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Wow. What a supportive friend, I think to myself. Sure, everybody else had tried to talk me out of my scheme to “accidentally” run into Xiao Zhan, but I had expected my best friend to support me! We’ve been gushing and gossiping together over our favorite man for a long time now — even before he became the hottest thing in China when Chen Qing Ling hit it big this summer.
We’re real fans. She and I have supported Xiao Zhan since X-Nine, not like these new people that only like him because he was in a popular BL drama.
Or worse — the ones that like to pretend that he’s got an actual relationship happening with his co-star! Yuck!
I’ve been sitting here for hours already. I thought she would at least have some pity. Getting insulted and treated like an idiot isn’t making it any easier to convince myself to hang around for another hour.
I’m pulled away from my angry thoughts at my friend by a sudden sound of the stairway door slamming open. It startles me so much, I almost drop my phone, scrambling to keep it from hitting the pavement. I look up to see the man I’ve been waiting for — the man of my dreams! — come striding out into the parking garage. I’m just about to run over to try to catch him when I notice another figure coming behind him, walking more slowly with their head down.
Xiao Zhan wasn’t surrounded by guards as I’d feared, but he also wasn’t alone. I quickly hide behind the nearest large concrete support pillar and wait, still hoping I might get the opportunity I’ve been looking for.
The door they’ve come through snaps closed with a loud, echoing thunk and the tall handsome man spins to face the person behind him. It seems to be a guy from the way he’s dressed in baggy clothes, but the cap he’s wearing hides his face. Is it his assistant? Or another staff member?
Xiao Zhan looks around quickly, scanning the area for other people and I hide immediately, holding my breath as if that will somehow help make me more invisible. Perhaps a second passes before I hear his voice, just as melodic and beautiful as it is from my computer speakers in the hundreds of videos I’ve watched of him.
“Well? Look at me!” Xiao Zhan demands, sounding more angry than I’ve ever heard him when not acting in a drama.
I can’t help it, I peek around the pillar to see who it is that’s earned such a beautiful man’s wrath.
The other man looks up, and —
It’s WANG YIBO.
I’m barely able to stifle my gasp, covering my nose and mouth to stay quiet and reminding myself to breathe as my lungs freeze up in panic. What is Wang Yibo doing here??
This is supposed to be the set of Xiao Zhan’s new drama, and they were done promoting their show from the summer.
Weren’t they?
“What do you think you’re doing?” Xiao Zhan basically growls the words. It would be kind of hot if he didn’t seem so angry.
Wang Yibo doesn’t seem cowed by the older man’s temper at all. He’s sort of quiet, though, and he pouts a little when he responds. “Ge, don’t be mad.”
“Are you serious? I’m on set and you’re here acting like this!” Xiao Zhan says, gesturing with his hands waving in the air.
“Do you want me to go?” Wang Yibo asks, now sounding more aggravated. “Just kick me out if that’s what you want to do.”
“I didn’t say that,” Xiao Zhan argues. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“Why are you even here? Wouldn’t it be easier if you were home? You can’t possibly want to see this.”
“If I’m home, I’m just worrying about what’s going on, what you’re doing that I can’t see —" Yibo says.
Xiao Zhan cuts him off, his voice getting louder. “I’m ACTING, Bo-ge!”
“You’re in bed with her!”
“It’s a job! It’s work! You know how that is!”
Holy crap! I think. What’s happening in this drama? And why does Wang Yibo care so much??
“Yeah, I know exactly how it is,” Yibo says, his deep voice ringing with his own temper barely contained.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I know how you are,” Yibo says. “Your method acting. How you can’t separate things. I’m just here to make sure you remember what’s real and what’s not.”
“That’s not fair,” Xiao Zhan says, crossing his arms over his chest. “You can’t even give me some credit?”
“WE got together on set, remember? And I know she’s after you —” Xiao Zhan makes a noise as if he’s going to interrupt but Yibo points a long finger in his face. “ Of course she’s after you, she’d be crazy not to. I don’t blame her, but I’m not going to just sit back and make it easy. What if you just fall into the arms of every co-star that chases you?”
He sounds worried, and it’s jarring because I don’t pay a lot of attention to Wang Yibo, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard him be self conscious about anything.
Xiao Zhan suddenly takes Yibo’s face in his hands, holding him firmly but also like he’s something precious. He still seems angry, but I can’t see their expressions clearly from where I’m standing so far away.
“I love YOU, you fucking idiot,” Xiao Zhan says, and then I can’t believe my eyes. His lips crash into Wang Yibo’s, forceful and demanding, and Yibo’s body just melts into the taller man. Yibo’s hands are at Xiao Zhan’s hips, pulling him close until they look like one person.
My heart feels like it’s stopped as I stand on shaking legs, unable to look away for what seems like a hundred years but is probably only a minute. I may actually be frozen in shock, as I watch the two most popular men in China make out with each other in a dim, dingy parking garage. It’s so surreal, for a moment I think I must be asleep at home, having a nightmare that I can’t seem to force myself to wake up from.
A car door slams from somewhere far away, probably on an upper level, but it breaks the quiet enough to startle them. They jerk apart and seem to remember where they are, but still keep their hands on each other, as if they can’t bear to let go.
It would be incredibly sweet, like something out of the best BL show, if I didn’t feel as if my whole world was collapsing in the process.
Everything I thought I knew about Xiao Zhan -- about them both -- has been so SO wrong.
Yibo reaches up and touches Xiao Zhan’s lips gently then chuckles. “You’re going to be in trouble when you get back. Your lips are swollen.”
“Maybe it will work for the scene,” Xiao Zhan answers with a small smile.
“See, having me here isn’t so bad. I can bruise your lips for you,” Wang Yibo suggests, sounding like he’s back to his natural self-assured state. “Make sure Zi-jie knows where they were before she gets them.”
Oh my god, I think, and I know my eyes are trying to fall out of my head.
Xiao Zhan scoffs. “God, you are such a puppy! Marking your territory?”
Yibo leans in to say something in response, his voice too low for me to catch. But Xiao Zhan throws his head back and laughs, like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard.
He’s so beautiful, I can’t help but think.
“I’ll let you leave as many marks as you want later,” Xiao Zhan says. “Anywhere that’s covered by underwear. I’m not having the wardrobe people shame me!”
I can’t help it. I choke.
My throat has closed up and I cough as quietly as I can, but I’m sure they’ve heard me.
“Is somebody here?” Xiao Zhan says. He’s probably looking around, and I pray he doesn’t come looking behind this concrete pillar!
“Fuck.”
I hear Wang Yibo’s deep curse and curl myself into a ball, as if making myself smaller will save me from getting caught being the horrible eavesdropper I am. What will they do if they find me? I don’t think I’m breaking any laws, but these two are well known and I’m sure I’m about to be in more trouble than my life is worth.
“Let’s go back now, Ge,” I hear Wang Yibo say through my panicking. “You’ve got work to do.”
I hear the stairway door open and risk a peek around. Yibo’s hand holds Xiao Zhan’s own firmly as he pulls him back through the door. It shuts with a loud clang that feels like it vibrates straight through my heart.
My body feels completely numb and my legs give out. I lean against the pillar but can’t help but slide down until my butt lands on the ground. The cold of the concrete seeps through my pants, and it actually helps a little, keeping me grounded so my spirit doesn’t escape my body and fly away the way it feels like it wants to.
I take a few breaths to calm my rapidly beating heart, but my brain can’t stop assaulting me with the visions I’d just seen.
Xiao Zhan.
Xiao Zhan is with Wang Yibo.
Romantically. And it’s serious, if the way they acted with each other is any indication. They’d been alone — or thought they were — with no reason to hide or pretend. And they were so… intimate.
The tears come before I can stop them, despair rolling over me like a wave. The man I held up as the pinnacle of perfection is taken, and GAY, and nothing in my life makes sense anymore. The tiny ray of hope I’d had of meeting Xiao Zhan and catching his interest has been snuffed out like a weak candle flame.
They were right. Those people on Weibo that I ridiculed and called crazy were right. They were right about my ZhanZhan, and I had been SO wrong. What other things about the world that I believe are not actually true?
I cry until I hear a car door slam and another drives by, the lights shining brightly in my eyes and blinding me back into reality for a moment.
I can’t stay here. I need to go.
I drag myself up off the ground, knowing I must look a mess with my tear-stained face. Everything hurts and my muscles feel sore, like I’ve been in a physical fight and lost.
I stumble to my car, clumsily fumbling with my keys until I find the fob to open the door. Once I get into the comfortable quiet of my own vehicle, my defenses completely break down and the tears spring back to my eyes.
I’m heartbroken. Completely and totally heartbroken. I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting in this parking garage, crying my eyes out over a reality I can hardly face. How in the world can I possibly drive home like this?
I know it’s not safe, and I can’t put other people in danger when I’m not thinking clearly. I decide to contact my friend, and I can barely control my thumbs to type with how shaky my hands are.
They hadn’t even seen me, and yet I do still feel like the biggest fool in the world. I’ve never felt more stupid in my entire life. The hit my pride has taken today is worse than anything Xiao Zhan could have done if he’d caught me watching them.
It’s like she can hear me sobbing through the phone. Even my texts must sound pathetic.
I wish I could stay in this tiny cramped space forever and never have to show my face in public again.
When my best friend shows up almost two hours later, I can’t help sobbing the story into her arms, even though my eyes have no more tears to cry.
b*j*y*x*s*z*d
A week later…
I take a deep breath. There’s no going back from this.
It had been a big surprise to find out that my best friend was a secret yizhan shipper. After I spilled the entire story to her that day, she’d been totally giddy, unable to contain her squeals of delight at the news. She admitted she hated keeping it from me, but she had felt that I wouldn’t have accepted her beliefs, and she didn’t want to lose a friendship over something she would never even know was real.
But now we know — I saw it with my own eyes. And my shrimp friends would kill me for giving fuel to the turtle fire but they deserve to know, too. They should know they aren’t crazy.
And that the boys really do seem happy together.
Now that the shock has had time to wear off, I know that’s all I really want — for Xiao Zhan to be happy. And I think Wang Yibo makes him happy. So if supporting a relationship between the two of them makes me a turtle, then so be it. I guess it’s time to change my shell color!
