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“Junnie darling, you’re my best friend...”
Soobin met Yeonjun when they were in the kindergarten.
Soobin was a shy boy who couldn’t make friends so easily like the others. He was quiet, out of the eyes most of the time. He would always listen to his caretakers, never causing a problem. Thus, nobody paid attention to him.
One of those days, he was sitting on the grass, eating his lunch that his mother prepared with love. His parents got divorced a few years ago, Soobin was too little to remember. But he loved his mother so much. She was such a good mother, she never made Soobin feel like he was alone despite her busy job. He was grateful that he had her as a mother.
“You’re cute.” All of a sudden he heard someone, causing him to jump on where he was sitting. He looked at his right and saw a boy, probably a little older than him.
Said boy sat next to him and reached out his hand, there was a wide smile on his face. “I’m Yeonjun.”
Soobin looked at him, dumbfounded. It was the first time someone talked to him other than his caretakers. “I-I am Soobin.” He replied as he reached out his hand hesitantly. Yeonjun held his hand immediately, his smile grew even wider.
“Even your name is cute, Soobinnie.” He said, causing the boy blush all over. He had heard that from his mother’s friends and some other adults but he was never used to the compliments. And it was a whole different thing to hear them from someone other than an adult.
“How old are you?” Yeonjun asked, his sharp eyes were sparkling with excitement and curiosity. They reminded Soobin the stars, like he had a mini galaxy in those dark brown eyes. Although he wanted to look away he couldn’t bring himself there.
Pretty .
“I’m six.” He said, voice low. The boy’s smile got wider as the stars in his eyes shined even brighter. “Then it makes me your hyung, I’m seven.” He said happily.
Soobin couldn’t do anything except humming, he had an elder brother and sister already but they were staying with their father. Soobin didn’t even remember when was the last time they stayed the night under the same roof. He also didn’t have friends, his life contained only his mother, not even his other family members. It was hard for him to accept others–and also scary. He was just six.
He looked at his bento, his mother had put so many snacks. She had said him to share and make new friends. Maybe he could try?
“Do you want some, Junnie hyung?” He asked, reaching out his bento. The older nodded as he took some candy.
Soobin could swear he saw new starts joining in those sharp eyes.
“But there’s a few things that you don’t know of...”
Soobin had always admired his best friend.
They simply grew together, they were inseparable to Soobin’s mother’s saying. Soobin didn’t object, to him Yeonjun was like a demigod.
His admiration wasn’t romantic at first, though.
He was always astonished by the older’s social skills–something Soobin didn’t have. Even though he had so many friends he never left Soobin behind, he was always there for the younger.
Soobin always worshiped his confidence, his cool nature. He also worshiped how he knew when to draw the line and when to put it away.
He adored his eyes. Those fox alike eyes which held the universe inside. The way they became a thin line when the older laughed dearly.
He adored his voice. It was like an angel when the older sang for Soobin– only for Soobin.
He adored how flexible he was, even when he grew older his 3/4 legs body remained its’ resilience. And the way he danced was nothing but a magical scene.
He admired Yeonjun. Every little part of him, his beauty and his flaws, his strength and his weaknesses. He admired his dreams and even his fears. He cherished everything about him.
He first thought that he saw him as just a friend, his hyung who looked after him even after so many years.
But when he turned sixteen, a new feeling infiltrated his heart, dragging a thousand more behind it.
“You’re staring, hyung.”
Soobin turned to look at the younger opposite of him, reading his book while munching the carrot cake his mother made–which Soobin intented to share it with another certain boy.
“I’m not.” He murmured, taking a bite of the cake. His mother was the best cook, whatever she had made turned into a masterpiece but right now Soobin was not in the mood to praise the dessert.
Although he said he wasn’t looking, he was. And he knew he was obvious but he couldn’t look away, his eyes were focused on one hand.
“How much pressure does it take to break an arm?” Soobin whispered more likely to himself but cafeteria was quite, at least where they were sitting was. So Taehyun heard him clearly.
“More than 9,000 Newton.” The younger answered casually, like it was an information that everyone knew about. “But we both know you won’t break her arm even if you had enough power. You still cry after killing a bug.” Taehyun added without lifting his head from the book.
“They deserve to be alive! We are the ones who live in their world!” Soobin shouted, causing some of the students to look at their table. His faces turned red immediately as he bowed a little.
“You’re pretty offensive when it comes to nature, thinking how much an introvert you are.” Taehyun finally put his book on the table and giving all of his attention to the older.
“I hate the grey world people created, that’s why I am an introvert!” Soobin defensed himself. This time more students looked at their way, Soobin sinked down on his seat. It wasn’t a lie, except he didn’t have enough social skills to communicate with people easily.
His eyes turned to the older again, following the girl’s hand which was stroking his jet black, soft like cloud hair. Yeonjun was smiling speesihly.
It used to be Soobin who did that, who caused that beautiful smile.
Soobin stabbed his fork to the cake. “Okay, I know you’re jealous but don’t hurt auntie’s cake, it’s more precious than anyone in this room.” Taehyun said, replacing the older’s cake with the school’s jello.
“I’m not jealous, Taehyun-ah!” Soobin said, not taking his eyes off the scene. “Why would I get jealous? I’m happy for my hyung who has a girlfriend now.”
“Tell that to the jello you just destroyed.” Taehyun said. Soobin lowered his eyes and found the green thing was now just pieces. He sighed, his stomach felt like it was on fire but seeing the mess he had made calmed him down, a little.
“Sorry.” He whispered. Taehyun chuckled but soon his face turned serious. Soobin still couldn’t believe how this fourteen years old boy had such a mature side.
“Hyung, you like Yeonjun hyung, don’t you?” He asked, with the voice only Soobin could hear.
“Or course! He’s my first and best friend.” Soobin said, voice shaking a little. What was that tickling inside his chest?
“I’m offended.” Taehyun said, crossing his arms. “You said the cake was more precious than me. The cake.” Soobin answered back. Taehyun rolled his eyes. “I said anyone in this room which contains me as well. Now, don’t get off the point!”
He leaned closer. “Do you like him, in a romantic way?” He whispered.
Soobin didn’t answer for a while, thinking. He never hid his admiration for Yeonjun, like he had said earlier the older was a demigod in his eyes. But he always thought it was because the older took care of him, he loved him as his friend.
But he couldn’t totally ignore the fire burning inside of him, was it really jealousy? Was he wrong thinking Yeonjun was just a friend to him?
“How do I tell, Taehyun-ah?” He asked, almost feeling defeated. That was why he hated interacting with people, communicating was complicated and relationships always brought drama.
“Look at them, hyung.” Taehyun said, his voice was soft. He was a good friend, the best Soobin could ever ask for. Even though he was younger, he always helped Soobin, without any circumstance.
Soobin turned his eyes and watched the couple for a few seconds, his heart clinging in his chest. It shouldn’t have been that hard to look at them, then why did he feel like puking?
He dropped his head on the table. “I don’t like it, Hyun.” He said, voice getting trapped between his face and table. He sounded like a whining puppy.
“Why?” Taehyun asked again, understanding. Soobin turned his head to look at his friend, eyes almost wet with tears. Great, now he was going to cry.
“Because I don’t like Yeonjun hyung, I am fucking in love with him.” He hid his face just before the first tear dropped.
“Stealing your stuff now and then
Nothing you’d miss but means the world to me...”
Soobin looked at the pencil between his long fingers. It was just a simple wooden, almost done pencil, nothing special. Just a few months ago, he had forgotten to bring his pencil case so Yeonjun lended him this pencil and Soobin didn’t give it back. The older never asked him to, either.
“Ha-yo!” Taehyun sat next to him, putting his books and notebooks on the table. Soobin greeted him with a hum, not looking away from the pencil.
“Are you still keeping that, hyung?” Taehyun asked, earning a nod from the older. “It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Soobin said, putting the pencil back to his case carefully.
“I’m pretty sure Yeonjun hyung bit it twice a day.” Taehyun answered, a little disgusted. Soobin didn’t care though. “Where is he by the way, I thought we had agreed to eat lunch together.”
Soobin sighed, his shoulders dropped. He slid the box to the younger. “You can have his slice, he said he was going to take his boyfriend out for lunch.” He murmured but he knew Taehyun heard him.
“Would you be mad if I say I’m glad he didn’t keep his word?” Taehyun asked taking the homemade dessert, it smelled so good. “Ouch.” Soobin said. “And you know you can always visit.”
“I know, and I also know how ER can get. I once visited my mom, it was so chaotic. ” Taehyun said as munching. Soobin just nodded, he had gone with his mother once too.
He opened his notebook, he had lost his appetite. He revised his notes from today’s class, university was harder than he had imagined and it was only his second year.
“Isn’t that Yeonjun hyung’s ponytail?” Taehyun asked, seeing the pink thin buckle on the older’s exposed wrist. Soobin followed his eyes and nodded when he understood. “But he cut his hair two weeks ago.”
Soobin remained silent for a while, knowing exactly why he decided to cut his gorgeous long hairs–his boyfriend didn’t like it, tasteless moron .
“I stole this six months ago.” He whispered then, him and the older stayed at the same dorm so it wasn’t hard.
“How many little things you had stolen from him?” Taehyun asked, little bit taken aback. Soobin smiled bitterly. “A lot, but it isn’t like he notices.” He said, his smile disappeared. “He never notices anything.”
Taehyun put his hand on the older’s shoulder, giving him an assuring pat. “I want to bring up the ‘talk to him’ conversation but for this remarkable dessert I’m gonna let you be today.” He said half joking half serious.
Soobin gave him a thankful smile. Who said bribery was a bad thing?
“I’ve been doing bad things that you don’t know about...”
Soobin looked at himself in the mirror, he did a good job with his makeup. His face was paler and a little bit greenish, just like how he wanted.
He sniffed, his face got puffier and his eyes were getting wet every second. His sinusitis made everything better–and no, he didn’t spend an hour on the cold february night with wet hair just to stimulate it. What kind of idiot would do that? Absolutely not Soobin!
He heard the dorm’s door open and hid the makeup tools immediately. He took off the heat band of his forehead and inhaled. His heart was beating like crazy. “Soobinnie, I brought food. Sorry I couldn’t cook today.” Yeonjun yelled.
Soobin got closer to the bathroom’s door, he closed his eyes. God, help me.
“It’s okay, hyung. I’m not that hun–“ he started with a fatigue voice, following his script. He made barfing sounds, not forgetting to rush to toilet and pour the glass of water he had prepared earlier.
“Binnie! Are you okay?” He heard Yeonjun rushed to the bathroom and knocked on the door hurriedly. “Why is the door locked? What happened? Binnie, answer me!”
Soobin might’ve felt a little guilty for making the older worry but he had to. He had good intentions.
He flushed the toilet. “I’m fi-fine.” He answered weakly. He hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday, so it wasn’t too hard. Thank internet for giving so much details.
“Then open the door.” Yeonjun said, pestering the door. “Why did you lock it in the first place?”
Soobin opened the door, keeping his head low. He tried to take a step but he let himself slightly fall into the older. Yeonjun grabbed him immediately, he looked at him with so much worry in his eyes.
“How’s this fine, Soobin?” He said, he pressed his lips to the younger’s forehead, tempering his fever. Soobin’s stomach got ticklish, he knew Yeonjun always did it like that but he still wasn’t used to it. He tried to focus on his script, pretending to be shivering.
“You’re burning!” Yeonjun yelped, guiding him to his bed. He gently lay him on the bed, Soobin tried to cover himself but Yeonjun didn’t let him. “No, you’ll get your fever up!” He said, Soobin could see the panic in his eyes. It was the first time Soobin “got” this sick, he’d been a strong boy. So, Soobin understood his worry and it only made his guilt grew.
“I can’t leave you like this.” Yeonjun whispered to himself, Soobin bit his smile, he wouldn’t be lying if he said he didn’t feel smug knowing Yeonjun cared for him more. But it wasn’t over yet.
“I’ll make a quick phone call, okay? Don’t cover yourself.” He said to Soobin and took a step for leaving. Soobin quickly grabbed his wrist, acting as much as miserable.
“No, hyung. I don’t want to ru-ruin your da-date.” He spoke slowly. “I already called my mom, I can call Taehyun if I g-got worse. I’ll be ok-okay.” He tried to sound weaker with each word.
The script ended here, the rest was just luck. He prayed Yeonjun would choose him like the other times. He wasn’t proud of tricking him but having the older’s attention on only himself felt so good he couldn’t care.
Yeonjun sat next to him, pulling away the black strands out of his eyes. He smiled fondly but his eyes showed how much worried he was.
Soobin wanted to cry, he never liked seeing the older this way and he hated the fact he was lying to him right now. He couldn’t hold back his warm tears, Yeonjun’s eyes got softer as he wiped them away gently.
“Don’t talk gibberish, Binnie.” He said. “I’m your hyung, I’ll take care of you. It’s just a date which can be relayed another time.” He got up and took out his phone from his pocket.
Soobin gulped. He knew that date was never going to happen next time, that’s why he pretended to be sick at the first place.
Being a quiet kid had pros like people would talk about private things around him without even noticing. So that, he had heard so many things about the guy Yeonjun had a date today. None of them was great, they were about how he acted shitty to his partners and he thought about only sex. He was a douchebag, shortly.
Soobin wasn’t being selfish, mostly. Okay he might’ve had ruined a few dates before too but he only did those for his hyung. Soobin couldn’t let Yeonjun get hurt, he had to take care of him as well.
He heard Yeonjun shouting on the hallway, he was cussing. Soobin was sure he did the right thing.
He closed his eyes as more tears rolled down his cheeks.
But was it the right way?
“I wanna ruin our friendship, we should be lovers instead
I don’t know how to say this, ‘cause you’re my dearest friend”
Soobin turned on his bed, he picked up his phone and looked at the clock. It was almost two am.
He got off the bed and took quick steps to the older’s.
They had moved in a small apartment five months ago, now that Yeonjun had a internship at an entertainment company. Soobin was happy that his best friend was following his dream, being a choreographer. And he wanted to help, so he found a small house for them that was near the company–even though it took two hours to get his own work place. He didn’t care.
He slowly opened the door, the room was dark but he could pick the older’s silhouette on his bed. He heard his soft cries.
Soobin’s heart ached, he had seen the older crying before but it always brought pain to him no matter how much he witnessed it.
“Junnie hyung?” He called out softly, not wanting to scare the older. “Can I come in?” He asked but he was already inside the room, fidgeting on his feet. He was kinda afraid of the older to shove him.
“Ye-yes.” Yeonjun said quickly getting up and wiping his face. “Did I wake you up? Sorry, Binnie.” He said, voice cracking.
Soobin closed the door and sat next to Yeonjun, taking his hand in him. He always liked how the older’s hand fitted his slightly bigger hands. How he wished they could hold hands every second of the day, as lovers.
“No, hyungie.” He said, giving a soothing smile. “I was kinda feeling guilty, so I couldn’t sleep either.” He spoke slowly, caressing the older’s hand.
Yeonjun took his hand back but before Soobin could even feel bad the older cupped his face, looking deeply in his eyes.
“You did nothing wrong, bunny.” He said, his thumb was caressing the younger’s soft skin. “I’m not sad because she broke up with me. I never wanted move in with her. I love our house.”
Soobin’s heart started ponding in his chest. Our house, he thought. Like we are really together, we are more than friends. But it wasn’t time to fantasize things.
“Then why are you crying?” He asked, more worried than before. Did something else happen and Soobin couldn’t see it? Did he really leave his hyung get hurt by himself?
Yeonjun didn’t speak for a while, just looked at the younger. Soobin wished he could easily read him, they’ve been friends for more than fifteen years but sometimes it was just so hard to figure out what he was thinking.
“Junnie hyung?” He asked again, he knew the older liked the nickname. Silence was like a taboo between them, they would always joke around and tell silly things. If one of them, especially Yeonjun, remained their silence for long time the other knew a serious conversation was coming.
Soobin gulped. He didn’t want to keep his hopes high but the way Yeonjun looked at him, have it changed?
“I’m such a moron.” Yeonjun whispered. “How could I not realize I’ve been in love with you the whole time?” His hands were still holding the younger’s soft cheeks, his eyes were glittering under the dim light was coming from the window.
Soobin couldn’t even move a muscle with the sentence. Was this another dream?
“I don’t know since when but when she asked me to move in together I realized it wasn’t her who I wanted to see when I came home.” Yeonjun spoke, his voice was low. “Then I thought, it wasn’t anybody else but you I want to come home to.”
He slightly leaned closer, almost their noses were touching each other. His hands now were holding the other’s. Soobin couldn’t pull away, still frozen. He wasn’t imagining things right now, was he?
“I want to see you first thing in the morning, I want to wake you up with a good morning kiss. I want to cook breakfast for you and send you work with a kiss. After a long and exhausting day I want to come home and cradle to your arms, recharge while hugging you. I want to eat late night snacks with you while we talk about everything and nothing. I want to take care of you more, but not as your friend anymore.”
Soobin slapped himself, real hard.
“Why did you do that?” Yeonjun yelped, holding the younger’s red cheek. He caressed the stinging skin affectionately, his face was covered with a little panic.
“I had to be sure this isn’t a dream.” Soobin answered, lifting his hand and holding the older’s which was still on his skin. The slap hurted so much but now he knew this was real.
“You could’ve just asked me!” Yeonjun said, massaging his skin. Soobin leaned into his touch, closing his eyes. He knew how the older’s touch felt but receiving it not as a friend was a whole different thing.
“You had said yes every time.” Soobin said, remembering all of his dreams that ended up always the same way. Yeonjun would lean to kiss him and just before their lips could meet his alarm would go on.
Yeonjun giggled but then he stopped, he brought his other hand to the younger’s cheek. Soobin opened his eyes and saw Yeonjun’s curious look. He heard the question although the older didn’t speak.
“Junnie take my hand, ‘cause we are more than friends
I will follow you until the end”
Soobin turned his head and pressed his lips to the older’s palm, inhaling his citrus scent. So familiar yet so new...
His lips followed the way to his wrist, they lingered there for a while. Then he kissed the older’s chin, jawline and his cheeks. He kissed his eyes and nose slowly, enjoying the moment.
He waited when his lips came to the older’s ajar lips. They met eyes, under the dim light the older’s brown orbs seemed darker, lustful.
Soobin lifted his hand to caress the older’s cheekbone, his fingers brushed his skin affectionately. Yeonjun closed his eyes, a shaky breath escaped from his mouth. Soobin’s heart skipped a beat when he felt the hot minty breath on his own lips.
“Binnie...” Yeonjun whined desperately.
“I love you, Junnie hyung.” Soobin whispered.
It was Yeonjun who couldn’t hold back himself anymore. He held Soobin by his waist and pulled him closer, his chests touching each other. As his plump lips hovered over the younger’s heart shaped lips Soobin closed his eyes, melting into the kiss.
He had imagined over a thousand times how would it feel to kiss Yeonjun but none of that could be compared to this.
The flavor that enveloped his mouth, the hands that caressed his hot skin, the scent he inhaled...
It was all Yeonjun.
“Junnie, Junnie, Junnie...”