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Chongyun squeezes his fist around the bannister tightly and then forces himself to release slowly one knuckle at a time.
He thinks it will take hours for his hands to forget the way Xingqiu’s waist felt under them.
He keeps telling himself that it’s okay to touch — it’s concern, and a part of it is — Xingqiu’s just so thin like the afterlife is already tugging at him. When he’d caught Xingqiu at the docks, all he could think to himself was ‘was he always this light?’ He can tell that Xingqiu’s pushing himself too much, exerting the energy for all of the guests around. It’s working.
He’s still the most captivating person in the room.
Chongyun’s been able to watch it all night, observing like Xingqiu’s shadow since no one expects anything from him. He’s a nobody to them, so all night he’s watched the way Xingqiu’s bright, intelligent eyes — bright, gold, warm — crinkle in delight when he outsmarts, out talks everyone they come in contact with. It’s even better when he turns to make sure Chongyun’s included in his jokes, letting him share in the revelry of his work. He’s clearly born to lead, even if he’s half the age of nearly everyone at the banquet. Chongyun catches himself smiling and it fades when his mind goes back to that man with red hair leading Xingqiu away from Chongyun — watching them dance, helpless and jealous. Bile at the back of his throat. He does not have the right to be jealous and he knows this, but it takes every ounce of him to wrestle away the ugly feeling, to cool off.
Since seeing Xingqiu again, he’s realized that his feelings for Xingqiu have not lessened in their time apart — every overwhelming piece has come to the surface, and he, a pondskater floats over a sea before the tide.
He has never been good at ignoring his emotions, but with his training, he can take them and let them go for later, can watch them ebb and flow in the wind. At least that’s what he thought.
Shifu, why does love burn so hot, so intensely?
Because Child, love is pure yang energy and yang energy is love and compassion, the greatest and strongest thing you can use against evil. Love leads to compassion, forgiveness and more. There is no evil in this world that cannot be blotted out by love. Love changes all. And you my child, are so full of love, you have yet to control it well.
He had not asked his shifu if love could be tainted by the ugly seeds of jealousy. He thinks it can and only hopes that he does not poison Xingqiu from touch alone.