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Somedays Senkuu had to remember, He was only human. Humans had doubts, they had insecurities, fears. Senkuu always tried not to pay any mind to them. Even in the old world he only let his doubt slip for a second before he pushed it aside. Pushed it away and said he’d wait with it later alone in his room, but now he was a leader. It was his responsibility to save humanity. All the humanities scientific knowledge was in his brain. Sometimes that would encourage Senkuu… and other days Senkuu could feel the true weight of those words. As the kingdom of science grew so did that responsibility.
It was late at night. Even Ryusui had called it a night, but Senkuuw was still awake looking at the course he had planned. He was trying to focus on it but something else was on his mind… They had sent off from treasure island a few weeks ago but something about the place still lingered in Senkuu’s mind. It was vague and Senkuu couldn't put an exact label on the feeling or why. It was just there. Eating away at him. He pushed it off to think later and with everything going on at the time he could push it off, but now it was quiet and Senkuu was alone. Only a small candle giving him light. The sound of the waves lightly crashing against the boat’s side, not giving much push. The orange tint color from the fire. It should’ve been peaceful. A good place to think…
Damn it! Focus!
Senkuu tapped the charcoal to the side of his head as he tried to think. Trying to plan, but nothing. Senkuu was drained but he couldn’t go to his bed and rest. Senkuu rubbed his eyes trying to keep them open. It wasn't the normal tiredness too. It was getting harder even just to stand. All his limbs felt light but like something was weighing them down. Senkuu pushed up his bangs out of his face. Even that took effort.
Alone.
Senkuu hated this. The frustration built up more and more. Why couldn’t he understand what was wrong? What was he doing? Why wasn’t he resting? Why couldn’t he focus? Why was he al-!?
“Senkuu chan?”A voice yawned from behind him.
“Mentalist?” Senkuu looked over his shoulder.
“Yeah,” Gen yawned into his purple overcoat. “What are you doing up so late?” Gen asked, dazed.
“Planning out the course. You?” Senkuu replied kind of glad Gen was here.
“I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep so I went to look for you but you weren’t in your room,” Gen explained.
“Ain't that sweet,” Senkuu half heartily rolled his eyes.
Gen’s presence was calming in a way but Senkuu still felt his head spinning. Plus, Senkuu didn’t want anyone to see him like this. Especially Gen. They didn’t really have a traditional relationship. They both agreed to wait on a proper relationship until after all of this was done but they’d sometimes do the things couples would do when they were alone and both felt comfortable. Even if Gen didn’t call Senkuu this boyfriend he still didn’t want Gen to see him so distressed.
“You think so?” Gen yawned.
“Heh- I was being-,” Senkuu started before he felt Gen’s chin rest on where the shoulder and neck connect.
“You’re so tense,” Gen pointed out, still sounding dazed. “What’s wrong Senkuu chan?”
“Nothing’s wrong. Go back to bed,” Senkuu told.
“Hmmm, I don’t believe you,” Gen placed a kiss in Senkuu’s hair.
“I’ve noticed it for a while… but I didn’t want to force you, but something on your mind,” Gen mumbled but his tone was stubborn.
Senkuu kept quiet. Even if he did want to talk about it how could he? He had no idea what was wrong either. Senkuu turned his eyes and the two’s eyes met. Gen’s blueish gray eyes blink at him like he was waiting for an answer. Senkuu turned his head to face forward and sighed.
“I don’t know,” Senkuu truthfully answered.
Alone.
Gen’s hand moved to Senkuu’s hand that was holding the charcoal and took it out of Senkuu’s hand.
“Okay, well when did the feeling start?” Gen asked.
“A few days after we felt the treasure island,” Senkuu answered.
“Anything else?”
“I was thinking about how we defeated Ibara when it started,” as Senkuu talked about it the feeling was bubbling up.
They trust you.
“Well I’m guessing you aren’t feeling guilty,” Gen softly jokes.
“Tch like I’d ever,” Senkuu rolled his eyes.
“We somehow managed to pull off that crazy plan,” Gen recalled fondly, but gen felt Senkuu tense up at the mention.
Senkuu didn’t even know why he did that, his body did it on his own. The feelings were bubbling up more and more. It felt like at any moment they’d spill, Senkuu won’t let them.
“Ohh that’s it huh?” Gen backed off. Gen seemed to understand before even Senkuu did. “Senkuu, you’re worried you can’t fill your duties as a leader?” Gen asked like it was a question but it sounded a lot like a statement.
“No, I know I can, mentalist,” Senkuu tried to calmly say it but it came out kind of cold to the other.
Was that really it? Senkuu did feel the feeling sink, but only for a second. They started to bubble more. The self doubt, the pain, the frustration. It was all just coming together. Senkuu clenched his jaw trying to keep the feelings at bay.
“No, you don’t,”
Gen’s voice was the last thing Senkuu wanted to hear saying that. Knowing when people were lying was one of Gen’s skills Senkuu found useful, but how he was internally cursing out the mentalist skills.
“It’s fine Gen,” Senkuu tried to tell him to get the other to back off.
“Tell me Senkuu chan,” Gen’s tone grew cold. “Is it?”
It was a simple two word question. All Senkuu had to do was say yes, but the words won’t form. He had his mouth open to say the words but all he got out was the start of a "h" sound. Something about how coldly the mentalist had said that. It was cruel and felt uncaring. Senkuu felt his face start to tingle. He clenched his eyes shut trying to stop the tears.
“So what?” Senkuu was able to say.
“Senkuu, talk to me,” Gen’s sudden sweet tone tipped Senkuu over the edge.
The tears ran down Senkuu’s quivering face. Senkuu tried to force it to stop.
Cut it out!
Senkuu's breathing became staggered, trying to breathe normally again.
“Shit...Damn it, Gen,” Senkuu wiped his tears with his palm.
“Hey Senkuu, look at me,” Senkuu refused to look at Gen like that. He could only imagine the face he was making. “Senkuu… look at me,” Gen took hold on one of Senkuu’s wrists and turned him around to face him. “Talk to me,”
“I-I- I don’t need your help,”
Senkuu didn’t want to be cold to Gen. He didn’t mean for it to come out that way but he didn’t want Gen to see him the way he was. Senkuu didn’t want to look at Gen’s expression. He thought Gen must’ve been upset with him, but no. A hand was placed on Senkuu’s cheek and guided his face to look at Gen. His eyebrows were lowered, eyes half lidded, and a smile all so bitterly sweet.
“You’re lying,” Gen stated.
Gen wiped off a few of Senkuu’s tears. It was stupid. They had been intimate before but this was a different feeling. Warm and caring. Gen’s hands were slender and a bit boney but the way he held Senkuu’s face. He felt safe.
“Tell me,” Gen repeated.
Senkuu pursed his mouth together, trying to think of the words.
“I feel alone,” Senkuu confessed. “Like all the responsibility, I have to do it and I feel alone,” Senkuu tried to word it. It was short and a bit choppy, and even to Senkuu, it didn’t make much sense. “Like everything I do, it’s so much and I don’t even know what I’m saying,” Senkuu started to ramble. “I have a job to do and I need to do it. Everyone trusts me so much and I can’t fail. If I fail then-,” So that’s it huh? “And I have to do it alone…,”
“You’re wrong,” Gen spoke. “You aren’t alone and if you fail it wouldn’t be alone,” Gen ran his thumb over Senkuu’s skin. “Everyone is here with you…. I’m here with you,”
“You could fail over and over again, but everyone else will be there is still a second chance,” Gen explained. “Because we know you can Senkuu chan,”
Senkuu wanted to believe Gen. He believed Gen was being honest but he didn’t know if he believed in himself.
“I want to believe you,”
“You can’t?”
“No, I believe you’re telling me the truth but-,”
“But?”
“After everything in the treasure island. How close of a cut it was too,” Senkuu weakly laughed. “I saw how much everyone trusted me. If I had failed then…,” Senkuu’s self doubt clear in his words. Senkuu closed his eyes shut, still trying to stop the tears.
“It didn’t though,” Gen let go of Senkuu's face and took hold of one of Senku’s fist in his hands and held it to his heart. Gen placed Senkuu’s palm on his beating heart. “See Senkuu. Everyone is safe. You didn’t fail. We trust you because we know you can do it and we’re here to help you,”
Senkuu felt the rhythm of Gen’s heart underneath his undershirt. It was 70 beats a minute. Each second, another beat. Gen and Senkuu were only a few feet apart, but still.. It felt too far. Senkuu didn’t like physical affection from many people. He’d only let Taiju and Byakuya hug him before in the old world. Gen was always the one seeking physical affections from the scientist but now Senkuu was seeking affection from him. They were both about the same height, Gen being a few Cm taller. Senkuu’s chin resting on Gen’s shoulder and Senkuu’s arms around Gen’s upper back. Senkuu felt… open…? showing his insecurities like this.
“Please don’t say anything..,” Senkuu mumbled.
Gen gave a satisfied hum and wrapped his arms around Senkuu’s mid back, making sure not to pull him any more than Senkuu wanted. They stayed like that for a while. It was comforting with Gen occasionally rumbling circle into Senkuu’s back.
“Thank you Gen,” Senkuu broke the silence.
“Of course Senkuu chan, I love you,”
It was strange how 3 simple words could make a person feel so safe with another.
“I love you too,”