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My name is Kim Taehyung. I am 18 years old and a vocalist in BTS. Oh…and I have epilepsy.
Taehyung stared at his reflection in the mirror of their shared bathroom. He was exhausted from all the preparation for their debut. Even after their debut, things didn’t seem to slow down. To add to all the pressure, he was hiding a big secret from the other members as well as Big Hit Entertainment. No one knew he had epilepsy and he planned on keeping it that way.
The epilepsy started at a young age. Doctors thought he would grow out of it eventually, but he never did. For the most part he was able to get by with daily medication, though every once in a while he still had seizures. Taehyung had gotten pretty good at knowing the warning signs. A dull headache behind his eyes, a tingling sensation that started in his arms, difficulty paying attention, confusion. As long as he paid attention to his body, he was able to manage.
It was hard to hide his seizures from the others, especially since they all shared the same bedroom. His parents had urged him to come clean to the members. All it took was one bad seizure for him to end up in the hospital. Taehyung refused though. There was not a single K-pop idol who had a known health condition. This was his dream and he refused to let anything stand in his way.
For the most part he was able to pull of “not feeling well” and returning to the dorms if he felt a seizure coming on. Then there was the time where he hid away in the bathroom in the dead of night. Taehyung wasn’t sure how he hadn’t been caught yet, but he felt a sense of pride, like he was strong enough to handle anything.
“Aye…whoever is in there better be out soon,” Hoseok called from the other side of the bathroom door.
Taehyung quickly threw some water on his face, patting it dry. He opened the door, flashing a smile at his hyung, “Bathroom is all yours.” The older boy shook his head before heading into the bathroom.
He quietly made his way back into the bedroom, letting out a sigh of relief that no one else was in the room. He pulled his bag out from under his bed, searching through the large pocket. The bottle of medication was nestled at the bottom, hidden out of sight. Tae quickly popped his medication into his mouth, shoving the bottle back down to the bottom of his bag. After throwing on a pair of black shorts and a white t-shirt, Tae made his way into the kitchen.
“It’s about time you got out of the bathroom. We thought Hobi-hyung was choreographing our next routine, turns out he just needed to use the bathroom…. ouch” Tae looked over at Jimin who was now rubbing the back of his head. Seokjin, sitting next to him, glaring at him.
Tae chuckled quietly, trying to not get himself in trouble. Sitting down at the table, he filled his plate up with pancakes. They had a busy day of dance rehearsal, so he had to get his nutrition in. Following breakfast, the seven of them crammed themselves into the van, heading over to the studio.
Today’s rehearsal included going over the choreography to ‘No More Dream’ and ‘We are Bulletproof pt.2’. They had learned the choreography a while ago, but needed to polish certain parts, which usually meant repeating it multiple times. While it would still be challenging, Tae was just glad they didn’t have to learn anything new.
Tae knew that his chances of having a seizure increased when he was stressed, which typically happened with learning new choreography or a new song. As long as he kept himself relaxed, he should be able to get by without being discovered.
They had made it half-way through rehearsals when Tae became more aware of the headache. The one that started right behind his eye. He winced, bringing his hand up towards his head. It felt like someone was stabbing him. Tae knew he had some time. The headache was the first warning sign. But even then, he knew he needed to get away from the group.
“Are you ok?” Namjoon asked, walking over towards him. He had noticed the younger boy holding his head, clearly in pain.
Tae nodded his head gently, “Yeah, just a headache. I’m ok to keep going.”
Namjoon patted the boy on his shoulder, walking back over to the group. “Let’s go through this one more time,” Sungdeuk called out. The boys got back in formation for ‘No More Dream’. Tae put in all he had to get the choreography right. His headache becoming more unbearable. He collapsed down onto his knees as the song ended, holding his head in his hands as he was breathing heavily.
Tae felt a hand on his shoulder. “Maybe you should head back to the dorms,” Namjoon said as he knelt down next to him, “I’m sure Sungdeuk wouldn’t mind.”
“Y-yeah. I think you are right,” Tae stammered, trying not to sound too eager to get out of the studio and back to the dorms for some privacy.
Namjoon stood up to go talk with their choreographer. Tae stood up slowly, making his way over to gather his belongings. “Sejin will drive you back to the dorms,” Namjoon told Tae.
“I’ll head back with him. My shoulder is bothering me a bit,” Yoongi stated as he walked over to the two of them. “Sungdeuk already said it was ok.”
Tae bit down on his lip. He was hoping to have some alone time in the dorms without worrying about any of the other members finding out about his seizures. Namjoon nodded. Tae picked up his bag, thanking their choreographer before following Sejin and Yoongi out to the car.
He climbed in the back, resting his head against the window. Luckily, he was only experiencing his headache. None of his other pre-seizure warning signs had showed up yet. He just needed to find a place in the dorm to hide away.
“Call if you need anything,” Sejin said before driving away. The two boys made their way back into the dorm.
Tae made his way into the bedroom, putting his bag down. Yoongi had already headed towards the showers, leaving Tae in the room by himself. A slight tingling sensation ran down his arms. Tae looked around the room. Going onto his bed wasn’t a safe option. He had the top bunk and couldn’t risk falling off and causing further injury. Looking around the room for options, he settled on Jungkook’s bed. Tae laid back, closing his eyes, unaware of his hyung who entered the room.
“You should shower and take something for your headache,” Yoongi said, toweling off his hair.
Tae nodded, wishing the boy would exit the room. Another electric current ran down his arms. He bit down on his lip, trying not to react.
“I’ll be out in the living room if you need anything,” the older boy said, walking out of the room and closing the door.
Tae let out a sigh of relief. At least he would have some privacy. The current running down his arms, and now his legs, were getting stronger. It was only a matter of time before it turned into a seizure. Tae did the best he could to get himself comfortable on the bed, pushing the blanket against the wall and turning to lay on his side.
Yoongi was sitting on the couch in the living room watching a nature documentary. There was a bang on the wall in the room next door. He frowned. The young boy was supposed to be relaxing. He shook his head, going back to his documentary. A few minutes later there was a loud thud coming from the room. Yoongi let out a sigh of frustration, standing up to see what sort of trouble the boy had gotten himself into. The last thing Yoongi expected to see was the boy sitting on the floor, with a dazed look over his face.
“Tae?” He asked, kneeling down next to the boy. Tae looked over at Yoongi, furrowing his brow. He opened his mouth to reply but couldn’t seem to get the words out.
“Shit, did you pee yourself?” Yoongi stated, glancing down at the boy’s shorts which now had a wet spot. Tae followed his gaze, tears forming in his eyes.
“I…I d-don’t know,” Tae mumbled, trying his best to form a coherent sentence. His head was pounding, and he wasn’t sure how he ended up the floor.
“I’m going to call Sejin. I think you need to see a doctor.” Yoongi began to stand up to get his phone when he felt the young boy wrap his hand around his wrist.
Tae knew there was nothing a doctor would do for him. If anything, they would monitor him for an hour and then send him back home. “N-no,” Tae managed to get out, “No doctor…please.”
Yoongi sighed, running a hand through his hair. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but the young boy clearly wasn’t well. “I don’t know Tae. I found you on the floor and you literally peed on yourself. I think you need medical attention.”
Tae shook his head, wincing at the pain. “I’ll be fine. It’s happened before,” he mumbled, staring down at his lap.
“What’s happened before?” Yoongi asked, raising an eye.
Tae bit down on his lip, playing with the sleeve on his shirt. He couldn’t hide this any longer, “I just had a seizure.”
Yoongi let out a small gasp, “You had a seizure and you’ve had them before?”
Tae nodded his head. “I have epilepsy,” he said, raising his head so he was looking at Yoongi in the eyes. A tear ran down his cheek. Yoongi reached over, wiping away the tear.
“Let’s get you cleaned up. We can talk about this when the group gets home,” he said, standing up and offering his hand to the young boy.
Tae took his hand, pulling himself up to stand. Yoongi guided Tae into the bathroom. Tae went to close the door, but Yoongi blocked it. “Do you really think I’m letting you out of my sight after what just happened?” he chuckled, “I’ll sit outside the shower to give you some privacy.”
Tae groaned knowing he wouldn’t be winning this argument. Following his shower, he put on some fresh clothes. Tae grabbed his bag from next to his bunk, retrieving his medication bottle. He no longer cared that Yoongi was in the room, his secret was out.
“How are you feeling?” Yoongi asked, watching as Tae took some medicine. He figured it was for his seizures.
“Like I’ve been hit by a ton of bricks,” Tae replied, “I think I’m going to lay down for a little bit.” Yoongi nodded, watching at the boy climbed up onto his bunk. Yoongi climbed up onto his bunk, finding it easier to keep an eye on the boy as he slept.
An hour passed by, Yoongi keeping himself occupied with a book while Tae slept. The sound of the door unlocking broke his attention away from the book. He made his way off his bunk, shutting the door to the room quietly as he went to greet the group.
The young maknaes were heading down the hall, talking animatedly. “Keep it down, Tae is sleeping in there,” Yoongi warned as they reached the door to the room. Jimin and Jungkook nodded their heads, quietly entering the bedroom.
Yoongi ran his hand through his hair as he entered the kitchen, not sure how to bring up what happened earlier.
“Are you ok?” Hoseok asked, hearing a sigh from Yoongi.
“W-what...oh, yeah I’m ok,” Yoongi stammered.
“Are you sure?” Namjoon asked.
Yoongi shook his head, “I am…but I think we need to have a group meeting later.”
“Why?” Namjoon asked. They only had group meetings in the dorm if there was a serious issue, usually between members.
“I should let Tae explain when he wakes up,” Yoongi answered quietly, “It’s not my place to say anything else.”
Namjoon nodded his head, understanding where Yoongi was coming from. The rest of the boys spent their time showering and relaxing, waiting for Tae to wake up. Another hour passed when Yoongi stood up from the couch, going to check on the young boy.
He quietly opened the door to the bedroom, Tae lifting his head up from the pillow to look and see who entered.
“You’re awake,” Yoongi said, walking over to the bunk. Tae nodded his head, sinking back down onto the mattress. “The rest of the guys are home. I think we should talk about this.”
Tae let out a small whimper. He wasn’t sure how they would all react to his secret. He didn’t want to get kicked out of the group but having epilepsy and being an idol was not ideal at all. Tae made his way down off his bed, following Yoongi down the hall with his head down.
He could feel the other members look at him as he entered the room, his heart beating faster. The older boys were sitting on the couch with Jimin and Jungkook sitting on the floor against the couch. Tae took a seat on the floor across from them. He bit down on his lip, playing with the cuff on his sleeve.
“So, who wants to start?” Seokjin asked, looking between Yoongi and Tae.
“Tae…” Yoongi said softly, “Do you want to tell them what happened?”
Tae nodded his head slightly, pulling his knees up to his chest. He let out a shaky breath, trying to collect his thoughts. “I…I had a seizure today,” he mumbled, keeping his head down.
“A seizure? Why didn’t you call us Yoongi? Why isn’t he at the hospital,” Seokjin questioned, his voice getting louder.
“I-I told him not to,” Tae whispered, a tear rolling down his face, “It’s happened before, and it will happen again.”
“What do you mean it will happen again?” Jimin asked.
Tae took a deep breath in, wiping his eyes, “I have epilepsy.” The room remained silent. He could feel all their eyes on him, but no one was saying anything. Tae began to panic, tears rolling down his face, “I-I g-guess I’ll go pack up m-my stuff.”
“Why would you pack up your things?” Tae heard Jungkook ask as the youngest maknae moved to sit next to him.
“Management won’t want to have an idol who has epilepsy,” Tae mumbled.
“Well then we won’t give them an option,” Hoseok said as he sat down on the other side of Tae, pulling him into a hug, “It’s all of us or none of us.”
Tae sniffled, looking up at his hyung. “I won’t let you give up on your dreams because of me. I can’t do that.”
“You wouldn’t. My dream is to be a part of this group. This group of seven, not six,” Namjoon added. Seokjin nodded his head in agreement.
“So, I guess that settles it,” Yoongi said, smiling at the boy. “How about we order some dinner, and you tell us how we can help you the next time you have a seizure.”
Tae wiped his eyes, nodding his head, “I can do that.”
The boys stood up heading into the kitchen. “I can’t believe you managed to hide that from all of us for so long,” Jimin said, sliding his arm around Tae’s waist as the two followed the group in. Tae shrugged his shoulders. A wave of relief washed over him, knowing that he had six people who would risk their dreams all for him.