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“A-Zhan.”
Lan Zhan ignored the voice.
“A-Zhan, please.” Lan Huan sounded so sad.
“Please what?” He knew what, but if his brother was going to come and pressure him, on this day of all days, then Lan Zhan would not let him off easily.
“You don’t have to go.”
Lan Zhan turned and glared at him. Lan Huan’s expression was as sad as his tone.
“It is Wei Ying’s birthday.” Lan Zhan knew he didn’t have to point that out; that was why Lan Huan was there in the first place. He turned back to knotting his tie in the mirror. He didn’t need the mirror to do it, but it meant he could turn away from Lan Huan’s sad eyes.
“Mingjue says that A-Sang isn’t going this year. Maybe you can stop too?” Lan Zhan didn’t reply. “A-Zhan, please.” Lan Zhan felt his hands shaking, “You have to move on. It’s been ten years. Ten years. He’s not coming back.”
“Brother.” Lan Zhan finished the knot, but kept staring at it in the mirror.
“Please, A-Zhan. When do you get to move on with your life? Wherever he is, he’s probably settled down, married, with a family. Living his life. Why don’t you get to live yours?”
Lan Zhan rounded. “I am living my life.” He stared at Lan Huan for a few seconds, then reached out to pick up his cufflinks. “If he is happy, married with a family, then I am happy for him. But that does not change how I feel.”
“So you’ll give up your whole life pining for someone who left ten years ago? Who didn’t even say goodbye to you?” Lan Huan sounded desperate. “A-Zhan, you have to consider…”
“No.” Lan Huan went to speak again, but Lan Zhan cut him off with a shake of his head. “No, Brother. You cannot demand something of me that I have no power to give. I am sorry if my choices do not meet your expectations-” Lan Huan flinched “-but they are my choices.”
“A-Zhan, no, it’s not,” Lan Huan swallowed, voice now thick. Lan Zhan hadn’t meant to be so harsh. “It’s not expectations. You are always enough, exactly as you are.” He looked at Lan Zhan as though wanted to drive the point home. Then he reached out and touched Lan Zhan’s arm. Lan Zhan stared at it; touch was not common between them. “I just want you to be happy.”
Lan Zhan nodded once. “I know. But Brother, I could not be happy if I stopped looking for him.” He wiped a tear from Lan Huan’s cheek. “Even if it was just to find that he is happy and fulfilled.” He paused, continuing quietly. “Especially if it was to find that he was happy.”
***
The phone rang, wrenching Lan Zhan out of a deep sleep. He stared groggily at the phone, unable for a second or two to compute the sound he was hearing with the rectangle of light in front of him.
Finally he woke up enough to register that someone was calling him. He jerked out a hand to grab his phone, the charger yanking out at his carelessness. Uncle’s health was not as strong as it once was and he and Lan Huan had agreed they would keep their phones on overnight in case someone needed to call them.
Lan Zhan hadn’t confessed that he had already kept it on for the last ten years. Just in case.
Lan Zhan fleetingly noticed that the number wasn’t in his contacts, no name was attached, and the concern grew. Could it be someone calling from the hospital?
He accepted the call. “Hello?”
There was no response. Lan Zhan pulled the phone away from his ear to check that he had definitely answered it, and not disconnected instead in his haste. No, the line was connected, the length of call numbers ticking away.
He brought the phone back to his ear. “Hello?”
Still no response. For a second Lan Zhan had thought that he could hear breathing at the other end, but he was still sluggish. Possibly it was a wrong number call, accidentally dialled? Or the other person could hear him, but the line had not connected properly.
Lan Zhan blinked, trying to wake up more. “I cannot hear you if you can hear me. Please try again if it’s urgent.” Lan Zhan paused in case the person could hear him and would speak.. “I am going to hang up now.”
“Lan Zhan.” Ten years, but Lan Zhan would never not know that voice.
“Wei Ying? Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan felt a surge of adrenaline burst through him. Wei Ying? Wei Ying was calling him. Wei Ying was able to call him. The secret dread he had hidden even from himself, that Wei Ying could have died and Lan Zhan would never know, was replaced with startling relief. “Wei Ying, where are you? Are you okay?”
But there was no response. Lan Zhan was sure he could hear breathing on the other end, but sudden panic set in. Had Wei Ying gone? Had it actually been him? Was Lan Zhan a fool for thinking that he could recognise Wei Ying’s voice after all this time? Was it not actually Wei Ying?
Lan Zhan rasped out a frantic “Wei Ying?”
“I’m here, Lan Zhan.” Sweet relief made Lan Zhan feel giddy. It was him. It was Wei Ying. He had finally called. Ten years of leaving his phone on overnight now seemed like nothing. Wei Ying added, “I’m okay.”
Okay? He was okay? “Where are you? Wei Ying, where have you been?” Lan Zhan knew he was pushing too hard, too fast. They had talked about this. Planned how to respond if Wei Ying got in touch. They had learned from Jiang Cheng’s attempt five years before.
Wei Ying’s bitter laugh was not unexpected, but Lan Zhan still felt a stab to his hope. “I can’t tell you that.”
Lan Zhan tried to hold himself back, to take it slowly, carefully, but now, in the moment, he couldn’t. “Why not? I can help you, Wei Ying. Please let me help you.”
There was silence on the other end. Lan Zhan felt sick. Ten years of planning and hoping, and here was Lan Zhan doing it all wrong because he was too anxious. How could he tell Yanli-jie and Jiang Cheng how he had ruined their chance? He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. Wei Ying hadn’t hung up yet, so he still had a chance to try and make Wei Ying at least speak to him a little.
Wei Ying’s voice cut through his thoughts. “I can’t stay on long, Lan Zhan. I just-“ Wei Ying paused. “I wanted to tell you that you were the love of my life.”
Lan Zhan’s mouth opened, to protest Wei Ying not being able to stay on the phone, but he was stunned by the second part of Wei Ying’s words. The love of his life? Him?
The sound of a call disconnected made Lan Zhan jerk the phone away in desperation. No, no, no. He couldn’t hang up. Lan Zhan needed to talk to him, to hear his voice, to know he was alive, to know he was well.
Lan Zhan pressed to call back the number and held it to his ear, ringing tone slightly too loud. Lan Zhan, the love of Wei Ying’s life? Had he mistaken it? Heard it wrong?
The call went to voicemail. Lan Zhan hung up. He didn’t want to leave a message, he wanted to talk to Wei Ying. The ringing tone started again.
Wei Ying was the love of his life, surely that’s what Wei Ying meant? But that hadn’t been what he said. He said that Lan Zhan had been the love of his life. That couldn’t be true. Lan Zhan had been obsessed with Wei Ying. Surely he would have noticed if Wei Ying liked him back? Wei Ying had shown no interest in dating men, had talked about women often. Had kissed many women, all of whom Lan Zhan hated, despite never having met any of them.
Lan Zhan had lost count of how many times he tried to call Wei Ying back, but there was still no answer. He made himself stop. He knew this wasn’t the right way to go about it. Pressuring Wei Ying wouldn’t work.
Lan Zhan put down his phone and closed his eyes, trying to get his sense of inner balance back. Wei Ying could always upset his ordered life.
He breathed deeply, in, hold, back out. The last thing he wanted was a panic attack.
When he felt ready, Lan Zhan brought up Jiang Yanli’s number, then looked at the time. It was after midnight. They had promised, they had all promised, that if they heard from Wei Ying, no matter when, what time, they should call the others. But there was Jin Ling.
He brought up Jiang Cheng’s number instead and dialled.
Lan Zhan’s heart was still beating too fast. As the phone rang Lan Zhan continued to do the breathing exercises he had been taught in the past.
“A-Zhan?” Jiang Cheng’s voice was groggy, but urgent. “Is it him? Is it Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan’s throat caught, the words struggling to come out. “A-Zhan?”
Lan Zhan swallowed. “He called me.”
“He called you?” Lan Zhan could hear the jealousy in Jiang Cheng’s voice, even as he knew that Jiang Cheng would be trying to hide it. They had all talked about how Lan Zhan was the most likely person for him to contact if he ever did. Lan Zhan was lower risk, if they were right about why he left.
They knew they were right about why he left.
“He called.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I think he had been drinking.”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s his birthday, that makes sense.” He could hear Jiang Cheng thinking. Sometimes he thought he must know the Jiang siblings better than he knew Wei Ying now. It wasn’t a pleasant thought, much as he liked and appreciated them.
Jiang Cheng continued, “Have you called Jiejie?”
“No, I thought with Jin Ling…”
Jiang Cheng cut him off. “No, she would be upset if we didn’t call her. I’ll conference her in.”
Lan Zhan’s phone went quiet for a few moments, then he could hear another ringing tone.
Jiang Yanli sounded more awake when she answered the phone. Lan Zhan guessed it must be practice.
“Is it him? Did he contact?”
It was Jiang Cheng’s turn for his voice to catch. “He did, Jiejie. He called A-Zhan.” Lan Zhan could hear how thick it was.
“A-Zhan?”
“I’m here, jiejie.” Lan Zhan felt the panic receding. He was still shaking, heart beating too fast, but they were talking together. They could figure out what to do next. “He called me, but - “ Lan Zhan felt a wave of guilt. “I didn’t remember any of our plans or conversations. I panicked.”
“Oh no, A-Zhan, please, don’t beat yourself up. Do you think I would remember all of that if I heard his voice?” Her voice was teary, but she was always honest.
“I’d probably just have shouted at him,” Jiang Cheng said.
Lan Zhan felt a little better. Even if it wasn’t true, at least they were not angry with him.
He told them both everything that Wei Ying had said. That he was okay (Jiang Yanli started to cry openly at that), and that Lan Zhan was the love of his life.
Jiang Cheng barked out a laugh. “He said that?” Lan Zhan hummed. “Well, I’m glad he’s finally realised that. The rest of us knew from the moment he met you.”
Jiang Cheng always said this - that Wei Ying had been interested in Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan struggled to believe it, but now it seemed to be true. Wei Ying himself had said it.
No, not just that, he hadn’t just said that he had liked Lan Zhan, he had said that Lan Zhan was the love of his life. Not had been, was.
Lan Zhan rubbed a hand over his face, trying to go back to what it had felt like to hear his voice at last.
They were all silent for a few moments.
Finally Jiang Cheng signed. “What do we do now?”
“A-Zhan should text him in the morning,” Jiang Yanli said. “Texting is less immediate. He doesn’t have to decide then and there if he responds, and get freaked out.”
They planned out exactly what Lan Zhan would text. Having them there, helping, working through how to word things, felt familiar and settling. For ten years they had been the only ones who really understood. Yes, Huaisang and Xixuan cared, and supported their spouses, but knowing his agony was seen and shared helped.
They wrapped up, Lan Zhan almost giddy with fatigue and sour adrenalin.
“Do you want me to give you his number?” he offered.
“Yes,” Jiang Cheng said.
“No,” Jiang Yanli said. There was a pause, as though she was waiting for an argument, then she went on. “No, A-Cheng. We shouldn’t have his number.” Jiang Cheng went to speak, but she cut him off again. “What would you be tempted to do if you had the number? I know I would be too tempted.”
Jiang Cheng sighed. “Okay, you’re right.”
“We agreed, remember?” Jiang Yanli’s tone was light and reassuring. “We know that him connecting with A-Zhan first is the best way.”
“I know, I know.” Jiang Cheng sounded a little sulky, but he still agreed. Lan Zhan felt a pressure on him, but it was okay. He could do it.
He had Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli with him.
***
Lan Zhan slept fitfully, dreams full of his phone ringing, him missing calls, and every time he woke he checked his phone, just in case. In the end he rose before his usual time, groggy.
He typed out the text that they had agreed the night before and sent it.
Lan Zhan
Good morning Wei Ying. May I please call you this evening? I would like to talk.
Low stakes, no pressure, but get him on the phone and talking.
Lan Zhan
Please respond Wei Ying. I would just like to hear your voice and know that you are well. I will not ask you to share any information that you are not comfortable with.
Lan Zhan was more hopeful than he had been in years.
***