Archive of Our Own

“Molly? It’s Jester! Just checking up on you to see if the stones are working. If they are, say the word snickerdoodle in your reply! We really miss you, by the way. We stopped by in Zadash yesterday to talk to the Gentleman and let him know what happened to Cree—did you know he’s my dad? Crazy, right? You were right! I found what I was looking for and I didn’t even know it!

How are you? Did you find Gustav? Where are you right now? Answer as soon as possible, okay? Bye!”

--

“Hi, Jes. It’s—It’s Mollymauk. Still. Thank the gods for that. Uh—snickerdoodle, by the way. Yeah, the stones are working, I heard your voice loud and clear as a bell. I miss you all too. What do you mean the Gentleman’s your fucking dad? What have you all been up to while I’ve been gone? And—what, I was right?

...Oh.

Well! I’d say it wasn’t me, I’m just a vessel for higher powers, but that’s an old line and right now I don’t feel much like a vessel.

I haven’t found Gustav yet. I don’t even know if I’ll find him, we always had a way of keeping out of sight in the circus. You say he’s been free a while? ‘S’good, he deserves that. Makes things a whole lot harder than they need to be, of course, it would be so much easier if he had stayed so I could—

—no. No, don’t—don’t think like that. That doesn’t belong to you.

Sorry. Just...suppose I’m not used to this being whole thing, I guess. It’s really not all that it’s cracked up to be, Jes, I’ll tell you that. Anyway, I’m in Hupperdook at the moment. I bought a new coat. You’ll like it, it’s very shiny and golden. Maybe we’ll run into each other again, at some point. Anyway, I have to go. There’s a few things I ought to do here.”

--

“Hi—Molly, was it? It’s Caduceus. We met on the city? It was a pleasure to actually meet you and not, you know, the fellow piloting your body. We sent you a care package a little while ago, you should’ve gotten it by now, since Jester went and got a friend of her god’s to help her out there. Let us know when you get it, we’d love to hear from you again.

Anyway. We’re in Xhorhas right now. We have a house here, with a rooftop garden, you can stop by any time you want, even if we’re not in. It’s peaceful there, and you can pray to the Moonweaver whenever you want, it’s always night in Xhorhas, on account of all the drow. I’m—sorry, about how we made you whole again. I know it’s not easy. I put something in the care package that might help, and I hear from reliable sources it’s very good tea.

Hold on, we have to go. We need to make sure Essek makes it through the week.”

--

“It’s Molly. I got your package. I have never before been given a package by a glowy...thing? I have no idea how to describe it, other than it glowed and it gave me a very nice-looking package with a little doodle in the corner. Chamomile tea is my favorite, how’d you know?

I’m...really not sure what I’m supposed to say, about this being made whole business. I don’t—I hate it, I don’t want these, these memories that were his. And they’re his, not mine. Not mine. I know you meant well and I know it was maybe the only way, but—well, you’re not wrong. It wasn’t easy. He’s gone and I’m me, but there’s...extraneous bits, I guess you could call them? That used to be him, floating around inside my head. But it’s fine. I can handle it. But thanks, for the tea.

Also. What’s all this scuttlebutt I hear about a little ragtag band defying the wishes of both the King and the Bright Queen?”

--

“Molly—it’s Veth. Or Nott. You know, little goblin girl turned halfling? Yeah. Uh, so. We. May have. Broken Essek out of prison. But they don’t know about you! You can still come hang out at the Xhorhaus, yes that’s what it’s called, you just, uh, should probably keep your connection to us on the down-low. As it were. Also while you’re looking for Gustav could you drop by Zadash, talk to Luc and Yeza for me? You can reply to this message.”

--

“Veth, it’s Molly. Uh. So, your husband and your kid invited themselves along? I told ‘em it was my first time traveling alone, and then Luc started chanting about wanting to come with me and Yeza tried to calm him down and Luc started crying and I, I just, I didn’t. I didn’t want—he was crying, so I just blurted out the first thing I could think of. So now I have a kid and a chemist with me. So much for being alone, I guess, but then I’m horrible at being alone. Whenever I’m alone with myself I do a lot of thinking. Sometimes I start thinking a lot more like Caleb than I’d like.

...maybe that’s too much. But you’d know, wouldn’t you. If I ever start sounding like Caleb in these messages, please let me know.

I miss you lot. I hear you popped up in Nicodranas and took a ship before you ran off again. Should I drop in there too?

Oh. Right, hey. Jester’s mother says hello, and she misses you. She and the Gentleman are talking again—I think there’s something there.”

--

“Molly! Hi! It’s Jester again! We’re pirates! Sort of! Again! Pirates of pirates? So we were on our ship and then we ran into a pirate ship and we kicked all their asses super hard, and then we just ended up taking their ship too because it would be kind of a waste of a really good ship, plus there’s like a bunch of people here who are actually really good at their jobs, there’s someone here who’s the third best cook I’ve ever met and the best baker, so we have like. Two ships now! We’re badasses!

Anyway, we’re going to go meet up Fjord’s—friend? Ex-boyfriend? Rival? Ehhhh. We got a bounty hunter to track him down for us, so now we’re going to go meet her. Whatever you do, don’t come near Nicodranas. I think you still have the orb? But yeah, don’t come after us! Just stay on land so Uk’otoa (Uk’otoa) doesn’t come after you.

How are Mama and Dad? Were they touching hands? Were they looking into each other’s eyes? Tell me everything!

We’ll be sending you guys an even bigger care package! There’s a bunch of toys in there for Luc, and a bunch of toys for Yeza, courtesy of Veth. Byeeee.”

--

“Jester, it’s Molly. I was going to tell you we ran into the bandits again and they surrendered immediately because your care package arrived when they were lining up an ambush for a different person, some gnome with twigs in her hair. I think the glowy thing spooked them. Anyway, now we not only have an impressive and frankly terrifying amount of toys, we also have some poor fellow’s pants, and also a gnome whose name is—Twiggy? She’s nice. She knows you lot.

Although, well, I have no idea how to top the pirates thing. It’s honestly been rather boring. I don’t think the Assembly knows who I—who he was, so we’ve just been coasting along. The only eyewitnesses belong to the Xhorhasians’ side, and from what I can tell nobody’s talking just yet.

I do still have the orb, yeah. It’s weird. I just haven’t been looking at it very much. After Cognouza, I—I don’t know if I can trust myself right now. I scare me when I look at it. He scares me, I mean. I think I’ll give it to Twiggy, she has an impressive amount of stuff in her bag.

Your parents were—I dunno, they were just talking? I got the feeling they were fumbling around whatever it was they had at that moment. The Gentleman was a little unhappy about losing Cree, but I spun him a bullshit tale about her losing her life in a pitched battle on the stormy seas. Better than what she got, anyway. Quicker, too.

...I ought to ask Caleb if this is what he feels like all the time. Like the guilt just won’t—no, no. No. Not now. Not here.

Can I talk to you and Caduceus, next time we meet?”

--

Molly,

This care package contains one half of a pair of mirrors that act much like sending stones, but they are much faster and enable conversations to be had over them. I cannot guarantee we’ll be able to answer all the time, the stones are still far more reliable there, but if you want to speak to any of us without the delay, we can arrange a time through the stones.

But this is not entirely why I am writing this letter.

Are you all right? Your past few messages, you’ve spoken a little about—extraneous bits and not trusting yourself. (We are often very crammed together when we can get your messages and it is not hard to hear your voice.) It worries me to know you are mired in doubt because of Lucien’s actions and the bits of him you couldn’t completely supplant. I am sorry that the joining was so traumatic, but I can assure you of this much: he can never do any harm again. He is gone and you are your own.

You know you can talk to us about this, right? Whenever you want. We’ll do what we can to help.

Caleb Widogast

PS. This is Essek, of the Mighty Nein. I am here to say that you can talk to me, as well. I have some experience in not feeling like I can trust myself, and you seem friendlier than the last occupant of your body. Just...be kind to yourself, is what I’ve learned. There are people who will love you anyway.

--

“Molly, it’s Fjord. We, uh. Might be a little tied up for a bit. On account of—Veth stop fucking kicking me—the part where the Plank King is now actively trying to fucking kill us. We won’t be answering any messages for, oh, a couple of days, but I promise you we’re gonna get through them the second we’re safe. We have Sabien, though! And he has an orb! So we might be sending an orb along to you sometime soon, once we figure out how the fuck to get it out of him.

Shut the fuck up, Sabien, I’m talking to a friend here!

Sorry. We stuffed him in the brig. We’re gonna go find Vandren, hopefully, and maybe he’ll have some idea what we can do here. Hope to see you again soon.”

--

“It’s Molly! I got the orb and gave it to Twiggy. You people are absolutely fucking insane. Let me know the second you’re all safe.

Anyway. We cleared out a haunted house today, me, Twiggy, and a monk? Seems to know Beau. Says their name’s Dairon. They were just passing by on the way to something else they weren’t going to talk about, but I asked for their help and managed to talk them into it. I think they had fun—it wasn’t anything much more complicated than hitting a bunch of ghosts really hard and destroying a few things.

It’s nice having something uncomplicated to fight.

Dairon’s not here anymore, by the way. They told me to keep my share and went off to do whatever it is monks of the Cobalt Soul do for a job, I’ve no idea. But they asked me how Beau was, and I said she was doing fine but had accidentally started a fight with Darktow, last I checked. They seemed proud of that. They wanted to ask her when she could come by, something about someone’s trial. Don’t worry, the Cobalt Soul would hide her so the Empire doesn’t come sniffing around.

Yeza and Luc say hello and they miss you. Luc’s been practicing shooting things. We’re gonna be heading to Deastok, there’s a lead on Gustav’s whereabouts there. I’ll let you know if I find him.

And...thanks. For the offers.”

--

“Hey, you obnoxious little asshole, it’s Beau. We’re fine. Little fucked up but fine. Essek’s the Plank King now by the way? I swear we didn’t mean to accidentally install him as a pirate king, but Vandren suggested it and, y’know, it’s perfect. Now he’s the sovereign of an entire pirate nation and nobody can do shit about it. Anyway, we’re unbanned from Darktow and hanging out with Essek for a bit until we need to go again.

Sent a message to Dairon via Jester. Dairon says she ran into you, I think she likes you. We’re gonna be stopping in on Zadash again in a couple of months, so I can testify at the trial. It’s…

Listen. I know you probably—you’re not in a good place to travel regularly with us again. You’re looking for Gustav to get answers from him, and that’s fine. I respect that. But if you can drop in, say hi, come take some drugs with me like old times, I’d appreciate it. Thanks.”

--

“Hello, unpleasant one, yes, I will drop in, and no, I will not turn down the opportunity for drugs, are you kidding? Veth can take Luc and Yeza, I really need to unwind.

Anyway, it’s a couple of months, I’ll probably be able to find Gustav or at least pick up a new lead in a couple of months. Where are you all right now? Have you got free time? We oughta break in those new mirrors.”

--

“Hey. It’s Molly. Again. This isn’t—You don’t have to acknowledge this message even exists. In fact I think my pride might prefer it that way. But I’m drunk and I’m feeling sorry for myself and I have to vent to someone, and the options are a child, Veth’s husband, and a gnome whose idea of comfort is eating enough chocolate to make herself sick. So.

I keep thinking about Cree. About the rest of them. Stupid, I know. Can’t do anything about it now. But he left them all to die for a fucking power trip and then instead you all burst in and pulled me back out and, and helped me take back over. Eat him, as it were. Sorry, is that—is that too dark to say? You see why I can’t tell this to Luc or Yeza or Twiggy. But I keep thinking about, about them, y’know? They loved him. They were devoted to him. Cree fucking raised him from the dead, and she was his best friend since they were kids and I—he did that to her. He just...left her there. He just let them all die for fucking nothing.

I hated them, y’know? Me, not him. They thought I was just some empty spark. But they didn’t deserve that, nobody does. And he just. He left them. He, I, he turned on them.

I don’t want to own that. I’m not—I’m not the kind of person who, who could leave someone behind like that. Who could do that to someone who loved me. But you made me whole and now I remember it all like it was me, and I know it’s fucking—it was the only thing we could do, the only way you stood a chance but now what am I supposed to do? How can I tell myself I’m better when sometimes I catch myself thinking the exact same way he would? What—What kind of person is that? Is that the sort of person who can be trusted around you?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m throwing myself a pity party here. But I lie and I cheat and I steal and sometimes I kill, but I always thought I’d never betray. But her screaming, the city screaming, those fucking eyes, how he treated you—am I capable of that now? Am I capable of, of betraying other people just because they’re in my way? People who love me? People I love?

God fucking dammit I need another drink. And a good lay. I can’t deal with this.

I’m gonna go see if there’s a brothel around here somewhere. Just...forget I said all that, yeah? Yeah.”

--

“Molly? It’s Yasha. I heard you.

We’re pretty busy right now, I’m not going to lie. Something else involving Fjord came up, and we have to tie off this thing with Uk’otoa, before anything else happens. But I have some time, and I have the stone and the mirror. So, um. I’m here. You can talk to me.

Please.”

--

“Yash? You still there?”

“Yeah! Yeah. Hi, Molly. You sound—uh, really hungover right now.”

“I’m really feeling it, yep. I didn’t get laid last night, got too drunk to stand at all so Twiggy and Yeza hauled me back.”

“You could take it out. The hangover, anyway.”

“...I don’t know if I want to.”

“Why?”

“The whole—the thing. That I can do. I keep seeing the spaces where the eyes were and it makes me want to throw up. I hate the, the reminders, that he had this body, that he did all these shitty awful things and now I’m the one stuck with the bag. It feels like even beyond the grave he’s still got the last laugh. The fucker.”

“He doesn’t. He doesn’t even have a, a consciousness or a soul left, we made sure of that.”

“What if you’re wrong? What if he’s still lurking in the back of my head? Or worse what if the worst bits of him are the bits that survived, and I’m headed down the same path?”

“Can I—I have to tell you something.”

“What?”

“A little while ago I was—possessed, too. Charmed. Under someone else’s control. That person used me to, to do things I never would’ve done otherwise. I killed so many people for him. I almost killed Beau. I was in there, the whole time, and I couldn’t fight him. I couldn’t come out. Everything he made me do I did without hesitation.”

“...is he dead?”

“Very dead. I killed him.”

“Good.”

“Yeah. Good. The thing is...he’s dead, and he can’t do anything to me, anymore. But he left bits of, of himself scattered around my head. Sometimes I catch myself thinking the way he would, and it’s, it’s really terrifying. But it isn’t...I don’t know how to explain this, but—it’s just, it’s debris from someone who no longer exists. Nothing else. There’s nothing Lucien can do to you now, Molly. You get the last laugh, here. You get your body back, and your life.”

“...what if I inherit everything else he did? What if I’m capable of the exact things he did?”

“Would you do it?”

“No!”

“Do you want to do it?”

“Gods, no!”

“Then does it matter? Veth trusts you with her family. We tell you where we’re going all the time. You’ve never turned on us. You’re better than he could ever hope to be.”

“I...I really wish I could believe that.”

“I know. I tell myself that everyday and it doesn’t always sink in. But maybe it might help you. And if it doesn’t—I trust you. Do you trust me?”

“Yeah. Yeah, with my life.”

“Trust me to know what I’m talking about.”

--

Mollymauk,

I am settling into Darktow and the role of Plank King just fine, although I will admit it’s something of an adjustment from my previous positions. Caleb has said that you have been on a lookout for people from your circus. You’ll be surprised to hear we’ve accidentally picked up a few—we raided a ship belonging to the Iron Empire of rhe Reynsfal Plateau some days ago, and they held a hostage you might know: a halfling contortionist. They seemed surprised to hear I’d heard of you.

Do you want to come visit? I have a soil sample of Nicodranas, I can fetch you and whatever party you choose to assemble there. It’ll be good to see you again—I’ve kept in regular contact with the rest of the Nein, but at the moment they’re tracking down the rest of the Uk’otoa cult. You’ll like Darktow, it’s disreputable and strangely charming.

Yours,
Essek, of the Mighty Nein

--

“Guys! Hey, guys! It’s Molly! And Essek’s here too, say hi, Essek!”

“Hello! Caleb, you’re doing the dunamantic exercises I showed you, I trust?”

“Hah, nerds. Anyway: I’m heading to Tal’Dorei! Surprise. It’s for a good reason—Essek’s pirates raided a slaver ship from there and rescued the hostages. One of them’s Mona. She’s—She’s okay, but Yuli’s trapped in the Iron Empire. So I have to go find her. Essek’s sent word to his brother and we’re really hoping the fellow decides that fucking up an empire built on slavery is much more important than fighting his brother for treason.”

“If there’s anything we can trust Verin to do, it’s the right thing and the greater good. Anyway, even if he tells the Bright Queen I’m here, I’m the sovereign of Darktow and I have no plans for an extradition treaty. Also, the pirates seem to like me.”

“Ran into a woman named Cassandra in Nicodranas, by the way. She’s joining up too, so at the very least I won’t be the idiot trying to find Yuli by himself. We’ll be sending Yeza and Luc back to Marion—so don’t worry too much for their safety, N—Veth. Veth. We love you assholes. Come back alive.”

“Yes, please do. I’d be very unhappy if we survived Aeor only for Fjord’s comparatively less powerful patron to take you out.”

“...yeah.”

“Oh—Mollymauk, I’m sorry. I didn’t know—”

“No, hey, no, it’s fine! It’s fine. Hey, you know what, you should tour us around while we’re here! See the sights. I’ve always wanted to see Darktow for myself.”

“Mm. Certainly. But—”

“It’s okay. Really.”

“...if you’re sure.”

“Anyway, see you around, Mighty Nein!”

--

“Mollymauk? It’s Caleb. I dearly hope you are all right. I know a little of the Iron Empire of which you speak—their emperor is a ruthless, terrible man by the name of Tz’Jarr, and his empire is a brutal place to live, even for a free man. From what Beauregard has been able to uncover, the Iron Empire has been trying to expand northward, and much of what stands in its way are small villages and hamlets, towns full of people who wish to live in peace. I know you only want to save Yuli, and I wish you the best there. But please—do not push yourself too hard. I’ve been there. It is not a good place to go.

You are a good man, Mollymauk. There are people who love you. Come back to us alive and yourself, please.”

--

“Caleb Widogast? Mighty Nein? This is Cassandra Johanna von Musel Klossowski de Rolo, of Whitestone. Mollymauk Tealeaf is all right—he’s been very valuable in helping destabilize the Iron Empire’s illicit slavery business, but he pushed himself too hard too often. He’s recuperating in Whitestone right now. He’s fine, before you ask—he didn’t die, but he took the brunt of a lot of hurt in saving his friend. We’re looking after him now.

He told me to speak to you, to let you know where he was. He misses you. And—he said to say snickerdoodle? He seemed to trust that it would make sense to you.”

--

Essek,

I like your friends! They’re a very unique bunch. I can’t say I understand why you like them so much, but I’m glad you’ve made some, although I have to admit they’re a lot more rambunctious than I thought you’d prefer. Except for the wizard. He seems exactly your type. The purple one’s not quite, but hey, the heart wants what it wants, I guess.

Listen, I’ve spoken to the Bright Queen. I think I can try to get her to downgrade your sentence into exile instead. You’ve technically already gone into exile anyway, so this would just be confirming it. I also told her to go easy on your friends—from what you’ve told me they came here in the first place simply because the husband of one of their number was being kept in one of our cells, and then they went to Aeor to rescue a different friend, so this was honestly just them going by their instincts once more. It’s highly likely they didn’t know what you had done (and please don’t say or write anything else to the contrary, let them have a dash of plausible deniability). The house is theirs again.

I can’t say I’ve always understood your decisions, little brother. But you seem happy.

Anyway, Mollymauk is recuperating fine, but I’m a little worried for him. You mentioned he’d been through a lot lately. You didn’t mention he was reckless as all hell, and that’s saying something coming from me. I think he’s trying to prove something to himself, and I wonder if he’s decided whatever happens to him doesn’t matter as long as he achieves that goal. You should come see him and talk some sense into him, he told me the Nein were probably trying to survive against a tentacled demigod at the moment. I didn’t ask him what he meant by that.

(And I also want to see your face again, I will admit that.)

I love you, little brother. That hasn’t changed one whit.

Yours,
Verin

--

“Hi, it’s Molly. Do not come near Whitestone until you’ve finished with Uk’otoa. I really don’t want to lose you lot to some jilted ex-patron of Fjord’s, although I think we should form a club, Fjord. But anyway.

I’m all right. Bits of me are still twinging, but all right. More importantly Mona and Yuli are safe and reunited, and the Iron Empire has been well and truly fucked over, by the emperor’s own heir apparently. He seems like a decent fellow, if a little more sheltered than I thought he would be. Nothing like his father, although that comes with the caveat that I’ve never met his father. If you hear about a roguishly handsome tiefling in a shiny golden coat participating in a coup in Tal’Dorei, please don’t be shocked, it’s me, and the coup was against an emperor who poisoned his last wife.

You ought to finish up your business first, then come visit me. I’ll be fine, I’m in illustrious company and have been since I picked up Cassie in Nicodranas. My god, a princess. Apparently she’s looking to do some adventuring now and I’m just the fellow to help her along there. She has an honest-to-gods castle. I am going to be more than fine.

Caduceus, Jester, when you get this, once you’re safe, can we talk over the mirrors? There’s something I’ve been thinking of doing for some time.”

--

“Hiiiii, Molly! Hi, it’s so good to hear from you!”

“We’re safe, we’re all right. Bloodied and heavily injured, but nothing a long trip to Tal’Dorei can’t fix. Good to hear you’ve been busy.”

“Yeah, we heard you kicked an emperor’s teeth in!”

“I didn’t even meet the fellow! I was a bit busy being skewered. I’m fine now, though, promise. You sure you can spare the time?”

“Yeah, we can. The demigod who’s been plaguing Fjord has been...taken care of, let’s say.”

“What Caduceus means is Uk’otoa is dead now. Like, really, super dead.”

“I think that puts you guys up at three godlike beings killed? Yeah, three, if you count the volcano god you were all telling me about.”

“...oh shit, are we making a habit of killing evil fake gods?”

“Yeah, seems like it.”

“Three is a very high number of fake gods to kill, you have to admit! But anyway, catching up aside, I wanted to ask you something in all your cleric-y wisdom.”

“Well, sure, go ahead. This ought to be interesting.”

“...how do you become a cleric?”

“Oh my gosh! Really?”

“Oh, yeah, definitely interesting. Why become a cleric?”

“So I don’t bleed out on the ground when I cut myself open, for starters. And...I don’t know, I want to stop doing that as much—cutting myself open for power. It doesn’t—It doesn’t feel good, I don’t like doing it. I never exactly liked doing it but before—before, I didn’t really hate it either. It’s just, y’know, a thing I did that helped in fights.”

“Molly—”

“Jes—I don’t want to talk about it. Please don’t ask me to.”

“At some point you may have to, though.”

“Not this point, though, not now. Uh. Anyway, moving on quickly, I’ve been visiting the local Moonweaver shrine lately. Very tiny. Not a whole lot of visitors. I definitely saw at least two people sneaking off for a little private time a couple times, but other than that it’s really nothing to write home about. But it’s been...peaceful. And I have been praying a little more recently, lately. I’m just not sure what the requirements are.”

“There aren’t any! You just talk to the Moonweaver, I talk to Artie all the time. Or you could do what Caduceus does, I guess.”

“What I do is meditate. The Wildmother is far less direct than the Traveler, but if you learn to meditate and focus on your god’s voice, however it manifests, you can hear it all around you.”

“Like from a weasel.”

“Yes, like from a weasel. But it’s a lot easier to do it in their domain, and I do have to admit—the Moonweaver’s more of a trickster deity than the Wildmother. Might be she won’t do a whole lot of talking indirectly, but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t hear her. Just...look for hints of her in your surroundings, I suppose.”

“I’ve got experience in tricksters! They love pranks. If you pull pranks in their name they’d be really pleased! Oh, and the Moonweaver watches over secret trysts, right? It’s why people sneak off all the time to fuck in her shrine!”

“I—yes, she does, how’d you know that?”

“It was in Tusk Love II.”

“Wait, there’s a sequel? I didn’t know there was a sequel. I want to get my hands on this sequel.”

“I’ll give you my copy!”

“Anyway. You know the Moonweaver better than either of us, I’d imagine. Just ask for her blessing and live by her tenets, and I’m sure you’ll get her attention. You’re very—eye-catching, as a person.”

“That’s...that’s mostly just bullshit.”

“I’ve met her. Seems right up her alley, if you ask me.”

“You’ve what.”

“Oh, shit, we forgot to mention that, didn’t we? We’ll tell you all about it when we get there!”

--

“Hi, Caleb. I’m about to get rather maudlin here, so I hope to god you’re the one holding the stone right now, because this is going to be embarrassing to explain to someone not you.

It’s...pretty quiet, in Whitestone. I dropped in at this little shrine to the Moonweaver a couple days ago, and Caduceus and Jester will be excited to hear it, but I could swear I felt something. A little bit more peace than I’ve felt in a while. It’s been helpful, these visits, but I can’t always make them. I’ve been looking for the rest of the old circus here, too—no one here besides me, Mona and Yuli, and they’re...they’re not in the best shape. They’re getting better every day, but they used to be so talkative and snarky, y’know? Prankish little assholes. They dumped me in a lake one time, which was how I found out I could swim.

They’re not...they spent a while stuck in the Iron Empire. Apparently they took a ship out of Wildemount and the ship got captured by slavers. They won’t sleep without each other in sight, and I can’t touch either of them without seeing them flinch. Yuli can’t bend her little finger all that well, did you know?

I don’t regret it. Going after the people who hurt them and split them up. But what scares me is how...how easy it was to go back. The asshole who had Yuli locked up in a cage had a wizard and a cleric on his payroll and all I had to do was just snap my fingers and watch the magic fizzle out. I don’t feel bad for killing them but the way I did it—I fell back on the blood magic, easy. And I want to say that, that Lucien just took back over and fell away the second I didn’t need him, but it wasn’t that way at all. The one making people bleed from their faces, branding them to know where they were, cursing them so they’d swell up or slice up the person next to them, that was all me.

Remember when you killed that priest, back in Alfield? You set his head on fire, and just...collapsed. You weren’t moving until I snapped out of it. I think I did the opposite. I think I fell on the blood magic and I just could not stop until everyone who’d ever laid a fucking finger on Mona or Yuli was lying dead at my feet, and then the second they were—Twiggy worried I collapsed because of all the blood loss. But that wasn’t it. I think that was the moment the memory kicked back in.

I don’t want this anymore.

There. I said it.

I don’t want to have this blood magic anymore. It isn’t—enough, anymore, to just not use it. I keep getting into fights! I can’t not do something. I know that for some reason you’re just fine with playing with fire, and I respect that, but every time I blind somebody now I can’t help but think of Beau with her eyes going black and—I can’t. I can’t do this, anymore. Fine, I can deal with the memories, but the magic, I don’t want it, I don’t want anything to do with it.

I just want—

I want something that I can be happy with, something that doesn’t have so many terrible memories attached. And maybe I want to see the look on your faces. Maybe I want to come back and help, not now, but someday. Someday. Jester would be happy, I bet. Finally she doesn’t have to worry about healing people, and Caduceus can take a break every so often.

I have to go. Mona and Yuli just showed up looking for me. Dinner’s ready and there’s a brood of children for us to entertain.”

--

“Mollymauk, it’s Caleb.

We’re on our way to Whitestone right now, making our way through the mountains. A woman found us, by the name of Vex’ahlia—she mentioned you with amusement, so I imagine you’ve made a good impression on the townspeople.

...I won’t tell you not to get rid of the blood magic, if that is what you wish. I’ve never thought of getting rid of my own magic, but I always loved it, even after—even after I broke. The smell of expensive paper, the scratching of a quill, the satisfaction of a spell going off exactly as I thought it might? I have always loved it, I could never not. But you never felt that same kind of love for your own brand of magic, and I’m not surprised you loathe it now. If there is any way that I can help, let me know, please.

I’m sorry to hear about Mona and Yuli. I’m glad that you got them out and that they are all right now. Do they know we’re coming? Will they mind that we’re there? We sort of did break up the circus, they may blame us for a share of what happened to them.

Yasha says hello. Beau also says hello, and if you want, I can recruit her into looking closer into getting rid of the blood magic as well. She is a monk of the Cobalt Soul, she has access into places we don’t. Essek is on his way, if he is not there already.

See you soon.”

--

“Molly! It’s Jester! We’re here!”

“Jes, hon, I think he knows.”

“I’m up here on the battlements! I can see you all coming in, of course I know! Wait right there, I’ll come down.”

--

“Yash, you’re not going to get this until you leave Whitestone, mostly because why would you check the stone when I’m right here telling you about the shrine and egging you and Beau on? Congratulations on that again, by the way. I have no idea what you see in her, but I’m glad she makes you happy, I truly am.

I’m still going to find Gustav. I know I wasn’t clear why, but I’m going to tell you now: I just...want to talk to him. He was from Shady Creek Run, he must’ve realized who he was taking in. I have to ask him what he was thinking, why he did it, what is he running from. But now I’m going to start looking into the Claret Orders, into people who left the life, and ask them if they know any way to get rid of this. I’m bringing Twiggy with me, and Cassandra—she says it’s time she went adventuring too. Verin says he’s never had as much excitement as he did hanging out with me, so I’m pretty sure he’s tagging along too, he’s just going to get special dispensation from the Bright Queen for it. I imagine he’s going to say something about keeping an eye on a heretofore unknown member of the Mighty Nein, which I don’t mind. I’m not doing anything a queen might find interesting. If I can swing it I’ll ask Yeza if he wants to tag along on a couple things too, we could always use a chemist.

I’m going to come back to you, one day. Hopefully on that day I’ll be...I’ll be someone I like, again. It’s been hard but I’m on my way, and when I can look myself in the mirror again, I’ll come back.

I love and miss you. Keep in touch.

Oh, and tell Caleb—

...tell him, thank you. And that I’ve got time, lots of it.”