Archive of Our Own

We fade in on a silent, mostly empty government office, with a desk labeled “Customs.” The desk clerk looks bored as he flips through a magazine. Suddenly, he hears a low rumble. A mass of kids and adults barges through the door to the customs office, all chattering mindlessly. A frazzled looking Mr. Simmons makes his way through the crowd.

Mr. Simmons:

Excuse me...pardon...coming through... (to the desk clerk) Hola, ¿hablas ingles?

Desk clerk: (sourly)

…Yes, how can we help you, sir?

Mr. Simmons:

Hi, we’re the Simmons party, ready to depart for the United States...I’m Simmons, by the way.

Desk clerk: (standing up and scowling)

Single file, right this way.

We cut to a montage of each person speaking with an increasingly baffled customs agent, starting with the Pataki family.

Agent:

Names?

Bob:

Bob Pataki.

Miriam:

That’s spelled P-A-T...

Bob: (cutting her off)

The lady’s not an idiot, Miriam, she knows how to spell our name! And this is Olga and...help me out here.

Helga:

For the last time, it’s Helga, dad. Doy!

Agent:

OK, Mr. Johansen, it says here you’re listed as 4’7”, but you’re showing up as a foot taller than that. Can we get you to...?

Gerald is standing by a ruler on the wall.

Gerald:
Nope, not touching the hair. You can see where my head stops, right? Sheesh.

Agent:

Ms. Heyerdahl, do you have any electronic devices capable of generating radio waves?

Phoebe: (holding a device)

As a matter of fact, I have this satellite transmitter that I rigged up myself using a repurposed cellular phone. It’s one of my proudest engineering achievements, so I’d like to- (the agent confiscates it) oh, you’re taking it. Surrendering!

Agent:

Any fruit to declare?

Harold: (with his arms full of candy)

Wait, is chocolate a fruit?...If so then yes.

Agent:

Have you contracted any contagious diseases while in the country?

Eugene: (still swollen into a ball)

Is pitaya allergy contagious? Also, could someone please get medical help?

Agent:

Any animals or insects?

Nadine: (holding a small insect cage)

Just Boris, my tarantula. He’s my therapy animal, though.

Agent:

Any other material goods purchased in the country?

Rhonda: (surrounded by baggage)

Oh, just this new cell phone. And twenty-seven pieces of designer luggage. (whispering, lifting up her hair) And this wig, but don’t you dare tell anyone.

Agent:

What is your destination? City, state?

Stinky:

Well, that’s a humdinger of a question. Can you give me a hint?

Agent:

What is the nature of your voyage?

Sid: (crying)

I want to go hoooome!

Agent:

Any weapons or other dangerous objects?

Curly: (still dressed as a “savage”)

You’re lookin’ at him! Ahahaha!

A guard approaches looking sternly at Curly, foisting a shirt into his hands.

Agent: (at the end of her rope)

OK, in the name of all that is holy, are you able to provide an answer to any of these questions?

Brainy: (heavily breathing)

Uh...I dunno.

Mr. Simmons:

He’s with us, he’s just shy is all. And we also have five others who will be traveling separately in a private craft.

Agent:

Yes, right...the Shortman family, I see them here. That includes Miles and Stella, the long-lost humanitarian couple found miraculously alive after ten years, as well as Philip, Gertrude, and (squints at paper) …Arnold.

HEY, ARNOLD!

“Arnold’s Secret”

The opening titles appear over a clear, calm, summer evening off the coast of some exotic European locale (i.e. the French Riviera, the islands of Greece, Naples, etc), with charming rustic towns between the mountains and the placid sea. A yacht is anchored in the bay, and we see Arnold standing at the edge of the deck, admiring the sunset. We then see Helga emerge from below deck carrying two soda bottles.  In this sequence, both of them are around 20 years old.

Helga: (tossing one over)

Hey, Arnold, heads up!

Arnold snaps out of his reverie in time to catch it, smiling.

Arnold: (flirtatiously)

You shook this one up, didn’t you?

Helga:

On my honor, I didn’t! But I’ll open it for you just to prove it.

Arnold:

Then I’ll open yours.

The two swap bottles; Helga opens Arnold’s bottle to no event, but when Arnold opens her bottle, it sprays him in the face with soda. They both laugh hysterically at the prank, then look into each other’s eyes, smiling wide, as she parts the wet hair from his face.

Helga:

You’re so trusting. I’ve always loved that.

Arnold:

And I love that you always keep me on my toes.

The two hold hands and continue looking out at the sun setting over the sea.

Arnold:

Looks like we made it. There’s no place in the world I’d rather be than right here, right now, with you.

Helga:

I couldn’t agree more.

The two lean in for a kiss, but are interrupted by a rumbling. We see that one of the mountains is a volcano, beginning to erupt. They look on in horror as a huge wave of fire and ash shoots down the mountainside right towards them. A big wave in the ocean rocks the boat and knocks Arnold overboard. Helga cries out his name as he struggles to make it back to the boat as the wall of fire closes in.

We fade from the volcano nightmare to Arnold asleep in a seat on an airplane, squirming and saying "No!".

Stella, offscreen:

Arnold? Arnold? Hey, Arnold!

Arnold awakens with a gasp. From his POV, he focuses and sees his mother in the seat next to him, with a hand on his shoulder, smiling comfortingly.

Stella:

Arnold, sweetie, you were dreaming.

Arnold’s dad is seated on the other side of Arnold, by the window.

Miles:

We just had a little turbulence. Must have woken you up, huh, buddy?

Arnold: (drowsily)

Oh, yeah. ( yawns ) But I’m awake now.

Grandpa pops up from the row of seats behind them.

Grandpa:

You OK, short man? Do you need a travel pillow? (holds up a donut-shaped pillow)

Arnold:

No thanks, Grandpa.

Grandpa:

Good, because this one’s been under my keister for three hours.

We see that the family is aboard the small rental aircraft they used to fly to San Lorenzo to come to the rescue in the movie - the only passengers are Arnold, his mom, his dad, Grandma, and Grandpa. Grandma is fast asleep by the window. As Arnold shakes off his drowsiness, he becomes choked up with emotion as the reality of having his long-lost parents back in his life sinks in.

Miles:

What’s the matter, Arn?

Arnold: (holding back tears)

Nothing. It’s just...so surreal that this is all happening. I never thought this day would ever come.

Stella:

If you think that’s surreal, imagine how this is for us. It feels like just days ago we said goodbye to our little baby boy, then we fell asleep and woke up to this young man standing there.

Miles:

I’m less upset about losing ten years of my life than I am about missing ten years of *your* life, bud. But I’m a lucky man to be here today. (He turns around to face Grandma and Grandpa) And even luckier that my folks have hung in there all this time. (Pauses, turns to face his wife) Stel, I think it’s time I close the book on the adventuring days of my life, and start a new chapter as part of a family. What do you say? Are you with me?

Stella feigns thinking about it for a second.

Stella:

Let’s see, risk losing another decade of my life, or spend time watching our son grow up? I’ll have to ponder that one. (She gives Miles a playful nudge in the arm) Arnold, what do you think we should do?

Arnold rolls his eyes and smiles at his parents’ lighthearted teasing. At that point, Grandma bolts upright and joins in the conversation.

Grandma:

I say we ready the parachutes, we’re ten clicks away from the drop zone above Dresden!

Grandpa:

Oh Pookie, are you playing General Patton again?

Grandma:

Naw, I’m just foolin’ around. (hugs Miles around the neck, kisses his head) Welcome back, son.

Grandpa: (raising a triumphant fist)

The Shortmans ride again!

Arnold:

I must be the luckiest kid in the world right now.

As Arnold says this, we zoom out from the small plane and pan to a commercial passenger jet, following not far behind. We hear Big Bob begin to speak as we fade to the interior of the jet, where he, Miriam, Olga, and Helga are all seated in business class.

Bob:

I must be the luckiest guy in the world right now!

Miriam:

I know, B, it’s so wonderful to be together as a family again. (Hiccups)

Bob:

Huh? Oh, yeah, that’s great, but what I was going to say is that we're no longer broke! We can move back into the house as soon as tomorrow!

Olga:

That’s wonderful, Daddy!... But how did you do that?

Bob:   (his face falling to a scowl)

Big Bob Pataki is the world's greatest salesman, and a salesman never reveals his secrets.

Flash back to a scene back in Lasombra's hideout in the jungle, after the adults had parachuted in and saved the kids. While Phil, Pookie, and Miriam hold the pirates captive and protect the kids, Bob goes wandering off to where the pirates' ill-gotten treasures are stashed. Whistling nonchalantly, he digs around indiscriminately, until he uncovers suitcases full of cash, which he stuffs into his clothes in a wild-eyed frenzy of greed.

Cut back to present, where Bob pats a suitcase in his lap.

Bob:

Let's just say I have it under control. We're done with beepers for good!

Miriam:   (barely audible)

Oh, thank criminy...

Olga:

Do you have any plans for what you’re going to do next?

Bob:

Well, I was wondering if you would like to stay and help your dad reboot Big Bob’s Emporium for the modern age, since you're such a great businesswoman.

Olga histrionically tears up with pride.

Olga:

Oh, Daddy, I’d love to!

Bob:

Great! Your mother can work with me in sales, and we could get your sister to help out around the store, make it a family business. Speaking of, could you wake up your sister?

We pan over and see that Helga is fast asleep, snoring with a contented look upon her face.

Olga: (whispering and gingerly nudging Helga)

Helga? Helga?

Cut to a brief shot of Helga reliving her first kiss from Arnold in the jungle in her mind, blissfully unaware of her sister.

Bob: (loudly)

Hey, you!

He inflates a paper airsickness bag and pops it, shocking Helga awake (and startling Miriam in the process) .

Helga: (angered at being rudely awoken)

What, Bob?!? I need to sleep!

Bob:

Did you hear anything I said, little lady?

Helga: (with signature sarcasm)

Yeah, you were saying how great it is to have Olga back around and how great it is to be the beeper king.

Bob:

Hey, hey, I’m done with beepers now, and I was offering you a job.

Helga:

I’m not in the mood to talk business, Bob. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to stretch my legs.

She gets up from her seat and marches away from her family towards the back of the plane. We hear some snippets of conversations as she walks by.

Sid: (crying softly)

I feel so incomplete without my Beatle boots.

Rhonda: (sighing with irritation, pulling out a cell phone)

You know what, Sid? I’ll just order you a pair right now if you’ll shut up about it.

Sid:

Boy howdy! You’re so nice!

Rhonda:

Well, it’s mainly that you’ve been walking around with mud-encrusted bare feet all day, and that’s revolting.

Harold:

Hey, my feet are revolting, too! Buy me something, Rhonda!

Curly:

Shove off, tubby, she’s mine!

Rhonda:

Anyone wanna change seats? 

Nadine:

Wow, Eugene, you look like a million bucks now that the swelling went down!

Eugene: (chipper as ever)

Yep, the nice people at the airport first aid center treated me for my allergies. Now I just have to see a psychiatrist for a long and thorough bout of therapy to cope with the harrowing experience I just survived. But other than that, I’m okay!

Stinky:

Hey Brainy, you seem awful mum. Whatcha thinkin’ about?

Cut to Brainy’s perspective, looking at the clouds out the window, one of which is shaped like Helga’s head.

Brainy:

Uh...I dunno.

Helga finally spots Phoebe in the back row, seated next to Gerald. Phoebe perks up upon seeing her best friend.

Phoebe:

Helga! ( she gives her a quick hug ) I’m so happy you’re alright!

Helga:

You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, Phoebs. What’s cracking?

Gerald: (resting his arm around Phoebe)

I was just telling this sweet little lady about all the crazy things I saw in that lost city.

Helga: (impressed)

Wow, you two finally decided to go steady? High time, you’ve been flirting with each other for years... (suddenly becomes nervous) Wait, Gerald, did you tell her *everything* you saw?

Helga gives Gerald a hinting look as she draws a football shape in the air with her fingers. Gerald looks puzzled for a moment and then realizes what she’s referring to.

Gerald:

Just what I can remember right now. It was a whirlwind adventure! Some of the details get a little fuzzy. (Winks at Helga)

Helga: (relieved)

Well, don’t think too hard. We should probably all get some rest.

Phoebe:

Actually, to my knowledge, we should be landing at home in just a few minutes. Arnold’s plane should be landing too.

Helga:

Arnold... (a distant look of tranquility spreads across her face, then she snaps back to reality) ...Good thing we’re not on the same plane as that goofball, or we’d end up stuck in the Bermuda Triangle or something.

Gerald and Phoebe look at each other with a knowing smirk as we cut to an exterior shot of the two planes flying across the sky.

We fade to the airport terminal in Hillwood, in the late afternoon, where we see both planes have landed. The passengers of the jet plane begin to file into the concourse from the walkway, but Helga barges past all of them in a hurry.

Helga:

Outta my way! One side! Move it or lose it! (to herself) Why did I drink all that fruit punch?

She makes a beeline for the restroom. We pan over to Arnold and his family entering the concourse from their plane. Arnold then notices his shoe is untied.

Arnold:

You guys go on ahead, I’ll catch right up.

He quickly ties his shoe, then runs ahead to get caught up. At the same time, Helga is exiting the restroom, and the two collide at a 90 degree angle as they always do on the street corner.

Helga:

Hey, watch where you’re go- (She suddenly realizes who she ran into and goes from irate to sheepish) …Oh. Hey, Arnold.

Arnold: (equally sheepish)

Hey, Helga. How was your flight?

Helga:

It was fine... How are you?

Arnold:

Really tired, but otherwise I couldn’t be happier.

Helga:

Oh. That’s good...

The two sit in awkward silence for a beat and then stand up, avoiding eye contact.

Helga:

So, was there anything you wanted to say? Following up on...before?

Arnold: (his face changing from uneasy to kind-hearted)

Oh, yeah, you probably want my phone number. Do you have a pen and paper?

Helga: (taken aback, blushing)

Uh...yeah, that’d be cool.

She pulls out of her pocket a pen and her prized locket, with the taped-up photo of Arnold inside. With trembling hands she takes out the photo and gives the pen and it to Arnold. He looks at the photo with a smile.

Arnold:

Ha, you kept my fourth grade picture? I thought I looked terrible in that one. (He writes something down on the back of the picture) This is the one phone we have at the boarding house, so don’t be surprised if I don’t answer it or it’s busy.

Helga:

…Thanks, foot-...I mean, guy. (An awkward pause) I should probably give you mine too!

She looks frantically around for something to write on, then spots an advertisement posted on the wall of the airport. She rips the corner off and manically scribbles on the back of it, then foists it into Arnold’s hands.

Helga:

That’s for my cell phone - we don’t have a landline anymore ever since we started squatting in the beeper store. You should get a cell, too - if they make them for your people of your... cranial distinction.

Arnold: (pocketing the scrap of paper)

Thanks, Helga.

He takes a beat and then gives her a big hug; she stiffens up in shock, then relaxes into a blissful expression and hugs him back.

Helga:

… Oh...

Arnold:

Did you say something?

Helga releases him abruptly, blushing like mad.

Helga:

…Nothing! I - you should get going, catch up with your family.

Arnold:

Well, really it’s my parents who will need to do the catching up.

Arnold starts jogging away to catch up with his family, blowing her a kiss as he does.

Arnold:

See you around!

Helga swoons briefly, pockets her photo, and hightails it to regroup with her family.

The setting sun casts a beatific glow upon the streets of Arnold’s block. A cab pulls up to the Sunset Arms boarding house, and the Shortman family exits with their luggage. Miles gazes upon the old brick building with wide, tearful eyes of gratitude, and Stella does much the same.

Miles:

It looks just like I remember it.

Stella:

I’ve never been so happy to see this place.

Arnold: (looking frazzled but incredibly excited)

This is so amazing! I can’t wait to introduce you to all the boarders!

Grandpa:

Well, “introduce” might be the wrong word, short man. We haven’t had any new residents since Oskar started practicing saxophone with the windows open, which was about...ten years ago. (leans into the cab) Wake up, Pookie, we’re finally home.

Stella:

Home, what a beautiful word to hear...

Cut to inside the boarding house as Grandpa opens the door. He pauses and looks puzzled.

Grandpa:

That’s funny, I’d think for sure the pets would be raring to go out...

He takes one step and steps on a trip wire, which pulls a bucket of ice water down from a stepladder onto Grandpa’s head. As he yelps in astonishment, we hear a voice from down the hall.

Ernie, offscreen:

Stop right there, you bum! This is your only warning to leave before we get serious!

Arnold: (stepping through the threshold)

Mr. Potts?

Grandpa: (livid, storming ahead)

What in the blue blazes is the meaning of this? (Grandpa rounds the corner into the living room and is immediately hit in the face with an egg; he growls.) It’s us, ya puddingheads!

We see that the couches and chairs have been set up to create a makeshift fort. Oskar, Ernie, and Mr Hyunh poke their heads out cautiously. Abner the pig follows, sniffs once, then comes bolting out to greet Arnold as he enters the room.

Mr. Hyunh:

Oh, it’s just you, Phil! My bad, very sorry.

Oskar:

You tripped our burglar alarm, so we armed ourselves. (chuckles nervously, holds up a carton of eggs)

Ernie:

You and Granny took off on such short notice, we started getting worried!

Grandpa:

Did it ever occur to you to lock the door first? (The three men look sheepishly at each other and at the floor) Anywho, I’m not even going to ask any more questions because I’m in a good mood. We have very special company.

Miles and Stella shyly enter the room. The three boarders look like they have just seen a ghost.

Miles:

Mr. Potts, Mr. Hyunh, Mr. Kokoshka...long time no see.

The boarders group hug Arnold’s parents with expressions of amazement and disbelief. Abner leaps onto both of them, licking their faces affectionately.

Ernie:

Miles and Stella Shortman...as I live and breathe, I never imagined you'd be standing here again.

Mr Hyunh:

This calls for a celebration!

Oskar:

Let's order one of those cookies the size of a pizza!

Grandpa:

Now, hold your horses, men, can’t you see we’re all bushed? Well, then again, these two have had a decade of beauty rest! (affectionately squeezes his son and daughter-in-law)

Stella:

Well, we should still turn in for the evening, get back into the rhythm of life. C’mon, Miles, let’s put these couches back so we have somewhere to sleep.

Grandma:

Balderdash! No family of mine is sleeping on the couch.

Grandpa:

You’re home now.

Ernie:

Uh, this is all extremely heartwarming, but I ain’t giving up my hole in the wall for nobody.

Mr. Hyunh:

Me neither!

Oskar:

Are there even any other rooms left?

Grandpa and Grandma look at each other knowingly.

Grandpa:

Pookie, would you grab the keys to ( air quotes ) “the special closet?” 

Grandma darts away excitedly; the boarders and Arnold look puzzled. The whole group walks up the stairs and down the hall.

Ernie:

Phil, I swear if you're hiding another bathroom from us, I'll take my wrecking ball straight to the cornerstone of this place with you inside...

They stop at what appears to be a blank space in the wall, where Grandma awaits with a key. She moves aside a painting and reveals a small keyhole; upon turning the key, a panel of the wall slides aside to reveal another door. She opens the door with a flourish and flicks on the lights. It is a charmingly decorated bedroom with two large study desks covered in maps and photographs. Miles and Stella enter, awestruck.

Miles:

Dad...you kept it just like we left it.

Grandpa:

Well, this was mostly Pookie’s pet project. Your mother never lost hope that one day, you’d come home again.

Stella and Miles both tearfully hug Grandma.

Miles:

Thanks, Mom.

Stella:

This is wonderful...wait, how come you hid our room behind a secret panel?

Grandma:

I camouflaged it so nobody would come snooping around your things. I myself often forget it’s here!

Grandpa: (yawning)

Well, I’m gonna hit the ol’ dusty trail. (to the boarders) You rubberneckers should do the same, give the family some privacy.

The boarders disperse, as do Grandma and Grandpa, leaving only Arnold looking with wonderment at his parents.

Miles:

It’s like we never left. The only difference is how much you’ve grown, Arnold.

Stella:

We’re so sorry we couldn’t be there for you. (She holds her son tight, crying ) We were so occupied with our adventures that we missed the greatest adventure of all - watching you grow up. I’ll never let that happen again.

Arnold:

Mom, it’s OK. We’re all together now.

Miles: (tousling Arnold’s hair)

You’re the best kid we could ask for. Now, you should probably go off to bed. I guess that’s what I should say, as your dad and all.

Arnold: (sheepishly)

Uh, I was wondering...could you and Mom tuck me in?

The two parents smile at each other. Cut to Arnold’s bedroom, as his parents tuck him into bed and give him a goodnight kiss.

Stella:

We love you, Arnold.

Miles:

Sleep tight. We’ll see you in the morning. We promise.

The two turn off the lights and slowly close the door behind them. Arnold looks peaceful as he settles into his bed, but first pulls out a scrap of paper from his pocket and reads it. Close up on the paper, which reads “555-9703 - H ♥”. He sighs with mingled contentment and exhaustion, then collapses fast asleep.

Fade to the exterior of Big Bob's Beepers, where the family has been squatting while their house was foreclosed. Big Bob slams open the front door and begins making a beeline for the back of the store.

Bob:

Whoo-ee, back to civilization at last. I’m takin’ a shower first, I can still feel jungle swamp in my groin.

Miriam: (following him)

I’m gonna whip up a quick batch of smoothies, if anyone wants some...

Olga:

I’ll help you, mommy!

The women duck into the break room (which has been rigged up as a makeshift kitchen), leaving Helga standing alone in the showroom.

Helga:

I’ll just...go to my room and go immediately to sleep then!

We follow Helga past the break room where her mother and sister are dumping fruit in a blender, and past the work restroom, from which we hear a running shower and Bob sighing with relief. Finally she reaches a supply closet with a piece of paper “Helga’s Room - DO NOT ENTER” taped to the door - she looks around furtively and darts inside, locking the door.

She pulls out her locket photo of Arnold and her pupils grow huge as a crinkled smile of ecstasy spreads across her face.

Helga:

Oh, Arnold! (She smooches the photograph, then flings herself into bed, squealing with joy) He loves me! He loves me! Oh frabjous day! Callooh-callay! All these years spent pining away, worrying that my passionate adoration of you would be tragically unrequited, when all I needed to do was speak plainly and honestly! You found room in your great big heart for me, and all I had to do was unlock it with the key of kindness! And to see you reunited with your long-lost family...it makes my heart ache with happiness for you. You saintly boy, you deserve the best that life has to offer! I won’t ever let anything bad happen to you, least of all at my own hand, effective immediately!

Her expression falls as she realizes something.

Helga:

Oh, right...I should probably start by dealing with this...

She opens the trapdoor and clambers down into the storage basement of the store. Flicking on the lights, we see the library of tapes from The Jungle Movie , which contain surveillance footage (and amateur video of her own) following Arnold’s exploits.

Helga: (with mounting guilt)

Wow, when I take a step back, this all looks...inhumanly creepy. (She picks up a couple tapes and looks at them.) But I mean, without them, we never would have even got to San Lorenzo in the first place... (She frowns.) But what, am I really going to need all these when I have the real thing? What would Arnold say? (Doing a mocking impression of Arnold) “It’s okay, Helga, I like knowing someone’s always watching me!” He would totally spin it into something positive, that little... (Her voice softens to being smitten again) verdant-eyed, straw-haired Adonis... Oh! I can’t believe he kissed me...It was better than I ever dreamed...

Helga smiles with fondness, then comes to her senses, throwing the tapes over her shoulder.

Helga: (determined)

On this day, Helga G. Pataki is born anew. Commencing Operation Electric Phoenix!

Cut to Helga opening a fuse box and flicking some switches.

Helga:

Thank criminy for VHS tapes and Phoebe’s knowledge of electromagnets.

She pulls a large switch like a mad scientist, and a buzzing is heard as electricity pulses through all of the tape shelves and the computer she set up. We see she has rigged dozens of magnets; as they are electrified, a burst of magnetism pulses out. Helga’s locket tries to escape from under her shirt, but she holds on tight. We see the power in the entire block go out for a second. Helga flicks the switch back and everything stops.

Helga: (dusting her hands off theatrically)

Every last second of footage, wiped cleaner than Harold’s plate. Now for the hard evidence.

Helga darts over to some cardboard boxes in the corner marked “Helga’s Boring Unimportant Stuff - Do Not Bother With Looking Inside.” Opening the box, she pulls out various tokens, like hair clippings and used napkins, all in marked plastic bags.

Helga:

Well, human cloning isn’t going to be legal any time soon, so I guess I don’t need these...

She unearths a notebook marked “Ice Cream - Volume 74.” Leafing through it, we see a montage of scenes in the past when she would write her poems, from on the bus as a younger child, to in her closet shrine at her old house, to in the background while her family is being thrown out of the house, to on her cot in the storage closet. Cut back to Helga looking nostalgic.

Helga:

Do I really need to keep these? I can’t risk my florid prose falling into the wrong hands.

Cut to Helga opening the back door of the beeper store, straining to carry a huge stack of boxes full of tapes. She drops them one by one into a dumpster.

Helga:

I know I should recycle, but can’t risk any of this crud falling into the wrong hands.

Helga is about to deposit the last box, containing her notebooks, when she turns and sees Big Bob (in a bathrobe), Miriam, and Olga all enjoying smoothies together through the window of the “kitchen.” Curious, Helga ducks underneath the window and eavesdrops.

Bob:

Thanks, Miriam, I needed this. (He takes a huge gulp) I can’t believe our girls were almost lost in the dang rainforest forever, all because of that football-headed dweeb.

Olga:

Daddy, don’t take it out on Arnold; it’s not his fault, and look, we’re all safe again!

Bob:

Yeah, thanks to me, and your mother, and those weird grandparents of his. At least Helga seems to get that he’s bad news - she’s always pushing him around, giving him the what-for.

Miriam:

B, I thought Phil and Gertie were very nice folks. And didn’t ya see that Arnold’s missing parents were alive and well? We should get to know them.

Bob: (scoffing)

Pah! Great, now they’ve got a full house of whack-jobs. I tell ya, if any of us Patakis ever get friendly with those Shortmans again, it’ll be too soon.

Helga looks devastated as she overhears her father. She looks down at the poems in the box, then defiantly closes up the box and sets it down. Approaching the dumpster, Helga strikes a match.

Helga:

Foolish father, thinking you can stand in the way of true love? Your blinkered eyes will never see just how brightly the passion between Arnold and I will burn!

Helga throws the match into the dumpster, setting it ablaze. She retrieves her poems box, returns to her closet, stows the poems box under the bed, and flops down on her cot, exhausted. Opening her eyes with a perturbed look, she pulls her photograph of Arnold out of the locket and reads the note scrawled on the back: “555-0373 - A 🙂 .”

Helga: (sourly)

At least, it better, ‘cause you’re all I have left in this world, football head.

Cut to an exterior of the store, where a flickering fire lights up the alleyway in the night.  

Bob, offscreen: (shouting)

Mother Superior! Somebody call the fire department!

We fade to the exterior of the boarding house [sub: A few days later]. Cut to Arnold in his room, lying on his couch on the phone, mid-conversation with Gerald.

Gerald, over the phone:

...So I say, “Can I have Jamie O’s room while he’s away at college?” And my mom says that “He will still need it whenever he comes home to visit.” Which is, what, three times a year? (Cut to Gerald talking on a cell phone in his room) The guy sleeps in that bed less than ten percent of the year, and he still gets it all to himself? Ri-diculous.

Arnold:

Hey, it’s good to have a home to come back to. My grandparents kept my parents’ room the same way it was for ten years, and that came in handy.

Gerald:

Man, I’m happy for you and your family! Your parents seem super legit.

Arnold:

I mean, it’s been an adjustment, having my parents in the picture again. All week we’ve mostly just been talking, though. (cut to flashback of Arnold’s parents reenacting a story) They’ve been telling me all about their old adventures, (cut to Arnold and his parents seated in front of a computer monitor) while I get them caught up on my life, and to the 21st century. (Cut to Arnold showing them a scrapbook of moments from the earlier seasons) They even said some of my life stories were more unbelievable and exciting than anything they've ever encountered!

Gerald:

I just hope they don’t start treating you like my family does with me! They wouldn’t leave me alone for a week after I got home, said they “couldn’t bear to let me go again.” But today I’m free, and I’m taking Phoebe to Thrill Zone.

Arnold:

Thrill Zone?

Gerald:

Didn’t you hear? They just opened up down by the boardwalk, where the shoelace factory used to be. (cut to footage showing Thrill Zone, a massive, neon-lit indoor arcade) It’s the ultimate entertainment center! Mini golf, laser tag, pizza...they’ve even got one of those escape rooms! (cut to the two kids in split screen) I hear it’s way more expensive than the old arcade, but I gotta pull out all the stops for Phoebs. First date and all. Speaking of...have you talked with H.G.P.?

Arnold: (glancing at the scrap of paper on his nightstand)

Not yet. I’ve been really busy spending time with my family. And she hasn’t called me yet, so I’m a little worried.

Gerald:

Arnold, you gotta make the first call. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do for your girlf-

Gerald is cut off as we see, in split screen, Mr Hyunh picking up the receiver in the hallway.

Mr Hyunh:

Hello? Who is this?

Arnold: (patiently)

Mr Hyunh, I’m on the phone right now.

Mr Hyunh:

Get off line, please! I have to make an important call.

Arnold:

Alright. Sorry! Talk to you later, Gerald.

Gerald:

Word. 

Arnold hangs up the receiver, looking perplexed. He walks downstairs past Mr Hyunh on the phone, speaking in Vietnamese. We overhear Hyunh get his conversation interrupted.

Mr Hyunh:

Ernie! Get off line, please! I’m on an important call.

Arnold walks into the entryway, where Ernie and Oskar are arguing in front of the phone.

Ernie:

Wait your stinkin’ turn, Kokoshka, I’m up next after Hyunh.

Oskar:

No fair! I need to call psychic now so I know what lotto numbers to pick.

Arnold continues looking thoughtful as he walks into the living room. His parents and grandparents are huddled around a very Nineties looking computer on a desk in the corner.

Arnold:

Morning. What’s going on here?

Stella:

Hey, Arn! We were all going to watch a video on the “world wide web,” but we can’t until everyone’s off the phone.

Miles:

I was really looking forward to seeing a cat playing piano. What a time to be alive!

Arnold:

About that...Grandpa, don’t you think it’s time we got more than *one* phone line for the whole boarding house?

Grandpa: ( laughing )

You’re quite the big dreamer, short man. How would we go about that?

Arnold:

Cell phones?

The four adults look at him with confusion.

Grandma:

If we sell our phones, then we wouldn’t have any.

Arnold: (sighing)

They’re phones you carry in your pocket anywhere you go. That way we can all call whoever we need to at the same time, plus if we’re apart, we can call and check in with each other anywhere.

Miles:

Wow, like a walkie-talkie you can order pizza with!

Stella:

Good thinking, Arnold! You’re keeping us old fogies up to speed. We should go and buy them today.

Grandpa:

I think we know a guy who sells ‘em...

Cut to a close-up of Big Bob eating a burrito.

Bob: (while chewing)

Alright, has everyone got the game plan? Miriam, you’re on the sales floor. Olga, you’ll be running the books in the back. And, uh, Helga, I need you to do (belch) inventory on the whole store.

Zoom out to reveal the Pataki family eating breakfast of microwaved burritos in the break room of Big Bob’s - Miriam looking distant, Olga looking chipper, and Helga looking sullen.

Olga:

Isn’t this exciting, baby sister? We’ve got a family business to run!

Helga: (with requisite sarcasm)

Yeah, my perfect Saturday. If you think it’s so exciting counting beans, why don’t you just do my job as well?

Bob:

Hey, hey! Watch it, missy, or you’ll spend every Saturday for the rest of the year in your room. (To Miriam, but also to no one in particular) I tell ya, the other one’s been awfully mouthy to her parents lately. Probably from spending too much time around that football-headed kid - he didn’t have parents for his whole life, so he has no respect for authority. (He turns to Helga) Hey, sourpuss! Your mother and I have agreed that you’re not allowed to fraternize with your little friend Albert - no, wait, Arthur - the one that nearly got you killed in the jungle. He’s bad news.

Miriam: (drowsily)

Huh? Oh, sure...

Helga: (panicking)

No!... (nonchalantly) I mean, no problem, Bob. I’m sick of seeing him everywhere I go! Wish he would just leave me alone.

Bob:

Good. Now grab a clipboard and start counting!

Helga exits the break room and ducks out of sight to deliver a monologue to her locket.

Helga: (in soliloquy)

Oh, dearest! The oafish patriarch has drawn a line in the sand betwixt our hearts! Alas, I must obey him, and once again don the cruel mask of enmity to preserve my very being. I hope that you understand that I do this so our love can prevail in the end.

Her cell phone rings; she picks it up and hears Brainy’s heavy breathing.

Helga: (cold-blooded menacing)

If you call this number again, you’re going to wake up in five different plastic bags, understand? 

The line disconnects.

Cut to some time later, when Arnold, his parents, and Grandpa pull up to Big Bob’s Emporium in the Packard. The family enters the store; Miriam approaches with a welcoming expression.

Miriam:

Oh, hi Phil! Nice to see you again. And you must be the long-lost Shortmans everyone’s been talking about. I’m Miriam Pataki, my daughter goes to school with your boy.

She shakes hands with Miles and Stella, who introduce themselves.

Miles:

From what I understand, we owe you a debt of honor for helping save the kids, and consequently, my wife and I.

Miriam: (flattered )

Oh, don’t mention it! It was Phil and Gertie who did most of that. So what brings you good folks in today?

Arnold:

We’re looking to get a family cell phone plan.

Cut to Big Bob, sitting in his office, starting to overhear the conversation, then looking through the window in the office to see the Shortman family. He furrows his brow.

Miriam:

Well, not only can I get ya started with the perfect phones for what ya need, we’ll take fifty percent off, just for all you did to save our daughters.

Stella:

Gosh, that’s so sweet of you!

Bob growls and marches to the front of the store.

Bob: (feigning friendliness)

Hahaha, oh Miriam, you oughta be in stand-up, that’s a good one. Always a kidder. (Gives Miriam the evil eye; turns to the Shortman family) Now, I think I know what you folks need, right this way. (Turns to Arnold, his voice dropping to a menacing tone) Go busy yourself, the adults are talking.

Arnold looks confused, but begins to browse the merchandise. He suddenly spots Helga, who is sullenly counting charging cords and writing on a clipboard.

Arnold:

Helga! How have you been?

Helga looks up in shock; she glances over at her father in his office across the showroom, then up at the various security cameras. Her face falls to a scowl.

Helga:

What business is it of yours, football head?

Arnold:

Whoa, sorry. Is there something wrong?

Helga: (sarcastically)

No, everything is going hunky-dory! I’m stuck counting trinkets for King Bob for no pay, and now your dumb face has to waltz on in and annoy me!

Arnold: (hurt)

...Is it because I haven’t called? I’m really sorry, I really wanted to, but it’s been so crazy.

Arnold puts a hand on her shoulder. Helga sees the sad look in his eyes and a look of regret and sorrow briefly flashes across her face, but she spots her dad looking out of his office window with suspicion. She resumes her cantankerous performance, recoiling.

Helga:

Don’t you dare touch me, loser! Leave me alone.

Arnold:

I don’t understand your hostility towards me. Whatever I did, I apologize.

He walks to a chair in the corner and sits forlornly. Cut to Big Bob making a sales pitch to the adults.

Bob: (holding up a cheap flip phone)

So, you’ll each get a top-of-the-line model like this, with up to 60 minutes per month, all at the low price of one thousand dollars per month. And that’s a steal!

Stella: (looking dismayed)

Hmm, that seems pretty steep. I thought I saw much cheaper prices online.

Bob: (getting frustrated)

It’s store policy that we cannot match lower prices found elsewhere. But, I can sweeten the pot with a limited edition Big Bob boxing pen!

Bob holds up a novelty pen that looks like him wearing boxing gloves, pushing the button on the back to make the arms move. Grandpa looks at him with suspicion.

Grandpa:

This doesn’t sit right...

Bob:

Fine! Nine hundred dollars. Final offer.

Miriam overhears this and stands in the doorway of the office.

Miriam:

Oh, for Pete’s sake, B, they’re friends of the family. And that’s way too much for that model - how does thirty a month sound?

Bob: (clenching teeth)

Miriam, you’re blowing it...

Miles:

I think that sounds great! All in favor?

Stella nods in agreement. Grandpa stands up and points in Bob’s face.

Grandpa:

Ha! I knew it, you little chiseler. Trying to pull a fast one, eh? Well, Steely Phil can smell a flim-flam a mile away, and you, Bob Pataki, are reeking worse than the army latrine on taco night.

Bob:

Hey, that’s business. “Let the buyer beware,” they say.

Grandpa:

Well, I’ll “beware” and take my money elsewhere...but we don’t know where else to buy these things and I’m getting hungry and tired, so we’ll take you up on the thirty buck dealie.

Cut back to Arnold, sitting alone in the chair. His family approaches, Miles carrying a shopping bag, Grandpa looking peeved.

Grandpa:

Come on, short man. We got the goods, we’re skedaddling. I tell ya, if any of us ever run into that Pataki fella again, it’ll be too soon.

Arnold looks down, sadly. 

Fade to Arnold sitting at the dinner table, looking down at his plate, with the same expression. The rest of the residents remark on the cooking.

Ernie:

Mmmph, that’s some top-notch grub, Miles. Where’d you learn to cook so well, ‘cuz you clearly didn’t get it from your mother...

Grandpa:

Hey, that’s my wife you’re badmouthing! (Whispering to Ernie) I couldn’t agree more...

Miles:

Glad you enjoyed my twist on pepian , a traditional chicken stew of Central America. I subbed in scotch bonnet peppers for the traditional chilies for a bit of a Jamaican flair.

Oskar: (sweating profusely)

It is so spicy, and yet I cannot stop eating it!

Miles:

Cooking is really helping me restore my memories. I never got to explore cuisine when I was out doing field work, so I’m so glad I have the opportunity now. I’ll have to teach Arnold how to cook some of my specialties. What do you say, bud?

Arnold: (lost in thought)

Huh? Oh, that’d be great, dad...

Miles intuits his son’s sad mood and smiles extra wide to put out the good vibes. Stella notices Arnold’s depressed expression and looks concerned. After dinner, as a melancholy Arnold walks through the kitchen as Stella puts leftovers away, she stops him.

Stella:

Sweetie, are you alright? You barely touched dinner, and you’ve barely said a word since the beeper store.

Arnold:

I’ll be fine, Mom. Thanks for asking.

Stella:

OK, if you say so.

She gives her son a quick hug and he walks away. Cut to Arnold sitting at his desk, setting up his new cell phone. He glances over at the scrap of paper, then begins drafting a new message to Helga.

Fade to the Patakis having dinner in their reclaimed home - takeout boxes strewn about the kitchen table. The atmosphere is frosty and nobody is speaking. Helga is as downcast as Arnold, and is playing with her food.

Bob:

Ol- I mean, Helga, tell your mother to pass the pepper. Unless she’d rather dump half of it on the floor first.

Helga:

Gee, I’d love to play your little game of telephone, but I don’t feel so hot, so I’ll be excusing myself to my room, if anyone needs me. (She gets up and walks away) Funny, they never do need me.

She walks into her room without turning on the lights and flops into bed face down. She blindly fumbles for her phone on the nightstand, and spots an unread message: “Arn here. Confused about today 😟. Wanna talk?” Helga gasps with delight.

Helga:

Yes, my poor sweet prince, yes! (pauses) But not here. Hold on, I’m coming!

She stuffs some pillows under the covers to resemble a sleeping person, flings open her window and scampers down the fire escape, into the night.

Cut to the outside of the Sunset Arms. Helga pulls out a grappling hook and fires it up to the roof.

Helga:

I thought this thing would still come in handy.

She scales the wall, Batman-style. On the second floor, she looks in through the window; Miles and Stella are in their room watching internet videos on a phone. A meowing and keyboard-plunking sound is heard.

Miles: (laughing hysterically)

The cat! The piano! It works on so many levels!

Cut to Arnold sitting up in bed, reading by lamplight. He receives a message from Helga, reading “LOOK UP.” He looks up and is startled to see Helga pressed against the glass holding a notepad that reads “LET ME IN.” He crawls up the steps at the foot of his bed and opens the window.

Helga: (sheepishly)

Heeeeyyyy, Arnold.

Arnold:

What are you doing on my roof?

Helga:

You said you wanted to talk.

Arnold:

I meant on the phone!

An awkward pause as Helga realizes the absurdity of her behavior.

Helga:

I guess I needed to see you in person to apologize... Say, can I slip inside for a moment? I think it’s starting to drizzle.

Arnold:

Are you nuts?

Helga:

Only for you, darling.

She grasps his hand; he sees the look of concern in her eyes.

Arnold: (reluctantly)

…OK, but keep it down.

He opens the window to let her in; she steps down but slips, and the two tumble down the side of the wall onto the floor, Helga atop Arnold. He frowns; she grins and gets up, looking around.

Arnold:

So much for that plan.

Helga:

Don’t worry, your folks are too busy “reacclimating to society” to notice. (She admires his stereo system) This is a sweet pad, Arn. Looks just like I remember it.

Arnold:

Pardon?

Helga nervously has to cover the fact that she has been in his room multiple times without him noticing.

Helga:

I mean, it looks just like I imagined it. Hip and funky, yet tasteful.

Arnold presses a button on his remote to reveal the foldaway couch. She happily takes a seat and he sits next to her. He nervously itches the back of his head and avoids eye contact.

Arnold:

I think we need to talk about what’s going on.

Helga: (nervously laughing)

Yeah, sure! Marvin Gaye, classic stuff, right?

Arnold: (brightening up)

You know Marvin Gaye? …No, I mean what’s going on between us.

Helga becomes standoffish again.

Helga:

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Arnold takes Helga’s hand. She blushes and loosens up.

Arnold:

Helga, I meant everything I said to you back in the jungle. I’ve realized that you’re a brave, loyal, smart, funny, and thoughtful person, who hides behind a mask of anger and hatred for some reason. And I was really hoping you had taken that mask off for good, but you went back to your old, mean-spirited self today. I thought it was because I didn’t call you soon enough, but I think there’s something else going on you’re not telling me.

Helga: (mumbling)

None of your business, hair boy.

Arnold:

Maybe it isn’t, but after all we’ve been through together, and after that... moment in San Lorenzo, why can’t you open up to me? You ran all the way to my house in the rain! Please tell me what’s eating you?

Helga flashes back to the times she confessed her love to Arnold and him reciprocating the kiss. She lets her guard down, breathes deeply, and sighs.

Helga:

You mean the world to me, you know that. I never want to hurt you ever again - I’ve turned over a new leaf. The thing is, not everyone can see how wonderful you are. Stupid Bob thinks you’re trouble because of the whole jungle incident, so he doesn’t even want me to be near you. I had to throw him off the trail so he wouldn’t chew me out. You don’t have to apologize for anything, Arnold, but I hope you can forgive me.

Arnold:

Of course I forgive you. But as much as I really like you and know that you’re a sweet, good-hearted person underneath it all, I don’t want to put up with any more drama or bullying.

Helga looks into Arnold’s eyes and smiles earnestly.

Helga:

Okay, I’ll dial it back. But you can’t blame me for teasing you, what with that big ol’ puntable head of yours!

She gives him a playful tap on the cheek with her fist - he smiles.

Arnold:

I trust that you know the difference between flirting and verbal abuse.

Helga:

I guess I can hold my tongue. But this world is a real load of horse crap! You have no idea, what with your perfect family...

Helga trails off mid-rant, as Arnold puts a hand on her shoulder.

Arnold:

I'm here for you whenever you need me. And I know you're strong enough to get through anything!

A pause, then the two embrace.

Helga:

Thanks, dude... That still doesn’t solve the fact that my dad hates you and your family.

Arnold:

Yeah, and Grandpa isn’t too crazy about your dad either...it’s almost like Romeo and Juliet.

Helga:

And everything worked out just fine for those two!

The two share a chuckle. A beat, then Arnold's eyes light up.

Arnold:

If it would make you feel better, we can keep this relationship a secret, from your family, my family, anyone you'd prefer not to know. Gerald’s the only one who knows, and he’d never tell a soul.

Helga’s eyes bug out with surprise.

Helga:

Whoa, so... you acknowledge we’re in... a relationship?

Arnold: (equally surprised hearing the word back)

Well...yes. I like you a lot, you obviously feel the same, and I would like to get to know you better. But if you’re not ready for it, I can respect that...

Helga suddenly grabs Arnold by the shoulders.

Helga: (freaking out)

No, no, no! …I mean, heh, of course, I’m ready. If nobody has to know, what do we have to lose?

Arnold:

Then it’s a deal. (He extends a handshake, with a flirtatious look) Helga, will you be my secret special someone?

Helga blushes and accepts the handshake.

Helga:

Only if you’ll be mine, dude.

Arnold gives her a peck on the cheek; she giggles.

Helga: (coyly)

Don’t get too chummy, kid.

Arnold: (meekly)

Oops, sorry, I should have asked- (She gives him a peck on the cheek mid-sentence) -Hey!

Helga: (smirking)

Alright, enough funny business. Now, to get the Montagues and the Capulets to stop feuding.

Arnold:

I think we can find a way...

A knock is heard at the door.

Miles: (through the door)

Arnold? Are you alright? We heard a thump a few minutes ago.

The kids whisper in a panic. Arnold jumps off the couch.

Arnold:

Go! You have to leave!

Helga:

Just retract the couch, I’ll crawl out through the air ducts.

Arnold:

You sure?

Helga:

Trust me, I’ll survive. I love you.

Arnold smiles and retracts the couch with a push of the button. We see Helga tumble into the dusty crawlspace as she overhears Arnold open the door and speak to his dad.

Arnold, offscreen:

I’m OK, Dad, just tripped while getting dressed for bed.

Helga: (to herself)

Oh, Godspeed, you brave and brilliant boy.

She swoons; a spider falls on her face, she cringes to stifle a yelp, then slips out the air ducts.

Fade to the next morning at the Pataki residence. Cardboard moving boxes lay about the kitchen, waiting to be unpacked as the family settles into their home again. The adults are at the kitchen table, strategizing about Big Bob’s store.

Bob:

So, Olga, have you cooked up any game-changing business plans with that Ph.D-bound brain of yours?

Olga: (flipping through a notebook)

Why, yes! I think we should start by rebranding as simply “Big Bob’s,” since beepers are passé. I’ve even drawn up a logo!

She reveals what appears to be a rip-off of the Best Buy logo, but with “Big Bob’s” on it.

Bob:

Hmm, I like it.

Helga comes moping into the kitchen, bleary-eyed from a late night.

Olga:

Wakey wakey, little sister!

Bob:

Took you long enough, it’s almost 11:00. I hope you brought some ideas for our little pitch meeting.

Helga: (cantankerously, while digging through the fridge)

Gee, Bob, here’s an idea: I’m eleven years old, and it’s summer vacation, so why should I have to be one of your office drones? (She grabs a carton of milk and starts to chug it)

Bob:

It’s called responsibility! Maybe if you spent more time with your family instead of your weird little friends, you’d get it.

Helga: (polishing off the milk and throwing the carton away)

At least I *have* friends. I’m going to Phoebe’s. Be back later.

Helga leaves, as Bob looks on with impotent rage. Olga looks concerned, and Miriam has been silently nursing a smoothie the whole time. We follow Helga as she walks across the neighborhood to Phoebe’s house.

Helga: (to herself)

Family shmamily. Who needs ‘em when you got friends?

She walks past the basketball court, where Gerald, Harold, Sid, Stinky, Eugene, and Iggy are playing 3-on-3.

Sid:

So, Gerald, how was your date with Phoebe last night?

Gerald:

Well, a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, but I’ll just say it was smooth sailing.

Stinky:

Gee willikers, Gerald, you’re a regular grade school Casanova. You two make a cute couple.

Eugene:

I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t have expected Phoebe to ask you out. She’s usually so quiet.

Iggy:

She wouldn’t be my first pick, personally, but she seems alright. At least she’s not Helga Pataki.

Harold:

Can you imagine?! If you tried to kiss her, she’d bite your head off! (puts on a mocking voice) Look at me, I’m Helga! I eat boys for breakfast!

Most of the boys laugh derisively; Gerald meekly forces a laugh.

Gerald: (seriously)

Guys, I know Helga can be rude, but I’ve seen her do nice things. I think if you all were nicer to her, you’d see she’s not so bad.

The others pause and look at each other incredulously.

Sid:

I don’t know, Gerald, I’d think you’d be singing a different tune if she stuffed you in a locker sixteen times like she did to me.

Eugene:

And why does she hate Arnold so much? Arnold’s a good guy.

Gerald frowns, giving up trying to convince the boys, who resume playing basketball. Helga has been eavesdropping from around the corner this whole time, and is irritated. She presses onward, walking into the corner store. She spots Rhonda, Nadine, and Sheena gossiping in the next aisle over.

Rhonda:

Did everyone see this? (She shows the girls her phone) Gerald posted it online this morning. He and Phoebe are officially an item.

Nadine:

Aww! They’re so cute!

Sheena:

This is so exciting! I wonder who will end up dating next?

Rhonda:

Who knows? Watch it be some bizarre couple, like...Helga and Arnold? I mean, don’t get me wrong, Arnold’s alright, but imagining him with Helga? Helga, who dresses like Little Bo Peep, and has thrown spitballs at him for every single day since the first grade?

The girls giggle derisively.

Nadine:

I don’t know, Rhonda, stranger things have happened.

Rhonda:

I’m just saying, with all the verbal abuse we’ve seen her put him through, how on Earth would they ever get along, let alone like-like each other?

Helga gets even more incensed, then walks out of the store empty-handed. Cut to her outside the Heyerdahl residence, knocking on the door.

Phoebe, from inside:

Coming! (She opens the door) Helga! To what do I owe your sudden visit?

Helga: (meekly)

Hey Phoebs, mind if we have a one-on-one?

Phoebe:

That would be excellent! I just put on a pot of Earl Grey.

Helga:

It’s been a rough day, I’m gonna need something stronger.

Smash cut to Helga pulling the cap off a bottle of Yahoo Soda. The two girls are seated on the floor of Phoebe’s room with a tea set. Helga hesitates, then pours soda into a teacup. She takes a hearty sip.

Helga:

Oh, yeah, that’s the stuff. So, Phoebs, how’d your date with ol’ Number 33 go last night?

Phoebe takes a long sip of tea and holds a finger up to say “One moment.” She sets down her teacup and breaks into a huge smile, clutching her hands by her head.

Phoebe: (ranting breathlessly)

It was sublime! He’s so genial, and streetwise, and tells the best stories, but he also listens to everything I say, and he’s an amazing dancer, and he’s got really strong muscles even though you wouldn’t know it just by looking at him- (takes a deep breath, calms down) It went well, thanks for asking.

Helga: (pouring another cup of soda)

I’m happy for you guys. Seems like everyone else we know is happy for you too. (Tips back the teacup like a shot glass) Wish I could know what that feels like.

Phoebe:

Don’t fret, Helga, we’re young yet - you’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of you to meet the boy of your dreams.

Helga: (sadly)

Well...what if I did, and he was in love with me too, but nobody knew or cared?

Phoebe sets down her teacup with a look of dawning realization.

Phoebe:

Wait, are you saying that you and...?

Helga: (suddenly bursting into rapturous joy)

Arnold! Yes, dear Phoebe, Arnold, the apple of my eye, the light of my life, loves me back! I bared my soul and told him how I felt, and he realized I was his true love at long last! Oh, pinch me, Phoebe, for this must all be a dream...

She freezes in place with her eyes closed, beaming. Phoebe cautiously leans over and gently pinches Helga’s cheek. Helga recoils.

Helga:

Hey, watch the money maker!

Phoebe:

Retracting. That’s wonderful! I always hoped that he would feel that way about you too. How long?

Helga: (deflating slightly)

Well, just since San Lorenzo. Same time as you and Gerald. And I was going to say, Gerald is the only other soul who knows about us, so I’d appreciate it if you keep it on the QT. Wouldn’t want everyone to get jealous about all the love goin’ around.

Phoebe:

You know you can trust me to keep a secret. I’ve been doing it for you for years.

Helga:

C’mon, Phoebs, say the line.

Phoebe: (sighing in bemusement)

...Forgetting!

Helga hugs Phoebe.

Helga:

Now, I’d say it’s time for you to spill the tea, as it were. Gimme the deets on your date!

Phoebe:

Well, our initial plan was to spend the afternoon at Thrill Zone, the new amusement center down by the boardwalk, but we agreed it was tacky and gentrified. So, we decided to go for a walk and just go where the day took us!

Helga: (looking away in thought)

Thrill Zone...boardwalk... (snaps fingers) That’s it!

Phoebe:

What’s it?

Helga stands up, taking out her cell phone, and starts to leave.

Helga:

Sorry, I just had a brain wave. Later, Phoebs! Thanks for the Yahoo! This conversation never happened!

Phoebe: (meekly)

Um...bye. (to herself, putting away the tea set) The things I do for that girl.

Cut to Helga outside, placing a call while walking with purpose.

Helga:

Hey, Arn, it’s me. Do you got a minute? Grab a pencil, because I need you with me on this plan...

Fade in on the exterior of the Thrill Zone, a large concrete and glass building with bright blue and red neon lights and thumping techno coming out of the windows, situated on a corner across the street from a classic boardwalk amusement park; early evening. A bus pulls up outside and Arnold, his parents, and his grandparents step off, looking up at the glowing building. For this outing, Grandma is dressed in a top hat and tuxedo.

Stella: (perplexed, to her son)

So, this is the Thrill Zone? The one you begged us to take you to?

Miles:

Yeah, Arnold, this doesn’t seem like your scene. Are you sure you wouldn't rather go to the record store, or the planetarium?

Arnold:

C’mon, let’s give it a shot. They’ve got all the newest games and attractions, plus it’s a good place to meet the parents of other kids! What do you say?

Grandma:

I say we hit the baccarat tables, rake in a few thousand, then hit the stage at the Deluxe at 8:00 for the early revue!

Grandpa: (looking Grandma up and down)

Oh, you’re supposed to be a Vegas gal, I didn’t get that until now. Was wondering why you wore tap shoes.

Arnold checks the time and looks determined.

Arnold:

Hey, let’s go!

He exuberantly jogs ahead to the entrance. Pan over to the other side of the building, where Big Bob and the Patakis have parked their car.

Bob: (regarding the Thrill Zone with distaste)

So this is our family fun night? Well, it was Olga’s idea, so I guess it shouldn’t be too bad.

Olga:

Thank you for agreeing to take us here, daddy! Now let’s go have some fun!

As the parents get out of the car, the sisters lag behind for a moment.

Helga:

Thanks for convincing Dad to bring us here. If I had asked, it’d have fallen on deaf ears.

Olga:

Anything for my baby sister! Now give me a big squeeze!

Helga reluctantly hugs her older sister; the two catch up to the parents. Helga checks her watch while they walk.

Helga: (to herself)

Everything’s falling into place.

Cut to the interior of the Thrill Zone, a loud, neon-lit wonderland of arcade games of all kinds. We see kids playing mini golf and shoveling down pizza while parents look on patiently. The Shortman family, led by Grandpa, stumbles through the hubbub.

Grandpa:

Cripes sake, short man, the beaches at Normandy were less chaotic than this.

Cut to the Pataki family stumbling through from the other direction.

Bob:

I haven’t seen this many colors since Woodstock.

Miriam:

Oh, they better have a smoothie bar...

Amidst the crowd and noise, the two groups run into each other - literally, in the case of the patriarchs.

Grandpa: (getting up, irritated)

Jumpin’ Jericho, watch where you-...Hey, you’re that bum who tried to fleece us!

Bob:

What are you doing here, you miserable old codger?

Grandpa:

I’m here with my family! We’re here to have some fun, dagnabbit.

Bob:

Well, well, well, so are we. And I’ll wager we can have more fun than any of you miserable lowlifes!

Miles and Stella look at each other, confused, while Grandma assumes a fighting stance. Olga and Miriam look concerned. Arnold and Helga make goofy faces at each other in a show of fake antagonism.

Grandpa:

We’ll take you on, Pataki. Winner is the champion for eternity!

Miles:

Dad, what are you doing?

Grandpa:

Having fun, and so will you, so pipe down.

Helga: (coyly)

Say, Dad, I think I know the ultimate challenge to see who has the better family. The escape room!

She points to a kiosk at one end of the arcade labeled “DOCTOR MISCHIEF'S LAIR: ENTER IF YOU DARE”. Big Bob and Grandpa look at it, then meet each other’s gaze with steely resolve.

Bob:

Let’s do this, old man.

Cut to the two families signing up for the escape room. There is a sign that reads “Time limit: 4 hours”.

Helga: (whispering to Arnold)

This should buy us plenty of time. Follow my lead. (Clutches stomach, moans loudly) Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick! Dad, I’m going to have to sit this one out.

Bob: (barely noticing)

Huh? Oh, yeah, whatever.

Arnold:

I should stay and make sure she’s OK.

Stella:

No, Arnold, I can do it, you go on ahead and have fun.

Grandpa:

Oh, let the boy go. (murmuring to Stella) In case things get ugly, we need you for more muscle power.

Stella rolls her eyes as the adults are ushered into the escape room, leaving the kids behind. As soon as they’re out of earshot, Arnold and Helga look at each other, grinning widely.

Helga:

This place is for chumps. What say we blow this popsicle stand?

Arnold:

Thought you’d never ask.

Cut to a musical montage of Arnold and Helga on their very first date, on the old boardwalk amusement park across the road from Thrill Zone. We see them buy a huge malt and share it, play carnival games (they squirt each other with water guns; Arnold wins Helga a small stuffed bunny, she wins him a giant stuffed ape), ride a Ferris wheel looking out at the sunset, people watch from a bench, and take pictures inside a classic photo booth. We end the montage with them looking at the pictures they took.

Helga:

I think your phone has a camera, dude. You could have saved the fifty cents.

Arnold:

You can take that kind of picture anytime. Tonight, I wanted something special.

Helga: (tousling his hair)

Such a hopeless romantic.

Arnold shrugs with a hapless grin.

Arnold:

Wait here a minute, I gotta take a bathroom break.

He darts off, leaving her holding the photo reel and the stuffed animals, sighing in delight.

Helga:

Ah, my little charmer! What a marvelous night you have given me! May this enchanted evening never end.

Cut to the inside of the escape room, which resembles a haunted Victorian parlor, replete with dozens of artifacts, decorations, maps, and books, and one locked door. Grandpa and Big Bob have torn the place apart, pulling at every single object in a manic rage, trying to best the other. The other adults look on with varying degrees of concern and irritation.

Bob:

Holy shish kebab, will this blasted evening never end? Where’s the dang exit?

Grandpa:

Fat chance you’ll find it, you wouldn’t spot your own daughter if she was screaming in your ear!

Bob:

What are you raving about, loony, Olga’s right there! And for that matter, Olga, any luck finding the key?

Olga: (starting to melt down)

No, daddy, I’m sorry, but I just don’t see any way out! We’re trapped!

Miriam:

There, there, honey, the arcade will let us out if we can’t solve it within four hours.

Bob:

Hey hey hey, that’s loser talk, Miriam! I don’t see you helping out!

Grandma: (singing)

Start spreading the news, I’m leaving today...

Miles: (to Stella, quietly)

So much for meeting other families. Sorry my dad roped us into this quagmire.

Stella:

This has gone on long enough. I think we need to be the grown-ups here.

Stella lets out a sharp, loud whistle. Everyone falls silent.

Stella:

Look, this is not the time to be having a peeing contest. I may have been in a coma for ten years, so all of this is admittedly really confusing, but if there’s one thing I retained from my years of field exploration, it’s that a team divided against itself won’t stand. Our kids are counting on us to break out of here and spend a fun evening with them. So let’s put aside our differences.

Miles:

What she said!

Miriam:

Stella’s right, B. Can you just let this one go?

Grandma:

Come on, Phil, let’s do this, for Arnold and the funny little eyebrow girl.

Grandpa and Big Bob face each other.

Bob:

Look, I’m...sorry that I tried to rip you off. You may not be my kind of people, but you’re kind people.

Grandpa:

Ah, I’ll forgive ya, just this once. You care about your family - at least a little bit - and I can respect that. Truce?

The men shake hands tersely.

Stella:

Great. We’re all on the same page. Now let’s figure this thing out. Olga, you seem like a bright young lady, you can speed-read through those books to look for clues. Bob, you and Grandpa can move that bookcase, I think there’s something behind it. Miles, you have the best eyesight, so examine those trinkets and photos for anything suspicious. Miriam, Grandma, you can help me crack any coded messages. Let’s go, we’re burning daylight!

Cut to a montage of the adults setting out to solve the puzzle, interspersed with a digital clock ticking, approaching four hours. We then cut back to Helga waiting contentedly on a bench by the photo booth as Arnold approaches with his hands behind his back.

Helga:

Whatcha got there, Arn, a water balloon?

Arnold:

Well, I just saw this at a market stand, and thought you might like it.

He pulls out a golden locket, the same size as her old heart-shaped one, except oblong, with a heart engraved on the outside. Arnold takes one of the photos of the both of them and slides it into the frame.

Arnold:

I know how much you love having a locket, so I figured I’d get you another one, with room for both of us.

Helga tears up and gives him a big hug and a kiss.

Helga:

It’s beautiful. You’re the most thoughtful kid in the world. (A loaded pause.) I love you.

Arnold stares silently with wide, deep green eyes back at her. As he takes a breath to say something, Helga catches a glimpse at her watch and jumps to attention.

Helga:

Criminy, the Thrill Zone closes in five minutes! We gotta hustle, they might have escaped by now!

The kids sprint headlong back to the arcade. Arnold is lagging behind, attempting to carry the giant stuffed ape.

Helga:

Ditch the gorilla! I’ll get you another one!

Arnold tosses it to a young kid standing by.

Arnold:

Catch!

They race into the Thrill Zone at full bore, barging past kids and parents. We see the exit doors of the escape room open, with a clock displaying “3:59:50”. The adults step out into the light, looking triumphant. Arnold and Helga screech to a halt right in front of them at the same time.

Grandpa:

We made it! (to Arnold) Thanks for waiting, short man! We hope you weren’t too bored while we were stuck in there.

Arnold: (panting)

No, I...was fine. Ran...laps around the building to...kill time.

Stella:

Wow, good for you, honey! And how’s Helga?

Helga, exhausted from the frantic sprinting, vomits offscreen. Arnold cringes.

Helga: (irritated)

How does it look like I feel? I had to spend four hours ready to hurl while this clod does nothing but run around in circles! (She winks at Arnold)

Bob:

Watch it, young lady. Your little friend was kind enough to look out for you. His family helped save you and your sister, the least we could do is be thankful.

Helga:

Alright, dad. What’s with the face turn? You’re such a throw pillow sometimes.

Bob: (to Arnold and his family)

One last time, I’m sorry. You saved our butts in there. I think we’re even now.

Grandpa:

You’re alright, Pataki. Say, would you be interested in dropping by our place for a nightcap? The night is still young!

Bob: (while ushering his family away)

Don’t push it, bub. I didn’t say we were friends. C’mon, let’s go home, this one looks like she’s gonna toss her cookies again...

As Helga walks away with her family, she turns back and gives Arnold a thumbs up, which he returns. Arnold turns to his parents.

Arnold:

Sorry I dragged you guys all the way here and then bailed.

Miles:

Well, that was very noble of you to look out for Helga like that, even though she doesn’t seem to like you.

Stella:

Gotta hand it to Phil and Pookie, they raised you right.

Grandpa:

Nah, he gets that from his parents. All I ever taught him was to never eat raspberries. (gurgles) Speaking of, I feel a storm coming, let’s get back home.

Zoom out as the family exits the now-darkened arcade, with Grandma singing “Viva Las Vegas”.

[September 3rd]

We fade in at the entrance to P.S. 118 on the first day of school, as seen at the end of the Jungle Movie. Arnold’s parents wish him good luck on his first day of sixth grade, and he waves goodbye as he walks through the doors. He strolls down the hall with a cool, confident smile. He tips his cap to Principal Wartz, who is chiding students in the hallway. He walks into a classroom marked “6th Grade: Mr. Simmons.” Inside, the whole gang is there, chattering excitedly. Sheena and Eugene are joyfully dancing around together, happy to see each other again. Rhonda is showing her friends her new, shorter haircut, accessorized with new glasses.

Rhonda:

And as you can see, my hair is back in place just in time for school, as it should be.

Curly:

Hey, does that mean I can keep your wig?

Rhonda groans; cut to Lila, sitting next to Gerald, with Phoebe seated behind him.

Lila:

I’m ever so happy to be back in school again! I regret that I couldn’t join the rest of you on the trip to San Lorenzo. It sounds like it was ever so much fun.

Gerald:

Eh, it’s probably best you stayed home. It was more trouble than it was worth.

Phoebe: (leaning forward flirtatiously)

Well, it wasn’t all bad...

Arnold takes a seat next to Gerald. The two do their handshake.

Arnold:

Here we go, starting sixth grade. I don’t know why, but I feel like today is the beginning of something big.

Gerald:

Arnold, you’ve saved our neighborhood, our class, our school, your parents, and pretty much the world! How could this be bigger than that?

Arnold:

Well Gerald, this is where things start getting interesting.

Gerald:

Whatever you say.

Stinky:

Hey, wait a minute, I feel like we’re missing someone.

Harold:

Yeah, where’s Mr. Simmons?

At that moment, Mr. Simmons comes running into the classroom, carrying a large white box. He sets it down on his desk and regains his composure.

Mr. Simmons:

Class! Here I am! Sorry for the delay, I was running behind because I had to pick up this!

He opens the box - inside is a large frosted sheet cake, with a likeness of every kid in icing on it, complete with the phrase “You are all special.” The kids murmur in excitement.

Mr. Simmons:

You can all have a slice at the end of class today. I just wanted to say how proud I am to be your teacher for your final year at P.S. 118. (sheds a single tear) We’ve all been through thick and thin, sticking together. I couldn’t ask for a better class of students. Now, without further ado, let’s get started on our first order of business: the wonderful world of algebra!

Some students groan as they open their study books. Arnold gets out his notebook but is interrupted by a paper airplane hitting him in the head. He looks behind him to see Helga smirking at him. He unfolds the paper airplane to see a note written inside: “See you after school 💘 ”. Arnold smiles knowingly as he crumples up the message and begins taking notes as we zoom to an exterior of the school and fade out.