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it would feel like this

Summary:

Nobody gets to choose their soulmates. And Nao Egokoro wishes she could pretend they didn’t exist in the first place. But after ten years of hiding her soulmate mark - the one thing that ties her to this predetermined factor of her life - she may just have met the person to change that.

Notes:

chapter 3 1b was sO good and!! i can legally write Gin as autistic and project onto him as much as i want now :)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

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Nobody gets to choose their soulmate. That's something Nao Egokoro has always been confident in knowing.

Ever since she was a child, with the concept of soulmates loosely described to her, she dreaded the day her mark came through. It was always unpredictable, with most having theirs show up somewhere on their body at a younger age. Her friend, Shin, had his when he was 6, and it'd been covered by a scarf ever since he'd initially announced it to her and, subsequently, to everyone else in the class when he noticed. He still didn't know who shared the identical pattern — a cyan crescent moon with two diagonal stripes through it that rested below his collarbone, and didn’t make many attempts to find out. 

Nao's own came through a year and a half after. The form of a red heart, split by a duo of black waves appeared, nestled on the right side of her neck near the back. It was easy enough to hide under her hair, especially after she decided to grow it out more and more with time. Over the years, what was once shoulder-length bob fell halfway down her back in thick, pink locks that she never quite got the hang of controlling. But it was worth it to keep the matter a private one. The idea of people knowing some predetermined factor about herself was about as appealing as suddenly losing any and all passion for art. The whole thing, in her eyes, was just something to push down and never think about again. To bury under clothes or hair, however she could  

Of course, with hidden marks comes the unavoidable suspicions that follow from those around, and so Nao made sure to keep it under wraps that hers had ever come through in the first place. It still didn’t stop the assumptions. Slowed them down, made them appear nothing more than baseless rumours, at best. Some people even wondered whether Shin and Nao happened to share theirs. And while they knew soulmates could mean something platonic, and could easily serve as an out for both of them, they decided against it. It would do nothing but make more people whisper their theories behind their backs. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair to their real soulmate happened to be, if they came to change their minds. Unlike her, Shin did kind of want to find out. He just wanted to be the one to do it rather than letting rumours reach them, first.

As she grew older, Nao managed to get her parents to explain everything in detail. Soulmates wouldn’t both get their marks at the same time of their lives, but the pattern and placement were identical. One could have theirs as a toddler, while their counterpart may be well into their teens when theirs appeared. A lot of the time, it was just a way of finding the other person in the world that just worked with you. Her parents were lucky to uncover who the other was when they were still children in the same class, and had gotten together almost a decade later. They at least avoided the pressure of finding each other in later life.

The problem for Nao was that she'd spent 17 years watching people rush to find their supposed other-half, to the point where she was tired of trying to keep up. The thing about soulmate marks was that they always appeared by 18, so it wasn't like she could pretend she didn't have hers for much longer. Her birthday was late September - only a few months away. Shin wasn't much help in the situation, except for giving his regular answer of, "it's not exactly their business anyway. Don't say anything."

After the fiftieth time of hearing that suggestion, Nao didn't stop herself from groaning as her head made contact with her desk. Shin laughed, slipping down from his place on the table and onto his chair beside her to poke her head. "It's okay, Nao. People won't ask, and even if they do then you don't have to show anyone."

Mumbling in response, Nao stayed quiet as, as if on cue, someone rushed into the classroom a few desks behind. They practically slammed their bag onto the floor, whispering how “Yabusame’s mark came through last night”, and that it was definitely cute, and all sorts of things that made Nao’s head spin. 

“See?” The word came out as more of a whine than anything, muffled as she moved to look up again.

"Some people are just nosey. Plus," Shin dragged the word out. "Reko is popular. Like, to the point where we’d be hearing all about what sort of socks she's wearing if we listen hard enough. I’m sure no one will care as much as you think.”

He had a point. Ever since she joined their middle school six years ago, Reko had been well-liked by everyone, even with her 'don't come near me or I'll break your ribs' vibe. Anyone would agree she was like some mysterious band girl at first, who eventually made her way into a clique and never left. Despite following to the same high school, Nao didn’t have much chance to talk to her on her own terms, but she was always kind enough. 

The two of them stopped talking as their usual teacher came in to take attendance for the group to avoid any repercussions from not listening when they spoke. Mr Satou, or Kai as the older students tended to call him when he wasn’t around, was about as no-nonsense as you could get for a teacher without handing out detentions every other minute. So it was best to not get on his bad side just in case.

At least their lessons seemed to go by quickly, and they were off on their lunch break fairly before she could dwell too much on anything  

Nao enjoyed walking with Shin to get some lunch. While he enjoyed spending most of his time in the cafeteria, she often ran to the library to pick up some extra reading. She wasn’t as much of a brainiac as her friend. Hell, Shin was scoring highest throughout school for years. But with all the extra work he  had to do, Nao was glad to be an underachiever in most of his highest subjects.

“Before I forget,” Shin said, tapping Nao on the shoulder as they neared his classroom. “Do you have that memory stick I let you borrow? I’m gonna need to edit stuff tonight.”

“Wait, let me check my bag,” Nao began to stop, slipping the pastel backpack she’d had the best part of two years off her shoulders so she could rummage through. “I should have it in here…”

The search was cut off short, as a weight slammed into Nao and caused her to almost topple over entirely. The contents of her bag, however, managed to become completely dislodged from their holder and spilled across the corridor unceremoniously. A moment later, one of the younger students made a beeline for the exit, yelling out to their friends to wait for them.

 “ Shit, I’m sorry!” In a flash, Reko Yabusame slipped in front of her, crouching down much faster than Nao could manage and began picking things up from the floor. “I got shoved by that goddamn kid running through."

Mumbling something about how it was absolutely fine, Nao kept her hands awkwardly poised at her chest until the girl in front of her straightened up, handing the books back gently. There was a strange sensation when she moved her hands to grab the books, which it took a moment to translate as being the feeling of brushing Reko’s fingers with her own.

Taking a breath, Nao began shoving her belongings back in their place. “Thanks, Reko.”

Shin brushed up to her left shoulder, nudging with his arm. “She’s clumsy, and does this a lot on her own.”

Hey.” Nao warned in response. But when she met Shin’s eyes, she watched him pull an expression that made Nao’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. It wasn’t exactly her strong point to understand what exactly he tried to portray, especially when all he did was stare slightly more intensely at her. She shook her head, causing him to sigh quietly.

“We heard that your soulmate mark came through.” Shin turned his attention away from his friend, instead facing the new addition to the conversation. “It's great, isn't it? Like a free tattoo that you didn’t agree to.”

Fixing her hair, Reko shrugged slightly. "Yep, it's definitely something. Although, I don’t think it’s that big a deal. It’s just a mark, y’know? Doesn’t really mean much else.”

“It is a soulmate mark though.” Nao piped up, instantly regretting it as soon as the words came out. Nevertheless, she continued with them. “ I.. I mean, I know some people don’t mind but most tend to want to know who their soulmate is.”

“I guess, yeah. But that doesn’t define you.” Reko’s eyes darted between the two in front of her before settling on Nao. “You haven’t had your mark come through yet, have you?”

Nao didn’t offer more of an answer other than a shake of her head.

“Right. Guess the glamour wears off when you have it, then. Anyway, I’d best be off.” Reko peered over to the side, watching for something. It seemed that she found it, as a moment later she lifted her hand into a wave. “Gotta get to class.”

But Nao was hardly listening, as the movement of her neck got just the right angle to see the slightest flash of red under her jacket. The collar was pulled up as usual, so Nao normally wouldn’t think anything of it. But that colour..

It matched the colour on her own neck.

“Yeah, have a good class time... thing.” Yes, that’s definitely a legible sentence.

Reko threw a smile at her regardless before making her way quickly down the corridor. She didn’t say another word.

"Shit, Nao. Did you see?”

Nao nodded, trying desperately to swallow the lump forming in her throat. If, of all people, her soulmate was Reko then she’d have to say something. Eventually.

“I saw it when she was picking up your stuff. So.. do you think you’ll tell her?”

For a moment, Nao could only stammer weakly. She didn’t know why this was bothering her so much. Until now, she thought maybe she’d made her peace with the whole situation, and it was just a matter of finishing school without it becoming a question. From there she could make up some story about losing her soulmate at a young age and not wanting to talk about it. That would have been easier. But no, now someone had to come along and make her rethink.

This wasn’t lying about someone she never knew. Keeping her soulmate a stranger to her wouldn’t work now. It really was something she had to face.

The thought of it made her stomach twist.

Fortunately, she only had a few agonising hours to think over everything much more than she needed to. She wanted to keep ignoring the voice in her head that told her about how it wasn’t something she could put off forever. In all honesty, it would be easy enough to just never tell her specifically. Maybe it was possible Reko wouldn’t ask about anything and would actually be content with not finding her soulmate. But what if she did want to know? Should Nao really take that from her?

Nao could honestly say that, by her last lesson, she’d exhausted all of the brainpower available to her on the subject. She’d hardly focused on her lessons all day, and the hardest one to face was the Philosophy club. Despite being a fun subject for her, it was also the one she shared with Reko. And given that the club was very new and small, she often sat beside her.

Luckily, she shoved herself in her usual seat away from attention at the beginning of the club and stayed put as long as she could. But with how often they had debates, that wasn’t very easy.

“So Nao, what do you think?” Reko locked eyes with her across the desk, and Nao forced herself to look away. “About the ethics of lying, an’ all.”

“I think it can be okay.” Nao chewed her lip. “If it minimises the harm done to others, that is. Lying for the sake of lying really.. Isn’t good. But protecting people with it can be fine.”

“What about if you think you’re protecting someone but it obscures decisions? Like, if you keep information from someone that means they can’t make an informed choice about things.” Sara, another one of the classmates joined in. “Things like that can really make a difference.”

“Agreed.”

“Oh, definitely.” 

Reko and Nao spoke at the same time, causing Nao to laugh and gesture to the other to speak first.

“Well, you never know someone’s values and principles on the matter. Not to mention the outcomes or procedures they’d pick with all of the information available.”

Nao nodded along. “It makes sense. Especially finding out any of the obscured information later on. That would really damage them if they were forced to go against their beliefs or missed a more favourable opportunity. Humans sometimes find these things difficult when it comes to telling people things that might hurt or scare them but it stops being harmless when it has a knock-on effect like that.”

“True,” Reko said. “The medical industry has to follow these sorts of guidelines when it comes to their patients, so it makes sense…” The words trailed off, and Reko flashed a quick smile at her across the table that made her heart flutter. Just the smallest amount, but it was enough to remind her of what she was to this person.

The end of the hour couldn’t come fast enough, and Nao pushed her books back into her bag and hurried out of the classroom before anyone could stop her. If she walked fast enough, she should be able to make her way off of the school grounds without anyone-

"Hey, Nao. Can we talk?"

Damn.

Swallowing her pride - hard - Nao forced her feet to pivot. Reko stood, about as awkward as someone like her could get, a few feet away, with her hands crossed over her chest. It was strange seeing her like that. One eyebrow was cocked up, but it wasn’t the confident look she gave people usually. This time, it was a softer arch, and her eyes were gentle to match. Meanwhile, Nao didn't move at all, instead letting her eyes scan over her quickly. "Okay."

The two of them walked, following Reko's lead, around to a quieter place on the school grounds. Nao at least knew how they stretched off into a small field, where most students spent their breaks, that was quiet enough by this time. Eventually, Reko stopped, turning around mid-pace to face her again.

"I get it if you don't feel like talking but I think I've gotta mention it. With the way you acted earlier…” Reko sighed. “You've seen my mark before, haven't you?"

She was right. Nao really didn't want to talk about it. So she resigned herself to squeezing her eyes closed and forcing a nod.

Reko breathed out, breathing out in a short laugh. "Okay. Good to know. I saw the way you looked at it, when I was turning around. And that guy you were with had the same sorta face. Can you, uh, tell me where?"

There was the overwhelming urge to just walk away. She could in theory, it would honestly be too easy. And it isn't likely Reko would follow her. But Nao settled for muffling a groan and burying her face in her hands. Her head began to shake, and not in response to Reko's question. But she still couldn't quite bring herself to answer.

"That's fine. Don't want to make you uncomfortable. I just want to find out, I guess."

At that, Nao attempted eye contact for a moment. Reko was busy looking at her hands, but clearly Nao was slightly less obvious in snapping her head up than she'd intended, as she met dark eyes almost instantaneously. "I thought it wasn't a big deal?"

"It's curiosity. I'm not pressed about it in a sense that I have to know. There are just suspicions that I have." A flash of Reko's signature half-smirk appeared on her face. "But I'm not about to force it out of anyone. Just 'cause there's some matching permanent tattoo thing doesn't mean I'm entitled to anything. Even knowing where else it is."

"I don't..." Nao's eyes traced over Reko's neck. The pattern was there, just visible, underneath her high-neck jacket. She knew what she'd find if she looked closer, if she just brushed the fabric away even slightly to get a better view. It wasn't like she hadn't seen before, even earlier that day, but something about the way her jacket was now pulled together slightly more than usual made Nao stop and think. She'd folded it up more. "Why are you hiding it now?"

"I think you know." A half-assed laugh sounded from her, and she cautiously stepped forward. When Nao didn't move away, she visibly let go of some of the tension in her shoulders. It wasn’t like Reko to be so quiet. Usually even when she wasn't speaking, there was an impenetrable air of sound around her. The world felt loud, almost electrified in a good way, whenever Nao was around her. But now it had quietened to a hum, and the vulnerability in her face was enough to make Nao's heart skip. 

If this was what the punk-rock girl was like without her hard exterior, then Nao didn't stand a chance. She felt herself step forward too.

"Nao." Reko breathed. "You don't have to show me the mark. You don't even have to tell me you have yours yet. But.." Reko's hand moved up, hovering around the front of Nao's neck. She swore she could even feel her fingers brush against her jugular. Just enough to make the breath stop entirely in her throat. So she did the only thing she could think of.

Her hand swept up to her own hair, dragging it behind her shoulder as quickly as she could manage. There wasn't time to think. If she thought, she'd stop. And she didn't want to hide it anymore from her if she could help it.

"It's been there since I was 8. Ten years, almost. I've, uh, kept it secret for a while. You're the first person to see it since Shin when it first came up."

For a moment, it seemed like Reko wouldn't say anything. Her mouth kept twitching up into an unreadable expression, and when she finally moved her eyes from Nao's neck to meet her gaze, it felt like an eternity passed. For once Nao wished for any sort of sound, confirmation that Reko wasn't entirely devastated by the knowledge that, of all the people in the world, it was Nao who shared her mark. Nao was her soulmate.

The thought made Nao want to scream, and instead forced her eyes shut.

"Thank you." 

The feeling of Reko’s hand appeared over the mark, with her fingers brushing the remaining stray hairs away from Nao's skin and her thumb traced lightly over her jaw. When Nao looked at her in surprise, she noticed how Reko’s attention was flickering down to Nao's lips. Reko’s face had shifted into something soft, like an almost-smile. But she didn’t move any further.

So it was Nao that closed the gap between the two of them. And she didn’t regret it for a second.

 

 

 “Why did you not wanna know about your soulmate?” Reko asked, thumb trailing over her knuckles. Nao was glad they found a quiet enough place to talk, even if it was Reko's house. Her parents weren’t there, at least, so there were no questions about why she was having someone come up to her room in such haste. Nao likely wouldn’t have been able to form much of a response anyway. Things were moving a mile a minute since she decided to kiss Reko, so she wasn’t very coherent. But now she was laid, nestled up and watching a movie on her soulmate's bed, with her hand being held onto gently.

“I didn’t want the pressure. Even with soulmates being platonic, I guess I’ve always been afraid of not… being in love with them. Or if I was in love with someone who wasn't my soulmate but they refused to be with me just because it wasn’t them that was predestined to match me. I spent the whole time wishing they just weren't a thing.”

Reko sat silently for a second, as Nao moved to wipe her cheeks. A moment later, a tissue was being pressed into her hand. “Damn, Nao. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that.”

“It’s fine. I mean.. I’ve never told anyone most of that. Even Shin. He just knows I don’t like the unavoidable fate.” Even Shin, she added silently, who was afraid his soulmate mark would out him as being into guys. 

“And now? How do you feel?”

Nao forced herself to look at Reko. She hadn’t meant to make her upset either, but the bottom of her eyes were smudged black from her.. mascara? eyeliner? She wasn’t sure. “Now... I think knowing it’s you makes it easier somehow. And I'm sorry if that made you feel like I didn't want you or anything.”

“No, you didn’t. I didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable or anything with it all.”

A light tap sounded at the door, and before either could react, the handle began to twist and it opened. "Reko, have you seen my-"

The voice trailed off into an almost shriek, and the sudden face that had appeared in the gap shot away again. 

“I did not realise you had company!”

Reko and Nao shared a look, both wearing the same grin. “You saw us cuddling, Alice. Not like we were fucking or anything.”

Alice whined indignantly through the door. “Reko..”

Sighing, Reko pulled herself away from Nao, forcing the two of them to sit up properly. “Okay, my hands are officially off. You can come in now.”

He opened the door again, muttering thanks under his breath, and stepped into the room. At first glance, he’d have likely been intimidating with his large stature and dyed hair. But his face was much softer, and he was dressed down in a grey vest shirt and regular-fit black trousers. And poking from the top of his vest... “As I was trying to say, have you seen my leather jacket? I have plans with Stronghold in a bit but it seems to have gone missing.”

“You left it on the hook downstairs. As you always do. ” Reko laughed to herself. “Saw it earlier. Oh by the way, this is Nao. My, uh..”

Nao made herself smile, but her attention was still elsewhere. She hadn’t even realised she’d drifted off until Reko had said her name. “I’m her soulmate.”

Mouth forming an ‘oh’, Alice thanked Reko for her help and reminded her to be sensible with Nao in her room . Which rewarded him with a pillow thrown loosely at his face just before he managed to close the door as a shield.

“Damn, Nao. You oogling my brother like that is pretty interesting..”

“Was that his soulmate mark?”

 Reko flashed a look at her door. “On his chest? Yeah. It’s rare for him to put it on show like that but he doesn’t really hide it either.” Her attention turned back to Nao. “Why?”

It took a moment for Nao to respond. She knew how it felt to be afraid of someone telling your soulmate about you but she wanted to see. “I’ve seen it before. Can I… Would you mind if I asked him if I could tell the person?”

“I’d be fine with it.”

The voice made Nao jump, and Alice rapped his hand once again at the door. “You can tell whoever it is who I am. They can find me if they want.”

Thanking him for the confirmation, Nao finally heard feet shuffling away and she turned to Reko. “Does he do that a lot?”

“Oh yeah.” Reko rolled her eyes, leaning back against the headboard of her bed. Nao shifted to curl up next to her again. “He doesn’t mean to eavesdrop but I know when he noticed I had you over he wanted to make sure nothing was going on. Protective older brother stereotype at its finest.”

Nao let her mind shift, until she found herself so comfortable she was nodding off into sleep.

She woke soon after the movie was over, and Reko was breathing softly beside her. Her first choice definitely wasn’t to wake her as well, but she had to get home with enough time to have dinner and get to sleep in her own room. They both said their goodbyes at the door, with Reko offering to walk her home but Nao declining, and the moment she was out of sight of the house she pulled out her phone.

A few rings sounded out, before she was greeted by the voice of her friend. “Hey, Nao. What’s up?”

“Shin.. I was going to wait until tomorrow but I have to tell you. I went over to Reko’s and-“

“You did? That’s awesome!” Shin’s smile was audible through the phone. “I’m glad things are going okay.”

“Yes but Shin, I met her brother. And I saw his mark.” She paused, letting him have a moment to protest her continuing. “It’s yours. Blue crescent moon, diagonal lines, right below his collarbone. He said I could tell you, and that you can do what you want with the information.”

The line went silent, and Nao wondered if the connection cut off until he spoke. “What’s his name?”

“It’s Alice.” Nao breathed a sigh of relief at his response. “Do you want me to ask for anything to contact him?”

“No, that’s okay. I, uh, I’ve met him before. Alice Yabusame - he went to our school before. He was in the year above and helped me when Sou was being a dick.”

Shin spoke the last part with venom in his mouth. Sou was another student in Alice’s year, who loved to antagonise people. For the last year before his expulsion, Shin took the brunt of his torment. 

“Are you thinking you’ll reach out to him?”

A soft laugh sounded. “Yeah. I think I will.”

Nao didn’t stop herself from grinning. “Great! I’m so happy for you, Shin!”

“What’re the odds we’d find our soulmates on the same day?”

As he spoke, Nao heard her phone ping to tell her she had a text coming through. She quickly pulled it away from her ear, looking down at the screen. 

Reko: so alice just said he got a text from your friend? that shin guy

Reko:  PLEASE don’t tell me its him

Nao shook her head, laughing to herself. 

“I think it’s very much fitting for people like us.”

 

Notes:

thank u for reading!! you can find me as @rosealieil on pretty much any social media! i have the yttd brain worms after 3 1b

also title is from girl in red because it’s Soft