Work Text:
As they themselves might have said, here's some deja vu:
I miss Four.
How did I end up here again?
I sit alone under the stars. My eyes gaze out into the furthest reaches of space. If it were a normal day, I'd have someone - you know who - sitting next to me. Talking to me. But I haven't had a normal day in months.
I sit alone.
Why is it that I always find myself silently begging for someone who may never come? Asking myself what I could have done to help? Wishing more than anything that I'd have been better to them?
How did I take them for granted again?
I'm a fool.
I sigh. The endless night sky tugs at my heartstrings. This was always one of their favorite things to do with me; it almost feels disrespectful to do it on my own. Yet nothing else has been able to ease the pain I feel. I have no choice.
You may think I deserve this. And you'd be right. Because how idiotic, how selfish, how clueless must I be to let this happen twice? I'm always so blind to their pain when it's at its worst. And now that they're gone, all I can do is feel sorry for myself. God, I'm a horrible person.
The moon begins to pull me into the calm release of sleep, but as I feel myself slip away, I'm anything but calm.
I'm angry.
This time, the intangible voice in my head wins.
I wake up in a field of forget-me-nots. Now, where have I seen this before...?
"X!"
All too clearly, a familiar voice rings out. Despite my grief, I can't help but feel my heart set aflutter by the sound of them saying my name. I turn around to see them running towards me, a sweet smile stretched across their face. Though aware I'm dreaming, I can't understand why they're happy.
The closer they get to me, the harder it is to keep it together. Their features become clearer. Their beam becomes wider. I can feel myself falling in love with them all over again; such a wonderful feeling, and yet I wish this dream could end already. My subconscious likes to torture me.
Once they're close enough, they sit down in front of me and start trying to talk to me.
"How are you? I've missed you so much!"
Why?
"I'm alright, Four."
I miss calling them by name to their face. I know it's such a small, trivial thing, but it reminds me of when they were still here. At least dreams can allow me to relive that...even if it doesn't last long.
"Are you sure?" They ask. "You seem upset about something. You know you can talk to me."
Their concern towards me pushes me to my limit. I break down and start sobbing; then crying; then wailing. I try to say something, but nothing coherent forms. I end up wrapping my arms around them and squeezing them so hard they'd have probably suffocated if this wasn't a dream.
Suddenly, without the time to consider what I'm saying, I hear myself yell out - though it doesn't feel like the words are my own. "Stop it! Stop playing with my heart! Stop torturing me like this!" I scream between sobs. "How could you be so cruel to me, Four?! How could you leave me again?! I can't fucking take it!"
"But... I haven't left you, X. I'm not sure what you mean!" I don't sense any sort of teasing tone from them; their confusion is genuine. How, though? Surely they realize I can't contact them at all?
Still sobbing, I pull away from the hug and look up at them. For some reason, they now look strangely innocent...in fact, they look just like how they did when they were younger.
Right. This is a dream.
Yet it being a dream doesn't stop me from getting unbearably emotional at their new appearance; I'm reminded of a happier time. Why can't I just go back? My sobbing becomes more intense. My head is spinning...
"You're hyperventilating."
I'm aware of their words as they speak to me, but I can't calm down. Not when they give me that sweet look, their eyebrows furrowed in worry and concern shining in their eyes...
I blink. They look older again. Why is this happening? What kind of weird dream symbolism is my brain trying to give me? I wish I could wake up, but...wait, why can't I wake up? I realize there's something stopping me. But what could that be?
"X..." I hear their voice again. It pulls me further in. "Don't yell at me like that again. It's not nice." I feel a pang of guilt. "Now, please," they continue, "tell me what's wrong! I don't like seeing you sad like this… And it's out of character for you to get this emotional. Something's bothering you; I can tell."
"Why are you playing dumb, Four?" I hear myself say. "You know full well that this is your fault! You left me like this! Now I'm all alone!" I can't understand why I'm throwing these accusations at them. My own thoughts are completely incoherent at this point - a jumbled mess of garbage. I'm angry, angrier than anything in the world, but my emotions feel nonsensical.
I hear myself continue to yell at them, my words getting more and more vile. I can see tears streaming down their face. They beg me to stop, but I can't. I just want to stop. Why can't I stop? I'm starting to think there's something seriously wrong with me. Something's keeping me trapped in this terrible nightmare. Is it them? Is it my brain?
Is it myself?
Words cut through my thoughts.
"I LOVE YOU, X!"
I go quiet.
"I… I love you," they sob, "so p-please stop with all this yelling. I'm sorry. I can't come back." So they are aware. "I just can't. Y-you have to leave me alone… It's best for you. And everyone up there, too." Their voice is shaky, and I notice their hands trembling. Almost as though they're afraid of me...huh.
I'm not angry anymore.
My gaze softens, and I take their hands in my own. "Four… I'm sorry. I'm just… I miss you. So much. And I've no idea what could have made you think I'm better off without you… We're a team!" I notice the fear in their expression fading. "I'm just not the same when you're not here, and I feel so lonely all the time now..."
They avert their eyes. "This is what I mean. I ruined your life. You need to be able to live without me, or I'll just keep hurting you."
I find myself taken aback by their words. "Ruined my life? Four, you saved me." I desperately meet their gaze as it travels back up to me. "I'm so much happer with myself than I'm sure I'd have ended up being if I hadn't met you. Sure, you slip up with me sometimes, but I know how hard you've been trying to be better! And I'm here to help you through that." I manage to give a smile. "I guess I might not make it clear enough, but I love you too."
"...Thank you, X." A smile creeps onto their face as well. "I just hope you understand, I still can't come back. At least not for a while." I'm willing to accept that. "But, until then…" Abruptly, their expression floods with desire. They gently pull my face closer to theirs with both hands. "I-I need you to kiss me one last time."
As though realizing what they said, their cheeks become flushed with purple. I can feel my own getting hotter as well. Breathless, I give a brief nod before embracing them tightly, planting my lips on theirs.
I can feel passion surging through me. I hear them let out a grunt of surprise before kissing back, and I pull them in deeper. Their hands tightly grip the area just under my shoulders. Time seems to stop all around us; right now, we're the only two things in the entire world. I don't want this to end.
Their breathing quickens, becoming heavier and heavier the longer we continue for. It's so cute. I'm lucky to have such an adorable best friend… and partner. I'll never forget the day I finally told them how I feel. I'm suddenly overcome with the realization of just how much I love them, and it fills me with euphoria. Nothing could ruin this moment.
Shivering, I tighten my embrace to deepen the kiss one last time. They moan at this, seemingly with alarm, and I notice that their body now presses up against my own enough for me to feel the rise and fall of their chest. I'm surrounded by their warmth. God, I missed this…
We slowly pull away from each other. It's clear that we both wish this could've gone on forever. I find myself entranced by their soft, loving gaze, and a comfortable shared silence fills the air.
They let out a quiet sigh. "I wish you didn't have to leave here."
"Leave?" I echo their words with confusion. "What do you mean?"
Their eyes cloud with concern as they furrow their eyebrows. "Don't tell me you've forgotten?"
"I can't understand what you're-"
This is a dream.
"...Oh."
Suddenly, as though a black hole is sucking me in, everything around me begins to spiral into darkness. All at once, I can feel my grip on my subconscious begin to wane. Chaos takes hold, and then…
I wake up.
The sunlight burns my retinas.