Chapter Text
The scene was familiar by now.
They sat at a secluded table of the Medical Faculty’s food court, which had quickly become their official hanging spot. The ones who could make it there varied, between the three medical students always swamped with work and the engineering ones not always having the time to do the trek from their own faculty. But they met as often as they could.
Ming liked that. He liked their little group, he liked seeing Yo and Phana being disgusting and happy together, he liked that he had grown close to Forth, who was reliable and helpful and made Ming feel like he had an older brother. And of course, he liked that his boyfriend was part of that group, because Kit was never as open and himself than when surrounded by his friends, comfortable in the familiarity of the group.
It was a little disheartening, that Ming could never get to see him like this when it was only the two of them, but he tried not to let it get to him too much, even if it wasn’t that easy these days.
And Kit certainly didn’t look all that relaxed now.
The scene was familiar, the words almost the same, weeks after weeks. Beam was the guiltiest, but the others encouraged it too, if only lightly. Ming knew they didn’t mean anything by it. It didn’t make it any better.
“Come on, nothing?” Beam insisted, again. “Is it true, or do you just not want to tell us? I’m wounded, KitKat. I tell you everything about my sex life.”
“You really don’t have to,” Kit shot back, but Ming could see by the displeased turn of his mouth and his clenched fists that he was truly upset. He didn’t understand how the others could not see it, could not see the line, could not leave it alone.
“Not even…”
“I’m going to the library,” Kit said abruptly. He stood up and left without another word and without a look at either of them.
Especially not to Ming, who talked himself into not following, not calling back, because he knew it would only worsen Kit’s mood.
Ming had a talent for doing that, it seemed.
Yo rested a hand on Ming’s wrist, catching his attention to stare at him intently. Ming knew what he was trying to convey. They had talked about it – they told each other everything. Yo had told him to bring it up, to tell the others, and Ming had said he would while doubting he would actually dare. But Yo wasn’t going to let him off the hook so easily.
“We should go too,” Phana said. They all started to pack their things, but Yo stopped them.
“Wait, please. Ming has something to tell you first.”
Ming cast a betrayed look at his best friend, but Yo was unmoved. Whoever thought that cute little Yo was as nice and sweet as a kitten was deeply misled. Yo was a heartless bitch.
“What is it?” Forth asked, encouraging. Ming couldn’t back out now. Yo was the worst.
“It’s about Kit. I need you… You have to stop doing this. All of you.”
“Doing what?”
“What you just did. Asking about us and trying to get him to talk about it. You need to leave our sex life alone.”
“Or lack of,” Beam teased, but he lost his playful expression at Ming’s scorching glare.
“It’s none of your business what we do or don’t do! It’s hard enough as it is and you’re only making it worse!”
“What? What did I do?” Beam protested, starting to get defensive. This was why Ming didn’t want to bring it up. Because they weren’t doing anything wrong, were they? It was all in good humor. No big deal.
Except it was. To Ming, and especially to Kit, it was the biggest deal, and that was already a problem on its own.
“Are things not going well between you?” Pha asked, and Ming knew he was trying to be supportive, but he wasn’t supportive of Ming here. Pha was unable to keep the underlining accusation from his voice, convinced that he was that Ming couldn’t treat Kit right, that he wasn’t good enough. Not that he had ever said anything of the sort, but he didn’t have to.
Besides, it wasn’t like he was wrong. It became clearer every day that Ming maybe couldn’t, indeed, treat Kit right, despite how hard he tried.
“Do you need… like… advice?” Beam asked in the most awkward tone possible. Ming shook his head.
“I just need you to stop bothering him with this.”
“Why is such a big deal?”
“It just is!”
He couldn’t tell them. Kit wouldn’t want him too he was sure, and they wouldn’t understand anyway.
Yo knew because Ming told him everything, but he had little advice more than "talk to him about it". And Ming had, or he had tried, at least. But Kit didn’t want to talk, completely impervious to any attempt at broaching the subject. And most others for that matter. He wasn't much for talking. Not to Ming. He wasn't much for anything when it came to Ming.
Ming gathered his things and left, not bothering to make up an excuse. Yo would probably smooth things out a bit, even if he couldn’t say much more without betraying Ming’s confidence, and Ming doubted that any amount of explanation would make the others understand what was going on with Kit.
Ming certainly didn’t know, and chances were Kit didn’t know either.
What Ming did know was this – as far as he could tell, Kit didn’t want to have sex with Ming. Whether there was a time limit on that or not remained unknown. Whether it extended to any kind of physical contact, or any kind of close proximity for that matter, was starting to become more and more likely, to Ming’s utter dismay. He had been able to chalk it up as Kit being shy, for a while. Kit being uncomfortable, Kit being too new to all this.
It would be six months since Kit agreed to date him in a few weeks. It felt like they had only kept going backward.
Maybe because at the beginning it made sense that they didn't rush into anything physical, that things didn't get too intense, too serious. Ming was pretty sure Kit was… maybe not properly afraid, but very wary of anything relating to sex and intimacy, and as time passed, he had only grown less comfortable with being in Ming's space, or more accurately, Ming being in his, since Kit wouldn't approach him on his own. As if he was worried Ming could jump him at any time. As if that was all Ming ever thought about.
And it wasn't, damn it but it wasn't at all. Ming would have been losing sleep over the possibility of having sex if he didn't have to worry about getting so much as a kiss, a hug, some hand-holding. A smile even, a gentle look. It was all his thoughts were consumed about. Because it was a perpetual challenge to even get that much.
It had been fine, at first. He didn’t mind walking the walk, chasing Kit around, gently coax him into relaxing in his presence. It was rewarding to achieve it, but he wasn’t so good at that anymore.
And it grew tiresome to see his boyfriend flinch from his touch and throw daggers at him every time he dared to ask for a little attention and affection. It made Ming feel like the most annoying nag.
Six months and instead of planning anything and getting excited at the prospect, all Ming could think of was why Kit had gone along with this for so long.
.
Ming took a deep breath, and a second and maybe a third, before he opened the door to Kit's room.
He still kept it unlocked, it had to mean something right? He couldn’t have missed that Ming had taken to barge in instead of asking beforehand. When he showed up unannounced there was a chance Kit would relent and let him stay, while if he asked via text he was pretty certain to get a no right away.
Kit kept the door unlocked. This was what Ming had to hold onto these days.
The boy was studying at his desk as always. He looked up just enough to recognize who was intruding into his territory. Ming received a brief half-mile that maybe wasn’t even annoyed before Kit focused back on his textbook. This was as far as a blanket approval to come in as he would get.
He didn’t expect Kit to interrupt himself for him. Medical studies were no joke and it didn’t bother Ming that Kit studied as much as he did, that it took precedence over everything else. He just wanted them to spend time together in whatever way, but even that was too much now. At some point Kit had been comfortable reviewing his notes from the bed with Ming laying on his lap, or leaning against Ming’s shoulders while he did his own homework. But even this was too much these days, and Ming stayed on the bed alone, trying and failing to focus on his assignment and not the desperate wish inside him to just reach out and touch, to be reassured that Kit knew he was actually there, that Ming wasn’t totally forgotten.
He held on a whole fifteen minutes before breaking the silence. Commendable, if he could say so himself.
"Hey, P'Kit? What do you want to do for our six months anniversary?"
Ming had given up on nicknames for the most part. He didn’t know if it was part of the problem, so better safe than sorry. Kit didn’t seem to notice, so who cared, right.
He expected to have to ask again a few times, maybe shake Kit to get his attention, but surprisingly his boyfriend was all ears, turning on his chair the next moment. Sadly it didn’t seem to be because he was excited at the prospect, judging from his face.
“Why, what did you have in mind?” he asked, almost sounding suspicious. “Do we have to do anything special?”
Ming bit the inside of his lips so that nothing would show on his face. They didn’t. They didn’t have to do anything. They didn’t have to celebrate a milestone of their relationship, they didn’t have to spend time together.
They didn’t have to be dating.
“No, I didn’t think about it yet, just… We could go on a date. Something nice. I don’t know.”
“Oh. Yeah, that would be nice.”
That wasn’t very convincing, but Ming wasn’t about to point that out, lest the other boy changed his mind.
“Cool. I’ll plan something.”
He grappled at something else to say, anything to keep the conversation going. Just to ask about Kit’s day, to tell him about his, just to talk. He didn’t know what to say. He knew he could be overbearing, annoying even. It wasn’t a Kit thing, he had been told before. He talked too much too fast, he had too much to say. Kit didn’t ever say anything of the sort but maybe it was one of the reasons why he didn’t want to spend time with Ming, so Ming tried to tone that down too.
He toned down, toned down, but it never seemed to be enough for Kit to be happy with him.
“Hey, N’Ming…”
“Yes?”
“Are you… Is everything alright?”
Ming blinked, caught off guard. Kit wasn’t back at his work, he was still turned toward the bed, still looking at Ming. Ming loved it when Kit looked at him, when he got the full weight of his attention. Kit was always laser-focused, set on one thing at a time. When he talked to Ming it felt like he was the most important thing in the room, in the world.
“Huh, yeah? I’m a bit tired I guess, we have a lot of deadlines approaching at the same time…”
Kit frowned minutely, searching for his words.
“It’s just, you seem preoccupied. I don’t know, you’ve been a little… distant, these days.”
This time Ming couldn’t find anything to reply.
Distant. He was distant. He was distant. Him.
That’s what he ended up saying, even if he didn’t want to.
“I’ve been distant?”
Kit caught on the bitter edge of his tone, he moved back a little, already defensive. Ming tried to sort his thoughts out, not to lash out and let his tongue run, but it was just…
It was stupid to be happy about this, that Kit had noticed after all, that he had seen something was amiss, different. But it had been weeks of Ming trying to step back, trying alone to strike a balance that would suit them both, and then one that would suit Kit at least, and failing at every step. With Kit always so, so far away, unbothered and unconcerned, unreachable.
Ming was distant.
“What about you then?”
“What? What about me? I’ve been the same.”
“Yes, yes, you have.”
Kit had been the same, and Ming had taken a step back, and the result was predictable and stark clear – they had barely spoken, barely spent any time together.
“Did it even bother you?” Ming asked, and he was losing the fight against his feelings now, voice cracking under the weight of his doubts. “I’m surprised you noticed at all.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I don’t… I…”
He scrunched his face in the hope that it would keep the tears at bay. He didn’t know why it was getting at him so hard today. He had been doing fine until now, and nothing had changed.
Nothing ever changed.
“P’Kit, are you… are you happy with me? Are you happy that we are together?”
“What are you… Do you want to break up with me?”
“Do you?”
“No!”
"Why not? Why not, huh? What do we do together, that we wouldn't if we were just friends, or even just passing acquaintances?"
Lately it felt like Ming was the person least close to Kit out of all the people he knew.
“Is this about what Beam said? Because I don’t sleep with you?” Kit asked, tone accusing and full of hurt. Ming wanted to scream.
“No it’s not! It’s not about sex! You’re the one who keeps making this about sex, you and your stupid friends!”
“Hey!”
Ming addressed a mental apology to the medical students, who didn’t deserve to bear the brunt of his helplessness and anger.
“What do you want from me then?” Kit asked, and it was absurd for him to be so genuinely puzzled, it didn’t make sense that he didn’t know, that he truly believed there was nothing else Ming could possibly want aside from taking him to bed.
“I don’t see how I could think about having sex with you when you can’t even bear hugging me.”
Kit looked taken aback, as if this was somewhat surprising, as if he had no idea. Ming couldn’t tell what would be worse, between him pretending not to know, or him having genuinely missed this.
“I don’t ever bring it up, I never asked. You’re the one who keeps talking about it, as if it’s the only possible thing we could do as a couple when I… I can’t touch you at all. I can’t even approach you without you tensing up and glaring at me as if I was threatening to take off your clothes right there. What I want is… is just for you to like me. But you don’t. You don’t like me P’Kit, or if you do you’re too damn good at hiding it and I don’t get it. I don’t get… I don’t get why you even stay.”
Of course, he had his theories, dozens of them. Kit didn’t want to rock the boat, Kit didn’t want to make it awkward for their friends, Kit enjoyed the attention, Kit pitied Ming too much to dump him. Kit was actually an alien from a faraway planet and he needed to stay in a relationship to keep his cover and blend in more easily. He had thought them all.
He had trouble believing he had managed to voice all this when it felt like he had never put it into word properly, even in his own mind. Yo had tried to get him to talk a few times, but Ming was nothing if not stubborn. He didn’t want this to end. He didn’t want to know, didn’t want to find out. He was a coward – he was perfectly fine going along, not saying anything if Kit didn’t either, maintain the pretense and convince himself that it was still worth it, that there was still something to salvage from this.
He was stubborn, but it seemed like he had his limits too.
“That’s… that’s not it,” Kit said weakly, but he didn’t add anything else. The few meters between them could have been ten thousand miles for how impossible to cross they were. Kit wouldn’t look at him. Ming couldn’t even get that.
“What is it then?”
Kit opened his mouth as if to answer, but as always he caught himself at the last moment, sealed his lips again.
“Please don’t do that. Say something. Tell me. It’s not fair. You have to tell me. It’s not fair!”
His pleas went unanswered. Kit seemed so pained, so tormented, and Ming wanted nothing more than to make it all go away, to take him in his arms and make him laugh, make him forget all this. But it wouldn’t work, wouldn’t it? Because Ming was the problem. If Kit was suffering now, it was because of him.
He bolted out of the room as if it was on fire.
.
Kit had been so stupid.
He had been the worst fool, he could hardly believe it. He would have his spot at the Medical Faculty revoked if they knew what an idiot he was. The shame and the guilt were drilling a hole into his guts as Ming’s heartbroken face kept pursuing him. There was no escaping it.
To think, he had been foolish enough to think that he was doing fine. That he was hiding well, that nothing was amiss. He could avoid Ming’s touch without letting it show, it wasn’t a problem at all. He had convinced himself it wasn’t an issue – after all, Ming hadn’t said anything, so it had to mean he didn’t notice, and all was fine.
Stupid, stupid.
Ming had noticed. He had very much noticed, and he had drawn the most erroneous but logical conclusion – that Kit had a problem with him, that Kit didn’t like him after all. How long had he stewed into these feelings, trying to make sense of it, to do better, convinced that he was at fault? And Kit had seen nothing at all, Kit had been sure things were just peachy.
He would have been embarrassed if he wasn’t too busy feeling plain awful.
He didn’t go after Ming. It wouldn’t help – his thoughts were a mess, he didn’t know what he would tell the other boy. He would only make things worse, as he had constantly done ever since they had gotten together. Six months, and what did they have to show for it? Ming would end up hating him soon, if he didn’t already.
Kit went back to studying because that's all he knew to do. He wasn't up for any memorizing but he could easily organize his note and make cards even with muddied thoughts and a throbbing heart.
He had always managed before.
He kept an eye on his phone, expecting a call or a text, from Ming or Wayo or even Pha, since if Ming had gone to his best friends, Pha would soon be dragged into this too. Nothing happened, and it meant that either Ming had managed to convince Wayo not to get involved, for the first time ever, or, far more likely, that Ming didn’t go to him at all.
That he went home alone, that he locked himself in his room and didn’t reach out to Wayo, to anyone. The thought was unbearable, but what could Kit do? Ming was hurt and sad because of him. He was the last person who could comfort him.
Still, he had to talk to him. Ming was right, it wasn’t fair, to either of them. Kit opened one of his notebooks and started taking notes. If there was one thing he was good at, it was taking notes. He tried to put his thoughts in order, to draft up what he would say, what needed to be said. It calmed him down a little, enough that he managed to go to sleep, though he tossed and turned through the night.
He tried not to snap at his friends at breakfast the next day while Pha waited for Wayo to come say hello before class. He tried to hide his disappointment when the boy showed up without his best friend in tow. Frustrating, but not a surprise.
“He said he had some last-minute work to do,” Wayo said without being prompted and Kit wondered if he was that transparent, or if the other boy was just that perceptive. He was very attuned to Ming’s mood – and very protective of him.
“Did something happen?”
The tone wasn’t accusing, or at least not as much as it could – should – have been. Ming had said nothing, for sure, but Wayo still knew something was up, that was just how they were. Kit’s friends had no idea, because he was always in a bad mood and they couldn’t tell when it was justified or not. He didn’t want them to know.
Maybe he wouldn’t be in this mess if he had been more open from the start, to them included.
“Yes,” he said, decisive, looking at Wayo straight in the eyes not to catch the curious gaze of his friends. “But I’m going to sort it out.”
He expected Wayo to demand an explanation. The boy only nodded.
“Okay. Please do.”
Always the mature one, Wayo, always reasonable and steady. Kit would have to tell Pha one day that, as regrettable as it was to be said, he didn’t deserve his boyfriend.
Kit escaped to class before Pha or Beam could ask anything about it, and he played the avoiding game for the rest of the day. He didn’t want to talk about it, he wouldn’t even know where to start. But above that, he just wasn’t that confident in how they would react.
He needed to talk to Ming first, and then he could go from there. If Ming was understanding, if Ming could accept his explanations, then maybe things would be okay. Maybe there was still hope for him.
He thoughts about what his boyfriend had said as he went through his day without a glimpse of him, nor a call or a text or any sign at all. He was right – Ming was the one doing all the work between them, all the time. He was the one reaching out, the one making sure they would meet through their busy schedule. Kit had been fine with it. He had thought it was enough. No need to get too close or too involved, no need to go too far. Somehow he had thought this would hold and he couldn’t help but remember that it could have, but not through any effort on his part. Ming could have said nothing and Kit would have been none the wiser. How could he so blind? Ming wasn’t particularly secretive with his feelings, not like Kit was. He was expressive and open, he was honest with himself and with others too. For Kit to have managed to push him to this, to keeping it all in his heart until he was ready to burst with it…
Impressive, really. Truly a feat. He wanted to punch himself in the face.
But that wasn’t the solution. The solution was to step up, for once. And so for the first time in a very long time, Kit was the one to make the trek between their two dorms and to knock at Ming’s door.
Ming’s surprise was obvious when he opened the door and really, did he think Kit would just… ignore it all? Maybe he did.
“Hi.”
“Hey. I was hoping we could… we could talk. If you want to.”
In his haste to open the door and let him in, Ming slammed it into his face.
“Shit!”
“Ming, you’re bleeding!”
Ming slapped a hand on his nose before blood could drip on his shirt and carpet. Kit walked him back into the room and pushed him to sit on the bed before going to fetch some tissues. Ming obediently lowered his hands when pried, subjecting to Kit’s inspection. He winced at the probing, but it was nothing serious. The blood had stopped already. He had a small cut on the bridge of his nose and it would probably be a bit swollen in the morning. Kit explained all that as he carefully wiped out the rest of the blood and slapped a band-aid on the cut.
And then he found himself with his hands on Ming’s face, close enough that it was kind of uncomfortable for their eyes to meet.
Or that might have been because they were uncomfortable period.
He moved back before he could catch himself, too quick and too brusque, and he didn't miss the resigned hurt on Ming's face. Couldn't he at least control himself better? Couldn't he stop hurting his boyfriend at every turn?
“You wanted to talk?” Ming prompted after a moment, either to get the ball rolling or to give Kit a chance to just leave.
“Yes.”
Ming wasn’t in the mood to do the talking it seemed, which was for the best, even if it wasn’t so pleasant to see him like this, quiet and subdued, as if waiting for judgment.
“I’m sorry, Ming. About how things are, between us. I know what you were talking about, I know I haven’t been… I don’t want to break up. It may be hard to believe for you, but I really don’t.”
Ming might though. Once they were through with this.
“It’s not about you.”
Kit cringed inwardly at the lame line, but it was the simple truth. It was no fault on Ming’s part that Kit couldn’t let him in, couldn’t let himself go. If anything Ming was the first person to ever make him want to.
“It’s me, I’m… That I’m shy and closed off you already knew, but it’s more than that.”
The amount of time he had wasted thinking about it, trying to find a way around it, to fix it however he could. Until he had to come to term with it, until he had to admit defeat, to realize that it wasn’t going to change, no matter how much he wanted it to.
“I don’t want to have sex. I know you said it wasn’t just about that,” he added quickly when Ming was about to protest. “But it is. In a way, it is.”
“You… don’t want to have sex with me?”
Kit shook his head, unable to maintain eye contact, unable to bear the disbelief and hurt in Ming’s expression, his gaze heavy on Kit’s shoulders.
“No.”
“Oh.”
“Does it… bother you?”
Ming huffed, incredulous.
“Huh, yeah. Yeah, it does.”
Kit choked on a rising sob, shoving it down with all his might, as if he wasn’t suffocating, as if this wasn’t exactly his worse fear come to life. Maybe it would have been easier to break up, would have been less painful, than to have to hear this. Even if he expected it, even if Ming was the one in the right here and Kit was at fault.
Still, Ming had said… He had said that it wasn’t what mattered, that he could wait. Ah, but that meant it would have to happen at some point. He wasn’t supposed to have to wait forever, this wasn’t what he had signed up for. Even Ming could only accept so much and Kit should have known, he should have known.
It was easier to turn to anger, as he usually did.
“You said it wasn’t the point. You said that it was okay, you said…”
“But what are we even doing then? What’s the point if you’re not even attracted to me?”
Kit huffed in dismay.
“That’s not what I said.”
“You said you didn’t want to have sex with me, it’s pretty…”
“That’s not what I said!”
It would be easier, in a way. As horrible as it sounded, he would have rather it was just it. The solution would have been simple then – break up, and look elsewhere. That was the plan, before Ming. Keep looking, keep waiting, because it was bound to happen at some point, he was going to find the right person, it was going to change.
It hadn’t. And Kit despite his terrible way of showing it, despite his doubts and pain, was pretty confident in his feelings for Ming. He knew their strength and endurance, knew it didn’t get much deeper, much wider than that.
And it still wasn’t enough.
“I said I… I don’t want to have sex. At all. It has nothing to do with you. I thought it would change but… Ming, I… I do like you. I really do. You probably don’t believe it, but I do, I like you so much but it… it didn’t change anything. It didn’t change.”
His voice broke on the last word and he drew in a shaky breath, overwhelmed. Ming wasn’t saying anything, so he went on.
“The way you look at me, sometimes, I don’t… I don’t get it, but I know what it means. And it terrifies me, I can’t escape it. Every time you touch me, every time we kiss, and even when we just hang out together, I can’t help but think about it, think about where it could lead, what you might think and want and ask for and I just… I can’t do it. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
Just the idea filled him with dread, it always had. This kind of touch, this desire, he couldn’t make sense of it and he didn’t want to. He was always put off by the topic, always averted his eyes during movies and shows, always tried to stir the conversation away when it became too detailed. And he had hoped he would get over it if he was in a serious relationship, if he got comfortable and trusting enough, if feelings were involved.
“It scares me to get closer, because I don’t know what you might want from me. I thought I could handle it but…”
Had he known it wouldn’t work, maybe he wouldn’t have accepted to go out with Ming at all. He would have spared both of them the struggle, because now…
Now Ming was staring at him with a look of confusion and hurt and Kit didn’t want to lose him, but he would, and it would be his own damn fault. He should have pulled the plug sooner. He should have been braver.
“Do you… Are you scared I’d go too far? That I wouldn’t stop?”
Kit shook his head, heart aching, and he had to take a moment. He couldn't stand Ming's worry and hurt, couldn't stand him thinking this way.
“No, no, it’s not it. I trust you, I do. But I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I would tell you to stop.”
He knew himself well enough. Despite his reputation, despite his prickliness and sharp tongue, he feared he wouldn’t put a stop to it, he wouldn’t back down. He would go through with it, convince himself he would enjoy it when he knew damn well he wouldn't, and he would hate it, and hate himself. And he would come to hate Ming too.
He didn’t even know where he would want to stop, what he could and couldn’t deal with. It was better not to risk it at all. Or well, no, it wasn’t, but what choice did he have?
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
Ah, yeah, there was this choice. It was easier said than done though. Maybe not for Ming, so painfully honest and straightforward, who couldn’t fathom burying away the truth simply because it was too painful to face.
“I didn’t want this to end.”
He had been selfish, to put it plainly. He had clung to the hope that he could get away with never discussing it, that Ming would magically get along with it and not question it at all.
“You said you didn’t want to break up.”
“I don’t. But… Don’t-don’t you?”
Ming frowned, looking affronted like Kit had just said a great offense. It was all sort of adorable on his face. It quickly gave way to something less definite, wary but hopeful too.
“I mean. You do like me? You do?”
And really, Kit had his reasons and his own issues to sort through but this was definitively his biggest offense, that Ming could be so insecure in Kit’s feelings, that he had so completely failed to convey them. Ming was right, Kit had done a terrible job at being in this relationship.
“Ming, I-“
The words had come up so often, crowding at his lips, begging to be released. But he hesitated, again.
Wouldn’t it be better to keep it in? To pretend his feelings didn’t run that deep? Wasn’t it selfish of him to say it to Ming, knowing their relationship still wouldn’t progress in the direction the other boy wanted? Ming could do better than Kit. He deserved to be treated right, to be loved properly. Maybe he should…
“Kit. Please. Tell me. Please?”
Ah. Maybe he should just listen to Ming.
“I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, or show you, I’m sorry I made you feel bad. I’m sorry I’m so terrible at this. It scares the shit out of me, but I love you.”
Only when he saw it, Ming’s smile, his broad, open smile, the one he got like a reflex every time he looked at Kit, only then did Kit realized how long it had been, how down Ming had been lately, how miserable they were both in the past few weeks. Ming smiled, heartfelt, happy.
“P’Kit, can I… can we hug?”
Kit nodded minutely and he kept still as Ming got closer, wrapped his arms Kit’s waist, hid his face into his neck. He held tight, but he didn’t move any further, and after a moment Kit relaxed into it, lifted his hands to cradle Ming’s head close to his chest, to try and smother both their sobs and dry their tears. Ming felt small in his arms like he never had before, felt as young as he was, in need of comfort and reassurance, of love.
“Can we try?” Ming mumbled after a moment. Kit stiffened, dread building up but Ming shot up from his hiding place in Kit’s neck to clarify.
“Not that! Just… just try like this. I’ll just ask, okay? I’ll ask. I don’t want it to end either. We can try, can’t we?”
“I don’t want you to wait for something that will never happen.”
“I won’t be waiting. I have other things to do you know.”
Ming’s smile was still a little watery, but it was there. Kit rolled his eyes.
“Can we kiss?”
Kit hesitated, but he nodded again. It was just a peck, then a second, before Ming settled back against his chest, sighing in utter content as he got comfortable in Kit’s arms. Kit nuzzled at his hair, enjoying his warmth, his weight against him.
He stroked Ming’s hair without thinking as the boy’s breathing got deeper.
“We could go to the beach,” Kit said out of the blue, suddenly inspired.
“Hmm?”
“For our anniversary. Exams will be done. We can stay overnight. Spend some time together.”
“Wanna see you in a swimsuit.”
He didn’t know if he could get used to it, to Ming’s desire, when he couldn’t meet it with his own. But maybe he didn’t have to feel threatened by it. He did trust Ming. They could talk it through.
Ming would look good half-naked on the beach.
“I could be convinced.”
Ming pressed deeper against Kit’s chest, until they laid awkwardly half across his bed. Kit held him close.
“We can try. I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”
He swore he could feel Ming’s smile.
.
“You look tired boys. I know for a fact Kit came back rather late from your place Ming. Anything to share?”
Ming winced, overcome like he rarely was with a sudden urge to strangle Beam on the spot. He still felt off-balanced and fragile, after the drain of the previous evening. He had woken up alone, tucked neatly into bed in just his shirt, and it made him blush to think about Kit removing his clothes, gentle and careful so as not to wake him up.
He still wasn’t sure where they stood, what the future held for them, and he really didn’t need Beam to pock holes at it now.
It was Kit who spoke up this time though.
“Beam. I’m uncomfortable with the topic of sex and I don’t want to discuss it with any of you. I want you to stop bringing it up, starting now.”
His voice was perfectly even but suffered no argument. Beam grumbled a bit, but he eventually agreed with a dramatic sigh before immediately launching into another topic.
Kit reached out under the table, just to tap briefly on Ming’s hand as if to say “there, there, all is fine,” and Ming found himself absurdly flustered. They weren’t otherwise touching, but they were sitting close and when Ming stole glances at Kit, Kit was looking back.
Kit loved him. They would try.