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Ponyboy Curtis hadn’t been to a bar mitzvah once in his life.
Sure he grew up celebrating Hanukkah every year they could afford it. Or his mother dressing him in the nicest button up shirt he owned, only to have him zoning out during Shabbat on Soda’s shoulder every Saturday morning. Heard about other kids around town and how big and fancy their bar mitzvah were. Pretty sure one kid even got a car for three years down the road. But he still had never been to one. Not until Randy Adderson practically begged him too.
Ponyboy wasn’t sure at first why he had said yes. He didn’t even know the kid, one of Randy’s soc friends. But something deep inside of him told him he should go. Because ever since his parents died, though his father was far more passive about it all, it felt like every single part of them was beginning to fade away.
Sometimes Steve would still call him a ‘schmoe’ or a ‘schmuck’, words he learned from Mrs. Curtis, but as far as appearances went; that’s the best connection he had. Neither Darry, Soda, or himself had a bar mitzvah, money was tight and the best they could do was attend Synagogue as often as possible.
But that had stopped not even a month after their deaths. It made Ponyboy wonder how proud, or how disappointed, his mom would’ve been. So when Randy asked if he wanted to go, he said yes.
“You look just fine, Pony” Darry sighed in near annoyance.
“No I don't, Darry, it doesn’t even fit” Ponyboy groaned and tugged at the sleeves.
Darr began to look frustrated, “come on, Pony, it’s not that bad. Plus, it’s all we got anyway.”
“I know” Pony sighed and looked at himself in the mirror. How the suit hugged his shoulders and didn’t even go all the way down to cover his wrists. How the pants showed his mismatched socks every time he stepped. He couldn’t say anything though. Darry after all was doing his best, and Pony was trying to do better about realizing that. A deal they made shortly after the fire.
“Why do you wanna go so bad anyway? You know this Janie? Jamie?” Darry pried, adjusting Ponyboy’s tie.
“Jimmy” Pony corrected, “I don’t know. I thought it would be nice. You know, since I’ve never been.”
Darry nodded, he didn’t understand Pony, he never would. It was like both him and Soda had completely given on everything their mom had taught them. They barely remembered to light the menorah last year, and that was even after Pony wouldn’t quit bugging them about it.
“Just be careful, yeah?” Darry caved in. Ever since the fire and all that, Pony and Randy had been hanging around each other a good bit. Darry wasn’t the biggest fan of it, then again he wasn’t really a big fan of any of Pony’s friends. So the fact that he was beginning to like Randy best was something at least. Maybe because at some level, Randy and Darry were a good bit alike.
There was a knock at the front door, signaling Randy was there because no one else in the world would bother to knock. Not even Curly Shepard.
Pony ran to the door and flung it open to see Randy in a nice black suit, red tie and polished shoes and everything. He looked like the boys in the pamphlets they pass out after Shabbat. Which instantly made Ponyboy feel more uncomfortable in his own skin as well as his suit.
“Hey Pony” Randy smiled widely, and Ponyboy could instantly tell he was trying his hardest not to look at Pony’s suit, “you look nice.”
“Sure I do” Ponyboy responded sarcastically, “you look nice too Randy, thanks for picking me up.”
Randy just nodded and waved hello to Darry and Soda, he was always well mannered like that, or at least he tried to be.
And as Pony walked to Randy’s same blue mustang he got the very familiar feeling in his gut. The same one he got anytime he saw the car, even a year later. And Randy didn’t even notice it. Or if he did, he never said anything.
“I ain’t never been to a bar mitzvah before” Pony laughed awkwardly, pulling at his shelves again.
“I thought you were Jewish too?” Randy asked confused, pulling onto the larger main street.
Pony’s hands froze and he, for a second, had no idea what to say, like any word that came out would be a lie even though he knew it wasn’t, “I am. Just haven’t been invited.”
“You didn’t have one? What about your brothers? Pepsi cola and muscle man” Randy teased, maybe he was trying to lighten the mood on purpose or maybe Randy was just being Randy.
“Couldn’t really afford one” Pony shrugged and looked out the cars window. Feeling out of place in his seat. In his suit. In his mind. Suddenly hyper aware of the pendant around his neck like it was burning into his skin. Branding him.
“Oh” Randy mumbled, like he was stumped that his experience wasn’t universal for the first time in his life, “sorry I just thought-“
“It’s fine.”
Randy didn’t really ever ‘think’ it seemed. Something they had in common.
The rest of the ride was silent until Randy pulled up outside a small series of tents set up on a large front lawn. Soc neighborhood with big huge houses and short well kept green grass. Happy full families inside the well lit walls. But not tonight. Tonight everyone was out on the front lawn under the stars and sky and God and anything and everything else.
“Shit, now I’m not too upset about missing the ceremony,” Randy laughed. Usually he didn’t curse that often but he picked up the habit more when he was around Ponyboy.
All Pony could do was stare. Stare at the music playing out of a single speaker on the front porch, at the tables full of punch and lined with all sorts of traditional food. The boys in their best suits and the girls in their nicest dresses. And Ponyboy.
“You comin?” Randy snapped him out of his daze and slammed his door.
“Yeah, sorry, I’m coming” Pony nodded and got out of the car, shutting the door and following Randy out towards the party.
Everything was instantly overwhelming. The smells, the people, the music. He didn’t expect it to be anything like this at all. He didn’t even know what he expected to be honest. All he knew is that this wasn’t it.
It didn’t take Ponyboy long to completely lose Randy in the small crowd of people, cursing to himself. He didn’t know a single other person there and that fact alone was making his palms sweat. Wiping them on his pants he walked over to the snack tables. Might as well get a good meal out of this if he was gonna be left alone.
Ponyboy sat down on the sets that lead down the house’s patched path to the street, his small plate full of deviled eggs and his glass filled with the best punch he had ever had. Yet he still couldn’t shake the feeling that he shouldn’t be there. He shouldn’t have said yes and he shouldn’t have come. He felt utterly out of place. Like a bull in a China shop.
It’s not like he wasn’t Jewish, he was. He was more than Darry and Sodapop combined. They were more like their dad, and Pony was more like his mother. Sometimes he questioned if the only reason he was even religious was because if he sat alone in the synagogue every week he would be the last one to completely kill his mother. And maybe it was his way of keeping a small part of her alive, no matter what he believed. But he had to believe enough for Soda and Darry now, or else they’d be killing him too.
Life was complicated. Religion is complicated. Especially when you’re losing touch with the only part of yourself you’ve ever known. The only part of yourself that reminded you of her. Darry had her eyes and recipes, which he never really uses anymore, at least not the traditional ones. And Soda had her hair and her smile, the same one she would give Pony after he turned 13. And what did Pony have? A reminder that no matter how hard he tried. How deep it’s rooted. He’ll always be the one sitting on the steps by himself.
“Whatcha doing?” Pony heard Randy ask, picking up his punch cup, taking a sip, and sitting down next to him.
“Just thinkin” Pony shrugged again, shoving another egg into his mouth.
“Whatcha thinking about?” Randy asked again, handing the cup of punch back to Ponyboy.
Pony wiped the rip off with his sleeve before taking a sip himself, a gesture that made Randy laugh softly, “I don’t know why you invited me, Randy, I don’t belong here.”
“Oh come on, Pony” Randy tried to rationalize, “just cause you didn’t have a bar mitzvah doesn’t mean you don’t belong here. Don’t do that to yourself.”
Pony bit his lips, “yeah, I guess so. But I don’t really think that’s what I mean.”
“What do you mean then?” Randy pried patiently. If there was one thing that Randy was, it was patient.
“I’m not like anyone here, Randy” Pony confessed, still a bit confused himself of what he meant, “all this big party stuff and people, it’s not me. I don’t belong here. I don’t know why I thought I did.”
“I told you that stuff doesn’t matter” Randy interrupted, wrapping his arms around Pony’s shoulders, trying to comfort him.
“That’s not what I mean, Randy.”
Randy nodded, trying to understand where Ponyboy could possibly be coming from. Sure they were sitting on the same step, but they were far from the same person. No matter how hard Randy tried.
“I hated my bar mitzvah” Randy spoke again, adjusting the rings on his hands awkwardly. And when Pony didn’t respond, he spoke up again.
“My dad was on my ass the whole time. You know, ‘Randall do this, Randall don’t forget to do that’. Nearly killed myself under the pressure” Randy laughed, completely unaware, “I was too focused on not messing up my reading, holding my hands still, standing up straight, to even enjoy it. Kinda wish I didn’t even have one at all.”
“I think I’d rather have that” Pony swirled the punch around in his cup, “I’d kill to have my dad give me advice bout that stuff again. Maybe even my mama.”
“Sorry” Randy winced out an apology, “I forgot.”
“It’s fine” Ponyboy swallowed the last of his drink, “don’t mean you can’t be upset about it, I guess.”
“I'm not really upset about it, I mean I was at the time. But it was really more annoying than anything.”
“Annoying?”
“Yeah, I just mean that I. I don’t know. I just think sometimes it would be easier-“
“Easier?”
“Yeah? Why do you keep repeating everything I say?” Randy raised an eyebrow, turning to try and look Ponyboy in the eye.
“I guess I’m just trying to make sure I’m hearing you right” Pony lit up a cigarette and hardly sucked in the smoke, blowing it in Randy’s face so he started to cough and fanned the air in between them, “cause to me it sounds like- I don’t know, Randy. It just sounds nice to me, that’s all.”
“Being scared of even breathing around your own father sounds nice?” Randy shot back.
“Sounds better than not having one at all anymore” Pony defiantly let out another smoky breath, tangling his other hand in his hair, trying to ground himself anyway he could.
Randy looked up at the sky, “that’s not what I meant, Pony.”
“Guess we both are misinterpreting things then.”
“Ponyboy” Randy tried again, “I’m sorry, okay? I wasn’t thinking. If you’re mad at me for bringing you here then let me take you home, okay? Let me make it up to you.”
“I’m not mad at you, Randy. I don’t know what I am. I guess I’m just frustrated that this” Ponyboy gestures around at the house, “will never be something I can have. I can’t have a bar mitzvah. I can’t have my mom. I can barely even have my religion, that left with my mom. That left the day Darry and Soda traded their star’s for bill money.”
Randy looked around at the yard like he finally understood, “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry, Randy. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I’m just sorry you had to lose so much. I think if my dad wasn’t in the picture I wouldn’t be religious anymore either.”
“I’m still religious, Randy.”
“More than me that’s for sure.”
Pony put his cigarette out on the steps and tossed the butt into his empty cup. Randy was probably right, not that it mattered. But it was still strangely validating to hear. No one had said anything like that at all since the car crash. It felt good to be said out loud, even if it was tainted.
“Can I ask you something, Ponyboy?” Randy twisted his ring around his finger again, looking over at Ponyboy once more.
“Sure.”
“What are you gonna do when you get out of high school? I mean, my dad always says I should be some kind of lawyer or politician. But I don’t really think that’s for me. I don’t know what I wanna do. Or be. Do you know?” Randy rambled out.
Pony seemed to think for a second before stealing a quick glance back at Randy, “don’t know. Maybe I could be a famous painter. Or something. Just get the hell out of here.”
Randy nodded once more, “you should paint me sometime, I bet you’d make one hell of an artist. But you gotta promise me something first?”
“Yeah?” Pony looked over at Randy, he seemed more sincere than he ever had.
“Let me throw you a bar mitzvah before you go. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy besides us two and a Rabbi. I guess you’re thick headed brothers can come too” Randy explained, making Ponyboy laugh, “what do you say? For me? I don’t want you to lose that part of yourself. That shits important.”
Pony smiled genuinely for the first time that night, “thank you Randy, I appreciate that.”
“No problem. I like you, Ponyboy, you’re a good kid. You wanna get home now?” Randy stood up and offered Pony out his hand, which Pony gladly took.
“Please.”
They both climbed into Randy’s car and he started the car, letting Pony look out the window once more before Randy sped off. The sound of the party slowly fading the further they got away.
“I’m sorry” Randy apologized once more when they were out of sight of the party, he tended to do that a lot. Probably something his dad conditioned him into. Ponyboy didn't know much about Randy’s dad, but he knew that if Randy got anything less than a B-, his dad would be yelling at him until both of them had lost their voice.
“Really, Randy, it’s okay” Pony rested a light hand on Randy’s shoulder, his suit material feeling like something almost completely foreign, “it was nice to get out. At least I can say I’ve gone to a bar mitzvah now.”
“I would’ve invited you to mine, if I knew you.”
Pony lowered his hand to his lap, looking down at it, “I don’t think I’ll be going to any more. You know? Doesn’t feel right. I don’t think it’ll ever feel right. No matter how ‘Jewish’ I am, that part of me started dying when my mother did.”
Randy wasn’t sure what to say, he didn’t wanna say the wrong thing again, “I think your mom would’ve been awful proud of how you turned out, Pony. I mean, I didn’t know her. But I know you. And I’m proud I guess.”
It was true, Pony supposed. Randy did know him pretty well. Maybe better than anyone had since Johnny. They were both so distantly alike it hurt. Randy was what Ponyboy looked in the mirror and wished to see. While Pony felt like just a reflection in a muddy puddle.
“Thanks, Randy. I think she would’ve liked you too. Like a son she never had” Pony laughed almost bitterly.
“You’re already a fine son, Pony, don’t do that to yourself. You’ll just make it hurt more. Trust me” Randy sighed out and parked outside Ponyboy’s house.
“I know” Pony replied, not really sure what else he could say, awkwardly looking at his house, images of the house they were just at flashing into his mind like a picture book.
“You do trust me though, right Pony?” Randy asked, as if he was purposely trying to keep Pony in the car with him as long as possible.
“I trust you, Randy. Do you trust me?”
“Yeah, I do.”
They both sat there in silence for a few seconds, the whole night lingering between them like smoke and ash from a fire. Like water in your lungs and blood on your hands. Because who would’ve guessed the two of them could ever be so uniquely similar.
“I’ll see you around, Randy” Pony smiled tightly and climbed out of the car, giving Randy a small wave before shutting the door.
“Yeah, see ya.”
Ponyboy trudged up the steps to his front door, flinching when he heard Randy’s engine start up, opening the door and walking into the small familiar house, seeing Darry sitting in his same chair. Reading the same newspaper, looking at him the same way he always did.
“You have fun?”
“I guess so” Pony shrugged off his jacket, resting it over the couch and loosening his tie that had been bugging him the whole night.
“You guess so? It wasn’t fun?” Darry put the newspaper down and eyed suspiciously at Ponyboy.
“Don’t know. It wasn’t what I expected. But it was fine, I guess” Pony responded, he didn’t wanna get into all of it with Darry, not now, “I’m tired, Darry.”
Darry pinched his eyebrows together but didn’t try to argue, “get some sleep, little brother, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Ponyboy walked back to the room he shared with Soda, quietly changing into his sleeping clothes so as to not wake his brother. The whole night playing back on his head moment by moment. Frame by frame.
He sighed heavily as he laid down, feeling the bed dip and shift under his weight, the floorboards creaking in ways they never would in the giant house. Pony went to turn over when he felt the uncomfortable tug of the necklace around his neck.
Pony shifted so he was laying on his back, taking the star pendant off his neck and looking up at it with the small bits of moonlight that shown through the small cracked window in the room. Reflecting off of the symbol that flicked between his fingers. The same Star of David his mom had given him years ago. Slightly dented from where it had been banged and closed in things over the years.
Pony couldn’t take his eyes off it the whole night. Admiring the way he felt so uncomfortably comfortable in his fingers. Thinking about Randy, about his mom, his brothers, himself. Thinking about everything that has banged him up and dented him too, just like it.