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Xiao walked the streets of the bustling city, his boots tapping a rhythm on the grey asphalt. He pulled his sweater over his chest just a little more, trying but failing to conceal himself. Conceal his inner turmoil.
He continued down the sidewalks, carefully dodging the countless people walking as well. Unlike Xiao, these people had a destination. Somewhere to be. Xiao could only wish for such a thing, for such a purpose. Yet, in his heart, he couldn’t find it in himself to be completely sad. He couldn’t feel , he couldn’t comprehend. Why couldn’t he feel sad like others did? Why couldn’t he not be numb? Why can’t he show and express his emotions? Is that why he left ? He chose to ignore the last question, the rhythms his boots were making becoming his focus once more.
He made his way to the coffee shop, a new one that he found that had good ratings. The outside was painted with a mix of pastels, oranges and blues swirling to create the exterior. He stood outside the shop, memories of his past flooding his mind, no matter how hard he tried to keep them out. The swirls of oranges resembled his past love, the one who filled him with life and colors not unlike the ones of this shop. The pastel orange sweater. That one.
It was the exact same color. His favorite color.
Like the swirls of the shop, the swirls in his heart started up when thinking about him. Him, the person who woke up early in the morning to make sure that Xiao ate every day. The one whose boisterous laugh always filled their apartment with a joy only apparent in those of fiction. The one who made Xiao feel like a person again.
The one who Xiao lost. Lost because he couldn’t communicate. Lost because Xiao snapped at him every time his love tried to do something nice for him. Lost because …
Lost because Xiao was Xiao.
And he couldn’t change that fast enough.
Xiao couldn’t do anything but sigh, his chest heavy as he swings open the door, already reciting his order in his head. One caramel latte, with an extra pump of caramel sauce and two extra sugars. Too garish for Xiao’s taste. But for his love? It was his favorite. He would rarely be seen without it, the caffeine and sugar propelling him to maximum energy, always lighting up the room with his trusty coffee cup in hand. Xiao chuckled internally at the memory of their first meet, in which Xiao ended up with coffee all over his new white t-shirt. Ended up with a new-found crush as well, memories of flushed cheeks coming to mind as well. Xiao physically shook his head at that, and progressed further down the line.
Once he was at the front, he looked down to reach for his wallet. “One medium caramel-” He looked up.
“Xiao?”
Xiao took a shuddering breath in.
“Venti.”
Shit.
“Hello! I, uh, I didn’t expect to see you in my coffee shop, but new customers are always welcome!”
“This is yours?!” Xiao’s tone cut through the friendliness that Venti had tried to put down, said person flinching back at the question.
“Y-yes, yes it is. Do you .. do you like it?”
“... It’s alright.” Goddamnit Xiao .
“Figured you’d say that. What would you like to order?”
“One medium caramel latte with an extra pump of caramel sauce and two extra sugars.” The practiced words rolled off his tongue, with a little-too much ease. Venti looked at him with curious eyes. “That’s ... my order.”
“Yeah, I know, that’s why I order it.” It took a second for Xiao to realize what exactly he said, his cheeks blushing at that. Venti, on the other hand, looked quite unaffected. “Ok, will that be all?” Xiao flinched at his customer service voice, one that he didn’t use towards him until the end of their relationship. “Yeah, that’s all.”
“Your total will be $4.99. Swipe there.” The transaction lasted a little too quick for Xiao’s liking, his voice begging him to say something. To say something to the man that has been running through his mind for the last few years.
He waited as Venti prepared his order, moving fast and swift, as if to get him out of the shop faster. “One order for Xiao.” Xiao broke out of his trance, making his way down to the pick-up counter. He picked up his drink, the heat grounding him. Just enough to gather up the courage to say at least a few more words.
“Hey, Venti?” Said man spun in his tracks, awaiting for Xiao.
“Did you maybe want to get lunch together? To catch up, maybe?” His voice picked up slightly at the end, Xiao clearing his throat to cover it up.
Venti’s face fell at that, a cold look that Venti had never pointed towards Xiao now greeted him. “You’d just let me carry the conversation, just like I had to carry you and this relationship.” Xiao hated that he reacted towards that.
“I was so tired back then, so tired of waiting for you to meet me halfway and you failing every time. I wasted so much of my time on you. I ... I loved you, and I did for quite a while after. But, I can’t put myself through that again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have customers.” And with that, Venti put on his business facade again, leaving Xiao feeling smaller than ever. Worse than ever. He forced himself to pick up his feet, to move out of the store, to move on from Venti.
To stop being a burden to Venti.
The walk home was a quiet one, the thoughts in his head seemingly quiet, leaving him lonely.
He walked up the stairs to his apartment. his keys jangling in his right hand, while his coffee gets progressively colder in his left. He makes it to his door, opening himself to the place he called home.
What he used to call home.
The newly painted pastel orange walls greeted him, taunting him. What seemed like something to remind him of his bright past now made him feel sick to his stomach. He set his stuff down, his coffee now forgotten. He made it over to his window, looking down at the streets. In the corner of his eye, a picture frame glinted, taunting him along with his walls. His house. Venti smiled in the photo, the joy in the photo unlike the contempt in Venti’s smile today. Xiao stared at the picture for a while, engraving his face into his memory.
And for the first time since he was born, a single tear streamed down his face, joining the pastel blue rug on the floor.