Chapter Text
it was a Friday night and Todd found himself inside the cave that he and his fellow dead poets had become familiar with over the past year or so. The annual winter formal, in which Welton Academy and Henley Hall allowed their students to mix for an evening, had come to an end roughly two hours ago and - thanks to the oddly charming personalities of Neil Perry and Charlie Dalton - the boys were joined by a few of the girls from the dance. The poets chatted excitedly to them, obviously seizing the chance at being in the company of girls for once. Pitts and Meeks were awkwardly explaining the intricacies of their hi-fi system in the hopes of impressing one of the Henley Hall girls, who nodded along politely but looked far more disinterested than she was making herself out to be. Todd didn't really bask in the same excitement as his friends, but instead opted to sit back and watch everyone else.
They were still sat in their dress shirts, blazers long since discarded and ties loosened, their once perfectly styled hair having broken free from the hair gel that had been heavily applied earlier in the day. Whilst the Henley Hall girls were still in their dresses, their shoes had been removed and one girl had borrowed Knox's coat with the claim of being 'too cold'.
A bottle of wine that Charlie had somehow managed to produce was passed around and the group fashioned themselves into a cramped circle around the cave's perimeter. Todd was overly aware of the way his knee touched the girl to his left - Sophie, if he remembered correctly - but he resisted the urge to pull away from her. The fear of her noticing and thinking him rude kept him rooted to the spot. He wrung his hands anxiously, trying to swallow the feeling of discomfort that slowly descended upon him.
What was wrong with him? He was sitting right next to a beautiful girl, who was actually interested in hanging out with him no less, and instead of talking to her, he was making a point to stare intensely at the grey floor of the cave. Keating's teachings of 'carpe diem' and 'seizing the day' rang loudly in his head, but Todd knew deep down that this wasn't what he really wanted. She wasn't who he really wanted.
"So," Charlie spoke up. "What do you say we make things a little more interesting?"
"I don't like where this is going." Meeks passed the near-empty bottle of wine to Pitts, who accepted it gratefully.
A look of mock offence painted Charlie's features as he stood up, pointing an accusing finger at the red-head. "My ideas are great and you know it, Meeks. I was gonna suggest a game of truth or dare, not a bacchanal."
Cameron scoffed at this, but even he couldn't stop a laugh from escaping his mouth.
"I'll play some truth or dare." A girl to the right of Neil offered, prompting all of her friends to agree almost instantly, nodding enthusiastically.
Knox was quick to interject. "Me too!"
"Well then, gentlemen, ladies. Let's get this started."
-
Todd knew he couldn't avoid playing forever but he had at least hoped he wouldn't have been picked on so soon into the game.
"Todd!" Charlie flashed him an excited look, a mischievous tone to his voice that made the boy's nerves flare. "Truth or dare?"
Caught off guard, he nearly dropped the cigarette balanced between his two fingers. Eleven pairs of eyes suddenly landed on him and, before he even had time to process what he was saying, the word 'dare' had fallen from his lips.
Shit.
Even Knox knew better than to accept a dare from Charlie Dalton. Todd knew there was no way he could get out of this, so he forced an expression that he hoped looked confident and lifted his gaze to meet Charlie's. Childish 'oohs' filled the cave, and Pitts raised his cigarette in a salute of respect as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. Everyone waited for Charlie's next words, the silence deafening Todd with every passing second.
"I dare you to.." he paused, eyes flickering around the cave until he seemed to find what he was looking for. "I dare you, Todd Anderson, to kiss our very own Neil Perry."
Todd swore that his heart dropped. Charlie couldn't be serious. He couldn't actually expect him to kiss Neil. Neil, his best friend. Neil, his fucking roommate. But Charlie was looking at him with that stupid, unwavering grin and oh God, he was serious. Todd mustered up the courage to look over at Neil, who appeared to be just as surprised at Charlie's declaration as he was. The two made eye contact and Todd felt his face flush a dark crimson. Luckily, the cave was too dimly lit for anyone to have been able to notice, although he wouldn't be surprised if everyone could feel the heat that was radiating from his cheeks like a beacon of his embarrassment.
It wasn't that Todd didn't want to kiss Neil. Oh no, the problem was it was very much the opposite. Todd wanted to kiss Neil more than he would ever dare to admit, and it scared him. Especially now, looking at Neil who was almost glowing next to the soft, golden light of a stolen lantern, looking more angelic than ever; Todd thought he would die if he didn't do something soon. Before he could even convince himself to accept, the intense fear of rejection clawed at his throat as his mind grasped to find an appropriate response. He could barely hear the teasing whistles and cheers over the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears.
"Charlie-" he began, cringing at the sound of his voice breaking as he trailed off. "You can't, you can't just spring that on people." He chuckled nervously, hoping to god he sounded casual."I mean, what if Neil isn't comfortable with it or something."
Good one, Todd. Make sure everyone knows that you're totally comfortable with kissing Neil, that's a great idea!
"It's not like it means anything." Maria, another of the Henley Hall girls, spoke up. She shrugged nonchalantly and gestured between the two boys, pushing a lock of blonde hair behind her hair. "It's only a game."
"Exactly!"
"Yeah, go on Todd!"
"Come on!"
Neil looked at Todd with a bemused expression, his eyebrows raised in a questioning manner. Todd stared back at him, trying to communicate something silently to the brunette. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to let any words rise past the lump in his throat.
He understood his friends were trying to be encouraging, but Todd had never regretted telling Charlie about his crush more. He knew it was only a matter of time until something happened - he was Charlie Dalton, after all - but he didn't think it would be now, here, in front of everyone.
Maria gave Todd what he assumed was supposed to be a reassuring smile. "It's really not that big of a deal. Look."
With that, she turned to the side and cupped Neil's face, pressing her lips to his without a second thought. After taking a moment to process what was happening, Neil kissed back.
A wave of nausea crashed over Todd, his mind immediately rotting with envy. It was like someone had dangled a promise of happiness in his face, only to pull it away from him at the very last second and crush it between their palms. But he couldn't tear his eyes away from the two, and as he watched Neil's hand move up to run through the girl's hair, he couldn't help but wish he'd just accepted the dare when he could. It wasn't until he felt a sharp pang of pain that he snapped out of his trance. In his ignorance, he had let his cigarette burn all the way down to his fingertips. He hissed quietly, dropping the remaining butt onto the floor and crushing it aggressively under his heel. Perfect. Now he had a burnt hand to go with his fractured heart.
The cheers had died down by this point and Todd looked up to discover the two had broken apart. Neil looked sheepish, but grinned at his friends' wolf whistles and suggestive comments, waving a hand to dismiss them. He tried to look happy, throwing a quick thumbs up in Neil's direction, but it was taking everything in him not to scream.
"Hey. Todd still needs to do his dare." Cameron reminded, raising his eyebrows and turning his attention to Todd.
Charlie moved to pat him on the shoulder and simpered. "Here, I'll make it easier for you. Just kiss the hottest person in the cave. Don't worry, I'm up for it whenever you're ready."
Todd rolled his eyes good-naturedly and shrugged Charlie's hand from where it lay on his shoulder.
"In your dreams, Dalton."
He looked around the cave quickly, his mind drawing an utter blank on who he was supposed to choose. Neil wasn't a choice for obvious reasons. This was the same with Cameron. He couldn't bring himself to kiss Meeks or Pitts, and whilst he loved Knox, he wasn't close enough to the boy to be able to kiss him and move on from it any time soon. He contemplated taking Charlie up on his offer and passing it off as a joke, but then it dawned on him.
Standing from his place, he walked over to where Neil was sitting with faux-confidence.
"Uh, are you okay with this?" He asked, nerves getting the better of him and cracking his attempted facade. After getting a nod of confirmation, he took a breath and leaned in.
Maria was an alright kisser. There was nothing particularly wrong with the kiss at all, he just didn't feel anything like he thought he was supposed to. It was nothing like he'd read in countless poems, or novels, but it was okay, he thought. It got him through his dare, and that was what mattered.
He pulled away to the overexcited cacophony of his friends, running a hand through his hair in embarrassment. Todd risked a look in Neil's direction and frowned, seeing his mouth had settled into a thin line.
He likes Maria. He likes Maria and Todd just kissed her in front of him. Shit, he's really fucked it up this time.
-
It had come to the point where the Henley Hall girls had to leave. They'd thanked the boys for a good night and exchanged pleasantries, collecting their things and making their way out of the cave carefully. Neil and Todd had barely talked for the rest of the night, and it was killing Todd. His head was a maze of worries and anxieties, and each time he thought they had faded out, they would flare back up again, more powerful than the last. It wasn't until Neil had offered to walk the girls back with Knox and Charlie that the alarm bells started screaming in Todd’s mind.
Neil was probably trying to avoid him, and Todd didn't blame him after the stupid decision he'd pulled two hours earlier. He forced himself to smile and wave a goodbye, before walking himself back to his empty dorm, slumped over with his hands in his pockets. He shut the door with a slam, throwing himself onto the bed without even bothering to change out of his formal clothes. Todd buried his face into his pillow in the hopes that maybe it would absorb him and he wouldn't have to inevitably face Neil that night. He wondered if kissing Neil would have been the better option at this point, and let out a pained groan at the thought.
Todd Anderson was well and truly fucked.