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Walking into C.J.’s office the last thing Toby expected to see was her leaning over her desk with a hand over her chest, clearly having a hard time catching her breath. “C.J. what’s going on?” He quickly tossed aside the memo he had come in about.
“I don’t know. I can’t get a deep breath. Toby, I don’t know what’s happening.” Toby could see tears starting to form at the corner of her eyes as she finally looked up at him.
“Ok. Ok.” He quickly closed the door and moved next to her. When he started to rub her back, he spoke again. “Do you want to call someone?”
“No!” She raised her voice and looked up at him with wide eyes. “I don’t want anyone to see me like this.” She spoke much quieter.
“Ok. That’s fine. I’m right here.” Toby quickly reassured her; he still hadn’t ruled calling a medical professional out of the equation but her being so adamant against it definitely delayed it. “What happened?”
“I was just down in the sit room and all of the sudden I couldn’t take a deep breath. I stayed through the meeting and then came right back here.” Of course, she stayed through the meeting when she couldn’t breathe.
“C.J. I think you’re having a panic attack.” While he knew he couldn’t ask specifically about the meeting, Toby imagined that the stress she had been under for the past few weeks would have been more than enough. “I’m going to stay right here with you, ok? I’m right here.”
It looked like C.J. was trying to speak for a moment but then she just nodded. Toby spoke again. “Do you want to sit down?” He gestured to the couch
“Yeah. Thank you.” She nodded and he could see the relief on her face mix with the anxiety.
“Of course.” He guided them the few steps over to the couch and gently sat them down, he kept one hand around her back and the other had moved to hold her hand. “C.J. try to take a deep breath.” Toby tried to take one at the same time. He thought he had seen her in every possible state, but he had never seen her like this.
“I can’t.” His words seemed to trigger more tears, he couldn’t tell if it was a good or bad thing but he tried to just go with it.
“Yes, you can. Just breathe with me. In and out.” He modeled a few overexaggerated breaths and she tried to follow along with some success. “There you go. You’re ok. I’m right here.”
“I’m sorry.” She was able to take a few more breaths. “I don’t know why this is happening.”
“Don’t be sorry.” He hugged her closer into him and felt her ragged breathing. “I’m right here. Just focus on breathing. Do whatever you need to do.”
Her breathing picked up again and her eyes clouded over. “Toby.” At her word, Toby felt his own breath catch.
Toby pulled her into a full hug. “It’s ok. Just give yourself a moment. I’m not going to leave.” It was only then when C.J. truly started to let herself cry and didn’t stop. “I’m right here,” Toby spoke again and started rocking them back and forth.
After a few minutes, when C.J. still couldn’t seem to catch her breath, but her tears had started to subside, Toby broke the near silence that they had fallen into. “C.J. can I call Abbey?” He was starting to worry that she didn’t seem to be able to get a hold of her breath, and knew calling the White House physician would be a non-starter. “I think she can help.”
“Please don’t leave me.” Toby had never seen her this desperate, making him want to call Abbey that much more. Her willingness to be so honest almost scared him.
“I’m not going to leave you. I promise.” He had never meant anything more in his entire life “I just think Abbey can help too. Is that ok?”
“Yeah.” As she buried herself further into him, he thanked whoever for the absurd number of phones in her office. He didn’t need to move to get the first lady to her office.
After a few minutes he heard a subtle knock at the door but C.J. didn’t seem to notice so he didn’t know what to do. Luckily Abbey opened the door on her own.
After making eye contact with Toby and taking in the scene, she slipped inside and shut the door behind her. She had made her way over to the couch and crouched in front of them. “Hi C.J.”
C.J. looked up at Abbey’s voice. She still couldn’t seem to get a deep breath. “Hi.”
“I found her having a panic attack about 10 minutes ago.” Toby volunteered the information when he wasn’t sure that C.J. would.
Abbey nodded. “It’s been an intense few weeks for you.” She let her words sink in for a moment before speaking again. “How about Toby and I get you back to the residence? There I can give you a little sedative if you want and you two can stay together there tonight. Would that be ok?”
“People?” C.J. had stopped crying for the most part but was clearly still really struggling.
“No one is around I promise. We can go through the oval and then outside. With Jed back in the residence security is pretty sparse around here.” Abbey reached out to tuck some of C.J.’s hair behind her ears.
“We’ll make sure of it. I promise.” Toby squeezed her in what he hoped was a reassuring manner.
“That sounds good.” C.J. finally spoke with a bit of confidence in her voice.
“Then that’s what we do. Can I help you up?” When C.J. nodded both Abbey and Toby moved to help her support her weight as they all stood. “We’ve got you.”
The three of them slowly made their way from C.J.’s office through the oval and to the residence. C.J. was able to walk on her own but she didn’t seem incredibly steady on her feet. Toby was relieved that she wasn’t fighting them on helping her, he was taking a portion of her weight as they moved.
No one spoke until they got to a spare bedroom in the residence. C.J.’s breathing seemed to be starting to regulate which helped Toby calm down. When C.J. sat down on the bed, Abbey knelt down in front of her again. “How are you feeling sweetie?”
“Better.” Toby was happy to hear a little more self-assurance in her voice.
“Good. I’m glad. Do you still want the sedative?” Abbey always had such a confident, motherly aura about her.
“I don’t think I need it?” C.J. looked to each of them, not seeming sure of what she wanted or needed.
“I think that’s ok. It’s all about what you want though.” Toby was glad when Abbey spoke first.
“I think that’s fine if you and Abbey are both ok with that.” He nodded along with Abbey.
“I am perfectly ok with that. I’m going to ask someone to grab your bags from both of your offices and you will both stay here for the night, ok? Then Toby and I can make sure you’re ok and I’m here if you change your mind and decide you want the sedative.” Toby couldn’t tell if she was trying to imply something about their relationship or just knew that they were close. She broke him from his rumination. “I’m going to step out for just a second and then I’ll be right back.” She rose and quietly stepped out.
Once they were alone again Toby looked at C.J. from where he had landed standing next to the foot of the bed. He swallowed a lump in his throat when he realized she was still shaking. “Oh, Claudia.” He made his way over to her, pulling her into a half hug and holding her hand with his free hand. “What do you need? How can I help?”
He could hear the tears in her voice again. “Stay with me?”
“Of course. I’m not going to leave you.” He shook his head hoping he could feel his conviction that he was not going anywhere.
Neither one of them moved until they heard Abbey knock and enter with both of their go-bags. Even then, they only barely pulled away. Toby turned to face her but C.J. spoke before he could. “Can I get that sedative after all?” She spoke quietly, almost scared of the words she was saying.
“Of course.” Abbey dropped their belongings then came around to where she had been before. If she was surprised by C.J.’s request she didn’t show it. “It’s just a pill. It’ll hopefully help you fall asleep. I’ll go grab it. Maybe you both want to get changed in the meantime? I think I saw at least more casual clothes in your bags.” She left as quickly and as calmly as she came.
When C.J. didn’t make a move, Toby tried to prompt her forward. “Does that sound ok with you?”
His words seemed to bring her back to the present. “Yeah, that sounds good.” She made her way up.
They both got changed relatively quickly, C.J. was still pretty shaky but she managed by herself. They had just sat back down on the bed when Abbey re-entered the room. “Well, you both look much more comfortable.” Her tone didn’t betray that anything abnormal was occurring. “I have the medication for you C.J., you’ll probably want to go to bed pretty quickly after taking it. You are both cleared to stay here and neither of you will be getting a wake-up call.”
When they both started to try to mount protests against the lack of wake-up call, Abbey started to speak again. “No arguments. You both need to get some sleep. Call me if you need me, either one of you. Ok?”
“Thank you, Abbey,” Toby spoke as C.J. nodded along. Abbey gave C.J. an affectionate rub on the shoulder as she left.
C.J. quickly swallowed the pill that Abbey had placed in her hand. “I’m exhausted.”
“I bet. You ready to go to sleep? Or at least lie down?” Now that the worst of it seemed to be over Toby wasn’t exactly sure what to do. He knew under no circumstances did he want to leave her.
“You’ll stay?” She barely made eye contact with him. Seeing her so unsure and scared nearly made him feel sick. He hated the fact that she even felt the need to ask.
“For as long as you need, and probably a little longer than that to be honest.” He got a little laugh out of that comment. “Let’s lie down. I’m going to stay right here.” He started to lean back into the bed, taking her with him.
Once he got the blankets adjusted on top of both of them, she moved over so she was easily within his grasp. Toby pulled her closer, her shaking was less noticeable now. “Thank you, Toby.”
“You never need to thank me for this C.J.” He kissed her forehead and willed the sedative to work.
“Thanks anyway.” She took a few much slower blinks but then forced her eyes open to keep looking at Toby.
“Stop fighting it. I’ll be right here. I promise.”
C.J. nodded and then slowly her eyes blinked closed.
Toby took a deep sigh of relief as C.J. fell asleep. Luckily enough he didn’t have too much time to stew on the events of the night, he was asleep in minutes.