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Do you believe it, -lieve it
When I say it's you I needed, uh-uh
It's like I'm dreamin', dreamin'
'Cause you help me stop the bleedin', yeah
Sometimes, Theo thinks he is dreaming.
Sometimes, he thinks that one wrong move is enough to wake up and then he would find himself back in the nightmare that was his life. Because how can anyone allow him to have all this , to be happy, after everything he had done?
But then, Liam presses his body closer into Theo's, nuzzling his face into the space between his shoulder and neck, his hot, sleepy slow breath fawning against Theo's skin and he knows that it is real.
And yes, for the first time in his life, Theo is truly happy.
Don't wanna be alone tonight
Don't think too much, just turn off the lights
Back and forth like all of the time
Know it's a lot but just don't think twice
He has a roof over his head, food on the table, a job to put gas in his truck and graduation looming on the horizon.
And, the most important thing, he's got Liam.
His boyfriend.
The words still put a stupidly broad grin on his face, the reason why he only lets himself think that way at night, when nobody can see how his face lights up.
Liam is, without doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to him.
He saved him from rotting in his own personal hell for all eternity, he is the reason Theo has his own bed instead of sleeping on the backseat of his truck (not that he uses the bed often, why bother when Liam's queen size comes with a built-in nightmare prevention system in form of cuddles and sex?) and, he loves him. Despite their past and all the issues that come with the territory of an ex-psychopath dating an IED werewolf, he loves him.
Neither of them is a Saint but Theo is sure that only someone like Liam, someone truly good, could love him.
And that's a good thing because Liam's love is the only thing Theo is certain of, nowadays.
It turns out that, once you stop pretending and start to actually put effort into your life and your social relationships, it is not that easy.
School, living with other humans, the pack (his friends?), his job at the local pizza delivery service, all that requires Theo to behave a certain way, say this, but not that, smile, but not too much.
To be honest, Theo doesn't know how everyone else is navigating this obstacle course of a life and so he does what he always did to adapt to new situations - he studies his surroundings.
Of course, living together and spending most of their time together, Liam is his main subject.
But the longer Theo watches Liam, trying to learn his ways, the clearer he sees something.
Liam is keeping things from him.
Where to go, I don't even know
Only big white lies to get by 'cause
I don't wanna make you cry, stay here by my side
Only big white lies to get by 'cause
Don't know where to go, oh, I don't even know, oh
I've been telling you white lies so you would stay
I don't wanna make you cry, stay here by my side
Only big white lies to get by 'cause
I just don't know where to go, I don't even know
They are no earth-shattering, world-moving secrets because Liam ist too good for that (and too bad of a liar). Just small things, little white lies, told with no second thought.
And Theo knows that Liam doesn't want to hurt him, it is probably the opposite, now that he thinks about it, sparing him the worries and all but Theo is confused.
Growing up, being a good liar meant staying alive, meant being useful. He practiced keeping his heartbeat steady, his face unmoving, his chemo signals hidden until it became his default condition.
His ability to keep the true Theo with all his thoughts and feelings inside, behind a sleek mask of pleasantries and manipulation was what helped him survive for years. And now, starting a new life, without all this, he has to see that the others are not much better.
I've been telling you white lies so you would stay
I don't wanna make you cry, stay here by my side
Only big white lies to get by
Once Theo noticed though, he can't help but think.
If Liam doesn't want him to know that he still has nightmares about the war, the Berserkers, or falling off the hospital roof, does that mean he expects Theo to keep his own bad dreams hidden too?
Or that he doesn't want Theo to see him weak and in need of comfort?
The hidden acceptance letter from Berkeley and Davis, the universities with the best history programs in California, along with Liam chattering about attending community college in Beacon Hills - does he think Theo would try to stop him from going? Or is it still distrust, after everything?
But Theo is in love for the first time in his life. Something he never thought he could have. So what are a few secrets he is not supposed to know? What are these small things against being able to have Liam's love?
That is what he tells himself at least.
Except it is eating away at him because his whole life has been full of secrets and lies and they never turned out good.
What else is Liam keeping from him?
And what is he expecting Theo to keep from him?
How much secrecy can their newfound relationship take?
When do white lies turn into dishonesty?
So you can feel it, feel it
There's this crazy thing between us, uh huh
Don't need a reason, reason
The way you act, I wanna be there, oh-oh
Theo is confused and to be honest, a little bit hurt by Liam's behavior and all his instincts, led by the voice of the Coyote inside his head, are telling him to just give up. It's not worth it. Too much effort. Run and start a new life somewhere else.
But for the first time, Theo has something to fight for. Something other than his own life and so, for the first time, he ignores his instincts and starts planning.
━─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉─━
The first thing Theo smells is Liam's confusion.
He has been expecting it.
This is unusual after all.
Normally, Theo stays until after Lacrosse training is over so he can take Liam home with him but today he just sent a quick text during his last lesson that Liam needs to catch a ride with Corey and drove home alone. Now he has made sandwiches and sits at the kitchen table. Waiting.
"Uhm… hey?"
Theo smiles at his boyfriend. "Hi Liam. Are you hungry?"
Liam's eyes flicker over the sandwiches and Theo, patiently waiting.
"Is everything okay?", he asks, slowly sitting down.
"I don't know", the Chimera can see hurt in Liam's eyes but he knows that this will only work if he is being honest.
"I am confused", he opens up the conversation, "why don't you want to go to university anymore?"
Liam furrows his brows, "I am going. To Beacon Hills Community College."
"What about Berkley? And Davis? Scott is there, you know. They have great history programs. And Lacrosse teams too."
Liam laughs.
"If I didn't know any better I would say you want to get rid of me, Theodore."
It is a fruitless try at lightening up the situation.
"Why didn't you tell me that they accepted you, Liam?"
Liam's eyes widen, "Theo…"
"Why didn't you tell me about your nightmares? Or that Kira is coming back into town? Why are you lying to me?"
The Beta blinks, stunned by this outburst.
"I… I didn't want to worry you", he finally whispers, "Theo, I am not lying to you! I mean- not really!"
"Oh believe me, I've told enough lies in my life to recognize them", Theo snorts.
"You know, when I came back from hell, when I really started trying - I thought things would be different. That it was me, with all my lies and masks who didn't fit it with your normalcy . But it turns out, everyone is a liar!"
It almost comes out hysterical and in the end Theo even has to suppress a desperate chuckle, because even though the situation is not funny, it is pretty surreal.
Liam still looks at him with the same careful confusion he also has while waking Theo up from his nightmares. He hates that expression.
Don't wanna be alone tonight
Don't think too much, just turn off the lights
Back and forth like all of the time
Know it's a lot but just don't think twice
"Sometimes I forget", Liam says thoughtfully, he reaches over the table and grabs Theo's hand, holding it so tight as if he fears Theo will just get up and leave.
"You are doing so well, you know. Adjusting, or pretending to adjust, to this life. Being normal, a teenager, a human . You are so good at fitting in that it's easy to forget all about the past."
He looks right into Theo's eyes now, the cerulean blue shining with emotion.
"The thing is, Theo, I don't want you to pretend anymore. I want you to belong."
With a fluent movement the Beta gets out of his chair and around the table, all without letting go of Theo's hand, before pulling the Chimera up to stand in front of him.
"I want you to be able to live your life as yourself, without having to think which personality would fit best to the people surrounding you at that moment. I want you to be able to stop second guessing good stuff happening to you. I want you to choose things for yourself. I want all of that for you because I love you, Theo."
It is the first time one of them has said the words and even though Theo knows that he loves Liam and at least the rational part of his brain, the part that trusts chemosignals and gestures rather than words, knows that Liam loves him too - it is still a small shock to hear it out loud.
Liam smiles nervously, he knows about the importance of his confession but he is not finished, "and because I love you", his gaze is strong, no doubt about it, "I want to apologize to you. I am sorry for lying to you. I wanted to protect you but I went about it the wrong way because I forgot that you are not some fragile recovering invalid. You are Theo Raeken, you are my boyfriend and you deserve to decide for yourself which facts you want to know and which you don't."
The heart in Theo's chest is beating in staccato, hammering away inside his body as he is processing all Liam just told him. And then he can't help himself. A big smile appears on his face, breaking the tension like sunshine breaks through the clouds.
"I love you too, Liam."
The Beta laughs and leans forward for a kiss.
Just like that.