Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[123***0015]: TUBBO I SWEAR TO GOD

[123***0015] WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL FOR YOU TO PICK UP YOUR PHONE???

[Dreamth]: uh- wrong number??

[Dreamth]: But if your talking about Tubbo Smith then ig I know where he is-

[123***0015]: WHERE IS HE??

[Dreamth]: wait aren’t you afraid I might be like a psychopath or some shit?

[123***0015]: I DONT CARE 

[123***0015]: WHERE IS MY HUSBAND??

[Dreamth]: wut

One week earlier…

4:12 PM

[123***0001 has created MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS]

[123***0001 has added 123***0002, 123***0003, 123***0004, & 4 more to the chat]

[123***0001]: hello people who have similar numbers to mine :)

[123***0002]: dream we’re literally next to each other wtf

[123***0001]: stfu snapchat 

[123***0001 has changed 123***0002 name to Snapchat]

[Snapchat has changed their name to SappitusNappitus]

[SappitusNappitus has changed 123***0001 name to amDre]

[amDre]: fuck you

[SappitusNappitus]: no <3

[123***0005]: helo!

[123***0005]: im tubbo!

[amDre]: omg at least someone here has the decency to introduce themselves-

[123***0005]: brb thers a bee

[amDre]: im-

[SappitusNappitus]: BAHAHA

[amDre]: I’m kicking you out 

[SappitusNappitus]: NO PLS KM SRRY

[amDre]: :P

[SappitusNappitus]: :(

[amDre]: :)

[123***0005]: updat: bee fly off :(

[123***0005]: also sry about my speeling im dislexic 

[123***0005]: dislexyc

[123***0005]: dyslexyc 

[amDre]: close!

[123***0005]: dyslexic

[123***0005]: I DID IT

[amDre]: good job!

[123***0005]: THERS ANOTHR BEE

[amDre]: youre the only valid one here tubbo 

[SappitusNappitus]: vouch

[SappitusNappitus has changed 123***0005 name to B E E S]

[B E E S]: BEES

[123***0006]: im adopting this kid. 

[SappitusNappitus]: well hello to you too-

[amDre]: too bad I’m adopting him already

[123***0006]: fuck off hes mine now

[amDre]: HEY THERES CHILDREN

[B E E S]: its okey tommy cuses all the time!

[123***0006]: well in that case…

[amDre]: dont even think about it you bastard

[123***0003]: ladies, ladies, please-

[123***0003]: you’re both ugly!

[SappitusNappitus]: I like you already

[123***0003]: I get that a lot ;)

[amDre]: dont think this is over 006

[amDre]: now for those of you alive, intros & users now or I will do it for you

[SappitusNappitus]: @everyone hurry save yourselves 

[B E E S]: can I go agan?

[amDre]: of course you wonderful child

[B E E S]: okey! 

[B E E S]: im tubbo! im 17 n I have an obsesion with bees n nukes

[B E E S]: o n I hav dyslexcia so srry about my speling 

[amDre]: never apologize you beautiful human being you’re my favorite & ive only know you for 10 minutes

[B E E S]: :D 

[amDre]: <3

[amDre]: 006?

[123***0006]: fine whatever

[123***006]: jay schlatt but you can call me schlatt or you can not talk to me at all. That’s fine too. and everything is my business. I’m a businessman

[B E E S]: thats very cooll mr schlat!

[123***0006]: I would literally die for you

[B E E S]: pls dont

[amDre has changed 123***0006 name to Itismybusiness]

[amDre]: fitting

[Itismybusiness]: I hate you

[amDre]: feelings mutual bastard

[SappitusNappitus]: @Itismybusiness can we call you bastard

[Itismybusiness]: as long as I get to call you a bitch :)

[amDre]: wait thats my brand

[123***0003] I’m gonna have to step in again before I lose a chance to introduce myself-

[123***0003]: I’m Quackity. 20, law student, & i will literally never leave the house without a beanie. 

[Itismybusiness]: i dislike you very much 

[123***0003]: already? that’s not poggers man smh

[SappitusNappitus has changed 123***0003 name to NotPoggers]

[SappitusNappitus]: I have a boyfriend and hes up for a threesome wanna join hot man

[amDre]: SAPNAP WTF YOU DONT JUST ASK PEOPLE THAT

[NotPoggers]: yes

[SappitusNappitus]: HAH SUCK IT DREAM

[amDre]: I hate you sm

[SappitusNappitus]: ilyt green teletubbie <3

[SappitusNappits]: okay we got 5 of 8. 0004? 0007? 0008?

[123***0008]: I’m here! I’m just waiting for a chance to introduce myself, sorry! ^-^;

[amDre]: well nows the time, go-

[123***0008]: ;-;

[123***0008]: Well, I’m BadBoyHalo or just Bad! I’m 23, My favorite food is muffins, & I’m not a fan of cursing ヾ(╹◡╹๑)ﾉ"

[Itismybusiness]: well, fuck, can do much bout that, sorry bitch!

[123***0008]: LANGUAGE!!!

[Itismybusiness changed 123***0008 name to LANGUAGE]

[amDre]: you know, you might not be half bad-

[Itismybusiness]: tubbo likes me better 

[amDre]: I take it back.

[B E E S]: actualy i like my famly the mostt!

[LANGUAGE]: Oh my goodness I would die for this kid & I’ve only known him for 20 minutes.

[B E E S]: ive ben told i have that efect on peeple

[NotPoggers]: we still have 2 unintroduced people-

[amDre]: @123***0004 @123***0007

[amDre]: @123***0004 @123***0007

[amDre]: @123***0004 @123***0007

[amDre]: @123***0004 @123***0007

[123***0007]: jesus christ what the fuck do you want

[LANGUAGE]: Hey, language!

[123***0007]: I could rip your arms off

[LANGUAGE]: I’m a professional knife thrower, I have a gun license, and a gun that I keep at my desk at all times. I’d like to see you try.

[amDre]: …

[SappitusNappitus]: … 

[NotPoggers]: … 

[Itismybusiness] … 

[B E E S]: do u hav nukes

[Itismybusiness]: I’m adopting you right now

[B E E S]: nty i lik my famly 

[LANGUAGE]: This child will cause me a cuteness overload.

[B E E S]: ur the oldes here

[LANGUAGE]: I-

[123***0007]: damn you’re feisty today tubbo

[B E E S]: o hey techno!

[123***0007]: I hate you so much you blew my cover

[B E E S]: u dont hate me!

[123***0007]: …

[123***0007]: I don’t-

[amDre]: oi we’re here too-

[123***0007]: stfu green teletubbie

[Itismybusiness]: oh I like you-

[amDre]: I hate it here

[B E E S]: u startd this chat-

[SappitusNappitus]: oh my god he’s getting teamed up on- go neighbors!

[B E E S]: shush

[Itismybusiness]: stfu

[NotPoggers]: ☆silence☆

[amDre]: shut up

[123***0007]: die

[SappitusNappitus has left the group]

[amDre has added SappitusNappitus to the group]

[SappitusNappitus]: I hate you all

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

6:28 PM

[SappitusNappitus]: I hate you all

[amDre]: ilyt snapmap <3

[amDre]: Anyways, 0007, intro- 

[amDre]: but I think I know who you are already & I hate you :)

[123***0007]: feelings mutual 

[123***0007]: I’m Technoblade. 21. I’m the god of my college. I reign supreme. I’m the absolute best. I have much clout.

[123***0007]: also tubbo is kind of my friend. I have no idea what to call what we have-

[B E E S]: blood god my belovd

[123***0007]: Tubbo please 

[NotPoggers has changed 123***0007 name to BloodGod]

[BloodGod]: …

[BloodGod]: yes

[amDre]: I hate you with a burning passion techno and i hate that i have your number

[amDre]: welcome to the group chat :)

[LANGUAGE]: @B E E S Is there something going on between them or?

[B E E S]: alpha rivlry 

[LANGUAGE]: ah.

[NotPoggers]: can we call you techno?

[BloodGod]: absolutely not

[NotPoggers]: okay techno!

[BloodGod]: .

8:32 PM

[123***0004]: oh for the love of Prime 

[123***0004]: why am I in another group chat-

[SappitusNappitus]: nice of you to join us 0004!

[123***0004]: I will rip out your windpipe

[SappitusNappitus]: …

[amDre]: please do-

[NotPoggers]: I will start working on your grave my love 

[BloodGod] rip lmao

[SappitusNappitus]: going dark dhmu 

[amDre] 0004 intro so I can thank you properly

[123***0004]: I still don’t know why I’m here-

[NotPoggers]: we’re number neighbors or some shit

[123***0004]: isn’t that from like 2010?

[Itismybusiness]: my thoughts exactly

[amDre]: Im bringing it back

[amDre]: now intro

[123***0004]: .-.

[123***0004]: okay-

[123***0004]: uh

[123***0004]: hi im Puffy

[123***0004]: I’m 22 & I have a lot of pets :)

[123***0004]: also I have a psychology degree

[B E E S]: tommy needs therpay 

[B E E S]: wil too

[amDre changed 123***0004 name to EnslavedTherapist]

[amDre]: you can no longer escape this chat puffy.

[EnslavedTherapist has left the group]

[B E E S has added EnslavedTherapist to the group]

[EnslavedTherapist]: why

[B E E S]: tommy needs therpay

[EnslavedTherapist]: im staying only for you-

9:48 PM

[NotPoggers]: important question

[BloodGod]: no

[Itismybusiness]: no

[SappitusNappitus]: go ahead

[NotPoggers]: any lgbtq+phobic, ableist’s, or anti-hybrids in here

[B E E S]: im a he/they also haf bee!

[EnslavedTherapist]: very very very valid bee boy. Never change.

[B E E S]: :D

[SappitusNappitus]: I literally have a timeling boyfriend who’s colorblind & has long term memory loss and I’m a like half blaze or smth-

[amDre]: gay gay & further more gay

[amDre]: also I have ADHD

[amDre]: and according to some scientist I’m half dreamon?? Idek what that is-

[EnslavedTherapist]: *laughs in bisexual sheep hybrid with a girlfriend & colorblind*

[Itismybusiness]: money is all that matters

[BloodGod]: I hate everyone equally

[B E E S]: :(

[BloodGod]: I hate you the least

[B E E S]: :)

[SappitusNappitus]: @LANGUAGE ?

[LANGUAGE]: Sorry my muffins were burning-

[LANGUAGE]: But nope! I’m pansexual and a Nether Demon! Everyone is valid!

[NotPoggers]: good :)

[NotPoggers]: because if you were I wouldnt hesitate to murder you :)

7:59 AM

[EnslavedTherapist]: Good morning neighbors!

[SappitusNappitus]: its 8am why tf are you up

[BloodGod]: sleep is for the weak

[Itismybusiness]: understood, have a nice day

[NotPoggers]: you scare me

[Itismybusiness]: good

3:12 PM

[LANGUAGE]: Good afternoon neighbors! /^-^/

[B E E S]: gud mornin

[SappitusNappitus]: prime your sleep schedule is almost as bad as georges-

[B E E S]: whos that

[BloodGod]: a guy in our college with maximum pretty privileges who has dream wrapped around their finger

[amDre]: I AM NOT WRAPPED AROUND HIS FINGER I JUST THINK HES CUTE OKAY

[SappitusNappitus]: simp

[amDre]: shut up you touch starved man-child 

[NotPoggers]: hes popping off your honor!

[LANGUAGE]: Question!

[amDre]: yuh?

[LANGUAGE]: Can I add someone? He’s an old friend!

[BloodGod]: no

[Itismybusiness]: no

[amDre]: go ahead!

[LANGUAGE]: <3

[LANGUAGE has added 123***0009 to the chat]

[123***0009 has changed their name to IMSKEPPIN]

[IMSKEPPIN]: WASSUP BITCHES, BROS, AND NON-BINARY HOES

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy, language!!

[LANGUAGE]: And how did you type that without any typos??

[IMSKEPPIN]: ots cqlrd cuopypqsta abd

[BloodGod]: my brain hurts just looking at that-

[LANGUAGE]: I guess I’m a translator again-

[LANGUAGE]: He said “it’s called copy-paste Bad”.

[B E E S]: i can reed it fine so i can help transolate 

[LANGUAGE]: You are the only person I love Tubbo.

[IMSKEPPIN]: :(

[LANGUAGE]: Wait, no! Skeppy, I’m sorry, I love you too!

[NotPoggers]: Simp

[amDre]: SIMP

[SappitusNappitus]: simp 

[BloodGod] simp

[B E E S]: simp 

[Itismybusiness]: simp

[EnslavedTherapist]: oh prime the couples therapy is going to make a comeback

DIRECT MESSAGES

3:36 PM

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy, I really am sorry. Please don’t be mad :(

[IMSKEPPIN]: its ok I dont care

[LANGUAGE]: No it’s not. You just typed a sentence without any typos.

[LANGUAGE]: what can I do to make it up to you?

[IMSKEPPIN]: meet up with me

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy, you know i'm not ready for that >_<

[IMSKEPPIN]: :(

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

3:54 PM

[NotPoggers]: Bad & that skeppy guy have been gone for a bit-

[amDre]: prolly making out in dms lol

[SappitusNappitus] @NotPoggers wanna make out in dms 👀

[NotPoggers]: yes 😏 

[Itismybusiness]: what

[BloodGod]: I hate it here

[B E E S]: Bad jus dm me

[B E E S]: hes tryng to appologise to skepy

[EnslavedTherapist]: it is now my time to shine ☆

[BloodGod]: good luck

DIRECT MESSAGES 

3:58 PM

[SappitusNappitus]: wanna meet my bf

[NotPoggers]: of course I wanna meet my future partner smh

[SappitusNappitus] <3

[NotPoggers]: <3

DIRECT MESSAGES

4:10 PM

[EnslavedTherapist]: bad

[EnslavedTherapist]: bad

[EnslavedTherapist]: bad

[EnslavedTherapist]: bad

[LANGUAGE]: Oh my goodness, calm down im here-

[LANGUAGE]: Do you need something, Puffy?

[EnslavedTherapist]: im here for couples therapy, get skeppy in a gc with me & you

[LANGUAGE]: I- What?

[EnslavedTherapist]: Now

[LANGUAGE]: But we’re not a-

[EnslavedTherapist]: n o w

[LANGUAGE]: o-o

[LANGUAGE]: Yes ma’am-

4:16 PM

[LANGUAGE has created Couples (?) Therapy]

[LANGUAGE has added EnslavedTherapist & IMSKEPPIN to the chat]

[IMSKEPPIN]: wat tghiss dfore

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: Couples (?) Therapy 

4:21 PM

[IMSKEPPIN]: wat tghiss dfore

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy, could you please try to spell for a few minutes?

[IMSKEPPIN]: fine

[IMSKEPPIN]: wats dis 4

[LANGUAGE]: .-.

[LANGUAGE]: It’s better than before, I guess.

[EnslavedTherapist]: im here to give couples therapy

[IMSKEPPIN]: couples wat

[EnslavedTherapist]: therapy

[IMSKEPPIN]: bad n i r not dating

[LANGUAGE]: That's what I tried to tell her Skeppy-

[EnslavedTherapist]: wait what

[LANGUAGE]: That's what I was trying to tell you, Puffy!

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy’s just my best friend!

DIRECT MESSAGES

4:23 PM

[IMSKEPPIN]: ouch

[F1NNXR0SE]: oh for fucks sake

[F1NNXR0SE]: I’m gonna start stabbing shit

[F1NNXR0SE]: what happened this time-

[IMSKEPPIN]: [image sent]

[IMSKEPPIN]: jhe tiinks uim jyus a fruiend

[F1NNXR0SE]: nice to see you spellings still shit

[IMSKEPPIN]: stfu egorl

[F1NNXR0SE]: at least I look hot as one ;)

[IMSKEPPIN]: ur noi herlp

[F1NNXR0SE]: did you really think I would be any help?

[IMSKEPPIN]: .

DIRECT MESSAGES

4:31 PM

[IMSKEPPIN]: hjerlp

[BeaverBoy]: I am this close to committing a murder.

[IMSKEPPIN]: idc 

[IMSKEPPIN]: hgewlp mje

[BeaverBoy]: Why am I always the first person you come to?

[BeaverBoy]: Go bother Zelk or Vurb or something-

[IMSKEPPIN]: o wermnt tro fgimnn 1qsrt

[BeaverBoy]: I have found the target of my murder.

[BeaverBoy]: & I’m seriously considering going through with it.

[IMSKEPPIN]: hjelrp

[IMSKEPPIN]: pkls 

[BeaverBoy]: Oh my gods he said please-

[BeaverBoy]: The worlds ending.

[IMSKEPPIN]: fduick ui

[BeaverBoy]: I’m fine being a virgin :)

[IMSKEPPIN]: i hgatss yu snmj

[BeaverBoy]: The feeling’s mutual, don’t worry!

[BeaverBoy]: In all seriousness though, is everything all right?

[IMSKEPPIN]: no

[IMSKEPPIN]: bads upseyt wirth me

[BeaverBoy]: Your spelling capabilities just went w a y up.

[BeaverBoy]: I wonder if it’s because we’re talking about Bad?

[IMSKEPPIN]: stfu

[BeaverBoy]: Do you want my help or not?

[IMSKEPPIN]: …

[IMSKEPING]: yes

[BeaverBoy]: What's the magic word~

[IMSKEPPIN]: helrgp nme yu srtupioud boitcjh

[BeaverBoy]: I’m blocking you

[IMSKEPPIN]: gopd

[The user BeaverBoy is not reachable. This user may have blocked you or changed their number. Please contact customer support if you think this is a mistake.]

[IMSKEPPIN]: fiuvck yuio

[The user BeaverBoy is not reachable. This user may have blocked you or changed their number. Please contact customer support if you think this is a mistake.]

GROUPCHAT: Couples (?) Therapy

4:23 PM

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy’s just my best friend!

[EnslavedTherapist]: oh

[EnslavedTherapist]: o h 

[EnslavedTherapist]: this is gonna be harder than I thought-

[LANGUAGE]: ??

[EmslavedTherapist]: okay so

[EnslavedTherapist]: @IMSKEPPIN explain why youre mad to Bad, @LANGUAGE apologize & try not to do it again

[IMSKEPPIN]: no

[EnslavedTherapist]: skeppy I will literally punch you

[IMSKEPPIN]: ok

[IMSKEPPIN]: im not rlly that mad

[IMSKEPPIN]: just upset

[EnslavedTherapist]: why are you upset?

[IMSKEPPIN]: he womt meet up with me

[EnslavedTherapist]: okay so why wont you meet up with Skeppy, Bad?

[LANGUAGE]: I’m just not ready honestly.

[LANGUAGE]: We haven't seen each other since highschool & a lot has changed since then.

[EnslavedTherapist]: so youre worried he wont want to be your friend anymore?

[LANGUAGE]: Yeah, I guess.

[EnslavedTherapist]: @IMSKEPPIN 

[IMSKEPPIN]: hold on

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

4:34 PM

[SappitusNappitus]: @EnslavedTherapist update?

[EnslavedTherapist]: Skeppy wants to meet up with Bad but Bad doenst want to because they havent seen each other irl since highschool & hes worried Skeppy will hate him

[amDre]: okay wow-

[amDre]: thats kind of sad-

[SappitusNappitus]: says the one who refuses to show george his face

[EnslavedTherapist]: is there another couple in need of therapy?

[SappitusNappitus]: yes

[B E E S]: I think bad shud get skepy flowrs

[B E E S]: tommy always loves it wen i get him flowrs

[EnslavedTherapist]: thats really sweet tubbo but I dont think thatll work this time. they just need to talk it out

[BloodGod]: Something no one in my family can do 

[B E E S]: isnt wilby a muzishun

[BloodGod]: Musician*

[B E E S]: musican

[BloodGod]: Close enough

[BloodGod]: But yeah he is

[BloodGod]: You would think someone who writes songs for a living would be able to talk shit out better

[Itismybusiness]: mood

GROUPCHAT: Couples (?) Therapy

4:45 PM

[IMSKEPPIN]: ok 

[IMSKEPPIN]: Bad I wouldng hate u no matter how much u changed. Ur my best friend & noyhing can change that. If u domt want to meeet up thats fine I just miss u a loy thats all

[EnslavedTherapist]: damn

[EnslavedTherapist] that was deep-

[LANGUAGE]: Thank you, Skeppy!

[LANGUAGE]: That means a lot to me :)

[IMSKEPPIN]: so can we meet up

[LANGUAGE]: Not yet.

[IMSKEPPIN]: :(

[LANGUAGE]: But soon, I promise!

[IMSKEPPIN]: :)

[EnslavedTherapist]: my paypal is cptpuffy

[EnslavedTherapist]: I expect $25 dollars by tomorrow

[IMSKEPPIN]: I-

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

4:59 PM

[EnslavedTherapist]: ALL IS GOOD-

[EnslavedTherapist]: THE GREAT THERAPIST CAPTAIN PUFFY HAS EMERGED VICTOR AGAIN

[B E E S]: @LANGUAGE @IMSKEPPIN r u guys frends agan?

[LANGUAGE]: Yep! Puffy helped out a lot!

[EnslavedTherapist]: ofc I did. I didnt stay in college for 5 years for nothing

[SappitusNappitus]: all hail the gc therapist

[BloodGod]: im clapping

[NotPoggers]: *insert loud applause*

[amDre]: not the roleplay asteriks-

[Itismybusiness]: how much did you make off of em

[EnslavedTherapist]: nothing! friends help friends!

[Itismybusiness]: bad business smh

5:05 PM

[EnslavedTherapist]: [image sent]

[EnslavedTherapist]: HE ACTUALLY SENT ME THE MONEY WTF

[LANGUAGE]: Thanks again, Puffy!

[amDre]: wait what

[EnslavedTherapist]: I GAVE BAD MY PAYPAL AND TOLD HIM TO PAY ME $25 AS A JOKE BUT HE ACTUALLY DID IT

[Itismybusiness]: no longer bad business

[IMSKEPPIN]: thasdt muay beisut firwand???

[LANGUAGE]: ^ “That’s my best friend!!!”

[LANGUAGE]: Thank you, Skeppy!

[NotPoggers]: how does he mix a question mark with an exclamation mark

[IMSKEPPIN]: shuyt up buitch

[B E E S]: ^ “shut up bitch”

[LANGUAGE]: Thank you, Tubbo!

[LANGUAGE]: also language, Skeppy! >:(

[NotPoggers]: WAIT THAT WAS ACTUALLY UNDERSTANDABLE

[IMSKEPPIN]: i hgatre uy

[BloodGod]: we all hate him Skeppy

[BloodGod]: youre not special

[Itismybusiness]: we should start a “I hate Quackity” Club.

[NotPoggers]: this is discrimination

[NotPoggers]: @B E E S @SappitusNappitus @LANGUAGE @amDre @EnslavedTherapist you guys don’t hate me right?

[B E E S]: hmm

[LANGUAGE]: I mean…

[amDre]: no

[NotPoggers]: I hate it here so much

[SappitusNappitus]: don’t worry I still love you, future fiancé :)

[NotPoggers]: I no longer hate it here

[SapppitusNappitus]: sometimes ;)

[NotPoggers]: I take it back get me out

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

5:15 PM

[SappitusNappitus]: @amDre 

[amDre]: what

[SappitusNappitus]: im adding george and karl :)

[amDre]: dont you fucking dare

[SappitusNappitus]: this is homophobia

6:48 PM

[SappitusNappitus has added 123***0010 and 123***0011 to the chat]

[BloodGod]: damn

[BloodGod]: he actually did it. 

[BloodGod]: is this considered rebelling against a higher power?

[NotPoggers]: what

[amDre]: sapnap

[B E E S]: ur ded hehe

[BloodGod]: can I help with the murder

[123***0010]: Dre pls dont kill my boyfriend

[NotPoggers]: :o

[NotPoggers]: can it be…?

[NotPoggers]: @SappitusNappitus has my future fiancé entered the chat 👀

[123***0010 has changed their name to TimeTravelsCutely]

[SappitusNappitus]: indeed he has

[SappitusNappitus]: @everyone I introduce the crackheaded love of my life, Karl Jacobs

[TimeTravelsCutely]: wait 

[TimeTravelsCutely]: what 

[TimeTravelsCutely]: im not a crackhead

[TimeTravelsCutely]: meanie :(

[SappitusNappitus]: its an endearing term you loveable idiot <3

[TimeTravelsCutely]: oh

[TimeTravelsCutely]: okay <3

[LANGUAGE]: See, Skeppy!

[LANGUAGE]: I’m not being mean when I call you a crackhead!

[IMSKEPPIN]: i-

[EnslavedTherapist]: hey Karl!

[TimeTravelsCutely]: heyo!

[EnslavedTherapist]: welcome to a groupchat full of crackheads 

[B E E S]: vouch

[B E E S]: u wil be rite at home here

[NotPoggers]: all crackheads are welcome ;)

[amDre]: I hate you all

[amDre]: especially you sapnap

[amDre]: I’m giving you 30 seconds to run

[SappitusNappitus]: no :)

[NotPoggers]: Guys he just solved getting hunted by crazy friends!

[Itismybusiness]: getting hunted by crazy friends? Just say no!

[SappitusNappitus]: I know, im so smartijasojsangfiugdoja

[LANGUAGE]: What?

[LANGUAGE]: Are you okay, Sapnap?

[TimeTravelsCutely]: @amDre if you put a single finger on my boyfriend I will murder your ancestors 

[NotPoggers]: awooga

[NotPoggers]: im in love 😻 

[SappitusNappitus]: I’m breaking up with you Karl, Quackity youre weird af, and fuck all of you :)

[LANGUAGE]: Hey! Language, Sapnap!

[TimeTravelsCutely]: Thats not Sapnap

[BloodGod]: I think dre stole the idiots phone.

[NotPoggers]: I’m crying

[amDre]: please don’t cry quackity-

[amDre]: this is sapnap by the way

[amDre]: i knocked out dream

[TimeTravelsCutely]: …

[TimeTravelsCutely]: my boyfriend, everyone!

[NotPoggers]: *insert loud clapping*

[amDre]: *bows*

[Itismybusiness]: I will shoot both of you if you use role play asterisks one more time

[amDre]: *cries*

[NotPoggers]: *sobs*

[TimeTravelsCutely]: *tears stream down face as he sobs loudly*

[Itismybusiness]: @BloodGod will you be joining me on this murder outing?

[BloodGod]: Yes I will be, thank you for asking

[BloodGod]: lemme just get my axe

[amDre]: Karl

[TimeTravelsCutely]: omw bf

[NotPoggers]: I’m coming too :]

[amDre]: future fiancés meet-up pog

[TimeTravelsCutely]: [address sent]

[Itismybusiness]: [address sent]

[LANGUAGE]: I’m terrified right now.

[EnslavedTherapist]: you and me both Bad

[IMSKEPPIN]: bnloosd 4r tyhe bliopd goid

[B E E S]: ^ “Blood for the Blood God”

[B E E S]: @BloodGod new cachfrase?

[BloodGod]: cant talk, hunting 

[EnslavedTherapist]: & the chaos begins once again… 

[EnslavedTherapist]: dear readers, welcome to the Blood God & the Business Man vs. The Future Fiancé’s.

[LANGUAGE]: Readers?

[EnslavedTherapist]: oh no

[EnslavedTherapist]: I broke the fourth wall again.

[EnslavedTherapist]: whoops!

——

Sapnap pocketed his & Dream’s phone as he heard two sets of footsteps coming his way, ready to run if the approaching people happened to be Techno and Schlatt.

“Sappy!” 

“Hey, Karlos, wait up!”

He turned around at the sound of familiar voices to see Karl running towards him, a winged black-haired man in a beanie, who he assumed was Quackity, close behind.

“Karl!” Sapnap yelled back, opening his arms as his colorfully-dressed (and slightly stretchy) boyfriend barreled into him, wrapping his arms around his waist in a hug.

He looked over Karl’s shoulder at the other man who was staring back at him with metaphorical sparkles in his eyes.

“Quackity?” Sapnap asked, not wanting to mistake him for someone else.

“The one and only!” He grinned, cocking his head to the side as his wings flared out.

“Sapnap, where in the world did you find Quackity? He’s so cool!” Karl demanded, eyes bright as he tried to wiggle out of his boyfriend's grasp.

Quackity blushed, looking away as he wrung his hands and re-folded his wings.

“I’m really not that cool, Karl,” He protested.

“Oh, please, anyone who can wear a beanie twenty four-seven and look that honking good in it is cool,” Karl said as he finally got out of Sapnaps bear-hug.

Quackity looked ready to make another point when he heard people yelling not too far away.

“Karl, as much as I would love to argue about how not cool I am, I’m pretty sure we should be running right now,” He warned as the yelling started getting closer.

——

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

7:22 PM

[BloodGod]: I found my axe and I’m at the address.

[BloodGod]: Where are you @Itismybusiness

[Itismybusiness]: follow the yelling

[EnslavedTherapist]: I feel like we should be picking sides but I’m terrified to do anything right now-

[B E E S]: this isnt the 1st time teknos hunted somone 

[LANGUAGE]: Should we be worried?

[B E E S ]: no

[B E E S]: mayby 

[B E E S]: idk 

[EnslavedTherapist]: that’s not reassuring at all Tubbo

[BloodGod]: be worried

[BloodGod]: be very very worried

[B E E S]: techno runing throufg the streets of mojang w a netheritw axe whatll he do?

——

“I did not expect you to actually bring an axe.”

“I don’t lie about weapons.”

Techno swung the glimmering weapon over his other shoulder as he continued running after the three fleeing figures in the distance. A dark brown-haired male with giant ram horns he figured was Schlatt was running right next to him, looking way too formal for someone who was in a real life man-hunt.

“Well, I suppose it’ll be useful,” Schlatt said as he ran down the park stairs, “Are you actually going to use it or…?”

“Depends,” Techno simply shrugged, long, braided hair whipping around in the wind, “If they annoy me enough, definitely.”

“I’m glad you’re on my side. I wouldn’t want to be fighting against you in a war,” Schlatt shuddered, continuing his running, “I’m starting to feel bad for those three idiots.” 

He paused, a look suspiciously similar to fear overshadowing his face.

“You are on my side, right?”

“Eh.”

“That is not reassuring at all…”

——

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

7:59

[Itismybusiness]: im starting to think techno is not on my side…

[EnslavedTherapist]: this is a new cause for concern

[B E E S]: whos side s he own

[BloodGod]: I’m on the side of violence

[EnslavedTherapist]: i didn’t think I could be any more worried

[EnslavedTherapist]: I was proven wrong

Chapter Text

There was a lot of noise. Specifically, a lot of yelling. Quackity probably would’ve felt bad for the poor families who had to listen to their ruckus in the middle of the night if he could focus on anything other than the two menacing figures chasing after them. Strangely, the first thing that came to mind in the middle of his frantic running was The Hunger Games. He remembered watching the movies and wondering why the Tributes would always panic when getting chased. Now he understands their fear. Especially when one of the people chasing him has a fucking axe . Why on earth did Techno have an axe? Did he just carry it around? Or did the murderous tool just sit on his kitchen counter, ready to be used at a moment's notice? Either way, whatever fear Quackity felt towards Techno before had enhanced tenfold.

“Oh, that’s nice. I still have my dagger in my pocket.”

Scratch that. The fear Quackity now felt towards Technoblade was unmatched by any other.

“WHY ARE YOU STILL CHASING US, SCHLATT?”

“BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN.”

“This is what you get for role playing in a groupchat.”

“ITS A FUCKING GROUPCHAT, LEAVE US ALONE!”

——

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

8:34 PM

[NotPoggers]: @EnslavedTherapist @IMSKEPPIN @LANGUAGE @B E E S

[EnslavedTherapist]: what

[IMSKEPPIN]: wut

[LANGUAGE]: Yes?

[B E E S]: huh

[NotPoggers]: help

[NotPoggers]: please

[NotPoggers]: help us

[EnslavedTherapist]: schlatt and techno are still chasing you???

[SappitusNappitus]: THEY WONT SOMTP CHASING HS OKEASEBELP FEVHNO BAS ANAZEA DJ FIKE JM GLI HYK DJE SA EH

[EnslavedTherapist]: the understandability of that message just got progressively worse and worse-

[SappitusNappitus]: HELRP

[TimeTravelsCutely]: Sap looks like hes about to pass out

[TimeTravelsCutely]: please help

[123***0011]: what in the name of sweet queen elizabeth did i wake up to-

[SappitusNappitus]: IENOAHS 

[SappitusNappitus]: FUCJ YPU CEIRGE

[B E E S]: so this is the infamus georeg

[BloodGod]: who the hell is “georeg”

[EnslavedTherapist]: DONT MAKE FUN OF THE CHILD YOU GREEK GOD RIP OFF

[LANGUAGE]: You have upset the beast. Run.

[BloodGod]: im good thanks

[BloodGod changed 123***0011 name to georeg]

[IMSKEPPIN]: hfow casn y tesxyt adn riunn ast trhe samne timen

[B E E S]: ^ “how can u text and run at the same time”

[BloodGod]: how is your spelling that bad?

[IMSKEPPIN]: fauru wnoiugh

[LANGUAGE]: ^ “Fair enough.”

[EnslavedTherapist]: i love how they take turns translating 

[B E E S]: i dont get paiid enoug for this shit

[EnslavedTherapist]: i 100% agree bee boy i do not get paid enough to give therapy to all of you

[B E E S]: and tomy

[EnslavedTherapist]: .

[EnslavedTherapist]: and tommy

[LANGUAGE]: Back to the topic at hand, what are we gonna do about this whole real-life manhunt going on?

[EnslavedTherapist]: im more worried about dream

[BloodGod]: sapnap has his phone. I bet he’s fine

[LANGUAGE]: Sapnap, please return Dreams phone!

[TimeTravelsCutely]: incase you forgot we’re currently running for our lives

[LANGUAGE]: Techno, please stop chasing Karl, Sapnap, and Quackity!

[Itismybusiness]: he threw his phone into the lake

[EnslavedTherapist]: why the fuck 

[LANGUAGE]: Language, Puffy!

[Georeg]: is anyone going to explain what the hell is going on?

[SappitusNappitus]: maheb ykh shoudlbt skeeo all the fuckibg tome

[B E E S]: ^ “maybe u shouldnt sleep all the fucking time”

[Georeg]: it’s called reverse insomnia sappynappy

[SappitusNappitus]: its callekd setiitng a dsamn alrnm

[IMSKEPPIN]: rake ut 2 dns yu2

[LANGUAGE]: ^ “Take it to dm’s you two.”

[LANGUAGE]: That’s rude, Skeppy!

[EnslavedTherapist]: no hes right they argue like an old married couple

[Georeg]: im begging someone to explain what’s going on 

[B E E S]: karl q n sap r bejng chased by techno n schlat

[Georeg]: im afraid to ask why

[EnslavedTherapist]: roleplay asterisk 

[NotPoggers]: herlp

[TimeTravelsCutely]: he fell into afore mentioned lake

[EnslavedTherapist]: he did what

[B E E S]: L

[IMSKEPPIN]: L

[Itismybusiness]: L x2

[LANGUAGE]: Why are you guys so rude?

[Itismybusiness]: it’s funny

[Georeg]: im going back to sleep wake me up when Dream comes back

[SappitusNappitus]: sirml

[B E E S]: ^ “simp”

[EnslavedTherapist]: everyone in agreement say ‘aye’

[TimeTravelsCutely]: aye

[Itismybusiness]: aye x2

[SappitusNappitus]: atr

[LANGUAGE]: ^ “aye”

[LANGUAGE]: I don’t completely disagree…

[B E E S]: aye

[IMSKEPPIN]: ayye

[NotPoggers]: plsn hrkp

[EnslavedTherapist]: @Georeg you have been dubbed a simp

[Georeg]: good night

[TimeTravelsCutely]: fr tho q is freezing rn

[TimeTravelsCutely]: please send help

[BloodGod]: I will hunt you to the ends of the earth

[EnslavedTherapist]: i though you threw your phone into a lake

[BloodGod]: Quackity got it for me

[LANGUAGE]: How does it still work?

[BloodGod]: I have the power of god and manslaughter on my side

[B E E S]: tech im teling phil if u dont stop chasing them

[BloodGod]: you wouldn’t dare

[B E E S]: i would

DIRECT MESSAGES

9:15 PM

[Beeboy]: phil

[Beeboy]: phil

[Beeboy]: phil

[Beeboy]: philza

[Beeboy]: philza

[Beeboy]: philza

[Beeboy]: philza minecraft

[Beeboy]: philza minecraft

[Beeboy]: philza minecraft

[CrowFather]: Jesus

[CrowFather]: What do you want, Tubbo?

[Beeboy]: technos chasing peope agan

[CrowFather]: I’m putting all of them up for adoption and adopting you and Ranboo instead.

[Beeboy]: cool

[Beeboy]: now pls stop techno

[Beeboy]: he has a axe

[CrowFather]: What the actual fuck.

DIRECT MESSAGES

9:21 PM

[CrowFather]: Dane Technoblade Watson Soot Minecraft.

[CrowFather]: What have I said about chasing people?

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

9:26 PM

[BloodGod]: Toby Tubbo Underscore Smith

[IMSKEPPIN]: ooo ur in trobulee

[B E E S]: yes techno?

[B E E S]: havei done smth to upset u?

[BloodGod]: you

[BloodGod]: are

[BloodGod]: dead

[TimeTravelsCutely]: does this mean you’ll stop chasing us??

[BloodGod]: you three are safe 

[amDre]: FUCK YEAH

[BloodGod]: for now

[NotPoggers]: COME ON MAN GIVE US A BREAK

[BloodGod]: Tubbos my target now

[LANGUAGE]: Do not touch the child.

[EnslavedTherapist]: whos touching the child?!

[Itismybusiness]: Dont touch the child!

[B E E S]: I would recomend respondig to phil

[TimeTravelsCutely]: the child is scary.

[TimeTravelsCutely]: I respect that.

[NotPoggers]: SCHLATT PLS STOP CHASIGG NG US PLS

[EnslavedTherapist]: the amount of pure chaos that happens in this chat is astronomical-

[NotPoggers]: PLAAEPLEASEPLEASEPLEAE

Chapter Text

DIRECT MESSAGES

9:46 PM

[CrowFather]: Dane Technoblade Watson Soot Minecraft.

[CrowFather]: What have I said about chasing people??

[TheFavorite]: ahaha

[TheFavorite]: heeeeey daaaad

[CrowFather]: Techno.

[TheFavorite]: yes father?

[CrowFather]: Stop chasing people.

[TheFavorite]: but 

[CrowFather]: Stop chasing or no Floof for a week.

[TheFavorite]: FLOOF

[TheFavorite]: DO NOT TAKE AWAY MY FLOOF PRIVLAGES 

[CrowFather]: Then stop chasing the poor people.

[TheFavorite]: fine

[CrowFather]: Good. Now give me back my axe before you break the handle again.

[TheFavorite]: i’m going to murder Tubbo

[CrowFather]: You will do no such thing.

[TheFavorite]: fuck you

——

“SCHLATT, PLEASE, TECHNO ISN’T EVEN HELPING YOU ANYMORE! WHY ARE YOU STILL CHASING US?!”

“SCHLATT, PLEASE!”

“SCHLATT, LEAVE US ALONE!!”

They were still running and Schlatt was still chasing. Techno had stopped running along side Schlatt twenty minutes ago, the piglin hybrid grumbling about floof-something and broken axe handles. It helped to know that they no longer had someone with an axe chasing them, but the ram hybrid was still insanely fast, even in a suit, gaining on them with every step.

“IM NOT GONNA STOP UNTIL I CATCH YOU IDIOTS!”

The paved road they were running on gave way to a rocky nature trail Quackity had been on once or twice.

“SCHLATT!”

Their futile wails continued as they struggled to adjust to their new surroundings. It was much darker, with only Sapnaps unnatural glow to light the way and the path was concerningly uneven and rocky. They probably should’ve hid in the undergrowth instead of continuing to run, but none of them could think straight enough to make a proper plan. They kept running and Schlatt kept chasing them, and they eventually made it into a forest. The ground grew spotty with silver bits of moonlight as the overgrowth grew thicker, eventually blocking out the moonlight entirely.

“SCHLATT WE’RE GONNA GET LOST IN HERE!”

“DOES IT LOOK LIKE I FUCKING CARE?”

——

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

11:43 PM

[EnslavedTherapist]: @NotPoggers @TimeTravelsCutely @SappitusNappitus 

[EnlsavedTherapist]: are you guys still getting chased?

[TimeTravelsCutely]: ye

[TimeTravelsCutely]: we kn a forst noe

[BloodGod]: the bad spelling curse is spreading-

[EnslavedTherapist]: im genuinely concerned at this point.

[LANGUAGE]: Yeah, same. It’s nearly midnight and you guys are running around in a forest.

[TimeTravelsCutely]: schalt womt stip chsing us

[EnslavedTherapist]: @Itismybusiness don’t you think youre taking this a bit too far?

[Itismybusiness]: no

[LANGUAGE]: Cant you at least continue this tomorrow?

[Itismybusiness]: no

[B E E S]: schlat pls stop chasing my freinds

[Itismybusiness]: no

[EnslavedTherapist]: welp-

[EnslavedTherapist]: He said no to Tubbo

[EnslavedTherapist]: we’re outta options now!

[SappitusNappitus]: km litrly cdrying rn

[B E E S]: ^ “im literaly crying rn”

[TimeTravelsCutely]: pain

[TimeTravelsCutely]: I am in

[TimeTravelsCutely] so much pain

[NotPoggers]: our pain knows no bounds

[SappitusNappitus]: no bounds

——

At this point, they were just surviving on pure fear and adrenaline as they hopped over logs, bushes, and mounds of dirt, still trying to escape their unrelenting horned chaser. The forest was dangerous in the dark, so it was only a matter of time before-

“Fu- Honking ow .”

-someone got hurt.

“Are you okay, Karl?”

It was a simple mistake. He turned his head around for a second to check on his boyfriend. He didn’t think there was going to be a log right in front of him, he most certainly couldn’t see a log right in front of him in the darkness, but it was there. As he kept running, head still half turned towards his boyfriend, his foot caught on the log, sending him tumbling face first into the ground with a sickening crack. He yelped as pain shot up his arm.

“Oh my god, Sapnap?” 

“What happened?”

He winced as he tried futily to sit up.

“I have no idea. I looked away for a second and my foot caught on that log.”

He pointed at the accused piece of wood with his good arm.

“Hold on, let me get out my phone light so we can see better.”

Karl pulled out his phone, ignoring the buzzing alerts from the various chats he was in, and turned on its light, shining it on the ground near his boyfriend.

“This doesn’t look too good for you, Sap…”

“What the hell do you mean by that, Q?”

Quackity’s wings drooped as he took in the situation. Sapnaps arm was limp on the ground, bent in an angle that a healthy appendage shouldn’t be able to achieve.

“I think it’s broken-“

“You think it’s what ?!”

——

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

12:16 AM

[TimeTravelsCutely]: so um

[TimeTravelsCutely]: we’re in a bit of a situation-

[EnslavedTherapist]: what the hell is that supposed to mean?

[NotPoggers]: sap broke his arm

[BloodGod]: He broke his what now-

[TimeTravelsCutely]: [censored image sent]

[EnslavedTherapist]: holy fuck

[EnslavedTherapist]: @Itismybusiness you seriously need to stop now. Sap broke his fucking arm because of you.

[Itismybusiness has left the group]

[BloodGod]: fucking coward

[NotPoggers]: I dont think hes chasing us anymore at least

[B E E S]: its past midnite

[B E E S]: y r u guys still awak

[TimeTravelsCutely]: sap broke his arm

[B E E S]: wtf

[B E E S]: im caling phil

[BloodGod]: huh? Why?

[B E E S]: hes a docter tekno

[BloodGod]: I know that but why can’t we just go to the hospital or something?

[B E E S]: they ask to many questons

[EnslavedTherapist]: someone explain who this Phil guy is

[BloodGod]: Phil is my dad

[EnslavedTherapist]: that explains nothing

[BloodGod]: hes probably one of yalls teachers.

[EnslavedTherapist]: wait do you mean professor Watson??

[BloodGod]: Phillip Philza Watson Soot Minecraft

[EnslavedTherapist]: your father 

[EnslavedTherapist]: is the professor Watson

[EnslavedTherapist]: im going to need a second to process this

[TimeTravelsCutely]: k while you process that

[TimeTravelsCutely]: Tubbo or Techno please call Prof Watson, sap looks like he’s gonna pass out

[TimeTravelsCutely]: and I really don’t want to carry around a passed out Sap. 

[TimeTravelsCutely]: either he’s really honking heavy or I’m just really honking weak

[BloodGod]: Probably both

[TimeTravelsCutely]: shut

[TimeTravelsCutely]: Tubbo?

[B E E S]: on it

[TimeTravelsCutely]: an angel. Prime has sent us an angel.

Chapter Text

DIRECT MESSAGES

12:32 AM

[Beeboy]: phil

[Beeboy]: phil

[CrowFather]: What happened now?

[Beeboy]: somone broke ther arm

[CrowFather]: But Techno’s up in Tommy’s room right now?

[Beeboy]: he was chasing w someonen esle

[CrowFather]: Okay, back up a bit and explain this whole thing from the beginning.

[Beeboy]: new gc, new people even newr peopl newest person n old people vs violent people start huntng said people techno stops chasing bc of u other violent person keps chasing one of said chaised trips n breaks arm

[CrowFather]: I am.

[CrowFather]: Not even gonna question what ever the fuck happened.

[CrowFather]: Send me the address.

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

12:46 AM

[B E E S]: karl gime ur locaton

[TimeTravelsCutely]: [address sent]

[B E E S]: mk

[B E E S]: phils otw

[EnslavedTherapist]: okay I think I wrapped my head around this

[EnslavedTherapist]: what can I do to help

[NotPoggers]: I would suggest talking to schlatt

[NotPoggers]: but I dont really think anyone should do that right now

[EnslavedTherapist]: I can come to you guys and see if I can help out?

[TimeTravelsCutely]: yeah sure we're still at the same address I sent tubbo 

[EnslavedTherapist]: omw

[BloodGod]: this gc went from chaos to angst very quickly

[EnslavedTherapist]: the author hates us thats why

[BloodGod]: okay first readers now an author. 

[BloodGod]: miss puffy what in the world are you talking about.

[EnslavedTherapist]: idk honestly it just sounded funny to me-

[BloodGod]: why

——

“Karl? Sapnap? Quackity?”

“Over here!”

The sheep hybrid started speed walking towards the voices, flashlight out and illuminating the forest floor in case a log decided to claim another victim. 

“Prime, how did you guys run this far? We’re nearly a mile into the forest!” Puffy exclaimed, jumping over one last bush before finally reaching the trio.

“Fear does crazy things to men.”

They sighed, pulling their hair back into a ponytail as they crouched down next to Sapnap, who was still laying on the forest floor with a wadded up jacket under his head. 

“Did your arm hurt when you tried to sit up?” She questioned.

“Couldn’t even get that far. I can barely move,” Sapnap groaned, good arm flopping onto his head.

“How far away is Phil?” Quackity asked, wings fluffed up nervously.

“From what Tubbo said in the chat he should be here any minute now,” Puffy replied, flicking an ear.

Right on cue, the brightness of a second flash light broke through the thick undergrowth, except it came from… above?

“Alright, who’s hurt?” The newcomer asked in an exhausted voice as he descended, pitch black wings folding behind him.

“I’m guessing you’re Phil?” Karl questioned, looking at the mans’ wings in awe.

“Yeah, Tubbo sent me here. Apparently someone broke their arm?” 

“That would be me. I tripped on a log and broke my arm. It was anticlimactic and I hate it,” Sapnap grunted weakly at the mention of his arm.

Phil sighed, runninga hand through his blonde hair. Crouching down next to Puffy, he inspected the blaze hybrids twisted arm.

“I wouldn’t worry about anticlimactic-ness if I were you. It looks like you’ve completely fucked up your arm. I’ll have to take you to my office if you want it to heal properly.”

Sapnap cursed under his breath.

“How long will it take to heal?”

“If you’re lucky, you should be fully healed by the end of the week if you drink healing and regen potions daily. If you’re not, then at least two weeks,” Phil replied nonchalantly, as if he hadn’t just told the horned man that he’d be out of commision for at least a week.

“Prime, this is going to ruin so many things…”

Karl sighed, peach skin starting to fade into his normal multicolored skin from the stress.

“Don’t worry, I’ll let H know.”

——

DIRECT MESSAGES

1:53 AM

[Chronos]: Boss

[Chronos]: I know your probably asleep but just thought I’d let you know that Prometheus is gonna be ooc for a bit

[Hatshepsut]: you guys have terrible timing, you know that?

[Chronos]: ma’am, with all due respect, you’re currently up at 2 AM

[Hatshepsut]: so are you.

[Chronos]: they strike again-

[Chronos]: may I ask why you think we have bad timing?

[Hatshepsut]: big mission in a few days, wanted to assign it to your team.

[Chronos]: ah-

[Chronos]: sorry I guess

[Hatshepsut]: it’s fine. Should I cancel tomorrow’s mission?

[Chronos]: nah I think me and Hypnos can handle it

[Hatshepsut]: alright, just make sure to let him know.

[Chronos]: o7

[Hatshepsut]: for the sake of professionalism, I will not use an emoticon, but if I weren’t your boss just know I totally would’ve responded the same.

[Chronos]: lol

[Chronos]: have a good night sir, sleep well!

[Hatshepsut]: for the sake of my family, I’ll try.

[Chronos]: concerning but ok-

——

Sapnap was more than just worried, he was panicking hard .

“Karl, you don’t understand, we have a-”

“Big mi- project coming up, I know. H already said she’ll assign it to another team. She wasn’t upset, Sap, we’re fine,” Karl assured, trying to calm his boyfriend down before he started lighting the forest on fire.

“She- she can’t assign it to a- another team, Karl. We- we have the best skills f- for the pro- project,” Sapnap stuttered, breath coming out in short gasps.

“Sap, Sap, breathe . Having a panic attack isn’t going to help our situation.”

The timeling grabbed his boyfriends hand, squeezing it reassuringly before pressing the palm against his chest.

“Can you feel my breathing?”

Sapnap gave him a small, jerky nod of confirmation, eyes sqeezed shut as he tried to calm himself.

“Yeah? Alright, breathe with me, Sap. In four seconds and out four seconds,” Karl explained before starting to exaggerate his breathing.

 In, two, three, four.

Out, two, three, four

In, two, three, four.

Out, two, three, four

They stayed like that for a few minutes as Sapnap tried to get his breathing under control. He succeeded eventually, breath now coming out in regular intervals rather than the short gasps from before.

“Feeling better?” Karl asked, still holding one of his hands.

He nodded and promptly passed out.

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

2:16 AM

[TimeTravelsCutely]: this is too funny not to share

[BloodGod]: what happened now

[TimeTravelsCutely]: wow so accusing-

[BloodGod]: shut up and tell us what happened.

[TimeTravelsCutely]: wow so demanding- 

[TimeTravelsCutely]: both puffy and q are yelling at me to stop making fun of you sigh

[BloodGod]: did you just type out ‘sigh’?

[TimeTravelsCutely]: you wont lemme use rp asterisk so I just have to type stuff out

[TimeTravelsCutely]: s i g h 

[TimeTravelsCutely]: anyways

[TimeTravelsCutely]: Sap got in a little situation. I helped him out and asked if he was doing better. He nodded then literally p a s s e d  o u t

[BloodGod]: I just spit out my coffee.

[TimeTravelsCutely]: hope it stains your shirt <3

[BloodGod]: it didn’t 

[TimeTravelsCutely]: dammit

[BloodGod]: what was the situation though?

[TimeTravelsCutely]: i shall not say because i respect boundaries pig boy <3

[BloodGod]: please don’t call me that.

[TimeTravelsCutely]: fine

[TimeTravelsCutely]: only because I respect boundaries <3

[BloodGod]: die

[TimeTravelsCutely]: im good thanks

[LANGUAGE]: I’m not even going to question why you guys are still up.

[TimeTravelsCutely]: youre up too Bad-

[LANGUAGE]: Only because I keep getting alerts from this groupchat!

[TimeTravelsCutely]: turn off alerts then boomer

[LANGUAGE]: I’m fine, thanks!

[NotPoggers]: ew 

[NotPoggers]: proper punctuation 

[LANGUAGE]: I’m going to cry.

[TimeTravelsCutely]: good!

——

“Alright, Phil, give me your office coords and I can make a portal.”

Phil nodded, pulling out his communicator to send it to Karl.

“Are we all going by portal?” The winged man asked, carefully gathering a passed out Sapnap in his arms.

“Yeah, it’ll be much faster and easier that way,” Karl replied as he pulled out a glimmering pair of… scissors?

“That makes sense. How long will it take to-”

The blonde was cut off buy a warped vrrrp as the timeling cut a rift into the fabrics of Space with the enchanted scissors he had somehow fused with his hand.

“Right… I forgot timelings can do that.”

Karl shrugged, separating the scissors from his hand and sticking the other into the portal to make sure it worked.

“It’s not a common ability. Come on, a rift can only last so long before the Gameverse starts to repair it.”

Puffy laughed at that because how could a universe be a conscious being, or even something that could repair itself much less?

“Don’t laugh, it’s true,” Karl scolded, voice dead serious.”

That made the sheep hybrid pause.

“That’s- that’s actually kind of scary,” Puffy mumbled, mentally apologizing to the apparently conscious Universe they lived in.

“Don’t worry, as long as you don’t hurt It just for the sake of causing It pain, you should be fine. Us timelings get a pass because we basically worship the Universe!” Karl assured, giggling at the look of fear on the woman’s face.

“That’s unfair,” Puffy protested, eyebrows knitted together in fake anger.

“Try having to sacrifice half of your belongings twice a year to a being you’re basically a descendant of, then talk about unfairness,” Karl deadpanned, sending her a withering gaze.

“Can we just go? I want to set Sapnap’s arm before he wakes up,” Phil groaned, body already half through the portal.

Puffy nodded, walking towards the portal as Phil stepped all the way in.

“Good idea! Come on Q, we’ve got a half dead blaze hybrid to heal!” The timeling cheered, face bright despite the various looks of fear on the faces of the people around him.

“You make setting bones sound appealing.”

“Is it not?”

“You’re starting to scare me more than Techno,” Quackity muttered, shifting away from the brunette.

Karl smiled menacingly.

“Good! Be scared of the one who can trap you between Time, Space, and Reality!”

“Puffy, help me.”

“No can do, you got yourself into this mess, Quackity. Good luck!” Puffy laughed before stepping through the portal into an End themed doctors office.

Decorated with a multitude of different materials that were only obtainable in the End, Dr. Minecraft’s office gave off the same strange sense of security you felt when around the Ender Dragon. Warped wood frames decorated with End Crystal shards were hung around the office, holding various abstract paintings, certificates, and ancient looking photos. Acacia tables and plush dark oak chairs were scattered around the main room, along with a few colorful buckets of children’s toys and magazines. There was a dark blue vending machine in one corner, offering a variety of drinks and snacks, ranging from Peanut M&M’s to Cheeto’s to Sprite to Ice Tea. The carpet was crafted to look similar to an End Portal, a portal block design around the edge and a swirling portal design in the middle. In the center of the room was a very real looking Dragon Egg inside of a glass box that rested on a short quartz podium. A Dragon Head was placed on the box, letting out little plumes of purple smoke and purple fire every few seconds.

“Is- is that a real Dragon Egg?” Quackity asked nervously.

“Sure is! The head too! Brought them both over here myself!” Phil had said proudly, somehow managing to pet the Dragon Head without getting burnt by the plumes.

“Well that’s only mildly terrifying, I suppose,” Puffy grumbled, stepping away from the Egg.

“You get used to it! Now follow me, I can't exactly set the poor kids’ arm in here!”

The small group of hybrids followed Phil down a hall that looked suspiciously like Stronghold halls. In fact, now that Puffy thought about it, the entire office looked like a renovated Stronghold.

“Uh- Phil?” They poked the avian in the shoulder, trying to gain his attention.

“Mm? Yeah mate?” He responded, not taking his eyes off the hallway in front of him.

“Your uh- your office wouldn’t happen to be a Stronghold, would it?” They asked, eyes flitting around nervously.

Phil chuckled, readjusting his hold on Sapnap.

“It is, actually! I’m surprised you figured it out so fast, most people don’t realize until I tell them!”

He turned his head slightly towards Puffy, noticing how jittery the sheep hybrid seemed to be.

“Don’t worry though, it’s all mob-proof and the portal room is sealed off. I would’ve completely taken down the portal if I didn’t need to use it every once in a while.

“You use the portal?!” Puffy yelped, shocked and ever so slightly scared.

“I sure do!”

Chapter Text

“You use the portal?!” Puffy yelped, shocked and ever so slightly scared.

“I sure do! Chorus Fruit is extremely expensive in the Overworld and very rare in the Nether, so I take monthly trips to the End to get it. I'm also pretty good friends with the local Shulkers and Endermen, so I can get an almost infinite amount of Shulker Shells and Enderpearl from there if I need them,” Phil explained as they neared the end of the hall.

“That’s really cool, Mr. Minecraft!” Quackity exclaimed, in awe of the avian's bravery.

“Thanks, Quackity! Ah, here we are, right through this door!” 

They had stopped in front of an intricately carved warped wood door. Pushing open the door, Phil ushered the group in, pointing at the various chairs scattered around the room as places to sit. Surprisingly, a grumpy looking Techno was already seated on one of the chairs, looking up from his phone when he heard the door shut behind them. Most of the party choose to ignore the piglin hybrid, but Quackity still eyed him cautiously.

“This is the biggest sub-room in the entire building. We normally use it for larger hybrids or large groups of hybrids that can’t be separated or would rather be together,” Phil began, setting Sapnap down on one of the comfortable looking adjustable beds, “In this case, since there’s literally no one else here, we can use it so you all don’t run off and get lost in my maze of an office!”

They all chuckled at that, first hand witnesses of how confusing the halls of Dr. Minecraft’s office were.

Phil gestured to the various chairs in the room, silently offering the group a place to sit to which they obliged, though Karl and Quackity opted to sit closer to the cot on which Sapnap was laid on.

“Setting his arm won’t take long but wrapping it and running some other tests will, so you’re welcome to leave at anytime,” Phil said as he pulled up a chair on one side of Sapnaps cot, “you’re free to stay if you want though, I don’t mind!”

None of them moved from their spots, though more than one of the group pulled out something to keep them busy.

——

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

3:11 AM

[B E E S]: @EnslavedTherapist @TimeTravelsCutely @NotPoggers updat pls

[EnslvaedTherapist]: we are currently sat in a room while phil sets sapnaps arm

[BloodGod]: Phil made me go to his office before he left so I’m here too.

[BloodGod]: sapnaps out cold, it’s lowkey hilarious

[NotPoggers]: I will kick you techno

[BloodGod]: I’d like to see you try short bitch

[TimeTravelsCutely]: ladies please its three am

[NotPoggers]: *sings* de ja vuuuuuuuuuu~

[EnslavedTherapist]: techno just looked at Quackity with the most piercing stare

[BloodGod]: if only looks could kill

[EnslavedTherapist]: nO

[B E E S]: u all r in the sam room

[B E E S]: y cant u jus talk irl???

[EnslavedTherapist]: a question asked in every chatfic 

[EnslavedTherapist]: will we ever know the answer?

[EnslavedTherapist]: I think not.

[NotPoggers]: existential crisis much?

[EnslavedTherapist deleted three messages]

[EnslavedTherapist]: you saw nothing <3

[B E E S]: if i hadd the enrgy i woulfve ss tghat 

[NotPoggers]: Tubbo you good kid?

[NotPoggers]: your spelling is more shit than normal

[B E E S]: spain w/o tge s

[EnslavedTherapist]: Tubbo????

[BloodGod]: I bet sapnap feels that on a physical level

[NotPoggers]: I warned you

[B E E S]: ???

[B E E S]: gyus?

[B E E S]: is ben 10 mins

[B E E S]: hellooooooo

[EnslavedTherapist]: sorry about that

[EnslavedTherapist]: SOME idiot

[EnslavedTherapist]: Im looking at Quackity

[EnslavedTherapist]: decided it would be a good idea to kick techno in the shins

[EnslavedTherapist]: so now mr Minecraft has a bloody face to clean

[B E E S]: lol L

[NotPoggers]: the betrayal

[Georeg]: not even gonna question why you guys are still up

[B E E S]: ur srill up

[BloodGod]: Spain without the s Tubbo is ruthless Tubbo

[B E E S]: :>

DIRECT MESSAGES

3:30 AM

[Technochan]: is it your burns?

[Beechan]: ye

[Technochan]: did you apply the ointment Phil gave you?

[Beechan]: kegs won mive

[Technochan]: oh

[Technochan]: prime okay um

[Technochan]: I’ll come over when everything’s done over here and help you out

[Beechan]: no

[Beechan]: rans otw

[Beechan]: u hav a tesg tmrw

[Beechan]: go hom

[Technochan]: are you sure?

[Beechan]: ye

[Beechan]: ran cn herlp me

[Technochan]: if you say so

[Technochan]: let me know if it gets worse

[Beechan]: k

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS

3:30 AM

[TimeTravelsCutely]: wait george

[Georeg]: what

[TimeTravelsCutely]: wrong gc

GROUPCHAT: *disappears into bush* (except it’s the irls)

3:32 AM

[Timetingz]: @Mushsleepshroom

[Mushsleepshroom]: what

[Timetingz]: you and I are doing tomorrows mission alone since sap broke his arm

[Mushsleepshroom]: Prime is it really that bad?

[Timetingz]: wont heal till the end of the week at least

[Mushsleepshroom]: did you let H know?

[Timetingz]: yuh

[Timetingz]; ill let sap know when he wakes up

[Mushsleepshroom]: ???

[Timetingz]: currently at dr minecrafts office so he can heal the arm properly

[Timetingz]: mans passed out on my shoulder

[Timetingz]: wouldve been cute if the reason he passed out wasn’t so depressing 

[Mushsleepshroom]: panic attack?

[Timetingz]: panic attack

[Mushsleepshroom]: I would L him but you’d get mad so I won’t

[Timetingz]: good choice

[Mushsleepshroom]: also I may or may not be genuinely worried about him

[Timetingz]: gogysoft

[Mushsleepshroom]: shut

[Timetingz has changed Mushsleepshroom name to Gogysoft]

[Timetingz]: gogysoft

[Gogysoft]: I made grave errors when choosing my team

[Timetingz]: sapnap chose our teams gogs

[Timetingz]: he wouldve picked me whether you like it or not

[Gogysoft]: shouldnt you be caring for your half dead boyfriend

[Timetingz]: sleep with one eye open george.

[Gogysoft]: I don’t think I’ll be sleeping tonight.

[Timetingz]: a rare occurrence 

[Gogysoft]: shut

[Timetingz]: but another good choice 

[Gogysoft]: seriously though, how is he?

[Timetingz]: his pretty face is a bit bruised

[Timetingz]: but other than that and his arm his ego is the only thing thats been hurt

[Gogysoft]: prime I wanna L him so so bad

[Timetingz]: resist the temptation george

[Timetingz]: you can do it

[Timetingz]: I believe in you!

[Gogysoft]: shut the fuck up and never speak again

[Timetingz]: and what if I said no?

[Gogysoft]: bitch

[Gogysoft]: I hope your pillow is warm on both sides tonight

[Timetingz]: jokes on you I never get any sleep!

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: *disappears into bush* (except it’s the irls)

3:46 AM

[Gogysoft]: asshole

[Timetingz]: awe is gogywogy mad?

[Gogysoft]: .

[Timetingz]: is gogywogy gonna call his boyfriend?

[Gogysoft]: Dream is not my boyfriend how many times do I have to tell you that

[Timetingz]: I never mentioned that it was Dream 

[Timetingz]: does gogywogy have a crushywushy?

[Gogysoft]: no

[Timetingz]: in that case

[Timetingz]: Im sure sap wouldnt mind adding to the relationship

[Gogysoft]: shut the fuck up

[Timetingz]: seems like someones jealous <3

[Gogysoft]: I am not

[Gogysoft]: dreams mine 

[Timetingz]: platonically of course

[Gogysoft]: obviously

[Timetingz]: Simp behavior

[Timetingz]: hello Simp control? We have a simp on our hands 

[Gogysoft]: I am going to strangle you with my bare hands, stuff you full of ranch and leave you out for my hamsters to eat

[Timetingz]: hamsters!

[Gogysoft]: did you just ignore the fact that I said I was going to strangle you and stuff you with ranch??

[Timetingz]: I pretend I do not see

[Gogysoft]: fucking hell

[Gogysoft]: this freckled bitch

[Timetingz]: you know you love me

[Gogysoft]: I don’t

[Timetingz]: oh but I love you gogy

[Gogysoft]: manslaughter here I come

[Timetingz]: oh saps waking up gtg bye

[Gogysoft]: and you call me a simp-

GROUPCHAT: MANIFESTING GOOD NEIGHBORS 

3:50 AM

[EnslavedTherapist has changed the groupchat name to Constant Chaos + Puffy]

[NotPoggers]: im

[NotPoggers]: im not even going to argue because it’s the truth

[EnslavedTherapist]: good.

[BloodGod]: update please 

[B E E S]: ^

[B E E S]: wiat rnt u ther w tgem?

[BloodGod]: Phil sent me home

[B E E S]: o

[NotPoggers]: so basically 

[B E E S]: o no

[B E E S]: lnog mesege ibcoming

[NotPoggers]: Puffy came and helped out until Phil showed up (mans got massive wings, I freaked out, dhmu). He took like, one look at Saps arm and said that it was really fucked up and we would have to go to his office so he could heal it properly. karl makes a portal and nyooms us to Phil’s office where he set saps arm (sap was passed out at the time thankfully so he didn’t start screaming or lighting shit on fire) Saps still currently passed out on Karls shoulder while Phil gets stuff for a cast. Also lots of potions. Apparently he’s gonna be drinking a fuck ton of those.

[NotPoggers]: some stuff happened in between that I’m not allowed to share.

[NotPoggers]: wait nevermind Saps up and bickering with Karl 

[NotPoggers]: [image sent]

[BloodGod]: prime

[B E E S]: ^

——

“Hng… Karl? Where are we?”

He looked down fondly at his boyfriend, who’s eyes were still cloudy and damp from sleep and tears.

“Phil’s office. He set your arm while you were passed out, so don’t worry about having to deal with that.”

He helped the blaze hybrid sit upright, one arm around his shoulder to stop him from falling over.

“Where’s Phil now?” Sapnap asked, bleary eyes searching the office.

“Went to get gauze and a cast, I think. Also potions. You’ll be drinking a lot of those.”

“I do not like the sound of that.”

“Too bad, Sappy. This is what you get for being clumsy,” Karl giggled.

“I was worried about you!” The horned man protested.

“A likely excuse.”

He ruffled Sapnaps hair, giggles turning into breathy laughs as he sees how worked up he was getting.

“In all seriousness though, thanks for worrying ‘bout me. You didn’t have to,” Karl relented, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and nuzzling his quickly reddening face into his neck.

“I did.”

“And look where that got you, love,” He mumbled into his neck, poking at his stomach with one hand.

His boyfriend was unnaturally hot, a side effect of being a blaze hybrid and a Nether Born, and even though it was way different than the freezing cold of the Inbetween, he still relished the warmth he gave off, clinging to it like a cat clings to yarn.

“You’re patronizing me.”

“Love you too, Sappy.”

The door to the room opened and a certain golden winged man stepped into the room with his phone in hand, letting out a breath when he noticed that Sapnap was awake and more or less well. The left side of his face was bandaged up, a side effect of him deciding to pick a fight with Techno. Lifting his phone, Quackity took a photo of the bickering duo before putting it away and walking towards them.

Karl pulled his face away from his boyfriends’ neck to look up at his new friend (and maybe crush).

“Quackity! Perfect timing! I was just making fun of Sap for breaking his arm!” Karl called out to the man, running a hand through his boyfriends’ hair.

“Mm, yeah, pretty dumb of him to just trip over a log like that, right?” Quackity joked, sitting on a stool on the other side of Sapnaps cot.

“I know right? Like, he could’ve just not tripped, but he was so clumsy that he had to trip, am I right or am I right?”

They both burst out laughing, Karl nearly falling off his chair

“You guys are so mean, and for what?” Sapnap grumbled, though a small smile was making its way onto his face.

“It’s not our fault you’re so easy to tease!” 

Karl giggled again, poking at Sapnaps cheek.

“Aww, is little Sappynappy upset?”

“Is this how you treat the sick, Karl? What a bad boyfriend,” The blaze hybrids deadpanned as he pointed an accusing finger at the timeling.

They all burst out laughing at that, the final traces of stress over Sapnaps injury finally disappearing. 

Yeah, they would be fine.

——

DIRECT MESSAGES

4:00 AM

[Vwoop]: Tubbo

[Beeloved]: ye

[Vwoop]: I’m outside

[Vwoop]: can you open the door or should I let myself in?

[Beeloved]: let urslf in

[Beeloved]: ky ubder mat

[Vwoop]: thanks for the reminder :D

[Vwoop]: are you in your room?

[Beeloved]: ye

[Vwoop]: I’m coming in, is that alright?

[Beeloved]: ye

Chapter Text

——

“Hey, ‘Bo,” A soft voice called out into the darkness of the goat hybrids room.

“H-hey, ‘Boo,” Tubbo responded through gritted teeth, voice shaky with pain.

He was laid across the bed, legs half dangling off the edge. A pale yellow quilt was draped across his lower body, just barely covering him up to his waist. His scarred face was damp with tears, moonlight bouncing off wet eyes. He looked pitiful, really, and it hurt Ranboo to see their platonic husband so broken.

The End hybrid sat down on the bed, close enough to reach Tubbo but not so close it would be overbearing. Their tail flicked nervously, and the had to force it to lay still.

“Is this okay?”

The brunette nodded, a small smile making its way onto his face from seeing his platonic partner.

Ranboo set the jar of ointment in front of them, carefully unscrewing the top to reveal the pale red substance inside. Tubbo winced as the bitter smell of magma cream filled the air. 

“I r-really hate th-e smell o-of tha-t shit,” He grumbled as he eyed the small glob of cream Ranboo had dabbed onto their finger.

“I know, Bee, I’m not a fan of it either, but it’ll help ease the pain,” They sighed and scooted a bit closer to begin applying the ointment onto the scars in their husbands face, their tail draping across the goat hybrid's legs.

Tubbo winced, flinching slightly from both the pain of having his scars touched and the foreign coolness of the cream. Ranboo withdrew their hand immediately, a concerned look on their two-toned face.

“Sorry, was I too harsh?” They asked nervously, the glob of cream still on their finger and their tail flicking nervously again.

“N-o, it was j-just cold. I-it stu-ng a bit t-too. Not yo-ur fault th-though,” He assured, fingers twitching from a sudden burst of pain.

They didn’t look fully convinced, but their tail stilled again and they reached over and continued rubbing the cream into the scars left behind by the explosion.

The silence wasn’t too awkward, but it still made Ranboo nervous. They normally didn’t mind silence, but it was just plain weird when the silence was between them and their husband.

“S-so uh- how was your day, ‘Bo?”

It was a terrible question, considering the current state he was in, but it was all Ranboo could come up with. 

“I-t was g-good until, y’kn-ow, this h-happen-ed” Tubbo chuckled dryly, gesturing with shaky fingers towards his position in bed.

They nodded sympathetically. If anyone knew how bad bedrest was, it was them. The amount of times they’d been injured from teleporting in the rain was more than they could count on both their hands, feet, and horns.

They finished rubbing in the last of the ointment on Tubbo’s face, and were now trying to apply it to the area around his ear without getting it on his fluffy hair. Their tail had wrapped itself around the brunettes ankle.

“What were you doing before the pain got this bad?”

Ranboo really needed better conversation starters.

“Wo-rking on t-the bio-nic ear a-and eye,” The goat hybrid replied, trying futilely to pull back his hair so they could apply the ointment better.

“Oh, really? How far did you get? Last time you showed me the pieces you were almost done with the eye, right?” Ranboo asked, genuinely curious at this point.

“Eye onl-y needs so-me tweak-ing. Go-nna put i-it in next we-ek I think.”

They smiled, glad to get their husbands mind off the pain he was in. Even if it was to talk about the extreme pain they’d be in next week.

“Really? Wanna tell me a bit about it?”

Tubbo launched into a detailed explanation on what the bionic eye he had created would do to help him. It took everything in them to keep their jaw from dropping as they listened to all the amazing features he had managed to fit in the small sphere.

“I’m ho-nestly just e-excited to hav-e my depth p-perception back. It’ll be n-ice not to stu-mble into t-tables all the ti-me”

Ranboo laughed at that. Though it did look like it hurt, it looked absolutely hilarious every time Tubbo would stumble into a random object in the room because of his messed up vision.

“Don’t laugh a-at my pai-n, asshole,” Tubbo protested, swatting at Ranboo’s shoulder.

“Whatever you say, Tubs.”

Eventually, the entire right side of Tubbos face was covered in the pale red magma cream. Ranboo glanced nervously at his left arm and hands, which were completely exposed thanks to the tank top he was wearing, debating whether or not they should apply the cream there as well.

They didn’t have to think very long though, as Tubbo held out his arm expectantly when he sensed their hesitation.

“It’s alri-ght ‘Boo. Just b-be gentle.”

With that confirmation, they reached out and took their husbands hand in their own, inspecting the scars for a second before dipping two fingers into the ointment and rubbing it into his hand.

“Feels ki-nda like a m-massage,” Tubbo giggled, leaning back against the headboard with his eyes closed. 

“Does it feel nice?”

“Mhm.”

Ranboo sighed, glad that they weren’t causing the brunette any more pain than before.

“How’s Benson doing?”

Tubbo grinned brightly at the mention of his pet duck.

“Amazing. He’s su-per smart. I’ve taught h-him how to fetch, ro-ll over, play dead, a-and pick a lock!” 

They weren’t surprised about the lock picking part. This was Tubbo after all, of course he’d figure out a way to teach a duck how to break the law.

“How fast can he pick them?”

They finished applying the ointment on his right hand and let it go, gently taking hold of Tubbo’s left hand in its place.

“Regular lo-cks take only a minute, b-but harder ones ta-ke longer.”

A minute was how long it took Ranboo to pick locks when they first started. Either Benson was really smart, or Ranboo was just dumb, and they didn’t know which was better.

“That's not bad. Ya think you can shorten that time?” 

They scooted a bit closer to reach the areas above his elbows.

“Oh, definitely.”

After a few minutes of silence, they were finally done. Grabbing a napkin, they wiped off the extra cream from their finger before screwing the lid back onto the container.

“All done!”

The goat hybrid let out a sigh of relief, practically melting into the pillows under his head.

“Thank Prime its o-over.”

Ranboo chuckled.

“It wasn’t that bad, was it?”

Tubbo shook his head gently.

“Nah. Just the sm-ell.”

Ranboos' quiet chuckles turned into contagious laughs. Tubbo joined in a second later, and they stayed like that a bit, laughing at the dumb complaint Tubbo had made. It was strangely domestic, but neither would’ve had it any other way. Their tail unwound from the brunette's ankle and flopped across their lap.

Eventually their laughter calmed down, and Ranboo voiced a question in their mind.

“Hey, ‘Bo? Do you want me to stay the night?”

“Can you?” He questioned hesitantly, “uh- please?”

“Of course I can,” They assured, heterochromatic eyes glowing.

Tubbo grinned brightly at the confirmation. 

Ranboo smiled softly in return. They got up and stretched their back, tail swishing behind them, and grabbed the cream.

“I’ll put this away and change, then I’ll come back, alright?”

Tubbo nodded, snuggling back under his blanket.

The door creaked as the End hybrid left the room, closing the door behind them. They returned fifteen minutes later in dark gray pajamas, a glass of water held carefully in one hand. They closed the door behind them and sat back down on the bed, tail curling back around Tubbo’s ankle.

“Thought you’d like a glass of water,” They said, cup held out in offering.

Tubbo sat up again and took it in one hand with mumbled thanks, chugging it in one go. 

“That’s much better, thanks ‘Boo,” He said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“No problem.”

Awkward silence.

“Uhm-” Ranboo cleared their throat nervously, “where should I sleep?

A mischievous grin made its way to the goat hybrid's face as a plan began forming in his mind. He took the pale gray hand of his partners in his own scarred ones.

“Won’t you share a bed with me, oh beloved planktonic partner~?”

A pale pink dusted the hybrid's two-toned cheeks as they started sputtering out nonsense from embarrassment, tail curling and uncurling around Tubbo’s ankle.

“Tubbo!”

The brunette cackled, a slight evil in his eyes.

“What? It’s a genuine question! Slash gen!”

They let out an exasperated sigh, shaking their head fondly.

“If you really want me to, I don’t mind sharing a bed.”

Tubbo’s cackling was reduced to another grin, this one softer than the last. He lifted the covers tentatively, beckoning Ranboo under them. They obliged, scooting under the quilt, long limbs sticking out despite how big it was. They opened their arms and Tubbo curled himself into them. Their tail stayed curled around the goat hybrid's ankle. 

“You’re really cold,” Tubbo grumbled, pushing himself further into their chest.

“I’m an End hybrid, Tubs, not a Nether one. Of course I’m going to have a lower body temperature,” Ranboo reminded gently, bringing a hand up to run their fingers through their husbands mop of brown curls.

Tubbo leaned into the touch, sighing contently. Ranboo felt a purr build up in their chest, the soft rumbling calming Tubbo down further.

“It’s platonic, by the way, not planktonic.”

“Shut up, tall man.”

It’s a nice feeling, falling asleep with someone you love. 

He fell asleep with a smile on his lips, past pain forgotten.

Yeah, it was one of the best feelings in the world.

——

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: Constant Chaos + Puffy

11:24 AM

[amDre]: I have acquired my phone

[amDre]: good morning gc

[EnslavedTherapist]: it is?? Literally?? 11 am??

[EnslavedTherapist]: why are you just now waking up??

[amDre]: not important

[EnslavedTherapist]: and shouldnt you be in class right now??

[amDre]: also not important 

[EnslavedTherapist]: im

[EnslavedTherapist]: okay

[EnslavedTherapist]: hows everyone doing?

[NotPoggers]: morning

[NotPoggers]: I was excused from class today because I look like I, and I quote, “got run over by a Hoglin, teleported to the End and back, ate poisoned Suspicious Stew, fell into a berry bush, and got consumed by a Slime, all in the last five minutes”

[EnslavedTherapist]: that is more than slightly concerning

[NotPoggers]: so now im at home with a delirious Sapnap and very very tired Karl piled on top of me :]

[amDre]: prime

[amDre]: are they okay?

[NotPoggers]: are any of us okay?

[amDre]: fair.

[EnslavedTherapist]: you are all getting therapy the moment I have an open slot

[amDre]: no <3

[NotPoggers]: ^

[EnslavedTherapist]: sigh

[EnslavedTherapist]: my flower bushes are in bloom so theres like five hives worth of bees surrounding them

[EnslavedTherapist]: they buzz angrily if I even try to get close

[EnslavedTherapist]: its scary

[B E E S]: i ws summonded by da bee

[amDre]: TUBBO!

[B E E S]: DRE!

[NotPoggers]: hello bee boi

[B E E S]: henlo bug q

[EnslavedTherapist]: t u b b o

[B E E S]: p u d f y

[B E E S]: i almosy wrotr pussy but we r ifnoring that

[NotPoggers]: lmao

[EnslavedTherapist]: ignored-

[EnslavedTherapist]: how are you?

[B E E S]: tierd

[B E E S]: cuerently in a bahroom stall in shvool

[NotPoggers]: ew school

[NotPoggers]: he says while studying for an ap ela test

[EnslavedTherapist]: im so glad I finished college

[EnslavedTherapist]: im never fucking going back to that hellhole

[LANGUAGE]: Language, Puffy!

[NotPoggers]: how the fuck were you just summoned by Puffy cursing

[LANGUAGE]: It’s a skill! Also, Language!

[B E E S]: i gtg

[B E E S]: ckass time

[EnslavedTherapist]: take care Tubbo! 

[NotPoggers]: ^

[LANGUAGE]: Make sure to not stress yourself!

[B E E S]: lol not possibke

[EnslavedTherapist]: c o n c e r n

[amDre]: my cat wont stop clawing at my cables help

[NotPoggers]: punt it into the sun :]

[amDre]: nO

[amDre]: absolutely not

[NotPoggers]: why :[

[amDre]: shes my cat i love her even if she annoys me sometime 

[SappitusNappitus]: wghat a ccobucufence? Georegaf sdasid sonmethibg lkie twhts savboiut yoiu a gfrew dsauys afgio’

[amDre]: confusion

[EnslavedTherapisr]: im not even gonna question why youre up and on youre phone

[LANGUAGE]: “what a coincidence! George said something like that about you a few days ago!”

[amDre]: AHSIWUNW HE DID?? 

[amDre]: HE RELAKY SAID TABT??? 

[amDre]: ABOUT BME???

[EnslavedTherapist]: you broke him sapnap

[NotPoggers]: sap why are you on your phone

[SappitusNappitus]: eghe

[LANGUAGE]: ^ “ehe.”

[NotPoggers]: I have confiscated his phone

[EnslavedTherapist]: thank prime

[Georeg]: stop chatting so much 

[George]: most of you should be in class right now 

[BloodGod]: I just got outta class it’s my lunch period right now.

[Georeg]: we have one person with a functioning brain at least, thank prime.

[amDre]: WSJOWJE GEROEGE

[Georeg]: no

[amDre]: GEOAIGRE PELASE

[BloodGod]: does everyone in this gc have bad spelling now?

[Georeg]: I genuinely think Puffy, Bad, and I are the only people left with good spelling

[BloodGod]: I’m right here.

[NotPoggers]: ^

[Georeg]: techno too I guess

[BloodGod]: you guess??

[NotPoggers]: me?? What about me??

[Georeg]: have you even looked at the messages you sent last night while being chased?

[NotPoggers]: low blow

[Georeg]: shut

[EnslavedTherapist]: all of you stop bickering for five minutes I beg

[amDre]: sorry dad

[BloodGod]: I’m sorry, w h a t ? ? ?

[NotPoggers]: dad???

[Georeg]: dre wth

[LANGUAGE]: I am mildly confused.

[EnslavedTherapist]: I have decided to adopt Dream

[EnslavedTherapist]: I am now papa puffy

[Georeg]: why would anyone want to adopt Dream

[amDre]: george im hurt

[Georeg]: good

[amDre]: how could you

[EnslavedTherapist]: I eagerly await the day I end up giving you two couples therapy

[amDre]: aw puffy!

[EnslavedTherapist]: that was sarcasm Dream

[amDre]: oh

[NotPoggers]: prime i bet the look on your face is priceless right now.

[amDre]: dad theyre bullying me

[BloodGod]: everyone point and laugh

[IMSKEPPIN]: bad

[amDre]: oh no

[LANGUAGE]: Hello, Skeppy! Are you alright? 

[IMSKEPPIN]: bad

[LANGUAGE]: Yes, Skeppy?

[IMSKEPPIN]: i dfiid a rthnig

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy, what does that mean?

[EnslavedTherapist]: Bad

[BloodGod]: translations

[LANGUAGE]: Oh, right! Sorry!

[LANGUAGE]: “I did a thing.”

[EnslavedTherapist]: I just felt my lifespan shorten by twenty years.

[amDre]: o7

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy.

[IMSKEPPIN]: bad

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy, what did you do?

[IMSKEPPIN]: i mnasy iore mkasy bnort hgasve vbliowbn uip a ghosure iom rtghe uidosts sdervcer

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy! Why in the world would you do that?!

[BloodGod]: what did the idiot do?

[LANGUAGE]: He “may or may not have blown up a house on the IDots server.”

[NotPoggers]: arson pog

[amDre]: nods

[EnslavedTherapist]: i mean im not against arson, but im guessing this IDots server is a shared server? Doesnt that mean he possible blew up someone elses house?

[LANGUAGE]: Yep! Me, Skeppy, and a few of our friends made it back in high school!

[LANGUAGE]: It slowly got abandoned though :(

[LANGUAGE]: Finn just stopped joining, Spifey and Vurb got really busy, and I moved to a different home-server that was far away so the travel cost was too high.

[amDre]: and skeppy just decided to join and blow up a house??

[IMSKEPPIN]: ye

[LANGUAGE]: I would ask why, but he’d probably say it was a way to get me to join the server so he could see me.

[IMSKEPPIN]: ye

[LANGAUGE]: You do know the owner of the house you blew up is probably gonna be storming into your DM’s right now, right?

[IMSKEPPIN]: oops

DIRECT MESSAGES

11:53 AM

[dm4ftpics]: SKEPPY TROLL GLINT

[dm4ftpics]: WHY THE HELL DID I GET A NOTIF THAT MY HOUSE WAS FUCKING BLOWN UP ON THE IDOTS SMP???

[DiscountCarabink]: hehe

[dm4ftpics]: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

GROUPCHAT: Constant Chaos + Puffy

11:56 AM

[BloodGod]: this is a fine example of idiocracy 

[amDre]: I choked on my bread

[BloodGod]: hope you die 

[amDre]: no <3

[LANGUAGE]: We will be talking about this later, Skeppy! Don’t think you’re off the hook!

[IMSKEPPIN]: irl

[LANGUAGE]: No, over call.

[IMSKEPPIN]: :(

[NotPoggers]: suck it diamond boi

[EnslavedTherapist]: I just facepalmed so hard

[amDre]: are you okay?

[EnslavedTherapist]: to quote Quackity, “are any of us okay?”

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: Constant Chaos + Puffy

12:10 PM

[amDre]: are you okay?

[EnslavedTherapist]: to quote Quackity, “are any of us okay?”

[Georeg]: im doing fine

[amDre]: oh georgeeeee

[Georeg]: was*

[Georeg]: I was doing fine until this yellow idiot decided to bother me again

[amDre]: yellow???

[Georeg]: yes yellow

[Georeg]: like that ugly piss yellow hoodie you wear

[amDre]: its green???

[amDre]: like neon green???

[amDre]: not piss yellow???

[NotPoggers]: pissbaby haha

[amDre]: im going to strangle you

[EnslavedTherapist]: George?

[Georeg]: yes?

[EnslavedTherapist]: are you colorblind?

[Georeg]: a round of a applause for the one person who finally got it

[amDre]: if youre colorblind

[amDre]: does that mean my eyes are gonna look like piss to you too???

[Georeg]: if you have green eyes then yes

[amDre]: I hate it here. good bye.

[Georeg]: lmao pussy

[EnslavedTherapist]: I banged my head on a wall

[NotPoggers]: <

[EnslavedTherapist]: I feel like im going to pass out and it’s barely even one yet

[BloodGod]: wait crap its almost one? Im going to be late

[BloodGod]: what the hell is time

[TimeTravelsCutely]: time is an illusion 

[EnslavedTherapist]: that helps things make sense

[BloodGod]: if I wasnt late for class I wouldve hunted you down, puffy.

[EnslavedTherapist]: get to class techno

[BloodGod]: fine

[TimeTravelsCutely]: quacky fell asleep with his face mushed into the mattress why is he so cute

[EnslavedTherapist]: couple goals

[TimeTravelsCutely]: WAIT NO-

[TimeTravelsCutely has deleted one message]

[TimeTravelsCutely]: NO EVIDENCE

[EnslavedTherapist]: [image sent]

[EnslavedTherapist has deleted one message]

[TimeTravelsCutely]: MERCY PLEASE

[EnslavedTherapist]: put your phone away and r e s t 

[TimeTravelsCutely]: FINE FINE JUST PLEASE DONT SEND IT TO HIM

DIRECT MESSAGES

12:59 PM

[EnslavedTherapist]: [image sent]

[EnslavedTherapist]: you may or may not have caught someones eye mr law student

GROUPCHAT: Constant chaos + Puffy

1:01 PM

[EnslavedTherapist]: no promises <3

[TimeTravelsCutely]: im royally screwed

[EnslavedTherapist]: youll be fine 

[EnslavedTherapist]: now get off your phone before i find you and take it myself

[TimeTravelsCutely]: to quote you, “thats only mildly terrifying”

[EnslavedTherapist]: <3

[TimeTravelsCutely]: fine.

[EnslavedTherapist]: fabulous 

[EnslavedTherapist]: now that everyone is offline

[EnslavedTherapist]: I think new names are needed :D

[EnslavedTherapist has changed their name to Therapuffy]

[Therapuffy has changed IMSKEPPIN name to ShinyRock]

[Therapuffy has changed NotPoggers name to DuckInLaw]

[Therapuffy]: yes

[Therapuffy]: perfect

[Therapuffy]: im so smart

[Therapuffy changed amDre name to Pissbaby]

[Therapuffy]: as much as I want to I’m not that cruel sigh

[Therapuffy has changed Pissbaby name to GayTeakettle]

[Therapuffy has changed BloodGod name to technochanuwu]

[Therapuffy]: he

[Therapuffy]: hehe

[Therapuffy]: hehehe

[Therapuffy has changed B E E S name to Nukes:D]

[Nukes:D]: i likr it

[Therapuffy]: yay!

[Therapuffy]: now go back to class Tubbo

[Nukes:D]: o7

[Therapuffy has changed SappitusNappitus name to brokeasmyarm]

[technochanuwu]: low blow

[technochanuwu]: what the hell is my name

[technochanuwu has changed their name to Anarchy]

[Anarchy]: much better.

[Anarchy]: carry on.

[Therapuffy]: how the hell are you in your phone during class???

[Anarchy]: I bribed the teacher

[Therapuffy]: you did what

[Anarchy]: shhhh

[Therapuffy]: ???

[Therapuffy]: yknow what

[Therapuffy]: im not even gonna question it

[Therapuffy has changed brokeasmyarm name to Arson]

[Therapuffy]: unoriginal but it fits

[Therapuffy]: the rest of the names are fine I think

[Therapuffy]: cant wait for everyone to come back online :)

[Therapuffy]: [evillaughter.gif sent]

GROUPCHAT: Team: Minor Melody

2:10 PM

[Artemis]: guys 

[Artemis]: guys

[Artemis]: guys

[Aristaeus]: wa

[Apophis]: YES???

[Lethe]: yeah?

[Iris]: what.

[Artemis]: did you get the alert??

[Iris]: for? 

[Iris]: you gotta be a bit more specific that that.

[Artemis]: mission alert

[Iris]: oh.

[Iris]: yeah I did.

[Lethe]: lemme see

[Lethe]: oh my gods

[Artemis]: indeed

[Apophis]: WHATS GOING ON 

[Apophis]: WHY ARE YOU GUYS ACTING ALL CRYPTIC 

[Apophis]: FILL ME IN

[Iris]: literally just check your mission alerts child.

[Apophis]: I AM NOT A CHILD

[Lethe]: yeah but you are the youngest of us all

[Aristaeus]: all of u shut

[Apophis]: sorry 

[Lethe]: sorry 

[Iris]: sorry.

[Artemis]: lol imagine getting scolded by someone shorter than you

[Artemis]: HOLY FUCKING SHIT 

[Artemis]: HOW DID HE JUST APPEAR IN FRONT IF MY LOCKER??

[Artemis]: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

[Lethe]: he ran off with the most terrifying look on their face

[Apophis]: I feel bad for you

[Aristaeus]: frear me

[Lethe]: why do you keep turning off auto correct

[Aristaeus]: funi

[Artemis]: BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND

[Lethe]: oh right

[Lethe]: we’re teaming up with two of the Feral Boys for a mission today because apparently the third person who was supposed to team with them broke their arm or something. 

[Lethe]: We’re mostly just gonna be there for backup but H says it’s supposed to be a learning experience as well

[Aristaeus]: y doeds that sound vaugley damilliar

[Lethe]: get over here I’m turning on auto correct again

[Aristaeus]: grr

[Lethe]: don’t you dare turn it off again

[Aristaeus]: grr

[Artemis]: why are you guys not more excited???

[Artemis]: we’re teaming with Feral Boys members for primes sake!!!

[Apophis]: WE ARE WHAT???

[Iris]: teaming up with Feral Boys members idiot.

[Iris]: keep up.

[Lethe]: am I supposed to know who they are or

[Apophis]: ONLY THE COOLEST GCIA MEMEBERS TO EVER EXIST

[Apophis]: OTHER THAN ME OFCOURSE

[Artemis]: I’m going to commit child genocide.

[Iris]: don’t you all literally have class right now?

[Aristaeus]: u r the only 1 I love in this chat

[Iris]: thanks ig.

[Iris]: i hate you the least.

[Iris]: now everyone back to class or I’ll set off the fire alarm and blame it on you guys.

[Artemis]: party pooper :P

[Iris]: shut.

[Iris]: also we probably shouldn’t be chatting in the team gc.

[Artemis]: why?

[Lethe]: H is literally in this gc

[Aristaeus]: n have a diff gc without H n we still talk in here lol

[Artemis]: its fineeee

[Artemis]: H probably never checks this gc anyways

[Hatshepsut]: I do and I find your conversations endearing

[Apophis]: HAH TAKE THAT 

[Hatshepsut]: but please, for the sake of my notifs, refrain from using this gc for non-important topics

[Iris]: yes ma’am

[Aristaeus]: @Apophis u were saying

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: Constant chaos + Puffy

5:17 PM

[Therapuffy]: help I’m literally freaking out right now

[GayTeakettle]: whats wrong?

[GayTeakettle]: OWHSKW WHAT IS NY BANE???

[Therapuffy]; tehehehe

[GayTeakettle]: puffy

[Therapuffy]: Dream

[GayTeakettle]: puffy

[Therapuffy]: Dream

[GayTeakettle]: fine

[Therapuffy]: <3

[GayTeakettle]: we get off topic a lot in this chat

[GayTeakettle]: anyways why are you freaking out?

[Therapuffy]: I may or may not have snagged myself a second girlfriend 

[Therapuffy]: with consent ofc

[DuckInLaw]: I was summoned by the mention of a polyam relationship

[DuckInLaw]: I approve of my name

[DuckInLaw]: anyways spill the tea sis

[Therapuffy]: never say that again

[DuckInLaw]: heart been broke so many times </3

[DuckInLaw]: no seriously please tell the story

[Therapuffy]: okay so

[GayTeakettle]: preparing myself to read fanfiction

[DuckInLaw]: slow burn 100k enemies to lovers

[Anarchy]: sounds a lot like George and Dreams relationship

[GayTeakettle]: I trusted you techno

[Anarchy]: that was your first mistake

[DuckInLaw]: ooo the tea is scalding

[Anarchy]: I didn’t know you knew that word

[DuckInLaw]: I GO TO LAW SCHOOL???

[Anarchy]: okay and?

[GayTeakettle]: I take back my words youre amazing techno

[Anarchy]: I tolerate you

[DuckInLaw]: I will never understand your guys’s relationship

[Therapuffy]: so im dating my beloved gf Niki, right? When out of no where this really fucking hot Irish lady gets transferred to our building as a couples therapist cause the last one went through some tragic breakup and quit. So im here thinking hot Irish lady (her name is Minx btw- isnt that such a pretty name?) is straight as her gorgeous purple hair because no self respectable non-het woman dresses like that (she literally comes to work in fishnets and crop tops like pop off queen but this is a therapist office not a night club) and I think like okay yeah I have no chance plus im already dating Niki right so why would I also want to date her? 

[GayTeakettle]: thats a lotta words

[DuckInLaw]: quite the pickle youre in

[Anarchy]: no one even says that anymore?

[DuckInLaw]: I like being unique <3

[GayTeakettle]: quirky <3

[DuckInLaw]: quirky <3

[Anarchy]: I hate every single one you with burning fiery passion

[DuckInLaw]: aww

[GayTeakettle]: we love you too techno <3

[Therapuffy]: But then one day she comes to work fucking decked out in pansexual colors and i just stand there in awe as my mind starts trying to wrap its puny little self around this so now im like hot dang- hot woman is very clearly not straight! But my issue was that I still have Niki who I love very dearly and want to marry so like what the hell am I supposed to do right?? Well being a therapist for a year gives me enough experience working with couples to know that I legit need to just talk to her and what do ya know? 

[GayTeakettle]: oh to have stable relationships where both parties talk things out instead of being tsunderes

[DuckInLaw]: Dream are you okay?

[Anarchy]: hes never okay 

[GayTeakettle]: ^

[Therapuffy]: Turns out miss not-so-straight come to her bakery almost every a day and is constantly flirting with her- at first i rage because?? Nikis my gf? M i n e ? But like I get it because shes so pretty only prime knows how I managed to get her anyways she tells me about how she kinda really likes Minx and im standing here like okay so we both like miss purple and stunning so what next? 

[GayTeakettle]: I feel like youre dumping your life story onto us 

[GayTeakettle]: which like sure go ahead

[GayTeakettle]: but also youre the therapist

[Therapuffy]: sorry I just need to rant

[DuckInLaw]: understandable

[DuckInLaw]: some days I just want to rant about how adorable Karl is and how gay I am for him 

[Anarchy]: we know Quackity

[DuckInLaw]: I want to marry him

[GayTeakettle]: we know quackity

[Therapuffy]: Well apparently Minx needed to make the first move because the fucker walks up to me in her pretty chain boots when im closing up and asks me on a date and at first im like nooo I have a gf but it turns out Minx knew that already and had fallen for both of us so I took her to Nikis bakery and she asks both of us out and now I’m sitting here in absolute shock because ive somehow snagged myself not one but two incredible woman

[GayTeakettle]: because youre an amazing person too!

[Therapuffy]: Dream :(

[DuckInLaw]: Dream is right for once

[DuckInLaw]: youre like the most sane person in this gc

[Anarchy]: the teletubby’s right for once

[Therapuffy]: brb crying

[GayTeakettle]: anyways you have to get ready for your date!

[Therapuffy]: oh my gods youre right I completely forgot

[Therapuffy]: what do I wear ;-;

[GayTeakettle]: where are you guys going?

[Therapuffy]: a fancy restaurant

[DuckInLaw]: scale of 1-10 how fancy?

[Therapuffy]: 7?

[Anarchy]: @Nukes:D it’s your time to shine Tubbo

[Nukes:D]: who summoned me

[Anarchy]: I did

[Anarchy]: read back a bit

[Nukes:D]: k

[Nukes:D]: hehehe

[Therapuffy]: I fear

[Nukes:D]: k so

[Nukes:D]: what look r u trying to go 4?

[Therapuffy]: good looking but not snobby

[Therapuffy]: like well off but not arrogant 

[Nukes:D]: hm

[Nukes:D]: blouse good jeans w/ maybe a chain belt leather jacket n heeled boots

[Nukes:D]: preferably black

[Therapuffy]: I think I have all of those lemme try them on

[Anarchy]: Tubbo did Ranboo turn on auto correct again?

[Nukes:D]: ye y?

[Anarchy]: the lack of typos worried me

[Nukes:D]: aww u care

[Anarchy]: shut

[DuckInLaw]: is no one gonna talk about how Tubbo knew exactly what Puffy should wear??

[Anarchy]: nope

[GayTeakettle]: I dont ask questions anymore

[Nukes:D]: I wanna become a fashion designer!

[Anarchy]: ive been his living mannequin for three years

[Anarchy]: he’s actually really good

[Nukes:D]: techno stamp of approval pog?

[Anarchy]: you always have my approval Tubbo

[DuckInLaw]: this just in: blood god is soft for bee child!

[GayTeakettle]: we all are quackity

[DuckInLaw]: true

[DuckInLaw]: any truers in chat

[Anarchy]: shut

[Therapuffy]: [Image Sent]

[Therapuffy]: Tubbo youre a fashion genius 

[Nukes:D]: ty!

[Nukes:D]: now I must go 2 work

[Nukes:D]: gl on ur date!

[Therapuffy]: thanks Tubbo!

[Therapuffy]: bye!

[DucksInLaw]: that reminds me

[DucksInLaw]: Karl told me to wake him up at six

[DucksInLaw]: so I got to go now too

[DucksInLaw]: bye Puffy and Dream! Good luck on your date!

[Therapuffy]: aaaa you guys are too nice

[GayTeakettle]: I think I will sleep now too

[Therapuffy]: not gonna question why youre sleeping at six pm

[Anarchy]: pulling a george 

[Therapuffy]: I- 

[Therapuffy]: okay

[Therapuffy]: good night Dream! Bye Quackity!

Chapter Text

——

Tubbo sighed as they packed their bag with all the necessary items for the mission, not bothering to be quiet about it. Being abandoned at a young age has its perks after all! Ranboo was in the bathroom changing, their bag already packed up. They zipped up their bag, thankful for the Bottomless enchantment Ranboo had put on it as a birthday gift. They pulled out their uniform, a sleek, pitch black bodysuit with dark green lines along the sides, arms, and leg parts, shedding their current clothes to wear it, not wanting to change at Headquarters. Ranboo knocked on the door just as they’d clipped their utility belt on, bottomless pockets full of various tools they knew they would need and then some.

“Come in,” They called out, shouldering their bag and grabbing Ranboo’s so they could leave immediately.

The door opened and the End hybrid stepped in, wearing their own bodysuit. It was exactly like Tubbo’s but with white stripes instead of green. 

“Ready to go?” They asked, leaning against the door frame.

Tubbo nodded, handing their partner their own bag and leading the way down the stairs and out the house, door locked behind them. The brunette paused on the front porch, turning to Ranboo with a toothy grin, ears flattened with badly hidden nervousness. They hugged wordlessly, the ritual all too familiar. Ranboo’s tail wrapping around Tubbo’s ankle, the weight reassuring the goat hybrid. 

Tubbo pulled away first, eyes wet but smiling.

“Alright, I’m ready.”

Ranboo nodded, untangling their tail from around Tubbo’s ankle and instead loosely wrapping it around their wrist. 

They began their walk to the nearest bus stop where they knew Tommy would be waiting for them. It was a nice day out, the sky a bright orange from the late sunset. The streets were empty, thankfully, and the only sound they could hear was from the occasional car or cricket.

Tommy was sitting on top of the bus stop overhang, bright red wings folded neatly behind him, glaring down at nothing in particular. He was also in his bodysuit, one that was matching Ranboo and Tubbo’s, save for the red stripes.

“Oi, Tommy!” Tubbo yelled at the blonde, cupping their hands around their mouth to carry their voice further.

Tommy’s gaze snapped to the brunette, the frown on his face quickly replaced with a grin at the sight of his best friend. He jumped down from the overhang, landing right in front of the older duo.

“Hey, Tubso!” He greeted the brunette, hugging them tightly before letting go and glancing up at Ranboo, “Hey Ranboob!”

Ranboo groaned at the terrible nickname, dragging a hand across their face.

“Hello, Tomathy,” They deadpanned, the small smile on their face contrasting their tone.

Tommy brought his fist up in front of the others, waiting for them to do the same.

“Here’s to not dying!” He announced, his voice somehow both cheerful and depressing.

“Here here,” Tubbo grumbled and met Tommy’s fist with their own.

“Bless Prime,” Ranboo prayed, copying Tubbo’s movement

They stood there for a second, fists connected in the middle before Tommy eventually fluffed out his wings, dropping his fist to his side.

“Well, we better get going! Don’t wanna keep H waiting,” He said, stretching out his wings all the way, “Ready to fly, Tubbo?”

Tubbo groaned, pleading eyes meeting Ranboo’s

“Can’t I teleport with ‘Boo instead? You always do those terrible aerobatics that make me wanna puke,” They complained.

“You just have bad taste,” Tommy scoffed as his feathers puffed up again defensively.

After a silent staring contest, in which poor Ranboo stood awkwardly in the middle of, Tommy gave up, turning away from the duo with a huff.

“Fine, but don’t come crying to me if you lose a limb,” He relented, pointing an accusing finger at Ranboo, “I still don’t trust your teleportation abilities, boob boy.”

Ranboo let out an offended “Hey!” while Tubbo burst out laughing, clinging to their platonic partner as they doubled over. Tommy just grinned.

Eventually, Tubbo calmed down and they wrapped both arms around Ranboos waist as the taller of the two prepared to teleport.

“Race you to HQ!” They teased, before the duo disappeared in a flurry of purple particles.

“Hey, not fair, cheater!” Tommy yelled at the particles, before he flapped his wings and took off towards the trio's destination.

——

“Psst- Karl- Oi- wake up-”

Karl groaned, swatting at Quackity, who just giggled and continued tickling the man with his wings.

“Ugh, let me sleep, Q,” He grumbled into his pillow.

“Karl, you told me to wake you up at six. It’s already six-thirty!” Quackity reminded the brunette, picking at him again.

Karl sat up immediately, all traces of tiredness gone from his eyes.

“Oh honk , why didn’t you wake me up sooner?!” He demanded, jumping out of the bed with a huff.

“I’ve been trying to wake you up for the past thirty minutes, idiot!”

The timeling had the decency to look sheepish as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand.

“I guess you did, huh?”

“Why did you need to be woken up anyway?” The duck hybrid asked, voice laced with confusion.

“George, Sap and I have a project we need to work on. I’m supposed to be at George's place by seven,” He replied, the lie slipping off his tongue easily.

At the mention of his name, Sapnap stirred, one eye opening tiredly.

“Is’t time to go a’ready?” He asked, his voice slurred with fatigue as he tried to sit up straight, failing miserably.

“Oh, you aren’t going anywhere, Sap. George and I can handle this just fine.” Karl assured the horned male, pushing him back into a more relaxed position.

“But-” He tried to protest, only to be cut off by Karl pressing a kiss to his forehead:

“You need rest, and if I have to chain you to the bed to make sure you get it, I honking will.”

Sapnap didn’t bother trying to sit up anymore, instead looking at Karl with sleepy mischief in his glowing eyes.

“That’s kinky, Karl.”

The brunette blushed, slapping his arm gently.

“Shut up , Sappitus Nappitus,” He grumbled, pushing himself off the bed and going to grab his bag.

“Don’t worry, Karlos, I’ll make sure he won’t get out of bed,” Quackity cackled, laying back down sideways on the bed with his legs on Sapnaps chest.

The latter tried to push the winged man's legs off to no avail, eventually giving up and falling back on the bed with a groan. 

Karl chuckled at their antics, zipping up his bag and shouldering it. “Don’t stay up for me, I’ll be back late!” 

The duo on the bed nodded and went back to bickering. 

Karl smiled to himself as he left the house, conjuring his dimensional scissors to cut a portal. Too late he realized that he hadn’t changed into his bodysuit.

Meh, I’ll just change at HQ.

He nodded to himself and stepped through the portal, the warped area closing behind him.

Hopefully I’ll make it out of this one alive…

Chapter Text

——

GROUPCHAT: Team: Minor Melody

6:15 PM

[Iris]: where are you guys, I’m already at HQ

[Artemis]: omw 

[Artemis]: had to sneak out the back window cause my brother fell asleep on the couch

[Aristaeus]: lol

[Aristaeus]: imagine living with someone who doesn’t work for the GCIA

[Artemis]: bro you doing alright?

[Iris]: dris we work for the government to cover up our tragic and/or criminal pasts.

[Iris]: I don’t think any of us are “doing alright”.

[Artemis]: .

[Artemis]: I mean youre not wrong

[Artemis]: but still

[Iris]: it’s depressing I know

[Artemis]: literally

[Lethe]: oh cool are we having existential thoughts again?

[Iris]: no actually

[Aristaeus]: more like

[Artemis]: depressing thoughts about our pasts

[Iris]: and what got us to this point

[Aristaeus]: ye that

[Lethe]: sounds fun 

[Lethe]: how do I join?

[Artemis]: say something depressing about your past

[Lethe]: hm

[Iris]: the fact that you’re trying to think of something means you didn’t have a tragic past like us

[Lethe]: no I’m just trying to pick something that isn’t overwhelmingly depressing

[Artemis]: try us bitch

[Lethe]: mmm

[Lethe]: oh I know

[Lethe]: my foster parents used to lock me out of the house in the middle of heavy rain storms as “punishment” whenever I was “bad”

[Artistaeus]: my dad used 2 beat me up with empty alcohol bottles n make me do all the housework n pay the bills :D

[Artemis]: my old foster siblings used to try to pull out my hybrid features 

[Artemis]: one of them even tried to cut off one of my wings to use as a book cover :D

[Iris]: lmao my old boss branded me with white hot iron and would electrocute me if I didn’t do good during training.

[Lethe]: prime we’re messed up

[Artemis]: the gameverse fucking hates us lol

[Aristaeus]: @Apophis u gotta share some tragic shit from ur past now

[Iris]: wait did we all just forget about Tommy??

[Artemis]: LMAO WE DID

[Lethe]: @Apophis where are you?

[Apophis]: shut up ranboob

[Lethe]: I’m sorry for being concerned about your whereabouts

[Apophis]: WELL MAYBE YOU SHULDNT HAVE LEFT ME ALONE????

[Aristaeus]: lol L

[Apophis]: SHUT UP TUBBO

[Lethe]: rip Tommy

[Artemis]: he lived a good life

[Iris]: L

[Aristaeus]: tomathy danger kraken innit minecraft

[Aristaeus]: if u r not at hq in the next minute I will skin u n sell ur organs

[Apophis]: ID LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY GOAT BOY

[Aristaeus]: if u dont care about your organs I could always release clementine into the sea.

[Apophis]: IM COMING IM COMING LEAVE CLEMENTIEB ALINE YOU ASSHOEK

[Aristaeus]: :D

[Lethe]: my s/o everyone

[Artemis]: what

[Iris]: ^ ??

[Apophis]: IM SORRY WHAT??

[Aristaeus]: boo did u not tell them

[Lethe]: I’m sorry Tubbo I forgot :(

[Aristaeus]: do I need to start with the sticky notes again

[Lethe]: please don’t Tubbo

[Artemis]: back up

[Artemis]: you two are dating??

[Aristaeus]: married

[Aristaeus]: planktonicallly

[Lethe]: platonically*

[Aristaeus]: same thing

[Apophis]: I

[Iris]: lmao you two broke him

[Artemis]: like? Legally? Married?

[Aristaeus]: ofc

[Aristaeus]: I dont go half assed >:)

[Iris]: how long?

[Lethe]: three months two weeks one day and 7 hours

[Artemis]: how

[Lethe]: it’s quite simple actually we just had to talk to a friend about the legal bits and we were good

[Artemis]: no I mean like how do you remember the exact timing

[Lethe]: I don’t know it’s just stuck in my head 

[Aristaeus]: my little medical issue <3

[Iris]: what

[Lethe]: my existential dread <3

[Artemis]: not gonna question it

[Iris]: @Apophis are you here yet

[Iris]: @Apophis

[Artemis]: @Apophis

[Aristaeus]: @Apophis

[Lethe]: @Apophis

[Apophis]: IM OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCE STOP PINGING ME

[Iris]: lol 

[Apophis]: @Lethe @Aristaeus we will be talking about this tomorrow

[Aristaeus]: ok child

[Apophis]: KANSKWJSKWJ

GROUP CHAT: *disappears into bush* (except it’s the irls)

6:30 PM

[Gogysoft]: @Timetingz where the hell are you

[Pottery]: ooo is the child of time late?

[Timetingz]: literally shut

[Timetingz]: im on my way gogy

[Pottery]: I still dont understand why I couldnt come 

[Gogysoft]: clearly because Karl and I are better than you 

[Pottery]: :(

[Gogysoft]: :)

[Timetingz]: no really, why couldnt dre and hermes come?

[Gogysoft]: something about wanting to train some younger agents and that Dream and Hermes suck with kids

[Gogysoft]: im not sure I wasn’t paying attention lol

[Pottery]: the betrayal

[Timetingz]: pfft

[Timetingz]: though to be fair

[Timetingz]: considering the fact that Hermes runs a honking mafia and Dream is a 6 ft dreamon hybrid 

[Timetingz]: I dont think either of them would handle kids well

[Pottery]: well thats just rude

[Pottery]: I’ll have you know that im great with kid

[Timetingz]: whatever you say Dre 

[Gogysoft]: lmao

[Gogysoft]: Karl are you still not here?

[Timetingz]: im here just getting changed

[Pottery]: couldnt you do it at home?

[Timetingz]: I fell asleep at Quackitys house and stayed there the day 

[Gogysoft]: Simp 

[Timetingz]: nah 

[Timetingz]: I think that title belongs to you

[Pottery]: BAHAHAH

[Gogysoft]: I hate you two

[Timetingz]: why gogy D:

[Pottery]: you dont hate us gogy :(

[Gogysoft]: no you’re right I dont hate you two 

[Timetingz]: :D

[Gogysoft]: I despise you 

[Pottery]: :(

[Timetingz]: NOOOOOO

[Gogysoft]: Karl shut up and focus on changing everyone else is already here

[Timetingz]: yes mom

[Gogysoft]: I’m going to turn you to wood.

[Pottery]: Oo what kind

[Timetingz]: better not be spruce that shit sucks

[Gogysoft]: I’m surrounded by fucking idiots.

[Pottery]: you love this idiot :)

[Gogysoft]: unfortunately 

[Pottery]: KAHSKWJSKWJ

[Pottery]: RLWALLY???

[Pottery]: RElly???

[Gogysoft]: I wouldn’t have stuck around for so long if I didn’t at least like you, dream.

[Pottery]: OWHSKWNWLWHS

[Timetingz]: you broke him gogy

[Timetingz]: absolutely shattered him 

[Timetingz]: you hold so much power gogs

[Gogysoft]: lmao

DIRECT MESSAGES

6:47 PM

[Idiot]: did you really mean it?

[<3]: mean what 

[Idiot]: that you love me?

[<3]: I don’t say stuff I don’t mean, Dream  

[Idiot]: do you wanna like

[Idiot]: talk about it?

[<3]: not really

[<3]: you know I’m bad at expressing my feelings 

[Idiot]: please? 

[Idiot]: Im not going stop thinking about it till we do

[<3]: um

[<3]: okay fine

[Idiot]: YES!!

[<3]: after this mission though

[Idiot]: Thats fine!

[<3]: fuck now this is gonna be on my mind all night

[<3]: fuck you

[Idiot]: ilyt gogy <3

[<3]: .

[<3]: <3

[Iditot]: KWJSKWVSKQBAH

[<3 has deleted one message]

DIRECT MESSAGES

6:51 PM

[Dré]: [Image Sent]

[Dré]: sapnap im down so fucking bad

DIRECT MESSAGES

6:53 PM

[Hermes]: hey Chronos! Just wishing you luck on yours and Hypnos’s mission!

[Chronos]: aaaa thank you Hermes I hope we don’t die :D

[Hermes]: me too?

[Hermes]: I’ve got no clue how to respond to that

[Chronos]: lmao

DIRECT MESSAGES

6:55 PM

[Hermes]: hey Hypnos! Just wishing you luck on yours and Chronos’s mission!

[Hypnos]: don’t wish me luck

[Hypnos]: grant me patience

[Hypnos]: I’m about to stab Hypnos if he doesn’t show up in the next two minutes

[Hermes]: I-

[Hermes]: okay then?

[Hermes]: I hope you have patience??

GROUP CHAT: *disappears into bush* (except it’s the irls)

6:57 PM

[Timetingz]: IM HERE BITCHES

[Gogysoft]: fucking finally

[Pottery]: lmao took you long enough

GROUP CHAT: Team: Minor Melody

6:57 PM

[Apophis]: IM HERE BITCHES

[Iris]: Fucking finally.

[Aristaeus]: took you long enough

[Artemis]: lmao

——

“Drista?! Tommy?!”

“George?!”

“GOGY?!”

“Ranboo?!”

“…Karl?”

“And Tubbo!”

Chapter Text

The last thing Tommy had expected when he and his team had stepped into the meeting room was for Karl Jacobs and George fucking Notfound to be sitting next to each other on the right side of the Round Table. And by the older duo’s reaction, they clearly hadn’t expected it either.

“Drista?! Tommy?!” George yelped, jumping out of his seat with wide eyes.

“George?!” Drista practically screamed as she clung to Purpled’s jacket in shock

“GOGY?!” Tommy screamed (quite loudly), his wings puffing out.

Karl stared at the tallest of the group, eyes comically wide as well, though his reaction was thankfully quieter. “Ranboo?”

They were silent for a moment, hesitant to confirm their cousin’s suspicions. “…Karl?”

“And Tubbo!” The goat hybrid exclaimed as he jumped up and down in excitement, oblivious the commotion.

Purpled sighed, patting a confused and shaking Drista on the head before resting their hand on Tubbo’s shoulder to get the teen to stop hopping around, “Tubbo, calm down.”

They froze instantly, looking up at them with a sheepish grin, “Sorry, Purp.”

A cough sounded from the head of the Round Table and both teams froze, heads turning to look at their boss.

Hatshepsut was dressed in her classic HQ casual wear, a peach blouse and flowery long skirt that had gained Tubbo’s approval early on, the warm colors complimenting her brown hair. One of her simpler crowns sat on her head, the garnet’s and rubies inlaid in it matching the pink bracelets on her wrist. Her classic pure black sunglasses had been swapped with a pair of more fancy ones that sported more rubies and simple engravings on the rims.

“I see some of you are already familiar with each other,” She began when the room was finally quiet, “Which saves the need for extensive intros, I suppose. Though there are a few people here that I would hope you don’t recognize.”

Only then did the two teams seem to notice the other three people in the room, all sitting on the left side of the Table.

Closest to the boss sat a duo of what Tommy assumed to be senior agents, if the patches on their bodysuits were anything to signify their rank. The taller of the duo looked to be a feline hybrid, their cat ears giving away their heritage. Their hair was a beautiful ocean blue color and pulled back into two, long pig tails that seemed to flow like water. Their long, fluffy tail didn’t seem to fit the tail description of any common mob and was colored similarly to their hair and seemed to drip water that evaporated before hitting the ground. A vaguely amused look was on their face as their sky blue eyes took in the new arrivals and the antics they had gotten into twenty seconds in, mouth smirking around the lollipop they were sucking on. 

The shorter agent had ombré black to red hair woven into a thick, long braid that rested on their chest. Her wolf-like ears flattened against her head, wings folded behind her neatly, and a strange tail with X and arrow bits floating at its tip rested on the table. A diagonal scar ran across her right eye which was half covered by bangs, most likely the reason it was pure white and eerily still. Her other eye was unharmed and the forest green iris and strangely shaped pupil made Tommy shudder as she glanced at each of Tommy’s teammates with a calculating gaze.

The person farthest to the left looked more demon than human, their skin pitch black and long, red tipped horns protruding out of their forehead. Their arrow-head tail flicked back and forth, leathery wings opening and closing in the same rhythm. Unlike almost everyone else in the room, they weren’t wearing a bodysuit, instead they were dressed in a black and red hooded cloak that covered their entire body.

H nodded towards the three people and they began their introductions.

“Malice, otherwise known as Eris, genderfluid and multi-mythbrid. I’m an Undercover and a Cyber Specialist,” The wolf agent said, their words clipped and emotionless.

The feline agent’s smirk widened to a smile and they popped the lollipop out of their mouth, flicking Malice’s forehead before saying their bit. “Ever the introvert, Mal!” They turned to the two teams with twinkling eyes that didn’t quite calm their nerves when they noticed the agent’s strange, almost crosshatch pupils. “I’m Ailana, though you’ll be calling me Poseidon on missions! I use they and them pronouns, and I’m a water nymph! I’m normally a Sharpshooter but I can do most other jobs as well.”

“Well- Hello! My code name is Halo, I use he and they pronouns, and I’m a Nether demon,” Halo began with a sweet voice that contrasted his menacing appearance, “I used to work under cyber security but I’m currently the head weaponsmith of this branch!”

“Good! Any questions, you seven?” H asked, glancing at each of them briefly.

Everything shook their heads except Tubbo, who started waving a hand in the air enthusiastically. H nodded towards them with a smile.

“Malice, was it? I’ve never met a myth or multi-breed before, so, like, how does it work? What creatures are you a hybrid of?”

Tommy chuckled at the rapid fire words. It was very Tubbo-like question. 

Malice sighed and stood up, blue-tipped white wings unfurling behind her.

“Kitsune, owl, dragon, and I’m got some endermen as well,” She said, pointing to her ears, wings, and tail respectively, “as for how it works, I’ve got absolutely no clue. Maybe my mum was a player and a dated every creature she came across, or maybe I was some kind of failed science experment. I have no idea, my memory fucking sucks.”

Tubbo nodded, choosing to ignore Malice’s second reasoning for her heritage.

“Anything else, Aristaeus?”

Tubbo nodded and pointed at Ailana, the blue haired agent’s eyes lighting up with that strange twinkle again. “Ailana? As a water nymph, can you change how you look? Or do you only have one solid form?”

The agent in question laughed, a sound strangely similar to rushing water as their face melted and reformed into the face of each person before melting and reforming back into their original form.

“I can take whatever form I want, as long as I have a good enough visual picture and the energy to maintain it”

Tubbo nodded again, probably writing everything he was learning down in a mental notebook to be analyzed later. 

“And, um- last question I swear,” Tubbo assured as H rolled her eyes fondly, “Halo, do your Nether powers make being a weaponsmith easier?”

Halo nodded, igniting a small flame in their hand as they explained, “It does certainly make crafting much easier, but I also learned a lot about metals from a golem hybrid friend back in highscool, so a lot of the credit goes to them as well.”

Tubbo grinned as they sat back down next in between Ranboo and Tommy, their curiosity satisfied.

“Assuming there’s no more questions, Minor Melody, introductions please?” H prompted as she glanced towards Tommy and his team.

“Tommy, he and him, my code name is Apophis, I’ve got no specific role, and I’m an avian.”

“Tubbo! I use he and they and my code name is Aristaeus! I do some cyber stuff and most of the weapon building and I’m a goat hybrid!”

“Uh,  Ranboo, they and them, my code name is Lethe, I’m a Sharpshooter and a Getaway, and I’m half enderman and half something else.”

“I’m Drista and I use she and they pronouns. My code name is Artemis and I’m the co-leader of the team as well as a Bladeswoman and casual sniper. Oh, and I’m dreamon hybrid.”

“Purpled, they and them, code name Iris. Cyber Specialist, Sharpshooter, team leader, and an extra-terrestrial.”

H glanced at George and Karl next and the duo began their own introductions.

“I’m Karl, code name Chronos. I use he and they pronouns and I’m both a Bladesman and a Getaway since I’m a timeling and space-born.”

“George, code name Hypnos, and he and they pronouns as well. I’m a Cyber Specialist and Undercover, and I’m a faerie.”

Hatshepsut leaned back against her seat, satisfied with the introductions, and began explaining the premise of the mission.

“Basically, you’ll be taking down a group that has been making illegal weapons and distributing them to the violent mafia groups around Mojang,” She said as she handed out files for each agent to inspect, “Normally, since there are mafia groups involved in this, Hermes would also be here, but I don’t want his status being tainted. Therefore, I got as much info as I could regarding the groups from him instead. According to him, these groups run various fighting rings around Mojang and other large cities, a few members even run rings in other Games. They aren’t well liked by many of the larger mafia due to trafficking tendancies, so we shouldn’t run into issues with them once they are taken down.

There she paused for a second as she let the agents read over the info the files contained. 

“These files,” She paused again, gesturing to the lamenated pieces of paper, “Hold every bit of information Hermes, Eris, and Poseidon have gathered, along with descriptions of the various weapons held in the warehouse provided by Halo and the plan Poseidon and Eris came up with to infiltrate the warehouse.”

There was silence again before Tommy’s spoke up.

“That’s all fine and dandy, but why are these three here?” He asked, gesturing to the two senior agents and the weaponsmith.

H opened her mouth to explain, but Ailana beat her to it.

“This mission was technically mine and Mal’s,” They explained, glancing at their friend, “We’ve been studying both the mafia groups and the weapon makers trying to figure out the best way to take them down. H decided us two wouldn’t be enough for a whole warehouse full of bad guys, so she called you agents up for backup.”

“And I’m just here ‘cause I know the most about weapons!” Bad added cheerily, tail still flicking behind them.

“Exactly. Originally it was just supposed to be Hypnos, Chronos, and Prometheus, but due to, uhm- unforeseen circumstances , I decided to call Minor Melody out as well for some hands-on training and backup,” H clarified as she folded her hands neatly in her lap, “I have also called for two other agents, Bast and Alphito, to join you. They’re already at the warehouse and will be ready to carry out the plan at any given moment,” She pauses again, looking each agent in the eye, “It won’t be super dangerous, considering all ten of you are highly skilled and powerful agents, but I still want you all to keep your guards up and stay on high alert, alright?”

The ten agents voiced their understanding and the sound of shuffling paper filled the room as files were packed and handed back to H.

“Alright then, my agents. I wish you all luck. May Prime be with you.”

And with a snap of the sovereign’s fingers, the room was empty.

Chapter Text

7:38 AM

[TUBBEE has created THEY KNOW THEY KNOW]

[TUBBEE has added H2O, MaliciousIntent, LANGUAGE, and 9 more to the chat]

[TUBBEE]: o

[TUBBEE]: bad????

[LANGUAGE]: Hello Tubbo!

[TUBBEE]: wow ok

[TUBBEE]: ig thats 1 more person ik

[WifeHaver]: OH GODS ANOTHER ONE

[LANGUAGE]: huh?

[Vwoop]: Tubbo has a groupchat creating problem.

[Pinked]: can confirm, im in almost all of them

[Drissy]: can also confirm, im also in almost all of them

[WifeHaver]: CAN ALSO ALSOCONFIRM, IM ALSO ALSO IN ALMOST ALL OF THEM

[Vwoop]: im straight up in all of them

[TUBBEE]: I cant do anything w/o u boo

[Vwoop]: Tubbo I will cry

[TUBBEE]: pls dont I dont want u burning ur skin more

[LANGUAGE]: so what’s the purpose of this chat?

[TUBBEE]: I like u guys

[TUBBEE]: also I need to passive aggressively threaten gogy n karl not to expose the rest of my team

[Drissy]: awww

[Drissy]: thats so sweet of you!

[Antfrosting]: it’s also kinda scary

[RedVelvetCake]: ^^^

[Georeg]: drista 

[TUBBEE]: huh 

[TUBBEE]: would u look at that

[TUBBEE]: it’s George from the chaos gc

[TimeTravelsCutely]: heyo 

[TUBBEE]: and karl

[Vwoop]: it’s a small world

[Drissy]: nod

[Georeg]: drista

[Drissy]: aha heyyyy georgeeee

[Georeg]: does your brother know?

[Drissy]: nope! And I’d like it to stay that way!

[Georeg]: drista he’s going to find out at some point.

[Drissy]: I know I know just lemme tell him on my own terms please

[Georeg]: gods. fine.

[Drissy]: THANK YOU ILY GOGY

[Georeg]: instant regret

[TimeTravelsCutely]: like sister like brother lmao

[TUBBEE]: Karl? r u gonna rat any of us out?

[TimeTravelsCutely]: tbf the only person I really know is Ranboo and he doesn’t really have parents so-

[Vwoop]: yeh anyone I care about already knows anyways

[TimeTravelsCutely]: GASP

[TimeTravelsCutely]: DOES THAT MEAN YOU DONT CARE FOR ME D:

[Vwoop]: karl you’re the cousin I haven’t seen in over a year

[TimeTravelsCutely]: I hate when your right

[Antfrosting]: ten minutes in and we already have chaos!

[RedVelvetCake]: ant I feel like any gc with MM instantly falls into chaos

[TUBBEE]: I mean ur not wrong

[H2O]: oh nice a new gc

[H2O]: my phones gonna start blowing up again this is gonna be amazing

[LANGUAGE]: oh, hello Ailana!

[H2O]: Halo!!

[MaliciousIntent]: for the love of Prime

[MaliciousIntent]: why

[TUBBEE]: just bc

[H2O]: it’s the bee child!

[TUBBEE]: ailanaaaaaaa

[H2O]: tubbooooooooo

[Vwoop]: and Tommy!

[Drissy]: the chaos trio!!

[Georeg]: please not the Hamilton references

[TimeTravelsCutely]: poor George

[WifeHaver]: DOES POOR GOGY NOT LIKE HAMILTON???

[Georeg]: literally shut up child

[WifeHaver]: IM TALLER THAN YOU BITCH

[Georeg]: okay and you have the maturity of a three day old ferret.

[RedVelvetCake]: as someone who has an unneeded amount of ferret knowledge, I can confirm

[Antfrosting]: ^^^ 

[Pinked]: and this is my que to turn off notifs for this chat

[Pinked]: g’day

[MaliciousIntent]: bye purpled

[Pinked]: you and Tubbo are literally the only people I tolerate.

[Antfrosting]: what about me 

[RedVelvetCake]: ^ :(

[Pinked]: ant is okay but velvet is a disaster

[RedVelvetCake]: a gay disaster

[Pinked]: so like I guess Mal Tubbo and Ant are the only people I tolerate 

[TUBBEE]: AWWW PURPLED!!

[MaliciousIntent]: you’re decent.

[H2O]: mal stop being a tsundere

[MaliciousIntent]: wivekwbslqna

[Drissy]: lol I think you broke her  

[H2O]: him*

[Drissy]: oop sorry

[TUBBEE]: so just to be clear

[TUBBEE]: no 1 is ratting us out rite?

[TimeTravelsCutely]: yeye

[Georeg]: yeah

[LANGUAGE]: yup!

[Antfrosting]: I feel like I’m going to learn more about MM via mutual friends but yeah

[RedVelvetCake]: ^^^ :D

[TUBBEE]: ok pog

[Vwoop]: could y’all like

[Vwoop]: change your users to something similar to your name so I don’t mix you guys up?

[WifeHaver changed their name to Tomaye]

[Tomaye]: that is not a request it is an order

[Drissy]: chop chop everyone

[Vwoop]: guys please ;-;

[LANGUAGE has changed their name to Badboyhalo]

[Badboyhalo]: is this good, Ranboo?

[Vwoop]: mhm!

[TimeTravelsCutely has changed their name to Kral]

[Kral]: wait honk typo

[Vwoop]: it’s funny lol

[Kral]: well then I guess I’m keeping it lmao

[Georeg]: can I keep my name then?

[Vwoop]: mhm youre fine!

[MaliciousIntent]: then I’m guessing mines fine as well

[Vwoop]: yeah

[Vwoop]: Mal, George, Ant, and Velvet’s names are all fine :>

[H2O]: I’m terrible with names help me

[MaliciousIntent]: :|

[MaliciousIntent has changed H2O name to Ailana]

[Ailana]: :(

[TUBBEE has changed Ailana name to Lana]

[Lana]: :D

[Tomaye]: YOU GUYS LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY

[Georeg]: wow I’m so scared of a child

[Tomaye]: BITCH YOU WANNA GO????

[Georeg]: come at me gremlin 

[RedVelvetCake]: 🍿🍿🍿🍿

[Antfrosting]: 🍿🍿🍿🍿

[Badboyhalo]: guys please don’t fight ;-;

[TUBBEE]: listen 2 bad

[TUBBEE]: dont make me drag H in2 here 2 get u guys 2 calm down.

[Vwoop]: would now be a bad time to say that I know H personally?

[Drissy]: I’m sorry what

[Vwoop]: I’m just gonna

[Kral]: THEY WENT OFFLINE BAHAHAH

[TUBBEE]: @Vwoop u better tell me abt this later or I’m divorcing u

[Kral]: I’m sorry what

[Tomaye]: TUBBO EXPALIN YOURSLEF 

[Tomaye]: WHEN DID YOU AMRRY BOOB BOY

[Drissy]: is ran gonna have to turn on autocorrect for you too Tommy?

[Tomaye]: DRSITA SHUT UP

[TUBBEE]: drsita

[Kral]: drsita

[Georeg]: drsita

[MaliciousIntent]: drsita

[Lana]: drsita

[Antfrosting]: drsita

[RedVelvetCake]: drsita 

[Badboyhalo]: …

[Badboyhalo]: Drsita.

[Drissy has changed their name to Drsita]

[Tomaye]: I hate you all.

[Kral]: oh my gods he used proper punctuation

[Georeg]: the world is ending

[Tomaye]: HSUT UPY OUNLITTLE BIRXH 

[Drsita]: y’see

[Drsita]: yelling at us is not nearly as effective if we don’t understand what your saying Tommy

[Badboyhalo]: “Shut up you little (language)!”

[Lana]: how.

[Badboyhalo]: years of practice.

[TUBBEE]: Skeppy types like hes having a stroke 24/7

[TUBBEE]: its kinda funny

[Antfrosting]: I see I was right about the mutual friend bit-

[MaliciousIntent]: I probably type worse when I’m sleep deprived.

[MaliciousIntent]: which is like

[MaliciousIntent]: 62% of the time

[Lana]: can confirm I get a lot of text from him when he’s sleep deprived

[Lana]: I can rarely decipher them

[MaliciousIntent]: and by Prime am I happy about that 

[TUBBEE]: im curious now

[TUBBEE]: who here has the worst typing

[Georeg]: I think the list would be like

[Georeg]: Tommy, Tubbo, Malice, Drista, Karl, Lana, Ranboo, Me, Purpled, and Bad.

[Georeg]: I genuinely have no clue about Velvet or Ant but they have decent writing most of the time so

[RedVelvetCake]: lol

[Kral]: looks about right 

[TUBBEE]: idk why im not surprised im 2nd

[TUBBEE]: its the dyslexia innit

[Georeg]: yup

[Badboyhalo]: my typing really isn’t that good ;-;

[Drsita]: no it deff is

[Kral]: can confirm 

[Georeg]: yeah I’ve read through the entire log of the chaos gc and you haven’t made a single typo, grammar error, or punctuation error.

[TUBBEE]: yup

[Tomaye]: IM BTTER THAN YOU AT SOMETHING GOGY HAHA

[Georeg]: not even gonna try at this point

[Georeg]: anyways don’t most of us have school in like half an hour??

[Tomaye]: OH FUCK OH SHIT OH PRIME

[Georeg]: gonna take that as a yes 

[TUBBEE]: boo get ur pretty face over here and tp me to school

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: THEY KNOW THEY KNOW

8:00 AM

[Georeg]: anyways don’t most of us have school in like half an hour??

[Tomaye]: OH FUCK OH SHIT OH PRIME

[Georeg]: gonna take that as a yes 

[TUBBEE]: boo get ur pretty face over here and tp me to school

[TUBBEE]: @Vwoop

[TUBBEE]: oh theyre already here

[Drsita]: Ranboo could take over the world if they wanted to

[Tomaye]: They could

[Tomaye]: ran can you please

[TUBBEE]: we r outside ur house toms

[Drsita]: me too please ;-;

[TUBBEE]: ye give us a second

[TUBBEE]: @Pinked wbu?

[Pinked]: I’m already at school don’t worry about me.

[TUBBEE]: kk

[TUBBEE]: Dris we r in ur driveway

[Drsita]: pog lemme get my bag and I’ll be right out :D

[Georeg]: fast mf

[Kral]: fear my cousin

[Antfrosting]: are they like you?

[Kral]: nope Ranboo’s just a space-born

[Kral]: two generations off I think

[Kral]: their grandma is Space if I’m not mistaken

[Lana]: holy shit thats powerful

[MaliciousIntent]: says the literal child of the sea 

[Georeg]: lmao wait till you hear what Karl is

[Kral]: George please-

[MaliciousIntent]: tell me I’m curious now

[Kral]: fine

[Kral]: I’m a direct descendant of Time 

[Kral]: and my grandma is Space

[Lana]: H O W

[Georeg]: my teammates a powerful bitch

[MaliciousIntent]: so like your mom/dad was Time and your mortal parent was a child of Space?

[Kral]: basically yeah

[MaliciousIntent]: damn

[MaliciousIntent]: wanna spar one day? 

[Kral]: Oo yeah

[Kral]: I’ve always wanted to fight a multi-breed 

[MaliciousIntent]: pog

[Lana]: can I watch?

[MaliciousIntent]: ofc bestie

[Lana]: :D

[RedVelvetCake]: I’m watching too and I’m bringing popcorn

[Lana]: lmao

[Badboyhalo]: well im off!

[Badboyhalo]: I’ve got a lot of work to get done, plus a new set of trainees are supposed to come in today ;-;

[Antfrosting]: ughh don’t remind me Velvet and I have a set of trainees coming in today too

[Antfrosting]: why do we get trainees that know nothing about parkour 

[RedVelvetCake]: parkour is hard so I kinda get it but what I don’t understand is why we get trainees with zero survival skills

[MaliciousIntent]: lol good luck guys

[Lana]: I’ll come help if im free :D

[Georeg]: don’t die

[Kral]: ^ gl!

[MaliciousIntent]: Lana im omw your class starts in like ten minutes

[Lana]: youre the best ily /p

[Kral]: ah yes love

[Kral]: a magical thing 

[Georeg]: Karl stop being cryptic and help me not miss class

[Kral]: omw bestie

[Kral]: I’ve got the other two idiots in tow

[Georeg]: ily but why

[Kral]: im sorry gogy I can’t just leave sap and wherever he goes dre follows

[Georeg]: remind me again why I joined this team

[Kral]: technically you didn’t

[Kral]: sap picked us as his teammates because he was the only one not having a hangover on Selection Day

[Georeg]: I have so many regrets 

[Kral]: well you’re about to have another

[Kral]: I’m outside your house and dre is having a mental breakdown cause apparently you two are supposed to talk about something post-mission

[Georeg]: .

[Georeg]: I could just skip today

[Kral]: too late!

[Georeg]: HOLY FUCKING SHIT KARL I TOLD YOU TO STOP MAKING RIFTS IN MY HOUSE YOU FUCKING ARSE

[Kral]: it’s time to face your demons George! There’s no escape!

8:25 AM

[Pinked]: well I just watched that go down

[Pinked]: gotta love when the wingman gets tired of the shit they go through

DIRECT MESSAGES

8:27 AM

[Idiot]: george :(

[Idiot]: you said we could talk after your mission :(

[<3]: I know Dream but not in front of the others

[<3]: and preferably over text

[Idiot]: aww is gogy shy?

[<3]: no I just don’t want to say something I’ll regret

[<3]: I’m notorious for that

[Idiot]: you know I wouldn’t care

[<3]: but I would dream

[<3]: I’d rather be able to think over what I say before I say it

[Idiot]: gods fine

[Idiot]: just please don’t lie?

[<3]: alright

[Idiot]: after classes then?

[<3]: yeah 

[Idiot]: ily! Have a good day!

[<3]: you too dream

——

You idiot. How am I supposed to get over you if you keep messing with my mind like that?

——

GROUPCHAT: Constant Chaos + Puffy

3:23 PM

[Nukes:D]: finally

[Nukes:D]: school is over 

[DuckInLaw]: gods I feel you

[DuckInLaw]: I had so much to catch up on since I missed yesterday 

[LANGUAGE]: Try dealing with a bunch of young teens running around with half melted rods of iron in hand and trying to fence with said rods.

[Therapuffy]: Minx got food poisioning from the food at the restaurant yesterday so Niki and I stayed home to take care of her :(

[GayTeakettle]: my crush said they would talk to me after school but hasn’t ;-;

[Arson]: Karl and I both had to stay late at college to catch up on what we missed

[Arson]: which was hard to say the least cause both of us now have broken arms

[Therapuffy]: w h a t 

[ShinyRock]: I had to give Finn so many stones I started fucking bleeding

[ShinyRock]: hello?

[ShinyRock]: lmao everyone died

[Therapuffy]: no we’re all alive

[Therapuffy]: just wondering how to exorcise the demon that possessed you

[ShinyRock]: wdym???

[GayTeakettle]: your texts

[Arson]: theyre readable 

[ShinyRock]: o that?

[ShinyRock]: nah I just made a bet with Spifey

[ShinyRock]: he said I couldnt type properly even if I tried 

[ShinyRock]: I said I could and he said hed give me a raise if I did

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy you’re literally made of diamonds.

[ShinyRock]: look bad, money is money

[LANGUAGE]: I cannot believe you.

[LANGUAGE]: and since when have you still been in contact with the other IDots?

[ShinyRock]: bad we literally run a fashion line

[ShinyRock]: I send you all our new stuff every month

[LANGUAGE]: so thats where all those nice clothes came from

[ShinyRock]: Im done.

[DuckInLaw]: who the fuck are spifey and finn I need to worship them for fixing your typing

[Therapuffy]: to be honest I think it’s just an excuse for the author to stop bursting brain cells trying to write for skeppy but pop off ig

[Arson]: wha-

[Therapuffy has deleted one message]

[Therapuffy]: hmm?

[Nukes:D]: I feel like u n purp would get along v well

[LANGUAGE]: I fear what would happen to the world if Purpled and Puffy met.

[Therapuffy]: who is this purpled and why do I not know them?

[Nukes:D]: uh.

[LANGUAGE]: aha my boss is calling for me I gotta go bye

[Nukes:D]: what he said

[DuckInLaw]: logged off so quick

[GayTeakettle]: I think thats the first time I saw Bad not use punctuation what is this

[Anarchy]: tactical retreat

[Therapuffy]: hello techno!

[Anarchy]: hello father 2.0

[DuckInLaw]: what

[Therapuffy]: im slowly adopting the entire groupchat

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: Constant Chaos + Puffy

3:40 PM

[Therapuffy]: hello techno!

[Anarchy]: hello father 2.0

[DuckInLaw]: what

[Therapuffy]: im slowly adopting the entire groupchat

[Arson]: why do I feel like youre not joking

[GayTeakettle]: [Image Sent]

[DuckInLaw]: are those

[DuckInLaw]: are those literal adoption certificates?!

[Therapuffy]: I dont go half assed

[GayTeakettle]: that and me and my sister are technically not 18 so it works for all three of us

[Arson]: huh is that why principal Smajor stopped bothering you last week?

[GayTeakettle]: yuh

[Arson]: huh.

[Arson]: interesting.

[Therapuffy]: Foolish was so happy to have a younger brother and sister

[Therapuffy]: he started building a temple for you two!

[GayTeakettle]: aw thats so nice of him

[Arson]: wait foolish

[Arson]: foolish as in god of undying foolish

[Arson]: master architect foolish

[Therapuffy]: thats my son :D

[DuckInLaw]: puffy just how powerful are you?

[Therapuffy]: uh lemme see

[Therapuffy]: Im a therapist and ex-pirate, one of my girlfriends is a succubus and my other owns the largest bakery chain in Mojang, all three of us are semi-immortal thanks to Foolish, four of my children are gods/goddesses, another is a godling, and the last is an admin, one of my bonds is Mojangs resident sovereign and the other is an op ghost who can control plants like nobodys business

[Therapuffy]: I think thats all

[Arson]: holy shit

[Arson]: remind me never to get on your bad side

[DuckInLaw]: “never mess with Puffy Captain” noted

[Therapuffy]: im really not that strong honestly, I just ran into a lot of the right people and treated them right

[DuckInLaw]: thats

[DuckInLaw]: thats actually like really sweet

[Nukes:D]: im just gonna say thats the same thing purp said when we brought up his op fam

[Nukes:D]: so like

[Nukes:D]: I fear the puffy-purp duo even more rn

[Arson]: okay valid though

[Arson]: I know purpleds siblings and mfs are so damn powerful

[DuckInLaw]: I’m afraid to ask for and explanation 

[Arson]: punz is a top 10 mercenare, ponk has op healing powers, and Hannah is like puffys bond ghost but alive

[DuckInLaw]: what

[Arson]: ponks bf is the creator of the Warden and Hannah is just casually bffs with this ex-pirate and two admins

[Arson]: wait

[Arson]: PUFFY???

[Therapuffy]: took ya long enough

[Therapuffy]: yes I am the ex-pirate

[Therapuffy]: Hannah xxrose bedwars bff

[Therapuffy]: and ive got the wither rose corsage to prove it

[DuckInLaw]: holy shit

[DuckInLaw]: I don’t even know who this purpled kid is but if he and puffy because friends the world would fucking end

[Therapuffy]: I love how you guys just assume im not already friends with purpled 

[LANGUAGE]: @Georeg Quick, George! We need a memory wipe!

[Therapuffy]: why?

[LANGUAGE]: The world will end if you and purpled are friends.

[Therapuffy]: oh my gods fine I was just joking

[Therapuffy]: Hannah refuses to let me meet any of her siblings anyways smh

[LANGUAGE]: Good.

[Arsob]: good

[DuckInLaw]: g o o d 

DIRECT MESSAGES

4:12 PM

[Cara]: HELP 

[Redacted]: ???

[Cara]: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN THIS ONE GC KEEP SAYING THE WORLD WOULD END IF WE WERE FRIENDS

[Cara]: AND I JUST HAVE TO SIT HERE AND PRETEND I DONT KNOW YOU

[Redacted]: okay that’s actually hilarious

[Cara]: HEEEEEEELP

[Cara]: I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE IM CRACKING UP

[Cara]: PURPLED PLEASE WHAT DO I DO

[Redacted]: tell them???

[Cara]: KIDDO I TRIED BUT BAD LEGIT @‘D A FAERIE TO GIVE ME A MEMORY WIPE

[Cara]: THEY ARE SO CONVINCED THE WORLD WOULD END IF WE BECAME FRIENDS

[Redacted]: I’m laughing so hard

[Redacted]: how did you manage to end up in a groupchat with these people

[Cara]: okay look the author thought it would be funny so I went with it

[Redacted]: I mean fair point

[Redacted]: please do keep me updated though I haven’t laughed this hard in ages

[Cara]: o7

GROUPCHAT: THEY KNOW THEY KNOW

4:28 PM

[Kral]: okay I feel like we should actually talk about the mission before H asks for the full debrief

[Georeg]: for the first time, I agree with Karl

[Georeg]: I don’t think H is going to be very pleased if we start the brief off with “we ran into the warehouse screaming”

[Drsita]: in our defense, that was just Tommy 

[MaliciousIntent]: okay fair but Lana did ax kick the door down too so

[Lana]: maaaaaaaaal :(

[MaliciousIntent]: sorry but it’s true

[Lana]: betrayed by my own bestie 

[TUBBEE]: what a sad sad life

[Vwoop]: Tubbo I’m sorryyyyyyy 

[TUBBEE]: do not talk to me 

[TUBBEE]: im giving u the cold shoulder

[Vwoop]: I’ve been given the cold shoulder by my very own husband 

[Vwoop]: this is so sad

[Tomaye]: L!!!!

[Lana]: I’m starting a support group

[Lana]: wanna join Lethe?

[Vwoop]: please

[Kral]: @Pinked please help wrangle your idiots 

[Pinked]: bold of you to assume I’ve claimed them as mine

[Drsita]: D:

[Tomaye]: HEY :(

[Pinked]: bold of you to assume I’ve claimed all of them as mine

[Pinked has left the group]

[Drsita has added Pinked to the group]

[Pinked has muted Pinked indefinitely ]

[Vwoop]: bruh

[MaliciousIntent]: teach me your ways Iris

DIRECT MESSAGES

4:42 PM

[Iris]: okay so basically

[Iris]: how-to-mute-yourself.com

[Eris]: thank you

GROUPCHAT: THEY KNOW THEY KNOW 

4:43 PM

[MaliciousIntent has muted MaliciousIntent indefinitely ]

[Lana]: Mal no :(

[Kral]: @Pinked @MaliciousIntent please just cooperate for like 10 minutes so we can figure out what to tell H I really don’t want to get fired 

[Kral has unmuted Pinked & MaliciousIntent]

[Pinked]: you have ten minutes

[Kral]: thank gods

[Kral]: okay Purpled since you were around the main scene most of the time we’re going with your pov

[Pinked]: uh sure 

[Pinked]: We arrived at the warehouse and met up with Ant and Velvet who helped us scout the perimeter a bit.

[Antfrostinf]: hi Velvet and I are busy right now but we’ll add if we need to!

[Kral]: pog ty

[Pinked]: anyways- we scouted the perimeter a bit and everything seemed normal so we give Lana and Tommy the go-ahead to enter

[Pinked]: I expected them to like climb through a window or something, not crescent kick the front door down and scream bloody murder

[Georeg]: I don’t think any of us were expecting that

[Pinked]: true

[Pinked]: after Tommy and Lana announced our presence, Drista, Mal, Velvet, Ant, and I entered the warehouse and made a beeline for where the weapons should’ve been

[Pinked]: I’m not sure what happened, but clearly someone was expecting us because the weapons were not there

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: THEY KNOW THEY KNOW

4:46 PM

[Pinked]: after Tommy and Lana announced our presence, Drista, Mal, and I entered the warehouse and made a beeline for where the weapons should’ve been

[Pinked]: I’m not sure what happened, but clearly someone was expecting us because the weapons were not there

[Pinked]: Bad showed up and did some investigating

[BadBoyHalo]: Hello! o/

[Pinked]: hey Bad

[Pinked]: and at first there wasn’t anything, but Bad found gunpowder trails that we followed to a manhole

[Pinked]: Ranboo and Tubbo showed up with sewer safe explosives and Karl also showed up at some point

[Pinked]: we attempted to navigate the sewers but it was a literal labyrinth so we gave up and let Bad lead

[Pinked]: Bad had managed to pick up a signal from a group of online weapons so we chased after those and ran into a lab-like room

[Pinked]: most agents stayed behind, but Mal, Ranboo, and Karl investigated the building and I joined them after Ranboo doubled back asking for help opening this one door

[Pinked]: i melted the door and the room inside was just full of torture devices?

[Pinked]: Ranboo started panicking so Mal picked them up while me and the others looked around the room

[Pinked]: it was not fun and very triggering aha

[Pinked]: we took notes and eventually Lana called us and said they found the weapons, so we found the room they were in and did the deeds

[Pinked]: we are all a bit shaken from the torture room so we kinda just skeedadled the fuck outta there but we ran into this blob monster sort of thing

[Pinked]: it reminded me a lot of like a mega Grimer from Pokemon honestly and it was very off-putting 

[Pinked]: my acid was basically useless against it and Lana’s water would kinda just slide off it so we left the Grimer to Karl and George to handle

[Pinked]: George managed to make it explode but not before it had wrapped itself around Karls arm and just- snapped it clean in half

[Pinked]: so uh yeah

[Pinked]: Ranboo and Mal got us out of there and Karl stayed conscious long enough to drop us off at a safe house

[Georeg]: I want to be angry because the only reason Karl is even going to be able to still use his arm is because I’ve been practicing healing glyphs, but at the same time it literally wasn’t his fault.

[Kral]: it’s okay gogy seriously I’m just glad you were there

DIRECT MESSAGES

5:02 PM

[Gogy!]: Karl you don’t understand

[TimeBoi]: then help me understand George

[Gogy!]: when that Grimer thing snapped your arm, you blacked out, but you were screaming so badly

[Gogy!]: it hurt Karl because I could feel your magic reaching out and I couldn’t do anything other than watch you scream

[TimeBoi]: again, it’s not your fault George

[TimeBoi]: we’re gcia agents getting hurt is part of the job description

[Gogy!]: I know that but like

[Gogy!]: please don’t brush it off so easily 

[Gogy!]: I don’t know how to explain how it felt to you, but your screams were ripping me apart

[TimeBoi]: I’m sorry George

[TimeBoi]: I’ll be more careful next time

[Gogy!]: you better be idiot 

[Gogy!]: I’m not handling that ever again

GROUPCHAT: THEY KNOW THEY KNOW

5:20 PM

[Kral]: okay we officially have our story straight 

[Kral]: we snuck into the warehouse only to find it empty, followed gunpowder trails to a secret lab, found the guns, got out of there unscathed until I was a clumsy idiot that failed basic parkour 

[Kral]: everyone got it?

5:25 PM

[Kral]: I’ll take the silence as a yes

[Kral]: look alive bitches I’m adding H

[Kral has added Hatshepsut to the to the chat]

[Hatshepsut]: Hello.

[Kral]: Hey H! This is the gc the team from last nights mission made to communicate

[Kral]: we figured it would be better to just brief you over text instead of having to clear schedules to meet up again.

[Hatshepsut]: Great idea, Chronos. 

[Hatshepsut]: So how did the mission go?

[Pinked]: Everything went fine until we entered the warehouse and found it empty

[Pinked]: I think we were compromised, xir

[Hatshepsut]: Iris, I presume?

[Pinked]: yes xir, sorry for the informal nickname

[Hatshepsut]: All good, this is a personal groupchat so I don’t expect code names.

[Hatshepsut]: Now what’s this about being compromised?

[Pinked]: well we did a perimeter check before entering and everything was fine

[Pinked]: but when we actually entered the warehouse, it was empty of the weapons that were supposed to be there

[Pinked]: Halo was able to find gunpowder trails that lead us through the sewers to a secret lab/base area of sorts.

[Pinked]: the team investigated it and we found a few concerning things along with the weapons that we took note of

[Pinked]: [DNDplans.private.doc]

[Pinked]: ignore the name, it’s a safety precaution

[Hatshepsut]: Smart.

[Pinked]: anyways we took note of those things before the weapons were found and destroyed

[Pinked]: and we were able to come out unharmed

[Kral]: and I was a bit of an idiot and failed basic parkour ;-;

[Hatshepsut]: ah I see.

[Hatshepsut]: I’ll contact HQ to investigate this compromising business and the other things you noted.

[Hatshepsut]: I’ve seen torture devices before, but what concerns me is this ‘Grimer look-alike’ that chased you and was powerful enough to snap a timeling’s arm in half.

[Kral]: wait what

[Hatshepsut]: your story was very convincing, but you forgot to clear the chat history.

[Kral]: oh

[Hatshepsut]: it also helped that I’ve been reading over Ranboo’s shoulder for the entirety of the conversation 

[Vwoop]: sorry guys they kinda insisted

[TUBBEE]: ive never felt more betrayed in my life

[Vwoop]: I’m sorryyyyyy

[Hatshepsut]: please do not blame Ranboo, if I hadn’t found out through the chat history or reading over his shoulder, I would’ve found out in another way.

[Hatshepsut]: on that note, mandatory lesson on covering your tracks Saturday at 10 AM, don’t be late!

[Hatshepsut has left the chat]

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: THEY KNOW THEY KNOW 

5:52 PM

[Hatshepsut]: please do not blame Ranboo, if I hadn’t found out through the chat history or reading over his shoulder, I would’ve found out in another way.

[Hatshepsut]: on that note, mandatory lesson on covering your tracks Saturday at 10 AM, don’t be late!

[Hatshepsut has left the chat]

[RedVelvetCake]: well.

[RedVelvetCake]: we tried besties.

[Antfrosting]: better luck next time o7

[Pinked]: Time to yeet myself out a window.

[Tomaye]: PURPLED NO

[Tomaye]: YOURE THE ONLY PERSON WHO UNDERSTANDS ME DONT LEAVE

[TUBBEE]: and now im mildly offended

[Antfrosting]: welcome to my life.

[RedVelvetCake]: babeeee noooooo i appreciate you thoughhhhhh :(

[Antfrosting]: <3

[ResVelvetCake]: <3

[Georeg]: people in an established and healthy relationship

[Georeg]: disgusting

[TUBBEE]: that reminds me

GROUPCHAT: Constant Chaos + Puffy

5:43 PM

[Nukes:D has added Antfrosting and RedVelvetCake to the chat]

[Nukes:D]: fellow lgbtq+ members

[Nukes:D]: I present the gayest people in existence

[Anarchy]: press x to doubt

[GayTeakettle]: X

[Georeg]: X

[Arson]: X

[DuckInLaw]: X

[TimeTravelsCutely]: X

[ShinyRock]: X

[LANGUAGE]: Skeppy said I’m supposed to say X.

[Anarchy]: case in point ^

[Antfrosting]: Velvet, babe, they’re doubting us…

[RedVelvetCake]: I can see that babe

[RedVelvetCake]: what do we do

[Antfrosting]: what do we always do to the doubters?

[RedVelvetCake]: on it babe

6:02 PM

[Therapuffy]: yknow when I saw I had 100+ notifs from this chat

[Therapuffy]: I didnt expect them all to just be.

[Therapuffy]: Ant and Velvet

[Therapuffy]: two random people Tubbo added from out of no where

[Therapuffy]: flirting to prove that theyre the most gay people in existence

[RedVelvetCake]: did it work tho

[Therapuffy]: …

[Therapuffy has changed RedVelvetCake name to RedVelvetGay]

[Therapuffy has changed Antfrosting name to Antgay]

[Therapuffy]: it did

[Therapuffy]: it absolutely did

[Therapuffy]: and now I need holy water and eye bleach because holy shit you guys dont hold back

[RedVelvetGay]: babe we did it

[Antgay]: we did babe

[Antgay]: we did

[Anarchy]: okay now please stop flirting we don’t need another Dream and George 

[Arson]: oh to be able to unsee

[TimeTravelsCutely]: everyday I wish I was friends with a memory demon, if only to rid my mind of these terrible thoughts that plague me

[Anarchy]: big words, I’m proud.

[GayTeakettle]: I feel like I should be offended but im honestly just not

[DuckInLaw]: KINDLY GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER YOU USELESS FUCKING GAYS

[Therapuffy]: youre one to talk

[DuckInLaw]: shut

[Therapuffy]: no I dont think I will

[Therapuffy]: yknow what group therapy time Minx has been teaching me some stuff

[Therapuffy]: raise your hand if your in an established and healthy relationship

[Nukes:D]: o/

[TimeTravelsCutely]: o/

[Arson]: o/

[Antgay]: o/

[RedVelvetGay]: o/

[Therapuffy]: okay now raise your hand if you have a crush on someone but your not dating them because your too much of a chicken to ask them out

6:24 PM

[DuckInLaw]: …

[DuckInLaw]: I’m taking one for the team here 

[DuckInLaw]: o/

[ShinyRock]: o/

[GayTeakettle]: o/

[Georeg]: o/

[Arson]: o/

[TimeTravelsCutely]: o/

[TimeTravelsCutely]: Sapnap dms now

[LANGUAGE]: I was told by Finn to say o/ 

[Therapuffy]: and there’s our issue

[Therapuffy]: see there are thirteen people in this chat

[Therapuffy]: of that thirteen, only six are in an established relationship, two of which have both partners in this chat

[Therapuffy]: and of that thirteen, seven have a crush on someone they have yet to ask out because of self confidence issues or something similar

[Anarchy]: listen in my defense I’m aroace

[Therapuffy]: oh sorry um

[Therapuffy]: of the twelve people in this chat who are willing to peruse a romantic relationship

[Anarchy]: thanks puffy

[Therapuffy]: <3

[Therapuffy]: of the twelve people in this chat who are willing to peruse a romantic relationship

[Therapuffy]: only six are in an established one, not including me

[Therapuffy]: and seven are too shy or something similar to ask out their crush

[GayTeakettle]: is the point of this exercise to just reiterate Quackitys get your shit together thing?

[Therapuffy]: yes and no

[Therapuffy]: yes because he is right you guys do need to get your shit together

[Therapuffy]: and no because I honestly just wanted to point out how many useless gays we truly have in this chat

[TimeTravelsCutely]: understandable have a nice day

DIRECT MESSAGES

6:25 PM

[HotStuff]: Karl listen

[TimelessLove]: im not mad sap just answer me honestly 

[HotStuff]: ???

[TimelessLove]: Is it Q?

[HotStuff]: um

[TimelessLove]: I swear on my pocket watch I wont be upset or mad

[HotStuff]: um

[HotStuff]: yeah it is

[TimelessLove]: okay good cause same

[HotStuff]: wait what

[TimelessLove]: sap listen you would be crazy not to think Q isnt the least bit hot

[HotStuff]: hey I thought that was me :(

[TimelessLove]: Sap

[TimelessLove]: youre the handsome one

[TimelessLove]: Im the cute one

[TimelessLove]: and Q is the hot one

[TimelessLove]: that is simply the way the cookie crumbles

[HotStuff]: honestly I cant disagree cause youre right

[HotStuff]: but like

[HotStuff]: what are we gonna do about this?

[TimelessLove]: well my current plan was to become closer to him then ask him out

[TimelessLove]: after explaining everything to you ofc

[TimelessLove]: so ig now the plan is both of us growing closer to him?

[HotStuff]: agreed

[HotStuff]: I bet I can make him fall for me first

[TimelessLove]: biTCH

GROUPCHAT: Constant Chaos + Puffy

8:32 AM

[Nukes:D]: good morning besties 

[Nukes:D]: the gods have let me live another day n im abt to make that every1s problem :D

[Nukes:D]: if any1 asks where I am im going to my lab

[GayTeakettle]: should we be concerned?

[Anarchy]: probably 

[Therapuffy]: tubbo please dont do anything stupid

[Therapuffy]: tubbo?

[Anarchy]: too late

[TimeTravelsCutely]: I sense an imbalance in the forces of the gameverse 

[Anarchy]: well the gods have apparently let Tubbo live another day so

[TimeTravelsCutely]: …

[TimeTravelsCutely]: we’re all gonna die!

GROUPCHAT: Minor Melody

8:35 AM

[Aristaeus]: hmmm im thinking of doing something stupid…

[Lethe]: don’t do it tubbo

[Lethe]: Tubbo

[Lethe]: Tubbo?

[Iris]: oh shit

[Artemis]: oh shit indeed

[Lethe]: TUBBO

Chapter Text

GROUPCHAT: Minor Melody

8:35 AM

[Aristaeus]: hmmm im thinking of doing something stupid…

[Lethe]: don’t do it tubbo

[Lethe]: Tubbo

[Lethe]: Tubbo?

[Iris]: oh shit

[Artemis]: oh shit indeed

[Lethe]: TUBBO

DIRECT MESSAGES

8:35 AM

[Vwoop]: TUBBO?

GROUPCHAT: Minor Melody

8:36 AM

[Lethe]: TUBBO WHAT THE FUCK

[Lethe]: TUBBO??

[Apophis]: I am concerned 

GROUPCHAT: NEKO-NEKO-KNEECAPS

8:36 AM

[Rananaboo]: HAS ANYONE SEEN TUBBO???

[Prune]: Ranboo are you okay?

[Rananaboo]: TUBBO????

[Rananaboo]: THE PARTNER’S ADRENALINE IS KICKING IN OH GODS

[Prune]: I’ll take that as a no

GROUPCHAT: B(itch)ENCH TRIO!!!

8:37 AM

[RW]: ranboo seriously breathe

[RW]: tubbo will be fine

[BW]: I CAN SEE EVERY EQUATION

DIRECT MESSAGES

8:38 AM

[123***0015]: TUBBO I SWEAR TO GOD

[123***0015] WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL FOR YOU TO PICK UP YOUR PHONE???

[Dreameth]: uh- wrong number??

[Dreameth]: But if your talking about Tubbo Underscore-Beloved then ig I know where he is-

[123***0015]: WHERE IS HE??

[Dreameth]: wait arent you afraid I might be like a psychopath or some shit?

[123***0015]: I DONT CARE 

[123***0015]: WHERE IS MY HUSBAND??

[Dreameth]: wut

GROUPCHAT: Constant Chaos + Puffy

8:40 AM

[GayTeakettle has added 123***0015 to the chat]

[GayTeakettle has changed 123***0015 name to Oreeo]

[GayTeakettle]: everyone this is ranboo

[GayTeakettle]: Tubbos platonic partner

[Oreeo]: TUBBO?????

[GayTeakettle]: currently ranboo is not okay™ 

[Oreeo]: HAS ANYONE SEEN TUBBO

[Oreeo]: HES ABOUT THIS TALL, CLEARLY GAY BUT WE HAVENT HAD THE TALK YET

[DuckInLaw]: I know this shouldnt be funny but I’m fucking wheezing

[Therapuffy]: ranboo please we will find tubbo 

DIRECT MESSAGES

8:43 AM

[LilSovereign]: RET HAVE YOU SEEN TUBBO

[KingShit]: no?

[KingShit]: what’s wrong boo?

[LilSovereign]: I CANT FIND HIM ANYWHERE

DIRECT MESSAGES

8:44 AM

[Vwoop]: TUBBO???????

[Vwoop]: TUBBO PLEASE ANSWER ME IM REALLY WORRIED

GROUPCHAT: THEY KNOW THEY KNOW

8:45 AM

[Vwoop]: HAS ANYONE SEEN TUBBO??

[Lana]: Mal and I haven’t heard from him since yesterday

[RedVelvetCake]: same for me and Ant

[Lana]: sorry boo :(

GROUPCHAT: B(itch) TRIO!!!

8:46 AM

[RW]: @BW I cant believe im saying this but calm down boo

[BW]: Tommy you don’t understand I can’t

[BW]: Tubbo said he was thinking of putting in the eye and ear soon

[BW]: for all we know he could be bleeding out on a lab floor

[RW]: okay yeah no thats not good

GROUPCHAT: NEKO-NEKO-KNEECAPS

8:48 AM

[Tomato]: @everyone LISTEN UP WE ARE GOING TO SEARCH EVERY ONE OF TUBBOS LABS STARTING FROM THE ONE CLOSEST TO HQ

[Dragonfruit]: is this really needed though?

[Rananaboo]: drista my husband is in one of his many labs spread across Mojang cutting off his ear and gouging his eye out for science

[Rananaboo]: don’t you you tell me what is and isnt needed

[Dragonfruit]: adding angry Ranboo to my list of fears

[Prune]: I live closest to HQ so I’ll look around the northern and eastern parts of downtown

[Tomato]: okay good ill look through southern and western parts

[Rananaboo]: I live on the outskirts of the city so I’ll check the labs that are closer to the country side

[Dragonfruit]: uh

[Dragonfruit]: then I guess I’ll check uptown Mojang?

[Prune]: yeah that checks

[Prune]: everyone move out, I’ll ping for periodic updates

[Rananaboo]: wait I think I can get a few more people to help us out

[Rananaboo]: code word is ‘bee’ guys

GROUPCHAT: Constant Chaos + Puffy

9:01 AM

[Oreeo]: @everyone sorry for the ping but my friends and I organized a search party of sorts to find Tubbo

[Oreeo]: if you want to join, those who live on the outskirts look for a monochrome ender hybrid, uptown people look for a blonde dreamon hybrid, south/west downtown people look for a blond avian, and north/east downtown people look for a blond purple-themed alien 

[Oreeo]: code word is bees

[Therapuffy]: this is strangely organized for a couple of teens but I live uptown so I’ll look for the blonde dreamon hybrid

[Oreeo]: you wouldn’t happen to be Puffy Captain would you?

[Therapuffy]: uh yeah I am

[Oreeo]: cool then just find drista 

[GayTeakettle]: wait WHAT

[Therapuffy]: oh she is so grounded

[Oreeo]: anyone else?

[DuckInLaw]: Karl sap and I are west downtown we’ll look for the blond avian

[Oreeo]: oh 

[Oreeo]: @TimeTravelsCutely just look for Tommy

[Anarchy]: what.

[Georeg]: the blonde purple-themed alien is purpled isn’t it

[Oreeo]: good youre learning

[Anarchy]: I’m getting dad and Wil and we’re going after Tommy

[Oreeo]: thanks techno 

9:17 AM

[ShinyRock]: well that escalated quickly

GROUPCHAT: THEY KNOW THEY KNOW

9:18 AM

[Vwoop]: @everyone sorry for the ping but my friends and I organized a search party of sorts to find Tubbo

[Vwoop]: if you want to join, those who live on the outskirts look for me, uptown people look for Drista, south/west downtown people look for Tommy, and north/east downtown people look for Purpled

[Vwoop]: code word is bees

[MaliciousIntent]: Lana and I are outskirters what street are you on Ranboo

9:30 AM

[Vwoop]: okay I think that’s everyone sorted

[Vwoop]: ping me if you find any clue of Tubbo

GROUPCHAT: A very odd family indeed

9:34 AM

[PapaPuffy]: @SistaDrista DRISTA WASTAKEN YOU ARE SO GROUNDED YOUNG LADY

[SistaDrista]: mom listen you don’t understand how bad the situation is

[PapaPuffy]: then explain it to me?? Drista I was worried sick when the school called

[MotherNiki]: Puffy is right, Dris, I know you care for your friends, but at least message us next time?

[SistaDrista]: yeah I’m sorry

[SistaDrista]: now are you coming to help or no?

[MamaMinx]: we’re on our way dw kid

Chapter Text

DIRECT MESSAGES

Yesterday, 10:03 PM

[Jaywalker]: im telling you puff, some shits gonna go down tomorrow in that group chat of yours and you’re gonna regret not having me there to help.

[Puffball]: YOU BROKE SAPNAPS ARM

[Puffball]: LIKE HELL ANYONE IS GONNA REGRET BLOCKING YOU

[Jaywalker]: never say never

9:38 AM

[Puffball]: hey Schlatt

[Jaywalker]: i told you so

[Puffball] shut up this is serious

[Puffball]: have you heard anything from Tubbo recently?

[Jaywalker]: no not since I got kicked

[Puffball]: [Screenshot1.png] [Screenshot2.png] [Screenshot3.png]

[Jaywalker]: oh holy shit this is way more serious than i expected

[Puffball]: Ranboo organized a city wide search party wanna help?

[Jaywalker]: yeah sure where are you

GROUPCHAT: Tubbo search party

10:23 AM

[Ranboo]: @everyone I’ve checked the north/east parts of the outskirts, anyone still searching there either head uptown or to the south/west parts of the outskirts

[Drista]: Actually, we’ve searched almost all of uptown, head to the downtown or south/west areas

[Purpled]: North/east downtown has been fully checked, my party is meeting up with Tommy at Lemon Tree Café

[Ranboo]: okay so far we have the north/east parts of the outskirts checked, almost all of uptown, and the north/east parts of downtown

[Ranboo]: @Tommy how’s the other half of downtown looking?

[Tommy]: Tubbo has literally so many hiding spots here so uptown people should help out over here

[Ranboo]: noted

[Ranboo]: @everyone uptown and north/east downtown people head to south/west downtown, north/east outskirts people head to south/west outskirts

10:40 AM

[Tommy]: purpled + co, drista + co, and velvetfrost + co, have ended up with us 

[Ranboo]: Mal, Lana, Bad and the rest are spread across the remaining bits of the outskirts

[Ranboo]: once again, if anyone finds Tubbo, ping me or Tommy first @everyone

GROUPCHAT: A very odd family indeed

10:49 AM

[UncleSchlatt]: I am very slowly freaking out 

[UncleSchlatt]: where the fuck is this kid?

[CousinSparkz]: yknow this could have been over ages ago if we were just allowed to help

[SisterMoo]: but noooo gods can’t interfere with mortal business

[SisterEm]: they really can’t Moo…

[SisterMoo]: BITCH THIS IS MY FUTURE BROTHER WE’RE TALKING ABOUT

[SisterMoo]: THIS AINT MoRtAl BuSiNeSs ITS FAMILY

[BrotherFoosh]: I’m not happy about it either Moo but I would really rather not be on grim reaper duty again

[BrotherFoosh]: and I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to be on fertilizer duty either

[CousinSparkz]: THEY CANT DO SHIT TO ME THOUGH

[BrotherFoosh]: lightbulb duty

[CousinSparkz]: FUCK YOU

[CousinSparkz]: UGH THIS IS SO ANNOYING

[PapaPuffy]: children calm down

[PapaPuffy]: I cannot take care of four panicking deities on top of my own panicking brain  

[CousinSparkz]: sorry uncle

[SisterMoo]: sorry dad

[SisterEm]: sorry dad

GROUPCHAT: Tubbo search party

12:03 PM

[Malice]: shit um

[Malice]: @Tommy @Ranboo

[Malice]: I may or may not have found tubbo???

[Ranboo]: where are you

[Tommy]: how do you know?

[Malice]: [pin.map]

[Malice]: There’s a lot of commotion going on from what I can hear

[Tommy]: oh fuck that’s in the east edge of the outskirts

[Tommy]: Ranboo?

[Ranboo]: I’m in the north area but I’ll be there soon

[Tommy]: alright big man

[Tommy]: don’t splice yourself

12:10 PM

[Malice]: everything fell silent all of a sudden.

[Tommy]: shit.

——

Teleporting long distances was, arguably, one of the most stressful things a half-enderman like Ranboo could do. It was easier without having to hold someone ( Tubbo, Tubbo, where the hell was Tubbo?! ), but it was still stressful. The possibility of getting spliced, something Tommy ever-so-kindly reminded him of, didn’t help very much.

But, well, Ranboo was desperate. And desperate times call for desperate measures, don’t they?

He crossed the border to the east edge in record time, following the route on his communicator to the coordinates Mal had sent.  

Despite trying to stay calm, his mind continued to conjure the worst images of what he could find once he reached the lab. Flashes of Tubbo laying dead in a pool of his own blood, mutilated beyond recognition, haunted him the rest of the way.

He ran as fast as he could, teleporting a couple feet whenever he had the energy to, checking his communicator’s GPS every couple minutes to make sure he was heading the right way. The outskirts were huge, and, for the first time, Ranboo hated that. Normally, the outskirts were his spot to take a walk and calm himself, sometimes bringing Tubbo or Purpled along, and he’d always loved how never ending they had seemed. But now? Now he despised how endless they were and how long it was taking to get to Tubbo (oh gods, Tubbo—)

By the time he reached Tubbo’s lab, it had been a good fifteen minutes and he had 20 direct pings from the groupchat that he ignored. He took a deep breath and teleported the last hundred feet, appearing in front of a panicked Malice.

“Ranboo, hey, listen,” Mal said quickly, “I don’t think you should—“

Ranboo cut him off, resolved, asking, “Is he in there?”

“I mean, yeah, but you really shouldn't—“ Mal tried again

“Then I’m going in,” Ranboo said, determined. “This is my husband we’re talking about, Mal. I can’t let him go through this alone.”

Mal simply nodded in understanding, realizing his efforts were a losing game, and disappeared in a puff of snow-like feathers, leaving Ranboo alone. With that, he stepped forward to the lab’s door, raised an obsidian-colored hand to rest on the door handle, and opened the door with a deep breath. 

And there, just like in his nightmares, laid Tubbo. His ear was cut off and eye gouged out, and he laid in a pool of his own blood. The poor boy was writhing in pain, silent wails leaving his blue toned lips and salty tears streaking his blood covered face. 

Ranboo stared at the mutilated image of his husband lying in front of him and let out an inhuman shriek.

“TUBBO!”

Chapter Text

PLANS:

Tubbo is found

• IRL + chat
• In which Ranboo finds Tubbo passed out in one of his labs, laying in a pool of his own blood, and has an appropriate reaction. Which is to say, they had a fucking panic attack before realizing that they should probably help their husband before panicking more. 
• Someone get Ranboo some therapy

Tubbo wakes up

• IRL + chat
• In which bee duo have a heart to heart because holy shit Ranboo is worried for their husband 
• Also in which ranboo frantically texts the team to reassure them that yes Tubbo is alive and no he won’t be dying soon

Minor Melody chats & meets up

• Chat + IRL
• In which minor melody chat and meet up and Tommy gets jealous of Ranboo and storms off
• Tommy has a pity fest we love a relatable Tommy aye

Purpled goes after Tommy 

• IRL
• In which purpled is an amazing friend and goes after Tommy to make sure he’s okay
• Golden duo heart to heart we stan
• “Oh you’re jealous of Ranboo and tubbos relationship? Lets get platonically married too!”

Dnf shenanigans 

• chat
• In which Dream gets his shit together and talks to George 
• Poor Sapnap can we get an f in chat for sapnap

IDots shenanigans 

• chat
• In which the IDots are little gremlins and Finn is amazing all hail Finn 
• Skeppy getting confession advice, what’ll he do!

Skephalo

• Chat + IRL
• In which skeppy convinced bad to come to a private server where he set up a picnic in the middle of a firefly field
• Classic confession because they basic cuties
• “FINN FINN HE SAID YES HE SAID YES”

Karlnapity first date

• Chat + IRL
• in which karlnapity go on a date but get ambushed by a mafia gang wanting revenge on Quackity instead 
• Bruhhh our boys can’t catch a break
• But hey on the bright side all three of them have broken arms now :D

Feral boys irl reveal

• chat + IRL
• in which the feral boys have a crack taken seriously heart to heart and become official irl besties
• o7 to the irl gc-

Dream face reveal

• chat + IRL (?)
• In which Dream is tipsy and dms the wrong number 
• George is gay panicking so hard someone help the poor guy

The calm before the storm

• Chat + IRL
• In which we get crack, fluff, and comfort to lull you into a false sense of security before I dump the angst and pure hurt on you
• Evil laughter

Feral boys, minor melody, and sbi full mission

• IRL + chat
• In which we get many much heart to hearts before they go against a big bad magic cult
• Wilbur, techno, and Phil are all ex-GCIA agents
• Drista and Dream have a screaming match that ends in them sobbing in each other’s arms
• Tubbo and Tommy also have a screaming match because they think purpled/ranboo is replacing them but they also end up sobbing and apologizing 
• Ant and Velvet are kinda just there™ 

When things go wrong…

• IRL + chat
• In which the mission takes a turn for the absolute worst
• The mission goes really bad. 
• The magic cult somehow summons a primordial evil dreamon and shit goes down™ 
• Techno, Quackity, and Ant go blind in one eye (flying debris)
• Phil gets a brain demon (redza)
• Velvet gets a brain demon (The Egg)
• Karl accidentally goes too far back in time and looses a fuck ton of his memories (the memories are still there, but they’re locked away) 
• Dream gets possessed and is destroyed and rebuilt Overhaul style
• Tubbo nearly explodes but is saved by Ranboo teleporting them away before anything life threatening happens, though Ranboo still gets scars that match tubbo’s.
• Tommy nearly goes fully blind because of the explosion and is only saved cause Mal manages to heal him in time
• Wilbur goes full phantom mode and also loses most of his memories
• Purpled goes full chaotic alien mode trying to protect their friends and has to be subdued by Lana
• Drista is fighting the dreamon that possessed Dream in another dimension and wins just barely
• A giant fire demon is released from the pits of hell with the collective efforts of the magic cult and the dreamon
• Sapnap has to fight said giant fire demon that escaped the pits of hell with the help of George
• George passes out the moment the demon is defeated due to overusing his magic and falls into a coma
• Everyone lives only because Lana, Mal, and Bad tp to them at the last minute with Eret who just- blows the dreamon and demon up to save his “children” (Eret has the same relationship with his agents that Kagaya Ubuyashiki has with his hashira and the demon slayers in Demon Slayer)

Meanwhile…

• Chat + IRL
• In which everyone is wondering why there are huge explosions coming from the other side of town 
• Skeppy is freaking out because bad was being cryptic in their last messages with the whole “i love you, don't forget that” and shit and has to be comforted by the equally worried IDots

The aftermath

• IRL + chat
• In which the three teams have to be taken care of by Ponk, Charlie, and Niki
• They all take the time to reassure everyone that everything is fine
• Eret gives permission to spill the beans and there's funny chaos
• Literally just bee duo, golden duo, karlnapity, dnf, and skephalo hurt/comfort where they sob and hug and kiss and I make everyone feel things™
• Everyone goes home and i offer comfort and fluff as an apology

The aftermath pt2

• IRL + chat
• Justapuffychu have a movie night with their many kids + elaina and eret
• Eret and Ranboo cry on each others shoulders a bit and Eret agrees to take partial custody over Tubbo
• Karlnapity kinda just collapse onto each other and just- bathe in each others presence and the fact that they're alive
• Dnf have matching mental breakdowns that ends in soft kisses and i love yous (maybe something along the lines of “dream hates himself, but george doesn't, and george is the one person dream loves more than anything” or smth idk just dnf being sappy and supportive)
• Sbi hug it out
• Tommy spends the night at purpleds house because he's tired and just wants to be with his platonic partner
• Skephalo also just enjoy each others presence and shower each other with affection
• i’m soft send help
• Fluff, fluff, and more fluff!
• But what if: crack, crack, and even more crack???

All good things must come to an end

• IRL + CHAT
• In which everyone goes to the mall and it's just- the chaos and fluff this fic started with
• Sneeg cameo as the pet shop weirdo/owner 
• Scott cameo as the dude MM bump into and end up paying for his ice cream 
• “Life was good for ___ and they wouldn't have had it any other way”