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Phineas was worried.
He shouldn't be for once in his life he felt content. He no longer craved society's approval Phineas only cared about his family. The circus was running smoothly considering everything it had been through with carefully planned shifts between Phillip and himself as too who would be out in the ring every other night it gave him the opportunity to spend more time with his daughters and Charity although they had been separated for some time now, they were the best of friends and Phineas would move heaven and earth to make her happy. And finally at long last after admitting their mutual feelings he had found his soulmate granted it was the last person he expected but he it didn't matter. Phineas was happy truly. Yet there was this powerfully distressing feeling in his chest, and it was about none other than his partner Phillip.
Phillip Carlyle. The very man who had helped circus stay afloat this past year without him they surely would've failed miserably. Phineas doesn't know how he managed the first month without him. Of course, Phillip is more than just his work partner he was the only person as close to him as Charity. He had stolen Phineas' heart without him even realising it he loves Phillip he makes Phineas feel exuberant and excited like a schoolboy. Not to mention how hard he works for the circus. However, Phineas is now wondering if Phillip works too hard. Most days the younger man stays behind to make sure everything that needs to be done is done when he returns to the small apartment which is within walking distance of the circus that they share he speaks to Phineas for a short while then retires to bed without eating dinner. Phillip hates getting up early but he tries to however he only downs some coffee and makes his way to the circus so he can get started on paperwork or rehearsal even sacrificing.
his lunch breaks to quickly journey to town and pick up things their friends mentioned they needed.
Phineas would say something, but he doesn't want Phillip to think he's ungrateful or to assume Phineas thinks he is incapable of doing his job. Phillip is great at it and Phineas thinks the world of him, but all the extra pressure is starting to show physically on him. From his blue eyes with dark circus under them his face losing colour and cheeks becoming hollow. His worryingly decreasing weight. When looking at one of his new shirts Phineas noticed Phillip had dropped a couple dress sizes at an alarmingly fast rate. Phillips's smile is without a doubt one of Phineas's favourite features about him considering his serious almost rigid persona every time he does smile it lights up the whole room and makes his blue eyes sparkle in all his vivacity. However recently he noticed how little he had been smiling even if he did crack a smile, it didn't reach his eyes, they were listless and sorrowful. Even his performances didn't feel as lively or enthusiastic as usual. To summarise Phineas was concerned for him. Very concerned.
His day had started out as normal aside from Phillip not being there next to him when he woke. After taking care of personal hygiene and dressing he headed to the kitchen of their small apartment to see Phillip wistfully staring at a cup of coffee his shoulders hunched over. A frown tugged at Phineas's lips, but he put on a kind smile to greet his partner with.
"Good morning, darling" He spoke softly kissing the younger man's forehead.
"Morning" He replied wearily.
"Can I make you some breakfast?" Phineas said at a desperate attempt to get some food in Phillip.
"No thank you" Phillip muttered putting the rest of his coffee to one side "I think I'm going to head to the circus make sure Anne and W. D's ropes are intact for the show later" As Phillip rose to his feet Phineas noticed him tremble and breath heavily.
"P-Phillip I can go to the circus and do that it's fine" The older man said rushing to his aid only for Phillip to move away from him.
"I'm okay don't worry" He said resting his fingers on the bridge of his nose "Just minor vertigo I'll be fine."
"If you feel dizzy Phil, you should lay down."
"Phin I'm okay" Phillip said giving another half-smile "I'll be seeing you" He planted a kiss on the corner of Phineas's mouth and left briskly out the door.
...
Later that morning Phineas joined everyone else at the circus the trope doing their usual duties or practicing in the ring. Phineas was about to check on their progress when a rather nervous looking W.D came up to him.
"Barnum, can I have a word?"
"Of course, are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine but this morning when I arrived this morning, I saw Phillip up on the railings checking ropes, but he looked exhausted he was breathing heavy and well the guy just looked very out of sorts he tried to shrug it off acting like he was fine but... He really didn’t look good."
"Oh god... thanks for telling me do you know where he is?"
"I think he went to your office."
"I'll go see if he's alright."
W.D nodded and walked off to join Anne as Barnum quickly made his way to their shared office tent drawing back the entrance, he didn't see Phillip but there were lots of papers scattered on his desk and floor. Making his way round the desk he noticed Phillip sprawled out on the ground unconscious his face a sickly pale.
"Phillip!" Barnum immediately crouched to take the man's face in his hands trying to rouse him.
"Flip... darling can you hear me?"
A small groan left Phillips lips. Phineas released a breath of relief and proceeded to lift the younger man and place him on a small couch at the end of the tent. With a Phineas fretting over Phillip, he didn't notice Lettie enter their office.
"Mr. Barnum is everything alright? What wrong with Phillip?"
"I uh- I just found him on the ground passed out I'm not sure how long he's been like this" Phineas responded startled by her sudden appearance.
"Oh, poor thing" Lettie sympathized walking over to get a closer look at Phillip "He looks terrible in fact I didn't want to say anything, but Phillip hasn't looked quite right for a while".
"I know I've been reluctant to say anything but... now it's gone too far" Phineas sighed shaking his head how could he have let this happen? He's Phillip's partner for heaven's sake he should've said something. "Can you help me?"
"Of course, what do you need?" After the troupe had gotten a few injuries and sprains Phineas and Phillip mutually decided to hire an onsite doctor that could tend to their needs. Since most of the prestigious doctors in the city didn't want to be linked with the circus Dr. Wilson a retired war medic was the most qualified low budget doctor they could find.
"Okay I'll be as quick as I can try to find something to prop Phillips's head up with" Lettie advised before leaving the tent.
Grabbing his coat Phineas folded it neatly and put it under Phillips's head as a makeshift pillow. Now all he could do was wait for Lettie to return with the doctor. Getting a proper look at the younger man he looked a lot more at peace when he was sleeping ironically it was probably the most he's slept in a long time. However, his eyes had dark circles and visible lines from the lack of sleep Phineas could clearly see the slight hollowness of his face. Phineas went down on one knee and slowly brought a hand to Phillip's jaw stroking his cheek with his thumb. Phillip moved his head to lean into the touch.
"Phil?" Phineas whispered.
Phillip whined quietly as he hesitantly opening his eyes Phineas smiled softly at him.
"What happened?" He slurred gingerly raising his hand to his forehead.
"You passed out just lie still the Lettie is on her way with Dr. Wilson."
"Phin, I don't need a doctor I was just a little tired" Phillip frowned trying to sit up.
"No Phillip" Phineas put a hand on his chest to stop him from getting up "Please wait for Dr. Wilson to look at you."
Phillip saw how desperate Phineas was, so he gave in laying back down and sighing as his head pounded out of his skull. Phineas offered him a glass of water helping him sit up Phillip managed to take a few sips before Dr. Wilson and Lettie walked in.
"I'll leave you too it" Lettie smiled.
"Thank you, Lettie," Phineas said as she left.
"Good morning Mr. Carlyle Lettie tells me you're not feeling very well".
"I'm fine I was just tired it's not important" Phillip tried to assure.
“Let me ask you some questions just be sure" The doctor smiled.
Phineas sat next to Phillip keeping a hand on his lower back in comfort.
"Okay can you tell me how you felt just before losing consciousness?"
"Um I felt dizzy, weak and everything just went of focus that's all I remember".
"Alright has this been happening a lot?"
"Sometimes but I haven't fainted it's just dizzy spells I thought it was normal."
"On the contrary Mr. Carlyle a man of your age shouldn't be experiencing such symptoms that frequently"
"Symptoms? Is there something we should be concerned about?" Barnum said nervously.
"Do not fret Mr. Barnum there is no obvious chronic illness" Dr. Wilson reassured "Phillip are you getting enough sleep?"
"Well... not recently I suppose".
"What's your diet like?"
"Just fine"
Phineas cleared his throat getting everyone's attention.
"Phillip..." Phineas looked at him urging him silently to tell the truth.
"Mr. Carlyle if I am to help you get better you need to be honest with me" Dr. Wilson said. Phillip let an exasperated sigh.
"Okay perhaps I don't eat as much as I used too... but it's what's wrong with losing a little weight every now and again."
"You were already at a healthy weight for your age Mr. Carlyle I do believe you just suffering from exhaustion, and you appear to be underweight happened often on the battlefield when people overexert themselves. Lucky for you it's not severe a few days rest away from work and three substantial meals a day should have right as rain in no time."
"Thank you, Doctor," Phineas stood up with him to shake his hand.
"No problem feel better Mr. Carlyle."
"Thank you" Phillip responded feebly.
Dr. Wilson saw himself out of the office leaving the ringmasters alone.
"Phillip-" Phineas started
"I'm fine" Phillip said cutting home off "I know what you're going to say, and I can assure you there's nothing wrong."
Phillip stood up from his place on the couch trying to walk away only to stumble gripping the corner of his desk he still landed on the floor groaning in annoyance.
"Phillip... oh darling let me help you" Phineas fussed helping him up.
"I just got up to fast" Phillip breathed.
Phineas directed him over to sit back on the couch helping him drink some more water.
"Phil please it hurts to see you like this and... I didn't want to say anything in fear of hurting your feelings but Flip you look so exhausted and worn out you're constantly doing work for the circus clearly not sleeping enough and well... it's obvious you're becoming awfully thin I rarely see you eat anything these day-"
Phineas halted his words at the sight of tears streaming down Phillip's face. Phillip desperately tried to wipe them away without much success.
"I-I'm sorry I-" Phillip tried to speak but his breath only got caught in his throat.
"Shhh it's alright come here."
Phineas brought Phillip closer to him as he wrapped his arms around the younger man Phillip hesitant at first then wrapped his arms around Phineas's torso digging his head into his chest soaking partners shirt. Phineas stayed gently rocking him back and forth leaving the lightest of kisses on Phillip's hairline until he was able to calm down. Phillip slowly rose his head to look up at Phineas again the older man now waiting patiently for him to speak.
"I know I've been perhaps working a little too hard" He started "I'm just trying to make it up to the circus to our friends... to you" He admitted sheepishly.
"Darling you don't have anything to make up fo-"
"But I do!" He cut off "When I was a boy my father would make me feel useless all the time and for my whole life, I believed every belittling insult he spat at me. When I started working at the circus however I started to feel less useless like I was doing something worthwhile... then the fire happened I let the circus go up in flames and I felt that stabbing feeling of futility again the only difference is I can do something about it, and I am by making up for my incompetence".
"By starving yourself of food and a goodnight's sleep? Working non-stop even if it's unnecessary for you to do so? Phil..."
The younger man's lower lip trembled tears threatening to make a reappearance.
"I don't deserve to eat or sleep not until I can prove that I'm not just a good for nothing reprobate tha-"
"Hey, do not say such things about yourself" Phineas cut off taking both Phillip's hands in his "Phillip listen, the fire was no fault of your own and you are so good for the circus Phillip without you we would've never gotten back to normal. And you are not and never have been 'useless' Phil if you were having such disquieted thoughts you should've talked to me forget the absurd things that execrable man has said to you. You're not useless sweetheart you only deserve to be happy and in good health over time you will see that too."
Unable to speak from sheer exhaustion and the overwhelming feeling of love Phillip simply nods trying to keep himself from shedding tears once again. Phineas leaned in putting his hand on the nape of his partners neck and gently kissing Phillip tasting the saltiness from his tear. Phillip mewled quietly as the kiss deepened wanting to stay that way for as long as they could before parting slowly.
"Let me talk to the others I'll ask Lettie to take over for a few days and then we'll go home, okay?"
As much as Phillip wanted to object and say he could look after himself whilst Phineas continued at the circus he just nodded once again fully aware he could hardly stand on his own currently. Phineas kissed his forehead and left to tell the troupe of the new arrangement for the next few days. When he returned Phineas assured Phillip the troupe was fine and sent their best wishes and they would visit if they had any dire concerns. Phineas gathered their things helped Phillip walk to their apartment which was usually a good 15 minutes away but Phillip, who was still feeling lightheaded proceeded with caution making their journey slower, but Phineas of course didn't mind.
As they arrived Phineas insisted, he bathe Phillip helping him strip off and then gently washing him with hot water and lavender soap on his soft skin then massaging his scalp getting rid of any knots in his otherwise usually perfect hair. Satisfied that Phillip was clean and most definitely more relaxed he lifted the man out of the bathtub with ease and helped him dress ignoring the slightly annoyed looks from Phillip who claimed to feel like a child with this much smothering however Phineas could see that he secretly enjoyed it. Phineas helped Phillip get comfortable in their shared bed and headed downstairs to make his partner his favourite tea and some biscuits that would be light on his stomach.
Phineas made his way back to the bedroom Phillip smiling softly at him the older man drank in the sight. It could've been so much worse. He placed the biscuits on the bedside table and placed the tea in Phillip's hands taking a seat beside him and running a hand through his hair as he gently sipped the warm drink.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Phillip said placing the cup down. "You look worried."
"No, I just... Phil imagines if you hadn't passed out today you would've continued to harm yourself and... well I hate to think about how badly your condition would have deteriorated if I had lost you I-I..." Phineas trailed off not wanting to finish his sentence.
"You didn't lose me" Phillip uttered taking Phineas's hand "I'm truly sorry for the stress I caused you I promise I'll try to be more honest with you" Phillip said in hushed tone but Phineas could tell he meant it.
"No apology needed just look after yourself and I vow to look after you in any way possible when you cannot do so yourself."
"I love you Phin" Phillip whispered
"I love you too very much."
Phineas leaned down pressing a feather light kiss to Phillips lips to which he of course returned letting it linger as they pulled away Phineas looked into his cerulean blue eyes feeling nothing but adoration for the man in front of him. That smile that he loved so much had finally returned shining brighter than ever.
He was golden.