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Chat Noir was looking down from the Eiffel Tower into the streets underneath. The night time made the usually busy avenue calmer, the city didn’t completely settle down but a calming and melancholic vibe filled the streets. It was a great time to watch the city, the lights and enjoy the view. It was also very late in the night and most people had gone to sleep hours ago.
That’s what Adrien should also be doing - sleeping and resting - but he couldn’t. The Instincts had kept him up most of the night, feeling unsafe inside his own room and just wanting to go to a comfort spot. This late in the night, the tower is the only spot he can go, which will calm the nearly overwhelming need to feel safe and not disturb anyone.
Adrien didn’t appreciate a lot of things about the Instincts, how invasive it could feel, how it had both an emotional and physical component, how difficult it was to deal with all. Yet, the part of the Instincts he most disliked was the emotional parts, namely the need to search for spots where he could feel safe and warm. Warm didn’t mean physically, there was this coldness settling deep into him refusing to fade until he satisfied it.
Plagg had described the side effect of the miraculous as a deep need to stay inside a den. Adrien had assumed it meant he might get stuck more at home, which was already something he was dreading to happen. After fighting for so long for his ability to go into the world and make friends he might get stuck inside his house once again. Only this time it would be by one of the things that gave him so much freedom in the first place.
It had felt like the universe was mocking him for having dreams.
Turns out his fears were unfounded because when the need to go to his “den” appeared the last thing he wanted was to go home.
It was both relieving and heartbreaking at the same time. Adrien knew for a while now the mood at home wasn’t great, it hadn’t been since his mother disappeared, but the thought of not finding comfort in his own room and house was painful. When did this happen? When did his childhood home start to feel more like an obstacle to his happiness and freedom than a safe place?
He doesn’t remember always feeling like this. He remembers playing with his cousin in the halls of the manor and feeling happiness. Wanting to go to his room to play and have fun, searching for his parents in the vast halls and making it a secret game of hide and seek, watching movies with his parents, switching places with his cousin and confusing their parents.
Good memories. When did they stop mattering? Did he simply outgrow them or had his house been filled with too many bad moments to make the good ones matter? No matter the answers it wouldn’t change the current truth - his house was no longer his home.
He lets out a breath and continues watching the streets down below. It’s a chilly night. A fog has been settling in for the last couple of hours and the clouds above confirmed that today will be a rainy day. For once it fits his overall mood perfectly. Adrien always tries to be an optimist person, always looks for the good in every situation, but lately it has been harder.
His home life had been increasingly complicated, he had just finished the exams weeks at school and Hawk Moth had been on a particularly terrible streak during the week. It was probably why the Instincts had been so prevalent lately. Times of stress aggravated all the Instincts and truly tested his self control to the point he looked forward to running away to his comfort spots.
His comfort spots…
The connections to the places were pretty obvious. He wanted to go places that he had significant moments with Ladybug or places he had connections when he was just Adrien. The fact not a single one of those places was anywhere near his house or his father truly showed just how much he was outgrowing that environment.
In fact, when he was feeling anxious, being near his father could without fail aggravate his Instincts and make his control start to slip too much. He had been avoiding him lately, which hurt, yet it didn’t hurt half as much as realizing his dad hadn’t noticed the distance that had been built. It made him wonder about this particular part of the Instincts. Would he ever gain full control?
If Adrien never gained full control of these feelings he knew eventually he would distance himself completely from his father…and for all Adrien didn’t want to admit that sounded like a good thing. The last couple years - after his mother's disappearance - their relationship had become similar to a business interaction. The longer he went on the less he needed his father and more important the less he wanted to be near his father.
Adrien’s relationships outside of his home were growing more and more. His friends at school and outside of school, his classmates, Ladybug and Plagg were all taking a more important role in his life than he originally thought possible and that impact had increased so much he couldn’t see a life without them. Yet, he could start to see a life without his father.
Was it only the Instincts pushing these thoughts or was there something else he had ignored for too long? He didn’t dare make the first move to try and fix the growing gap, too many times he had been hurt badly by trying to get close to his father…but if he doesn’t then what? He doubts his father will try to fix this, he doubts he will even notice until Adrien moves on.
Is the only outcome moving on with his life? Leaving his father behind? Adrien didn’t know. He hopes not, but if he learned anything from his partnership with Ladybug is you can only do so much alone, and burdens are easier to carry when you have someone with you. A very valuable and important lesson.
His dad had taught him another. Adrien had learned he can only do so much to help someone. Dad is too lost in his grieve to see what’s around him, to see how he’s destroying every single relationship in his life. Outside of their relationship his dad has alienated all his former friends and even family. The only people still in dad’s life are him and Nathalie. Both people who live with him.
He sighs and sees his breath condensate mixing with the night’s fog. He has been here for hours and still the freezing cold hasn’t disappeared. He never used to feel cold or hot in this suit, the magic used to protect him, until it gave a weird curve ball to deal with. In a way it made sense magic for him had always been rather unpredictable and for all the good things it brought him it had to be a catch to form a balance.
The miraculous had given balance back into his life. It had brought the Instincts but they had also brought him freedom, courage to persuade freedom outside of the suit, Ladybug, Plagg, his friends, and so much more. The ring on his finger had given him more than he could put into words. It had even helped him start to heal from his mother’s disappearance, and find out that he wouldn’t always be grieving her, even if a part of him would always miss her.
He had dealt with the Instincts appearing in a similar way to his mother’s disappearance. He was afraid when she disappeared, hopeful she would come back, terrified about never knowing what had happened, grieving for her given she was likely dead and finally having to pick himself back up and restart his life.
The Instincts were similar. He had been afraid of them when they appeared, hopeful it would be easy to manage, terrified when they weren’t, sorrowful they had come from something that had gifted him so much and finally accepted they were here to stay and learn to manage them.
Plagg had told him it would happen, slowly he would gain full control over the Instincts and the Kwami had been right. He was still suffering from the side effects, but he had them mostly under control and if he was being honest with himself there was a part of needing a “nest” he loved.
It was the moment he had been at a place long enough for the cold and sad emotions to leave. A deeply warm and comfortable feeling would spread across his body, his soul and the world become calm, peaceful. It was in a lot of ways a wonderful feeling he just wished it didn’t have such a cost for it to manifest.
Sometimes when the feeling hit he would get overwhelmed with a need to take a short nap when he arrived at his comfort spot and on occasion he did. However, seeing as most comfort places weren’t anywhere near his home he could rarely give in to the urge. Not only would it be difficult to explain why Chat Noir was sleeping out in the opening, if anyone noticed he was gone as Adrien it would likely be even worse.
As Chat Noir he could use his joking persona to tell the public he had just taken a catnap and it would be fine. A long period of teasing would follow and he might get chased around with pillows by fans, but that would be it. As Adrien he would have to explain to his father why he had disappeared in the middle of the night and what he was doing.
Somehow he doubts telling his father he got an uncontrollable urge to go check out the Eiffel Tower would go well. At best his father would assume he was trying to be funny and he would get grounded for weeks, maybe even months. At worst, his father would take him seriously, be convinced Adrien had suddenly developed a mental illness and he would have to explain to a physiatrist why he was travelling in the nighttime.
Adrien lets out a chuckle into the night. That mental image is hilarious, even if a bit disturbing. He is starting to feel a lot better and he knows soon enough that warm wonderful feeling will hit him and he’ll be able to go home.
He’s very thankful this time it had happened on a Friday night and not on a weekday. He doesn’t have a lot of free time on weekends, but he should be able to at least sleep in till 10 and then find time to take a few cat naps during the day. When it happens on weekdays they tend to be hellish for Adrien, especially in the beginning when he couldn’t always relieve the need to stay in a nest. He would have to go on with his day anxious, cold, sad and tired.
He takes the fact he now can always calm down this necessity as a sign his control has gotten a lot better. He has to otherwise it would be extremely discouraging and he has enough problems in his life - mainly Hawk Moth and his relationship with his father - to consider never getting over this need to search for comfort spots.
Adrien lets out a laugh into the night imagining being an adult and suddenly having to run over to his former school or Marinette’s home to calm down. It would be ludicrous and sort of creepy. It’s why he knows he has to get control and can’t get discouraged by the small progress. Thinking he has made no progress can only make him more anxious.
So, he developed a trick. Every time he got frustrated over this feeling resurfacing he would compare it to the other emotional side effects and how he had gotten better control over them with time. In the beginning he wanted to snapped at people a lot more when the anger or the possessiveness of the Instincts rears its ugly head. Now it has been weeks since he had to restrain himself to not snap at someone, he just instinctually combats it.
It has gotten better and Adrien knows it’s only a matter of time before this last part, the emotional part of the Instincts gets under his control. Funnily enough there is a part of the Instincts he will still be dealing with - the physical part. He hasn’t hit the peak and it will still be a while before he gets there.
Adrien isn’t as worried about that part. It has caused some accidents and funny mishaps on her part but he mostly kept it under control. He assumes it will be much the same going forwards. Ladybug on the other hand had long since controlled the emotional side of the Instincts, but only recently had started to gain control over the physical side of things.
He’s going to miss to meet up with her and hear the venting she sometimes had due to accidents. She told him stories sometime about her mishaps. Didn’t tell him everything to preserve secret identity, but he had the feeling she just didn’t want to admit the number of embarrassing moments she had with them.
Still, he was glad both of them were making progress and were moving forward. At the end of the day it was the goal, to continue to improve and become stronger. He adores their partnership and although their relationship isn't as close as he wishes he doesn’t care. He just enjoys having someone he loves sharing this life with him and he hopes even after they defeat Hawk Moth they will be able to always be in her life.
It makes him feel happy it makes him feel warm…
A huge smile splits across his face as he whispers a single word into the night. “Yes.”
He stands up, stretches out his back and looks down one final time into the gardens below. The fog gives this air of mystery to the city, the little lights from the lamps almost seem to guide his way home when he comes here or when he goes anywhere else. It’s a beautiful night and if he didn’t have to sleep he would have gladly stayed until he could watch the sunrise or maybe not since the clouds were starting to become more threatening.
He jumps down from the tower and goes home.
He enters his room and goes towards his bed. “Claws off.”
Plagg goes for the cheese before looking at the clock. “Not bad. You beat your last midnight visit to the Tower by twenty minutes.”
Adrien gets in bed. The sleepiness is hitting him a lot harder now that he isn’t in the suit but he still whispers. “Kitty steps.”
He misses Plagg’s smile as he closes his eyes.
“Yeah kid, kitty steps.”