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Leaving the fire station was the hardest thing Carlos has ever had to do.
He did it, and he’d do it again because he knows it’s what his boyfriend needed - but that doesn’t mean it didn’t rip out a piece of him in the process.
Watching Tk’s eyes change as Carlos revealed the truth and recognizing the warning signs of a certain breakdown while knowing there’s nothing he can do to stop it, was enough to have him consider just sitting in his car in the parking lot instead of actually leaving. His head tells him to give Tk space, but his heart’s holding on a little too tight, and he desperately wants to be the one Tk collapses into when this finally hits him.
And he knows it hasn’t yet, because he knows Tk. He knows (but would never voice) that his boyfriend has some serious attachment issues with his father, probably stemming from the years they were so distant and then the trauma of Tk’s overdoses, and he knows that when Tk gets scared, he lashes out. Previously, it’d be with drugs and now, his brain gets so foggy he just starts swinging fists. It’s not right; Carlos knows that and he won’t pretend it is, but he’s been on enough calls that involve domestic violence to know that this isn’t it - and enough that deal with substance abuse to know that the urge to use is enough to make you do unspeakable things.
They’ll talk about it - Carlos will make sure they do, the second Tk’s ready - but for fuck’s sake, he just wants to hold him. He wishes his dad never arrested Owen and put him in this position in the first place and he wishes Owen wasn’t late to their really important dinner. More for Tk’s sake than for his.
He doesn’t actually think Owen is the arsonist. But he does think he’s playing detective.
And that’s enough to piss Carlos off because really, with how things have been going lately, Tk needs his father to show up now more than ever.
He wants to make this better for Tk. He wants Tk to be better. It’s complicated.
So, he finishes the rest of his shift and then goes home, trying not to be hurt that Tk’s not there, even though his own shift ended hours ago. He won’t be surprised if he doesn’t come home tonight, but he hopes he will. He sets up camp on the sofa because he’s not sleeping in their bed when his other half isn’t here, and throws on a Friends rerun, cuddled up under the blankets.
When the clock hit’s eleven on the dot, the front door opens and Tk’s standing there, hands in the pockets of his hoodie and lip between his teeth. He looks… terrible . All anxiety-ridden and guilty and Carlos, not for the first time today, wants to make it all go away. He stands at the doorway for a second, shifting on his feet, the keys jingling in his pocket. “Hi.” Carlos says, warm and inviting, so that Tk knows he’s not mad and that he’s welcome here, even after their blowout.
It seems to be exactly what Tk needs because his shoulders deflate the tiniest bit and he actually steps further into the room, sitting on the sofa - quite far from him, Carlos notices. “I’m sorry.” He says after a moment, and Carlos expects this, so he just nods, making sure his body language is relaxed enough to make Tk feel safe. “I should’ve never pushed you, that was so fucked up. I… there’s nothing I can even say…”
Carlos nods in understanding and shifts out of his position, reaching over to stroke a hand over Tk’s knee. He hasn’t looked his way since the doorway and he still doesn’t even with his boyfriend’s comforting touch, so Carlos kicks it up a notch and grabs his chin gently, forcing him to meet his eyes. “I forgive you.” He whispers.
The look in Tk’s eyes changes and he almost… panics as he starts to shake his head. “You can’t. You can’t just forgive me, Carlos.”
He frowns, but still keeps his face comforting as he says, “And you get to decide that?”
Tk gets agitated quickly and it’s more clear now than ever that his boyfriend is struggling to keep a cap on his emotions, and Carlos is wondering if this stress reaction has been festering for longer than he thought. “It’s unforgivable. It was awful, I- I mean what if Judd did that to Grace? Would you want Grace to forgive him?”
Carlos stops him quickly, moving to grab both of his hands. “First of all,” He says firmly, “We are not Judd and Grace. Second of all, this is different.”
“How is that different, Carlos?” Tk’s eyes are filling with tears now and his voice is getting breathier as he continues. “You can’t just forgive me. It’s wrong.”
“I’m not saying it was right. I’m not.” Carlos agrees, using his thumb to rub comforting circles into Tk’s wrists. It does the job, because he lets out a breath and calms himself a bit, gripping his boyfriend back tightly. “You weren’t trying to hurt me, Tk. I know that. And I know damn well that you’re not gonna do it again.”
Tk nods quickly, trying to convey just that as Carlos continues. “Honey, I’m a cop. Do you seriously think I would’ve let you hurt me? Which you weren’t, by the way.” It’s clever from Tk’s face that he hadn’t considered that, and is even more confused as he wonders why Carlos didn’t stop him sooner. He doesn’t have to ask, because his intuitive boyfriend starts explaining anyway. “Your dad is everything to you. And I know you hate that you need him so much, but you do… and when I told you today, I know your whole world came crashing down. I promise I’m not making excuses for it, but it’s not like I walked into the fire station expecting you to remain calm.”
Carlos hesitates before he speaks again, not sure if he should say it but also wanting to give Tk the space to be completely honest - which he knows will be easier if Carlos is honest back. “I could’ve stopped you a lot sooner than I did, but I kind of wanted you to lash out. To get everything out in whatever way you could so that there was less risk of…”
“A relapse.” Tk finishes for him, his voice almost a whisper.
Carlos bites his lip. “I didn’t say that.”
“But you were thinking it.” Tk responds. He was, but he was also thinking of about a million other roads for Tk to go down. A bar fight like from before they were even together, a relapse maybe, or even just Tk struggling with those urges again. Carlos wanted to protect him from it, and also everyone else - he figured it’s better Tk lash out at him than anyone else; someone’s he’s safe with, who won’t hold it against him, who knows him like the back of his hand.
“And you’d be right to.” Tk’s face twists as he tries not to cry, shaking his head. “I really want a drink.” He admits, like it’s absolutely killing him.
Carlos nods, reaching up with both hands to wipe Tk’s tears away before bringing them back down to his wrists again. “I think I’d also be right to assume that you’ve wanted one for a while.”
Tk inhales a sharp breath and nods. “I don’t even know when it started… it’s just been a lot lately. I should’ve told you, I just… I felt like I failed .” He admits and Carlos can tell from the look in his eyes that he means it. “Before, I had a reason, you know? But now, I have everything I ever wanted. My dad’s in recovery, I have a baby brother on the way. I have you and the 126 and becoming a paramedic was like slotting in some missing puzzle piece but… I should be happy and I still crave it.”
“Baby, happiness isn’t some place you get to when you’ve figured your shit out. It’s an emotion. And just like all the others, it just rotates out. Sometimes for a reason, sometimes not. But you haven’t failed . You haven’t relapsed, Tk. And yeah, it sucks that you reacted the way you did today. But I love you enough to look past it and I have a feeling that you’d do the same for me, especially if you saw me in as much pain as I saw you in.” At this point, Carlos can’t take it anymore and brings their joined hands up to kiss Tk’s, looking him straight in the eyes.
Tk lets out a shuddery breath and avoids his gaze, Carlos not letting him again as he cups his chin. “Talk to me. Don’t censor. I wanna know.”
Tk sniffs and shifts his view to their hands, squeezing them as he tries to find the words. “I just… I’ve never been in a relationship that was… soft and understanding . It’s always been messy fights and almost-break-ups and…” He trails off, shaking his head. “When we decided to get together, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be like that with you. And then I went and ruined it all. I’m so sorry, Carlos.”
Carlos leans in, cupping his cheeks as Tk’s hands immediately follow, clasping his around his own face. “You haven’t ruined anything. You are not a perfect person, Tk. You are allowed to make mistakes. I am looking past this because I know exactly who you are. It is because I know you so well, that it’s impossible for me to hold this against you. So, stop apologizing and let me forgive you so we can go to bed.”
Tk blinks a few times, leaning his cheek into Carlos’ left hand before nodding slightly and breathing out, “Okay.”
“Okay.” Carlos says quietly, smiling a little as he leans in and gives him a couple kisses on the cheek, before pulling him in for the real deal. “I love you.” He says against his lips.
“I love you.” Tk replies softly, as if he thought he’d never get to say it again. Carlos just grins and kisses him a little harder, before placing another to his forehead as he says, “Let’s go to sleep, baby.”
Tk nods against him and then they pull apart, lazily proceeding with their night routine of turning on the alarms and shutting off the lights before Tk lets his boyfriend lead him upstairs to the bedroom. They get undressed in comfortable silence and Tk slides into his side first, followed quickly by Carlos, who situates himself under the covers and then pulls him in, nudging their noses together as their limbs intertwine.
That’s how they fall asleep; noses touching, breath brushing across each other’s skin.