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Eiji is ... concerned.
Ash has spoken to him less and less over the last month or so, to the point of near silence. Eiji knows that Ash wouldn’t give him the ‘silent treatment’ or anything like that in response to something Eiji’s done. It’s probably something to do with Ash himself, and Ash might not even realize how much he’s withdrawing.
Of course, Eiji is still worried that something he did caused this reaction. But he’s decided to give Ash the space to come to him in his own time. Eiji is worried, to say the least, but he doesn’t want to pressure Ash.
One day, the silence changes drastically.
“Eiji,” Ash says suddenly.
Eiji nearly jumps. It feels like Ash hasn’t said his name in weeks.
“Yes, my love?”
“I love you.”
Eiji grins, elated. “I love you too! So, so much.”
“Thank you,” Ash whispers.
“For what?” Eiji asks gently. Always gentle.
“Loving me,” Ash responds, but he’s smiling. Not like when he’s spiraling. Like he’s genuinely happy that Eiji loves him, which is a welcome change.
“I am more than happy to love you.” Eiji feels warm, content.
Ash cooks dinner for both of them that night. He’s been cooking more recently, but this meal is more extravagant than usual. Eiji notes that Ash bought the ingredients for the meal days ago. Had he been planning this? What for?
“What’s the occasion?” Eiji asks as they sit down to eat.
“I just love you,” Ash repeats, for the second time that day. It’s rather rare for Ash to express his love out loud at all, and much less so in the last month. But Eiji won’t question it, not when it makes him so incredibly happy. Ash feeling comfortable enough to express his emotions is something Eiji will always be grateful for.
“Thank you,” Eiji says, smiling.
“... Why?” Ash asks after a moment.
“Loving me,” Eiji responds, echoing Ash’s earlier words.
Ash is silent for the rest of the evening, but Eiji doesn’t mind. He’ll give Ash the time he needs to come away from whatever’s going on, whatever is causing him this pain.
At seven the next morning, Eiji realizes that this may have been a mistake.
“You’re up early,” Eiji says brightly, stretching in bed. Ash already up when Eiji wakes? Definitely a change of pace, though not a bad one.
Ash gets up from the desk in their bedroom. He seems to hesitate for a long, long moment.
“Ash?” Eiji asks. Ash is standing at the foot of the bed now, staring at Eiji. His expression is ... indescribable, really. Maybe sad. Maybe brokenhearted.
“I’m leaving,” Ash blurts suddenly.
Eiji blinks. “Where are you going?”
“N-no, I mean—I’m leaving. You. I’m leaving you. For good.”
It’s silent for several long, long seconds. A silence that physically hurts Eiji.
“... What?” Eiji asks eventually.
But Ash just repeats, “I’m leaving.”
“Ash?”
Ash shakes his head, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.
“Ash, you haven’t even ...” Eiji looks around the room. “You haven’t even packed any of your belongings.”
“You can have them. You can have all of it.”
“What ... what’s going on? Don’t you ... Ash, you said just yesterday that you love me.”
Ash bites down on his lip. “I do,” he admits. His voice is thick, heavy. “I love you. So much. I’m in love with you. I ... Eiji, I fall in love with you every time I open my eyes in the morning. Every time I close my eyes at night. I fall in love with you with my every exhale and your every inhale. I’m in love with you, and I always will be.”
Ash never ... he never expresses himself like this.
“Then why?” Eiji whispers. He’s in his pajamas, sitting up in bed like it’s a normal morning. Like Ash isn’t ... leaving.
“I can’t keep doing this to you.” Ash says it flatly, with almost no emotion behind his voice. A stark contrast to his last words.
“Doing what, love?”
“Hurting you. Destroying you. Tearing you apart.”
“I—I don’t understand.” Eiji sits up straighter in bed, pushing his palms into the mattress.
“You deserve better,” Ash says. Resolute now. “You can do so much better than me. You deserve better. And I deserve ... worse.”
“Ash, I—I can’t imagine my life without you.”
“You won’t have to imagine.”
The room spins around Eiji. He barely registers Ash moving to the bedside and dropping himself down onto the floor. Eiji just keeps staring at the point where Ash had been standing, as though he’s still there. As though he had never left that spot, and never will.
“Where are you going to go?” Eiji whispers at the empty spot where Ash had been.
“It doesn’t matter,” Ash replies from Eiji’s side.
Eiji slowly turns to face him. His brow furrows. “Do you even have a plan?” he demands.
Ash averts his gaze. “I’ll figure something out. I always have.”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
Instead of replying, Ash wrings his hands in his lap.
“Ash, are you—are you planning to—prostitute yourself, or ... ?”
“That or die,” Ash admits flatly. “Either is fine. I’ll figure something out.”
“That’s not ... sweetheart, that doesn’t count as figuring something out.”
“It does. Both are fine.”
The world is still spinning, and now Eiji’s breath leaves him as though he’s been hit in the stomach. He’s dizzy, hurt, confused. He’s ... heartbroken. Maybe as much as Ash is.
“I can’t imagine my life without you,” Eiji croaks.
“That’s okay. You won’t have to imagine.”
“That’s not what I mean!”
Eiji sees Ash clenching and unclenching his fists. God, everything is—this is all wrong. Eiji’s heart hurts. It’s falling apart, he’s—he’s falling apart.
Slowly, cautiously, Ash whispers, “Thank you for lying to me. But you don’t have to anymore.”
“Lying?” Eiji whispers.
“That you love me. That you care. That I’m ... worth it. That I deserve ... anything. Your love. Anything.”
“It’s not lying!” Eiji protests. His eyes burn. Everything’s blurry. Why is this happening? What’s ... why? Why, why, why?
“I’m sorry,” Ash breathes. Then he laughs—somehow, Ash brings himself to laugh—and Eiji’s chest collapses entirely. “At least this is the last time I’ll ever have to say sorry to you.”
“I need you,” Eiji whispers. He throws the blankets off of himself and stumbles out of the bed.
Ash’s eyes flash, and he jumps up to standing in one fluid motion. “Stay away,” Ash growls. “Don’t ever come near me again.”
Ash has never ... Eiji has heard his voice sound like this a dozen times or more, but never directed at Eiji.
Now Eiji collapses to the floor. “I’d do anything for you,” he confesses. “I’d ... anything, Ash. Will you let me?”
Shaking his head, Ash smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “You already know I’d do anything for you. If you wanted me to throw myself into the ocean for you, I would. In a heartbeat.”
“Ash. Ash, my—my love, my heart, my soul. I want you to stay.”
Ash’s smile falters and falls apart. “I can’t do that.”
“That’s all I need. All I want from you.”
“Anything but that. That’s ... the one thing I can’t give you. I can give you myself in a thousand ways, but I can’t stay. Not with you.”
“Why not? Ash, what’s ... Why are you doing this?”
Ash takes a step back from where Eiji landed on the floor. “I told you,” he says. “I don’t deserve you. And if I leave, you can move on. You can do better. You can ... forget me, and go where you’re meant to in life. Away from me. Safe, happy, content—”
“I am all of those things with you!”
But Ash just shakes his head again. “Even if you can do this, even if you can stay with me ... I can’t. I don’t ... Eiji, this? This—love? Love isn’t a language I’ve ever had to learn. And it’s too late, now. I can’t ... I’ll never be able to. I’ll never be able to accept your love, or return it.”
“You already are!” Eiji insists. “You love me. I know you do. I see it every day, and it’s flawless and perfect and amazing and I love you for it! I love you, I love you, I love you a thousand times for it.”
“I don’t deserve you,” Ash repeats. He shakes his head. “You don’t—chain me down. You don’t control me. But ... maybe I should be chained down. Maybe I deserve to be owned.”
“Ash!” Eiji shakes his head, clenching his hands into fists. “Is this my fault? Have I ... hurt you, or—?”
“No, Eiji. You could never. You’re ... fuck, you’re amazing. You’re the only one who can—make me feel this way. But I don’t deserve to feel this way.”
“Stop!” Eiji yells. He takes a breath, trying to lower his voice. He never wants to yell at Ash. This—none of this is what he’s ever wanted. “Stop with—all this talk of what you deserve, Ash. That’s not—I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.”
“Why?” Ash smiles, but his eyes are dark. “It’s the truth.”
“It is not! You deserve—everything, Ash. Everything good. You deserve the world, and I would give it to you if I could.”
Ash takes another fucking step back, bumping into the desk chair behind him. With every centimeter of distance between them, Eiji feels Ash grow apart from him by kilometers.
“It’s not—” Ash starts. He laughs. “It’s cliche, but it’s not you. It’s me. I’m fucked up. I always have been. It’s always been me. Always me hurting you, always me holding you back. Always me unable to accept the love that you so selflessly provide.”
“You think I am the selfless one between us?” Eiji asks, astounded.
Ash’s brow furrows. “Yes? I’m—Eiji, you’re perfect, and I’m as selfish as they come. More ... more than any person.”
“I hate this,” Eiji whispers.
Ash reaches behind him, gripping the desk chair in both of his hands. “I’m the only one who hears the silence in my head. And ... I can’t ... It drowns you out, sometimes. And you don’t deserve that. You deserve better.”
“Please come back,” Eiji pleads, as though Ash has already left. Maybe ... maybe he has.
“Eiji, I—fuck. Fuck!” Ash bites down on his lip, and this time Eiji notices that it’s too red. He’s bleeding.
Eiji wants so badly to step forward, but ... Ash told him not to, and ... What is he supposed to do in this situation? He can’t—he can’t let Ash leave. He can’t, he can’t! But ... if he makes him stay, how is he any different than everyone else who ... chained Ash down, in Ash’s own words?
“Eiji,” Ash repeats, and this time his expression is dark, and his voice darker. “Eiji, I—when you live a childhood where condoms outnumber baby teeth a dozen to one, where you see more clients than report cards, you wind up losing more than just your virginity.”
Eiji is speechless.
“You lose your humanity,” Ash whispers. Smiling.
“No, Ash. No, no! You’re not—Ash, I love you! I love you so, so so so much. Why can’t you see that?”
“That’s just it,” Ash says. He releases his grip on the chair, but then licks a bit of blood off of his lip.
Eiji can almost taste the copper himself, from two meters away.
“I can see it. I know how much you love me, and that ... that’s why I have to leave. I can’t do this to you. Not anymore.”
Eiji feels his body heat up. “No!” he yells. Wait, no—no, don’t yell at Ash. This isn’t his fault.
But Ash doesn’t even flinch.
“You are not hurting me, Ash. You would never hurt me.”
“You’re just blind to it,” Ash says. He’s glaring at Eiji now. “I’ve convinced you that I’m worth it. Because I’m—selfish, I’m evil, and I want your love. But I don’t deserve it.”
“You keep ...” Eiji takes a deep breath, trying to reign his heart back in. It’s running away from him, desperately trying to reach Ash. “You keep talking like you know what you deserve. But I do not think that you do. I don’t think ... I don’t think you understand at all.”
“I know,” Ash says bitterly. “I know what I deserve, and it’s ... not you. Not love. Not this gentleness you give me, not this kindness. I deserve ...” He laughs, but when he closes his eyes a tear slips out. “I deserve my past. Everything from ... before you.”
“What can I say to convince you to stay?” Eiji whispers. There has to be—something. “I’ll do anything. Anything at all, if you’ll just stay.”
Ash hesitates now, and Eiji feels a spark of hope.
“May I take a step closer to you?” Eiji asks. “Just a single step.”
Ash sobs first, but after a moment he nods.
Eiji slowly stands and steps forward. And it’s just a step, but it’s progress.
Breathing out of sync, Ash presses himself back against the desk chair, pushing it against the desk. “If you ... if you ever see me again, you don’t know me. Pretend you don’t know me.”
“I don’t think I can do that, my love. I don’t think I could ever make myself do something that would break my heart so thoroughly, let alone yours.”
“You have to,” Ash breathes. “You’ll have to. Or I’ll have to—leave. Farther.”
Eiji closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them, he asks, “May I take another step closer to you?”
Ash nods.
Progress.
“Do you want to leave?” Eiji asks, stepping forward. “Do you really, truly want to leave?”
“Yes,” Ash says. Immediate, confident, resolute.
Eiji’s heart shatters. But then—
“For me, or for you?” he asks.
“For you,” Ash replies, just as sure of himself as before.
Frowning, Eiji resists the urge to step forward again. Not until he can ask if he may. “What do you want for yourself?” he asks instead.
Ash hesitates now, and Eiji counts it as a small victory.
“You,” Ash whispers. “To stay with you.”
“Another step?” Eiji asks.
Ash squeezes his eyes shut. He gasps, or sobs, or just fucking cries, but he also nods.
Eiji steps forward, and now he’s right in front of Ash.
“If you want to stay, then stay,” Eiji breathes.
“No, Eiji, I—I can’t. I can’t ... do that to you.”
“May I hold your hand?” Eiji asks softly. “Please.”
Slowly—painfully, heartbreakingly slow, Ash reaches out a hand into the space between the two of them.
Eiji carefully takes hold of Ash’s hand. He squeezes gently, ever so cautious. Never forcing Ash, never pressuring him or making him uncomfortable.
Just showing him love.
“Stay,” Eiji whispers. Pleading, begging. “Please.”
“I ...” Ash starts. Hesitates again. Small victories. “I can’t ...”
“But you want to?” Eiji clarifies.
“Of course!” Ash admits. “I would love nothing more, but—”
“But you don’t deserve to,” Eiji finishes, all but rolling his eyes. “Ash, do you trust my judgement?”
Ash hesitates. Another victory. “Maybe in general, but—not in this. I can’t. You’re biased, Eiji. I—I fucked with your mind, and hurt you beyond belief, and ... I’ll just keep doing it, unless I leave.”
“May I hug you?” Eiji asks.
“No, no—fuck, no!” Ash cries. But at the same time, he flings himself forward, not letting go of Eiji’s hand as he crashes into him. Ash’s body is so slight that Eiji doesn’t even have to step back.
“Thank you,” Eiji breathes. “Thank you, Ash. My love.”
“I’m hurting you,” Ash insists. He’s sobbing now, fully crying, and it breaks Eiji’s heart.
“You are not. You could never. And I would tell you if you were.”
“I am; I am, Eiji, I am!”
“Never,” Eiji repeats. He squeezes Ash’s hand softly, and holds Ash close to him with his other arm. “You never have. Not a single time.”
“Always,” Ash protests. A sob tears through him, and he shakes against Eiji. “I have to—go; I have to leave!”
“It tears me apart that you think you need to leave me,” Eiji whispers, “but I am glad that you truly want to stay.”
Ash collapses, and Eiji supports his weight and lowers both of them to the floor. He holds Ash close still, all but pulling him into his lap.
“I shouldn’t,” Ash whimpers. “I’m selfish for wanting to.”
“You are not. You are not selfish for wanting something for yourself for once in your life.”
“I’m ... bad. Evil. I’m the villain in your life, ever since I met you.”
Eiji scoffs. “You are far from any of those things. You are good, and pure, and kind and selfless and absolutely incredible, Ash. Do you believe me?”
“No,” Ash says defiantly. Stubborn asshole.
“You will, one day,” Eiji insists. “If you stay.”
“Maybe ...” Ash whispers. “If you ... really, really want me to.”
“I do. It is all I want in this world. All I need in this world is you.”
Eiji feels a fire in his chest, in his heart. A spark that flares up, burning brighter than any love he’s felt before. And with every breath Ash takes, pressed against Eiji’s chest like this, the flames burn higher.
“I love you,” Ash whispers. “I’m sorry, but I do. I’m sorry I love you.”
“I am so grateful for your love.”
Ash falls to his side, pulling Eiji down with him until they’re both lying on the floor. Eiji laughs, and Ash somehow manages a giggle through his tears.
“I love you,” Ash repeats.
“I love you too. More than anything.”
Ash hugs Eiji close against him, and tangles their legs together. “Eiji,” he whispers.
“Will you stay?” Eiji asks.
Burying his face into Eiji’s neck, Ash sobs for what Eiji hopes is a final time.
“Yeah,” he breathes. “I’ll ... if you want. I’ll stay. As long as you want.”
Eiji breathes out a laugh. “How many times must I tell you? Though I will say it as many times as you need.”
“One more time?” Ash asks softly.
“Forever.” Eiji presses a kiss to Ash’s hair. “Forever.”