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“Transmutation and Dunamancy…” Caleb muttered as he brushed his fingertips over the pedestal. The stone was cool and smooth to the touch as he traced the frozen-over groove of the runes. Of course, it was a combination of both. It made perfect sense, magically speaking.
“Indeed.”
He glanced up at Essek. He hadn’t decided, yet, whether the combination also made perfect sense, situationally speaking. There was something strangely… convenient about all of it and Caleb wasn’t used to things working in his favor. “What are the odds?” He gave a half-hearted laugh as he got up from where he had been kneeling.
“Well,” Essek’s eyes were still focused on the pedestal. “Given what we know about the schools of magic and their applications, I would estimate the odds to be fairly high. And yet…”
“And yet,” Caleb echoed.
Essek turned to look at him instead. “And yet, I find it difficult to reconcile this particular situation with my firm stance on the fates. Or, well, not this specific moment in time, but rather the first time we encountered this creation.”
The corner of Caleb’s mouth quirked upward. “I cannot deny that it’s strangely fitting. Regardless of the fates, I am glad for this situation. The chance to-“
“Yo, wizards!”
Both of them whipped around to look at Beauregard, who had positioned herself in the doorway.
“We’re gonna check out the next rooms. Shout if you need us.” She shot them a tense look. “And don’t fucking-“ She gestured wildly in the air before pointing at the pedestal. “-use that. Or whatever.”
“No, Beauregard, we will not spontaneously test millennia old magic after five minutes of investigation. Thank you for reminding us of that.”
“Hey! It wouldn’t be the first time! And, also, fuck you,” She yelled – she didn’t have to, her voice echoed quite well in the cavernous space – and turned to leave with Fjord who stood behind her. The rest of the Nein had already left to take a look around this part of Aeor with varying levels of reluctance. It wasn’t as if Caleb and Essek had asked them to leave. Some of them had simply decided that it was ‘the thing to do’ and thus everyone had to go. Apparently.
“I appreciate your friends a lot. But I must say that I could have done without the chaperones,” Essek said before crouching down beside the pedestal.
Caleb followed suit. “I suppose they can encumber magical exploration somewhat. But they simply-“
“Yes, I remember. They believe us to be ‘squishy’,” Essek said the word with a mild tinge of distaste coupled with amusement, “-and do not trust us not to… how did Veth phrase it again?”
“Hitch a ride into the past on a magic rock?”
“Yes, that.” Essek shook his head lightly. “I value their company. But perhaps I would value it more if they did not insist on maintaining a 30ft minimum distance from us at all times.”
“Hah, ja, that is- That is a bit odd.” It was not odd, Caleb knew. Or, it was, but it was odd with intent. After all, the others were convinced that they were… guarding a date.
He was never going to forget the faces they had made when Caleb had told them about this trip. They had been shocked and terrified initially, but then changed to something more understanding. Which, honestly, only meant that Jester and Veth had been shooting him suggestive looks and Herr Clay had made that face when he thought that he knew. Knew… something.
Yet, they hadn’t wanted him to go, worried for his safety and, he supposed, his current temporal existence. At first, no one had wanted to ‘chaperone’, as Essek put it – not that Caleb had asked them to – they simply had told him not to leave for Aeor at all. But then they had discussed being indebted to Caleb because of the Nine-Sided Tower. Which Caleb had disagreed with wholeheartedly. However, they insisted that it had been instrumental in both Beau and Yasha, and Fjord and Jester getting together and they… wanted to return the favor, Caleb supposed?
Not that he thought Essek and him were getting together.
‘It’s complicated,’ he had thought to Jester in this room. And it still, very much, was.
“Right, well, no time to waste, yes?” Essek began digging around in his belongings, revealing several different components and devices, as well as some books. All of it there to hopefully help them make some sense of this.
“Ja.” Caleb pulled out his amber and put it down on the ground beside them. “Though, if we are successful, the concept of wasting time might soon be a thing of the past.”
Essek looked at him with a quirked eyebrow and he was smiling and it looked like he was struggling not to laugh or at least grin. “Indeed.” Gods it was endearing.
Caleb turned to stare at his amber, instead. He spoke a word and stacks of books appeared in front of them. Most of them were from Aeor itself. Caleb hadn’t had the chance to skim through all of them, but a few of the ones he had looked at seemed thematically relevant, at least. “Shall we start with the proper research method?” Caleb suggested. “What is your hypothesis on this – how do you think it works?”
“Well,” Essek stopped unpacking things to look at Caleb. “We know that Transmutation can shift the flow of time, at least temporarily. Though I believe that the school is confined to a very, shall we say, linear progression.
“The Dunamantic perception of time is different from that, much more focused on potential and it views time not as a line to adhere to but as an expense of potential… a continuous use of it. I believe that is where the two intersect in this case.”
“Transmutation alone could not accomplish this, then.” Caleb deduced.
“I do not believe so, no. Neither could Dunamancy. One of my theories is that Transmutation is used to shift the physical self, the mass, and to create, shall we say, a hole or an opportunity in the current fixed flow of time. This is where Dunamancy intersects, creating access to the potential that was never used. And then, again, through Transmutation, it connects with a point in the past, manifesting what is now perceived as something from the future in the new present.”
Caleb had abandoned his books in favor of staring at Essek. Essek was a reserved individual, he had always been. But whenever he really spoke about magic and had the chance to theorize or the chance at something new, he became almost excited. His eyes sparkled with curiosity, he shone with interest. And he was terribly, terribly intelligent. Listening to him was easy. And, well, looking at him was no challenge, either.
“Do you believe that I’m far off?” Essek asked and Caleb realized that he had forgotten to reply.
“No, it sounds plausible. I will admit to not having as much of a theory just yet… But what you are saying is that the anchors described in the logbook are like knots of Dunamancy and Transmutation?”
“It seems likely to me. The whole spell seems to somewhat evenly interwoven. But those parts in particular, when the physical becomes potential, that is where the two schools have to meet.”
Caleb tried not to get hung up on each of his words. He desperately wanted to know more about the device and how it had been made, after all. But this all would have been easier to do with someone else. Someone who hadn’t quite captured Caleb’s imagination as much. “What of the echoes?”
“What of them?”
“Well, we don’t know whether what they describe here is the same thing as the spell you shared with me, exactly, but they appear to be a reference point of a sort. I am just curious as to how they are created here since it seems to be in reverse to what the spell you taught me normally does.”
“I think that may precisely be the approach we should be considering. Echos, as we know them, are an imprint of potentiality, in a sense, given a physical shape.”
“Ja, Essek, I know, you have explained this to me.”
Essek averted his eyes as his cheeks took on a darker hue. “Of course. Well, what I am getting at is that the echoes that come into existence due to- due to time travel may not be creations of intent. They serve as an anchor, yes, but only because the real person left, but their potential did not.”
“So it would be like… like every person having this potential tethered to themselves. This tether transcends space and time, but the potential itself cannot travel with them, it stays behind. The potential, then, is fixed in time.” Caleb’s brow creased. “But that makes no sense if we can call them to us to aid us.”
Essek looked back at him. “It does when you consider the potential we draw to intentionally create echoes on is abandoned. It did not exist in reality, in a sense, not as we perceive it. But I agree, there are pieces missing. The fact that only the echo stays behind and not the physical body itself is baffling to me. Creating the echoes in such a fashion that they would be tangible was the most difficult part about the spell.”
Caleb paused. “… What do you mean?”
Essek tilted his head. “When creating the spell, I mean. Drawing on potential is not difficult for a skilled Dunamancer. Giving that potential a corporeal shape, however…”
“You created Resonant Echo?”
“… Have I not told you before?”
“No!”
“Oh. Yes, it is a spell of my design.”
Caleb stared at him, wide-eyed.
Essek found a point on the wall to stare at. “You need not look at me like that, I have seen your tower. You should not be so amazed by what little creativity I put forth for this spell.”
Ah, but the tower was a grand creation of a familiar concept. A great example of a demiplane. Echoes- they were apparently things that the mages of a mageocracy dealt with. “You are grossly underselling yourself. Why have you not named it after you?”
“Mh, that would have made conversation a little awkward, no? If I suggested you learn a spell that specifically has my name in it? Then again, I would not object to learning Widogast’s Web of Fire sometime…” Essek looked at the pedestal and for a moment Caleb thought he caught something sad there. “Anyway, it is just not done in the Dynasty. I… exist with the intent, perhaps not my own, to continue on existing after this life and it is not unlikely that I would abandon my name in a future life, as I am only in my first. I suppose I could have named it after the Den but… names work a bit differently in the Dynasty, I suppose.”
“So I’ve noticed,” Caleb replied, hoping that Essek didn’t find his use of his own name tacky. He was proud of his creations and it felt like a way to leave a piece of him in the world that was not ruined or tainted or bad. Just the one thing he was good at. Magic. “Well, for what it is worth, I would have gladly learned Essek’s Resonant Echo.”
Essek smiled, still looking away. Then he cleared his throat. “Regardless. What I meant was that, the Transmutative elements of this likely elude me. I have thought on this device a lot and while the weavings of fate and possibility and potential seem somewhat discernable, I find myself lacking in knowledge on the modification of energy and matter. It is… like I require a Transmutation wizard to fill in the pieces.”
Caleb looked at his books then. “Well, you may just be in luck.”
“Yes. I might just be.” There was a long pause before Essek continued, shifting his tone from something that had been almost soft to something more professional. “I believe that your expertise with Transmutation will likely take some of my theories apart, however. So do not think too poorly of me if I made some mistakes during rudimentary spellwork in your field.”
Caleb scoffed. “As though I could ever think poorly of your abilities. After everything I’ve seen you do. If nothing else, you have taught me magic that I had never known before. And not only because you were the architect of one of the spells.”
“Perhaps, but a lack of understanding and a lack of access are two very different things. You had no means of acquiring Dunamancy before we became acquainted. However, you have proven a quick study. As I have told you before.” As Caleb looked back up Essek met his eyes and he wanted to call what he saw there ‘fondness’, but he was hesitant to do so.
It was dangerous. To be tempted by any of it. “If you say so. Well, how should we progress?”
“If you are content to look through the books, I would like to run some tests and perhaps take another look around the room. I cling to some hope that we missed something vital here that will help us solve a lot of this more easily.”
“Alright, gut. But… don’t stray too far. Stay close.”
“I will not leave your sight.” Essek was holding Caleb’s gaze and Caleb could see conflict playing there that was surely a mirror of Caleb’s own.
They broke apart. Caleb turned to speed read through some of the books and Essek started to try and analyze the pedestal in more detail. Caleb was somewhat frustrated with himself after ten or so minutes. He had cast Comprehend Languages and it slowed him down to a normal reading speed. That, and the notation and shorthand was much different from anything Caleb was used to in his arcane training and it sometimes felt like he was decoding pages for minutes only to find that they held the value of an Aeorian describing their lunch.
The room itself was quiet around them. Every once in a while there was the distant talking and the footsteps of the Mighty Nein. Rarer, still, something in the far away fell or shifted. The loudest thing to Caleb was the occasional clinking of shuffling of Essek’s belongings and Caleb would find his attention drawn to watch his fellow wizard work. Essek was so elegant in everything he did. And methodical to a fault. Caleb wondered what it looked like in his mind, what it was like to perceive the world as he did and he wondered whether they different in that and if they did, how much. Though the way Essek sometimes said words just as Caleb had begun to think them, he thought their minds could not have been too distant strangers.
Caleb found himself especially drawn to look over whenever he heard a ‘hm’ or an ‘oh’ or a grunt of frustration. And he’d watch Essek squint or tilt his head or look at a particular rune with big violet eyes. Sometimes he’d blow an errant strand of hair before moving his hand in a flourish to tuck it away. A few times, Essek noticed Caleb looking at him.
He always went back to reading. But, gods, this was not helping his progress.
Eventually, Essek got up.
“Discovered anything?” Caleb asked.
“Unfortunately, nothing new. Only further confirmation of what we have already discerned. I do believe that this still holds the potential for its magic. It does not seem entirely dormant or destroyed. Though, of course, it is not working at the moment. How about you, have you made any progress?”
Caleb looked back at the disappointing amount of pages he had made it through. He really had to stop looking at Essek. Perhaps… when this day concluded, he could ask Essek to meet up elsewhere sometime, so that he could stare some more. Caleb glared at the book. What a stupid thought. “It is taking a bit of time. Strange notation and such.”
“Understandable. Well, I have no doubts you will find whatever there is to be found.”
Maybe if Essek’s every move stopped being so damn captivating. “I will do my best.”
With that, Essek turned to begin inspecting the room around them and Caleb turned back to his books. They shared silence, which was not uncomfortable or oppressive. It was companionable, like it almost always was when it was them.
“How’s it going in there? Are you enjoying your research?” Jester’s head appeared in the doorway and Caleb looked up. He thought he could pin point the moment Jester realized that him and Essek were on opposite ends of the room and not, actually, whatever it was she had expected them to be doing.
“Everything is going well, blueberry.”
“Is it?” Jester asked with that tone of voice of hers that always made Caleb question whether it was intentionally exaggerated or not. She looked at him and gave him one of her huge winks.
Caleb’s eyes flickered over to Essek, who was visibly confused by all of this. Or put off. Or something else. He was a hard man to read, sometimes.
“Do you think so, too, Essek? Is it going well?”
“Well, we haven’t made much progress so far, unfortunately. Things like this require time.”
Caleb also wondered whether Essek was sincerely oblivious or whether he just chose not to indulge Jester.
“Then we will give you two plenty of time.” Another wink. Caleb was unsure whether the only reason that he was not melting because it was too cold.
Before he could say anything else, though, she bounced away again. Caleb swore he could hear Fjord ask whether Jester had inquired about their readiness to go, but he could not be sure.
“I fear I left a very specific impression upon your group when requesting this outing.” Essek said from across the room.
“Hah, well. That is more the group’s fault than yours, really.” Caleb assured. “Some of them are quite amazing at creative interpretation.”
“I thought I was more subtle.”
Caleb choked. A breath lodged itself in his throat. But when he finally looked up, Essek was wiping away the frost from some writing on the wall, completely unbothered.
This man.
“So am I to understand that this trip does not have purely academic intentions?” Caleb asked.
“I said you were a quick study, yes? I am sure you have a sound understanding of most things.”
Not of you. Caleb looked at the pedestal. The potential in the room with them. His chest ached. “I do wish to better understand one thing,” he said, dropping whatever tones and implications there may have been before.
Essek turned at that. “Right? And what is that?”
“What is our goal here, Essek?” He caught Essek looking nervous for a moment and decided to rephrase. “What do we intend with this.” He gestured toward the pedestal.
“We are studying it, are we not?”
“Ja. But studying is a means to an end, not a goal. What are we studying it for? Are we trying to understand it… or get it to work?”
“I don’t think your friends would permit the latter to happen, Caleb.”
“That does not matter when it comes to intent. I don’t know whether you meant to be subtle about this, and I do not think you did, but I remember the way you reacted when we first encountered it. And I remember what you said when we first met you at Vurmas.” Caleb fixed him with his eyes. “And it leads me to a very specific conclusion about your intent.”
Essek looked away then, the way he had when they had first seen each other weeks after the peace negotiations. “And is it not a compelling thought?”
Oh, it was.
“I cannot say, Caleb, what I intend. For now I would like to find out as much as possible about this. To see whether it could be used with a moderate amount of safety.”
“You know as well as me that for people like us ‘could be used’ is but a breath away from doing it.” Caleb stood up.
“What of your intent, then? You said once you did not know what you would do if your goal was placed before you. Now you have potentially found it, do you not wish to explore it?”
“I-“ Caleb tensed. He shook his head. “I do not know. But I do know that having the goal to go back is not the best motivation to work with right now.”
Essek drifted back over to him, slowly. “I told you I know how to curb my curiosities. So believe me when I say that I am not pursuing this on a whim.”
“So you are pursuing it?”
Essek stopped, closer to him, but not yet close. “Will you leave if I am?”
Yes. No. I don’t know. “Would you keep at it if I did?”
Essek narrowed his eyes, seemingly not having an answer.
“What is it you would do?” Caleb asked. “Hypothetically.”
“Is that not obvious?” Essek asked and his voice was pained.
“Specifically. What is it you would go to do? How would you achieve it?”
“What is the point of this exercise, Caleb?”
“Humor me.”
Essek sighed. “It depends on the rules and limitations of the spellwork. If I will have my consciousness in my younger body, I would simply not do what I have done. And if I were an outside actor, I would seek out myself and tell myself not to hand over the beacons. Or, rather, not to seek out collusion, at all.”
“Would your past self listen to you?”
“Not if I spoke of you or the Nein as an argument. But if I spoke of danger and the inevitability of getting caught, yes.”
“Are you certain? Would that Essek not be enticed by knowing that the path he was on would lead him to a point where he could travel back in time?”
Essek tensed. “It… it is a possibility. But there are other means. Other people to warn, if need be. There are options, what I did was not an inevitability.”
“… It is astounding to me how speak of the past and your mistakes.”
“I am not sure I know what you mean. Do you fault me for how I speak of it?”
“No, the opposite. It merely… also reminds me of myself.” Caleb muttered.
A beat of silence hung between them. Caleb felt a bit guilty for letting the conversation between them sour. But it was overshadowed by the need to check in on Essek and to try to understand him and his objectives. To prevent them from being fulfilled, if he had to.
“Assuming that usage of the device is my goal, why are you attempting to dissuade me, at all?”
Caleb looked back up but Essek was still not meeting his eyes. And, more than anything, Caleb wished that he would have done at least that.
“You asked me to leave the world better than I found it. Does that not begin with leaving it better than I made it?”
“We don’t know what would happen as a consequence. And I do not think we would find the answer to that here. Will we all cease to be? Will we just keep on living without you?”
“I would assume your consciousness would adapt to the shift as though I had never done what I did.” Essek said, quietly.
“You do realize that the only reason that you and I know each other, that you met and got to be changed by the Nein, was because of what you did. You would never venture with us to Eiselcross, you would never help us. Not if you hadn’t done any of it.”
“Yes, Caleb. I know.”
“And you will not get to know us, you will not change, you will still be alone and misunderstood right where we met you.” The words were a bitter sting in Caleb’s mouth. “We would never get to befriend you.”
“And is it not selfish to put that above the lives and safety of everyone else?” Essek looked back up at him and the hurt in his eyes was plain as day. “I know all that, Caleb. I have thought of nothing else since this became a possibility. But with this as an option, how is anything else still relevant? How could one justify staying when going will help so many more?”
“You don’t know that it will. The Assembly could still steal them, war could still ignite. You said yourself that it was going to happen eventually with the nations at odds as they have been.”
“But is it not, at this point, my obligation to try?”
“If it is yours, then is it mine, as well?”
Essek opened his mouth. He shut it again.
“Do you know what I would do?” Caleb asked but received no reply so he kept going. “I would-“ He swallowed. “I would stop myself from ever joining Trent Ikithon. From hurting people because I thought it would serve the Empire. From killing-“ He choked. He closed his eyes. “And I feel, much like you, obligated, to save those people. But if I did, I would not be here. I would not meet the Nein and I would not be helping them do all this… good. So what-“ He gripped his arms. “What am I to do, then?”
“I… I don’t know.”
Caleb opened his eyes to find Essek looking down with shame.
“I know that something else could trigger the war. But in the present it happened. It is done. If there is a chance that it might not…”
“And if it does, but not by your hand? And you will not grow and change and evolve beyond what you were?” Caleb stepped closer, driven by the need to reach out. He placed his hands on Essek’s upper arms. “You, now, in the present. You can be good. And you can do good. Because you have let yourself be changed.”
Essek refused to look back at him. “That does not make what I did right.”
“No, it does not. But it means that we exist in a world where peace was negotiated successfully. And where you helped us put an end to Lucien’s quest.”
“I was not much of an aid, Caleb.”
“You have no idea how wrong you are.” Caleb finally managed to capture Essek’s gaze. “If the greater good is what you are after, then stay with us. Do more good with us. Grow even further than you already have.”
Essek stared at him and Caleb realized what he was saying. That he was denouncing, more clearly than he ever had, more clearly than he had thought himself capable, the option of going back. Because when he looked at it like this, when he looked at Essek’s resolve to do it and its flaws, it became much clearer, much less muddled in his mind than when he tried to figure out those odds for himself. The options were not as complicated as he had thought. It brought him no joy that his realization appeased the part of him that he knew would break a little if he watched Essek step onto that platform, lost to something inconceivable, never to return.
“If you are afraid of being selfish… perhaps it may ease your mind to know that I am being selfish, too.”
“By staying?”
“By asking you to stay.” Caleb looked at him intently.
Understanding flashed through Essek’s eyes.
“While I genuinely, logically believe that nothing good would come of your attempt, I cannot lie to you and tell you that I would be indifferent if you did try regardless.”
“Returning would not be impossible…”
“Whom are you trying to convince?”
Essek tried to look down but Caleb caught his eyes again. He was reminded of their conversation about atonement and goals. Back in a room of infinite possibilities. And for some reason, all those possibilities felt laid out around them.
“I’m not asking you to cast this off your mind forever. At least not right this moment. Because I know from my own whims and temptations how impossible that is. But I am asking you to put it on hold. You can keep the door open. But do not leap through it at the first chance. You said I was on a better path than most wizards. And I’d love to have you by my side on it.”
Essek’s eyes widened a little at that. They were close, so close, and drifting ever closer.
“I have no use for subtlety right now,” Caleb added as a means of explaining. “I think we have been making use of that for long enough.”
“If this is a ploy to get me to stay, it is a cruel one…”
“It is that in part, but it is so much more.”
“I would… I want to kiss you, Caleb.” Essek’s voice was a whisper between them.
“Then do it.”
“I can’t…”
Caleb felt his heart twist in pain. “Why…?”
“I believe I would be closing that door that you spoke of… for even more selfish reasons.”
“Might I kiss you, then?”
“Why?”
“Because it has been on my mind for some time now, months I believe, and if you choose to go through that door, I don’t think I could let you without knowing what this feels like.”
“If you care for me, this will only cause you pain when I leave.”
“Because I care for you, I will try everything to persuade you to stay. May I kiss you, Essek Thelyss? As you are now, different and transformed from whom you once were?”
Essek’s voice cracked as he whispered “Yes.”
Caleb pulled Essek close and leaned forward as he gently pressed their lips together. He felt heat rushing through his body, defying the cold around them. It was only a short thing, a soft exchange. When he pulled away, Essek took hold of his shoulders and pulled him back in again for another kiss, this one with more intent, more desperation.
“Nothing good can come of this.” Essek whispered as they broke apart.
“I disagree.” Caleb gave him another kiss. “But I suppose we will have to wait and see.”
Kissing Essek felt both so much like Caleb had thought it would and extremely different at the same time. He hadn’t thought the rush of emotion quite as intense. Hadn’t thought he was going to cling to Essek quite as tightly, but he did and Essek returned every single motion.
A scandalized gasp tore him out of his thoughts and both him and Essek turned around to the entrance, where an excited Jester was bouncing up and down and a remaining Mighty Nein stood close behind. Caleb could see Essek trying to sink into the depths of his winter clothes like a turtle, not looking at any of them.
“Took you long enough,” Beau commented and Caleb decided to join Essek in looking anywhere but at them.
“Finally,” Veth added. “I’ve been practicing my shovel talk for weeks!” She made to walk into the room, but Caduceus gently held her back.
“We wanted to ask to wait in the tower if it’s not too much trouble. We can come back later too, that’s alright.”
“Ah. Nein. Ja. Sure. Give me one minute.” Caleb started patting himself down hastily before finding and pulling out the wand. He looked for a good position to cast the spell and he kept his back turned to the Nein.
“You guys coming in with us? You know it’s a lot warmer in Caleb’s room.”
“Jester…” Caleb muttered.
“I think we better examine this room a little more, we haven’t uncovered much, yet.”
Someone must have made a face because Essek added:
“… In terms of the device and the spell.”
Essek did a very good job not melting or dying as Caleb put up the tower and ushered everyone inside with many assurances that he would dispel the tower if they got in trouble or shout in. He was also pointedly ignoring Veth’s request to be safe coupled with what seemed to be lines from her shovel talk directed at Essek. He loved the Nein. Dearly. They were his family. But they were turning the ‘a lot’ that was kissing Essek into ‘too much’ very quickly.
Once the door was finally shut it was dead silent in the room.
“Shall we- Shall we get back to it?”
Caleb looked at Essek with raised eyebrows.
“The research. I thought I could help you with the books.”
Caleb nodded, his feelings became a little muddled. “Ja. Let’s do that.”
They both got back down to the tomes to continue trying to find something that resembled the pedestal, the writing, or anything else in the room.
Essek cleared his throat after a moment. “That was not- I did not mean to insinuate that I did not enjoy the… the other thing. Perhaps, at some point, I would like to get back to that, as well.”
Caleb smiled to himself. “Well. Jester was right about my room.”
Essek spluttered and Caleb laughed.
They ended up continuing their research for hours. Together, they found a trail almost easily, buried between the pages of different books and informed by the their investigation of the room. They found experiments, information on the construction process of the device. That led to an oddity in the room, where they uncovered that they had been looking at things from the wrong angle, mostly but not exclusively figuratively and that there were more elements to the spell hidden almost in plain sight.
They went back and forth on ideas and theories. Working together like it is what both of them had been made to do. Caleb had a thought and Essek picked it up and took it apart and reassembled the pieces and Caleb was left to marvel at the verbal dexterity with which he did it. Essek asked him questions, a lot of them, about Transmutation and Caleb was pleased and almost a little proud to answer them. Essek was not as bad with the subject as he had made himself out to be, but still, Caleb’s expertise and second school of choice seemed instrumental in making progress in understanding. He, of course, also benefitted from Essek’s Dunamancy, but that, well, that was not even a little surprising.
Caleb kept looking at Essek and he found Essek looking back sometimes. There was a dangerous edge to Essek’s gazes still, but Caleb found himself unable to tell what kind of danger her was looking at.
They eventually retired because Essek remarked that Caleb needed some rest and Caleb could not deny it. They went into the tower together and Caleb almost asked Essek back to his room, but Essek seemed nervous about the closeness so he didn’t want to press the issue. Instead, they shared a kiss in front of Essek’s room before they said goodnight.
-
Caleb startled awake, sitting up immediately.
The lights flickered on in his room and he noticed the reason for the disturbance. Once of the cats had come in and leapt onto his bed and was batting at him to get his attention. “Ja, Emmi? What is it?”
The cat meowed in what sounded like distress and dropped something that it had been holding with its tail onto the bed beside Caleb. Caleb narrowed his eyes. It was a letter. He reached out and picked it up to turn it over.
‘Caleb’
Is what it said on the back and his throat closed up as he recognized the handwriting. It was Essek’s. Caleb got a horrible feeling. He dumped the letter on his bed and got up so quickly that the cat was forced to leap off with a meow of complaint. Caleb threw on his clothes faster than he had ever done anything before, grabbed the letter and yanked open the door of his quarters to run over to the center of the room.
No.
No, no, no. Gods, no. He couldn’t have. Essek couldn’t- He hadn’t-
Caleb leapt into the center of the room, into the open iris, but he didn’t think or yell ‘down’ as he let himself plummet instead. There was no time for anything more. He thought to scream out to the Nein for aid, but he didn’t know the situation well enough to do so.
If Essek was really- And if he had not, yet- Then perhaps Caleb could still prevent it. Perhaps better than all of them together could. If Essek panicked, who knew what he was going to do?
Caleb noted that Essek’s door was closed as he fell and then he cast Feather Fall before he could hit the ground. He bolted toward the door, the letter crumpling in his grip as he made it and pulled it open. He leapt into the dark room. Except, it was dark no longer.
It was illuminated with a white glow as runes, set into the walls, were glowing. As well as the ones etched into the base of the pedestal and the elaborate, and completed arcane circle on top of it. Many things in the room cast stark shadows against this light. But the darkest of it seemed to reach out from the figure beside the device. As Essek lingered there, hovering gently.
Caleb’s heart dropped into his gut as it clenched. And the sensation was painful and familiar. He was back in Nicodranas, back in Frumpkin’s senses, watching an illusion become a familiar face and feeling his heart sob as a response.
“Essek,” He gasped out, his breath left somewhere in the tower. He didn’t know what it was he could do. What it was that he could say. After everything that he had already said that day. Perhaps he was panicking too much. Perhaps Essek wasn’t going to go through with it. Perhaps this letter was not what it seemed to be right then. Perhaps Essek was not just going to leave him.
Like they hadn’t been kissing hours before.
The letter sailed to the ground.
Essek flinched and he turned and Caleb saw him wringing his hands in front of his cloak. His shoulders were hunched, his form was tense. Their eyes met only briefly, before Essek sought to look at something else. “I… had hoped that you would not wake until morning…”
“What is this? What are you doing?”
Essek looked like someone had stabbed him, which was almost funny, because it was a feeling Caleb shared. “… Exactly what you believe, I am afraid…”
Caleb wanted this to stop. He wanted to wake up or snap out of whatever horrible thing was going on. He just did not want this to be real. “Why?”
“You know why.”
Caleb stared at the circle. His fast mind was floundering, trying to piece together what Essek had done to bring it to this stage so that he could undo it. But it was beyond what they had thought of together. Unless Essek had been going over this all night. Unless he maybe had held onto some piece of information that would have alarmed Caleb too much of the feasibility of this. “I thought- I thought we spoke about this. I thought you- I thought you agreed to wait.”
“I… Caleb, what am I going to wait for?” Essek looked back at him and his eyes were damp, reflecting the humming glow around them. “If I stay, I will have to live every day of my wretched life knowing that I had this chance and I refused to take it. Knowing that I made the choice, again, to let it all happen. For selfish, selfish reasons.”
“It could all happen, regardless. You agreed with me on that. That it could all still happen, anyway.”
“Or it could not happen, at all. You said we exist in a world where peace was negotiated. But we also exist in a world where there had to be a war. I could potentially save both of our nations the heartache of that. Or stave it off for decades, maybe centuries, to come.” Essek’s voice was raw and pained.
“But what of all the good you can do now? All the good you have done, helping us?”
Essek was quiet for a moment. He closed his eyes. “Do you know, what I’ve wondered?” He didn’t wait for a reply. “Just how many people had to experience the worst things of their lives because of me?” He looked at his hands. “All the people who never came home. All the people caught in the crossfire. I could undo that. I could undo those people having to go to war. I could return partners to their widows and widowers. Parents to their orphans. How… how am I supposed to not at least try?”
“Essek…”
“And I do not think that you are obligated to do this, too. You spoke of that earlier, yes? That if I felt I had to go, that I must agree that you have to, as well. And I do not believe that that is true. Our sins are different Caleb. And I believe, and I am sorry for saying it, but for you one option is no more and no less selfish or good than the other. But for me… The choice is easy.”
Then perhaps, Caleb simply couldn’t leave him with that choice. He dug into his component pouch and, quickly as he could, focused on the pedestal, trying to will the magic to dissipate, trying to dispel. But he deflated as it frustratingly, heartbreakingly kept glowing. As if it was waiting.
Essek glanced at the pedestal before looking at Caleb. “I suppose I cannot fault you for trying that.”
“No. You can’t.” Caleb kept his hand at his component pouch. “You are acting on impulse. You are endangering yourself and you are about to ruin your life without realizing it. Come back- Come back inside the tower. We can speak about this. As much as you want to. We can find a different way for you to… to atone. We can do that together. Come, clear your mind, trance over this, before you risk tearing yourself apart.” And perhaps tearing Caleb apart in the process.
“I thank you for the invitation. But I cannot accept. If I go back in, I… I fear I won’t find myself able to leave again. It was… it was not easy to do the first time.”
Then he had to go in. He had to stay. Caleb felt panic restlessly bubbling in his system. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want Essek to go. They had kissed. They had finally, fucking finally, closed that distance. He had held that part of Essek for only a few minutes. He didn’t want to lose it again. He wasn’t sure that he could. “Does that not tell you that you are being rash?”
“It tells me that I am a coward and I will take every opportunity of cowardice that I am given.” Essek just stood there, guilty, like he couldn’t leave until Caleb allowed it and Caleb wished that only that were true.
“You would have gone without saying a word.”
Essek glanced at the letter on the floor. “I… left a note, at least…”
A note. Months of unspoken things, a relationship with inclines and declines like the Ashkeeper Peaks and a wonderful, cathardic kiss. And Essek had left him a note. He wanted to be mad. But all he found was heartache because he could see, could almost feel, how reluctant Essek was to go.
“Why won’t you let me do this, Caleb? Why should I not try to make it better when I can?”
Caleb tried to think of something rational or logical. How he could endanger them all. How he could be destabilizing time around them. How he couldn’t know what awful consequences he was going to unleash by stopping himself. But the only thing he could form into words was not sensible or logical at all. “Because I cannot lose you.”
Essek hunched his shoulders further.
“Did you let me kiss you so that I would not scrutinize you any further?”
“No, I did not… I was not sure whether I was going to leave… right away…”
“And when did that occur to you? That you were simply going to abandon me- us in the middle of the night?”
“When I realized that, likely, it is now or never. When the pieces began to fall into place as I stepped into the tower.”
“Did you- Were you- Were you using me? For this?”
Essek opened his mouth. He shut it again. “I don’t think that I was, no.”
“And if you are intent on leaving, how come you still stand here? Because of your doubts, Essek. Listen to them.”
Essek said nothing, which meant everything. For a silent moment it was just Caleb, his hands raised ready to cast, Essek standing there and the ominous glow of the pedestal. “Even if I were to be selfish… The Dynasty and the Assembly are after me. One or the other will get their hands on me. And it is my fault. There is no place in this world for me, anymore… Not as I have made it.”
“You know you always have a place with me, with us, is that not enough?”
“It is more than enough. It is more than I deserve. But that is not what this is about… and I think… I think you know that, Caleb.”
“Why are you making this choice for both of us?”
“It is not-“
“I don’t want to never have met you. I don’t want to not have gotten to know and care about you. Whatever good or bad made it happen or came of it since. I know you can do good like this, I know I can, too. This isn’t- It’s not as clear cut as you think. It is not. I do not want to not know you. I do not want you to be erased from my head.”
“Caleb, please.”
Caleb’s hands were trembling. He felt tears welling in this eyes. “What… what can I do to make you stay?”
“Caleb…”
“What is it that you need me to do? Or to say? You won’t listen when I speak of reason. You won’t listen when I speak of emotion. What will you listen to? Is it the threat upon your life? Do I need to promise to protect you from both nations alike? I will. If you need me to promise you a safe space within the Nein, you will have it. If you require support on this new path of good you are pursuing, by the gods, Essek, it will be given to you, just tell me-” His voice cracked. “Tell me what I can do.”
Caleb saw tears rolling down Essek’s cheeks. “There is nothing, Caleb. I am… I am so sorry.” Essek cringed. “I don’t want to hurt you… it breaks my heart. Because everything I feel for you is so genuine and real. I wanted to kiss you, I did, and I still do. And knowing that you care for me, as well, I… I don’t want to go.”
“Then don’t! Stay! We can find a way for you to live with this burden. You’ve already done so much good, don’t throw it away now… gods, Essek, you have a chance, still, in this life, please don’t throw it away.”
“I am sorry, Caleb. Truly.” Essek turned and began to step up the pedestal.
“Essek, no- Essek-“ Caleb tried for another spell to keep Essek from moving, but this, too, failed.
“I hope that you will forget me… it will be easier, right?”
“Essek, don’t, I’m begging you-“ Caleb stumbled after him.
“I won’t- I understand if you will resent me. It is fine. At least you know why I am doing this.” He arrived on top of the circle.
Caleb tried to will his hands to cast something, anything. He tried another Dispel Magic. It failed. “If you’ve ever had any care at all for me-“
“I do. I care for you. I think… I think I am beginning to fall in love with you, even. So, please, know that this is not an easy choice… but it is a necessary one. I am sorry, Caleb, deeply, truly sorry, that I let it escalate to a kiss before. And I am sorry that I feigned disinterest in leaving. I am sorry for that last manipulation. But I have to try.” Essek sounded broken. “I cannot stay.”
“You don’t… Essek… you don’t have to…”
“I am sorry, Caleb.” Essek raised his hands. “Thank you for everything you’ve done. Meeting you was the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.”
Caleb readied a Counterspell.
Essek made a gesture. “Goodbye, Caleb.”
The Counterspell flew. It missed its mark.
And then, Essek Thelyss was gone.
And Caleb had nothing left in him, except to fall to his knees and sob, feeling completely shattered and hollowed out.
-
They told him that he was dangerously close to hypothermia when they tried to drag him into the tower hours later. He was still kneeling in that room, staring at that pedestal and clinging to himself as thought someone had taken a piece of him. He was waiting for something to happen. For Essek to come back. But there was only that damned echo, that fake imitation, without mind or speech or wit.
Caleb was clinging to the letter like it was a lifeline.
He thought of a kiss. And it hurt like hells.
He thought of a goodbye. And he broke a little more.
He did not sleep that night, too afraid that, once he woke, he would have forgotten Essek and everything they had shared. Instead, he laid awake, thinking about the future they could have had. And it proved pointless. Because Essek Thelyss was gone. And perhaps, they had never even met.