him about it or show him the result. He always show him his art and they talk 24/7, so why..?
"He's clearly obsessed with you. You should press charges against him, he has no right to use your image against your will and he could be dangerous. We don't know what he's capable of. I hope you never gave him your address or.. or personal infos!" Feng Xin is mad, but Xie Lian is unable to process what is happening. Does San Lang..?
"Could you leave me alone for a bit, please? I'm not feeling too well." Xie Lian mumbles numbly.
"What? No, we-"
"Do as he says, can't you see he's shaken?" Mu Qing cuts Feng Xin.
"Okay, but first, where's your phone? We need to block him so he can't get to you anymore." Feng Xin declares, looking around for Xie Lian's phone. That has him moving again.
"No! You can't just do that! I.. I need to talk to him about this and it's not your decision to make!" Xie Lian grabs his phone quickly, holding it strongly against his chest to protect it.
Feng Xin moves his hand as if to try to steal the phone from him. Xie Lian automatically slaps the hand away. "Don't you dare."
His friends must see in his eyes that he's serious, because they finally give up.
"Okay, I'm.. I'm sorry, Xie Lian, really. We just want to protect you. Be careful, okay?" Feng Xin tries to calm the situation, but Xie Lian is still shaking.
"I know, just go. I'll call you later." He promises, because he knows deep down that they only want what's best for him and he loves them for that. Also, he wouldn't be able to handle another real fight between them.
Once they're gone, Xie Lian looks for San Lang's school's website, then for the exposition, then for the painting. It's there. It's real. Xie Lian looks again and again, stares at every details for what feels like hours but also a split second. What does this mean?
He searches for a description, a title, anything that could provide him with the information he's desperate to find, but there's nothing. I guess I'll have to ask the artist, Xie Lian realizes, heart beating way too quickly for it to be healthy.
But how? He doesn't want to scare San Lang away. He doesn't want to sound like he's mad or accusing him of anything. For the first time, Xie Lian really allows himself to imagine that maybe, San Lang loves him too. Maybe he could have his happy ending or happy beginning or whatever. Maybe this could work. All he had to do was being brave because he felt like even though San Lang appeared confident, maybe he's just as scared as Xie Lian is.
"Okay, here goes nothing." Xie Lian mumbles to himself. He opens his conversation with San Lang on his phone and starts typing.
Xie Lian
San Lang? Can I ask you something?
San Lang <3
Of course, gege can ask anything.
Xie Lian
Do you have a muse?
This time, the answer takes longer to come and Xie Lian can't breathe anymore.
San Lang <3
I do. The most wonderful person I've ever known. Even the gods are jealous of his beauty but it's far from being the best about him. He's so brave and kind, he makes me want to be the better version of myself I can be so maybe then, I'll be worthy of breathing the same air as he is.
Xie Lian's heart is about to explode as he's begging every superior forces to let him be that person for San Lang.
Xie Lian
Wow, he sounds amazing, he's lucky to have you. But don't be mistaken, every version of you deserve the whole world and all the stars around it. How long have you guys been dating?
San Lang <3
Gege is too nice with this lowly San Lang. We aren't dating, yet. He deserves the best and I'm not sure he wants that from me. I'm already more than blessed to have the attention he's willing to give me.
Alright. Xie Lian can't do that anymore, he needs to know before it kills him.
Xie Lian
San Lang, if he's your muse, do you have any painting of him?
San Lang never posts paintings of people online and Xie Lian thought he just didn't like to draw people. But now that he saw his work, he's pretty sure it's not the only one because it's too perfect not to have been practiced before. He just hopes San Lang won't lie to him.
San Lang <3
I must have hundreds of them.
Xie Lian
Could you show me?
A pause. Butterflies going crazy in Xie Lian's stomach.
San Lang <3
Gege..
Xie Lian
What? Do you keep them for your special someone? Who is he?
San Lang <3
Do you already know?
Xie Lian
I think so.
I hope so, Xie Lian adds mentally. Then he waits. And waits. Five minutes pass and Xie Lian stopped breathing but still, he gives time for San Lang to think, to decide of what to do. He wonders if he's in a similar state as he is. He wishes he could see him. Hold him.
San Lang <3
I'm sorry, gege.
Xie Lian's blood goes cold, terrified of what this means. He doesn't know what to say, how to fix this. But he doesn't have to as he receives a new message. A photo.
He's amazed by the heavy presence of golden, making the figure god-like. A gracious, noble looking person smelling a flower with a content smile. It's so beautiful Xie Lian struggles to recognize himself, hoping he's not seeing what he wants to see, but no. It's his face, he'd recognize it anywhere.
He could stare at it for hours, but if this is true then.. Then it means San Lang.. Could it be that San Lang loves him too? Could he be that lucky? He thinks at how the other must be anxiously waiting for an answer, and Xie Lian can't bear the thought of leaving him like that. He presses the call button with no idea of what he'll say. He'll just have to improvise.
It takes a few seconds for San Lang to answer, maybe to find somewhere he can talk freely, or maybe to prepare himself for what's to come. Suddenly, Xie Lian is excited.
"Gege, I'm sorry." San Lang says again as soon as he picks up. "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. I.. I can stop drawing you and stop the flirting and.. and whatever you want but please don't cut me off your life." San Lang's voice breaks, full of fear, and Xie Lian really can't have that.
"San Lang, don't.. Don't stop. Your paintings are amazing and your flirting.. Well, that's probably one of the reasons I fell for you so don't stop that either. And in exchange, I'll never not want you in my life. San Lang, I want you more and more every day, it's insane I.. I just want you. And if you'll have me, I know it won't be easy because you're far and shit but.. Maybe we can make this work?" Xie Lian can't hear San Lang's breathing on the other side of the line so he's kind of worried but mostly it feels so good to finally say those things that have been haunting him for so long.
"Gege.. Are you trying to kill me?" San Lang asks, tears in his voice, but that's okay. Xie Lian realizes he's crying too. Good tears. Happy tears. Start of something amazing tears.
"I actually feared I did already." He admits, chuckling lightly.
"You're so.. Ah, gege, I'll be graduating in a few months and then I'll save money to come to you, alright?" San Lang sounds determined.
"Maybe I could come in the meantime?" Xie Lian offers, impatient. Now that San Lang is his, he can't wait to hold him in his arms and.. Do other stuff.
"As much as I'd love to see gege, I'd really prefer if you don't come close to here. It's not.. I'm not sure I could protect you. I'm sorry I just.." San Lang stops talking, unable to find his words, and Xie Lian can feel his frustration all the way to his home.
"You know that saying that makes me want to come even more just to take you with me forever, right?" Xie Lian can't help but try to negotiate, wishing he could protect San Lang from whatever is happening there. It's killing him, to know without knowing, to be unable to help from so far away.
"I swear I'm fine, I know how to handle it, just.. I don't want to take chances with your safety. I hope gege understands and can wait for me."
Xie Lian smiles. "Of course I'll wait for you, no matter how long it takes, be sure of that. But be careful, and the offer will always stand. No matter when, just say the words and I'll come."
"Ah gege, you're making me blush." Xie Lian can hear a smile in his voice. "Also, as much as I enjoy talking to you, I was kinda in the middle of a class there so, huh, maybe I should go back..?"
Xie Lian laughs, not believing his ears. "San Lang, you should have said so sooner! Are you going to be in trouble?"
"Nah, I'll say I was sick or something, no one asks too many details about that kind of things." San Lang chuckles as if without a care in the world.
"You're the worst, why do I love you?" Xie Lian says naturally, not thinking about the weight of his words.
A pause, then San Lang chuckles again. "Because you're the best, and I'm the luckiest. I love you too, gege."
At this point, Xie Lian doesn't even want to know how red his face must be. "Alright, go back to your class now. And don't forget to send me the hundreds of drawings you made of me."
"Will do!"
He does, and there're really as many as he said. Xie Lian's phone almost dies on the spot.
* * *
I never felt as happy as I did back then. Approximatively knowing when we could finally see each other and live together made the distance bearable, and with texts and phone calls every day, I never felt as close to someone as I felt with him.
He graduated and started saving money, but life as an artist was harder than he expected. Besides, saving as much as he could forced him to stay at his family's place longer, a fact that was driving me nuts. I could feel how wounded he was, even though he was trying to hide it like he always did.
It became too much when he didn't answer me for hours, then called me in the middle of the night.
* * *
After trying to sleep for two hours, Xie Lian had given up to watch whatever was on tv so late. Curled up in a blanket on his old but comfy couch, he's looking without seeing anything. He thinks it's some kind of documentary about an opera but truly, he doesn't care. He's just trying to distract himself and failing miserably.
His phone is tightly gripped in his hands, sound on maximum volume in case he'd fell asleep when San Lang would finally send him something. Anything would be good. He just needs something. He checks his phone from time to time anyway, just in case he'd have ran out of battery or if for some reason his phone would have failed notifying him.
Xie Lian tries to understand what is going on on his tv when finally finally, his phone starts ringing. He can help but jump. He has been waiting for this, but the sound is too loud into the night and a part of him wasn't expecting his phone to actually ring anymore.
"Hello?" He picks up right away, scared it would stop if he wanted just for one second.
"Gege." Almost a whisper. A small, broken voice, nothing like his San Lang. And yet, he'd recognize that voice among thousands of others.
"San Lang, oh thank gods. Are you okay?!" Relief floods him as he closes his eyes for a few seconds, suddenly feeling so tired.
San Lang doesn't answer right away, audibly struggling to breathe. Xie Lian silently prays he's not hurt, ready to pack a bag in two minutes to join him wherever he is.
"I'm.. No. My uncle, he.. He hurt E'Ming. They had to remove his eye, gege, it's.. It's a fucking mess." Even though San Lang likes to pretend he doesn't care about E'Ming, Xie Lian knows the cat is very dear to San Lang's heart.
Xie Lian forgets how to breathe. That's it. He can't leave San Lang in a house with a psychopath who is capable of doing such a thing. If San Lang's uncle doesn't hesitate to hurt E'Ming like that, then what did he do to San Lang all these years? What could he do in the future? If Xie Lian doesn't do anything and something happens to San Lang, he'll never be able to forgive himself.
"San Lang, where are you right now?"
"Outside. I just left the vet."
"Don't go back to your place. Please." Xie Lian begs him, his voice breaking. He can't lose San Lang.
"I know, don't worry, gege, I wasn't going to. I'll try to convince a friend to let me crash at his apartment or something." San Lang reassures him, and Xie Lian can breathe again, relieved San Lang has someone there who can help. "But gege, I had to use all my savings to pay the vet and it's not even enough. I'm sorry, I won't be able to come to you for a few more months." San Lang admits, sounding scared as if Xie Lian could get mad at him or abandon him for that.
But Xie Lian is done with all that anyway. "It's okay, I'll help you. Please, let me help you. Tell me how much you need to cover for the vet and a train ticket for you and E'Ming, and we'll make it work, okay?"
"Gege.."
"We're in this together, remember? Something that's happening to you is something that's happening to me too. San Lang, if the situation was reversed, what would you do?" Xie Lian knows already, he just needs San Lang to realize it too.
"I'd do everything I can to help gege, of course." He sighs. "Okay, but I'll repay you as soon as I can. Promise me you'll let me."
Xie Lian smiles. "I promise, thanks."
San Lang chuckles. "Thanking me for letting you send me money? Ah, gege, you're really one of a kind." He tries to joke, to make the situation lighter as he always does.
"San Lang.." Xie Lian says fondly, felling better now that a solution has been found. San Lang is going to be there soon. He'll be able to touch him, to hug him, to kiss him, to fall asleep knowing he's safe and wake up in his arms. Really, he has reason to be thankful.
"Gege, I need to go if I want my friend to pick me up. But I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"
"Alright, but text me when you're there?" Xie Lian asks, needing to know San Lang isn't spending the night in the street.
"Of course. I love you, gege."
"I love you too, San Lang."
* * *
So I sent him money the next day and again, I know how it sounds. But he wasn't scamming me. He needed to wait a few days for E'Ming to recover enough to travel, and sent me photos. I knew what the cat looked like before and after, it was real. In the meantime, he stayed at his friend's place but had to go back to his house to get his things before leaving for good. I was worried about that, but he knew when the house would be empty and his friend came with him. He texted me before and after. All went well.
He bought the train ticket, sent me a photo so I had the infos and knew where and when I could come pick him up at the train station. We called each other, he sounded tired but excited. I was beyond happy to know he'd be with me the next day.
Except he disappeared that night.
* * *
Xie Lian wakes up feeling like a kid on christmas morning, but today his gift will be the best he's ever received. San Lang should be two hours away from him now, so he better get ready. He prepared everything the day before: his breakfast, some food and drinks to take with him if San Lang is hungry or thirsty after his journey, a blanket if he's cold, and the clothes Xie Lian is going to wear because he's not going through that headache in a rush.
He takes his phone to ask how the trip is but frowns as he notices the absence of notification. He thought San Lang would have texted him good morning as he always does when awake first, and updated him about being in the train and on his way. Maybe he just wanted to save his battery? San Lang's phone is old and capricious, it'd make sense.
Xie Lian
Good morning, San Lang! How are you and E'Ming doing? I can't wait to see you.
Then, Xie Lian leaves his phone to go take a shower, get dressed, and try to make his hair look presentable. He's not sure it's a success but he knows San Lang won't mind.
When he takes his phone again, he's already smiling at it, anticipating what San Lang might have sent. But there's nothing. His smile is gone in a second as he starts to have a bad feeling. It's been half an hour. His answer should be there.
Phone in hand, he makes his way to the kitchen, forcing himself to eat what he can but feeling too sick to eat much. Rationally, he knows he needs to eat to be able to drive to the train station safely. Still, he stops forcing himself after a few bits, fearing to throw up.
He checks his phone again but his message hasn't been seen. Maybe something went wrong and texts can't go through? He goes on Weibo to try there.
Xie Lian
San Lang, can you receive this? Did you get my text? If not, can you confirm me everything is okay on your side? I'll be on my way soon!
Xie Lian tries to chase his bad feeling away. It's just anxiety from the situation, he's about to see the man he loves for the first time, it's a big moment in his life. He's sure there's a perfectly good explanation. Doesn't the signal usually suck when you're in a train? San Lang probably tried to text him when his train left but the message couldn't get through to Xie Lian. And he didn't send anything before because he didn't have a lot of time to get ready, leaving so early, and then he was with his friend and knew Xie Lian wouldn't get up for a few hours anyway. Yes, that makes perfect sense.
Feeling a bit better, he decides to leave for the train station already, even though he'll probably be too early. He's going crazy waiting here and if San Lang has troubles with his phone, it's best if Xie Lian is sure to be there to find him.
He drives slowly, struggling to concentrate on the road. He still arrives half an hour before San Lang's train is supposed to be there. He looks around for the platform, and when he finds it, he walks to the landmark corresponding to San Lang's wagon. San Lang will probably need help between his stuff and E'Ming, like that, Xie Lian will be able to go inside quickly to help if needed. He takes his phone to let San Lang know.
Xie Lian
I'm on the platform, your wagon should stop right in front of me so you can wait for me inside if you need and I'll come help you when everyone get out.
Knowing San Lang, he'll probably come out somehow carrying everything in one hand and still looking laid back while doing so but better safe than sorry.
The minutes seem to pass slower than normal time should but finally it's time and the train arrives, making its way along the platform until it stops. Then, the doors open and people start getting out.
The platform is quickly overflowed, but Xie Lian's eyes don't leave the door of San Lang's wagon, ready to move when he'll see him or to get inside when no one will come out anymore, whichever comes first.
When people stop getting out, Xie Lian rushes inside, looking for San Lang. A fast look lets him know the bottom floor is completely empty, so he goes upstairs, where he can find the same emptiness. Starting to panic, he runs back outside, looking around on the platform. But everyone seems to walk in the train station's direction to leave the place.
Okay, Xie Lian tells himself. Maybe he got moved to another wagon for some reason. He's probably looking for me in the train station.
Xie Lian runs there, frantically searching, but nothing. He takes his phone out of his pocket, and tries to call San Lang. It goes straight to voicemail. So there's no need for texts, the phone is either turned off or not receiving signal. He tries to call again anyway, and again, unable to think with the sheer panic that made itself at home in his mind and body.
"Come on, come on.. Please, please, please." He whispers to his phone, which only sends him to voicemail once more.
Not knowing what else to do, he calls Feng Xin. His friend picks up right away.
"Hello?" The familiar voice Xie Lian trusts so much makes him burst into tears. "Xie Lian? Are you okay? Wait, wasn't your San Lang supposed to arrive this morning? What did he do to you? Xie Lian?"
"Feng Xin.. I.." Xie Lian can't say more before he chokes. Then, his breathing is too fast and the world around him goes blur. He's scared he's about to pass out, and that only makes his panic stronger.
"Try to find somewhere you can sit, somewhere calm. I'm on my way, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can." Feng Xin promises, but San Lang also said he'd be there and he's not and- "Xie Lian? I'll stay on the phone, please try to regulate your breezing."
When Feng Xin gets to him, Xie Lian's panic attack stopped, leaving him exhausted and worried and still unable to think.
"Xie Lian, hey, what happened? Talk to me." Feng Xin asks, kneeling in front of Xie Lian. He doesn't remember when he sat down. Maybe he fell.
"He's not there. I can't find him. I don't know where he is. He's not picking up his phone, it's off. I.. I don't know.. Something must have happened to him, he wouldn't just not come without a warning. Oh gods, something happened to him and I don't know.. Feng Xin, what do I do?" Xie Lian knows he's rambling nonsense but his brain just can't function. At some point, he grabbed Feng Xin's arm in a desperate death grip.
"Okay, calm down. I don't know, I'm not a detective. Okay. We should go back to your place. I'll drive you, we'll get your car back later." Feng Xin decides wisely as Xie Lian can't even stand alone.
"We should go to his place, to find him." Xie Lian argues.
"Do you have the address?" Feng Xin sounds like he already knows the answer.
"No.."
"Then no. But we can call the cops and the hospitals there." Feng Xin offers.
Xie Lian nods. It's not like he can complain, Feng Xin is doing his best.
Unfortunately, his best isn't enough.
* * *
The next two or so months were the worst period of my life. I tried to convince myself that he played me, that he never cared or planned to move in with me. It was a most acceptable thought that the possibility he might have been dead somewhere. But I knew him too well. I trusted him and his love too much to believe it was all fake.
The worst part was not knowing. I woke up every morning hoping for news that were never there. At every notification, the same disappointment of not seeing his name. My friends wanted me to move on, but how do you move on from the love of your life? I didn't want to, because I had that unbelievable faith that it wasn't over. It couldn't be.
Maybe it was just a protective mechanism of my brain to prevent me from losing my mind. But thank every superior force out there, I was right.
* * *
Lying on the floor in his living room, Xie Lian mentally congratulates his past-self for buying a carpet. He doesn't remember if he fell asleep there or passed out. He can't remember the last time he went to sleep in his bed or his last meal. Probably when Feng Xin and Mu Qing came.. Was that two days ago? Three? Chances were that it was also the last time he took a shower and changed clothes. Damn, he's a mess.
Xie Lian sighs. He notices his phone not so far on the floor and crawls to it. When he fails to turn it on, he has to admit the battery is dead. He can't have that. Maybe Feng Xin or Mu Qing texted him and were about to show up thinking something happened to him. Maybe San Lang..
Finding some strength he didn't think he had left, Xie Lian manages to get up on his feet and walk to his charger, plugging his phone in. He knows it's going to take some time, so he slowly goes to the kitchen and forces himself to drink a full glass of water. Feeling a bit better, he looks at the food, trying to find something he may not throw up two seconds after eating it. Bless Mu Qing for forcing him to come grocery shopping with him a few days ago.
An apple seems safe enough. He bits into it. Yes, that's good, he might manage to keep it in. He waits to finish it before authorizing himself to look at his phone. There're a few messages from his friends, asking how he's doing and if he wants to meet up. He suggests they come to his place later today, not trusting his physical state enough to be outside, but also not wanting to refuse and push them away like he did when his parents died. San Lang isn't dead anyway, he's just.. Not available right now. But he'll come back. And Xie Lian needs to take care of himself in the meantime.
He's terrified of the thought that he might just never know. That he'll go through life, one day after another, and never receive.. Anything. Sometimes, his dark thoughts are so strong, convincing him it's over for good, that he can't bottle it up anymore and needs to yell and punch stuff. Sometimes, he wants to destroy everything because nothing has value anyway, they're not San Lang.
The worst day had been three weeks ago. Xie Lian had the habit to try to call San Lang at least three or four times a day, the hope of hearing something else than the voicemail slowly sliding away. But that day, he heard a new announce. He wasn't on voicemail because the number wasn't assigned to anyone anymore.
Xie Lian had felt his whole world crushing around himself, trying to process what it meant when all his brain could provide him with was no, no, no, oh, please no.
He doesn't want to think about that. He needs to take a shower, get dressed, clean up a bit, and try to force himself to eat and drink a bit more before his friends arrive.
Xie Lian does just that and feel miraculously better. He puts some music on, losing himself in the lyrics and rhythms. He chose a happy playlist, safe from songs that could destroy his fragile semblance of normalcy.
He finishes drinking another glass of water when his phone buzzes, forgotten where Xie Lian plugged it. Xie Lian's heart misses a beat, a crazy hope soon to be disappointed when he'll see it's just one of his friends or maybe an app trying to get his attention. He can't stop himself from jumping to his feet to check anyway.
Deciding his phone charged enough, Xie Lian pulls it off from the charger, ready to let himself fall on the couch two meters away. That's when he sees it.
Shaking violently, Xie Lian's vision blurs as his heart finally explodes and his knees give out, letting him fall painfully on the ground. He doesn't care. Grasping his phone as if his life depends on it, he desperately looks again, begging every forces out there he didn't just hallucinate that.
He didn't.
Crimson Rain
Gege?
The Weibo notification is thankfully still there, delivering the private message Xie Lian had been waiting for so long. Two months? It feels like way more.
Choking, Xie Lian buries his head in his arms as tears escape his eyes. He doesn't even know where to start, what to do, how to act. He daydreamed that moment so many times but now that it's here, he has no idea of how he's supposed to react.
He wants to hug San Lang and never let go, but also yell at him so he'd know in how much pain Xie Lian had been. Maybe then, he'd never ever do that again. It's selfish, he doesn't even know why or what happened, but he knows he won't be able to bear it if something like that had to happen again. For now, he can only hope San Lang is coming back to him for good and isn't about to break his heart.
His fingers shake so much Xie Lian is pretty sure he won't be able to have this conversation like that.
Xie Lian
Call me.
After a second thought, he sends his phone number again. This time, he doesn't have to wait for his phone to buzz with an unknown number. He takes a deep breath and picks up.
"San Lang?" He asks, feeling sick.
"Gege." San Lang says again, and the relief at hearing his voice again almost makes Xie Lian pass out. Hot tears run down his cheeks, but he doesn't bother wiping them away. "Gege, are you okay?"
Xie Lian laughs wetly. "You're the one who disappeared for two months, San Lang, I should be asking you that."
"That doesn't answer my question. Gege-"
"What happened?" Xie Lian cuts him. His voice is too weak not to get to the point.
San Lang sighs and he sounds tired and so defeated. Xie Lian hates it. His San Lang should be happy and carefree.
"It's my uncle. When he saw my stuff were gone he got mad." San Lang starts, and again, Xie Lian can't help but interrupt him.
"I'm going to kill that man." He lets San Lang know by advance, because he's scared of what he's going to hear. Because if whatever that uncle did to San Lang before was when he wasn't mad, then he doesn't want to imagine what San Lang went through when he was. Especially if it's what kept San Lang from contacting him all those weeks.
"If I didn't fear to finish my life in jail I'd kill him myself." San Lang admits darkly, and Xie Lian's heart aches for him. "I don't know how but he found my friend's place the night I was supposed to leave. Maybe he tracked my phone. He had a knife and tried to stab me but my friend managed to push him so we took E'Ming and ran to his car."
Xie Lian raises his hand not holding his phone to his mouth. He's going to throw up. Only the knowledge that San Lang is alive and talking grounds him enough to prevent him from passing out. He's unable to say anything, so he waits for San Lang to continue.
"But that bastard ran after us. He took his car too and ploughed into my friend's car. He wouldn't stop and I was scared he'd kill Yin Yu too. That's my friend. So I told him to stop the car so I could confront my uncle and he could save himself and call the police." San Lang explains, voice shaking slightly at the memories.
Xie Lian closes his eyes. "San Lang.. That was an incredibly stupid and brave thing to do. You.. You really could have died." And he knows at that point, San Lang probably thought he was going to die. He accepted it to save his friend. Tears manage to fall from Xie Lian's closed eyelids.
"I didn't have a choice, if I did then of course.. But I didn't. Gege, you have to believe me, if I had a chance to do anything that night that could have allowed me to safely come to you, I would have taken it." Xie Lian doesn't doubt for one second San Lang's honesty.
"Okay, okay, I know, I.. What happened then?" He has to know the whole story before the anxiety kills him.
"He stopped the car too, and got out. He threw himself at me. I managed to avoid the knife but not his fist. That bastard is strong so it almost knocked me out. I.. I'll spare you the gloomy details but in the end he left me for dead. I don't know why he didn't finish me with his stupid knife, maybe he got scared, maybe he drained all his madness.. I don't know."
Xie Lian forces himself to open his eyes again, feeling so dizzy he almost doesn't recognize his living room. It seems foreign, like looking at it from another dimension, or in a dream. A nightmare. He doesn't want to imagine San Lang lying on the floor, probably in a pool of his own blood, bruised, hurting. But his brain provides the images anyway.
"Thank gods he didn't.." Xie Lian whispers, barely audible. "San Lang, are you okay right now?"
A silence.
"I'm.. Fine, don't worry about me." San Lang reassures him, but Xie Lian isn't having it.
"Don't worry? Alright. How am I supposed to do that? What kind of boyfriend would I be if I wasn't worried sick right now? Two months. Two fucking months not knowing if you were even alive. Can you imagine how I felt? Why didn't I know about all of this sooner? Did you just wake up from a coma five minutes ago? Didn't your friend know about me? Am I that unimportant to you, San Lang?"
If at first his voice was still weak, it became louder as anger slowly made its way into Xie Lian's veins. He's not even mad at San Lang, he'd give anything to be in his arms right now. But he's tired of being sad and scared all the time. He wants to go back to when San Lang helped him love life again, or move forward to when they'll be happily living together, without a single thing to worry about.
For what feels like hours but is more like half a minute or so, San Lang doesn't say anything. Maybe he's too shocked by Xie Lian's words — Xie Lian already cursed himself for that —, maybe he's trying to find the right words to appease him. Maybe..
"Gege, you're everything to me. Please never doubt of that. There's nothing in this world that could ever come close to how important you are to me. I love you more than I thought could be possible. Believe me." San Lang's broken voice says in his ear, sending shivers in his whole body and soul, sheer sincerity audible in every word.
"Then why..?" Xie Lian asks softly. It's madness how he's unable not to soften like a sponge just by a few words from San Lang.
San Lang sighs painfully, as if the memories are too horrible to think about them without suffering. "I don't really know for how long I was unconscious, but when I wasn't, I was delirious from the pain. I thought I could endure anything after what he did through the years but I was wrong. Yin Yu knew about you but my phone got destroyed that night and even if he had a way to contact you, I don't think he would have. It was a mess, gege. He didn't know where my uncle was or if he was looking for us. He was trying to obtain protection from the cops but they couldn't find him. Involving you could have put you in danger too. But don't worry, they caught him a few days ago, he can't hurt us anymore."
As if Xie Lian could be worried about himself when San Lang was going through all this. "That's good, that he's locked down. He won't be able to get to you again, right? Never? Do you promise?"
"Yes, gege. I promise."
"Good. So where are you now? Are you physically okay?" Because asking if he's mentally okay would be stupid. Of course he's not.
"Yin Yu didn't want to go back to his old apartment after what happened there so he left it for good and went to.. I think he's his friend? A guy he knows since forever but tires him a lot, they're weird. Anyway, his place was the only place Yin Yu could go and then his friend accepted I came too so I'm there right now. I left the hospital two weeks ago. I need a walking stick but it's just for a few days." San Lang explains with a calm that is almost scary. Xie Lian is pretty sure he doesn't truly realize what happened yet. He might crack later when the pressure will leave his body. Xie Lian wants to be there for him when that'll happen.
Still, he chuckles at San Lang's words. "Don't worry, San Lang, I'd love you even if you needed a walking stick forever."
"Huh, really?" There's a smile in San Lang's voice, and Xie Lian knows it's going to be okay.
"Of course. But maybe you wouldn't need the stick.. If you could just hold onto me. For helping purpose." Xie Lian says, his tone implying what he really want to say. To ask. When are you coming? May I come to you? When will I finally be authorized to touch you?
"Gege is too nice, always the helping hand." San Lang jokes but Xie Lian can't help but hear sadness hidden behind those words.
"Only for San Lang." He lies. "So, huh, are you still planning on moving here?" Xie Lian asks, impatient to clear up the last thing giving him anxiety.
There's a silence. Then: "Eventually. But I need to help with the costs of the apartment, pay for my friend's car's reparations, and the hospital bills. It's.. A lot. It might take a while."
Xie Lian's heart sinks. "Oh. I.. I didn't think about all that. But, huh, I'll help you!"
"Gege.. You already helped a lot and it all went to loss. I'm still going to repay you, though. I'm so sorry this happened." San Lang apologizes, sounding as if he did a huge crime.
"No, please, don't. I don't care about money, I just care about you. So much. We're a team, right? I already told you, what happens to you happens to me. It's happening to us. I can't leave you deal with it alone, I want to help. Please."
"Gege, you're really amazing and I love you, but I need to fix this mess on my own." San Lang says, and Xie Lian knows he made his decision and won't tolerate more negotiation. He's disappointed, but he can recognize when he has to give in and try again later. For now, having San Lang back like that is already enough. More than he allowed himself to dream these days.
"Alright. But the offer will always be on the table." He concedes. "And no repaying me. You'll repay me in other ways when you'll be here."
San Lang chuckles, relieved. "Gege.. How could I refuse?"
"You can't!" Xie Lian laughs, only now realizing he's been sitting in a bad position all this time and that his body aches like crazy.
He manages to get up, wincing a bit from the pain but stays soundless. He lets himself fall on his couch, infinitely more comfy, drowning himself in San Lang's voice.
They only hang up when Feng Xin and Mu Qing arrive and yet, for a moment, Xie Lian considers letting them on the porch.
* * *
We fell back into an easy routine, as if he never left. When I saved enough money for a train ticket, I asked if I could come, at least to visit. He said he couldn't impose like that on his friend's friend, and as he was himself sleeping on a small mattress in the living room, he didn't want me to come in these conditions. It wouldn't have bothered me, especially if that would have made me sleep closer to San Lang, but I could feel he didn't want me to come, so I let go before he'd reject me more clearly.
It wasn't a lack of love. I never doubted his love for me. But it was like he still feared something. Something he didn't want me to see or know about. It hurt, but I understood. I'm a patient man so I waited. Most days I was happy with what I had, it's only when I was feeling a bit down that I really craved his physical presence and felt resentful sometimes.
It's been a long time, and nothing evolved. San Lang always says he owes more money and still refuses my help. Refuses that I come. I try talking about it every month or so but every time he closes himself and I feel like I'm hurting him.
I love him, but I can't do that anymore. My friends convinced me to seek your help so please, I really want to be reunited with the love of my life.
Thank you in advance,
Xie Lian