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Noise cracked across the sky as Inej huddled into her bed. The sky flashed and she hid beneath the blankets, her mother sat beside her, a soothing voice and stroking her hair.
‘Oh my little one,’ her voice soft. ‘The storm will pass soon.’
‘I don’t like it Mama,’ Inej whispered back. ‘It doesn’t sound safe. I know it is.’ Her voice was firm, the sound of a child who felt that they should have grown out of something and desperately wanted to. Her mother chuckled gently and held Inej closer.
‘Sometimes we are scared of things that we do not need to be afraid of. That’s ok, you are safe and sound and the storm is outside. Sleep, my little love, and when the sun rises all will be well.’
Inej slept, safe and warm, without worry.
---
The next time Inej experienced a thunderstorm, she was in the hull of a saver ship.
She felt powerless and stupid – stolen from her home, no idea where she was going or why, she couldn’t even understand most of the things the men who’d taken her said because they weren’t speaking a language she knew. But she was still scared of a stupid storm.
Part of her was also scared of the thought that whispered in the back of her mind. Let the storm sink us. Let it end now so no more horrors could exist.
The lightning made her jump as she saw the flash through cracks in the dark room she was trapped in. Inej Ghafa did not jump, but she did, when the sky flashed and a loud boom followed straight after as though an overwhelming, and she had to assume malevolent, power was cracking open the world.
She had bigger fears. She did. But that night was still the worst one on that Saints forsaken boat.
---
They crossed the Fold. They crossed the Fold.
Inej had crossed the fold. They’d almost died, but this was parr for the course these days. A little closer than she liked it, but she was passed being shaken by the prospect of death. Not that she was ok with dying – she’d like to live, if any of her Saints were listening – but the possibility no longer put fear into her heart.
'Scared by the crossing, Wraith? Tough, get over it. I don't have time for someone who's so scared of volcra their hands shake when they hold a knife.' Kaz’s rough voice demanded her attention.
‘Volcra aren’t any worse than men.’ She snapped. His words always slipped passed her defences, she couldn’t figure out why.
‘Depends on the man, I’m sure plenty can be worse.’
‘I know for a fact they can be. But actually, it was the storm.’
‘Do your Saints not keep you safe from storms?’
‘I don’t get to know or decide what the Saints plan for me.’
Kaz scoffed. ‘What a ridiculous system. There are much larger threats to worry about than some light flashes.’
‘Thank you for that assessment. I’m fine, I won’t ruin your silly plan.’ She saw him frown but she was no longer interested in dealing with the moods of Kaz Brekker. Instead she moved swiftly and silently away from him, feeling her cheeks flush at his dismissal.
She knew it was a silly fear, she’d always known that, even when she was little. It can’t hurt her. And yet. And yet. Storms still made her quake, they made her tense, she hadn’t experienced many but especially now she was away from her parents loving warmth, away from any loving warmth, it was much harder.
It wasn’t a demon she particularly felt the need to fight, storms were so rare along the route her family travelled, even more-so in Ketterdam. But Kaz’s scorn riled her, she hated the idea that he might think less of her but also hated the fact she cared what he thought.
---
It had been such a long time since Inej had been stuck in a storm. Once again, she was on a ship. This time it was a ship she owned.
She was free. She was loved by friends and family. She was older and had lived so many lives.
She was still scared.
She knew it was irrational, that she’d faced far worse things multiple times, but here she was, in her captains quarters and letting her crew manage the boat. It wasn’t a bad storm, the ship would be fine, but the thunder and lightning made Inej want to hide under her blankets.
It was in these moments, the quiet times, that she wished someone was with her – she knew exactly who she wanted, even though he’d made it quite clear what he thought of her fear - to stroke her hair and remind her that she was safe, warm and loved.
Instead she tucked the blankets closer around her and thought about her crows.
---
She was sat with her crows on that familiar windowsill when the first crack of thunder rippled across the city.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever really seen you jump.’ Kaz’s amused voice called.
She turned to face him, feeling her heart hammer against her chest. His face changed when he took in her fear, pushing up to his feet and limping towards her. He’d been in a hurry, leaving his cane near his desk.
His un-gloved hand reached out to hers.
‘Come away from the window, the rain will start soon.’
He was right, no sooner had she left her perch, giving the last few scraps to her feathered friends and closing the window behind her, than the heavens opened. Rain battered against the window, large drops pelting the glass and surrounding brick work.
The dark clouds lit up in a sudden flash and Inej almost faltered in her movements – she didn’t trip, she was the Wraith after all, but she paused. Then followed the rumble that still sounded to her as though the sky was going to crumble.
It took her a moment to notice that her grip on Kaz’s hand was too tight. He hadn’t said anything but she could sense his discomfort at her stiff, unmoving touch.
‘Sorry.’ She said weakly, looking away. ‘I know, it’s silly.’
She caught his shrug in her peripheral vision. ‘Everyone is scared of silly things.’
‘What silly thing are you afraid of?’
‘My own emotions, ridiculous really. They’re mine.’
She blinked slightly at his honesty, weighing up if it would be worth to push him a little further on it. Then another flash illuminated the room, distracting her.
Her heart hammered, freezing her to the spot. Her fingers shook slightly as she brought her hand back to Kaz’s. What if the lightning struck a building and caught fire, what if the winds sunk her ship? The crack of thunder rippled across the sky making her spine stiffen in fear, what if the Saints were angry and coming to seek vengeance?
‘What usually helps?’ Kaz’s voice refocused her thoughts, shaking off a little of the paralysing fear. She took a breath.
‘My general fears, fighting things. But knives are useless against a storm. So… blankets, being warm and comfortable. When I was little my mother would stroke my hair and remind me I was safe.’
She noticed he swallowed slightly. A new tell she’d picked up since their conversation over a year ago. Everyone has a tell, Kaz had said. So she’d started paying attention to his. When they’d started trying to lay aside their armour, she learned quickly that he swallowed just before he made the decision to attempt to remove another piece.
‘I have a bed.’ Was all he said, but she knew it was a question as well as an offering. Did she want to use his blankets, he had always been quite careful to avoid anything that might really remind her of the Menagerie, something she appreciated even if sometimes he was overcautious. Not that she blamed him, she was overcautious about touching him too. It was always questions and conversations, because they could never know each other’s boundaries without asking and both seemed afraid that the wrong push would mean the end of this tentative but burning flame between them.
‘You do.’ Was her reply, and she walked over to it. His blankets were not opulent, but they were warm and clean and she was sure they would smell of him.
‘Do you –’ He paused. ‘Hair?’
‘If you want.’ She answered, thankful that she always seemed to understand. ‘If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.’
‘I want to.’
She smiled a little.
Thunder boomed and her hands shook again as she quickly pulled up the bedding, putting herself in his bed and wrapping it securely around herself. As if the blankets could save her from the dread the storm brought.
She felt as he sat next to her and found that their worry that this would bring back memories for her seemed to have been wrong. She had other things that brought back terrible memories: smells, actions, certain phrases even. But she realised that she couldn’t recall a moment there when she was under the covers, fully clothed, and it was not a question of when that would change. She was scared by the storm, but she was not scared of Kaz.
‘You have a much nicer mattress than I do.’ She told him from her Kaz-scented cocoon. ‘Maybe I’ll swap them one day.’
‘You wouldn’t dare.’
‘You know I would dare.’
‘But why bother? You can just use mine where it is now.’ The pause was palpable as they processed what exactly Kaz had just offered.
She considered saying that the deal was the deal, but it failed on her lips. She realised she didn’t want it to be a formal arrangement – an agreement like Heleen had made with other people wishing to share a bed with her.
‘I’d like that.’
He smiled.
The lightning outside flashed, she caught her breath, pulling the blankets tighter. Searching for something that would make her heartbeat slow. Convince her ridiculous mind that she was not in some insurmountable danger.
She felt Kaz’s hand gently messing with the end of her braid.
‘The sun will be back soon.’ He said, his voice as rough as always but somehow gentle. ‘Until then it’s you and me against the elements. I think we can take them, we’ve done more impressive feats. My plan is for us to stay inside: warm, dry, and safe.’
‘Sounds risky.’
‘My plans always are.’
She smiled, the storm raged on, but that night she fell asleep and she did not worry.