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Killua stared at himself in the mirror.
His chest ached as the binder compressed every inch of his chest and ribs.
Why was he born in a girl body? Why did the world curse him like this? Why wasn't he a normal boy? Why was his voice high pitched like a mothers perfect "little girl"?
It hurt.
So much.
He could feel the tears swelling in his eyes with each second he looked at himself. His chest wasnt entirely flat and he had feminine features.
Why didn't he have a flat chest he could show off at the beach or when it was too hot? Why couldn't he have masculine features people would love? Why couldn't he have that scratchy but gentle deep voice? Everyone seemed to love it in males. Why was he trapped in this body?
It wasn't his. This isn't the correct body.
His eyes became too blurry to see. He sat on the floor muffling his sobs. He couldn't breathe properly with this binder, but it wasnt worth taking it off. The world was spinning with each sharp inhale.
Gon was in the room and he really did not want to disturb him. Especially on the days he was most vulnerable with his hormones everywhere. He was just being dramatic, Killua told himself to try and calm down. Gon already had enough with being his boyfriend, this would only be a nuisance.
While killua continued to try and conceal this midnight dysphoria crisis, he heard a knock on the door.
"... Killua, are you okay? "
Killua stayed silent in fear of letting out a sob.
"I heard some noises, is everything alright?"
"Can I come in?"
"Killua?"
Killuas throat was stinging as words couldn't form properly. Just a few attempts that came out as an odd noise.
Gon took this as a sign he could come in.
When Gon opened the bathroom door, he saw Killua's eyes extremely red and some red marks all over his body as if he was pinching it.
"KILLUA!?!", Gon exclaimed a little too loud. He made his way to Killua as fast as he could.
Gon picked up Killuas face and attempted to wipe his tears.
With this action Killua couldn't help but start sobbing without muffling them.
Gon brought Killua into a hug while sitting, so Killuas head laid on his shoulder. Gon rubbed his back and soothed his hair in attempt to make Killua feel better.
"It's okay Killua..its okay", Gon whispered to Killua.
After those words, Gon wasn't sure if silence was better or if Killua needed to talk. Killua wasn't always open about his feelings, so it hurt Gon to see Killua in this state.
Since Killua kept his silence, Gon figured it would be best to let Killua let out his tears then speak.
As Killua cried into Gons chest trying to lessen them, he thought of many awful things.
What if Gon didn't see Killua as a boy? What if he was just a girl to him? Was Gon annoyed that Killua was trans?
These thoughts hurt Killua so much. He hated the way he thought. The feeling of guilt, anger, sadness mixed so horribly. Everything was just too much.
As the silence continued, Killua's sobs and tears lessened. He was catching his breath little by little.
Soon Killua spoke.
"...I, I'm sorry for disrupting your sleep." Killua said as he still looked at the ground.
Gon picked up Killua's face so they were making eye contact. The gloss in Killua's eys made Gon's heart sting.
"Killua, listen. You would never be a disruption. I don't care what I could be doing, Where I could be, If you were hurt in any way, I'd be more than willing to help."
"You mean the absolute world to me, okay? Whenever you feel like this, whether its for this reason or any other reason, I'm always here, do you understand?"
Killua nodded letting out a few tears because of Gon's words.
"It's pretty late, so we are going to go to bed, but you're going to have to take off the binder, alright?" Gon stated as he walked out of the restroom to get a shirt for Killua.
Killua looked frightened at this statement and was overal hesitant on the action. He didn't want to see the body he was cursed with in any way.
Gon came back with a black t-shirt for Killua, but he was saddened at the expression on Killua's face.
As Gon made his was to Killua, he said, "If you'd like, you can close your eyes, and I'll close mine as I change you."
Killua's eyes widened on how gentle Gon was with him. He wondered if he deserved someone like Gon as he nodded to Gon's statement.
Killua squeezed his eyes shut, as did Gon as the clips were being unclipped from Killuas binder.
The pressure being released from Killua's chest felt almost nice as he could breathe properly. There was no more weight on there, it felt refreshing.
Killua lifted his arms so Gon could put on the
shirt. And just like that, the process was over.
Killua smiled just a bit at Gon as they both opened their eyes.
"Let's go to bed now, okay?",Gon said softly.
"...okay",Killua said almost as a whisper.
When they reached the bed, Killua could feel his cramps kicking in. These god forsaken pains hurt too much. They felt like a taunt saying "You're not a boy, killua." That stung his heart.
They both laid down in silence for a few minutes before killua spoke.
"Can we cuddle, please?",he said softly.
Gon was glad Killuas had asked. He was glad he was of use to Killua.
"Of course." Gon said as he moved closer to Killua.
Killua enjoyed feeling Gon's arms around him. He enjoyed Gon's hair tickling the back of his neck. This feeling was nice. It brought peace to Killua's mind.
As a few minutes passed, Gon assumed Killua was asleep. With this thought, Gon whispered to him.
"Killua, I am extremely lucky to have met you. I really hope you realize that. I hope you know you are a boy to me. You're the most amazing boyfriend I could've asked for. I care for you deeply and hope one day you can be comfortable in your body no matter what it takes. I will be with you through every step of the way. I love you, Killua."
Gon hugged Killua closer and placed a kiss on killuas head.
Killua was infact awake but decided to stay silent. A few moments later, Gon was snoring soundly.
"....thank you, I love you too, Gon"
This feeling was safe. In Gon's arms. Being accepted.
This is home. Gon was home.
The boys were both sound asleep, legs tangled against each other, snoring peacefully.