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Kaz is pacing. Again. He left Inej with her parents, told them they should spend some time together, then came back to the Slat, and now he’s wearing the floorboards down with the heels of his shoes. There’s something wrong with him. Besides from the usual things.
Inej’s parents were kind. Honest. The kind of people Pekka Rollins would dupe out of their money. And they liked him. Her father didn’t say anything when Kaz ignored his outstretched hand. In another life, Kaz could have been the polite young man they met at the docks full time. No secrets, no lies. But in this one… he doesn’t know.
He left the cards in Inej’s hands. She knows where to find him. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if she doesn’t come back. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if she does.
There’s a soft tap on the door, and Kaz knows from the weight of the knock, as well as the lack of footsteps preceding it, that it’s Inej. He stops pacing, and she slips inside.
“Thank you,” she says, quietly.
Kaz turns to face her. She stands like she always has, like an acrobat, not a criminal. Like she’s about to perform. Her ability to be unseen makes her terrifying to marks, but Kaz is more scared of what seeing her- whole, solid, out of the shadows- does to him.
He realizes he’s staring and clears his throat. “I thought you’d be gone.”
“I don’t know how to thank you.”
Her gratitude itches at him. He’s not used to it. “You don’t owe me anything, Inej.”
“I thought I’d never see them again.”
I thought I’d never see you again. “I’m glad you were able to. I didn’t think you’d let them out of your sight.”
She smiles. It does something to his chest. “They’re with Wylan and Jesper. I’m trusting Wylan to provide the common sense and Jesper to provide the guns.”
“Sounds about right.” He clears his throat again. He doesn’t know what to say to her. Why is this so hard for him?
“Why did you do it, Kaz?”
He looks away from her. “You know why.” It comes out like an admission, so quiet that she leans forward, coming onto her toes, to hear him better. He can’t help smiling at her, standing there poised to take flight. And then he shakes his head at himself. Kaz Brekker does not smile. Saints, he’s turning into some kind of lovestruck idiot.
Inej takes a step towards him, and his pulse quickens. “I want to hear you say it.”
“I…” He hates his voice for faltering, hates himself for being weak. “I can’t.”
She’s disappointed, and, really, can Kaz blame her? She deserves better than him, better than some spineless canal rat who can kill a man a hundred different ways with his bare- almost- hands, but can’t manage to tell a girl he loves her.
“You deserve better.” He forces himself to say it, even though it pains him to think about her with anyone else.
“What do you know about what I deserve?”
“I can’t- I can’t be normal.”
“I don’t want normal,” she says, moving closer to him, holding her hands out but waiting for him to make the first move.
His hands feel bare without his gloves. Vulnerable. Inej doesn’t force him. She just stands there, palms outstretched. Kaz speaks, not trusting his voice to stay level. “What do you want?”
“You know what I want.”
He takes her hands, forcing down the shudder that threatens to overtake him. He can do this. He can be here, in this moment, with her. “I want to hear you say it.”
“I want you, Kaz.”
He doesn’t bother trying to hide his smile this time. Inej knows him, the monstrous things he’s done, the damaged parts of him that nobody can fix. She’s not deluded. She doesn’t think he’s normal. She wants him as he is.
If he were stronger, he’d kiss her. He looks at her, and she gives a small shake of her head like she knows what he’s thinking.
He doesn’t need to be stronger. He doesn’t need to be normal. He doesn’t need anything more than this.