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Under the crisp blue sky, where the last few days of a hint of summer bliss remain, the sun hangs high above the rooftop cafe and drowns Chan and Jisung in it's golden rays. The air is clear—as clear as it can be in the city— and the chaos of the world is drowned out by the fascinated murmurs of Jisung who admires the accumulation of tattoos across his older best friends arms, paying careful attention to the new one above the back of his right elbow, a warm yellow colored Calendula.
"This might be one of my favorites," Jisung admits with a cheeky grin. "It definitely stands out in the midst of all the rest of your dark black and 'edgy' tattoos."
"Yah!" Chan pulls his arm back with a pout. "I just never felt like getting color before until this one."
"Hmm, it suits you," Jisung takes his seat across from the older and picks up his cup, taking a sip of his americano with brows furrowed in thought.
"And what about you?" Chan prompts.
The straw falls from Jisung's lips as he tilts his head.
" What about me?"
Chan clicks his tongue. "You've been of age for a year, and you're nineteen now, and I know you've wanted a tattoo for... as long as I've known you." He chuckles at the memory of a once thirteen year old tiny Jisung talking about his favorite rappers and how cool they were for wearing dark eye makeup and leather jackets and sporting a bunch of piercings and tattoos. It's kind of ironic that's how Chan turned out to look now, and the thought makes his stomach twist. He shrugs. "I just thought you'd have gotten one by now, that's all."
"Ah," Jisung sighs exaggeratedly. "Not everyone is as luxuriously rich as you, Channie."
"What? I'm not!" Chan barks a laugh.
"I'm kidding! I know you worked hard to pay for those, hyung," Jisung softens with a cheeky smile, mouth molding into the very endearing shape of a heart. Chan feels himself grow at least five degrees hotter even with the cool breeze blowing against his neck.
"To be honest," Jisung starts, and Chan leans in curiously. "I haven't thought of anything too meaningful to get yet..."
Chan huffs, feeling cooler at the sight of the younger's sheepishness.
"That's okay, I was only teasing. You can take your time to decide if you really want something."
"Oh, I know I do," Jisung waves him off. "It's just that I kind of.. wanted a... matching tattoo." His eyes move up to meet Chan's expression, seeing the confusion flicker in his eyes before elaborating. "For us. I mean that I- I want us to get matching tattoos. For my first..."
Heat rushes back through Chan's entire body. He can feel the redness flaring on his neck and up to his ears, gradually shading in his cheeks with a bashful pink.
"Really?" Is all he manages to ask, perhaps not in the best tone as Jisung seemingly sits back with a bit of embarrassment.
"I guess it's kinda stupid—"
"Wait! Sungie, no. I'm only shocked because I'm.. honored."
Jisung, biting his lip, looks up again.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Chan reaches a hand across the table, and Jisung fits his right into it. "That's a great idea, if you're sure you want that. I'd love to do that with you."
Jisung's face brightens in a way that definitely outshines the sun. He looks unreal Chan thinks, and then squashes the thought before he can grow all flustered once more.
"This is so exciting!" Jisung squeezes their linked hands. "We have to think of something good, Channie hyung. It's got to be special."
Chan looks at him fondly. "Well it's us, you should know it'll be great."
Jisung nods, satisfied and absolutely gleaming with joy.
All the emotions swirling inside Chan's gut are a storm, like suffocating humidity in the form of breath taken lungs, and torrential rain floods his veins with the purest watering of affection. When he sees Jisung like this he's reminded of the longing, the secret thoughts he definitely shouldn't have for his best friend, the extra glances he spares him in every crowded space—just to make it feel like it's only them, always them, against the world—and the tight squeeze in his heart are all one small price to pay for the preservation of their friendship. He wouldn't mess it up for the world.
~
A week later Jisung's crashing Chan's apartment claiming he's too backed up on university assignments to even consider starting them because he won't get anything done in this state of stress anyways.
So Chan resists the urge to play parent and scold him, and rather offers to order some food so they can indulge themselves and binge anime to take their minds off some stressors. If that includes putting off his own work at the studio for his internship—which is a very hard thing to get Chan to do—then he completely denies that it's because he's just so unbelievably whipped for his best friend.
Jisung turns up at his door with a rather rushed and unconventional greeting as he shoves past him to sit at the kitchen table, setting his laptop down and opening it up. Chan gives him a deadpan look of dismay, much to the younger’s amusement.
"I made a collage of different tattoos I like for us and I really need to know what you think," Jisung impatiently waves him over.
Chan sets one foot forward before stopping when he gets a good look at Jisung. His black hair is tousled with his bangs messily parted, shiny silver jewelry dangles from his ears, and a sweatshirt two sizes two big on him hangs above his exposed knees in his ripped black jeans. An intense wave of admiration ripples over his head once again, like he's drowning.
Fuck.
"Come on old man," Jisung's snicker pulls him back to shore. "I think you'll really like some of these!"
Chan comes back above the waves, taking a deep breath. He stands behind Jisung and peers at the screen from over his shoulder. The younger's already scrolling slowly through the various arrangements of tattoos, and it's obvious that all of them have the type of style Chan tends to go for, traditional line-work, minimal realism, but with specific attention to detail to create a true artistic image. It warms his heart to think Jisung would take that into account with every one he'd chosen.
"My favorites are on the last page," Jisung explains, continuing to skim over them until he gets to it.
They last page happens to have a theme with many variations. Every tattoo is some type of compass, some are the literal version, but there's also a few of two arrows crossed over one another to form a standard X with the ends of the arrows replicated to look like the tail of a feather. A few of them just have north, south, east and west directions labeled at their points, but others point to meaningful words or family names, and some arrows shoot through something like a heart or a flower. Chan can admit they're cute, a few of them catch his eye, but there's one other that really strikes something in him.
"This one's cool," He points to it.
Jisung's mouth twitches immediately and he has to holds back an overexcited smile.
"That's my top choice," He clicks on it to make the image bigger. It's the X of a compass, but the tip on the left side is pointing towards a tiny star, and the right side is pierced through a crescent moon.
"It reminded me of one of your songs, and also a set of lyrics I was writing a while back," Jisung reveals with a shy smile. "It’s like a piece of both of us. It felt meant to be when I saw it."
"I really like it," Chan rests his chin on Jisung's shoulder. "It seems fitting, and it's my type of style too!"
"Yeah, I didn't want to mess up your theme or something," Jisung giggles, shoulders jostling beneath Chan's head. He can't help but join in the laughter too, heart light and his head fuzzy with the comfort of his younger friends presence.
Once they fall quiet again Chan grabs his phone, going into his calendar to skim the next few weeks of his schedule.
"Now we just have to make an appointment."
"How soon?" Jisung looks up.
Chan shrugs. "Most places take walk-ins, but the artist I go to typically books in advance. He never disappoints, though."
Jisung stares at him, eyes trailing over his arms wondrously as if he's not already memorized every tattoo that coats his skin. Chan convinces himself that he's only imagining the slight blush and fond look in Jisung's eyes as he looks him up and down.
"Can we go to the shop tomorrow?" Jisung scoots to the edge of his seat and bats his eyes innocently.
"As long as you're sure," Chan checks once more.
Jisung flashes a thumbs up. "Never been more positive of anything in my life!"
And like that it's settled.
They spend the rest of the night parked in front of the TV eating pizza, and binging shows. Eventually they grow tired of whatever episode of the anime is on, and they divulge into a very serious debate about tattoos.
"Friend tattoos are safe, I think. I just believe it's careless to get a couples one," Jisung snorts, then cringes. “The thought of ending a relationship but still barring a permanent mark from it on your body sounds pretty awful.”
Chan nods to show his acknowledgment, but he feels an uncomfortable warmth bleeding from his chest.
What would Jisung think about their matching tattoos if he knew the way Chan really feels?
"But we don't have to worry about that, we're soulmates after all. Platonically. We'll be fine, I could never regret a tattoo with you," Jisung continues.
Now it's a snow storm, Chan feels cold and vulnerable in the blizzard like winds, white falls from the sky and blurs any perception of the world around him. His steps are uncertain, one wrong move and the ground might slip out from under him.
"I guess you’re right," He chokes the words out, even if they burn his throat.
"You know I am, Channie," Jisung says playfully and winks.
You have no idea, Chan thinks, but instead he smiles, forcing any trace of despair away from his face.
Some things are better left unsaid.
~
A month has passed since Chan and Jisung booked their appointment, and it's finally the day.
"Are you nervous?" The tattoo artist asks as he finishes cleaning Jisung's arm off.
"Not really," Jisung plays it cool, but Chan feels the way he's gripping unbelievable tightly to his hand, and so he soothes over his knuckles with the pad of his thumb.
"You'll be fine," He promises sweetly.
A haze of safeness and security blankets Jisung, and he lets himself relax back into the chair as the artist places the design on his arm to get the perfect placement, then holds up the mirror for him to look at it.
"Good?" He asks.
Jisung stares and yes, he already loves it despite it not being real yet.
"Perfect," He nods.
The tattoo itself is pretty simple, and Jisung's done in no more than thirty minutes with minimal pain and a lot of excitement. He gets it cleaned and—after he takes a photo—all wrapped up. When it's Chan's turn Jisung stands at his side and holds his hand too, even though they both know he doesn't need it. And if Jisung decides to be his usual cheesy self and comfortingly rub Chan's knuckles while mouthing 'it's okay' to him, only Chan will know what it's like to have butterflies flutter rapidly from his stomach to the base of his throat from the gesture.
A few hours later they're back at Chan's apartment, unwrapping their fresh ink to wash and treat it so it's kept clean and can start to heal. Chan takes Jisung step by step through the process to make sure the younger will take care of it properly. The whole time Jisung can't stop gushing about how it's real, he really, finally has got his tattoo, and it's even more special of course, since it's matching with his best friend.
Once they've washed up they grab two drinks and head out to sit on the rooftop of Chan's apartment, soaking in the cool autumn breeze and watching the sunset. It's a perfect way to celebrate Jisung's first tattoo.
Now Chan has no idea how he's gotten sucked into a deep conversation with the younger in the past hour, but Jisung often has that kind of effect. His thoughts are too mature for his age sometimes, and he gets a little lost in them without even realizing.
Their friendship is the new topic of conversation, and after everything, Chan isn't so sure he can handle it.
"It's honestly childish and naive to say we'll be together forever, because you just never know, right?" Jisung bites his lip contemplatively, not intending to sour the mood, but even so Chan feels the pull at his heart. The urge to stop the younger's bad habit of abusing his poor lip makes him flush, and he squashes the idea of wanting to kiss away the phantom pain of his canines piercing into the soft flesh.
Jisung glances at the tattoo on the upper part of his forearm with a small smile and crinkled eyes, and turns to Chan. He admires the matching mark now on the front of the older's shoulder, finding it to be an honor that Chan chose one of his more visible and last free spaces on his arm just for their matching tattoo, like he's just as proud to have it as Jisung is.
"I don't think we could ever fall out," Jisung continues. "Life might take us different places one day, but I don't think anything could make me regret having something that'll always keep a part of you with me."
"I... I think so too," Chan gulps and tries to recover some stability in his voice. "I could never regret you or this friendship." Friendship tastes bitter on his tongue.
Jisung smiles, nice and easy like he always does. Heart shaped smile and crescent eyes, cherub cheeks puffed out. Chan knows it would hurt more to lose moments like this by confessing than to just continue silently keeping his truth at bay. It's not a pain so easily bared, but the fear of the consequences surely makes it seem worth it.
A cloud looms overhead, and the overcast makes Jisung look a bit gloomy all of a sudden, and his smile starts to fade.
"Hopefully it'll always be us, soulmates for life no matter where we are, who we're with, or what we're doing, right?" Insecurity bleeds through Jisung's small voice, and Chan seeks to comfort him.
He reaches out and laces their hands together without a second thought. It hurts that this means so much more to him than Jisung knows, could ever and will ever know.
"Always," Chan fixes him with the most reassuring stare. "It'll always be us."
"Good," Jisung squeezes back. "Love you, hyung."
Time stops. The world freezes. Chan's heart beats.
It's just them.
"Love you too, Sungie," He prides himself on his ability to keep it together.
The clouds overhead clear, and the dimming sun comes back into sight above the burnt orange horizon line. Jisung rests his head on Chan's shoulder, the one not sporting a new tattoo, and closes his eyes in content.
Deep in his heart, Chan knows it'll always be them, but it will never be more, it will never and can never be what he longs for. But with that knowledge, Han Jisung is still well worth the hellish sacrifice of experiencing a seemingly never ending heartache and intense longing, and all the wondering and questioning and all the what if's or could be's can be pushed down.
Even if he's in love, it’s easier to just be friends.