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Alex shuffles the weight of the bag from his right shoulder to his left shoulder, uncomfortable in the waiting line for the bus that will take the whole class on a trip around the Grand Canyon. He can feel the stares and the whispers as he stands, fighting to keep his head up and his eyes trained ahead when all he wants is to look down at his feet and allow the ground to open up and swallow him whole.
He’s never liked these school functions, but he’s got no other option — with Flint and Clay in training, with Gregory already away fighting wars that he never wanted to be part of, Alex wasn’t really up for a long weekend alone with his father in that big house, not when his best friends had already signed up for this trip. He doesn’t think he would have survived three days with his father without the support system that Liz and Maria offered to him.
So here he is now, at least half an hour early to the trip and yet not the first one to show up. Liz and Maria had already been there when Alex had reached the school, as well as Kyle Valenti; Alex had made a face at that and, after a curt greeting to his friends, he’d gone to stand in line for the bus while the rest lounged around.
From his spot, the third in line after Wyatt Long and Hank Gibbons, he can see the Evans twins arriving in Max’s Jeep, Michael Guerin in tow. Alex had supposed Guerin would come with them, unless he’d slept in his truck, already parked in the school parking lot. He feels the already familiar pull upon watching wild curls against the wind, intelligent eyes watching everything around them — Alex holds back a sigh as he averts his gaze when Guerin catches him staring. Instead, he checks the paper that’s now completely wrinkled in his hands, 4D — Michael Guerin, Alex Manes written in neat block letters. It’s just his luck that he has gotten paired up with the other outcast; while it makes sense, Alex would have preferred to just stay on his own as the lone rider of this trip, just like he’d been in other trips, but apparently he hadn’t been needed to remain as the odd one out for this journey to the Grand Canyon.
He isn’t sure if it’s a blessing or a curse, seeing as he’s been placed in the same room as Michael Guerin of all people — the one guy Alex has had a crush on for forever despite the fact that he knows he will never act on it. He’s not going to tell Liz or Maria, either. Alex knows this will be one of those secrets he’ll keep for as long as it takes him to get out of Roswell. Just a few more months, he tells himself.
There’s a ruckus at his back. When he turns around, he can see the Evans twins whispering something to Guerin, heads drawn close together; behind them, Mr. Rowe is making his way to the front of the line, now bigger and longer than when Alex arrived. Time has flown, he realizes as Mr. Rowe plants himself in front of the door and begins roll-call as they step up in the line. When it’s his time, Alex drops the bag in the big trunk of the bus and hops inside, claiming the first row of seats just behind the teachers’. He takes the set of headphones out of the smaller backpack he’s brought inside the bus with him and places them on his ears. He fishes his phone from his pocket and starts blasting My Chemical Romance. He closes his eyes and plans on ignoring everything and everyone until the time inevitably comes when he’s forced to face the fact that he’s rooming with Michael Guerin for the entirety of this trip.
The trip is roughly three hours long, but to Alex it feels as though it's taken days to get to their destination. With him sitting alone in the front of the bus — the stares of some of his classmates nailed to his skull — Alex doesn't really have anyone to talk to. It's his fault, to some extent; he’s the one who told Liz and Maria to go sit with Kyle and his jock friends, fully knowing that he would spend the whole ride on his own. Under normal circumstances, Liz and Maria would have fought him on it. Under normal circumstances, he would have let them sit by his side and plan on taking over the world together. But these are not normal circumstances. Not with the rumors spreading like wildfire throughout the school.
Alex isn't sure who started them, although he has his suspicions. The writing on the bathroom doors look painfully similar to Kyle's, and he knows Liz is aware of that fact. He's too tired of fighting back, after a whole week of him spending most of his time either in the infirmary or at the principalʼs. He's been letting his fists speak for him whenever some jerk wanted to confront him on his supposed homosexuality, and he's earned himself more than a few punches and a few lectures — along with some physical lessons — from his father. He knows what those rumors can do — he’s felt the consequences. He doesn’t want Liz or Maria to go through the hell he's in just by mere association.
He loves his friends way too much to witness as they put themselves right in the middle of a war that's not theirs to fight.
He knows Mr. Rowe is glaring at him for choosing to forgo the undoubtedly boring speech he's about to give as greeting for their trip, but Alex couldn't care less. He slides down further in his seat and turns the volume of his music louder.
Alex picks up the key Mr. Rowe hands out with a studied indifference, stuffing it in his back pocket. He curses his choice of these particularly tight jeans as his fingers fight to fit the card into the pocket, but he manages to keep his cool. He can't allow anyone to see through the cracks of his carefully built persona.
"No parties," Mr. Rowe is warning them with that voice that gets on Alex’s nerves. "You're underage, so no drinking and definitely no going out after curfew. You're to be with the group at all times. No wandering on your own and no vanishing off the face of the Earth. I want us," he continues, gesturing between the rest of the teachers who look apathetic and himself, "to be able to come back with the full group. No one drops off the canyon."
Alex has to suppress a snort. He would kick some people over the edge of the canyon, but apparently that’s not an option anymore. He feels the prickle of a gaze on his nape, and, when he turns around, he catches Guerin staring at him. It lasts merely seconds as Guerin looks away almost instantly. Isobel Evans leans in and whispers furiously into Guerin's ear, eyes boring holes into the opposite wall in an attempt to feign indifference. Alex bites back a sigh and forces himself to focus on Mr. Rowe's boring speech.
"Everyone has their keys?" Mr. Rowe is saying. At everyone's nod, he keeps on. "Okay, then we should be set for the night. Go find your rooms, get settled, and we’ll head down for dinner at six thirty, alright? Then back to your rooms for the night."
Alex picks up his bag from where he's left it on the floor, ready to get upstairs, but Mr. Rowe has yet more things to say. "Make sure you’re taking showers, we’re going to the Grand Canyon tomorrow and the last thing I need is anyone smelling like they haven’t bathed and they’re baking under direct sun,” he states. Several jocks snicker behind Alex’s back, and he can hear a few whispering their thoughts on who this jab is aimed to. He knows most of them think it’s about Guerin, and Alex wants nothing more than to kick them in the shins. Hard.
“Again, have your alarms set," Mr. Rowe is wrapping up his speech, finally running out of ideas. "I’ll knock on doors in the morning, but we’re all meeting down here at seven in the morning and if I have to go hunt you down, we’ll have problems. Understood?”
“Yes, Sir," everyone says in a cacophony of chorused cheer.
Alex is running for the elevator before everyone else has finished echoing the last word. He doesn’t want to stay in the same room as them longer than necessary, and he needs time to settle himself before Michael Guerin shows up. Their room is on the fourth floor, so it's quite a climb. His elevator dings and he steps inside, rejoicing in the complaints from Kyle and his jocks friends when the door closes right on their noses.
He reaches his room and drops his bag on the floor. He feels both beds, jumping slightly on each of them and testing the noises they make. He settles for the one that makes less noise — he doesn't want to disturb Guerin with his insomnia. It's going to be hard enough to disguise his crush on the boy he's sharing a room with for a few days; he doesn't need to add the stress of knowing that he can wake Guerin up with his restlessness at night.
Guerin, who is currently slamming the door closed with all the force he seems to have gathered.
Alex flinches. He looks up at the other boy, fully aware that he must offer quite a sight — startled and wary. He doesn’t say a thing, though, for Guerin arches an eyebrow at him when he notices that Alex has already claimed a bed.
“I felt each bed, I took the one that makes less noise,” Alex offers as explanation.
Guerin looks like the only thing he wants is to bolt out of the room — and possibly the whole trip altogether — but he simply asks, “Why?" There’s an edge in his voice that Alex can't place. "Don’t wanna wake me when you sneak out?”
Alex almost snorts at that. Almost. He begins fiddling with his duffel bag until he finds the cord he's been looking for, speaking as he plugs it on the wall. “More like don’t wanna wake you when I stay up all night.”
“Well, good news," Guerin retaliates, apparently not missing a beat. Alex can feel Guerin's eyes trained on him. "I don’t really sleep either.”
“Seems like that’s why we got roomed together. Same questions on the questionnaire,” Alex tells him. He tries to busy himself by dropping on the bed and plugging his phone, which has suffered an important drop in battery after the trip here. There’s a big elephant in the room — the question Alex usually doesn't get to ask because every single roommate he's got on trips has gotten out of this situation long before Alex had the chance to even say anything.
“Seems like it,” Michael acquiesces.
And this is new — no one has ever stayed long enough to exchange pleasantries with him, much less to agree on something he's said. Alex stops fidgeting with his phone for a moment. He gathers his thoughts before opening his mouth and allowing the words to escape.
“And you don’t have a problem with this?”
Michael fakes entertaining the idea before deadpaning, “Are you gonna kill me in my sleep?”
Alex has to bite back a snort. He settles for a jab in retaliation. “You just said you don’t sleep,” he teases. At Guerin's raised eyebrows, he smiles and takes pity on him. Michael raised his eyebrow at the lack of an answer. “No," he assures, "I’m not gonna kill you.”
“Then we’re all good.”
Michael begins unpacking the few belongings he's taken with him, and it reminds Alex of everything that's been said about Michael Guerin — the rumors about him being homeless, the word on what he did in order to survive — and he thinks of all the rumors Kyle has started this week that are probably going to haunt Alex until he manages to escape Roswell.
“And the rumors don’t bother you?” he whispers.
Michael zips back the bag and lies down, smiling back at him.as though he knows some secret. “The rumors about me don’t bother you?” he asks.
Alex just stares at him wordlessly. For a moment he debates with himself whether or not to ask Guerin to elaborate, but he’s sure Guerin knows everything about the rumors spreading like a virus throughout the school. Instead, he chooses to shrug. "As long as you don’t kill me in my sleep,” he says.
He has the feeling that his face is burning bright red — it's been a while since he's been looked at with the intensity Guerin is looking at him, after all— so he focuses on his phone in an attempt to give off the same indifferent vibes he uses as a shield from the world. He still feels Guerin's eyes on him a few more seconds, but it isn't uncomfortable even though Alex believes Guerin is trying to read his soul with how intently he's staring.
It felt like it usually does whenever he's with Maria or Liz — almost as though they're friends.
For someone who's claimed not to sleep at all, Guerin surely falls like a dead weight on his bed after the full buffet they’re offered for dinner. Alex is torn between laughing at the fact that Guerin was like an old lady — tired before nine — and feeling outraged that the rumors were probably truer than what Guerin wants everyone to believe.
How long it had been since he had a full hot meal is the question that haunts Alex as he lies down on his bed after brushing his teeth. Guerin is snoring softly, some sort of lullaby that calms Alex. He takes out his phone and checks social media for the latest Instagram story by his favorite celebrities — the ones who make him believe that he can escape his fate — and before he knows it, he’s drifting away into slumber.
Much too soon for his liking, his alarm goes off. Alex scrambles to gather his phone before it falls down to the floor and stretches on the bed, pouting when he checks the time only to realize that he doesn't have a second to spare. When he looks over at Guerin, he sees his roommate on his side with his eyes closed, his chest heaving slightly. For a moment, Alex thinks he sees Guerin's eyes moving behind his eyelids, as though he isn't asleep, but Alex discards that thought right before sliding off the bed and on his feet. He reaches out, grabs his makeup bag and the clothes for the day, and rushes to the bathroom.
Once inside, he leans into the sink, limbs shaking with a tremor he isn't able to stop. "Get yourself together," he scolds his reflection on the mirror. His fingers dig into the porcelain, knuckles white with the effort of holding the whole of his weight up. "Guerin was just asleep. You just slept a whole night in the same room as Michael Guerin. Get a grip, for fuck's sake."
It's not the sharing a room part that freaks him out — although he'd be lying if he said it isn't playing a big part in this breakdown of sorts he's having right in a strange bathroom in a strange hotel — but the sleeping through the night. He’s so used to having to keep one eye open, trained on the door of the bedroom just in case, that he can't remember the last time he even slept more than three hours in one go. According to the last time he remembers checking his phone, it's been over six hours.
"Fucking Guerin," he mutters, shaking his head. "Fuck him."
Alex knows Guerin has little to do with his fears, seeing as he — just like everyone else — lives blissfully unaware of the nightmare that his home life has become. Not even Liz and Maria know the whole truth. That's why he lets the rumors about his sexuality spread like wildfire — while Kyle Valenti is intent on ruining his school life by simply stating a truth Alex hasn't really wanted to share with anyone but his best friends, he isn't digging out all the secrets he knows about Alex’s family.
He splashes water on his face to get rid of all the thoughts that are now consuming his soul, and starts the daily ritual of applying way too much makeup to cover every mar on his skin. Maria keeps telling him that his skin is perfect and he only needs to highlight his eyes if anything, but Alex isn’t so sure. The only rebellion left in him that hasn’t been beaten out is his shield of makeup and emo clothes — he isn’t going to give them up anytime soon.
By the time one of the teachers knocks on their door, signalling that they should be already up, Alex is exiting the bathroom wearing the black jeans and the black t-shirt he had brought in with him. Guerin stares at him, an unreadable gleam in his gaze, before he simply says, “Nice face.”
Alex doesn’t reply with words; he almost snorts. “Okay,” he finally says. He doesn’t know how just two words can make him feel all mushy inside, but he needs to get his act together. He isn’t going to act on this stupid crush just because Michael Guerin is being nice to him. Well, sort of nice. The fact that the baddest bad guy in the whole school, the one who starts fights out of thin air according to the rumors, is capable of niceties directed to him is rocking Alex’s world.
They don’t exchange many more words as Guerin gets ready and they go down for breakfast. Liz and Maria, foregoing everything he’s told them, sit by his side while he’s downing the largest coffee he’s ever had.
“I thought I told you to stay away from me,” he hisses when Liz flops down beside him, Maria following suit. “It’s better for everyone.”
“You mean, it’s better for Kyle and his jock friends,” Maria states, reaching out to grab one apple from the bowl set in the center of the table. “No offence, Liz.”
“None taken,” Liz replies. “I’m my own person, Alex. Kyle might be my boyfriend, but you are my friend. I’ve talked to him, he denies even knowing who’s behind the rumors.”
“Of course he does,” Alex snaps. “I may be your friend, Liz, but you sure as hell always believe him over me.”
“That’s unfair,” Liz protests. She’s blushing so violently that Alex thinks she might transform into a tomato. “I believe you. I just happen to believe him as well. Maybe you’re mistaken.”
“You know I’m not. But it’s fine,” he relents, standing up. “We’re back to our regular schedule of not hanging out with me until this whole thing is sorted.”
“But, Alex—” Maria starts to complain, but he’s already walking away and outside the room.
He ignores them as he jumps onto the bus and claims the same spot as the day before. He can feel their stares as they walk past him, Liz still red, but he can also feel something else. When he looks around, once the bus is completely loaded, he realizes Michael Guerin is trying to conceal the fact that he’s been staring as well. Alex can’t help a smirk from finding its way to his face.
The Grand Canyon is amazing when they first set foot outside of the bus, despite Mr. Rowe stubbornly insisting on spoiling all their fun with his instructions. “While you aren’t required to be on a strict buddy system with your roommate,” he’s saying when Alex pays attention once again, “I definitely suggest staying close by them because you will be needing to do check-ins together. We’re not trying to have anyone run off, alright? Understand?”
Alex shakes his head, but he replies noisily with the rest of the group. Guerin walks up next to him, shooting him a reassuring smile that Alex doesn’t even try to return. He can’t afford to be friends with Guerin — everyone who gets close to him ends up being hurt. And he’s not sure if Guerin isn’t just trying to stick around for the sake of not upsetting Mr. Rowe. Whatever it is, Alex isn’t really on board. He follows around the teachers, looking over charts and listening to boring explanations about the formations of the rocks and their current state. It’s not that he doesn’t like the trip — he adores nature — but he doesn’t really enjoy the company. So, the first chance he has to wander astray from the group, he walks a little behind of the group, Guerin still walking in sync with him.
When Guerin expresses his disdain for the trip and the things they’re visiting, Alex can’t help but retaliate. He grabs Guerin’s arm freely and pulls him back to a deserted area, closer to the edge than advisable, but he couldn’t care less. He needs to show Guerin that there’s nothing lame about the Grand Canyon — that the only lame thing about Mother Nature is that humans are so focused on destroying it with their extravaganza. He hasn’t felt more alive than in this moment, with his feet almost off the ground, the force of the wind and the beauty of nature surrounding them. Ignoring Guerin’s worried words, he exclaims, “Don’t you feel small? Like nothing matters. Years of horrible things that built this country never stopped the natural flow of things enough to take this.” He sighs contentedly, closing his eyes and opening his arms wide. “No matter who we are, what we do, there’s always something—something else.”
He breathes in deep. “I could do anything,” he continues. “I could jump or I could kill someone or I could commit every atrocity, and the world would keep turning,” he whispers, eyes still closed. “And some people do that. Because it doesn’t matter so they don’t care. But if we’re all horrible, every last one, who will notice the small things? Like this. Us. I am nothing, but doesn’t that make us everything?”
When he opens his eyes, Guerin is looking at him with a frown. Since he doesn’t seem to be getting what Alex means, he motions for Guerin to move closer and grins broadly when the other boy complies. “The only kind thing left is Mother Nature,” he states.
“Mother Nature kills,” Guerin says pointedly.
Alex can’t help himself — he rolls his eyes. Hard. He doesn’t understand how someone as intelligent as Michael Guerin — Alex has seen his grades, he is brilliant — can be so blind. “Don’t be cynical,” he fires back. “Think about it. There’s nothing selfish in nature, not really. You just take what you need.”
“You know,” Guerin muses. “Some species would disagree.”
Alex laughs. “Just humans. Fuck humans.” When Guerin agrees with a muttering breath, Alex exclaims louder, “Fuck humans!”
There’s a cacophony of their voices screaming on the top of their lungs, over and over, until Mr. Rowe’s voice interrupts them. He startles Alex, who jumps at the unexpected interruption and almost gets tipped over the edge. Guerin’s hand shoots up and grabs his t-shirt, pulling Alex back onto the ground before he loses his footing completely.
It’s when he stumbles to keep steady on his feet that Alex realizes how close he is to Guerin, and how with just a tilting of his head he could make their lips collide and—
“Alex, are you alright?” Mr. Rowe asks.
Alex doesn’t reply straight away. He’s too busy riding the high of feeling free, the exhilarating emotion of finally being heard and seen, and maybe he’s just misjudged Michael Guerin a bit. Maybe the look in Guerin’s eyes isn’t derisive or curious, but just as open and honest as Alex wishes it was. When Guerin looks down at him in bewilderment, Alex simply grins back — open, wide and hiding nothing, his soul bare for Guerin to see.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Mr. Rowe continues, his voice showing an edge of concern.
“I’m good,” Alex says slowly. He realizes that he’s still in Guerin’s hold, and that he’s smiling that stupid smile and that he’s shown emotion, something he’s sworn to never do in public. “Just made me jump. Everything’s fine.”
Guerin lets go of Alex’s t-shirt, and Alex feels the loss almost immediately.
“Just be careful, boys,” Mr. Rowe nods. “We don’t need you falling off the side no matter how angsty you feel.” Michael laughs, but it doesn’t distract Mr. Rowe, who’s just looking between them. Alex can sense what he's coming up with next. The teacher sighs and looks at Michael before asking, "And you two are good with sharing a room together?"
The words have the opposite reaction to what Mr. Rowe might have been expecting. Alex stops smiling altogether, allowing the hard mask of the teenager who couldn't be fazed up with the practiced ease of someone who's been hiding for far too long.
Of course Mr. Rowe would think that Michael would need out of this situation. Of course, the brilliant yet troublesome student might need saving from the problematic and average emo kid with alleged suicidal tendencies. Alex feels the blood boiling in his veins, anger ready to consume him entirely.
He stays put, looking up defiantly, until Guerin speaks up. "Doesn’t bother me," he states matter-of-factly. Alex can feel those whiskey-colored eyes on him; he shrugs noncommittally.
Stay level-headed, he tells himself. Out loud he deadpans, "Haven’t killed him yet."
"Comforting, Mr. Manes," Mr. Rowe addresses him in that tired voice that signals how fed up he is with his teaching existence, evidently unaware of the way his words make Alex wince. That name is his curse, but he also refuses to change it to his mother's once he is of age merely two months from now, because that would mean letting the monster win.
Alex would willingly walk through fire before giving his father anymore power over him.
Mr. Rowe pats Michael on the shoulder before hastily walking away. Alex looks down at his shoes for a brief moment, gathering his thoughts and his feelings beneath the persona he needs to become right now, when Michael shatters his little bubble of self-deprecation by asking, “Yet?”
Alex looks up. He is drowning in caramel, warmth oozing off Guerin in waves. Alex feels oddly at ease under Guerin’s scrutiny — he shouldn’t feel as though he can trust Michael Guerin with his life, and yet he does. He feels the tugging of a smile playing at the corner of his mouth. “Never say never,” he jokes, eliciting a laugh from Guerin.
They walk back towards the rest of the group in an amicable silence. Alex has to resist the urge to push Guerin playfully as they stroll back, Mr. Rowe gazing at them like a hawk. Alex bites down on his lip to prevent a sigh from escaping his throat. He’s always known that he’s been looked at closely — his father has made sure of that his whole life, and then when he began getting into fights he received the same treatment from the teachers and the principal. You’ve earned this, he chided himself. You shouldn’t have been so close to the edge. What were you thinking?
When they reach the rest of the students, Guerin squeezes his shoulder awkwardly before walking next to Isobel Evans, who shoots Alex a weird glance before focusing on Guerin. The lack of presence by his side fills him with a coldness that he hasn’t been expecting.
Alex catches Liz staring at him and he shakes his head when she takes one step towards him. He doesn’t want her to have trouble with her boyfriend — this is a war Alex needs to fight himself.
They walk across the national park for a while. Alex tries paying attention to the explanations given by the guide, but he’s far too distracted by the prickling feeling of eyes boring holes into his skull. Whenever he glances back, he catches Guerin averting his eyes, and every single time it makes Alex’s heart do somersaults against his own will. It makes the whole excursion day both heaven and hell — the giddiness of finally being seen mixed with the anxiety of realizing that his faults won’t hold under such scrutiny. He wishes the day would last longer, but he’s also relieved when Mr. Rowe calls them back to the bus so they can get a ride back to the hotel. Alex climbs onto the bus and claims the seat that’s now his almost by right, on his own.
When Guerin flops down beside him on the way back and doesn’t budge when Alex questions him on it, Alex tries to tame his racing heart. It’s the first time someone — anyone, really, except for Liz and Maria — has purposefully chosen him, and although it makes him both wary and excited, Alex can’t help the way his chest constricts at the proximity. To finally be seen by this guy who seems to be tough and rough around the edges — in a way that Alex knows can only mean Guerin isn’t really that tough — is the highlight of Alex’s existence so far. So he doesn’t heed the glares shot their way as Guerin sinks into the seat beside him, instead going on a tirade about his plans to take over the world.
For the first time in longer than he can remember, Alex finally feels seen.
The moment they arrive at the hotel, Alex rushes to the room while Guerin hangs out with the Evans twins. He needs this moment to himself, to reflect on the events of the day and to make sense of what has transpired between them.
Alex grabs a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt from his duffle bag and locks himself in the bathroom, taking advantage of the fact that he’s all alone and it seems that he’ll be on his own for a while. He looks at his reflection in the mirror, taking in the rose tinge on his cheeks after a whole day under the sun; he looks happier than he’s looked in a long time. He knows Maria and Liz will grate on him with their questions when they meet up for dinner — the meals at the hotel being the only ones where he allows them to hang out with him — because everyone has seen him with Guerin, screaming into the void and almost falling off the edge. Not his finest moment, Alex has to admit, but it’s been a great day overall.
“You there?” he hears outside the bathroom, and his heart falters. Guerin knocks on the door. “Alex, you okay?”
“Yeah, yes,” he stammers. He wasn’t expecting Guerin to come back this soon.
“Okay, fine. Just checking. You’ve vanished before.”
“Everything’s peachy,” he says, preventing himself from snapping at Guerin. Alex isn’t used to people worrying about him — why would they, anyway — but even he can admit that it feels good to have the guy he’s got a massive crush on showing any kind of emotion towards him.
“Fine,” Guerin replies. “Enjoy your shower!”
Alex plans on doing so.
He gets the water running, and turns the heat up a notch. He steps inside and allows the spray to hit his shoulders, in a feeble attempt to get rid of every unwelcomed thought he’s had today — he still doesn’t know where the idea of getting so close to the edge and then fantasizing about kissing Guerin have come from. Alex stays still underneath the water, washing away his fears and doubts, the heat scorching his skin and purging his soul. When he steps out of the shower, he feels lighter and more focused. Alex puts the sweatpants on and decides against the t-shirt while he’s still inside the bathroom, given that his hot shower has created so much steam that he would just sweat through his clean t-shirt.
He opens the door and sets one foot outside, struggling to get his head into the neck of the t-shirt as he walks, and when he manages to stick his arms through it he finds himself looking at a very distressed Michael Guerin, who’s staring up at him with his mouth hanging open.
“What,” he snaps. Guerin keeps staring a few more seconds until he gives in to Alex’s glare and looks away.
“Sorry,” he mutters, scrambling to his feet and running into the bathroom for, Alex guesses, his own shower.
Alex shucks his dirty clothes into his duffle bag, mildly angry at his own outburst. He doesn’t even understand himself; he isn’t sure why he’s treating Michael Guerin as though he needs to pick a fight when all Guerin is doing is showing concern. Guerin is acting like a normal human being, and Alex can’t seem to respond in kind. All he knows is to mess everything up even more than it already was.
As if on cue, his phone blasts with the ringtone he set for Maria. He sighs; he doesn’t really want to talk to her right now, but he knows she will keep calling and she will give him an earful during dinner about not picking up. So he grabs the phone and unlocks it, realizing that Maria’s FaceTiming him with Liz by her side.
“Hey, Alex,” Maria greets with a big smile. Liz waves at him energetically.
“What’s up?” he says, lying on the bed. “You look way too awake after the full day we’ve had.”
“Well, it’s been quite busy for you aside from the class trip,” Maria states. The hand holding the phone moves, so Alex sees them shaking on the screen before Maria can steady herself. Liz chuckles. “What? I’m excited that our little boy has finally made a move on Guerin!”
“I haven’t made a move on—”
“Don’t give me that bullshit, Alex,” Maria interrupts him. “It was about time that you acted on your crush!”
“Guerin is not my crush!” Alex hisses, glancing surreptitiously at the bathroom door that’s still locked. “I don’t know where you got that from.”
“As if you could fool me, Alex Manes,” Maria tells him. By her side, Liz is nodding. “I can feel things, remember? Where’s Guerin now? Is he around?”
“He’s in the shower,” Alex sighs.
“I can imagine what the idea of him in the shower is doing to you,” Maria laughs.
Alex shrugs, but doesn’t say a thing, so Maria keeps going. “Guerin got kinda hot over the summer, you know, in a sex in a truck, smells like a river, never introduce him to your mama kind of way. I bet he hasn’t seen a shower in so long.”
“You know that was completely out of line, right, Maria?” Alex can’t help but snapping.
“There are rumors—”
“There are rumors about me as well, and we all know how hurtful those can be. So please, don’t. Just. Don’t.”
Liz swats Maria’s arm, the movement making the screen tremble once again. Maria looks contrite when the image focuses again. “I’m sorry,” she says. “You know I am. But now, I dunno, could you stop being a jerk and tell us everything about Guerin?”
Alex debates whether or not to confess to his budding feelings to his friends, but he knows Maria and Liz will take the words out of him anyway. “There’s nothing to tell,” he finally relents. “We just rode back together, that’s all.”
“Well, you were yelling quite loudly back at the Grand Canyon,” Liz points out. “And then we all saw how Michael grabbed your t-shirt, Alex. And, by the way, why on Earth would you stand so close to the edge of a cliff?”
Alex sighs. He doesn’t want to explain anything; Liz and Maria know a lot about his life and what he’s going through, but they don’t know everything. He wouldn’t want to dump it on them. It’s enough that he has to live through this hellish family life until he turns eighteen and can get out from under his father’s claws. Burdening his friends with facts that cannot be changed anytime soon seems unfair.
When he’s about to say something, he hears the water turning off inside the bathroom. He feels fear flaring up inside of him and he hisses, “I have to go now. The water’s stopped running. Guerin will be out any minute.”
“You wish Guerin were out,” Maria teases him, the innuendo floating heavily between them before Alex shakes his head and disconnects the call. It’s just a few more minutes until Guerin opens the door to the bathroom, stepping outside.
The first thing Alex notices is the swelling in his lower lip, and he shoots up from the bed to check in on Guerin. He stops dead in his tracks when he notices Guerin stiffening.
“Dude, what did you do to your face?” he scoffs, taking a cautious step closer to Guerin. He can feel his chest constricting under the proximity, his soul soaring as he refrains from reaching out and touching Guerin’s mouth. “That’s gonna scab.”
“Sorry.”
Alex snorts, his shoulders shaking with the movement. “Why are you apologizing to me? It’s your mouth.”
He knows he must be giving away way too much, but he can’t seem to stop staring at Guerin — although Alex is starting to think of him as Michael — and Guerin doesn’t seem to mind. He can feel his skin breaking out in goosebumps at the closeness, his blood buzzing in his veins.
“We should probably go down for dinner,” he says in a monotone voice, breaking the charm of the moment, when he can’t take it anymore. He needs a break, and he needs it now.
“Yeah, let’s do that,” Guerin agrees.
The ride back to the dining room is the longest Alex has ever taken, sharing an elevator with Michael Guerin after the strange situation they just found themselves in.
Dinner with Maria and Liz goes about as well as Alex thought it would. Just as he sits down at the table the girls have saved for them, Maria starts firing off questions while Liz sits back in her chair and feigns paying attention while she stares longingly back at Max Evans. Alex thinks it would be cute if she weren't dating Kyle — Alex would be rooting for her and the good twin anytime, but she had to choose Kyle Valenti and Alex believes in monogamy and never cheating on your partner.
He just wishes Liz would be more present these days, because he really needs some kind of support when Maria starts tearing down his defenses and attacking him with questions. Alex wants to shrink into himself and disappear, but Maria doesn’t allow him to. She keeps asking and inferring information from what little he’s giving them, not missing a beat.
“You know, it’s not wrong to feel how you feel,” she’s saying over the soup. “What’s wrong is not to act on it.”
“There’s nothing to act on, Maria,” he tries, tiredly. “You’ve already found out who my crush is, could you just let it go for once?”
“But I think Guerin might be interested!” Maria insists. “What do you think, Liz?”
Her words make Liz snap back into reality, looking back at them. “Sorry. Wasn’t paying attention.”
“Why doesn't that surprise me," Maria exclaims, lifting her hands in the air dramatically for a fuller effect. Alex rolls his eyes. "Apparently, our friend here doesn't think his crush on Michael Guerin could be reciprocated."
"D'you think Michael's gay?" Liz whispers.
"Really, Liz?" Maria cries out. Alex is now giggling at their antics. "That’s all you have?"
"I mean, I didn’t think Michael would be interested in anyone who wasn't himself," she explains. "He seems like a selfish jerk, in my opinion. And all those rumors—"
"I thought I was clear about talking about rumors," Alex says sternly. Liz nods sheepishly.
"Sorry. I'm just saying, if you feel it, go for it. But I don't want you to be hurt, Alex. You're my friend."
"Well, now that’s settled," Maria says triumphantly. "You're going to act on your crush and tell Guerin how you feel. Now, what's next? Oh yeah, next on my list is making Liz break up with the jock. I can't stand any more of his jokes!"
Alex laughs heartily as Liz blushes and stammers, trying to fight Maria. He knows he will never ask his friend to break up with anyone for his own benefit, but he'd be lying if he said he wouldn't be happier if Liz wasn't dating his bully. But she'd started dating Kyle before all hell broke loose, so maybe she sees something in Kyle that might be redeemable.
When he looks up briefly, he can see Michael Guerin staring back at him, his lip is bleeding again, so Alex moves his thumb to his lower lip, rubbing on it slightly. Guerin mimics his movements; Alex can see the wince as one fingertip touches the abused skin, and he smiles kindly at Guerin. Fuck humans, he mouths, turning to his friends who are now rattling about one of the teachers, the same warmth that filled him every single time they've locked eyes takes hold of his soul.
Alex decides to take Maria's advice once he's back in the room. After the talk they've had during dinner — after Maria managed to get him to share his feelings and Liz to stop sighing after Max Evans for longer than a few seconds — Alex thinks that he may not be reading too much into the situation. He'd even made a mental list.
First, Michael Guerin has been caught several times staring at Alex.
Check.
Second, Michael Guerin has shown interest in knowing more about Alex, and he's even endured a diatribe about conquering the world through music.
Check.
Third, Michael Guerin has most likely saved Alex’s life at least twice.
Check.
Alex would be terrified if he wasn't so hyped up after his talk to his friends. He's still trying to find a reason that lets him keep his sanity in the off-chance — according to visionary Maria DeLuca. Guerin can't possibly like him, he tries to reason with himself. Guerin is straight. Guerin is straight.
Maybe if he repeats it enough, it will get ingrained in his brain.
Alex doesn't go to the bathroom to get changed, not tonight. Tonight, he trades his jeans for his sweatpants, and finds out that Guerin has been staring at him the whole time. He averts his eyes to stare down at his hands, and Alex takes pity on him. Maybe heʼs just tired. Maybe he needs to rest and Alex is just in the middle of the room bothering him.
“Are you okay? Did you get sun poisoned? You’ve been zoning out since we were on the bus,” he says. “Got worse after your shower.”
Guerin looks up at him in a haze, and Alex is beginning to really worry. Michael Guerin is never distracted. Then, in a surprising movement, he pats the bed beside him as though inviting Alex to sit down next to him. At first Alex hesitates.
He ends up sitting down.
“What do you actually want to do in the future?” Guerin starts.
Alex doesn't really know how to answer. Guerin is still a stranger despite the huge crush Alex has on him. He doesn’t usually trust people this easily, but Maria’s words reverberate in his memory and he shifts. “Getting the fuck out of Roswell is my only real goal. I hate it there.”
“Same,” Michael nods.
“Guess that makes sense. We’re the two people with the most amount of fights in Roswell High history.”
It's a miracle that they haven’t fought each other yet. Alex thinks that it's mainly because they keep out of each other's path. Every single fight Guerin has started has been fueled by someone bothering him enough to earn themselves a punch in the face.
Michael snorts “You’re lucky. Your dad definitely used that fancy little title he’s got to keep you from being sent to juvie after you shattered Mason Glenn’s face.”
“Lucky,” Alex repeats. If only Guerin knew how mistaken he is. “I’m not lucky. Not with my dad.”
“Well, if it helps, I’m not lucky either. That fight I got into last year, almost deafened the guy in his left ear. Got me a couple months in juvie. Which, you know, maybe I am lucky. Most kids like me don’t get out that easy.”
“So the rumors are true then?” Alex can’t help but ask. He wants to strangle himself — he’s the one who doesn't want to be asked about the rumors Kyle has started and yet here he is, gossiping about Michael Guerin’s life.
“Why are you so set on the rumors?” Guerin calls him out. “‘Cause it depends on which ones you’re talking about. I’m not sleeping with Iz if that’s the one you’re asking about.”
“The one where you live in your truck,” Alex says bluntly, getting right back on track after Guerin’s feeble attempt at diverting his attention.
“Okay, then is the one about you true? Are you gay? Is that why you think about taking over the world? Is that why you like feeling small?”
The words don't cut through Alex the way he’s been expecting them to. They don't feel like an accusation, not in Guerin’s voice. They're almost like an invitation, like Guerin trying to gauge some kind of reaction.
He retaliates, not missing a beat, “Is that why you wanna get out of Roswell? Because here everyone turns a blind eye to a homeless teenager? Because it’s easier to say you live in a truck than to say you’re homeless?”
“Is that why you want to get out of Roswell? Because here everyone turns a blind eye to bullying? Because it’s easier to say you’re just other than to admit they’re in the wrong?”
The intensity in Guerin’s eyes is almost unbearable, the heat inside the room growing between them as Alex feels he's drowning in that gaze. Guerin is not moving, so Alex takes a leap of faith and leans forward. Maybe he'll get lucky. Maybe Maria is right.
Maybe. Maybe.
Guerin bolts away and mumbles something about brushing his teeth before escaping to the bathroom.
Alex stares at the closed door stupidly for a solid minute before realization sinks in. He’s tried to kiss Michael Guerin. And he’s been rejected in one of the most hurtful ways ever. He can't believe he's been dumb enough to follow Maria’s advice. He should have known she didn't know a thing. And now he’s left with the fear of Guerin spreading another rumor — once again with a solid base in reality — throughout the school. Despite his cool exterior, Alex doesn't think he'd be able to survive high school if another rumor pointed at him as the weirdo.
He feels the prickle of tears at the back of his eyes. Usually, he fights them, but tonight he curls up in bed and cries himself to sleep with his back to the bathroom.
He doesn't hear Guerin stepping outside of the bathroom.
"He doesn't like me," Alex says as a greeting as he drops down next to Liz.
"How do you know?" Maria questions, handing him a coffee cup.
Alex sighs. He isn’t proud of his attitude this morning, but he’s doing what he needs to do in order to protect his heart. He holed himself up in the bathroom before Guerin even woke up, and upon exiting he acted as though the almost kiss didn't exist.
If he normalizes this, maybe Guerin won't go spreading ugly lies about him.
Only they wouldn't be lies.
"I just know, okay? I don't want to talk about this. I've already made enough of a fool of myself to last me several lifetimes. I just want to forget I ever came on this stupid trip."
His eyes wander across the room until they land on Guerin, who’s staring back at him. Alex is beginning to think Guerin has a problem with his eyesight — after last night, it's become clear that he doesn't want anything to do with Alex.
"Well, there's a party tonight," Liz explains. "Booze will be running freely. It'll be the perfect excuse to forget. But you won't want to come."
"Why wouldn’t I?" Alex asks petulantly. "I love a good party, even if people don't talk to me. I just need alcohol."
"I'll talk to you," Maria intervenes. "But Liz means you literally won’t want to come. Kyle's the one who snatched the booze from his father before the trip."
Alex wants to curse his luck, but it feels fitting.
"You're right," he says, pushing himself off the table and standing up. "I wouldn't get near that party in my whole life. I'm not hungry anymore," he adds, stepping away from the coffee he hasn’t even touched.
He ignores his friends as they call after him.
The last full day in Colorado is as dull as the others. Alex would have enjoyed the visit to the National Park and the museum, since it’s got a Native History section that he’s been dying to see. Sadly, his own stupidity is preventing him from even paying attention. Instead of learning about the past of the land that his motherʼs ancestors once called home, Alex is replaying the events from last night in his mind and cringing at how naïve he's been.
He shouldn’t have tried to make a move on Guerin. He knew there was just a slim chance of Guerin wanting to kiss him back, and yet he went for it against all rules of gambling. Alex sighs as he sits down on the bus once again, forehead pressed against the window as he forgoes using his headphones to isolate him from the world. There are rushed murmurs about the party Kyle is throwing tonight, so maybe he'll get a last night that will be calm and full of insomnia — the ones he's used to whenever he's home and his father is asleep. Maybe Guerin will go to the party, despite him having punched Kyle a few times. But Alex knows Isobel Evans will want to go, and her twin will follow her anywhere, just like Guerin does. Alex has to admit that, at one point, he believed Guerin and Isobel were a couple, with the significant amount of time they spend together, but he knows the power of rumors. Some might be true — like the one about him and, according to Michael Guerin himself, the one about Guerin spending two months in juvie because of a fight gone awry for the other boy.
Alex feels pathetic for being relieved that Guerin isn't sleeping with Isobel Evans.
"Last chance to come," Liz tells him much later, when dinner's over and everyone is gathering their belongings to head up to their rooms.
"I'd rather swallow glass," he replies curtly. He knows Liz means well, but he wishes she weren't weren't keen on forgiving Kyle for everything he does. Not when she's obviously crushing on Max Evans who, according to Alex, is as interesting as watching cardboard but at least Max Evans doesn't bully people just for the fun of it.
"I wish things had worked between Michael and you," she says sincerely. She leans in and drops a kiss on his temple. When Alex looks at her bewildered, she smiles. "I'm tired of this rule you've set up about how we need to stop being seen together in public for our sakes. Guess what, Alex?"
He stares at her dumbfounded, while Maria laughs heartily. "What?"
"Kyle might be my boyfriend, but you are my friend. You don’t need to protect me from him,” she reassures him. “I know I haven’t been doing a good job at the friendship front, but I promise I’ll do better.”
“It’s not your fault that your boyfriend is a jerk,” Alex tells her. Maria snorts.
“That’s an understatement, Alex.”
“Well, you sure as hell put up with him, so he must have some appeal,” Alex laughs. “It’s fine, really, Liz. I love you, and that’s not going to change.”
“But you still won’t come to the party tonight,” Liz sighs with a pout.
“Not a chance, Liz. I’ll stay up reading, doubt I’ll catch any sleep.”
“You haven’t been sleeping well again, have you?” Maria asks. Alex shakes his head.
“I slept through the night the first night we were here, and then yesterday it was rough. I don’t want to talk about it,” he is quick to add when he sees both Liz and Maria perking up with questions. “It’ll be okay.”
“I just wish you’d let us help you.”
“How, Maria? Telling your mom and Liz’s dad? Mimi and Arturo can’t do shit against Jesse Manes, and you know that. The only one who can is Jim, and I’m not going to ask Kyle’s father. It’ll be fine,” he repeats. “Only a couple more months and I’ll be out of Roswell.”
They finish their dinner in silence. Alex doesn’t want to address the big elephant in the dining room — although his friends know some parts, he’s been tiptoeing around the scariest parts of his family life for both their sakes. He doesn’t need them to fuss over him even more or to go to Social Services. He can fight his own battles, and he doesn’t need to be locked up in a group house for the remainder of his underage months. He breathes out his goodbye, wishing them a good time at the party, and goes to his room to get ready for a lonely night.
He’s the first in, so he takes advantage of the solitude to use the bathroom before flopping down on his bed and opening up one of his favorite apps on his phone. His battery is about to die, so he plugs the device. When he gets up from the floor and scrambles back up to the bed, the door opens and Guerin enters, stubbornly staring at his feet. Alex bites back a sigh. He knew things were going to become awkward between them — between him and the only person outside his most trusted circle who he’s been willing to open up to — and he regrets ever thinking about kissing Guerin.
When the other boy goes to the bathroom, Alex closes his eyes. Maybe if he feigns being asleep, Guerin might ignore him and go straight to the party with the rest of the group. But his phone pings with an unread message, and when he looks down at the screen, Maria’s face seems to be mocking him. He opens the app and reads her message.
Whatever happened last night, I have the feeling that it won’t be as bad in the end. The cards have told me.
u read my cards w/o me there? he types back.
Of course, comes to swift reply. He doesn’t know how Maria can type complete words at such a speed — he’s barely able to put his thoughts in order long enough when texting. You deserve good things, Alex. But you need to start believing it.
“Hey, Alex,” he hears. He startles, looking straight at Guerin who’s now out of the bathroom and seeming more distressed than Alex has ever seen him. “Can we talk?”
Taken aback, Alex nods slightly. He thinks he knows where this conversation is leading to — he’s used to it by now, the whole it’s not you, it’s me and then the I like you, but only as a friend, and maybe if he’s lucky he can get a but don’t worry, this will be our little secret — and he isn’t ready to hear it. Not from the guy he’s been crushing on for months.
Not from the guy who Alex considers his non-celebrity gay awakening.
He stands up. He thinks it will be better for him to take this blow like a man, not lying on a bed like some weak damsel in distress from some outdated fairytale. Guerin looks positively nervous, hands wriggling as he bounces up and down. Alex wants to call him out on it, to tell him to get whatever this is over and done with. He isn’t given the chance, though.
Michael Guerin surprises him by lunging forward and kissing Alex, in a movement that he couldn’t have anticipated after him chickening out last night.
It wasn’t long-lived; in fact, it was one of the shortest kisses in Alex’s life, but it somehow warmed his soul. It felt exactly as he thought kissing Guerin would feel like — like he believes coming home feels like.
His brain needs a moment to catch up, and then it kicks some sense back into him. He pulls away, panting softly. “Are—are—Is this a set up?” he asks.
He’s terrified that this change of heart in Michael Guerin might be fueled by some sort of bet like the ones he’s seen in the movies.
“Huh?”
“Is this one of those things where you kiss me and then ask me out and then I agree and then you stand me up and make fun of me with your friends?” Alex hates how his voice comes out shaky and hesitant. He’d rather show anger, but he doesn’t have any other feeling left. This kiss has left him devoid of everything except fear and love.
He shouldn’t be sure this is love, not after just one kiss, but he somehow knows.
“What? No, oh my god, who did that?” Guerin sounds aghast, and his wide eyes tell Alex that he’s just as flabbergasted as he feels.
“You just kissed me,” he says, as though that explains everything.
“Yeah,” Guerin almost laughs.“I really wanna keep doing it too if you do.”
“There’s a party.” Alex needs to understand why Guerin is still here, most likely leading him on, when he could be partying hard with the Evans.
“I’d rather we have our own.”
“You barely know me,” Alex tries to reason. He can see the moment Guerin catches on with what he’s trying to do, the light in those whiskey eyes dimming until all they show is a sorrow that runs deep.
“I know enough,” he whispers, the softness in his voice evident.
“So you know I’m into guys and you’re questioning?” Alex knows he’s being harsh, but he needs to protect his heart. Twenty-four hours ago it was shattered by the same guy who’s now standing in front of him saying he wants to keep kissing Alex, when the day before he escaped into a bathroom to get rid of Alex trying to make a move.
“No,” Michael shrugs. “I know you’re smart and beautiful and funny.”
It’s then that Alex realizes Guerin isn’t going anywhere — he’s still there, looking down at Alex as though he’s some sort of treasure worth worshipping, and Alex is weak. He’s so weak for Michael Guerin, in ways he hadn’t thought possible, because they barely know each other. They’ve barely interacted. But Alex feels a connection, a pull, that’s almost out of this world.
It feels cosmic.
He allows his fingers to track up Guerin’s skin from his elbows up his arms until they’re resting on Guerin’s shoulders, playing with the hem of the t-shirt, and then moving up once again — up, up, up — until they’re cupping Guerin’s neck and entangling into those wild curls that are so soft under his touch that they melt Alex’s heart.
Their second kiss is softer than the first, everlasting. Alex tries to pour everything he feels into it, and Michael responds in kind, pulling him closer with his hands on Alex’s hips. The kiss deepens along the motion; Alex tries to be mindful of Michael’s busted lips, making a mental note to ask him about it later, when he’s not as preoccupied as he is right now.
They kiss and kiss, and kiss some more, lips chasing lips as they grow bolder but don't move. Alex is beginning to worry that, if he simply takes a moment to breathe, the magic of the moment will dissolve and he'll find himself standing alone in the middle of the room. He tugs at Michael’s hair, curls looped around his fingers, and Michael lets out a low wail that sends a shiver up Alex’s spine and makes all his blood rush south.
Alex has never felt so much in sync with anyone. He hasn't ever thought it could be possible, but it seems Michael’s inside his head, pushing and pulling right in the way Alex needs. He sneaks a hand beneath Michael’s t-shirt, fingers touching reverently the molten skin, and his breath hitches when Michael pulls away briefly.
The panic that flares up in his heart subsides when he realizes Michael is taking his clothes off before diving back in for another kiss that blows Alex’s mind away. Their hands move over sweaty skin, their lips nipping and biting and kissing and soothing, and soon enough Alex needs more.
The problem is, he's pretty sure Michael has never gone this far with a guy. There are rumors about his abilities in bed, but judging by the way he bolted when Alex tried to kiss him that fateful first time, Michael hasn't had any experience with guys.
“Wait,” Michael breathed.
Alex takes his hands off Michael’s skin so fast that the movement leaves him dizzy. Michael catches his wrists and forces him to stay in place, offering a small but reassuring smile.
“Do you, uh, like," he begins. "Do you know how to, like—”
Alex wants to cry in relief. He isn’t being rejected again — Michael is scared because it’s his first time. Alex wants it to be the best first time ever — better than his, for sure. He places his hands softly on Michael’s chest. "Yeah. Do you?" he asks, no judgement in his voice.
Michael stares down at him nervously before admitting, “I, uh, not with a guy. Kinda lost on how exactly that works.”
“Well, I can explain it to you,” Alex offers. “If you want," he adds quickly. As much as he thinks Michael is willing to give this a try as well, he doesn't want to force himself onto him.
"I want," Michael promises, the kiss that follows bruising with its heat.
“Okay,” Alex acquiesces. He lifts his hands up once again to play with Michael's curls. He can feel Michael getting undone under his ministrations. It makes his next words really difficult to say, because he now knows how much both of them want this to happen. “But we don’t even have to go, like, that far,” he explains. “I don’t really have any—Like, I didn’t bring lube or anything, didn’t really anticipate this, so maybe we should just stick to the basics.” He feels silly just by speaking the words, but they seem to soothe something in Michael’s soul, for he suddenly seems a bit more relaxed.
“Basics?” Michael repeats, his eyes wide and his curls wild. Alex can’t help himself — he has to lean in and kiss him.
“If you want to, with me.”
“God, Alex,” Michael huffs out, shaking his head, his whole body trembling under Alex’s hands. “I literally have never wanted anything more than you in my entire life. I feel like my heart is going to explode in my chest. I have never liked someone as much as I like you and it’s really made this weekend impossible to enjoy anything that wasn’t you.”
Alex needs a moment to collect himself after such a declaration. He would have never anticipated Michael Guerin wanting him just as much as he wants Michael — the sudden desire that’s all-consuming, that’s taken him by surprise but that same desire he doesn’t want to kill because it feels like killing a vital part of himself. He thought he’d never be on the receiving end of such a distinct and intense kind of affection.
He’s never been happier to be mistaken.
He pulls Michael in for another kiss, steadier and heavier, but also slower and purer. Alex brings everything he has into this kiss — everything he can give the world, he pours into that single touch of lips on lips. He feels more than hears Michael chuckling against his mouth in awe, and he giggles as well.
When he takes Michael’s hand and leads him to the bed, Alex feels at peace for the first time in his almost eighteen years of life.
Alex is dreaming of spring and blue skies when a knock on the door startles him awake. He burrows his face deeper into the pillow, trying to chase the remnants of sleep, when he notices the plushness of the pillow — a quality it didn’t have the night before. When he cracks one eye open, he sees he’s on top of Michael Guerin.
Memories from last night rush to the front of his mind — the heated kisses and the sounds of skin on skin, the tingling sensation in the places where Michael touched him, the powerful smell of rain and the connection that he felt — and he chooses to still burrow himself into Michael — never again Guerin, not after last night.
“Alex,” Michael shakes him. “We gotta get up. Bus loads in like, an hour.”
He sighs, surrendering to having to act like a human being when all he wants to do is stay in this little bubble of happiness forever, and looks up at him. Michael is surely a sight for sore eyes. “You’ve got sex hair,” he points out.
Michael snorts, running a hand through Alex’s own hair, spiking it even more. “Haha, I wonder why,” he deadpans.
“Yeah, me too,” Alex teases. Ignoring the knocking on the door, he pushes himself up on one elbow to catch Michael’s lips in a kiss that leads to more and more, until the knocking becomes unbearable and it’s impossible to turn a deaf ear on it.
“Michael! Open up! I need you or I’m gonna die!”
Alex recognizes Isobel Evans’ voice; Michael sighs and pouts at him. He makes a gesture to indicate that she isn’t going away anytime soon. So, Alex has to make a decision.
It’s easier than he expected, if he’s honest with himself.
“Get dressed, we’ll pretend nothing happened,” he offers. He’s used to being a secret, to being in the shadows. He guesses this time it shouldn’t be different. Michael stumbles out of bed, and Alex can see him trying to walk on unsteady legs. He huffs out a laugh. “Sore?” he teases again, waving two fingers at Michael for good measure. He’s hit with the memory of what exactly those fingers did to Michael the night before, and a wave of un undefined feeling crashes over him. He could do it all over again, and the sadness that comes with knowing that they won’t anytime soon — not after they come back to the real world of high school and living in trucks and fighting against family and former friends — is almost overwhelming.
Michael makes quick work of unmaking the bed that hasn’t been used and opens the door, letting Isobel in. She doesn’t seem to notice the reeking smell of sex in the air, or the fact that Alex is almost completely naked underneath the covers. She sits on Michael’s bed and begins a tirade about how annoying her roommate has been. Alex manages to put on his underwear beneath the duvet and walks to the bathroom to pack his things. He doesn’t need to listen to Isobel Evans’s white girl complaining about how every need she has hasn’t been catered to.
When he gets out of the bathroom, Michael is alone, Isobel nowhere to be seen. Alex smiles.
“We have the room for ourselves,” Michael offers.
“I thought the bus loaded in less than an hour,” Alex laughs. “And you have yet to pack.”
“Advantage of being a foster kid,” Michael explains coyly, taking the few steps separating them and grabbing Alex by his waist. “I can pack in a few seconds.”
Alex laughs again and falls back into Michael, kissing him good morning in the way he wished he could have before Isobel interrupted them noisily.
They end up being late to the bus, but Mr. Rowe is too busy complimenting them on not having killed each other to actually scold them for being late. Alex takes his usual seat by the front of the bus while Michael climbs back with Isobel and Max. They don’t exchange more than a few surreptitious glances before the bus starts, and then they resort to texting. Alex is glad that the teachers forced them to exchange phone numbers with their roommates; otherwise, he wouldn’t have been able to communicate with Michael now.
He knows they have to talk, and he knows it’s something they need to do as soon as possible, but Alex also wants to stay in this little bubble of calmness and happiness a little longer before bursting it with the harshness of reality. He knows they won’t be able to stay alone. He knows they won’t be allowed to be together. He isn’t even sure if Michael wants to keep doing this. He isn’t even sure if Michael wants more out of this.
All Alex knows is that he wants more. He wants it all. He wants that weird smell of rain to engulf him. He wants to touch those soft curls every day for the rest of his life.
What are you doing later? Michael texts him. Alex swallows down a huff. Even Michael Guerin texts perfectly.
He has to refrain from typing what are you doing for the rest of your life because he doesn’t want to come across as some sort of creep, instead settling for nothing. no one’s picking me up.
Michael sends him a thumbs up emoji. When nothing else comes through, Alex looks back to see Michael focused on something Isobel’s saying. With a sigh, he falls back against the seat and looks out the window to help him pass the time.
The bus takes them right back into the school, and, as predicted, nobody’s waiting for Alex there. When everyone’s gone — including Maria and Liz, who have both offered him a ride back home, which he’s very politely refused — he walks up towards Michael, who’s leaning back against his truck parked at the furthest parking spot.
“We should talk,” he says once he’s in front of Michael and they’re all alone. He waits as Michael smiles at him and points at his back, signalling the truck he’s been leaning into.
“Wanna go for a ride?”
Alex smiles. “Hell yeah, I do.”
He follows Michael inside and remains silent as Michael starts up the engine and takes them away from the school grounds. Alex watches as the scenery changes from the town buildings to the desert, the colors blending into the yellows and browns of the wilderness around them. He rests his forehead against the window, reminiscing of the same gesture on the bus when he thought he’d played himself, and he smiles.
Michael reaches out blindly and grabs Alex’s hand, lacing their fingers together and squeezing, a promise of what’s to come as he pulls up when they reach the turquoise mines. He lifts both their hands and kisses Alex’s knuckles before helping him out of the truck.
They do much more than talking in the desert, but when they come back up to the truck, they’re more than they were before. They’re an item. They’re together.
And they’re stronger.